It's time for me to QUIT quitting!
Hello there! <curtsey>
I joined this site so very long ago and cheerfully admit that I found it was extremely helpful; thus, I lost approximately 90 lbs in only 6'ish months. Yet, it is with a heavy heart that I must also admit that I allowed life to once again provide me with the excuses that I felt forced me to give up my goals. In hindsight, that was very foolish of me. Life may throw me obstacles, and often does, but ultimately the choices I made, were my own.
Fast forward over 2 years, here I am again after regaining half of what I lost. But since I find telling my story to be emotionally therapeutic (not to mention physically motivating if I take the time to re-read it myself), I'm actually going to go a step further and keep a journal here this time around in hopes that if anyone has walked in my shoes... maybe my story and journey this far can give you a feeling of companionship. You are never alone in this world. You need only reach out for help and it will find you.
So please bear with me, this is going to seem like a mini novel but to make sense of me and my journey, so much needs to be included.
Here is a glimpse of my particular slice of life:
I'm currently a 42 year old mother with 3 sons. Their ages range from the youngest at 20 all the way up to my first born who is 25. Here is the crux of it... I have been over weight all of my adult life and most of my teenage life too. Funny thing now is, I'd be so happy to be the weight I was when I was in high school, so that is my ultimate goal. I remember thinking I was so fat when I was a size 12/14 (weighing about 180 lbs). Yet looking back, I think I looked pretty damn incredible. At that time I was about 5'9'' tall, so I very much looked like one of those voluptuous "Betty" girls we all envy (or was that just me). Regretfully my self identity and self worth were so completely tied up in the abuse I had been living with since a very young age that started when my parents divorced and my mother quickly remarried. Weight became my insulation.
At 16, I decided to escape for my own sanity so I got a job and planned my get away. It didn't take long for my bosses to realize something was wrong. After all, I worked right across the street from my home. So with their compassionate understanding and help, a few months later I was gone. First I was hidden in the condo of one boss and then later neatly tucked far away in a loving home with the God fearing mother of the other boss. Both men went back to their jobs/lives knowing they had done an amazing thing. Let me add that I don't advocate this at all. I merely admit, with no guilt what so ever, that this is how physical safety came to me.
Fast forward 2 more years. At 18 (weighing around 220 lbs.) with GED in hand, I contacted my mother to let her know I was safe. Not too surprisingly to some, especially those who deal with child victims, I wound up marrying one of my bosses. The other gentleman became one of my dearest and closest friends for the better part of a decade. I look back now and realize it most likely was hero worship that lead to my initial romantic involvement as that is often the case in abuse situations. Regardless, we went on to have 3 amazing sons.
While I was finally safely away from the abuse that plagued me for 8 years, the scars ran deep. With each new pregnancy I suffered with weight gain. Oddly enough most of the gain came after the pregnancy, not during. The postpartum depression was unlike anything I'd ever experienced in my past and got worse with each pregnancy. I medicated myself with food. It was my constant companion. It never let me down. That combined with the constant emotionally support of my most amazing husband I kept picking myself up after each new episode of depression. The problem was my mind never healed, I never got closure. After the birth of my third son (I was at the tender age of 23) I had a mental break down. God Bless my husband, he always did his best to help me. He and I spent years and years simply rehashing my youth and my turmoil over all I had been subjected to but I developed some pretty heinous anxiety and agoraphobia. Around the age of 26, I came to realize that I had pretty much done anything I could to sabotage my marriage (including Internet addiction) and my faithful, and ever strong husband, was finally showing the wear and tear of my constant struggle for sanity. I had successfully worn him down and he was feeling like it was time to consider giving up for his own self preservation. After 8 years of marriage he began to distance himself. It was during that time his father died and I was so caught up in my own grief and self loathing that I couldn't help him.
The realization that I had effectively chased away the only man that was decent to me was unbearable. My childhood no longer destroyed just me, it destroyed a family, broke up a home with kids. And worse yet, I let it happen. I was a willing participant in that destruction. It was a time in my life that I will never forget. By then I was around 275 lbs. My husband, then grief stricken himself, began to move on and find support in others. While we still technically lived together, he rarely ever came around unless I was at work or gone from the house. Only then would he visit the kids. He simply didn't want to see me, couldn't bring himself to be around me. When that realization finally took hold, it was my undoing.
