My Thoughts, My Diary, My Demons...
Iíve been down this road so many times, and each time I say ďthis is itĒ this will be my new WOL and right when I begin to see positive results, I give in to temptation. I usually tell myself itís just for that day, but the cheats always trickle into the next day, and so onÖ
I look in the mirror now and hate what I see. I donít think Iíve ever hated looking at myself until now. At 57 yrs Iím disgusted with myself. I hate that Iím a weakling. I hate that Iíve yo yo with my weight for half my life. Iím tired of fighting this demon, for once I just want to be happy with ďmeĒ. I want to be happy with how I look and with how I feel. This isnít about pleasing friends or family, itís about me making me happy.
Several years ago I was quite successful with Atkins, but then I became over confident about including carbs into my body and I lost. Iíve been trying LCing off and on occasionally but after a week or two I would give up. With a new year coming I decided to give it a jump start. Today is the first day of my new journey, my new life, my new WOE. Iím 187 lbs but my goal is to drop to 150 or a size 10. I was so disgusted one year with my weight gain I threw my scale away, so until I buy another one Iím going to have to go by how my clothes fit.
Right now I have a small headache, but thatís expected due to carb withdrawal. I won my battle today; letís hope I can take a stronger stance tomorrow. :annoyed:
B Ė crystal lite pink lemonade; 2 mini crustless quiches (cheddar cheese & pork); essence of peppermint w/2 splenda
L Ė 2 ľ lb hamburger w/ ranch dressing
D Ė 2 fried snappers (w/o batter); essence of peppermint w/2 splenda
S Ė fried cheese crisps (cheddar & pepper jack); 2 slices bacon
I went for my doctor's visit this morning and I'm told there's still some fluid building up. He suggested I restrict my arm movement for the remaining of the week. Hmmm, not sure if that means I shouldn't come on the computer or not but I guess I better play it safe. I'll be laying around for the next few days with hopes of getting better, I'm suppose to report to work Wednesday next week. My next doc appointment is on Wednesday.
My head still throbbing this morning so I took 2 Aleve's, the worst part about LCing is the withdrawal headaches. Usually they last for 2 days and then everything is easy peasy for a week or 2.
Before my surgery I had to come off of tea, coffee, herbal drinks, chocolate, colas & coco. I suffered headaches for about 2-3 days. I was happy that I no longer consumed that stuff, but I find myself slowly craving tea, coffee or a good ole coca cola zero! Wonder if I can get some water down??? A soda sounds much more refreshing.
I'm hungry but I have to wait for my son to get here to get me something to eat. I'm not sure how this restricted arm movement thing is going to work because I hate having to depend on people to do things for me. Anyways I guess I was on here long enough...until tomorrow...gotta go & rest. :sad:
B - 2 mini crustless quiches (pork & cheese); 4 strips bacon; essence of peppermint (2 splenda); crystal lite lemonade
S - slim jim
Not sure about lunch or dinner yet. Maybe for lunch I'll warm up the 2 hamburgers I have in the fridge :dunno: I would definitely like some fried chicken wings for dinner. :)
Hate that I can't move much
I finished yesterday on a good note. I ate the remaining hamburgers for lunch and my DS got me wings & salad for dinner. I was so tempted to keep the tomatoes on the salad but decided against it right before eating, so it was just iceberg lettuce with ranch dressing.
I can't move around much, post surgery, I have to depend on my DS to do certain things for me, that sucks:sad:
I tried sitting at my desk using laptop but it was noticeable that some blood was seeping through, probably too much arm movement. I'm using my iPad in bed right now so we 'll see if that works out. I'm not a fan of tablets or iPad I prefer the good ole fashion keyboard...
Funny it's only morning and I'm already thinking about what I can have for dinner, I think that's because I can't do any real cooking right now. Maybe Wendy hamburger (unless) and side salad??? I really wish I could get and cook something. I hate asking others to do stuff for me.
Just realized my headaches have subsided:) so feeling much better about LCing this morning.
3rd Day Going Strong
I don't know about most, but sometimes I have to read about others success in order for me to stay motivated. So, I surfed the web and did some reading up on Atkins, although I've done this woe before I never followed it to the T. This go round I want to do it right!
I did some reading up on Atkins.com it was pretty educational but their basis is on the NANY version where induction is 20 carbs. Way to many carbs for me to start with!
I browsed where certain celebrities used lc as a method to lose or stay slim. My favorites Osbourne, Beyonce, Rihanna & Courtney to name a few. I'm not sure if they used Atkins (Osbourne exception) it was encouraging knowing I was on the right track. Another thing I learned is that on a low carb it's a known fact that you lose faster than on low fat...interesting.
