I made a journal a couple of months ago or so. And I think I got deleted for inactivity. I'm back and have begun induction. I started Monday and it's been hard.
My moment came when I got in a lazy river with my five year old god daughter and six month old daughter. With my left hand I clung to the left and leaned over. The ride lasted about fifteen minutes and I couldn't wait for it to be over, because I was deathly afraid of tipping over. I was afraid of what would happen to my daughter if we tipped over. People were allowed on the lazy river with their babies but I regretted getting on it with the kids. I was conscious of my big butt most of the day. I don't want to feel like that again.
So yeah, it's been hard. At around 4 I get a nasty headache and it's a challenge to get under control. But here I am, day 3 is over and I'm going to bed.
OH Girl, we all get there! You can jump in and get back to it! We all have a journey! You and do this!
Thank you Monica :)
I feel like a bear because mostly I sleep. The headache is unbearable but if this is my body's way ofprocessing things so be it. Today it is almost three and I don't have a headache yet so I think that's good.
I measured myself this morning and lost a half inch off my hips. Very happy, the more I think about it.
I've gotta add exercise, but that will come when I finally have the energy.
I warn whoever is reading this that this will probably be long-winded and possibly depressing.
But this is for me, so I suppose my owns go with my ups.
Last night I got a letter that mae me really angry. It had to do with my rent and lease, and to make a long story short, they threatened to put us through eviction procedures over something really trivial. I got so angry I cried. I felt angry and hurt, helpless and violated.
And I ate. I had some sips of cola, half a cup of ice cream, a cup of cereal with milk, and a chocolate bar. I did it without thinking. And this morning everything went to poop.
Today I had a bowl of cereal, soda, white castle burgers at dinner. It all went to heck. I wasn't thinking, just ingesting.
I'm angry and stressed about money. I'm always broke no matter how hard we try to budget. I have a root canal I have to pay 400 bucks for. I can feel the pain in my tooth slowly building up but can't afford it yet.
Summer is closing in and soon will come the back to school expenses for my five year old. The baby is in diapers and that and formula are expensive. The car needs maintenance. My husband I need new glasses. We all need clothes and shoes. Bah!!
My son told me today that I'm fat, but slowly getting skinny. It's weird that in his innocence he can still bluntly tell me how it is.
I want to succeed but things are so expensive. Am I making excuses? Tomorrow is another day so I suppose I will press on. I don't know. I will sleep on it.
I suppose that I should be decent and introduce myself. Better late than never.
I am 31 years old and will be 32 next month. I'm married to my best friend. We have two children, a five year old and a six month old. I work as a social worker.
I'm at a point in my life where I don't quite know what I want out of it. I feel happy where I am, but is this it? Do I let go of my personal self and dedicate myself to the kids? I don't know if I'm okay with that yet, but I feel I have my hands full and don't have a second to think until they sleep... unless I'm so exhausted I pass out first, which is the norm.
So. My parents split when I was 8 and my relationship with my father is estranged at best. I think it has a lot to do with my body issues.
As a kid I was the fat kid, I got bullied severely. A boy showed me his weiner and stalked me in 6th grade when I did lose weight and look normal. I was the nerdy awkward kid who couldn't pass a group of other kids without getting called a fat b**** an etcetera.
As an adult, I don't let anyone near me, and still feel awkward around new people.
I realized something as I am typing this. I think that as long as I live my life in hiding, like fat people "should" I avoid feeling hurt. If I don't go outside I won't get made fun of, and if I do I asked for it because I went out. If I put my big butt on a chair and it breaks, it's my fault for not being careful and sitting on it.
But when I go out like I went to the waterpark, I had so much fun! I felt bad on the lazy river. But it felt nice to be outside. The grass between my toes, the water... the fresh clean air and the view of the clear blue sky. When I go out, I feel good.
Putting on cute clothes remind me that I want to feel cute and that I am a woman.
But for the most part, I hide.
Anyway, I don't know if any of that made sense or not. But for now, that is all.
Two months ago I weighed 312 pounds and I was scared because the weight has been creeping up on me since I gave birth in January.
This morning I am approximately 308 pounds, as I weighed myself on my mother's spring scale.
Last weighin 312
The roller coaster of my weight:
As a kid I was fat but I don't remember what I weighed.
As a teenager, I remember weighing 180 pounds when I was playing volleyball and about 200 the rest of the year.
In my 20s I was about 310 after college.
At 365 I gave birth to baby number one in 2007.
At 406, my doctor gave me the ultimatum... lose weight or die. so I had bariatric surgery.
At 280 pounds I found out I was pregnant with baby nuber 2.
At 324 pounds, baby number 2 was born.
And I am currently at 308.
With all of my cheating I lost four pounds in one week of eliminating non-salad carbs.
