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-   -   Rise from the ashes—a limetwist reborn. (http://www.lowcarbfriends.com/bbs/weight-loss-journals/816239-rise-ashes-limetwist-reborn.html)

limetwist 10-30-2013 11:12 AM

Rise from the ashes—a limetwist reborn.
 
I hope you like reading, because this is a long one. Trust me, it's worth it. Settle down, kiddos.

I was once a devoted member of the low-carb persuasion, having whittled myself down from a portly 230 pounds to a svelte 135. I was engaged, to be married at an indeterminate time in Summer 2013. Everything was goin' quite swell. I was cooking every gosh-darned meal, and eating like a low-carb king.

Wait for it...

I was still having some issues with my hormonal birth control (lack of drive, mostly) and switched over to a new brand, the Nuvaring. Sure, its convenience was arguably, well, convenient—never having to deal with munching down pills at 10 PM despite my desire to crash at 8. However, with this newfound freedom came a loss of control. I was suddenly incredibly ravenous and found myself craving all sorts of nasties and overeating at any given opportunity. I was getting married in 3, 2, 1 month—ohmygosh—and yet I couldn't find the wherewithal to keep myself from polishing off half of the peanut butter jar in a single weekend, on top of that block of cheese, and the pork rinds, and the...oh, so you get it. I was upset with myself. I cried a few times, realizing I was letting myself slip, but I just couldn't manage to find a way out of my hole. The medication (despite following my doctor's advice to give it a 3-month adjustment window) was making me ravenous. It was a slow and twisted journey but I started to slowly incorporate more and more nasties into my diet.

And you know what?

It felt good.

GREAT, even.

My fiancé and I totally took the opportunity, with both of us feeling lazy, to start a life of carb crime.

Now, I mention the birth control switch as sort of my catalyst, but I take full responsibility for my actions. I mean, c'mon—I was fat in the first place. I obviously loved the stuff that got me there. Despite having lost all of that weight, I was a fat girl at heart. I can out-eat almost anyone I know.

I won't go into a ton of horrible detail, but I'll let you know that at least, for the most part, I made all of my carbycrap.

I must say...I learned how to make incredible homemade pizza, cookies, cinnamon rolls, and brownies. :hyst:

My problem is that I have no moderation, though. I'll eat an entire tray of cookies myself.

I half-heartedly tried to low-carb during the week, while going nuts on the weekend. Eh...nice try, girl. But you know that ain't cuttin' it. I just pretty much ate whatever most of the time. I didn't cook as much.

Got married, had a lovely carbtastic honeymoon with booze and pizza and candy for breakfast—so much that my teeth hurt when I got back home to Tennessee.

I knew I was a lost cause, but I didn't want to face it. The scale hadn't gotten any love for months. My clothes were seemingly shrinking. My self-esteem was mostly destroyed, and for this I still kept ignoring it. I was sad, but not sad enough to quit making pizza and brownies every weekend, I guess.

Everyone has their wake-up call, though. Mine was last weekend actually. Friday the 25th, I was at a lock-in at a gaming center with some friends. I wanted to do this bungee-trampoline game, but I did not realize that I would have to be ...gasp...WEIGHED to participate! I stepped on the scale, determined to keep my eyes closed and my mind ignorant, but to my horror, they wrote my weight on my wristband (in the event that I wanted to do it again).

"You're about 170," the attendant said.

My god. Really? Is that what I've become...?

So I let him strap me into the bungee harness, and I felt much like a roast tied up with butcher's twine, bulging in all sorts of random places, my friends watching my every move (unbeknownst to my inner turmoil the past few months). I could barely make it through the ~3 minutes of jumping, I was so exhausted!

I had also noticed that night, my ring and wedding band had been irritating my hand. They had gotten tighter with my weight gain, of course. I already have huge knuckles, so getting them off was even difficult at my lower weight. I left them on, and the skin underneath my finger had become inflamed and irritated, presumably from water trapped under the band.

