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Old 04-23-2014, 12:03 AM   #1
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Escrite excrite

Ugh. Just ugh. As I sit here, full of cake and other crap (metaphorically), I just feel defeated. I look back on a lifetime of constant attempts to lose weight, and it just makes me sad. A life wasted on futility and waiting to give myself permission to live only when I lost the weight.

I realize it's always been just an excuse to hold an ideal in the future to sate my conscience so I could just do nothing in the present. If my best efforts in my youth and vitality couldn't succeed I despair of finding success in my middle age-which is the time of life when you assess and realize that you have arrived at who you really are, like it or not. By your forties most of the doors to the choices in life have closed-such as will I have children, what will be my career etc.

I have tried EVERYTHING in my weight loss efforts, and NOTHING has succeeded. I almost cringe when I look back at my inumerable attempts where I screwed up my sincerity with a religious piety to "get on the right track" and lose weight/be healthy blahblahblah. I have examined my inner soul, read books, discussed ad nauseum my childhood, been counceled, you name it. I can tell you WHY I got here, but not why I can't overcome.

My last several attempts at weight loss I have felt like a fraud, a phony-it felt pointless because of that oft quoted (but technically incorrect) saying "The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I've got so close to my goals so many times, only to completely sabotage myself. A few years ago I lost over 80 lbs and was about 30 away from where I wanted to be. I felt good, looked good and thought I'd conquered it. Well, then I spent the worst years of my life going through the most painful experiences I've ever encountered, and here I am, over the bad years, but 100 lbs heavier.

I lost my beloved kitty this weekend. He was my heart, my comfort. He was the only creature who I believed really loved me during those dark times, I really could not have coped without him. My heart is broken and I've been medicating myself with food since then. I hate being stuck in this destructive cycle, I'm genuinely scared for my health, for the first time in my life. My youth carried me through before, but I'm staring at 50 in just a few years, and I have to do something about this. But honestly, I just don't know what to do. I feel even more hollow and empty without the comfort of my little friend. He was a part of my every routine in life and when I sit, my lap is empty. When I open the door, there's no thrilled little guy to flop over in joy because I'm home to rub his belly. I dropped a vitamin on the floor yesterday and was frantic to find it before he found and ate it before I realized there was actually no urgency to find it any more.

I must find love for myself enough to take care of myself, but it feels so futile, so pointless. How can I succeed when logic says if the dozens and dozens of attempts before didn't work, how could it now?

I've tried to look around here, see if someone is doing something that might work for me, but sometimes my mind turns away-I just can't deal with it. I can't resurrect that fervor, that zeal. My give a damn is broken. I want to want to, if you know what I mean.
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Old 04-23-2014, 01:00 AM   #2
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Your post - poignant - brought tears to my eyes. I know what its like to lose such a beloved partner in life, so sorry about it. Really.

You posted this because even if the definition of insanity IS as said - there is still a spark in you that knows you can do this.

I could write your post, though I am a bit younger.

Let's do this journey...Baby steps.
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Old 04-23-2014, 01:08 AM   #3
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I'm thinking about the shame aspect of food, diet, body. I'm so tired of attaching morality to these things. If I overeat because I'm unhappy, medicating my emotions, or even because it tastes so darn good and I want more, how is that a failing of morality? People who do the opposite, who starve themselves because they hate themselves, are ashamed of their bodies, were abused or had their self-esteem destroyed by family-we don't look at them in morally outraged disgust, we pity them and are scared for their well-being. A lot of jerky people have made me feel like a worm because of my overweight body, but I'm a kind and thoughtful person. I would move mountains and stand between them and a horde of angry mutant zombies to protect someone else's feelings, and I'M the moral failure? Hell no.

So, does counting and accounting of my food make for a masochistic exercise in self-flagellation? When I'm "bad" here's the listing of my gustatory sins, and when I'm "good", here's a preening self-congratulatory exhibit of my virtue?

