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Old 03-30-2014, 06:34 PM   #1
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Check, please!

Today is my 2 week anniversary to my new start, and it has flown by.
My plans have changed some - I intended to do an Atkins 72 style induction but soon realized that at this time - that was asking for failure.

I am in my early 30's. A homeschooling mother of 5 with a wonderful husband, and no family that lives near by thanks to us moving rural a few years back.

I have always wanted to be close friends with my Mom. We have close times and apart times.
I have to guard my heart with my mother as - the one person who is supposed to love you more than any one else - thinks I am a worthless/lazy/horrible/manipulative/liar/drugged out mother and I don't deserve any of the good that has come to me.

This is just what she shared with me 6 weeks ago Just imagine the last 30something years.

I have lost a lot of sleep wondering why she thinks that. It's kind of like trying to smell the color 9.

I realize she has mental illness issues, (she pulls her hair out and I suspect has PTSD) but it is hard when she has always loved my Sister (she's cute, curly haired, dark skinned, thin, etc wheras I am the exact opposite and she has always let it be known - the Indian look she prefers over my Germanic features) and made it known I was no good.


Not to make this all about my Mother, but I guess this last time she went off on me I realized --- it doesn't matter WHAT I do. I will never 'earn' her love.
I had home births, I became a good cook, I do special treats for her, I have always supported her financially before I had kids, I home school my children so she would think I was a good Mom...I gave her grandchildren....None of that matters to her and its ok to quit pretending she loves me in "her" way. She's toxic.

I really started going through depression a few monthes before I had #5, almost 5 monthes ago. It was a very hard pregnancy and I was very lonely. No one even acknowleged anything about the baby or me, except for negative stuff.

I have been really eating my feelings the last couple years -- but after babe was born -- I gained 15 pounds more!
Trying to share my feelings because I desperately want a Mom, and all she can say is "Sister works 50 hours a week and is getting sooo thin. I was a single mom you have no reason to gripe" So it was really no suprise the blow up happened. She knew I was vulnerable. Plus it was Sisters day off, and even though I drove over 150 miles to see her - she wanted to spend the day with Sister. (I love my Sister. None of this is her fault)

I think it may have been a blessing in disguise.
I began to realize that I have been slowly killing myself by eating my emotions. I quit college to be super Mom, and have a marriage that succeeds --- things she said I could never do because ________.

I could be 130 pounds and she'll still find fault. I've been with my children choosing the 'hard way' since they were conceived trying to prove to her that --- what?---- I could parent? I haven't had a date night with my husband in over 5 years - why? - so she wouldn't think I was selfish?
Same with exercise or doing anything for myself - why do I care what she thinks because its not 'good enough' no matter what!

I basically gave myself permission to stop punishing myself. I will break the abuse cycle with my children. They will know they are loved always, and I will show it to them..I will also show them by taking care of me.

I AM worth something, and it is more than just 'what I can do' for every one else!

So with that, I went to the Dr's office and said "I can't quit over eating. I never feel full until I feel sick." I was 230 pounds by the 6th grade. I'm 348 now.
She said that I needed to try really hard to drop 5-6 pounds before my next appointment- April 9th.

So I am trying. My new way of eating so far is:

Unlimited: Leafy greens, oils, eggs, meat
moderated: all other veggies, hwc, cream cheese, etc
Offlimits: Flour, sugar, pasta, rice, starchy vegetables.

Its a start. Its building my confidence, majorly! My tendency to over eat is still there, but its getting better.

I vowed a year of this woe. Same as I did when I quit smoking, or drinking soda. So I am here to stay.

I am going to reach my goal by eating healthy, by exercising callanetics 10 hours a month, walking with Leslie Sansone or outside 30 miles this month, and doing a general aerobic tape as soon as I feel I can.

One year from now I *want* to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary by having pictures taken in my wedding dress with my husband in his suit. I was 250-260 then...Right now there is about a 8 inch gap across my back.

One year from now I want to be able to say "I'm full." and not over eat.

But for TODAY I am going to say I am worth it..and mean it.
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Old 03-31-2014, 01:51 PM   #2
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Today is a new day!
Kids are sick, house is a mess, but I am going to pull away and do either my am callanetics vhs or a 1 mile walk at home.

