How does your spouse feel about your WLS?

madameruby · 09-22-2009, 11:59 PM

I was wondering how everyone's spouse/partner felt about them having WLS?

I am scheduled to begin the jumping through hoops thing so I can have my WLS done. I thought my spouse (10 years) would be happy that I was going to regain control of my life, and was was going to be healthier and able to do more things, like hiking and running on the beach, ya know all the things I have been missing.

However, it seems to me that since I have gotten this wonderful news that this is going to happen, he has become very agitated and irritable. He really doesn't want me to have it done. He says there are too many risks involved. I told him in no uncertain terms that nothing was more dangerous than me weighing 363lbs. and all the potential weight related health problems and issues that come along with that. He's not interested in hearing it.

I'm wondering exactly why it is he seems to be in a negative space about this, while its making me so extremely happy.

How did your spouses/partners feel about your WLS, and if there were issues how did you deal with them? How are things going now?

melsreturn · 09-23-2009, 05:59 AM

I'm not married and didn't have a boyfriend when I had my weight loss surgery. But, my family was concerned, supportive yes, but concerned that something bad might happen during surgery.

I'm sorry you are experiencing some negativity. Perhaps he is very afraid that something bad will happen, he does not understand the surgery, and maybe talking to your primary care or the gastric surgeon may be of help to your husband to alleviate his fears. Yes there surely are risks involved as there are with every surgery. He may be having a difficult time because he does not want anything bad to happen to the love of his life.

I hope you are able to work through this, and I'm sure that someone with more experience than myself (as I don't have any in this area! lol) can come along with some great advice.

tkmommy2108 · 09-23-2009, 09:05 AM

My BF of 5 years, and father of my kids is very supportive. Of course he's nervous about the complications but overall he supports me 100%. He is not overweight and never has been.

JennyV · 09-23-2009, 02:26 PM

My then-boyfriend was incredibly supportive of my decision to have WLS, once I had laid out the risks and benefits for him. It was only after I had it, when I really began losing weight and looking better, that he became less supportive. I finally figured out that he was afraid that I would lose weight and dump him. I've since discovered through research that this is a very, very common fear for SOs. After the bf and I split up, I had two family friends ask me if I broke up with him because I lost weight (I didn't tell them that it was because he cheated on me; which I think might also have been related to his fear that I was becoming more attractive and so he needed to find someone else before I did). Is it possible that your husband might be feeling this? If so, it's a good idea to address that fear right away and assure him that you're not going anywhere.

eaglesmate · 09-23-2009, 04:37 PM

I am about half-way through the hoop jumping myself. My husband has been very supportive so far. His first response was that he did not like the risks. After a long time and alot of soul-searching for both of us we realized that my risks were just as great if not more so by not having surgery. Since then he has been my biggest cheerleader. I hope he continues to be so after surgery only time will tell, but I wouldn't expect less from him, he is a great guy and has been behind me for everything for 21 years.

I really hope your husband comes around, his support will be important for you. Are his actions maybe coming out of fear for you?

Haziefrog · 09-24-2009, 06:02 AM

My DH has always been supportive, but really scared. It has been years, but the night before my surgery he told me that if I was doing this for him, not to that he would love me at 500 lbs. We have 4 sons and at the time of my surgery, the youngest 2 had just turned 1 and 2. I know that he was really concerned about his children being motherless, but he knew that at 325 lbs (5'2") and all of my health problems, I was not going to get to see our children grow up

People have asked me how does your husband like having a skinny wife, and I always say that he never noticed that I gained all the weight, he never saw me fat, and that he does not see me as skinny, he loves me. I know that he would love me and take care of me, even if I gained it all back, he is my biggest supporter and my best friend.

Us before....

Us this past weekend on the lake, in the rain and cold, the things we do for our children!

I could not find any recent pictures of us together, but we are both 7 years older and he is still my rock, and the person that I trust the most in this world, I am so glad that he married me and he thinks he got the prize, silly man. He has always made me feel like I was 120 lbs.

madameruby · 09-24-2009, 07:15 AM

Thank you all so much for your responses.

JennyV, you have a good point. I think that may be some of the issue for him. That I will want to find someone else, or something like that. But, if I was going to do that I would have a long time ago. I'll have to reassure him, I"m in this for the long haul, as he should already know. On another note, sorry that relationship ended the way it did for you. But better to have gotten rid of the cheater right away. Why do men always act like that?