Is there another way? A way that doesn't mutilate my internal organs-hello gastric bypass. A society that isn't full of self-loathing physically bloated beings such as ourselves, if we had to explain that some of us became so engorged with fat that we opened up our bodies, and cut, crimped, recircuited, or whatever it is that they do in that surgery, so we would be physically forced to consume less food-what the heck would they think of us? Can you imagine explaining this to people who lived just a few hundred years ago? And horror of horrors, most of these poor souls who endure this act of last resort desperation gain the weight back (or at least some of it.) It boggles my mind that this has become an accepted, common avenue of weight loss. No thanks.

And yet, this contempt and anger I'm feeling is pretty impotent in the light of the significant amount of weight I need to lose to be healthy. If I only needed to lose say 30 lbs and it didn't impact my health and I would never gain any more than that, I'd just accept it, live my life and move on (and be pretty delighted with myself!) Even if I could maintain losing half the weight I need to lose, and could be sure I'd never gain any back, I'd accept it and be content. But the scary thing is, I just keep getting bigger and bigger. It. is. terrifying. It's not even a vanity thing-the older I get the less I care about vanity. I've been married for 22 years to my best friend and we love each other as is, so I'm ok with that part of my life. But I'm so damn uncomfortable. I hurt, I'm heavy, life isn't a pleasure anymore because of my physical self. I love the life of my mind, but I'm weary of my body. I feel trapped in this crazy pointless war against myself.
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Old 04-23-2014, 01:13 AM   #4
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Hi Partyof7 I was writing the post above and didn't see your reply. Thanks I appreciate your kind words.

I'm thought-vomiting here, if you know what I mean. I've got this stuff roiling around in me and it WANTS OUT! I really don't know what to do, but I've got to start somewhere, and I'm hoping letting out some of this pain and fear will at least clear away some of the stuff that's clouding my vision.
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Old 04-23-2014, 10:51 AM   #5
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Hi Katt - Vomit away. I totally did the same in my journal in the beginning. I am 6 weeks (tomorrow) on the path of healing...it's really been great. Don't let me intrude...continue on <3

Also, if I may say...6 weeks ago I sat on the recliner. It hurt to move. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I scheduled a Drs apt where I found out I was 348 pounds. I talked frankly about my problems, emotional eating, inability to feel full etc.
She sent me away with the goal of losing 5-6 pounds by the following month.
I wasn't able to keep that Dr apt. so I rescheduled and it is at the 6 week mark - tomorrow.

Even if I stop right here - I have found something that worked for me and was no pain to do. I feel great. I dont hurt like I did. I feel like a new person. My 5x undies are getting loose!

It's not about vanity for me either, its about loving myself and feeling great.
A lady here has a great quote:

A year from now, you'll wish you had started today.
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Old 04-23-2014, 05:01 PM   #6
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Hi Partyof7 thanks for your kind words. I'm so glad that you are doing well. I went over and read your journal and I'm sorry your mom doesn't see you. Don't we all have mom/parent issues? My mother in law said, and I think she got this from Geneen Roth, that in dysfunctional families, it's always the best and the brightest who are the targets of the negative emotions. It could be that your mom is uncomfortable with herself when, in her heart of hearts, she compares herself with you.

My mom was severely abused as a kid, and I admire her more than I can say that she came out of that a survivor. But she's still screwed up. She did the absolute best she could do, but sometimes, sadly, our best isn't good enough. How could I expect more from my parents but their best? But they still made me feel like I wasn't good enough because of my body. I was a pretty great kid. I made mostly A's, some B's, was obedient, kind-did some pretty cool stuff that most parents would be proud of, but their approval was always held back because they couldn't fully love a "fat" kid. I wasn't even fat, just a little chubby. They are so ashamed of my body, and never let me forget about it-though they are in extreme denial about their feelings.

I have gone through Herculean lengths to try to earn their acceptance. They're not monsters, but sometimes you have to move a mountain to get a mustard grain's worth of change. For some reason that I cannot fathom (actually I know exactly why, because of their fat prejudice I MUST be lazy if I'm overweight...) they, especially my dad, labeled me as lazy. Which is beyond comprehension because I was always the absolute opposite of that. I worked HARD and always put however much work was needed to accomplish my goals.