For B: My breakfast bowl:
3 eggs- 3g
1 zucchini -6g
1/2 cup onion- 3g
3 mini peppers- 6g
3 slices tofu- 4g
olive oil
sriracha -1g
seasoning
1 cup coffee with hwc & sf syrup -2g
Total:
25g carb

L: tuna with mayo and celery sticks - 6g

D: salad with chicken, tomato, 1/2 avocado, egg, 1 teaspoon "baco bits" and 2 tblspn ranch -14g

S: sf jello with hwc - 2g

2 qts water!

Total: 47g carbs
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Old 03-31-2014, 04:45 PM   #3
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It is definitely better to do a modified version and good for you realizing that at this time you just can't do it.

I feel your pain with your mom, my mom and I have a great relationship it's my grandma that I have to deal with. We all live together, 3 generations , my grandma is a piece of work and obviously prefers my sister, no one gets along here with her. But I won't hog your journal with stories-just wanted to let you know I get it!!!

I will be 35 this year, single-never married-never even had a real boyfriend. the only guys that were ever interested in me-the feeling wasn't mutual and vice versa

I think by you writing all your feelings down and sharing them with us you are on your way to healing. She does sound toxic and maybe you need to view her more of a distant relative than someone you are super close with at least for right now, you ARE worth more, you have your own family and if she chooses to sometime be a loving part of it then that's great!

And ps find a sitter and have a date night! You deserve it, if u ever want to talk pls message me on here, we will have success at this weight loss because we are worth it!
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Old 03-31-2014, 08:54 PM   #4
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Party of 7, wow! You definitely need to keep up that positive self talk! You really amazed me with your insight! Can I suggest one more thing? Write that long letter to your mom--pour out your feelings--tell her how disappointed and angry you are that she doesn't treat you better, and doesn't show any respect for all of your accomplishments.

Then, tear the letter up. Send it. Or keep it. Whatever feels right. You will be surprised at the feeling of relief and closure it gives you. Will it completely take away that hole in your heart that an uncaring mother left? No. But you will take a big healing step.
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Old 04-01-2014, 12:47 PM   #5
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Thank you both so much for your understanding. I was actually feeling a little embarassed I shared all that - but thank you so much for your support. <3
I will write that letter. And Repto - I'm sorry you also know what its like. Maybe we will take a date night soon.
For dinner last night I ended up making 2 bunless cheeseburgers. I was really craving hamburger which coming from a vegan/vegetarian background is so odd!

Today I had my breakfast bowl with 2 pieces of carne asada, no onion or tofu. About 17g of carbs. Feel full

For lunch I will probably do devilled eggs

For dinner I may make a taco salad with lean ground turkey.

I made it 3 minutes into my Callanetics tape last night. The kids were just NOT letting me do it.
I will try again today. Going for a walk outside is not possible cause so many of them are sick with a cold/cough/fever. Poor kiddos.

I will be SO glad when my husband gets home. Its been a long 10 days.
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Old 04-01-2014, 06:43 PM   #6
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Your story is so heart wrenching. Unfortunately, we can not change the people in our family. Our lives become easier when we just accept them for who they are. Your mom will always be this way. It is the way she is. The only person that you control, your eating habits, your exercising habits, your emotions, your actions...is yourself. Are the reasons you have done the things in your life solely due to a lifelong search of approval? Are there other reasons you home school your children? Other reasons you home birthed? It is time to focus on those reasons for why you make certain choices. Okay, so you might not take too much time for yourself with all the little ones. So, maybe take a different approach. Getting out of the house and running around with the kiddos at the park is just as much exercise as walking a mile a day. And, you get the perk of bonding with your children. With 5 small children, getting away is not always a good choice especially when they are sick. Make an indoor tent. Create a maze. Doing anything active with them is better than sitting on the couch. A hot bath can be just as rewarding after they are in bed as a big hunk of cake eaten in the dark. Buy some bubble bath. Buy a new book to reward yourself with...for those precious moments when they are all peaceful and sleeping. There are many ways to reward yourself, and even your marriage, without changing your morals and beliefs on child rearing.