I was forced to take a good long look at myself and was devastated by what stared back at me. I dropped to my knees and prayed like never before. I cried for hours, I fought though panic attacks.. one after another.. but slowly throughout the very long night, I reclaimed the right to my own sanity. I emerged from that fateful night renewed and believing in my own self worth. And even though I had already destroyed my marriage, I realized that I deeply loved the man that I was married to and it went so much deeper than mere hero worship. It was pure love. He truly was my soul mate and so the least I could do at this point was give him the peace he so desperately needed. Over the next few weeks we met up in public places and calmly discussed our impending separation/divorce. We wanted to make it as easy on the kids (as if there even is such a thing) as possible. We were able to emotionally reconnect regarding our kids, a connection that we felt immediately upon meeting for the first time but has been beaten into submission over the years.
The reconnection was my saving grace. He sensed a change in me, a calm I had never had before, a strong resolution that my mind was finally my own and my torment was over but he had no idea why. He was puzzled and even though he had started dating someone he started coming around the house more. When I realized there was still hope for us, only then did I share my renewed feelings with him and my night of self reflection and prayer. I then asked him to make a choice. Even though I hoped for a great outcome, my heart told me to expect the inevitable.
Re-reading this now, I realize I sound like a terrible person and parts of me really were, though never on purpose. I was still basically a child when I married and had children.. and my husband, several years my senior, was a glorified work-a-holic. So the brunt of the child rearing and everything home related, fell on me to learn though trial and error. So there was a lot of give and take throughout the years (as every marriage deals with) and since my stages of depression came and went over the course of all that time we had plenty of great memories to look back on.
I guess here is where I should mention... in the end, our love won out. :heart: It wasn't always smooth sailing but we've managed the rest together hand in hand instead of emotionally & physically separate. I went back and got my actual High School Diploma and began considering careers. You've never seen a man more proud. He puffed up telling anyone who would listen of all my achievements. Sadly, the happy ending doesn't end there, even though if you've made it this far, your eyes are begging for release, I know my fingers are!
Over the subsequent years, while I've never had another round of depression I did learn that I developed another troublesome issue. Anxiety/panic attacks. At first the attacks were every few months. I felt defeated. All that I had over come only to get saddled with something new fueled my continued food addiction. I felt damaged. Like I had overcome my past and put all the depression behind me only to get riddled with something new that I had zero control over. I worried that I would wind up just as medicated as my siblings and mother. I did the only thing I could, I sought help from a doctor. It was devastating to my psyche, me needing to rely on medication for peace, and I continued to put on weight until I topped off at 350.
Each time the medication worked like a charm and the attacks went away. But the hunger didn't. The debilitating attacks got farther and father in between and each time I thought I could come off the med. But eventually, the panic always returned. I could go farther and farther in between, happy as can be, but then get broadsided with anxiety that always lead to agoraphobia. It always took me weeks to claw my way back from that fight or flight response. The sheer panic, heart racing, profuse sweating and constant impending doom was more real than anything else I'd felt in my life. And each time I wound back up on the med. Again I turned to my faith. I tried to pray the attacks away. It didn't work. Why was my belief system forsaking me? Was I not worthy of peace? I'd been through so much, dealt with more than many, so why was I constantly given new struggles to conquer. Hadn't I dealt with my fair share already? It was then that I began to realize that my faith hadn't led me astray, but my stubborn pride surely had. So what if I required medication? That didn't make me less of a person. If we, as mere mortals, weren't meant to benefit from science, then how did we even have the knowledge capable of developing medicines in the first place? Faith, for me is realizing that we don't always have all the answers and that sometimes it really is necessary to admit that we are imperfect fallible beings. Armed with this new understanding I found a new doctor, one I trusted completely and who really took the time to listen to me. Turns out my first panic attack dated back to when I was 11 or 12. I just didn't realize it for what it was. This wasn't a new condition, it was just masked by years of sever bouts of depression. I was able to learn my triggers and mostly avoid them but what it all boiled down to is I had a chemical imbalance and so while the attacks could be avoided for extended periods at a time by managing my triggers, ultimately they always resurfaced. My major trigger again, comes from my childhood. Change! I had so little control over how I was treated growing up, that now as an adult.. when major life events happened that might lead to a lack of control, an attack would happen. Makes perfect sense now. It didn't have to be a bad change... just a significant one. Like the birth of a baby... or making a major purchase such as a car, or home, or even a change in jobs. Anything that might effect my sense of safety and security. Boy was THAT an eye opener!
