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Old 05-12-2014, 07:57 AM   #1321
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Good luck with your DD today! Glad the weekend was a good one filled with family and lots of laughs.
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Old 05-12-2014, 10:11 AM   #1322
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I'm so glad it was a great Mother's Day! You deserved that fun and relaxation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blonde with a Rose View Post
Shooting for a down day today. 1) I have enough calories in me to fuel a semi 2) I need to feel 'light' . 3) I need to know if I can do this w/ HDE.

My plan is to eat some veggies when I get hungry. The rationale being...if I'm hungry the veggies will be yummy. If I don't want to eat the veggies then...I'm not hungry!
I'm so with you on the DD today! Also with having enough to fuel a semi sounds about right. I'm looking forward to that empty, light feeling with you!
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Old 05-13-2014, 06:03 AM   #1323
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Your Mother's day weekend sounds perfect! How fun for everyone!

How did your DD go???
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Old 05-13-2014, 09:32 AM   #1324
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Yes my weekend was lovely, yesterday however was a "starve and out and out binge" day. Guess I'm still not ready to put the breaks on. Not really sure what happened (unconscious eating). Working on feeding myself when I'm hungry and eating the best foods for nutrition today. I don't really feel disappointment in myself, more of a raised eyebrow with a "what was that"? look. Sort of like finding yourself at the bottom of a container and not realizing how you got there. SO today I'm focusing hard on my blessings. I'm not thinking about tomorrow or even the end of the day.

I do have one rhetorical question for myself that I cannot answer..."what is someone with all of your blessings doing...trying to kill yourself with food"?
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Old 05-13-2014, 10:08 AM   #1325
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blonde with a Rose View Post
Yes my weekend was lovely, yesterday however was a "starve and out and out binge" day. Guess I'm still not ready to put the breaks on. Not really sure what happened (unconscious eating). Working on feeding myself when I'm hungry and eating the best foods for nutrition today. I don't really feel disappointment in myself, more of a raised eyebrow with a "what was that"? look. Sort of like finding yourself at the bottom of a container and not realizing how you got there. SO today I'm focusing hard on my blessings. I'm not thinking about tomorrow or even the end of the day.

I do have one rhetorical question for myself that I cannot answer..."what is someone with all of your blessings doing...trying to kill yourself with food"?
Such a hard question for so many of us. I'm sorry the weekend was a bit tricky, but I'm glad there's no guilt or anger at yourself today. It seems like a smart question to be asking. This IE/HDE thing is such a self-exploration, it's really incredible to watch your journeys. So many important self-discoveries. I'm glad today is a better day!
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Old 05-13-2014, 11:08 AM   #1326
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Thank you DeeDee! Much appreciated. It's tricky all right. Trying to trust myself in my food choices is not an ingrained habit, it's the learned "Do not" habit that's hard to break. In looking at my Spinardi book, I see that yesterday's episode was the combination of the two things that we do when we binge:"Gasping for food" & "Eat because you ate" I was doing both. While this was happening I was thinking to myself...."Wow, that's a lot of food and you don't seem to feel full at all"...and "You're going back for more"? then..."Are you seriously going to eat something else"? and finally "WHAT ARE YOU DOING"? Then I said okay I'm done. I don't pretend to understand it. I was trying to do a 'fast day' that ended up being so much worse than I could have imagined. I'm truly not beating myself up, I guess I'm trying to 'get it' and I don't. I can't even tell you what I learned from this journey into 'full on' gluttony...except maybe it wasn't good for my body (or my head)...and maybe I shouldn't try to 'fast' right now.

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Old 05-13-2014, 01:33 PM   #1327
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Did you eat what you REALLY wanted or just what you thought you should have?

Maybe you were constantly looking for something else.

I still think adding some fasting in for health benefits is worth trying. At least that is what I am trying along with IE.


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Old 05-14-2014, 05:14 AM   #1328
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Seabreezes I totally agree! Fasting is an ideal way, relatively painless way to push through to healthier and that is my goal, if I can get myself together. I did eat what I wanted, actually several things I wanted...but I way ate too much. I knew I was emotionally pigging out and I continued anyway. Yesterday was better.

I finished up the last few Cigs yesterday and put on a Nicotine patch. Had a really hard time going to sleep and staying asleep, weird dreams...one very vivid one where I lost my purse at a swap meet...all my cards were in my purse, all my money, my phone...everything. I searched and searched and people kept bringing me purses and saying "I found it", but they were none of them mine. Quite a relief when I woke up.

Anyone care to interpret that one?
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Old 05-14-2014, 05:17 AM   #1329
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blonde with a Rose View Post
Shooting for a down day today. 1) I have enough calories in me to fuel a semi 2) I need to feel 'light' . 3) I need to know if I can do this w/ HDE.