Both of these ideas include balloons. With the first one, you make paddles with paper plates and tongue depressors, or popsicle sticks. Play with them. You will get your arm workout. The second one is like badminton with your feet. Kicking the balloon.
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Old 04-01-2014, 08:19 PM   #7
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Wow! Green! Thank you so much for those ideas. Those are GREAT!
Your post is totally spot on. Yep, I've always sought approval - such a succint way of putting it!
I am so glad I homebirthed and homeschool - there are many reasons why I have done it/do it - I think that the results I have gotten from it (while not the ones I'd hoped for from my Mom) have been even more precious.
I suppose I haven't really ever framed it that way.

I am going to think about the things you've posted to me.
Thank you so much Green. All of you ladies have been wonderful. This is such a difficult subject to type about -- but I am glad I did.

I am totally taking responsibility for me, and my choices. I'm making mind, physical and food healthy choices for me.
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Old 04-02-2014, 02:04 AM   #8
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Today for food I ate:
Quote:
Today I had my breakfast bowl with 2 pieces of carne asada, no onion or tofu. About 17g of carbs. Feel full

For lunch I will probably do devilled eggs
I did devilled eggs 5 full eggs 10 halves. Kept me full

I was trying to not eat anything, but I had another cheeseburger attack (?) and so I made two small patties with swiss cheese, tomato, lettuce bun, and 2 pickles which were probably 2c each by themselves.

I also did AM/PM callanetics
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Old 04-02-2014, 02:27 AM   #9
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42g carbs today!
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Old 04-02-2014, 04:42 AM   #10
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You are welcome

How do you count your carbs? Do you count net carbs? Because the carbs you post for certain foods seem a little high. I was thinking about that last night too. Your second post...the carbs seem to be off for the things you have eaten. I think you might be eating less carbs than you think
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Old 04-02-2014, 05:23 AM   #11
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Here's another idea Just make sure you make it big enough that everybody can fit through.

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Old 04-02-2014, 11:51 AM   #12
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I am going to do that one also as soon as they are well! I was going to PM you and ask you where you are getting such cool ideas, but see we cannot PM!
I feel so good - so much better than I did 2 weeks ago

Also re: counting carbs - I am just typing what I eat into google and using carb information off there. At night I use the .gov supertracker and usually they are somewhat close - .gov's is higher.
I don't count net. I suppose in a way doing it this way keeps me honest



Soooo, husband is coming home today! I am so excited. It's been a long 12 days.
For B:
1 minute muffin (not bad. Was pretty impressed really)
3 eggs
1/2 small zuchini (I was stuffed)
2 teeny bell peppers
sprinkling of cheese 1oz
tapatio sauce
water


For lunch/dinner tonight I will probably eat either devilled eggs, salad, or turkey meatballs (that sounds good even though I am so stuffed lol) - maybe that will be dinner for every one.

I have to make my husband some cinnamon rolls as they are his favorite and want to have something special for him when he gets in.

I made myself chia seed chocolate pudding
and sf lime jello so I have something in the works if (ok, when) temptation hits.


Do you ladies think that it helps to think of ones self as 'metabolically challenged' regarding carbs and sugars? If I think of myself as pre-diabetic, I know it seems to make choices easier. Saying I dont eat carbs nor sugar almost frames it like a diet to me.
Does that make sense?
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Old 04-02-2014, 04:08 PM   #13
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I don't think you can PM until you are a member for 30 days? I am getting the ideas from pinterest. GREAT indoor games that are active for kids. Even great stuff once you get out of the house and can play in the yard. Just moving around will give you more exercise. And, it won't frustrate you when you can't get in the callanetics or a walk. There are some great sites that you can plug your food into and get better carb counts. Maybe try googling a site that does it for you. Net carbs are carbs minus fiber and sugar alcohols (both which do not affect your weight loss). For instance, you said a sugar free jello with whipped cream was 2 carbs...net carbs is 1. Probably less depending on how much cream is on top. I try to stay below 20 net carbs daily. Sometimes, I let myself go as high as 50, just to stir the pot up.

