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Old 02-21-2014, 05:58 PM   #631
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Again, you are all entirely too kind.

I've been in Seattle this week, working out my final joint tax return and negotiating the terms of my divorce. As divorces go, this one has probably been one of the most pleasant and agreeable in history. Which still means if someone shoved a gun in my face right now, I'd laugh at them, impugn their manhood, insult their mother, remind them that the safety is on, and tell them that they lack the courage of their convictions, and probably don't even know how to use a gun.

I will make it through this, but that doesn't mean I want to.

Living on the road means ordering food on the road.

"yes, just the omelette, no side. No, thanks - I don't want fruit, cottage cheese, muffins, potatoes, rice pilaf, pasta, or pancakes"

"just put some bacon on the side. Yes, I know that'll be extra - I guess I'll just have to let the light bill slide this month... <rolls eyes>"
__________________
8/8/2012: 350
11/2/2013: 250.0
Rebound peak: 286
8/22/2014: 270.6 - time to recover lost ground

Shark Sandwich: One man's epic journey from fat to slightly less fat.

Last edited by Z; 02-21-2014 at 06:11 PM..
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Old 02-24-2014, 10:10 AM   #632
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That wave has passed, and I'm back to my regularly scheduled level of depression - a far more manageable pace.

I wonder, sometimes, if I should just keep these things to myself rather than allowing it to spill out into the internet - or into the lives of those closest to me. I tend to favor documenting the entire process, here. I feel like there could be someone else out there who deals with the same kinds of issues, and that I would be doing that person a disservice by sugar coating the bumpy parts of the ride. Ultimately, I want to show that it is possible to succeed, even in the face of a bumpy road.

Still, I don't like to allow this garbage to bother the people around me - here included - and for that I apologize.
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Old 02-24-2014, 11:09 AM   #633
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No bother here. I'm glad to know entire picture of someone's journey. God knows mine has not been sunshine and rainbows. People tend to only express their successes. When there is a bump in the road, they tend to disappear.
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Old 02-24-2014, 12:02 PM   #634
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Quote:
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No bother here. I'm glad to know entire picture of someone's journey. God knows mine has not been sunshine and rainbows. People tend to only express their successes. When there is a bump in the road, they tend to disappear.
No worries of that - I'm like Tuberculosis, impossible to shake.
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Old 02-25-2014, 05:00 AM   #635
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Originally Posted by Z View Post
That wave has passed, and I'm back to my regularly scheduled level of depression - a far more manageable pace.

I wonder, sometimes, if I should just keep these things to myself rather than allowing it to spill out into the internet - or into the lives of those closest to me. I tend to favor documenting the entire process, here. I feel like there could be someone else out there who deals with the same kinds of issues, and that I would be doing that person a disservice by sugar coating the bumpy parts of the ride. Ultimately, I want to show that it is possible to succeed, even in the face of a bumpy road.

Still, I don't like to allow this garbage to bother the people around me - here included - and for that I apologize.
I, for one, am enormously grateful for your openness and honesty. I've been very stressed out lately and being reminded that others have their own struggles (and manage to survive the bumps in the road) really helps calm me a little and helps me keep things in perspective. So once again I thank you for your bravery and honesty.
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Old 02-25-2014, 01:54 PM   #636
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No need to apologize...no bother here...your willingness to share this journey and be up front with the good and the not so fun parts is greatly appreciated.

I think we all have the Sword of Damocles over our heads from time to time, and being able to keep from falling into a bag of cheesy poofs or a quart of ice cream to feel better is a sign of true strength.

Glad the dark cloud has passed and you are feeling better!
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Old 02-25-2014, 08:11 PM   #637
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Hang in there Z!
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Old 03-03-2014, 02:23 PM   #638
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Just stopping in to say hello....

Hope all is well. Have a good one!

"She says she can hear that I'm eating too much sugar on the phone, she says my larynx is fat."
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Old 03-24-2014, 02:02 PM   #639
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Stopping in for a quick hiya!!! Hope all is well. Take care.
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Old 04-16-2014, 05:26 AM   #640
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Z where are you?
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Old 04-16-2014, 05:35 AM   #641
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Ditto. . .
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Old 04-17-2014, 09:38 AM   #642
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Still alive. Wishing I was doing a better job of listening to my own advice. It's a bit difficult to stay on track when you're living with other people. The funny thing is that I'm about 99.5% on track. Which is enough for me to have gained about 20 pounds from my lowest weight.

I'm heading back to Tucson here in the next month or so. Back to living in my own place, back to having only the foods in my pantry that don't taste like failure. Back to weather that is golf appropriate year-round.

I just can't live in the northwest anymore. As silly as it sounds, I can't bear to live with this weather anymore.
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Old 04-17-2014, 11:06 AM   #643
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Well, it's good to hear from you, Z. We've missed your prolific writing skills around here!

You're not the only one fighting the maintenance monster. Seems like you have a good plan in place. I don't think it's silly at all to want to get away from that miserable weather. I couldn't handle it for sure!
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Old 04-17-2014, 12:39 PM   #644
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So glad to "see" you. I could not live in cold and rain ever! I can totally understand your move. At least you know what it is like now in AZ. Hopefully being able o be outside will get you back on track the way you were before.