Despite all the things that I accomplished in my life, I didn't earn dad's respect until I put my life on hold for 3 years to fly back and forth almost every month to take care of mom after her surgeries. Then dad had a terrible accident that almost killed him and I spent 4 months taking care of him. NOW after all that, he sees me in a better light. It's hard to be gracious about his change in attitude and not resent the hell that it took ALL THAT to have him see me for who I've really been all along.

And now, that I've had my own trauma's in my life, they are not there for me. I've had a few things happen to me that if it had happened to them, I'd be on a plane and at their door to help. When I dared to be hurt and angry, they were offended and made lame excuses about how they believed I didn't want them interfering.

I am changing. I will not be a doormat anymore, and I have lost important relationships because of it. My best friend of 20+ years can't handle this and she's gone. We were closer than sisters, and her 5 children were mine too-I was the best aunty in the world. I don't have children of my own and lavished all my love on this family. They made new friends with kids and don't need me anymore apparently, so I've been edged out of their lives for the last 2 years, and just kept for times when it's convenient to use me. I've decided that's not good enough.

The last straw was a few months ago when I made dinner and movie plans with my "best friend". She told me a few hours before she couldn't do dinner, but would meet me for the movie. I get there and a total stranger is with her, which was annoying because it was me who invited her. But I guess she just didn't want to be alone with me. After the movie we all went to coffee, where I found out that they did a group Chucky Cheese thing, which is why she cancelled dinner plans. But the thing that was a kick in the gut is I used to be included in the CC outings. I love doing that with the kids, and always spent tons of money on buying the kids game tokens. Then I find out about dance recitals I used to be invited to, etc. I was crying my eyes out on the drive home (and I rarely cry) and I realized that this wasn't the first time I left crying and that's not a very healthy relationship.

It feels like a divorce, and I lost my kids. I can't tell the kids why I'm not in their lives anymore because there's no way I'd interfere in any kind of a negative way between a parent and their children. Believe me, I've tried and tried and tried for several years now to work things out with my friend, but she's not interested and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm done with being merely tolerated. But it hurts like hell.

I've grappled with altering who I am, changing how I feel, suppressing all the things that make me me to fit in, please these people, but I made peace with the fact that that doesn't really work, and frankly I don't want those kind of compromise relationships anymore. However it's left me a bit adrift. I feel like a failure that I can't sustain the most important relationships in my life. I never thought I'd end up here. I could look to the future and see maybe poverty (ironically I have money) or bad health, but never, ever did I think the most important relationships of my life would end up like this. I was such a people pleasing doormat (of course I couldn't see that). I used to pride myself on being able to make anybody like me, and if they didn't I'd work on them until they just couldn't help liking me, and it never occurred to me to ask myself: "but do I like them?" Well, now I'm asking that question, and some of the problem is, who the heck am I?
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Old 04-23-2014, 07:01 PM   #7
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Wow, Katt. I totally get it.
I am going through a lot of the same things here! I feel peace with it though while I question and search..and INVENT myself.

I want to be kind, truthful, loving, active, and empathetic ALWAYS. I don't want to be a doormat or have my self worth be wrapped up in "What I can do for YOU" which is always how I have been measured.

If I was doing, doing, doing then people loved me. When I wasn't, then chinks in my armour were pointed out.
It made me choose the relationships that I had to work for instead of the ones that came easy and were more than likely ---- positive.
It really boiled down to my self esteem.
I had turned down good, healthy relationships (except for with my husband! We've lasted!) for crappy relationships...I think because it was a familiar pattern.
It hit me 2 months ago that I live the exact same emotional patterns as someone in a domestic abuse relationship.

I keep going back because of my 'love' for the person (in this case, My Mom) but really its because I don't have love for ME...It really had nothing to do with her.

The weight and over eating are just proxys for the unhealthy emotional turmoil I feel. I want to change those problems I need to get to the root.