My doctor and I now have that all under control. I'm coming up on 8 years since my last attack. My longest stretch being 5 years before that, and three before that. The difference now is, I'm medicated for life. And I not only accept it, I am OK with it. Somethings truly are incurable and we, as intellectual beings, must learn to identify them, and then accept, adapt, and move on.
Which leads me to how I came to Low Carbing. A friend of mine tried it with a lot of success. Many years back, I needed to have surgery which is when I topped out at 350. The doctors told me straight up, they couldn't fix my hernia because chances are at my weight, I'd just re-injure myself. They said if I could lose 50 lbs, then they would be willing to do the surgery. I turned to Atkins. It worked like a charm. I had the surgery and it was successful and I got a nice tummy tuck of sorts as an added bonus. I'd reached my goal and while recovering went back to my regular WOE. Of course the weight came back and with it came extra. Now I was topping out at 365. Holy Cow! I couldn't play with my kids, going to theme parks was too embarrassing so I always took them and refused to ride. God Lord, I didn't want someone to say.. uhhh.. sorry.. you're not going to fit! Or God forbid if I broke something sitting on it.
Back to Atkins I went. Thats when I joined this site. With the help of all of you, I successfully shed about 90 lbs in a little over 6 months. I felt terrific I hadn't seen 275 in over 10 years! I went to theme parks... I played.. I had energy!! If I felt that great, I could only imagine how amazing I'd feel when I lost the other 90 or so.
I went to college, I was really doing fantastic! I maintained a 4.0 GPA for a long time while undertaking a double major. I even joined in free therapy that was offered to students just to make sure I stayed in a mentally healthy place and didn't have any lingering hang ups that might hinder my college success. I had a lot on my plate and I wanted all my struggles to prove to my boys that we really can overcome anything at all and that it's OK to ask for help. I was always cautious to point out, not everyone gets "better" the way I did, and thats fine... the point is, find your way... and GET BETTER! Surprisingly, the therapist was astounded with all that I had over come by myself. She remarked that I had developed an amazing "shelfing system" to deal with stress and/or problem that might arise and felt like I really didn't need on going therapy after a few initial sessions. I appeared to have all my wits about me and had talked myself right into a healthy frame of mind and decent understanding of myself and my limitations. I thrived. I felt amazing and it showed.
(continued on #2 post)
And then my life came to a crashing halt. We discovered that my husband was having several silent heart attacks. He developed diabetes shortly before his dad passed and apparently that has contributed to him not feeling the heart attacks, which I was told isn't uncommon with diabetics. He had always been pretty great about taking care of himself so we never saw this coming. He wound up going from a simple yearly check up to having an emergency triple by-pass with no warning what so ever. This man was rarely EVER sick. He'd never had a headache in his life, was strong beyond all measure, and always possessed more energy that any person I'd ever known. He was like an engine that rarely ever took a break. It was completely unfathomable to me. Eventually juggling college and caring for him took it's tole. I never stood still long enough to make a meal for myself. By the time I cared for the kids, fed him his special meals and got my studies done, not to mention the 2 hour daily commute to and from college... fast food quickly became my go to option.
Then we were put in a position of taking on 2 more kids. My husband has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Our youngest boy together was almost an adult and the end was in sight but that was not to be. My husband was on the mend and back at work so when my husbands eldest son came to us and asked us to take on his kids because he was not able to... we agreed. Both parents signed the children over to us. While going to court to make it all official, once again tragedy struck. My husband suffered a serious stroke. We were just about done with the court proceedings and so there I was... raising two young kids, going to college, trying to help my step son stay clean and trying to nurse my husband back to health. Also during that time my step father died, I didn't expect that to effect me as it did... but it hit me hard. A month later my best friend died. I didn't know which end was up. Half the time I still don't. And while I didn't dip back into a depression I can say that I became numb from the sheer shock of it all. My "shelfing system" was in overload. The last two and a half years have been..... well earth shattering.