This is the beginning of my journey. It will not be easy. But for lack of a better reason to say so, I am going to shrug my shoulders and try to keep going.
An hour ago I made scrambled eggs with hot dog bits and tomato. I drank water even though I was tempted to drink soda.
I think one of my lessons is that I have to be kinder to myself and accept that mistakes are normal. I just have to keep at it.
My mind is jarbling with a lof but I don't think I should continue to ramble.
I feel your anxiety and anger. I feel your hopelessness as you write your blog. I, too, have felt like this before. There are still some days now when I wake up and don't want to go anywhere. I avoid exercising in public for fear of someone seeing me or making fun of me. I hate my clothes and how they fit. I hate my boobs, my belly and my butt. I wish I could just chop them off some days! I want new clothes but can't afford to buy them. And, what if I wasted the money today on clothes and couldn't pay the bills tomorrow? I am a single mom of two boys, and sometimes money is tight here too. This blog is good for you though, just as it is for me. It gives us a chance to vent out pent up feelings. To talk about stuff that nobody gets to hear out loud. You have already started on a good path. Remember that small steps is better than no steps. Even though you binged, you caught yourself. You made yourself accountable. And, you restarted your program.
As far as the tooth and glasses and stuff like that...are you eligible for state assisted insurance? If money is tight, they offer free insurance! And, if you make too much money for that, most big hospitals will prorate you based on your income. The big hospitals have optometrists and dentists in them. Check it out.
Thank you for responding, I didn't think anyone would respond. I do wish I could chop off body parts somedays. I am going to look into what you said about hospitals. I don't qualify for public assistance at this time. My finances were starting to even out and then I went on maternity leave and the drop in pay due to receiving temporary disability threw everything out of whack again. There are days I wonder that everyone would be better off without me. I wouldn't hurt myself, I just consider myself a waste of space sometimes. I'm going to continue with the blog though I don't have high expectations and I'm not sure why I keep coming back. Thank you for caring though. It means a lot.
When times are the hardest for you, just keep in mind that you have a little one that would be lost without you. No matter if you are an average mother or a suffocating mother, little kids adore their mothers no matter what. When you think of how it might be better for everyone if you weren't there, think about her. Think about parents volunteering at school, think about helping with prom, think about who will help her when times get rough...think about who will remind her to take a bath and brush her teeth. Even when all else seems hopeless, she will need you. She will be lost without you there for those monumental events. Times are tough. Life has not been easy. There are days that I want to throw in the towel, but then I think, who will do what I do for these boys? They need me. And that is enough to keep me going.
Today I am on Day 10. I don't feel crazy hungry as I usually do. I joined a challenge on facebook so I'm not supposed to weigh or measure until July 29th.
I am annoyed because I was forced by my job to switch to a different insurance and it has been causing me hassles. From giving birth to my daughter, I'm being charged 4k by the anasthesioloy department at the hospital. It has to do with the transition.
Another thing, I had to see a neurologist from deecember through february. Well, the new insurance doesn't accept the referral made for the previous insurance and I'm trying to get this resolved but I'm hitting up blocks everywhere and I cried yesterday. If I can't get it resolved I'm going to have to pay 4000 dollars plus for a medical procedure even though I have insurance and went in-network. I let myself have a few spoons of vanilla ice cream because it was a weak moment.
I pay 650 a month toward the car so we can go to work, and 1250 in rent. I don't spend a dime on frivolous crap, but there is always a damned bill here and there and it's driving me nuts.
I'm paying out the rear end towards debt. I don't buy new clothes or anything. The car needs an engine flush which costs 150 bucks. Etc. Etc. We paid 90 bucks for groceries at aldi's yesterday because the girl was a jerk and didn't le
t us break the purchase down to smaller bits so we could use the 5 dollars off 30 coupon. Hubby got upset and so did I. I felt so depressed I cried about that too.
I feel guilty that I'm paying more for salads and meat than I would if I stuck to cheap. I'm also afraid it will cost more if I get sick from eating cheap though so I'm damned no matter what I do.
I'm tempted to ask for opportunities for overtime but I don't see my children as much as I would like because I get home at six every night. This, after years working so much that I never saw my son at all. I couldn't do that to him again unless it was a last resort.
I suppose another reason I drown myself in eating crap is if I eat I don't have to think about the hard stuff like this....
I am, on the exterior, a happy person. And I am grateful for everything I have. It's just very very hard. And also very hard to say no to everything my son wants because we can't afford it. And very hard to feel guilty every year when hubby and I put aside thirty dollars to spend a day together on a date so we don't drown our marriage with all the burden..
I am waiting for better times.