The next morning after our lock-in, my finger was still red, angry, and swollen. I walked into the kitchen, attempting to remove it with the aid of Dawn, and to my horror, the skin underneath was tearing. It was at that moment, combined with the painful truth of hearing my weight the previous night, that I started to cry.

How could I let myself get to this point? After all of my hard work, I threw it all away. My husband has slipped too. We both acknowledge our fault, and our part in encouraging each other to be bad. We both knew we felt happier eating the way we did before, despite the initial rush of pleasure and bliss from that piping-hot pizza out of the oven.

But, I asked myself: is it really worth it?

To be crying alone, standing at the sink with my finger swollen and achy, panicked that I'd be trapped in this body forever after undoing so much of my hard work? Would I have to go to the emergency room to get my wedding ring clipped off?

My husband was sleeping in our room and I woke up him, crying...not my proudest moment. He was so comforting and let me know that no matter what, I'm always beautiful to him. Words of consolation, but I still knew the truth of the harm and lack of respect I had for my body. In such a small time frame...I had undone a huge chunk of work.

This was it. My time of change. My slap in the face. My saving grace moment.

I was going to brave my bathroom scale and start over. I mean, he said "about 170", so it can't be that bad, now can it?

Hopped on my scale.

184.8.

The number stared up at me. My heart sank.

Had he been lying to spare my feelings...?

I had a good cry (round two) for a while to come to terms with the fact that I had gained 50 lbs in under a year, but really...it makes sense. I ate, and ate, and ate...all crap.

Sure, it was fun, but it wasn't worth this.

Saturday, October 26th—I was reborn. RE-CARBORN!

I have been sick twice in the past two months. My tonsil stones have come back with a vengeance. I'm tired all of the time. My clothes don't fit. I actually went out and bought a few new clothes, scrambling to find anything sized Medium that would fit me still, to at least preserve my ego. I thankfully spent maybe 100 dollars max on new clothing, and most of it will hopefully wear just as well when I drop the weight.

Oh, and I became a huge fan of skirts, oddly enough. No pun intended...

I could write so much more, but I don't want to bore anyone here to death.

Consider this my carb confessional. I was a very active member in these forums, and now that I've started to cautiously read again, I felt it appropriate to be accountable for my actions.

Don't get me wrong. I truly did enjoy all of the naughty cooking that I did. It was a great bonding time for my husband and me! I learned a lot, and it was fun, but ultimately I need to do what is best for my health and mental well-being. Low-carb is it.

I started at 184.8 on Saturday, October 26. This morning, I woke up at 179 even. That's 5.8 lbs in 96 hours. This is obviously water weight, but it just feels damn good to finally have control of my life again and to be able to face the scale. Not to mention seeing it plummet like that.

I have a plan to get back where I was, and to STAY there. I'm a person who learns from her mistakes, and trust me...I'm not letting this happen again.

Take it from me, a very successful low-carber who fell from grace—this is the life I was born to live.

And now I'm reborn to live it.

FitMommyNow 10-30-2013 11:20 AM

Amazing post! Welcome back!

LadyKT 10-30-2013 11:24 AM

Oh Lime! I was wondering what had happened :hugs:

You can do this - you had amazing success before - you can do it again!

limetwist 10-30-2013 11:29 AM

I'm alive, for sure. I just hate that I let this happen. But you live and you learn.

It really does feel good to write it out. I haven't written in months. I miss writing my cheesy low-carb anecdotes and writing out my daily menus. LCF is such a great outlet for my creativity. I really do have a passion for health, food, and creativity.

I always joked with my husband about how I should gain weight just to lose it all again, and well...here I am.

I'm no longer feeling sad or depressed like I was these past few months (or Saturday for that matter). I'm taking control of my health. I know exactly what to do, and I'll never screw this up again. I'm empowered. No more sadness. Just determination.

And thank you both for the encouraging words.