Like I said earlier, I was so frustrated from gaining weight one year I threw my scale away, so I'm going to have to base my loss on how my clothes fit. I also took my measurements to go by. I need to lose 37 lbs or get into a size 10.
About 4-5 yrs ago I had gotten down to 164 and was comfortable in a size 12, that's why I'm thinking at 150 I will be able to wear size 10. Also right now my bra size is 38ddd, I would love to get that down to a 34d.
At my age my metabolism is slow so to be realistic I'm hoping to lose at least 20 lbs by the end of April, that's 5lbs a month which I feel is realistic (i should be 167 at that time, or sporting a size 12). Presently I'm size 14 almost headed to a 16! I should reach my loss of 37lbs by December 2013. I'm stretching it for a year because I don't want to get discourage if I don't see immediate results, I don't want to give up, plus I want to make sure I at least give it a year! I think that's fair. I've read where so many people gave up after 1-3 months because they didn't see a weekly loss. I think for anything to work you at least should give it 6 - 12 months after all I do want this to be my new woe for life!
Because of my surgery I probably won't be able to do any exercises until February which means my weight loss is going to be slow starting off. :cry: I had started boxing in October but was only able to do it for 1 month, I would love to get back into it once my back heals properly.
B- 2 mini crust less quiche (pork n cheddar cheese); 4 strips bacon; essence of peppermint tea w/1 Splenda; crystal lite lemonade.
L- 2 slices ham, fried; fried cheese crisp; 4 devolved eggs
D- BLT Wendy salad w/ranch dressing no tomatoes; water or crystal lite to drink, just not sure yet.
Snack - either slimjim, deviled eggs or bacon
Sugar Monkey on my Back...
On Christmas Eve, right after my follow up doc visit, I went to the store and among other things I picked up 2 packs of cookies. One pack was Jammie's (plain cookies with jam between them) and the other pack was coconut cookies ( large pack). I had been mobile for almost week and had been watching Christmas movies, so the only thing on my mind was sugar cookies. I bought them on the 24th and by the 26th I had already finished off the coconut cookies.
On Christmas a DF had brought me a large slice of carrot cake & fruit cake. The same day I finished off the coconut cookies I finished off the carrot cake, it was right after breakfast. The sad thing was that the carrot cake was too sweet and I didn't particularly like it because the icing wasn't cream cheese icing, but I still sat there and ate it all. I couldn't stop. I kept telling myself I didn't like the cake, shoot it didn't even have nuts in it. After eating the carrot cake I felt like I was having a sugar rush, but considered tasting the fruit cake to see if it was better than the carrot cake! Does that sound like logical thinking???
Let me go back, prior to that I was put on a lowcarb diet by my surgeon it wasn't atkins but I had to restrict myself from a lot of carbs 10 days before surgery and 10 days after surgery. My surgery was performed on the 18th I didn't even make it to the 10 day period.
Needless to say, after eating those cookies & cake I felt like crap! The sad thing was that later that evening I opened the other pack of cookies and began eating them. The only thing that stopped me from eating the whole pack was that I didn't like them and I had become disgusted with myself. :cry: what makes matters worse I sat there and pondered if I should attempt to eat some of the fruit cake since I hadn't touched it yet. That is so pathetic. :dunno: that's when I knew I had to do something, I was actually losing control. It was as if sugar had taken control of my life, honestly I have never been in that state before. Sugar had become this demon and although I wasn't craving sugar I wanted it because it was there.
I knew I had to do something but I said I would wait for the new year, but then I thought why wait. So, on the 27th I started my new woe, today is the 4th day of my new woe and I've been pondering if I should preserve the remaining cookies and fruit cake I haven't eaten just in case I slip...
Can you believe that? This is the crap that got me into this state and I'm wondering if I should hold onto it??? Is there something wrong with this pic? I'm no better than that druggie on the street or that closet alcoholic. They should have a carb-aholic center established for people like me! I'm so disgusted with myself.
Okay I just got off my butt and got rid of the cookies & cake. Decided it was time for me to dump that monkey on my back. If I slip it won't be today the cake & cookies are gone! :)
I woke up around 10:30 last night and had a crazy craving for a hard candy, you know something like a lollipop or something, don't know why that happened. I have a ton of mints in the house i could have eaten but i was sp disiriented i didnt remember (thank God). After a crazy moment I felt hungry so I winded up eating a slimjim and some lemonade crystal lite. Really weird.