But guess what... I'm still here! And I'm not going down without a fight. Once again my husband rallied. He does have a noticeable personality change (among other things) and sometimes it's not all that pretty.. He gets frustrated easily due to his now limited memory and speech difficulties. But in my own struggle within ... I've dealt with worse. He is still my guy and I will stand by that man till the day I die. I've got this! Luckily he has been able to return to work.. tho at a much different pace. Lord only knows what he will do when he can't work. I can't imagine it. I managed to get one BA degree under my belt and was about 3/4's of the way to the 2nd. I hope to return to college and finish that up in the near future. In the meantime, I still have the 2 children who are now 10 and 14. All the emotional trauma they have lived through is hard to deal with sometimes... it takes up a lot of time and energy (hence my need to put by own schooling on the back burner) but then I remember what it was like for me to have parents I couldn't trust. I put them in to therapy at the first sign of trouble and when times get really hard I just remind myself... Someone has to love these kids. Someone has to always fight FOR them and never give up ON them. And it might as well be me. They truly are amazing kids and I'm lucky to be able to give back and share what I have learned over the years.
And now I'm back with renewed vigor. I'm ready to finish what I'd started. It isn't always going to be easy but I'm done letting life dictate when a good time for me to get healthy is. I've been tested time and time again and I always bounce back! I just don't have it in me not to finish something I start. So as of January 1st, 2014 I came back to the Low Carb WOE. It hasn't been easy. The weight isn't falling off like it did in the past. Maybe it's the med? Maybe it's the older age... or some combination of many things. Who knows, but I've learned not to sweat the small stuff... and as long as I'm not gaining.... and I have my amazing guy to curl up each night next to... everything else in life is absolutely small stuff. I'm in this for the long haul. I'm in this for the health. I worked long and hard to get my mind on point. And I truly know it is because I have zero regrets left from childhood. If offered a different non-abused alternative, I'd decline and choose the same path as the one I walked. It made me who I am.. continues to make me who I become... My soul mate, my children... my dearly departed but often remembered best friend, all of them came to me with purpose and reason. I wouldn't give up a single one for the chance at better memories. I'm at peace with who I was and who I am. Now it's time my body caught up to the program and reflects the healthy whole woman that's bursting to embrace the world.
I look forward to coming here often and sharing my continued journey on being the best me that I can possibly be and hopefully help at least one other person along the way.
Wow your story is very inspiring. I really respect your strength and the insight you have for yourself. Being self aware is half the battle. I too have had my troubles that have followed me and made me who I am. The turning point came for me much like you when I realized that I am human and will make mistakes. I turned everything over to God and asked him to carry me as I no longer could do it on my own. Truly believing that he is here for me and has a plan for me has made all the difference. I wish you the best and admire you. May God bless you
in your journey.
Day 2 of '72
OK, Something clicked! Maybe it was my refusal to give up, maybe it was more calories & fat consumed, maybe my body just got tired of fighting me and realized this isn't a fad.. this is a life change. Regardless of the reason... I'll take it and happily report that I had my first "woosh" since starting back on Atkins.
While this 3 and a 1/2 lbs might not sound like a big deal to some, to me it means amazing things! I came back to Atkins at the first of the year. I had my trusty scale in hand and I had all the knowledge still stored in my brain about what worked for me last time along with several books for back up reference.
Yet almost 3 weeks in I had only managed to shed 3 lbs. To be fair, I thought perhaps my scale, after years and years of use, was maybe not accurate. I could have sworn that I started out heavier than I was. A month or so prior to starting back I had been at the doctor with my spouse and jumped on the scale. I'm pretty sure it said something like 340 and I hadn't dieted or stopped eating junk so why would I lose? So when I restarted at the top of the year I was pretty happy to see the scale say 327 for a starting weight. Not a huge difference but I'll take any extra I can get. But when the scale refused to budge over the next 2 weeks I was stymied. I was not cheating.. I was not giving in. Why was the scale not budging since every other time I had done Atkins the beginning weight (first few weeks) fell off with glee (of course some of it was water build up etc.). This time... nothing. I didn't even weigh in every day as I had in the past because I didn't want to psych myself out. But the scale refused to budge.
In the last week I finally saw a little progress. I went from 327 to 323/4. I wasn't over joyed but at least it was progress. I kept right on plugging along and even decided to invest in a new scale just in case my starting weight was not right and I really had been heavier and thus lossing without knowing. But after weighing a few family members with little difference I had to go back to the..... my body was fighting me theory.
I slowly clawed my way down to 320. Since I still felt like the weight I was losing didn't accurately reflect my new eating habits, nor my really large frame, I decided to give the earlier 1972 version of Atkins a try and started that on Monday the 20th.