For me that has been letting it all out, and realizing that life is so precious - I want to be around for it in the best way possible.

A rabbi once said "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, than what am I? If not now, When?"

The answers to those questions take some thinking. I'm at my 'now', learning to love myself, and care for others without getting pulled into martyrdom.

I hope something here I've typed can help you. I totally get it.
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Old 04-23-2014, 07:47 PM   #8
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Yeah Pof7 I totally get what you're saying. I think it's probably more common than we might realize for survivors of self-centered-due-to-abuse parents. I was so busy trying to make up to my mom for the abuse she suffered that it never occurred to me that I was the child and she was the adult and she was supposed to take care of me. And actually considering where she came from, she really did do an amazing job overcoming so much. But she was still screwed up. I'm just so glad her sister wasn't my mom. My aunt is the perpetual victim and nothing is ever her fault and everyone is always out to get her. Watching her raise my cousins definitely put my own parents faults into perspective.

I like what you said about not getting pulled into martyrdom. There's some fair amount of self-righteousness I'm working hard to shed due to always being the "right" one. I took a hard assessment and was honest about my own shortcomings as well as those of the people in my life. I realized a few years back that since my parents made me feel like nothing about myself was good enough, that I'd spent a life time building up this facade of artificiality. I see that in my core I believed that if anything that was the real me was there then it was automatically wrong, so I did, said, felt what was different. If I detected someone's approval of something I did or said, I tried really hard to be what I thought they perceived in that moment. Makes me sad (and tired) to reflect on that. Now that my eyes are opened I can't go back, and all these people who had been riding my back and using me don't like this new person who stands up for herself and says no. I didn't become mean or selfish, I still would do almost anything for the people I love, I just have a line now that I won't let people cross over. But my mom is a bottomless pit of need and my (ex)friend is a selfish user, and they didn't want things to change, so they are unhappy about my changes. And of course, I'm the one paying the price with some hardcore loneliness. My mom I can handle, but losing my friend is the one that hurts the most-I haven't actually lost the relationship with my mom. She has filled her life with new friends and doesn't need me anymore. There was a time when I was the one with the large social network and she didn't have as many friends as I did. But I didn't drop her. I'm so happy for her having more friends with kids her kids ages-she didn't have that before. It makes me question our relationship. Were we really friends or was she just using me and now that she doesn't need me anymore am I expendable? Damn it hurts.
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Old 04-23-2014, 08:28 PM   #9
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Take all the time you need to mourn your relationship with her. <3
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Old 04-24-2014, 06:09 AM   #10
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Katt, Party, beautiful discussion.
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Old 04-24-2014, 02:24 PM   #11
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Thanks Joyjoy, honesty with humanity is what I'm desperately trying to find. I look around and feel really, really alone in this quest. I hope I find other people who want that too, but ultimately I'd rather be alone with it than in a crowd without it, kwim?
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Old 04-26-2014, 09:27 PM   #12
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I'm slowly feeling a teeny tiny bit better. Still struggling to break free of this feeling of moving through molasses. Every time I picture it it's more like spiderwebs. You know how Spiderman shoots someone with his web, and they're stuck like hard sticky ropes. Or in Aliens when people are cocooned in that slime that gets hard imprisoning them. That's what I picture trying to break free from. Forcing myself to talk about it, even in a journal helps though. I think I've built up the walls myself, however, trying to dull the impact of the painful stuff.

Also eating junk, and excess amounts is addict behavior. Dulling the pain, distracting from it through addictive behavior. For me it's food and repetitive behavior, like a card game, or some other game like PVZ, or even needlework or long reading jags. I know I'm really in the dark place when I wanna reread my fave books again. The familiarity is comforting I guess. My point is that it takes up all my spare time so I don't have to think or plan or do or change or whatever. Like today, it took me this long (9pm) to get around to this, cuz I fiddled my day away on all the above. It's SOOOOOO HARD to break away the walls of hardened goo, or Spidey strands or whatever.