My plan is to eat some veggies when I get hungry. The rationale being...if I'm hungry the veggies will be yummy. If I don't want to eat the veggies then...I'm not hungry!
Blonde, I'm so sorry. I missed this thread while I was away and had no idea about your shift toward Juddd. I saw your post on CCs thread and was flummoxed.
I hope it goes beautifully for you.
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Old 05-14-2014, 05:43 AM   #1330
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Blonde, I'm so sorry. I missed this thread while I was away and had no idea about your shift toward Juddd. I saw your post on CCs thread and was flummoxed.
I hope it goes beautifully for you.
Oh Sweetie thank you, but no I'm not going to JUDDD at this time. It floored me as you can see by my journal post. I am working on just letting go, and that is so hard to do as you know. I was trying to trick myself into 'dieting' while not dieting and myself found out what I was up to... I loved your response to me on "the taming" thread and replied.

Thank you for your thoughts and input, I always appreciate what you have to say!! No need to say sorry (unless you're mean, and you're not).
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Old 05-14-2014, 05:55 AM   #1331
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Blonde, it is SO HARD to avoid dieting while not dieting, isn't it?????
It's like there's this clever, malicious sub-brain running diet think on automatic after decades of training. And along with that I start to believe that my suffering and constant juggling of thoughts is necessary.
I do trust that our original instincts can be trusted. I trust my instincts will take best care of my health, will return me to best possible weight, and will balance my choices.
I love the simplicity of this. That's the tough part for me - losing the thought baggage and trusting simplicity.
On we go. You're the best.
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Old 05-14-2014, 06:00 AM   #1332
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Quote:
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Blonde, it is SO HARD to avoid dieting while not dieting, isn't it?????
It's like there's this clever, malicious sub-brain running diet think on automatic after decades of training. And along with that I start to believe that my suffering and constant juggling of thoughts is necessary.
I do trust that our original instincts can be trusted. I trust my instincts will take best care of my health, will return me to best possible weight, and will balance my choices.
I love the simplicity of this. That's the tough part for me - losing the thought baggage and trusting simplicity.
On we go. You're the best.
Yes! I couldn't have said it better....malicious sub-brain running diet think..... it is evil and must be destroyed!

I'm struggling to trust my instincts but working on it daily. Onward and upward.
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Old 05-14-2014, 06:31 AM   #1333
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Trust your instincts girl. Remember how well they have served you in others ways in your life!
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Old 05-14-2014, 06:41 AM   #1334
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Trust your instincts girl. Remember how well they have served you in others ways in your life!
I never thought of it that way Monica, and I do have GOOD instincts that have serve me well! Thank you!!
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Old 05-14-2014, 07:20 AM   #1335
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Breakfast time. mentally going over my inventory in my fridge I decided on fresh strawberries topped with cottage cheese. Fruit has been forbidden to me after so many low carb years. I can have any fruit I want and I still love berries the best. It looked so pretty in my Blue Willow bowl and tasted wonderful. Cool and delicious. Gonna be another 100 scorcher today so starting out fresh and cool.

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Old 05-14-2014, 07:33 AM   #1336
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I know it's so hard to trust ourselves. All the dieting for so many years has taught us that we cannot be trusted with our own bodies...cause, well, we didn't do such a bang-up job in the first place, did we? If only we knew then,, right??????? Monica's right, trust your instincts, they're almost always spot on. I am having to practice this every moment of every day, it's HARD! WE can do it, girl! Just gotta jump and KNOW that everything will be OK.

Last night was our first night with the a/c running all night Necessary evil, but for 1 thing, I end up FREEZING because the air upstairs blows incredibly hard, go figure... and 2. our electric bill is now on it's way UP

Work today?
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Old 05-14-2014, 07:40 AM   #1337
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Dani thank you, you're so right. I dieted myself up to the highest weight ever...when I started I was skinny. Dang it. Why? It does take practice and I'm not used to practicing 'don't diet'. No rules, no regs...what? How? I know I want this, I know it's the best thing to do. I guess I'm going to have to get a 'hard copy' of Josie's book so I can keep it close and in my hot little hands when needed...along with a highlighter! I'm jumping with you!

We are lucky here, it still gets pretty cold at night so we open up and pull the air through the house with a big fan...close up in the morning and as long as the air is dry (like now) the house stays nice.

You are so worth a big electric bill!!! Just get out your flannels.
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Old 05-14-2014, 07:53 AM   #1338
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I dieted myself up to the highest weight ever...when I started I was skinny.
Wow. This is ridiculous. I think we have ALL done this and it breaks my heart. Why do we become so fixated on food? We don't (usually) get that fixated on any other part of our lives.

Good luck quitting the cigs - you can do it!
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Old 05-14-2014, 08:07 AM   #1339
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Wow. This is ridiculous. I think we have ALL done this and it breaks my heart. Why do we become so fixated on food? We don't (usually) get that fixated on any other part of our lives.

Good luck quitting the cigs - you can do it!
It is heartbreaking. I blame TV and magazines growing up...all the articles and pictures of perfection...how to slim your thunder thighs..get that flat tummy, slim your hips...wear a size two, be perfect perfect perfect...and so we become the anti-perfect....

So far so good on the cigs.
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Old 05-14-2014, 08:21 AM   #1340
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Dani thank you, you're so right. I dieted myself up to the highest weight ever...when I started I was skinny. Dang it. Why? It does take practice and I'm not used to practicing 'don't diet'. No rules, no regs...what? How? I know I want this, I know it's the best thing to do. I guess I'm going to have to get a 'hard copy' of Josie's book so I can keep it close and in my hot little hands when needed...along with a highlighter! I'm jumping with you!