WTH happened? My brain KNOWS it couldn't have worked over night. It's intensely impossible. Yet this morning I'm staring at a 317. Hot damn!
So while I would love to chalk it all up to this new version I think its more likely the combination of perseverance and understanding some of the changes I've made.
1: I started journaling my food diary using a well known site. I have the website App on my Ipad and I can simply scan the bar code and then input the quantity that I consumed. Can I just say here.... praise Jesus!! This bar code scanner is such a blessing!! :jumpjoy: Last time around, I detested imputing all that data. It just seemed like such a chore. Now its scan, hit a number, done! So I'm completely accountable for everything that goes into my mouth. Here is where I noticed how little calories I have been eating. It's hard to say if this low count is what I've been doing a lot since I didn't journal but it sure makes me go... Hmmmm
2: I refused to give up. Even though the numbers weren't to my liking, I just kept tweaking and plugging along. I knew eventually my body would realize this is for the long haul. This isn't a start and stopper. I've quit quitting on me and this WOE. Each time I do it, my doctor approves, my health improves... I feel amazing. So why on earth give it up. Do carbs really matter that much more to me? NO!
3: Not only did I actually get up and eat at earlier times (I'm a die hard night owl so breakfast for me means 11 amish), last night I had the biggest meal I've had since starting. Every single time I've done LC ketosis kicks in and my appetite becomes none existent. I have to constantly remind myself to eat and I tend to go to long in between nourishing my body. Yesterday I ate more often, in smaller meals. At dinner I had a 6 oz steak with a half a bag of shrimp. It was SOOO filling. But I didn't feel stuffed.I ate that way previously and it always proved fine. But the app says my total for yesterday was only 1024 calories and thats WITH The huge meal. So have I been accidentally putting myself into some quasi sort of starvation? I don't have hunger pains, which is why I have to make myself eat at times so maybe that was what was causing me trouble? All I know is today I woke up to a 3 lb loss after eating a good sized meal last night.
So what I've learned from this is I need small snacks, not really meals, more often. Maybe because I'm so over weight my body needs to be reminded more often that I'm not starving myself. I'm just eating differently and thus I rarely feel hungry even though my body might be?
Or maybe the three plus pounds lost all at once is just a fluke? I don't know.. But I'm going to use it and push forward and find what works best for me.
So while losing so very slowly this time isn't ideal, I can now look and see that three weeks ago today I was 327 pounds and today I'm now 317. being 10 pounds lighter is nothing to leer at since it averages over 3 lbs a week. Years ago I might have lost 10 lbs a week... and I wish I still was but any movement in the right direction is a good thing and motivation enough to keep on keeping on.
Now to celebrate by going and having my self a large bottle of refreshing water. :D
Very inspiring story. I pray you will have continued success on your LC journey. Never give up even if you have an off day.
You are here and that is HALF the battle! You can do this! WE can help. By cheering you on, making suggestions or just reading, we are here!
I'm still on plan though I'm not really sure which one.. lol since i'm confused by the '72 version. Someone suggested I even try JUDDD but I know nothing about it, and what little I read makes me think it would be so hard for me. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I have a hard time limiting myself so eating carbs one day would be my undoing because Id go nuts... lol
At some point I hope to add in exercise but honestly I'm so busy trying to stay on plan, get right with the Lord, take care of my huge family that it leave little "me" time in the middle. In a way its good so I'm too busy to fail but going to a gym right now just isn't in the budget or the schedule.
Now to catch some z's so I can get a fresh start again tomorrow.
Yesterday was a very hard day for me and the first in which I actually went off plan. I didn't feel well and was lying down for most of the day. My cupboards are getting bare so that probably added to the off plan eating. I also think it could have something to do with the gelatin I had. Even though it was sugar free and zero carbs the sweetness of it triggered a craving. At this point I don't think I can continue eating them. I'm really an all or nothing kind of gal.
So for me, yesterday... I had
Breakfast: 2 sausage, 1 egg
Lunch was left over beef fillet from the night before wrapped in bacon.
Supper was a salad consisting of lettuce, cucumber, shrimp, ham and mushrooms.
Then when I went to bed the sna'phoo happened. I was watching TV on my IPad and wound up reaching for my hubby's almonds. They were AMAZING, but off plan (or a later stage). However, I'm not too beat up about it. With all the things I could have eaten at least I stuck with something that isn't just downright forbidden. In the last 23 days I've managed to turn down every slice of cake, every scoop of ice cream, all bread, flour and sugar laden items. So If a half a can of almonds is the thing I reach for then I think at least that shows tremendous progress on my part. My go to's use to be a box of mac n cheese, a fast food burger and fries, or something as equally as bad for me.
