has anyone else become afraid as you get thinner?

[Twirl]

My name is Lydia, I've been on the site since last summer. This post is about emotional health. Didn't know where else to post it.

I've only lost a little bit but I've gone down several pant sizes. Last month I got into a size 20jean...At The Avenue, so probably a size 22 everywhere else, lol. And I haven't been this size since my mid 20's. I couldn't believe that I had done that. My thoughts were, oh I'll never get thinner than this, how could I? I went off plan a couple times a week for several weeks. I went through a depression, I knew my self esteem was low because I could see it in the distance far far away from me when I took my daily walks. Geez.

Although, because I'm finally posting about it I believe that I'm moving through this experience a bit. And it would help me to know if anyone else has experienced this apprehension as you lose weight?

Full disclosure...I was abused as a child.

And now, I'm getting more attention from men. To anyone else I'm sure it would be a normal amount of attention. Going from being, what I experienced, as being shunned at a size 30-32 at my heaviest...to men taking double takes at me. it is....unnerving. I'm uncomfortable with the attention.

I've had a couple of bad relationships in my life with men and I know that I'm immature in my relating with men. I'm embarrassed.

Looking deeper I am aware that the fear part of it comes from the abuse. A friend in college years ago looked at me one day and said, "YOU are a Big woman now, Lydia. No one can throw you into a car and drive away with you."

Suspect that I wear this fear and low self esteem on my face as clear as day and that everyone sees it immediatly. And on the flip side, because there is always a flip side, I can be somewhat opinionated and abbrassive to keep people away. Am I the stereotype fat girl or what?

So, I'm thinking safety, for me, is the fat. The biggness.

And I want to be beautiful and sexy. I put on make up very well and I dress ok. For a large part of creating myself anew, got my sewing machine fixed so I can make some warm weather clothes that are pretty and comfortable.

Have been known to chat up a bloke or two. Would love to experience being loved.

I want to even out emotionally, enjoy the attention, dress it up, relax. Most important! Continue to eat whole foods, low carb and continue to reshape my body to a smaller me!

Has Anyone experienced anything like this? May I ask...what helped you?

Emotions are transient, just like the weather, stand around another 15 minutes and they change. Though these emotions are deep in my gut, like I'm pushing them down or I might get overwhelmed.

Oh click.

[karenann33]

I was emotionally abused as a child. And yes it does affect what I choose to put in my mouth sometimes. I tend to reach for junk food to comfort myself.

Truthfully what has helped me is first counseling, second diet (eating whole foods, no caffeine, no sugar, etc.) and just taking it one day at a time. Do the voices in my head want to destroy my efforts? Yes. I just tell them that food won't solve anything then I try to stay with those feelings and let them tell me what I really need and it isn't food.

It's a process though. I've been through peaks and valleys. Growth and setbacks. All very normal.

So congrats for taking the first step at reclaiming your life. You deserve it.

[Twirl]

Yeah,it is just about this moment. One of the things I can control is what I eat.

I have had counseling and losing the weight has brought this stuff up in a way I didn't expect.

Thanks for your reply.

[ravenrose]

I think a lot of women have conflicting feelings like this, whether they were abused or not. Society encourages young women to be very seductive, to show themselves off, and to dress in ways that have traditionally meant "I'm up for just about anything!" and men tend to think that means the women feel the same way about sex as they do (casual is best, the more the better.) Then the woman gets uneasy that the attention they get isn't what they WANT, which is more like a wonderful caring man finding her really attractive and wanting to be with her alone forever. These are really conflicting things between basic male and female orientation, though this is ridiculously simplistic... it's still true of a lot of people, more than not, I think.

so women try to be attractive and then get freaked out that it's the WRONG men who respond, and the ones who do often have the WRONG motivations. this is distressing to them.

But you have to put this in perspective. Yes, men will look at you like women eye a really good shoe sale, but that doesn't obligate you in any way. You don't need to be nice about it, you don't need to acknowledge it. this is very rude, and sorry to say it this way, but when men you are not interested in show interest, it's a lot like dogs coming up wanting to be petted and to lick your hand. you can if you feel like it, you can ignore it, and just because OCCASIONALLY there is a dog who bites doesn't mean it's sensible to be afraid of all of them! most men are harmless.

and it's hard for men too, because they often have a sense that women don't like nice guys and end up going for the bad boys who aren't going to treat them well...

you have to look at men like you do food now. even though most of them aren't on your "diet," it doesn't mean it is healthy to give them all up! remember you are in charge of who you respond to and how you respond. when you feel uncomfortable, practice centering yourself and feeling that power over the situation. as they are looking at you and sizing you up, you can look at them and size them up for the traits that interest you. personally, I would be fussy. not only someone interesting, someone who can make you laugh, but someone who is reliable and dependable, someone who shows you a respectful amount of attention and doesn't just show up on his schedule, someone willing to take the time and effort to know you as a person and let you know him. I could go on, but you get the idea! best of luck and keep posting.

[Twirl]

Oh...that's it! That's the perspective that I can relate too...LOL.

