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Old 05-10-2014, 07:40 PM   #661
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....The first few days are the most difficult. Yesterday it was ok to have a doughnut, because you could just quit tomorrow. And in the words of that insipid musical, tomorrow is always just a day away. And suddenly what was tomorrow becomes today, and tomorrow still looks like the better day to get serious. Tomorrow is a lie. I've seen 13,656 days. In all that time, I've never woken up to tomorrow. Without fail, each one of those days was today right up to the moment they became yesterday. Tomorrow is the slippery slope that leads to never.
Truer words were never spoken....

Glad all is well with you. Take care of yourself.
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Old 05-12-2014, 05:56 AM   #662
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After a few weeks it's a lot easier, because you have something to lose. You build up a kind of momentum of resolve. But for the first few weeks, you're living on raw stubborn willpower. So when you need strength the most, is when you will have it the least.
uggghhhhh. Struggling here too. I get it. Thanks for thinking out loud.
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Old 05-13-2014, 05:58 AM   #663
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264.

I'm tired of retreading old numbers. At the rate I'm going, I've got another month of penitence before I find myself within sniffing distance of where I was.

That's ok.

Failure is part of the process of success. Hit myself over the head with it enough times, and eventually I'll learn not to seek it out.
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Old 05-14-2014, 06:41 AM   #664
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Another day, another dozen eggs. I'm glad I like eggs. Gladder still that I prefer my own eggs to eggs from a restaurant. I suspect it has to do with the fact that I use butter as opposed to aerosol foodservice grill lubricant. There is also a seasoning blend that I prepare that I use on just about everything. Ancho, chipotle, smoked paprika, cayenne, garlic, and white pepper. Plus I've gotten pretty good at cooking my eggs over medium-well. Where the yolks have mostly solidified, but are still translucent - almost like a gel. Somehow, I'm better at cooking eggs than people who cook for a living - which I guess is par for the course when you're cooking 5 dozen of the things every two weeks for over a year. Plus I have the advantage of immediate feedback - because I'm the person who has to eat them.

Weather has been nice the last few days.

I feel like I'm supposed to have something at least bordering on profound to say here, but I don't. Much of the time that I don't post anything it's because I really don't have anything that interesting to say.

I don't know how long I've been back on the path - but must be at least 2-3 weeks now. I'm feeling solid. No more 99% on plan. Or 80% on plan. I'm on plan with a vengeance. More than 100%. It's not always easy, but sometimes 'easy' tricks you into letting your guard down. It's hard, but I will stick it out because I have to see some progress this year.

I feel like I am in the right mindset right now.

I'm not allowing myself to think about the things I cannot eat in a favorable way. If you romance the carbs in your head you'll eventually convince yourself that that's what you want. And that's how it starts. A few weeks fantasizing about a doughnut, or a pizza, or a bowl of fruit. At the end of the day, my metabolism doesn't care. Sugar is sugar is sugar, be it fructose, sucrose, dextrose, lactose - it all turns into glycogen. At a molecular level my body doesn't care if it's "natural" sugar, or added sugar. And starch is just a chain of of glucose units joined by glycosidic bonds. Doesn't matter if it's refined flour or whole grains. It's all just sugar, which mean it's all stored as glycogen. Glycogen makes me fat. Glycogen makes my insulin go crazy. Glycogen slows me down and gives me a host of health problems as my insulin resistance shoots through the roof. Glycogen makes me crave carbohydrate in all of its forms. Glycogen makes me hungry when I am full.

I have to accomplish something this year. I can't allow myself to end the year heavier than I began it. There's no more room for 'days off'. No more room for 'one won't hurt'. I need to be committed to living clean for the long haul. Because one day off starts a chain reaction that leaves months behind me with no forward progress - and standing still isn't good enough. Going backwards is worse still.

The rewards aren't immediate, but the penalty is. The weight comes back quickly, but the addiction springs back to full strength with ferocious celerity.

I have to choose:

Healthy eating and moving toward a healthy weight - or a downward spiral of doughnuts, accelerating obesity and self-loathing.

And that's why I'm writing even when I have nothing to say. I need to be completely in the game. 100% committed to achieving and maintaining my goals. I can no longer bear the alternative.
__________________
8/8/2012: 350
11/2/2013: 250.0
Rebound weight: 286
8/8/2014: 275 - time to recover lost ground

Shark Sandwich: One man's epic journey from fat to slightly less fat.
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Old 05-14-2014, 10:48 AM   #665
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Hey!! You don't have to have anything "profound" to say in order to post....post when you feel like it and say what you feel like saying...or not....it's all good. I will say that when several days/weeks go by without a check-in from you, there are those of us who wonder where you've gone and hope you're well! Glad you are back in the zone!