DD80 10-30-2013 11:35 AM

Congratulations on finding your way back. Sometimes we need to fall so that we remember how good it feels to pick ourselves back up and move forward. Welcome back!

limetwist 10-30-2013 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DD80 (Post 16664210)
Congratulations on finding your way back. Sometimes we need to fall so that we remember how good it feels to pick ourselves back up and move forward. Welcome back!

THANK YOU. It feels incredible. And your words ring oh-so-true. I'm ... actually really enjoying myself, losing the weight again? I mean, granted, I'd have rather never gained it back, but at the same time—I'm already stranded on this desert island and I might as well enjoy the scenery while I work to be rescued. ;)

Lucy12 10-30-2013 11:44 AM

Loved reading your story and it sounds like you are very determined. I think that's great! Welcome back!

snowangel9 10-30-2013 11:49 AM

:welcome: back! You are funny, and tell a great story. Maybe you should write a book? I think a lot us can relate to your story. But all those yummy high carb things can be made low carb! But, not yet.. Good job on the loss, water or not, you're still down and that's worth celebrating. Congratulations on your wedding too!

luvmybabyhead 10-30-2013 11:59 AM

Welcome back!

AsmallerME 10-30-2013 12:42 PM

Welcome back, Lime! We've all missed you!

GailyGail 10-30-2013 12:44 PM

Cristin/Limetwist, welcome back!!! I hope you know how much everyone missed you! So many folks were asking about you and I thought you went to the Paleo boards. Everyone missed your smart, insightful, hilarious posts, gorgeous photos and delicious recipes! Seriously, you are one the most beloved and respected folks on this board.

Please know that you WILL succeed again -- you did low carb just beautifully. And speaking of beautiful, you are still GORGEOUS. I remember you posted photos of yourself at different weights and you were still lovely at a heavier weight. So for God's sake, don't feel badly about your little sojourn. You just took a small but fun detour -- and got closer to your husband and learned a valuable lesson in the process. Heck, the vast majority of us on this board are repeat offenders on low carb so you are in good company!

Again, welcome back LimeTwist! It is a happy day to have you back again!

Jody1958 10-30-2013 12:51 PM

Welcome back.
 
Well, good story. Congratulations on your marriage and being back on the plan. You are lucky your husband wants to do low carb with you. My husband is trying to lose with portion control, and he's not losing much, plus it would be encouraging to do it together. I'm going to make another low carb pitch soon.

dmburk 10-30-2013 12:56 PM

Hey! This happening to me is one of my greatest fears. I am glad you are back on track. I just made a protein cookie this morning and thought of you.

clackley 10-30-2013 01:04 PM

:welcome: back! You are not the first, nor will you be the last to slip. Mine lasted a heck of a lot longer than months.... years and that was will so much effort to get back on the wagon.

On a selfish note, I missed your posts.

limetwist 10-30-2013 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GailyGail (Post 16664325)
Cristin/Limetwist, welcome back!!! I hope you know how much everyone missed you! So many folks were asking about you and I thought you went to the Paleo boards. Everyone missed your smart, insightful, hilarious posts, gorgeous photos and delicious recipes! Seriously, you are one the most beloved and respected folks on this board.

Please know that you WILL succeed again -- you did low carb just beautifully. And speaking of beautiful, you are still GORGEOUS. I remember you posted photos of yourself at different weights and you were still lovely at a heavier weight. So for God's sake, don't feel badly about your little sojourn. You just took a small but fun detour -- and got closer to your husband and learned a valuable lesson in the process. Heck, the vast majority of us on this board are repeat offenders on low carb so you are in good company!

Again, welcome back LimeTwist! It is a happy day to have you back again!

Gail, you are a true gem. I'm just overwhelmed with the support pouring in from a l'il (bigger) ole' failure like me. Actually, not a failure. Just a...misstep. Let's call it that. Your lovely, beautiful words sincerely get me right in the heart. OW! No, really. I was feeling the waterworks trying to turn on as I read your post.