And, I deserve to be picky. A pair of shoes that fit. A man who is intelligent, attentive, reliable, makes me laugh. And getting looked at means just getting noticed.

Thank you.

[Catrapoin]

I was in a relationship where he was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, and used my weight as ammunition. So whenever we would have an argument, he would insult me, calling me fat, a pig, a cow, {insert fat animal here}. So to "get back" at him, I'd secretly binge, eating way more than I should have, and eating things I knew were not good for me. Why? To get even fatter and p*ss him off. It was self-destructive and horrible, and I couldn't stop. Therapy helps. But first you have to love YOU and care about YOU and realize that you need to feel good about yourself, no matter how other people (men) look at you, judge you, or treat you.

[Mena]

I am not afraid of being thinner because I lost 44lbs the only thing that bothered me was that people were just shocked by my weight loss

[Thatgirl153]

I had a revelation myself recently.....when I cant reach for ice cream, chocolate, cookies when I am having an emotional moment, I am stuck just having the emotions. When not "dieting" food is a crutch that makes me feel better in the moment. When I take food out of the equation, I am then just feeling real and raw emotions without the quick "relief" of sugar. I had to learn how to just feel them and get through them. that is hard to do sometimes! Feel the pain and do it anyway!

[ChristineCQ]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you.

Though I don't have that experience to explain my tendencies, I do relate to what you've expressed here. I have been known to self-sabotage once the "attention" begins. For me, though, it's about the power structure of society and how -- as a feminist -- it grates on me to the core to have my space invaded by men: Physically, visually, whatever (Norah Vincent does a nice job of describing this phenomenon in "Self-Made Man." Men rarely experience what it's like to be "stared at" because men show each other respect by NOT staring. So when women ARE stared at, what is the message??). Anyway, I am very uncomfortable with that, and being fat has been good insulation against that: Now you must deal with the fact that I am articulate and intelligent, and you MAY NOT denigrate me to just a set of boobs and a butt.

That's a long way of saying that I know sort of what you're feeling, and the way I've dealt with it is to recognize it for what it is: Something that can derail me if I let it do so. Fortunately, I am in a very loving marriage with a husband who does, as ravenrose said, find me really attractive and who wants to be with me alone forever.

That, honestly, has solved 99% of the issue for me.

[katie in progress]

Yes, Lydia, yes.....I'm fat again, but I was fat-then-thin before, when I was younger, and I had a similar experience of being unsettled when I started to lose weight, although I brought different issues to my weight loss that you do as an abuse survivor. I have some thoughts for you based on experience doing some counseling at a rape crisis center. Just thoughts - I'm not a professional counselor, I just did some volunteer work at the center for awhile.

Women who have been raped as adults often have an enormous amount of difficulty seeing themselves in a healthy way sexually afterwards, and find themselves unnerved, at best, or outright terrified of attention from men, even the kind of quick appraising glance that many women might take for granted. Sometimes rape survivors find themselves gaining weight and it can be traced back to this fear. Or they begin to dress differently, so as not to call attention to themselves.

Some of the things that these women were encouraged to do as part of the healing process included role playing with a trusted friend - you'd have that friend make a comment or play-act a situation and you'd practice reacting to it without blowing it out of proportion.

Or getting dressed up, nicely, not necessarily overly sexy, and then going somewhere you felt safe - the library at midday. Stroll around looking at books, be aware that people might be looking at you and thinking oh, that woman's attractive.....and realize it isn't scary.

Look for role models in real life, or a TV or book character, and sort of study how they react to attention. (Pick carefully!) Practice that kind of healthy confidence, and even if it doesn't seem real at first, you'll start a cycle where it will become real as people react to it, and that makes you more confident in turn.

I think those of us who've grown up overweight, especially when in my case you also add extreme nerdiness, never learned the kinds of skills for dealing with the opposite sex (don't mean that to be homophobic - guess I should say 'the gender of your preference'!") that more confident kids learn earlier in life. All those junior high dances we were scared to go to? The popular kids were stumbling through them learning the social ropes, probably painfully, but at the time we just thought they were on top of the world, didn't we.

For whatever reason, some of miss out on the typical adolescent learning curve regarding dating and relationships, and have to sort of piece it together afterwards. Take it slowly, be kind to yourself, and don't put yourself in a situation where you might make a hasty decision you'll regret later - don't go overboard and try to cram a lifetime of dating experiences into a few months!

You've had a lot to deal with, but just the fact that you've got yourself so well figured out so far is pretty amazing, actually. You don't mention your age but I suspect you're young, at least compared to me (!) and I just wish I had been as self aware then as you are. Just as you don't need to lose a zillion pounds, only the next one, you don't need to solve all this at once, either - just try to be a little more healthy emotionally today than yesterday. Celebrate your triumphs when you handle attention well, and learn from your mistakes when you freeze up. The emotional aspect of weight loss is a significant one for many of us, and it takes as much work as losing the physical weight does. But you're already able to put the problem in words, so I have a feeling you're going to work your way through this just fine.

katie