I think a big obstacle is a record of failure, with so many false starts and dewy eyed optimism, or Heroically grim determination, or absolute certainty that THIS is the one, the time that I mean it with sincerity and conviction-after all these truly Noble attempts it's really hard to believe that THIS time will be different.

I keep thinking (and honestly I think this is the addict aspect of this) that there is a key hidden somewhere, a switch, a secret code, that if I could just discover it, I'd unveil the reason for my struggles and be able to overcome. I'm trying so hard to not let the feeling that this is hopeless so why bother trying AGAIN-to overwhelm me. But clearly just giving up and (continuing) to give in isn't the answer.
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Old 04-28-2014, 11:54 PM   #13
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Honestly diets are not working for me, I've done LowCarb so. many. times. And pretty much everything else. It's making me a basket case and the constant failure, well my heart can't take it anymore. It's the religion of body our society has framed. You know, it's the last thing that anyone and everyone can judge you with. If you have a fat body, or even just a less than perfect one, people feel entitled to lay some judgement on you-"Oh, you are clearly lazy, or selfish, or don't care about yourself or your loved ones." "Push yourself away from the table and damn your pudgy hide!"

And so we pay penance on the alter of virtue by BMI, and go on the holy diet of self denial and deprivation, and judge our "goodness" or "badness" on what we consume and the energy we expend on physical activity with no destination point or end product. And I'm not even saying that some form of food restriction or exercise for the sake of health are bad things, I'm just saying I want off the treadmill of futility, I'm resigning from the Church of the Perfect Body.

I've been doing a lot of reading on Intuitive Eating, and I think that's is what I need, because no matter how many damn diets I go on, it doesn't solve the problem-which is me using food for reasons other than sustenance. And these diets are just bandaids, or tourniquets or whatever, but I'm tire of feeling like a failure just because of what my body looks like or what it consumes.
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Old 04-29-2014, 05:36 PM   #14
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I've tried IE before, but not really. I've never, ever been able to shake that diet mentality, and for me, I realize it won't work if I don't submit to the process. I don't even know why I lied to myself about doing it, because no one was looking over my shoulder telling me to diet, or not diet, or combine IE with LC-which was what I was trying to do. And I'm not saying that's wrong either, it's just the inner addict in me who lies about everything food and weight related. I'm finally at the end of my rope and a bit disillusioned with dieting because I've dieted my entire life and I'm fatter and screwed up about food and body image and all. I honestly think if I'd never dieted, just left myself alone and shrugged at society that was never satisfied with my body no matter what size I was, the worst I'd be is perpetually chubby, not all screwed up and fat. I'll never, ever be "thin". I'm not made that way. And that's ok. This isn't an excuse to be fat, it's a realization that there's nothing wrong with how nature made me. I was perfectly healthy being a little more rounded than slim people, but not anymore. Now I've got a serious problem from a lifetime of trying to correct something that wasn't really a problem. I do the same thing that most people with chronic weight issues do, I look at pictures of myself from way back and wonder why the heck I was so dissatisfied with myself. I looked fine, I wish I looked like that now.
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Old 05-03-2014, 11:39 PM   #15
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I'm reading Josie Spinardi's book 'Thin side Out How to Have Your Cake...' and just the first 2 chapters make so much sense. That's it, I'm DONE with dieting. She made such an amazing point. Research shows that 99.5% of dieters fail-usually gaining back more weight than they lost. If you applied that statistic to other modalities, you wouldn't take part in that thing. She applied it to an airline that out of every 200 flights, only one arrived without crashing. You'd never agree to fly that airline! And if you did happen to find yourself on one of those flights, you wouldn't blame yourself for mechanical failure as the plane went down. The same applies to diets. We blame ourselves for failing on a "machine" that fails 199 times out of 200!!!!

She also pointed out that it's NOT addiction, which in light of what I posted above, I find personally very interesting. She said there's a sure way to test out if you're addicted or not. If you've found yourself shoveling food down like there's no tomorrow, fully in the throws of a binge or mindless over-eating session, and someone walked in on you-say at work in the break room, or some one you really looked up to or had a crush on-could you stop eating? If you could-you're not addicted because a true addict wouldn't be able to stop. There. Not addicted.