We are lucky here, it still gets pretty cold at night so we open up and pull the air through the house with a big fan...close up in the morning and as long as the air is dry (like now) the house stays nice.

You are so worth a big electric bill!!! Just get out your flannels.
I have a girlfriend who weighed 130 lbs at 5'7" at the start of her first diet in her 20's... she's now 41 & overweight for sure, and has been for years.. the struggle is real. I can't say that I was ever a true "normal" weight growing up???? My body image had been through the ringer for years prior to high school and I haven't a clue. I can only guess by looking at pictures that I was maaaaayyyyybe 10-20 lbs bigger at any given time through childhood... For the life of me, I cannot remember what I weighed when I was about 21 and I went on a hardcore diet on my own(without my mother pestering me), but I can't. It's blank. I can SEE myself back then, but a number totally eludes me. What I know now though, I don't think I was fat by any stretch at all... In fact, now that I think about it, my boss asked me WTH I was doing when he found out what I was doing. Maybe that shoulda been a huge clue for me, I spent ALOT of time at work and those people were my family...they didn't think I needed to diet at all, but I was insistent. CRAZY!
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Old 05-15-2014, 08:22 AM   #1341
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I don't even want to tell you what my instincts are saying right now......

I have nothing to blame it on but life in general. I had another binge day yesterday, this is so weird...I'm not a binge-er. I am three days off cigarettes and that is a good thing but it may be the cause of my binge-ing, the lack of a cut-off point....I miss the feeling I get from them but not the cost, the smell, the inconvenience of being a smoker, the smoke itself. My DD came over everyday for a bit and I didn't even ASK for a cigarette, but I wanted to ask. I wanted to drive to 7-11 and buy some, I wanted to smoke even though I'm wearing a nicotine patch...because so much of it is mental...maybe even more than the physical aspect of nicotine addiction. While skilled in the art of multi-tasking, I can only do one thing at a time when it comes to life-altering changes. I have to concentrate on being a non-smoker for now, that's all I can handle at the moment. It's important to get through this and move on. Without binge-ing everyday...good grief.

I knew when I picked up that first cigarette it would end this way. I had tricked myself into thinking I could 'handle it', it was just for awhile, a coping mechanism...until the trauma of my SIL's death was less...painful, or at least less present. 2 months later, here I am, quitting again and not in a pleasant 'no big deal' way' because I still NEED to smoke. Mentally and emotionally I'm not ready to stop...but physically I am playing with dynamite. Do I want to stop smoking because I made a gasping wheezing trip to the ER in the middle of the night? NO. Do I want IV's and nebulizers and prednisone? NO. I have to want my physical health more than my emotional well-being and I do. So I suffer again, quit again, have remorse again...and in about 6 weeks or so I will stop wanting to smoke (mentally)...or at least I will feel more normal. Whatever the heck that is.....
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Old 05-15-2014, 08:41 AM   #1342
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Be kind to yourself

One small promise at a time. If it's just to focus every single day on the smoking, then that's what it is. Then move on to something else when you've mastered it. I know it sounds so primary, but honestly, it's necessary for so many of us. This is the kind of stuff I practice every day, and have been since last September. It's not a race mama, you will get it all figured out when YOU are ready.
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Old 05-15-2014, 08:56 AM   #1343
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Thank you Dani~ I mean it.
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Old 05-15-2014, 09:49 AM   #1344
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Blonde, I am so glad to hear you say you're going to focus on quitting smoking first and only. It's a VERY hard thing, and needs all your attention and energy. Diet/non-dieting will come later.

I always think one of the reasons so many of us fail at weight loss is that we dive into severe restriction and severe exercising all at one time. Then we wonder why we can't keep it all up. Well...duh! Too much going on.

You can do this, sweet Blonde! We're here when you need to vent, cry, laugh, celebrate!
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Old 05-15-2014, 10:45 AM   #1345
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Thank you Carol. You're right, it was just too much to do all at once. Smoking is a big problem and I got to get it gone. Too bad eating wasn't so 'cut and dried'. I'm really glad you started a journal. You're so supportive and I want to be able to support you as well.
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Old 05-15-2014, 10:54 AM   #1346
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Heading out to lunch with my bestie. DH is home because his work (Cal State San Marcos) is closed and evacuated due t the San Marcos fires. He's catching up on much needed sleep
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Old 05-15-2014, 10:56 AM   #1347
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Sending you a hug!
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Old 05-15-2014, 11:19 AM   #1348
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Be kind to yourself One small promise at a time. If it's just to focus every single day on the smoking, then that's what it is. Then move on to something else when you've mastered it. I know it sounds so primary, but honestly, it's necessary for so many of us. This is the kind of stuff I practice every day, and have been since last September. It's not a race mama, you will get it all figured out when YOU are ready.
well said!!!
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Old 05-15-2014, 11:20 AM   #1349
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Old 05-15-2014, 03:12 PM   #1350
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Hope you had a great lunch out. Those fires sound scary! Do they really think they were all set on purpose?
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