There is a part of me that wants to continue full steam ahead with Atkins and I know it is guaranteed to give me results. However, I also feel guilty at only eating meat and salads on a shoestring budget with a family to feed. I am thinking I might have to give this thought. Like maybe I should focus on getting my water in first and then take it from there.
My headaches continue to get better. They were unbearable last week. Today I woke up okay and haven't felt headache yet. I've been feeling sleepier though and tired earlier.
I've got to exercise. But between baby and poopy energy I'm realistically not going to go for a walk or anything. So my goal today is to put on some music and do a few minutes of dancing. Something is better than nothing.
Day 12 and I feel hungry this morning. But I also skipped breakfast because I didn't feel hungry then. I regret this, as usually I make my scrambled eggs and bring it to work with me. I boiled two eggs and brought them with me. I ate one an hour ago and am feeling my stomach grumbling.
I see no change whatsoever physically but am trying to be patient. Afterall, I've cheated here and there.
Last night I did ten situps after the kids fell asleep.
I am genuinely happy it is Friday. My worries don't go away but I've gotta stay upbeat.
Good Morning to the world. I am currently having breakfast, scrambled eggs with ham and cheese. I haven't weighed today and probably shouldn't until the 29th but knowing me I might do it anyway.
My baby girl woke me up three times last night. I have nothing in my head right now.
There is a heat advisory and people are being advised to stay indoors and limit strenuous physical activity. I hate to say, but don't have to tell me twice.
I got on the scale and lost 2 pounds. Finally! After two weeks, two pounds.
Tomorrow we are planning to go to the lake to BBQ to celebrate someone's birthday. I bought a shirt yesterday, it's brown, sleeveless and looks crocheted even though it isn't. I'm probably going to wear it with denim shorts and flip flops.
I fit into strechy xxl nightgowns now at kohls, which is exciting. I won't buy it, because I can't afford it anyway but it's nice to know.
Back in 2010, I wouldn't have fit into anything less than size 34 pants from Woman Within. I had to buy multiple pairs if I found anything that fit. Bah!
Moving forward. Day by day, work in progress.
I was browsing the exercise boards and stumbled upon the walking one. They commit to walking a certain number of miles monthly. It made me think...if I walk one mile a day it is the distance from my mother's to my house every day. And if I did a mile a day it would amount to thirty miles a month. I'm going to see if I can get my mom involved so we can walk together.
BBQ tomorrow. Well, in a few hours..
So we had our bbq at the lake. I walked a lot, it was a mission to get everywhere, even long walks to the bathroom. I got on a paddleboat with my husband. I didn't like the experience because it felt like we were going to tip over. I stayed in the middle of the boat to keep the weight in the middle. I dove off the diving board and swam in the deep end. It was a good day and i feel awesome.
Unfortunately though, any weight I've lost I am losing from my barely existent boobs. Alas, I will never be large chested.. mom says I look like I'm losing weight.. I don't know but I kind of see it sometimes when I get a glimpse of the definition starting to show at my neck/jowl area.
It is hot, humid, sticky, and I'm confused it feels this way because it's raining.
I'm sore and it sucks. But for some reason I felt compelled to come home and clean, taking advantage of while they are at my mom's house. I didn't get to walk but that should count for something right?
I've been cleaning for two hours and am aiming for one more hour before I go back to my mother's house.
This morning was a rush to get out the door. I felt myself with no desire to get out of bed. But I'm here at work, so be it.
For lunch I got a salad at the cafe, because I had no time to pack lunch or I would have been late. It's yummy.
Also, I am normally completely against artificial sugars but am drinking a diet coke. For surgery my nutritionist had advised me to have everything sugar free. I'm not a fan of this, but I'm having trouble kicking soda as it's my biggest cheat and this is my 0 carb compromise for now.
I feel crampy today.
This salad is okay, but I'm annoyed I paid seven bucks for it. When I make my salads I put shredded cheddar over the greens and slow cooked meat. And it's cheaper. Bah!
I am tired, my body feels sore and my throat hurts. I'm debating whether I'm going to work.
OH I hope you get to feeling better. Being a Mom especially with little ones is TOUGH!
It's one o'clock and I still feel poopy. My throat still hurts, my body is still tired and sore. I feel drained. I also have a sharp throbbing pain by my ear which I know is the broken tooth but I can do nothing about that yet except take advil.
730am - half bowl of cereal DS5 left over
1245pm cuban sandwich
I know it's a lot of carbs but in the morning I felt if I threw away son's cereal it would be a waste of money, which there is so little of. And was tired and running late for work. Didn't have time to prepare lunch, so I had to suck it in and get lunch at the cafe. I considered having a cup noodle soup that's in my drawer but knew it probably wouldn't sit well.
I have a diet coke and am going to wait until I get home at 6 to eat again. Meh.