Also she said that having a slow metabolism will not prevent your body from naturally losing weight if you follow IE, if you really only eat when hungry, and stop when satisfied. She made the point that if 2 women, one with a high metabolism, and the other with a slow metabolism, eat the same 500 calorie burger, what will happen is the woman with the HM will become hungry again in a few hours, and will need to eat again. The woman with the SM will take longer to get hungry again, maybe 5 or 6 hours later, and she will eat then. Wow. Mind blown at this! Simplicity itself.

I am feeling some hope (finally!) here. There's some light where the darkness was. I reread my journal above and that was (is) a dark place. I've read several of Geneen Roth's books about IE but I never "got" it. I thought I did, but I could not let go of the diet mentality. I thought this was just a "maintenance" process. I needed to lose significant amounts of weight, and I could not believe I could possibly "trust" my body to be intuitive to settle itself at a healthy weight. It seemed like some new age hooey. GR does a lot of new age hooey that makes me roll my eyes a bit, so I thought this would be some good exercises to practice for maintenance, but it was ridiculous to think this could help with weight loss unless you had maybe 30 lbs or less to lose. She'd never been more than 100 lbs overweight, so how could she possibly know how to lose real, significant amounts of poundage?

I've tried a few times to incorporate IE with LC, and it didn't work. I now see that you CAN'T do both, because that very diet mentality-even though LC is a healthy diet-is the path to eventual failure. It sets you up mentally and chemically into a restrictive deprived state that most of us will eventually succumb to. Not from lack of character or will power, but because it's a powerful, irresistible psycho-physiological outcome of deprivation.

I feel like I can see clearly now for the first time in my life really. I think I had to go through all that crap to get to this point. All this pain and drawing lines in the sand in my dealings with the most important people in my life, the horror of the last few years, and now the rock bottom of losing my baby boy kitty who was my heart and comfort has brought me to a place where I can finally yield. I had to completely give up, be at the end of my rope with no fall back, no hope, none of the things that used to shore me up. I had to be bleak and hopeless and defeated to be able to open myself to the truth. Without my facades and soft spots to land in, being stripped of relationships that I thought were the ones that mattered most, but I see now were holding me back and hurting me-HERE is where I can rebuild on something real and solid.

I. Am. So. Scared. (and excitedhopefulrelieved?)
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Old 05-04-2014, 11:12 AM   #16
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Hi there - I got sick, didn't abandon reading your blog. Big hugs.
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Old 05-04-2014, 11:56 AM   #17
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Hi Pof7 you are so kind to worry about my feelings, thank you. I welcome you're reading and feedback, I enjoy your thoughtful insights, but please don't feel obligated to comment unless you really feel like it. I truly don't expect you to do that. I hope all is well with you and you're feeling better-being sick stinks! I've been fighting a cold for the last week as well.
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Old 05-04-2014, 01:14 PM   #18
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Katt - a very poignant and raw examination of self, truly inspiring. Best wishes to you.
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Old 05-04-2014, 01:47 PM   #19
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Katt--you may also want to read Gilian Riley's book Ditching Diets. It is an excellent companion to the Spinardi book because it addresses addictive desires. Thinking warm thoughts about you--
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Old 05-04-2014, 07:12 PM   #20
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Thank you RR and oizoid I've been following the 2 of you a bit. RR, you charm me with your movie references, and ouizoid I've found your insights on IE very interesting. I've been listening to my hunger and implementing as much as I understand up to this point, and I already feel some peace. I'm reading and thinking and there's no hurry, absorbing and meditating are good things.
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Old 05-04-2014, 07:16 PM   #21
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Oh and thank you for the book reference, I'll def look into it. Did you know that Josie Spinardi lives here in the Bay Area? She's in the East Bay.