"Aerosol foodservice grill lubricant"....sounds so industrial!
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Old 05-14-2014, 11:57 AM   #666
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"Aerosol foodservice grill lubricant"....sounds so industrial!
Yeah - it tastes pretty industrial too.
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:21 PM   #667
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Another day, another dozen eggs. I'm glad I like eggs. Gladder still that I prefer my own eggs to eggs from a restaurant. I suspect it has to do with the fact that I use butter as opposed to aerosol foodservice grill lubricant. "Z"

My mother never believed me when I told her that butter was better and the reason for her health issues were carbohydrates. She used to spray that stuff on popcorn!!! Told her eat the real thing, or get rid of it!!
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Old 05-18-2014, 10:49 AM   #668
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More eggs. No progress. I was hoping I'd lose like... 15 pounds of quick water weight by now. That ain't happening.

It does happen, of course. And in hindsight it happens quickly.

Quickly just doesn't feel very quick when you're covering old ground a second time.
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Old 05-19-2014, 05:44 AM   #669
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Ain't that the damn truth? Nothing worse than walking the same roads again (and again and again). At least you realized you needed to grab a map. Good luck to you - time marches on, the losses will happen. Perseverance prevails.
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Old 06-06-2014, 01:15 PM   #670
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Hey Z! Where you at? Hope to hear (read) from you soon! Take care!
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Old 06-06-2014, 01:23 PM   #671
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Neck deep in trying to find a place, and move to it in two weeks. Thanks for checking in.
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Old 06-06-2014, 01:29 PM   #672
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Sending positive vibes for finding a place and getting moved in! Moving is such a chore....here's hoping it's as painless as possible!
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Old 06-06-2014, 02:02 PM   #673
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The day before mother's day, I found out that my mother whom I've not seen for the last 15 years has been diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer. And what does a mother with cancer get for mother's day? Turns out the answer is advanced metastasis. Doctors give her 6 months. It's bad enough that they've put her on the least aggressive chemotherapy regimen possible -- because the absolute best they can hope for is to tack a few months onto the end of that, so there's not much point making them any more miserable than necessary.

Of course, she's way up in Alaska, and all of my funds are locked into getting moved in the opposite direction. I'll be lucky if I can find a way to see her before she passes.

I still believe that my reasons for avoiding her are valid, but it's hard not to feel like a total jerk.
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Old 06-07-2014, 07:56 AM   #674
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The day before mother's day, I found out that my mother whom I've not seen for the last 15 years has been diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer. And what does a mother with cancer get for mother's day? Turns out the answer is advanced metastasis. Doctors give her 6 months. It's bad enough that they've put her on the least aggressive chemotherapy regimen possible -- because the absolute best they can hope for is to tack a few months onto the end of that, so there's not much point making them any more miserable than necessary.

Of course, she's way up in Alaska, and all of my funds are locked into getting moved in the opposite direction. I'll be lucky if I can find a way to see her before she passes.

I still believe that my reasons for avoiding her are valid, but it's hard not to feel like a total jerk.
I'm sorry about your mom, Z
My dad is dying now, and mine was a "difficult relationship".
Sorry you have that stress along with moving, and life in general.
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Old 06-07-2014, 08:23 AM   #675
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I still believe that my reasons for avoiding her are valid, but it's hard not to feel like a total jerk.
I'm sorry about your mom.

I was far from home when my mother passed (many years ago). Like you, I had my reasons for avoiding interacting with her. Try not to beat yourself up.
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Old 06-07-2014, 09:47 AM   #676
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On the upside, I'm going to try to put something positive in here, eventually. Too much melodrama, and it becomes a way of life. That's the reason I avoided my mother -- she is a master of living in a world where every action from every person is part of a sinister and convoluted plot. In her mind, life is a soap opera.

I don't want to be that. It's kind of funny, because it means I'm embarrassed to talk to people at work about it, because "my mom has cancer" is such a cliche.
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Old 06-17-2014, 02:13 PM   #677
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Hey Z.

I get your mummy issues, and the feeling like choosing to detach from the toxic relationship is good for your mental health, but makes you look like an armhole. Sometimes you just have to decide what will hurt you more.

Take care
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Old 06-19-2014, 06:30 AM   #678
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Found a house in Tucson. In preparation for returning to a normal life, and to help save money so I can finish the move (now that I have a place to put my stuff) I went and purchased my standard move in kit: griddle, frying pan, 2 spatulas, a plate, a fork, and 3 dozen eggs and some butter...

...Only to discover that the gas to the house needs to be turned back on.



It's a nice house. Made of bricks. Three bedrooms. Quiet landscaped neighborhood full of mid '60s archetecture.