I did briefly disappear to the Paleofolks—I do pretty much follow the general plan except for being a cheapo with meat quality—but I feel much more in sync with the general low-carb crowd. I ditched any online paleo discussion soon after my "transition," though I am still interested in a lot of paleo/low-carb crossover.

I am so flattered by your kindness. It is you and many other wonderful folks here who make me pleased as punch to make my (not so glamorous) return. I sincerely thank you again. :heart: Now my husband and I are sitting down together at dinner going, "MMMNNNOHGODSOOGOOD!" with everything we eat. And now we can feel better, not break out, and lose weight all at the same time. The only thing homemade pizza offered was the "yummy" factor. No thanks.

IT IS A HAPPY DAY TO BE HERE!


Quote:

Originally Posted by dmburk (Post 16664339)
Hey! This happening to me is one of my greatest fears. I am glad you are back on track. I just made a protein cookie this morning and thought of you.

It was mine, too. Unfortunately I got hit. But remember this--I will never let such an occurrence happen again. I'll be 25 next month, and I intend on living the rest of my adult years in health and wellness. :) I need to break back into the protein scene! I still have the tubs, after all. YUM! Thanks for reminding me. <3

Quote:

Originally Posted by clackley (Post 16664351)
:welcome: back! You are not the first, nor will you be the last to slip. Mine lasted a heck of a lot longer than months.... years and that was will so much effort to get back on the wagon.

On a selfish note, I missed your posts.

I understand. I am grateful I managed to have my emotional breakdown before I had gained even more back. :hyst: See, I'm already laughing about my TOTAL FREAKOUT. Whew! Add that to my ever-growing list of low-carb benefits. Thank you so much for the support.

SIGH...guess I have to keep posting, if you like me so much. ;)

--

THANK YOU EVERYONE! I feel so...cleansed. You have no idea. I AM A CHANGED WOMAN! Hahah.

snowmop 10-30-2013 01:38 PM

Glad you're back! I hear ya on the BC---- it's what did me in lo,those many years (like 40!) ago!!! Back then, they gave you massive doses of hormones that made you want to eat everything in sight. And I did.

limetwist 10-30-2013 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowmop (Post 16664399)
Glad you're back! I hear ya on the BC---- it's what did me in lo,those many years (like 40!) ago!!! Back then, they gave you massive doses of hormones that made you want to eat everything in sight. And I did.

Bleh, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I need it to be a functional woman, sadly. Sigh! Also, not interested in that whole "baby" thing. ;)

For those interested, I have also created a journal where you can find my day-to-day ramblings and food pictures and other various potpourri:

http://www.lowcarbfriends.com/bbs/we...ist-redux.html

Totally thought "born again from the bread crumbs" was way funnier than "rise from the ashes." I crack myself up.

Low Carb Librarian 10-30-2013 02:02 PM

Missed you limetwist!
Glad that you are back.

terez 10-30-2013 02:03 PM

I'm glad to see you back, and I can totally relate to the "weekends are for partying" mentality. Plus, having gained because of steroids, I can relate to gaining weight because I was starving. Yeah, I thought I could get away with everything as long as it was "sugar free". Ummmm...no. Doesn't work like that.

I can't even do the low carb treats; at least not now. And I don't want to get into the habit of thinking I can replace junk food with low carb junk food.

I'm getting pretty close to doing maintenance (okay, 25 pounds or so) and it's going to be a challenge in itself on how not to gain.

Yeah, I'm pretty good at semi starving myself (while protecting muscle and bone). In fact, I've made it an art form. But maintaining in the real world? I have no idea.

Arctic_Mama 10-30-2013 02:10 PM

Welcome back, Cristin! I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were :)

As for birth control, that stuff sucks! It can definitely be a catalyst for all sorts of hormonal problems, including uncontrollable appetite. Me and my husband avoid hormonal methods at all costs for just that reason.