I'm debating leaving work early.
Well then. I do feel poopy, but I'm dealing with it.
I needed something to feel better, so I started looking at when I'll be done paying my debts. If we continue to work hard at it, we could be done in as early as another year. What a relief!!
Amazing!! This number makes me happy because it means that I have lost 12 pounds. Woohoo!! Yay me!! How long have I been at this? I think about three weeks soon.
I've gotta start exercising, but who the heck wants to exercise when their throat feels like there is a cheese grater in it? Bah! But I am happy. 12 pounds... woot!
Hi jmhearts. Please don't feel guilty about what you eat. You need to eat this way so that you will feel better and be able to take care of your babies. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I know it seems like things will never get better, but they will. My husband and I have been through times like this also. You can do this. Just remember that the better you take care of yourself, the better equipped you will be to deal with all of the crap coming your way. Hang in there!
I am so glad your MOM is close and able to help you. It makes a WORLD of difference!
The doctor put me out of work for two days. I think I'd rather be at work, things are so annoying.
Doctor says I have a virus and possible infection. Meh.
Despite taking the antibiotic, I feel like crap and my throat is on fire. I'm at my mom's and don't want to wake anyone up so I've been silently browsing the net and am bored with it.
I found out by looking at facebook that someone who used to be important to me passed away. I feel something inside me so sad. I wasn't told anything about it and she was really dear to me. Oh well I suppose.
My cousin is pregnant and I'm shocked because I know her and I remember her saying she didn't want children
My family is a big bunch of jerks and fakes. After my parents divorced I stopped existing to my father's side. It hurt, and I thought I was okay with it but am not. What fault did I have for my parents splitting? When my father's mother passed away I went, and saw all the tons of pictures over the years of my cousins growing up together and I'm not in any of those pictures. And when she got sick and started dying, I was the one at her side helping my uncle care for her while the cousins partied and spent all of five minutes at a time with her.
You can't count on them for anything unless you're throwing a party with expensive food and alcohol. It makes me angry. But at the same time, I recognize that by not growing up with them I am not a jerk like them.
My father. Why does it seem that I always come back to my father? I am always told that he loves me but doesn't know how to express it. Yet. He makes me feel like nothing. My parents divorced when I was eight. It was chock full of drama. And then he disappeared from my life.
He never called, or wrote, or paid child support. He never cared whether I lived or died. He raised another kid as if it were his child. And I'm happy for him, why not?? But he never gave a flying behind about me. I grew up without my father, not because he was a hero or dead. I grew up without my father because he couldn't be bothered with me.
I need to get over this but nights like this when I have trouble sleeping it haunts me. I acknowledge my beautiful mother had to do double duty and I'm grateful. But why didn't he man up? I asked him this last year and his response was that I was a disagreeable child and said annoying things.
That's been in my heart for more than a year and I've told no one how much it hurts. I stopped speaking to him since then, even though we were "trying" to repair our relationship.
I heard he got mugged and now he's got ptsd. I shrugged my shoulders and said for his "son" he raised and the "horse face wench" he married to deal with it. They got all the benefit of his affection and money? I'm not going to be stuck with the hard times like for my grandmother. I'm not going to lie, I cried my eyes out in the shower when I heard.
That makes me feel selfish but I've got plenty of my own problems.
My throat hurts so bad and my neck feels sore and I'm miserable. Ugh, I hope tomorrow is better or that I can at least get some sleep.
Hope your feeling better.
Please stop thinking your not good
enough because your father left you.
HE has the problems not YOU. He was
selfish, make any excuse to not make
himself feel guilty.
You've got a good husband, two chikdren.
Be happy. You can lose weight. You have been
losing. Keep it up. Almost in the 200's!
Buy things on sale. Eggs, tuna, salads, hamburger
you can make low carb. Drop the diet sodas, make
lunches for work.(don't forget) That $7.00 could of
bought eggs tuna and hamburger.
You could save money.
PS Fight the Insurance Company.:mad:
I feel like I'm finally getting back on track.
At 280 I will be back to my pre-pregnancy weight. It's exciting. I will be back to the loser's bench I was on when I had my sleeve.
I feel better in that my throat and stomach. I have chosen not to think much otherwise.
I'll be going home on Tuesday. I look forward to being with hubby again and to trying on some stuff I have in boxes waiting for me to shrink into them.
I feel very guilty about my money situation but do remind myself often that this is a temporary situation. It could always be worse. It's just overwhelming because my dear son asked me to take him somewhere fun just for the two of us and I have to figure out where we can go on a budget. Id like to take him to chuck e cheese.
I feel so apathetic tonight.
Thank you :)
It's hard to shake that guilty feeling but I do get what you're saying. I am grateful for your kind words.
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