Just finished putting my breakfast together. It's so much easier for me to do the mini crust less quiches. So I took some curry chicken that I had left over from the holidays added it to my egg & a little milk. I poured into silicone cupcake pan topped with pepper jack cheese and stuck in micro for about 5 minutes. I used approc 2oz of cheese and 7 med eggs & approx 3 tbs evap milk. Not sure about carb count but sure it can't be high plus this makes for 3 - 6 servings depending if you eat 1 - 2 for breakfast. I always eat 2. I love these because that means the next two days I don't have to worry about breakfast. I always eat with bacon because I luv bacon.
I've been trying to come up with a way to keep me motivated on my journey. Lets face it once I return to work I know things are going to be difficult especially when everyone decides to bring their left over goodies to the office to share. Anyways I came across a site 21ways to reward yourself. 21 Ways to Reward Yourself Without Food
What I decided I'll do is set aside $1 each day I stay on course, and at the end of each month I can elect to spend the money as I choose! The only catch is that I must spend the money on "me" only because its a gift to me! Also it should be for something I rarely do for myself, after all this is my way of pampering "me" for doing a good job! The money should not be for food (definitely don't want to slip on the day im rewarding myself for being good!). okay here's another thing. I will add an additional .50 for each day I remember to write in my journal. it doesnt matter if i post once a day or 5 times a day, i will reward my self .50. I think by remembering to post in my journal I'll stay focus regardless if I slip. Staying on this site will help me stay on course!
Okay, if im good each day and if i remember to write in my journal each day that's $1.50 for that day. if im good but forget to post thats $1 for that day. If I'm not good but remember to post that's .50 for that day.
Here are some things I rarely spend on me that I will probably use money for:
. manicure/pedicure (always do my own)
. Buying clothes (hate my size so I don't buy too often)
. Shoes (although I can use more coloruful shoes I always deprive myself)
. Makeover (would luv to have a new makeover once I've lost significant weight)
. Wig (I'm lazy when it comes to hair, if I get a makeover gotta get a wig)
. Stuff for iPad, ie Apps, iBooks, music videos, etc
. Accessories - Earrings, necklaces
Well now I'm running around crazy looking for a little container to drop money in. I stuck with it for 3 days which means I have $3 saved so far. Of course, this wll have to be carried over into January, and if I do well for the entire month of January I should have $36 to splurge! Okay I'm getting excited. I can use some accessories for my wardrobe along with a new pair of colorful shoes.
Here are my calculations for this afternoon.
I started lc on the 27th, today is the 30th but the day isn't completed so I will reward myself with $3 for doing well. Also, I've managed to post each day since joining, that's an additional .50 per day ($2). My reward kitty is holding $5!
Each month my coworkers will see a new me blooming, because each month I will look forward to treating me for a job well done! Y'all might think I'm silly but I'm so motivated right now!
Bed bound again
Quick post, gotta stay bleeding started again. Gotta give my arms a break for day or two, won't be able to post for a while. Good news I'm still on plan!
Quick post. Still hanging strong, still restricted from a lot of arm movement. I should be able to give detail post by tomorrow.
Every thing is much better today and I was able to back to work. Still hanging on strong but I've been having those cravings...chocolate, sweets and nuts. Especially nuts! I have a pantry full of almonds, walnuts, pecans and pistachios. Cant wait until I reach the nut stage. I've been LCing for 8 days now and from what I know, based on Atkins 72 induction should be for 1week. Unfortunately I'm not sure what I'm suppose to eat after, so until I get my book on Saturday I'll stick with induction.
I'm noticing I'm beginning to lose my appetite, can't figure out what to eat be amuse nothing sounds appetizing. Yesterday I had
B - turkey&cheese roll ups with mustard & mayo
L - chopped up chicken curry & chopped up ribs (leftover for Christmas)
D - 4 bacon & fried cheese crisps
I just don't have that much of an appetite.
The last time I officially weighed myself was when I was preparing for surgery, the scale showed 187 lbs! That was Dec18. Prior to that during one of my doctors visit I weighed 184 lbs. you can imagine my shock because I had been reducing my carb intake 10 days prior to surgery per the doctors request. I just couldn't figure out how I gained 3 lbs. but then I remembered my doctor visit was I November afterwards I spent thanksgiving with my DB and I did feast. I probably put on a couple of lbs during that time without knowing it. That's scary because that might imply I pick up weight easily. So I have to wonder after surgery right before I committed to this WOE I probably packed on pounds and it can be that I was above 187 when I started Atkins. I'm thinking I should pick up a scale so I can properly monitor my weight. I won't be surprise if I'm above 187 because I packed down useless carbs over the holiday.