Everything is still in flux, but it's coming together, one piece at a time.
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Old 06-19-2014, 08:50 AM   #679
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Z. . . solve that right now. Go get you an electric skillet!
Good luck!
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Old 06-19-2014, 09:06 AM   #680
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Hey there! Glad you found a place! Sounds very nice!
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Old 07-02-2014, 03:45 PM   #681
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Hey Z! 'Sup? Hope all is running in greased grooves and you're settled in and are enjoying your new place!
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Old 07-02-2014, 04:17 PM   #682
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I was running short for the second phase of my move (getting my stuff moved) - had me freaked out for a bit, but it looks like I'm going to be able to borrow enough against my 401k to make up the shortfall.

That out of the way, it's just a matter of finding time off of work to turn this house into my home.

Always great to hear from you.
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Old 07-03-2014, 11:55 AM   #683
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Yay! Glad things are falling into place! One thing at a time and before you know it you'll be kicking back and enjoying your new home!!!
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Old 07-05-2014, 12:15 AM   #684
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I know it's blasphemy to say so -- but I don't like cast iron pans.

Yes I did my research. Yes I know that you have to season it, and not use soap, and that it will get "better" in 6 months of use or so. But I want to be able to cook eggs now. I don't want to futz around with paper towels and salt, and endless oiling. I want to cook, wash the pan when I'm done eating, and be done with it.

I like teflon pans. The arguments I've heard against them usually boil back down to "dangerous chemical offgassing at high temperatures" which has been shown to occur at levels far below what would be required to impact your health, and "the surface flakes off into your food", which never happens to me, because I know how to follow directions and don't use metal implements in my nonstick pan.

I don't like that most people tend to not wash their cast iron at all leaving gobs of burnt crusty bits all over the food. I'm pretty sure an abundance of old food converted to carbon isn't exactly great for you either.

To be fair, modern cast iron is sand cast, rather than die cast (like the Wagner or Griswold pans your grandmother used). This produces a pitted surface which is uniquely unsuitable for cooking eggs. Perhaps these older pans are better -- I couldn't say. What I know for certain, is that the sand cast pan I'm working with doesn't cook well enough to justify the weight, the scorching hot handle, or the insane amount of scrubbing required to remove food from the mottled surface.

There's a new CEO at my work. As a consequence, They've instituted a slacks and polos dress code. It's nice to know they're tackling the important issues... Thanks to my recent and extended deprioritization of weight loss, I am now left with no pants that I can wear to work. Another month on plan, and I'll be back in the saddle so to speak, but this means I have to buy at least one $70 pair of slacks that will be falling off me like hobo pants within 2 months.

"Gee, Z - $70 sounds a bit steep for pants," you might be saying. And it is. but I'm back to being too fat to shop at Wal-Mart.

Let that phrase sink in for a moment. Too fat to shop at Wal-Mart. Evidently, that's a thing.

Considering their oft-maligned target demographic, I can't help but think that they're missing a huge opportunity by not offering a 'big and fat' section.

The order of the day? More eggs. More butter.

Less iron.
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Old 07-05-2014, 12:37 PM   #685
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There is a box of uneaten doughnuts on top of my cube. I didn't bring them. I don't really want them here.

But that's part of the tradition of working in the office. There will always be stuff that I don't eat being offered to me. Pushed on me, even. I find myself - my mind, not my hand - reflexively reaching for the doughnut. The intent attempts to take root within me, before I remind myself: I don't want that doughnut.

The only time you have ever eaten is 'now'. And so if this 'now' isn't important enough to stay away from foods that are deleterious to my health, the next 'now' won't be good enough either. Either every 'now' counts, or none of them do. You can try to start tomorrow, but by then it will be now.

No doughnuts for me. I don't eat them. I used to, but I decided that I'd rather not gain back all the weight I've lost.
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Old 07-05-2014, 12:41 PM   #686
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Good for you Z.....they are just balls of deep fried sugar and flour....zero nutritional value!
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Old 07-05-2014, 01:27 PM   #687
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Delicious lack of nutritional value, though ;^)
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Old 07-06-2014, 11:43 AM   #688
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Another day at work. Another minefield of doughnuts and chocolate and high carb lunch suggestions. Another sleepless night followed by the 10 minute rush to work, with no time to grab something to eat on my way out the door. Another 10 hour day with no food, and an endless sea of bad options testing my resolve.

My priorities are aligned with my goals today. Hunger is an acceptable condition. Being fat is not.
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Old 07-06-2014, 06:24 PM   #689
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Cook extra for dinner tonight and take the leftovers tommorrow
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Old 07-07-2014, 05:58 AM   #690
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Z. . you may not feel like it, but you rock. Thanks for posting real life struggles that we all go through. So many only report the good stuff and disappear. I appreciate it. I get it.

Donuts are evil. Delicious? yes. I don't eat donuts. I wish I had the same control over cookies.
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