Congrats on hubby coming home!!!! Yay I am sure it will be nice to see his face, and to get a little break from being supermom. You should check out Linda Sue's recipes. I think her website is called genaw. She has tons of ideas. Some need special ingredients, but most are just stuff you have around your house.

I never really thought of low carb like that. But thinking of being pre-diabetic puts things into perspective. I just thought of how my children are seeing me. That was enough inspiration for me. And, that I want to look nice for my son's graduation pics...which is just in a few weeks!!!
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Old 04-03-2014, 06:54 PM   #14
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Hello everyone! thank you so much for all of your info Green. :*
Congratulations about your son graduating...Time flies, I know. Went to Linda Sue's website! yum feeling so good about all of this.
This was such a hard topic to write about, but thank you (all) so much. I ordered a book at the library about toxic mothers and how to change your reaction and self heak. My Mom has been trying to reconnect and being nice - I'm trying to be nice but definitely keeping myself from getting hurt!
This last month was just too much crying! Vowing never again!!

You have been so encouraging at helping me to know I can suceed - for me! (and hus and kids )

Today for breakfast I tried the one minute muffin with some sweetened cream cheese and sugar free maple syrup. YUM! With a small 4 oz coffee with dab of hwc - I was in heaven!!! I was full for 5-6 hours. Drinking water and just got on my day without worrying about food.

Tonight for dinner I had two 1/4 pound ground turkey burgers each with a slice of swiss, a plum tomato, 6 big romaine heart leaves, 1 tbl mayo & mustard.

DH went to go find some sf candies for all of our movie night. So probably eat some of those...if I get hungry for a late night snack - probably eat a couple devilled eggs.

Going to try and do 20 minutes of callanetics before movie

Be blessed, friends!
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Old 04-07-2014, 05:30 PM   #15
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Today was a good day.
I ate a OMM with sf maple syrup and butter

had 5-6 sf candies

3 b/s chicken thighs, with a small zucc., 3 baby carrots, and 1 tsp of soy and pb on romaine hearts.

Tonight if I eat anything more it will probably be another OMM. There isn't a lot of lc stuff in house right now, right before pay day

We all went for a walk today. It was great. Then I took the kids to the library, and then we went to the park where I actually played with them. I am feeling so much more energy than I have had. Getting the babes out of the car seat was not such an olympic feat.

Tomorrow I will do my 10/10 callanetics and go grocery shopping - which is 3-4 hours on my feet. We live rural so I shop for the month as much as possible.

Feeling pretty good. Only 2 more days til weigh day!
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Old 04-08-2014, 02:56 AM   #16
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That's great you are able to play more with your children I'm sure they enjoy it and you are making memories
One more day til we weigh in!!
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Old 04-08-2014, 10:39 AM   #17
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I ended up eating 2 more b/s thighs, another omm, and a tblspn coconut flour, 2 tblsp pnut butter, egg & sweetener like "cookie", and a few sips of cocoa made with diluted hwc & monks fruit. I was so starved last night
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Old 04-08-2014, 09:05 PM   #18
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Don't worry about the extra food. It's all low carb, and you are going to have days when you are just hungry. EAT when you are hungry. It's okay
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Old 04-10-2014, 07:50 PM   #19
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Hello Friends!
I wasn't able to make my Dr's appointment yesterday, so I did not get weighed. I refuse to buy a scale because I know I will get obsessive. I don't want that to dictate my emotions, when it is just 1 indicator of weight loss.

Today I started JUDDD. Today was my up day. For breakfast I had a leftover cheeseburger patty, 2 small links of turkey sausage, 2 eggs, and a yellow squash.
I have no idea why I stuffed myself like that, I spent the rest of the day feeling sick.
For dinner I had tacos in lettuce leaves. Really good - but I have to admit to stealing a few tastes of the kids sweet potatoes I baked.

I would say root vegetables are my obsession, but perhaps I should just say food is and save us all time. lol

If I eat anything tonight I may eat a OMM with some sf jelly I bought. Really enjoying my coffee with hwc and sf syrups.
Dr's apt was rescheduled for 2 weeks from today. That will put me on the 6 weeks since I started LC, and since I am starting JUDDD today - 2 weeks on LC Juddd.