Lol I typed all that out because I saw San Fran as location and thought it was from your post, but oops it's mine!
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Old 05-04-2014, 11:09 PM   #22
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oizoid I just read something you wrote in the "Taming The Hungry Beast" journal, that I found really profound:
Everything is possible if you eat like a grownup and not like an impulsive child. (which is another way of saying, it is really really good if you can engage your prefrontal cortex to manage your limbic system: It is by saying, gee, right now you are engaging in addictive thinking. Make friends with your addictive thinking by acknowledging it, but you don't really have to give in to it. You can eat that thing when you are hungry and you will feel so so much better if you do. However, you might not still want it when you are hungry, and you will just have to live with the grief and loss that happens when you aren't driven by your addictive thinking. It is just "neurologic junk" that happens because of conditioning.
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Old 05-05-2014, 05:12 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kattbelly View Post
oizoid I just read something you wrote in the "Taming The Hungry Beast" journal, that I found really profound:
Everything is possible if you eat like a grownup and not like an impulsive child. (which is another way of saying, it is really really good if you can engage your prefrontal cortex to manage your limbic system: It is by saying, gee, right now you are engaging in addictive thinking. Make friends with your addictive thinking by acknowledging it, but you don't really have to give in to it. You can eat that thing when you are hungry and you will feel so so much better if you do. However, you might not still want it when you are hungry, and you will just have to live with the grief and loss that happens when you aren't driven by your addictive thinking. It is just "neurologic junk" that happens because of conditioning.
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Old 05-05-2014, 07:30 AM   #24
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I'm glad that was helpful to you Katt. I can't tell you how often my spoiled child mind wants to start running things! I tell her, "be patient, I see you, I hear you, but let's wait" and it really really helps calm things down and give me peace!
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Old 05-05-2014, 11:35 AM   #25
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Very interesting journey you are embarking! I am anxious to watch you succeed at NOT DIETING!!!!!!
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Old 05-05-2014, 02:36 PM   #26
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Thanks Joyjoy for your comment, I've been reading your comments with much pleasure. You have great insights and I'll be following your journey too.

Thanks again oizoid (how do you pronounce your name? I hear oye-zoid when I read it.)

zipp2play, thank you for your kind comment. I feel much more positive since I've decided to go this route. I just cannot reconcile trying the same thing AGAIN after dozens of attempts and failing. I figure that the worst that could happen is I'll make peace with food and my body and I won't lose much weight. It's better than the constant gain train I've been living on for so long.
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Old 05-05-2014, 02:51 PM   #27
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So, I'm still reading and thinking and studying, but although I obviously don't know everything yet, I'm practicing IE. I have been eating only when hungry, eating without restrictions, and really trying to focus on each bite and savoring it. I hear people use the term tuning into their hunger, so I interpret that to mean thinking about where you are in your meal, are you still hungry? Satisfied yet? Will this bite be the last one that gives me pleasure-will the next one just taste ok? Wow does this make life more pleasant!

I'm also refusing to dwell on issues like is this fattening, or is this healthy, or carby or whatever. I was eating so much crap before that junky food isn't as appealing now. I had my fill (and more!) in the past weeks mourning my kitty and friend and all, so now I'm just wanting real, normal meal time foods. Like for example, at lunch today i had roasted turkey off the bone from the market's food bar, but instead of just green beans as the side-which I had some because I love green beans, but I also had a spoonful of stuffing, and some mashed potatoes and gravy. Yum! And instead of shoveling in too much and being stuffed beyond comfort like I normally would (because these are forbidden high carb foods and I'm not really allowed them so I won't be "able" to eat them from now on) I asked myself how much food would a naturally thin person put on their plate first, knowing they can get as many helpings as they want afterwards? So I made a plate that looked like what a NTP would eat, and I didn't eat it all because tuning into my hunger and appetite said I was pleasantly full before I finished.

I also ate outside sitting on my patio and enjoyed nature while I ate, instead of being parked in front of the TV like I normally do. I'm assuming I'll be better able to listen to my hunger and appetite without the distractions.

