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MissG 12-01-2013 02:49 PM

I Can Do This....I WILL make it Happen!
 
Hello....

Some know me here.....

Most do not.

My name is Olivia.

This is who I am today......

Miserable
Tired
Grumpy
Mad
In Pain (Sciatica is acting up)
My legs hurt
My clothes don't fit
I get winded easily
I'm not healthy

I'm 35 years old and as of today I weigh 268.


This is not me.

Seabreezes 12-02-2013 09:56 AM

Best wishes for success on your new journey.

I think the food lists are online for Chris's diet. I looked at it, but seem to have success with JUDDD so didn't try it.

MissG 12-02-2013 09:59 AM

No better time then the present!
 
Welp...... I decided to start induction today and just figured why wait! I went ahead and started yesterday. No point in putting it off.

My S/O and I are really feeling the affects of eating off plan. Of course when I eat bad, he eats bad and vice versa. We both started back yesterday.

I am trying out carb cycling this time. Planning to do 2 low carb days and one higher carb day. I'm still reading up on the Chris Powells woe but so far it looks promising and completely doable.

Went walking last night for roughly an hour and took about a 20 min walk this morning. Just eating LC for one day has made me feel better. I don't feel so foggy.

12/1...268.6
12/2...265.4

dipgal 12-02-2013 10:37 AM

Good luck!
 
Good luck MissG! You can do it! It will interesting to hear more about the Chris Powell plan.. another point of view is always good!

LolaGetz 12-02-2013 12:13 PM

Sending all good wishes to you, beautiful Olivia. And Olivia is a lovely name for a lovely woman...you are so pretty in your photograph. I read some of your original journal and so sympathize with the difficult struggles you've had to deal with. I'm glad you are feeling positive and strong now. A positive frame of mind, a positive attitude, is the foundation of all success. Good luck, Olivia.

GailyGail 12-02-2013 12:26 PM

Olivia, good for you for getting back on low carb. You should be proud of yourself. And Lola is right -- you are absolutely stunning. You look like Megan Fox! It is great that your S/O is doing this with you. Once you get back into the low carb groove, you will feel great again and some of that depression will go away.

MissG 12-02-2013 02:30 PM

You ladies are so sweet!! Thank you for positive thoughts!

MissG 12-02-2013 03:05 PM

Ok,

So I was sitting her reading your posts ladies and realized something.

I am in serious denial of how high my weight has gone up. I just looked at it for a good half a minute and realized DAMN, what the heck did I do?

I have allowed myself to eat whatever I want, whenever I wanted and however I wanted it.

The thing is I am eating to soothe myself.

I binge eat when I'm happy, Sad, mad, lonely, for celebrations or Just because My head trips up and goes on a chase with itself.

By that I mean, I have a horrible tendency to become consumed with the thoughts of food and give in. I hate having this terrible obsession. I give in, feel bad, eat some more, get upset, eat some more......You get the picture.

As much as I love my S/O, we have been having some issues lately. Nothing that has to do with past financial issues we have gone thru hell and back over....just the fact that we have grown distant. I don't know if it is me or him or us . All I know is that while we did make it out of the rain that drowned us to the bottom of a pit we had to climb out of, it left him vunerable and stripped him of the confidence to be able to pursue his career again(due to a work disability). I stayed by his side and kept him moving, letting him know that he is as strong as he wants to be ( mentally) and that no matter what it takes things would get better. I mean, that's what you do for your hubby right? You keep the positivity alive even when it feels gloomy.

Anyways, after 2 years of working off and on with cruddy companies that would use and abuse his skills and let him go, he finally landed on a position with the oil refinery out here.

He was nervous he wouldn't get and I just reassured him that this was what he has been waiting for and well worth the struggles we endured. He was hired almost immediately. That was in January of this year.

It will be a full 1 year on jan. 2nd. He is making an awesome salary. Benefits...the whole 9yards. The commute it 2hrs each way. I understand this and it's part of the package. However, since he has become employed with this company he has turned into a person I do not know. He has become cocky, egotistical and on a power trip. His attitude at times is so bad that I do not even want to deal with him. So I've distanced myself as well as it seems he has too.