Eaglesmate - 21 years is a long time! We're halfway to that and it seems like a lifetime almost.

Haziefrog, your husband sounds like the sweetest man! (and he's really cute too, lucky girl)! I loved it when you said - I am so glad that he married me and he thinks he got the prize, silly man. He has always made me feel like I was 120 lb. - My DH makes me feel much the same way sometimes. Like if It's one of those days, and I just look and feel like crap, I'll say something to that affect, and he always says. No, you look good honey, your not one of those girls who needs all that makeup and fancy hairdo's and stuff to look pretty. You always look pretty. That's why I picked ya.

We talked about things some more and he really feels like since you have to be so careful and eat healthy after the surgery anyway that it made just as much sense to Eat healthy now and lose weight.

My response was this: I have weight 260lbs when I graduated high school. Don't you think if I were capable of just losing the weight I would have by now (I'm 33). This WLS is my best shot at actually becoming healthy. Period. Although, he still maintained his position that since I'm going to have be very careful about what I eat after WLS anyway, its going to be just as hard, and therefore basically redundant to have the surgery!

He isn't going to stop me from having it done, he knows there is nothing he could say to change my mind, so he has become less cranky about it. And, when the time comes he will be supportive, because he will know I need his help. We have been together for 10 years, and he isn't a big fan of change, and he knows this will change things about me and for me, so I've come to understand why he's having this reaction.

09-22-2009, 11:59 PM	#1
madameruby Senior LCF Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Middle Nowhere PA Posts: 85 Gallery: madameruby Stats: 363/363/200 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Goin at it again	How does your spouse feel about your WLS? I was wondering how everyone's spouse/partner felt about them having WLS? I am scheduled to begin the jumping through hoops thing so I can have my WLS done. I thought my spouse (10 years) would be happy that I was going to regain control of my life, and was was going to be healthier and able to do more things, like hiking and running on the beach, ya know all the things I have been missing. However, it seems to me that since I have gotten this wonderful news that this is going to happen, he has become very agitated and irritable. He really doesn't want me to have it done. He says there are too many risks involved. I told him in no uncertain terms that nothing was more dangerous than me weighing 363lbs. and all the potential weight related health problems and issues that come along with that. He's not interested in hearing it. I'm wondering exactly why it is he seems to be in a negative space about this, while its making me so extremely happy. How did your spouses/partners feel about your WLS, and if there were issues how did you deal with them? How are things going now?

09-23-2009, 05:59 AM	#2
melsreturn Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Nashville, TN Posts: 191 Gallery: melsreturn Stats: 251/129/130 WOE: Moderate Carbs/Low Calorie Start Date: May 2006	I'm not married and didn't have a boyfriend when I had my weight loss surgery. But, my family was concerned, supportive yes, but concerned that something bad might happen during surgery. I'm sorry you are experiencing some negativity. Perhaps he is very afraid that something bad will happen, he does not understand the surgery, and maybe talking to your primary care or the gastric surgeon may be of help to your husband to alleviate his fears. Yes there surely are risks involved as there are with every surgery. He may be having a difficult time because he does not want anything bad to happen to the love of his life. I hope you are able to work through this, and I'm sure that someone with more experience than myself (as I don't have any in this area! lol) can come along with some great advice. __________________ Melinda You can read more about my weight loss surgery journey at: Recovering Fatty

09-23-2009, 04:37 PM	#5
eaglesmate Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: East Tennessee Posts: 772 Gallery: eaglesmate WOE: wls , rny Start Date: rny 5/4/2010	I am about half-way through the hoop jumping myself. My husband has been very supportive so far. His first response was that he did not like the risks. After a long time and alot of soul-searching for both of us we realized that my risks were just as great if not more so by not having surgery. Since then he has been my biggest cheerleader. I hope he continues to be so after surgery only time will tell, but I wouldn't expect less from him, he is a great guy and has been behind me for everything for 21 years. I really hope your husband comes around, his support will be important for you. Are his actions maybe coming out of fear for you? __________________ ************************************ ~Angie~ rny on 5/4/10 hw481/cw284.6/gw150