I can not believe the mental clarity and boost in self esteem I feel! I feel really good.
Tonight will be session 3/12 of Callanetics for the month. I am not able to do my walking, but I have been taking Green's advice and just being more active with the kids during the day.

I just felt so vulnerable at this time last month, its so hard to describe the difference!!

Tomorrow for my down day I will be eating:

Coffee w/ hwc and sf syrups (60)
broth (20 calories)
One minute muffin with sf jelly (260 calories)
dinner will be 1 bs chicken thigh with 3 cups spinach (161 calories)

Total of 501 calories. Ok, I'll be a calorie over I'll use a smidge less jelly!


have a good day, friends!
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Old 04-10-2014, 08:04 PM   #20
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Good thinking not buying a scale!!!! Good luck on low carb/JUDDD
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Old 04-14-2014, 01:10 PM   #21
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This is my second up day - so far I am loving lc JUDDD.
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Old 04-16-2014, 05:11 AM   #22
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I love food way too much to do JUDD. ha ha I know I would never be able to do the down days! BUT...I am happy that you are finding your medium. Sometimes it takes a minute to get down what works for us individually.
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Old 04-16-2014, 02:08 PM   #23
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I know Geeny! lol Yesterday was a struggle, I will admit. I totally caved and munched on some of the kids (NOT LC) lasagna they were going to throw away.
It took the edge off my hunger and I went to sleep a couple hours later.

My relationship with food is totally changing. I do feel bad I dont cook the large, elaborate meals for my family anymore. I did for Passover, and for Sabbath - but its not thanksgiving in my house every dinner time any more. No one seems to care though.

Today for brunch I ate some lamb and scrambled eggs with brussel sprouts and bell peppers with cheese and brown gravy on top. It was quite delicious way to start an up day.
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Old 04-18-2014, 07:24 AM   #24
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I have those days too. It happens.
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Old 04-18-2014, 09:40 AM   #25
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I'm going to quit updating this journal and make a new one without all the personal emotional trauma in it. Just so you know.
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Old 04-18-2014, 09:55 AM   #26
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Party of 7 - I just found your journal and will be adding you in my prayers. my DH has a toxic mom too and he has spent his life trying to please her... His brother is her favorite and the drama with her never ends. We stay away for the most part !

I am so excited for you and you sound so happy ! Yay ! You are doing awesome !
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Old 04-18-2014, 01:57 PM   #27
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Stats: 333.2/317.2/ next weigh in 5/19
WOE: Induction 72
Start Date: March 30 2014
It is totally okay to have emotional trauma in YOUR journal, emotions is a huge reason why ppl have issues with food, and when you face those issues it's a good thing, you have to heal from the inside out!!
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Old 04-19-2014, 02:57 AM   #28
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Beachy
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Stats: 44 down, 104 to lose.
WOE: JUDD induc.UD 4/10/14 Goal: Under 50g carbs day
Start Date: March 16th 2014
Repto, Well, maybe so...but I feel kind of like a whiner with all the whining I did with my first post. I don't know...lol

~~ Bless you Laura. Prayers are always welcome.
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Old 04-19-2014, 10:35 AM   #29
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: middle of nowhere, Tx
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WOE: low carb
Start Date: LC 7/28/2011
No you were not whining ! You have been through so much. Hope you have a wonderful Easter
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Old 04-19-2014, 12:03 PM   #30
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Location: Brooklyn, Oh
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WOE: Eating less than 20 carbs a day
Start Date: September 13, 2013
Party of 7...losing weight is a journey. Some of that journey is adjusting our eating habits and our exercising habits, but some of that is changing our emotional habits as well. If you EVER watch the weight loss shows on television...they all go through a breakthrough point on emotions. They come to terms with what is REALLY bothering them. Just because you eat cake does not make you fat. I wouldn't delete this journal. It is there for you to vent. It is there for you to discover yourself, get free advise from friends, share your journey. None of us have smooth journeys, and if it appears that anyone does, then they probably aren't sharing everything in there journal. When you can let go of yourself, make yourself vulnerable and heal from the inside out, that is when the true transformation begins. I can tell that you are ready to do this. You are sticking with it, you are identifying issues that may cause you to stall, you are trying new ideas and new things. Your mindset is ready.
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