There is nothing in my fridge to pack for breakfast or lunch. I decided to put together some turkey & cheese rollup; slim jim, & bacon & cheese crisp left over from last night. So far I've eaten
- bacon; cheese crisps (3); slim jim
If I can't make it out for lunch I munch on the turkey & cheese rollups - only had 1 slice of cheese so 2 turkey roll ups have 1/2 slice of cheese, the other is just plain turkey. I know I have to make sure i'm eating enough fat to keep me full. I'll keep my fingers crossed hoping I don't get too hungry.
Two days after I started this WOE I decided, since I don't have a scale I should take my measurements to mark my progress, mind you it was a little difficult because I had restricted use of one of my arms, but I cried when I looked at my measurements.
Chest - 49 (there's lots & lots of fat on my back):(
Bra - 38DDD (there's some bulge which means it's too small) :sad:
Waist - 40
Lower Hip - 49 1/2
Upper Hip - 47
Left Thigh - 29 1/2
Right Thigh - 29 1/4
Wrist - 6 1/4
At 5'1" I'm ashamed of myself. :cry:
My Reward for staying with WOL
I'll be bumping this frequently as a reminder to myself.
I came across a site 21ways to reward yourself without food. 21 Ways to Reward Yourself Without Food and decided to use it.
Each day I stick with LC & no cheats I will reward myself with a $1. Each day I remember to post I reward myself with .50. At the end of the month I can use the money for things I rarely spend on myself.
. manicure/pedicure (always do my own)
. Buying clothes (hate my size so I don't buy too often)
. Makeover (especially after I lose significant weight)
. Wig (I'm lazy when it comes to hair, if I get a makeover gotta get a wig):lol:
. Stuff for iPad, ie Apps, iBooks, music videos, etc
. Accessories for my clothes - Earrings, necklaces, scarves, etc.
. Bathing suit - since I've gained so much weight I stopped going to the beach, buying a new bathing suit for the beach would be my ultimate reward to myself!
If I'm good each day and if I remember to write in my journal each day that's $1.50 for that day. If I'm good but forget to post that's $1 for that day. If I'm not good but remember to post that's .50 for that day.
There is a catch...
The money should not be for food (definitely don't want to slip on the day I'm rewarding myself for being good!); and I can't use it for the house (I always buy for the house which is why I don't spend money on myself!)
I can't wait to go to the grocery store tomorrow, there's no food n the fridge, I don't have lunch and I'm hungry. I called DS and he agreed to pick up some lunch and drop at office for me. I'm thinking I will be stocking up on lots and lots of meat, I have some sandwich meat in fridge, but my preference is the "real" thing. :) Good news, I should have my book by tomorrow, can't wait, cause all I've been eating is lettuce, not sure what other vegetables I should be eating and I really don't want to mess up. Gotta stick with goal - 5lb lost by end of Jan.
Had a busy day at work today and once or twice hunger pains crept in. Drunk plenty of water, more than usual, 50 +/- oz. There was no food in my fridge so I had to scrap for food today.
B- slim jim, bacon, fried cheese crisp
L - fried chicken (no batter), lettuce w/ranch
D - Wendy's baconnater (bunless) topped with mayo, mustard & hot sauce
FAST 5 DIET
I've been reading a lot about the fast 5 diet and I'm seriously contemplating incorporating it with my LC WOL. It's all about eating inside a 5 hour window (per 24 hrs) and fasting for the rest of the day. My eating window will probably be from 3pm - 8pm. I'm going to do more reading on it and if I do start it will be end of January or Feb. First I want to see how well DADR is coming along and then we'll see what happens from there.
MEASUREMENTS - 9 MONTH COMPARISON
I was browsing through some notes I made last year when I was doing LC (didn't stick with Atkins version). One thing that sparked my attention was my measurements. Let's see the comparisons
...............................March 2012........................Dec 2012
Chest.........................45 3/4............................... 49
Bra ............................36DDD ............................. 38DDD
Waist..........................35 .................................. 40
Lower Hip ....................46 ................................ 49 1/2
Left Thigh .....................n/a................................29 1/2
Right Thigh ....................n/a ...............................29 1/4
Wrist ............................n/a.................................6 1/4
Shoe Size........................ 6 1/2 .......................... 6 1/2
Dress Size....................... 14P..............................14W
This is when you sit back and ask yourself "What happened"? Is it really possible for me to gain all those inches in a matter of months? How did I do it?