09-24-2009, 06:02 AM	#6
Haziefrog Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Moved from Atlanta to NW AR Posts: 3,834 Gallery: Haziefrog Stats: 325/125 WOE: Lap RNY & low carb Start Date: 02/05/03	My DH has always been supportive, but really scared. It has been years, but the night before my surgery he told me that if I was doing this for him, not to that he would love me at 500 lbs. We have 4 sons and at the time of my surgery, the youngest 2 had just turned 1 and 2. I know that he was really concerned about his children being motherless, but he knew that at 325 lbs (5'2") and all of my health problems, I was not going to get to see our children grow up People have asked me how does your husband like having a skinny wife, and I always say that he never noticed that I gained all the weight, he never saw me fat, and that he does not see me as skinny, he loves me. I know that he would love me and take care of me, even if I gained it all back, he is my biggest supporter and my best friend. Us before.... Us this past weekend on the lake, in the rain and cold, the things we do for our children! I could not find any recent pictures of us together, but we are both 7 years older and he is still my rock, and the person that I trust the most in this world, I am so glad that he married me and he thinks he got the prize, silly man. He has always made me feel like I was 120 lbs. __________________ Hazel

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09-23-2009, 09:05 AM	#3
tkmommy2108 Junior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Westerlo/Albany, NY Posts: 38 Gallery: tkmommy2108 Stats: 5'1.5" - 268/184/131.5 (healthy BMI weight) WOE: RNY/Atkins Start Date: July 16th, 2009	My BF of 5 years, and father of my kids is very supportive. Of course he's nervous about the complications but overall he supports me 100%. He is not overweight and never has been.

09-23-2009, 02:26 PM	#4
JennyV Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 409 Gallery: JennyV	My then-boyfriend was incredibly supportive of my decision to have WLS, once I had laid out the risks and benefits for him. It was only after I had it, when I really began losing weight and looking better, that he became less supportive. I finally figured out that he was afraid that I would lose weight and dump him. I've since discovered through research that this is a very, very common fear for SOs. After the bf and I split up, I had two family friends ask me if I broke up with him because I lost weight (I didn't tell them that it was because he cheated on me; which I think might also have been related to his fear that I was becoming more attractive and so he needed to find someone else before I did). Is it possible that your husband might be feeling this? If so, it's a good idea to address that fear right away and assure him that you're not going anywhere.

09-24-2009, 07:15 AM	#7
madameruby Senior LCF Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Middle Nowhere PA Posts: 85 Gallery: madameruby Stats: 363/363/200 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Goin at it again	Thank you all so much for your responses. JennyV, you have a good point. I think that may be some of the issue for him. That I will want to find someone else, or something like that. But, if I was going to do that I would have a long time ago. I'll have to reassure him, I"m in this for the long haul, as he should already know. On another note, sorry that relationship ended the way it did for you. But better to have gotten rid of the cheater right away. Why do men always act like that? Eaglesmate - 21 years is a long time! We're halfway to that and it seems like a lifetime almost. Haziefrog, your husband sounds like the sweetest man! (and he's really cute too, lucky girl)! I loved it when you said - I am so glad that he married me and he thinks he got the prize, silly man. He has always made me feel like I was 120 lb. - My DH makes me feel much the same way sometimes. Like if It's one of those days, and I just look and feel like crap, I'll say something to that affect, and he always says. No, you look good honey, your not one of those girls who needs all that makeup and fancy hairdo's and stuff to look pretty. You always look pretty. That's why I picked ya. We talked about things some more and he really feels like since you have to be so careful and eat healthy after the surgery anyway that it made just as much sense to Eat healthy now and lose weight. My response was this: I have weight 260lbs when I graduated high school. Don't you think if I were capable of just losing the weight I would have by now (I'm 33). This WLS is my best shot at actually becoming healthy. Period. Although, he still maintained his position that since I'm going to have be very careful about what I eat after WLS anyway, its going to be just as hard, and therefore basically redundant to have the surgery! He isn't going to stop me from having it done, he knows there is nothing he could say to change my mind, so he has become less cranky about it. And, when the time comes he will be supportive, because he will know I need his help. We have been together for 10 years, and he isn't a big fan of change, and he knows this will change things about me and for me, so I've come to understand why he's having this reaction.