Being able to identify progress in my setbacks is a good step for me. I'll take it and keep moving forward.
I read your story with interest. You have overcome so much and you have such a determined, positive spirit, I know you will overcome your weight issues too! LCF is such a fantastic place to come (but I know you know that!) and I find, as I'm sure you do, that daily journaling is great for helping you stay on track.
I'd like to touch on JUDDD for a moment, as you mentioned it in one of your posts. The truly wonderful thing about JUDDD is that it is a tool, not a diet. It takes whatever plan you are on (for example Atkins) and maximizes your efforts. I love it because I have a hard time eating and it really keeps me focused.
A lot of people that JUDDD, do eat whatever they want, but alas, I am not one of them! I eat very low carb most days with the majority of my carbs coming from berries or nuts or vegetables. I really do encourage you to hop on over to the boards and look into it. The people over there are truly amazing, supportive, and just all around a great group!
Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Things I really don't like about being fat:
Taking a shower. It's not that I don't care to see myself naked. Strangely enough that neither upsets me nor makes me happy. I simply see myself staring back at me in all my glory. No, it's much more than the nakedness. It's the space. While I love the feeling of being clean, I detest the feeling of trying to bend over or turn after being fully suds up only to have that blessed curtain stick to parts of me! There is no greater reminder that the size of my shower was not made for the size of me. So to avoid that, I went out and purchased one of those cool oval type shower rods that you see in fancier Hotels. It gives me ample space to move and groove but always serves as a constant remind that the "usual" rod wasn't enough.
Let's not even talk about the toilet and the flexibility necessary there. Nope, seriously.. let's not. Nuff said, m'kay?
Plane rides: Am I the only one who recently discovered that they have add on seatbelt extenders? And sadly, I didn't learn of them until 3 flights after I had already twisted and contorted trying to get that sucker to fit. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Sheer panic would set in. Oh NO! I MUST take this flight to see my dying friend. Not going isn't an option. So in all my frustration, I would tuck and turn and make it 'appear' as if it was latched and just tuck it under a belly fat fold. I knew dam well no reasonably sound flight attendant would DARE ask me to lift my skin flap so that he/she could verify I was all squared away. And if they thought about it, my death glare scared them off. When I found out they did offer them (because one attendant took a look at me and immediately, but kindly, offered it) I was torn between outrage of having to publicly take it and admit that I was too big and the embarrassment at the thought of having to ask for one in the future because I truly did need it.
Theme Parks: Com'on, we all know they aren't made for fat folks. Each and every time I took my kids to a theme park and the biggest kid of them all (my husband) chuckled gleefully at the anticipation of the next ride, he never noticed my sheer terror at the thought of trying to get on a ride or in a seat only to realize I didn't fit (and God forbid if anyone else noticed) so I would always offer to babysit/coat sit/what ever in and effort to kept me from having to go through that trauma every single time we got in line.
My bladder: I thought being pregnant was bad? Pfftt, that is nothing compared to lugging around an extra 100 plus pounds on my bladder and the constant "spills" that comes with being obese. That's not even taking into account a fit of laughter, or God forbit, sneezing! And coughing fits are the devils work.
And still, while all of these things, and more, I have struggled with most of my life, I remained over weight. Why? Because I choose to. I know not everyone does.. some people have health issues and medications that really make weight loss hard to accomplish or contribute to weight gain. That has never been the truth of it for me. I'm fat because I eat, I eat because I choose to. I choose to because it comforts me. And until I choose not to, it will not change. Funny how I can talk myself through so much over the years but never really stood face to face with myself and called myself out on my own food addiction.
That is not to say that if I were never to lose another lb that I wouldn't be OK. My husband loves me, thin, curvy, and downright fat. He loves me crazy and he loves me sane... simply put, he just loves me. My kids too. Heck darned near everyone does. I'm a pretty likable person and pretty outgoing which isn't often the case with overweight persons. But since I've come so far from such a dysfunctional place, I quickly learned that to find true sanity it was necessary to forgive my failings, accept my faults, move n and find a way to be perfectly OK with me as is. And I feel like I've done that and continue to do that on a daily basis.