With that I have turned to food as comfort. It doesn't talk down to me or tell me what I haven't done right. It doesn't act like it's better then me. It doesn't ignore me. lol.....this sounds absurd....but it is truly how I feel. I turned to food the last 4 or 5 months for comfort. It was making me feel happy.

WAS being key word. In June I was about 235 and slowly ate my way up. Now, what I haven't shared is what I saw on the scale last wednesday. I hit 273 and nearly started crying.

Another issue of mine is daily weighing. This can be a problem but is also my solution. Daily weighing keeps me in check...... I havent touched that scale since early oct. and at that time I was about 252 from what I saw on my other journal. 20lbs in a bit over a month.

About 13 years ago I learned that If you are too big or looked big that you wouldnt get any attention from a man. I did it on purpose. It took me a few more years after that to snap out of that frame of mind and realized I was just hiding from myself and I didn't like that I was that person.

I think that's what I've been doing the last few months. I have been eating to satisfy myself and knowing that it would make me gain weight and push him away. I also know that again, as much as I love him, I am ready to find myself again too. I am not happy right now......and nothing I say to him is even heard. I tell him how I feel and he just tells me its my issue.

Right now I am going to work on my eating. Prioritize and work on me. I don't know whats going on with him but I do know what's eating me. lol.....no pun intended.

We do get along for the most part but its more like companionship now. I need to let go of whatever is going and just push forward.

Yay......long rant over!

dipgal 12-02-2013 03:50 PM

Here's a (((hug))) Olivia! That took a lot of courage - both to figure it out and to write it out. I think you have your head on straight, and a plan.

I have the exact same problem - eating for comfort. I also drink for comfort. You appear to be much younger than I am.. so, my advice is to get a handle on it now, and also on what makes you happy and fulfilled. Change is scary... I get that... It can be so worth it though. I wish I had known that 20 years ago.

You'll do great, and you'll make wonderful decisions! We are here to cheer you on!

MissG 12-02-2013 04:05 PM

Thank you Judy!

I have always been a binge eater. In my early 20's I learned how to quiet those thoughts and used it to my advantage to make changes within myself. The last 3 years have been trying and never really recovered myself from the ordeals we faced during that time.

I also have tendencies to binge drink as well. Don't like it......those thoughts use to be the devil in me a 6-7 years back. I just had to fight the temptation on saturday night. Once I have a drink I want more....sucks to admit that too. That last happened in early november. I don't drink often cause I know that's my downfall and leaves me crappy feeling the next day.

Right now acknowledging my hurt, fears and frustrations is the only way to cope and make changes to what I am doing right now.

I really want change.... and as I sit here I know it will not happen overnight. Change takes time and it took time to create this mess I am right now.

LolaGetz 12-02-2013 04:38 PM

My heart goes out to you completely. I so understand. We are all vulnerable and often choose unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to ease the our pain. Know you are not alone in this. And do not feel shame or guilt about it; we are all human and we all struggle in one way or another. As you say, change takes time. It also takes a plan and you have one in place. That is the first and most important step. Equally important is confidence in your own strength and you have much evidence of incredible strength. You survived a terribly difficult childhood and came out of it a balanced and sweet person. You are a good mother and a good wife. You are strong and competent and beautiful. You can do this because it is worth doing for yourself, your health and your children. You will be successful because you will make good choices. I know you can and will.

MissG 12-02-2013 05:56 PM

Lolagetz.........

You made me tear up....... your words soothed my soul. I keep alot to myself, I try to hide pain....doing that is the only thing I know to keep me from appearing weak or vunerable.

Unfortunately, it comes with a price.

Just releasing some of my feelings today lifted the heaviness. Thank you for your kind words.....you have brightened my day.

DesertGurl 12-03-2013 07:49 AM

Wow. I missed alot. Glad that you are finally realizing that you are important and need to come first. Sounds selfish at the start, but you will see that it is absolutely mandatory. Trust the process! :heart:

You have alot of people here rooting for you.

MissG 12-03-2013 09:10 AM

12/1...268.6
12/2...265.4
12/3...263.8

GailyGail 12-03-2013 10:06 AM

Wow, Olivia! You lost 5 pounds in two days! That is fantastic. You must be really proud. I also agree with Dani's sage advice about putting yourself first. She is totally right.