This is why I can't afford a short term fix, I need a long term fix, something that will last. Okay, I not depressed, disappointed in myself, but not depressed. Thankfully today, right now, I'm on the right track. My battle will only end when I stop trying!
Happy Day Today!
:jumpjoy::yahoo::yahoo: picking up my DADR book today, can't wait.
Oops, made a little slip
Had a pretty good day today, it was nice to be able to get back out and explore the stores.
My DADR arrived so picked it up this afternoon, gosh I have lots n lots of reading to do. Also picked up a scale, I placed it in my guest bathroom so I won't be tempted to step on it every 5 seconds :). I've decided I'll weigh myself every Saturday morning, definitely hope I don't get frustrated an throw this scale away.
Oh well I kinda slipped today on my food intake, I ordered boiled cabbage, but they had carrots mixed in with the cabbage. I try to removed most of the carrots but because the carrots was grated I wasn't able to get all of it out. I'm sure I ate at least 2TBS of grated carrots. I also had coleslaw that was made with coconut milk & maybe 1/2 tsp carrots.
L - Burger King whopper, bunless & no ketchup
D - curry chicken wings, boiled cabbage w/grated carrots, coleslaw
Coca cola zero
No reward for me today
Since I slipped an ate carrots I won't reward my self with $1. :sad: I think I've rewarded myself with $12 or $13 so far. :). I'm leaning towards shoes or accessories for my reward. Can't wait until the end of the month when I can go shopping.:clap:
I've been doing lots of reading on the Fast 5 diet and I'm going to give it s shot. I guess you can say I started yesterday because I missed out on breakfast. I'm going to combine Fast 5 with Atkins and see what happens. I'm undecided about my window for eating. Yesterday I ate around 2pm n stopped around 6pm which was only a 4hr window. Because I'm new at this maybe I'll give myself a longer window 2pm - 8pm, this is just so I can adapt, once I feel comfortable I'll close the window to 5 hours.
Today is Sunday and I rarely eat breakfast on Sundays so I'm hoping it won't be too bad to maintain today, although I'm kinda hungry right now. I'm put together a list of no cal drinks to make sure I don't slip and I'll also see if I can put together a broth.
Day2 Fast 5 going okay
Today was my second day with fast 5 & LC. Yesterday my window was 2-7, but I actually stopped eating at 6pm. I figured until I can adjust ( hopefully by next week) I'll give my self a 6 hr window 2pm -8pm.
This morning I woke up feeling pretty good, generally on Sundays I don't eat breakfast and eat dinner around 1pm. I had a cup of peppermint tea sweetened with 1 Splenda and was satisfied for awhile. Around 8am I started feeling hungry and drunk a glass of crystal lite lemonade. By 11am I started feeling hungry again so I made some ice tea. I think I kept getting hungry because I was cooking, normally I would taste as I go but this time I couldn't.
I have to note I wasn't suffering from severe hunger pains where I would normally get a headache though, it was just a rumbling reminder that I hadn't eaten.
Because I was busy I didn't get to eat until 3pm although hungry I wasn't able to eat all of my food which was simply steak & broccoli. All n all I feel pretty good.
You are doing great ! Keep those $$'s piling up !
Preparing for fast 5
I realize I have to better prepare myself for the fast 5. When low carbing we're naturally programmed to reach for a LC snack when we're hungry, which is what I almost did on several occasions. Going forward I think it best to have plenty of sugar free drinks available, ie crystal lite, ice tea, peppermint tea, bone broth. The next time I go to the grocery store I'll check into bouillon cubes, and chicken broth. It's just a matter of having something at hand when I get hungry. I like most it's difficult for me to drink water on an empty stomach, it makes me nausea. I'm also going to look for other flavored teas to drink. I don't want to get stuck on caffeine teas.
Fast5 - what was on my plate?
This is day 2 for me. My window is 2pm - 8pm, but I didn't get to eat until 3pm. I only managed to eat 1/2 of my steak :sad:
L - steak w/onions, broccoli w/cheese
D -celery w/egg salad (not sure yet)
S - LC ice cream 1/2cup homemade (heavy whipping cream, 2 Splenda, 1tsp vanilla) :yummy:
drinks (no sugar) - ice tea, essence of peppermint tea, coca cola zero, crystal lite lemonade.
It's 5:45pm which leaves me with little over 2hrs before my window close and I'm still full, I'm hoping I can get that egg salad down my throat, or I might have to change my window (3pm -9pm).
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