But let's face it, I'm getting older and while I've always been very healthy, that is starting to change. For the last 10 years or so my doctors over that time have always pondered at how healthy I was, regardless of how over weight I was. I should have had so many problems and I didn't. I was generally healthy other than blood pressure problems that developed long before all my weight gain. Family members all around me who were thin were falling apart. I was not.
But now I'm 42, my blood pressure is finally starting to escalate out of control, obviously a direct result of the obesity and the last few years of stress.Oh, and diabetes is staring me smack dab in the face. I've always suffered from gestational diabetes but never did it progress beyond that; it always corrected itself after delivery. And I quit having babies 20 years ago so that was no longer a worry. Or so I thought. My last checkup proved that to no longer be the case. My numbers have creped up there and she uttered those words no one ever wants to hear "It's time to consider medication as a treatment/prevention." To which I immediately refused. Luckily I'm only in the beginning stages. I don't 'need' it but she wants to prevent it progressing. I look at my husband who takes amazing care of himself but has been a diabetic for more years than I can remember. Despite his due diligence, he has suffered a massive stroke and many heart attacks in the last 5 years. No thank you I told her. I'll pass! I refuse to be diabetic. It's just that simple. Sounds good, but you and I both know deep down it's not that simple. Yet I persisted in my refusal.
Never do I want to be the person who has to admit to family and friends that "I got the diabetus" and when asked how or why, have to respond with "because I choose to be fat". So I let her know I was going BACK to Atkins once and for all with her utmost support and approval.
I'll need to go in for a new lab workup soon. It's been a few months since that horrifying diagnosis. I'm hoping and praying that when I go back it will be much like the time she told me I had high cholesterol and wanted to medicate me. I refused the meds that time too (I had heard all the terrible things Statin drugs do to women). Instead I turned to "Dr. Google" and with its help, I found vitamins/mineral combined with this LC'ing website and I was able to reverse my numbers and win my Doctor over to the LC/Atkins WOE win in just a few months.
I guess all this babbling is a reminder to me, and to all of you... I'm more than what I appear. My size does not define me. I have the ability to change my appearance, I have the ability to change my health, and I always have had I the gumption and fortitude to choose to.
Well now, is that time. Simply put, I choose life, I choose health; but more importantly, I choose me.
Actually, the nuts, berries, and veggies have nothing to do with JUDDD :) They are from the Paleo Diet, which I loosely follow. You can eat meat, seafood/fish, fresh vegetables*, eggs, nuts and seeds, and healthy oils. NO: cereal grains, processed food, dairy, legumes (including peanuts), potatoes, refined oils, and salt.
When I say I loosely follow it, it's because I do eat whipped cream (in the can or homemade) on occasion, mayonnaise in small quantities, and I limit my fruit to berries only right now.
In the meantime, I broke my toe. I'm still on plan 95 percent of the time. Just hard to hobble around right now. BBS!
Oh no! Hope your toe is feeling much better soon! Try not to stay away too long!
On gosh! That hurts so bad! I'm sorry.
So Here I am, I am back on plan after having an evening off to fellowship with others during a buffet. I hadn't planned to eat OP, but there was literally nothing offered that would substitute so I just enjoyed myself, ate minimal amounts and let myself have a nice time. I only went up a few oz.s so I can live with it.
Today I'm trying something I hadn't done before. I made quiche.
It's my first try, and they were good. But, they were also a bit oily and I expected them to be more flaky and large. It might have had something to do with the sausage that I substituted instead of the bacon the recipe called for. I also used heavy whipping creme instead of milk.
Regardless, I will continue to tweak this until I'm in love with it. I love having food pre-made that I can grab and go, especially in the mornings.
Quick check in for accountabilities sake. I'm at 315 today. Which means Ketosis has returned. In celebration I decided to get to cooking and preping future meals.
So far I have cut up/cooked or otherwise fixed:
Hopefully I will have time to make up some MB brownies and some chocolate bark and cheesecake.
My hopes is that since I'm low carb, and my hubbs is diabetic I might sway him to try some of my "treat foods" to keep his counts really low.
And as a direct result of doing all this moving, cooking, baking... I'm drinking TONS of water because its warm by the stove.. =D Double win!