LolaGetz 12-03-2013 10:41 AM

Sending hugs and words of praise for your loss which is pretty impressive. You are certainly doing something right!

greengeeny 12-03-2013 11:44 AM

Years ago, when I was still with my son's father, I felt the way you do right now. I am not saying the answer is to leave, like I did. But, I can totally empathize with you. We had become companions, never intimate, and the companionship was iffy some days. It seemed like we were two different bodies just working towards the same goal. We had everything. The house, the cars, all the material things. But, I wasn't happy. I was made to feel like I was inferior. And, believe it or not, I was okay with that. I felt at the time that sometimes you have to make sacrifices for things to work. Everything changed when Andrew, at the time was 11 years old, came to me and told me that Jim was being nasty to Christian, our 4 year old. That he would always yell at him to shush if I wasn't around. He would send him to his room by himself so Jim could hear the tv. He would spank him if he touched the walls in the house. That was all I needed to know to break the camel's back. I put my children in the car and drove home from TN, left all of those material things behind. We have been by ourselves now for 7 years. The only bad part, we were never married, and when I left, he disappeared. He has never paid child support or even seen his son since that day. I have scraped and crawled to come back. We will never have what we had materially with Jim, but my children and I have so much more. Not a day goes by that I am happy I made that decision.

The rawness of your post really touches me. I can remember so clearly feeling the same way that you do right now. TRAPPED. Whether you decide to work this out with your husband, or move on, remember that you are better than that. You can change how you are feeling right now.

On a lighter note...congrats!! That is amazing weightloss in such a short amount of time. Already on your way to creating a better you :)

dipgal 12-03-2013 02:00 PM

Great loss Olivia! Although we shouldn't place our value and confidence on how much we weigh, I know it helps us make better decisions about our direction when we feel good about ourselves. Keep up the great work!

Greengeeny - good for you for doing what you had to do. Your prior relationship sounds like mine as respects companionship and nothing romantic.. however, we are married and have been for 26 years. We still have fun together and act like grownup teenagers sometimes. No kids, so we are the only "family" we have. It's too late for me now, so it breaks my heart to see younger people feel "stuck".

MissG 12-03-2013 05:53 PM

Thank you Dani, Gail, Lola and Judy!

I do have to admit that last night til today is a bit hard. I'm going thru the ketosis process right now. Had a headache, tiredness, hot flashes/warmbody last night and today. I was sooo tired today. SO hopefully by tomorrow I will hit the high energy of bieng in ketosis.

Also, my monthly reminder is here. lol... So between cutting, sugars, getting into ketosis and well...ya....Im not surprised as to why my body is going thru it.

................

MissG 12-03-2013 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greengeeny (Post 16704608)
Years ago, when I was still with my son's father, I felt the way you do right now. I am not saying the answer is to leave, like I did. But, I can totally empathize with you. We had become companions, never intimate, and the companionship was iffy some days. It seemed like we were two different bodies just working towards the same goal. We had everything. The house, the cars, all the material things. But, I wasn't happy. I was made to feel like I was inferior. And, believe it or not, I was okay with that. I felt at the time that sometimes you have to make sacrifices for things to work. Everything changed when Andrew, at the time was 11 years old, came to me and told me that Jim was being nasty to Christian, our 4 year old. That he would always yell at him to shush if I wasn't around. He would send him to his room by himself so Jim could hear the tv. He would spank him if he touched the walls in the house. That was all I needed to know to break the camel's back. I put my children in the car and drove home from TN, left all of those material things behind. We have been by ourselves now for 7 years. The only bad part, we were never married, and when I left, he disappeared. He has never paid child support or even seen his son since that day. I have scraped and crawled to come back. We will never have what we had materially with Jim, but my children and I have so much more. Not a day goes by that I am happy I made that decision.

The rawness of your post really touches me. I can remember so clearly feeling the same way that you do right now. TRAPPED. Whether you decide to work this out with your husband, or move on, remember that you are better than that. You can change how you are feeling right now.