Preventing regain takes vigilance, and the whole thing is a learning experience. It sounds like you learned a ton and are totally ready to go back down the scale. We're rooting for you!

jhbyrd 10-30-2013 03:01 PM

Boy have I missed your post and guess what I am right there with you. I was around 150 (Goal was 145) and I am now back up to around 180. I am slowing get back on track but it is a struggle the carb crap taste so yummy but I feel like POO!!Anyhow glad you are back!! Look forward to reading all your post!!:high5:

Jeannie

renogeorge 10-30-2013 03:29 PM

You are an inspiring and amazing lady! This is only part of your journey.

shelby'snana 10-30-2013 04:07 PM

Welcome back Cristin ! Was worried about you ......... so good that you are here and posting :)

princessmommy 10-30-2013 04:12 PM

Welcome back Limetwist!! We missed you!

ivyjewels 10-30-2013 04:21 PM

Welcome back!

You where always such an inspiration to me.

Wishing you the much success on your new journey!!!

Erin57 10-30-2013 05:08 PM

Welcome back Limetwist! I too wondered where you went off to. I have missed your posts.

Aleina 10-30-2013 05:18 PM

Welcome back. A very good story well written. You can do this again but you gotta stop that crying malarkey, you are going to be dehydrated in no time if ya carry on like this. ;)
Looking forward to reading your blog ,too.

Jody1958 10-30-2013 05:35 PM

25 next month!!!!
 
Oh, that's great. I'm happy for you you found low carb so early in your life. I did my 4 pregnancies before I found low carb, and that was when I gained a lot. (And didn't lose it when the babies came.). I don't know exactly how it works for pregnancy/nursing, but I'm sure people here do, and I'm sure you will be much better able to maintain a healthy weight during those years with this knowledge. I bet Paleo would be a pretty good fit. After all, humans had babies and nursed them before they started eating grains.

limetwist 10-30-2013 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arctic_Mama (Post 16664433)
Welcome back, Cristin! I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were :)

As for birth control, that stuff sucks! It can definitely be a catalyst for all sorts of hormonal problems, including uncontrollable appetite. Me and my husband avoid hormonal methods at all costs for just that reason.

Preventing regain takes vigilance, and the whole thing is a learning experience. It sounds like you learned a ton and are totally ready to go back down the scale. We're rooting for you!

HIII! I'm so touched that everyone has been been thinking about me. Touches me so.

It really does suck. :( Sad face. If I don't take birth control, I unfortunately cannot cycle regularly. Siiiigh. Reproductive efficiency does not run in my family, apparently.

I definitely learned a ton and will use it towards my future endeavors. It's a humbling experience.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jhbyrd (Post 16664502)
Boy have I missed your post and guess what I am right there with you. I was around 150 (Goal was 145) and I am now back up to around 180. I am slowing get back on track but it is a struggle the carb crap taste so yummy but I feel like POO!!Anyhow glad you are back!! Look forward to reading all your post!!:high5:

Jeannie

I'm glad I'm not alone. It's not a good feeling, man. But I'm more determined than ever now. I loved the carb crap, but dang it makes me feel bad! And I just overeat like crazy. BLUH!! THANK YOU!


Quote:

Originally Posted by Aleina (Post 16664642)
Welcome back. A very good story well written. You can do this again but you gotta stop that crying malarkey, you are going to be dehydrated in no time if ya carry on like this. ;)
Looking forward to reading your blog ,too.

I VERY rarely cry, too. Haha. It takes a lot to set me off, so you can imagine how close to home it hit me. No more tears. :) I've been drinking enough water this week to make up for it!

--

A big thanks to all of the kind words and encouraging posts. Part of me was afraid I would be looked down upon for stumbling on my path but I'm thrilled to see nothing but support. Thank you to everyone.

cabrioluvr 10-30-2013 05:53 PM

Welcome back!!! Can't tell you how many times I've looked for you on the boards. You will have this beat in no time! We have all fallen off the wagon - important thing is getting yourself back on!


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