Looking at my profile, I feel like I should redo my picture. That picture was taken of me (a selfie) last time I did Atkins and I'm pretty sure I weighed in at about 280 lbs and was in my very late 30's, possibly even just 40. Regardless, I feel like it portrays a MUCH younger me and I've never understood how? I look 42 to myself, but not others. Go figure.
Anyway, I'm proud to announce that I'm 311 today. Thus despite all my snaphoo's with not losing weight as easily this time I still managed to pull out a decent double digit.
To recap: I restarted this journey after 2 and a half years of being absent at 327 on 1/1/2014. During the first two weeks, nothing I did worked. I barely lost a lb or two only to have it resurface a day or two later. 2 weeks in and I was still sitting at about 325 I believe. So then I switched over to the 1972 version of induction and that did the trick (or the timing was just really great) because in these last two weeks I've done a LOT better. So basically it boiled down to a 2 lb loss in the first two weeks of induction and a 14 lb loss in the 2nd two weeks, even with having an evening eating off plan. 16 lbs total for the month is nothing to leer at. Being that I'm so very over weight, I'm sure I could have done more but this time around I don't belong to a gym and I didn't race right out to join one. I'm trying to make this about lifestyle changes and I know without a doubt I won't belong to a gym forever so I'm trying to make other differences.
So maybe this time around exercise for me is raking my leaves (I live in the country on an acre of land) or mowing the lawn, playing with my dogs... things like that. Up till now I've done zero exercise and even less activity than last time only proving once again that this way of eating works.
Yesterday I was so encouraged that I did a ton of dicing, chopping and cooking. Here is what my fridge looked like when I was finished https://scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/...87290939_n.jpg
I have plenty of food stored up to feed me for a week, and possible even get my hubby to eat cleaner too since he is a diabetic.
After 5 hours of being in the kitchen prepping and organizing, the hubbs came home and rewarded all my hard work by making me dinner. I was too pooped out to cook for myself.
This amazing chuck steak and a handful of squash really hit the spot and I went to bed satiated and proud of all my achievements. I have a renewed belief in myself that this time I can really finish what I've started.
I've been dreading going back to my Doctor because each time she saw me putting back on some of the weight I had lost. Each time I assured her that I would get my act together, throw off all my stress and excuses and put my health first. But each time I didn't. Then she put the label of Diabetic on me. No way! That was my breaking point. I'm always going to love food and it's about time I admit that to myself. High carb foods are always going to be like a drug to me but just like with all other addictions there are methods and steps to take to over come and avoid our triggers. Now I can't wait to see my Doc and show her that I indeed did take her warnings seriously and am back on the road to better health.
I also look forward to the next month with renewed belief that I will achieve what I set out to do. And in anticipation of my 43rd birthday that is coming in March, I'm going to set a mini goal for myself. I'm going to work my butt off to get as close to 275 as I can by that date. That will be an amazing gift to myself and put me right back where I left off. At the same time, I know and accept the fact that this is a tall order to obtain in only 37 days. 36 lbs in 37 days seems impossible. But once again, as long as I'm losing, I'm winning and will accept the number staring back at me on that day as long as I commit to trying my best to get as close as possible to that first goal.
Thanks again for taking the time to read my journey. I hope to be a lot more active and present with my journaling just in case it might be of help to anyone else, including myself, to read in times of struggle.
You are doing great! Keep it up!
I have a fantastic crustless quiche recipe that I can share with you if you'd like. It is delicious!
Hi! Sorry I didn't get back right away...been crazy busy! Here's the recipe. The original calls for a crust, but I obviously don't use one.
1 cup heavy cream or half-and-half
2 pinches kosher salt
Freshly grated nutmeg (I use dried instead of fresh)
Any one of the following combinations:
Cooked spinach, cheddar cheese, cubed cooked ham
Bacon, Sauteed leeks, and Gruyere cheese
Cooked spinach, canned artichoke hearts, and Parmesan cheese
Roasted chicken, goat cheese, and sun-dried tomatoes
In a nonreactive, stainless steel bowl, combine the cream or half-and-half and the eggs. Whisk until combined thoroughly. Add the salt and the nutmeg. Whisk to combine.
Refrigerator Pie Rules: Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Evenly distribute the pie fillings in the pie crust. Do not overfill the crust with the filling ingredients. Do not pour too much royale into the crust. The eggs will expand upon cooking. Bake the pie until it is firm to the touch like set Jell-O, about 45 minutes. Cool the pie for at least 15 minutes before slicing.
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