I don't think I've figured it all out yet, but there's no hurry, I'm not putting my life on hold anymore until I get thin enough to deserve a life. This is just eating. I like eating, and I'm learning how to really actually enjoy eating. That's all.
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Old 05-05-2014, 03:10 PM   #28
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Carolina Coast in her journal Taming The Hungry Beast said "There's some sadness in it today. I've spent so much of my time thinking about food, trying to avoid it, losing control with it, beating myself up for it, craving it, enjoying it... I have this whole relationship with food that has consumed me more than anything else in my life for several years. Now that it is just becoming ordinary, it really is a loss. I've put every other aspect of my life on the back burner for so long that I can hardly even think of what to do with my mind now. I have all the choices in the world and at this point nothing is coming to me. There's just silence.

I can understand how people can subconsciously abandon a program that works and get right back on the dieting and weight gain/loss treadmill. It is life-altering and that is very unsettling. Bob Schwartz insists there are benefits we gain from continuing to overeat and stay overweight. When I answered the questions he poses in the book I had to come face to face with some very deeply ingrained fears that are preventing me from allowing myself the naturally thin body that lies underneath. It is very sobering. And honestly, I can understand why most people choose not to tackle it for the long haul."

And kwerp responded with "I, too, wonder what will be left to deal with *after* I overcome this. Perhaps thats why in some of the books there's an undercurrent....no, deluge of "love yourself" mantra. Because maybe at the heart of it our relationship with food, and addiction to dealing with our weight is one giant coverup of mental stuff we're not dealing with. And we need to learn to be gentle and compassionate to ourselves for whats around the corner."

This is so insightful. I really think I've been doing this. I'm distracting myself from all the painful crap in life by focusing my pain, fear, self-loathing on food and weight. If I believe that the biggest problem in my life is this, then I don't really live my life, I don't confront the hard things with the people in my life. It's a lot easier to blame myself for being fat that to confront mom or dad or sibling or spouse or friend about what I'm angry or hurt about. People might (and do) reject me or hurt me. Food feels (falsely) like comfort, but I'm taking out the anger and pain on myself by abusing food and distracting myself with it.
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Old 05-05-2014, 03:42 PM   #29
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oizoid made this comment after that sums it up nicely. "This is grief and loss. It has been conditioned to food, and initially the grief was that you could NOT have cake, and then the grief comes up when you realize you just don't feel like that piece of carrot cake, and there is some grief about not needing that idealized piece of fluff and sugar, and then the original shame-based grief and loss that have been pushed into some subterranean space begin to emerge. That is the time that loving yourself unconditionally and behaving like a grownup is the frame of mind that is the "good mother" to your impulsive and grief-ridden child. It is a whole chain of grief, and ultimately what it is about, what the story is --is important to acknowledge and know, but not so important that it gets to derail your authentic appetite. Does that make sense?"
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Old 05-07-2014, 01:32 PM   #30
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Blonde with a Rose on TTHB thread said "Kristin I have felt so broken, so useless, so tormented by my own weaknesses, my lack of 'sticking to it', to anything, my depression about myself, my inability to lose any weight. Then...reading here day in and day out about other people managing to stay on their diet and lose weight...but not me. What in the world is wrong with me???? Well apparently nothing. The other day (last week) I posted a pic on my Face Book fr0m Dr Wayne Dyer & it said "Everything I need comes to me at the perfect time". I had no idea when I posted that, I'd hear about a new thread here, something about intuitive eating or the like. I read the thread, got the book, changed my life. I know I have lots to learn about myself and lots of work to do...but my life is changed for the better in just a few days. I have recommended this thread and the book to many people already, but the proof will be when they see that I no longer diet, in fact that I don't care about it at all.

The thing about practicing control...I have been out of control for so long and all I had to do to gain control...was let go. Go figure!"

I have really felt very similarly in my process with this. There is nothing like the inadequacy of seeing others have success in something that makes you feel like an utter failure. Especially since I've "succeeded" at dieting before. After losing such a significant amount of weight, but not being able to recapture the mindset that allowed me to stay and not cheat and stick with it, I felt irreparably broken. It's so liberating to see that I wasn't broken, the whole concept of dieting is what's broken.
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