On a lighter note...congrats!! That is amazing weightloss in such a short amount of time. Already on your way to creating a better you :)


Thank you for sharing your story. I too am in a longterm relationship . Never married. It's been 9 years. I can see why you left. I wouldn't tolerate any of that either. There is a fine line as to what will be allowed and treating children badly is not one.

I've thought about leaving for the last few months. Our growth is done. I'll write more in a bit.

MissG 12-04-2013 09:08 AM

12/1...268.6
12/2...265.4
12/3...263.8
12/4...264

Yesterday was a higher carb day. I'm trying a new approach to how I eat. Instead of eating everything I have on my plate I am stopping when I notice Im over chewing. If that makes any sense. It's helped with portion control.

Today is lower carb. I have had 1 egg cream shake so far and drinking my coffee right now . I need to push water today too. I didn't drink enough yesterday.

right now programming myself to eat 5 times a day is a bit hard. Im working on it though....I managed to eat 3x's yesterday. Plus right now my grocery funds are limited and have limited items to choose from right now. Next week I will be able to get the things i need and plan meals out.

So far so good.....Im feeling better already.

MissG 12-04-2013 10:49 AM

Im adding a new goal for the month. The goal is not to see what I can lose but to adapt to this woe once again.

Daily goals for the next month:

Walk at the very least for an hour
Drink at the very minimum 80oz of water
Eliminate any SF sodas (I had some yesterday)

As the days move on I will set new ones but these are things I have neglected and need to incorporate more of right now.

DesertGurl 12-04-2013 10:54 AM

So glad that you're starting to feel better!

Great goals for the month :high5:

dipgal 12-05-2013 10:11 AM

Sounds like a good plan!! Glad you are feeling better!

MissG 12-09-2013 09:40 AM

12/1...268.6
12/2...265.4
12/3...263.8
12/4...264
12/5...xxx
12/6...xxx
12/7...xxx
12/8...xxx
12/9...265.2


The end of the last week and weekend was icky. My DD6 came down with a stomach bug which lasted 3days. Poor thing could hardly keep anything down from Monday til Wednesday. Late wednesday night I started feeling queasy. Chocked it up to ketosis , took 2 tylenol and went to sleep early. Thursday I woke up feeling nauseous. No throwing up but my stomach was cramping and how my daughter said " throwing up out of my butt" ...lol. I know gross.

My stomach still feels unsettled...I didn't weigh myself those days...and kinda just ate semi off plan til last night. Anything I ate has gone thru me.

Still noticing some changes. My face is thinning out and yesterday I finally got some energy back .

DesertGurl 12-09-2013 10:12 AM

Ugh, I hope you get to feeling like your old self again soon :hugs: We've just got the sniffles, etc rolling through here and that's bad enough!

GailyGail 12-09-2013 02:26 PM

Hope you feel better, Olivia!

MissG 12-09-2013 10:04 PM

Thank you ladies.

Surprisingly, Im feeling sooo much better tonight. I haven't quite started carb cycling, well in a sense I have but not to the T. Just been eating low carb. Today was pretty busy. Walked 2x ...not very long but roughly an hour. Better then nothing.

Drank about 70oz of water which is pretty awesome compared to the last few days. Tomorrow I will shoot for 80oz.

Well I'm pretty sleepy, took one 5mg melatonin to relax me, so memes time it is.

MissG 12-10-2013 08:41 AM

Good mornin'

Feeling great this morning! I think staying hydrated yesterday helped me........ALOT!

12/1.....268.6
12/2.....265.4
12/3.....263.8
12/4.....264
12/5.....xxx
12/6.....xxx
12/7.....xxx
12/8.....xxx
12/9.....265.2
12/10...261.8 YES!

Due to the fact that this is weight GAINED from October til now, I will look at this as losing back down to my set stuck point of 250ish.

At anyrate this is gooood and am happy it's moving again.

MissG 12-10-2013 08:55 AM

On as side not, the S/o is not really trying to be on board with this. Last night he decided to go and have del taco when I told him directly what I was making him and I for dinner. It ticked me off. SOOO as of this point on Im on a solo mission. :)

If he's not concerned, Im not either! lol.....


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