You are still an inspiration!
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Old 04-18-2014, 02:14 PM   #645
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Hey Z!! Good to see you back! Glad you are moving to a place you enjoy. Take it easy and take care!
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Old 04-26-2014, 02:58 PM   #646
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Z: I'd been paying attention to this thread with interest. I hope you're doing alright.
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Old 04-27-2014, 01:58 PM   #647
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I stayed up late last night writing a post, but one of LCF's famous unannounced 2:00am outages killed my post and replaced it with a "site not found" message instead.

It was a good post. But losing two hours of writing has a way of taking the magic out of the message - a reconstruction is never quite the same.

Short version:

Anyone who says food is not an addiction hasn't seen me driving 20 miles out of my way, half an hour before the doughnut shop closes, ordering a dozen, eating 6 of them right then, hiding the rest in my car, and sneaking out to finish them the next day...

All this 'off and on' has left me up around 272. sufficiently eye-opening to trigger a re-evaluation of my priorities.

I can have pizza, I can have doughnuts... but I can't have these things and weigh less than 350.

I can't go back to the dark side of 300.
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Old 04-27-2014, 02:15 PM   #648
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Z: Binging is definitely a disorder, and food can definitely be an addiction. Even once 'over' the acute phase of an addiction - one is never really 'done' with it. It pisses me off, to be honest. My weight isn't up (this time) particularly because of this type of binge eating this time, but I've been known in the distant past to do the same. Those thoughts are never far out of mind. The addiction remains, and like the air we breathe; I can no sooner stop eating food than I can stop breathing.
I'm sorry to hear you fell off the lc wagon, but why did it happen really? Have you been able to identify the reasons subjectively in an effort fix the root cause?
What is your mitigation plan to move forward from here now?

I know you're pissed, but I am glad to see you back and in one piece!
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Old 04-27-2014, 02:40 PM   #649
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I'll be alright.

It will help not living in someone else's house. It will help getting back to Arizona, where I can be more active. Putting on a fast 20, in its own way, has helped. Nothing wins like winning, but failure really knows how to pile it on.

I first quit smoking in 2006. It took me until 2011 - 7 quits in all - before I would finally stumble into success. Failure is a part of the process. Not to be celebrated as a victory, but a part of the path which leads to success.

I feel like things are starting to stabilize for me. Getting away from this weather will do wonders for me. With a little luck, this year will mark my last June-uary.
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Old 04-27-2014, 03:00 PM   #650
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Z: I'm sure you're quite right about the not living in someone else's house bit. Your sanctuary is just that. My place is a veritable bubble, and my only enemy here is me, so it is definitely a more controlled environment.
I quit smoking after 22 years, when I became pregnant with my first child. Cold turkey. That's when my current weight gain hell broke loose. I did not have prior attempts to quit, and have not fallen back since. Not sure why other than I've had other health issues with which to contend, but thankfully I've not been tempted. I think I decided breathing was better than not.
I thought by previous posts you'd be jettisoning for AZ soon?
Do you think something like St. John's wort would help with the seasonal affective Seattleness thing in the meantime? It has worked for me in the past.
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Old 04-28-2014, 07:46 AM   #651
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And you won't see the dark side of 300, Z!
You're cognizant.....and you acknowledge there's a problem, like all of us here!!
We miss you and reading your posts!

I did so well from halloween until Easter. The Dove rabbits were mocking me. Total chocolate derailment.

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Old 04-29-2014, 02:04 PM   #652
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Quote:
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I'll be alright.
Definitely! I admire your determination (and intelligence).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Z View Post
I first quit smoking in 2006. It took me until 2011 - 7 quits in all - before I would finally stumble into success.
I hear that - it took me 5 or 6 attempts before it finally stuck, and the kicker is that my whole reason for quitting was to lower my blood pressure....I went from 50 mg of my med to 100 mg within 3 months of quitting....((((((STRESS)))))

Glad to hear things are smoothing out for you. Take care of yourself.

Ian Faith: The Boston gig has been cancelled...
David St. Hubbins: What?
Ian Faith: Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town.
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Old 04-30-2014, 05:50 AM   #653
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Well, Personally, Z, I am pissed that I couldn't read your entire post. I'm sure it was GREAT!

Hope to see you post a REAAALLYYY long one soon!
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Old 05-01-2014, 12:09 AM   #654
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I'm afraid my depression is based largely on compounding factors. It's worse here in the northwest, because my joints are bad any time the temperature is below 70. I can get away with 60 in Tucson, because the direct sunlight imparts a bit of extra heat.

January of this year, not a single day in Tucson below 60, 15 days above 70. And not a single day in portland above 58.

I cannot bear to be rained on.

When my joints hurt, and the weather is crap, I don't go anywhere. And when I don't go anywhere and I'm hating life in general, my pre-existing dysthymia is prone to fester into a major depressive episode (also known as a double-dip depression).

I've tried remedies - allopathic, and naturopathic - and at the end of the day, they don't help me.

Still, I'm down to 268 from 273 over the last few days, so I'm pleased with my progress thus far.
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Old 05-01-2014, 06:05 AM   #655
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Z. I don't pretend to know what you're going through. I do not have any type of clinical depression. However, I do have bad joints and I hate depressing/cold weather. I'm certain that's to blame for my 20 lb backslide. Bored and lazy. I just wanted to hybernate.

Here's hoping you get a huge dose of warm sun soon. Keep coming here. You continue to inspire with your true life.
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Old 05-01-2014, 08:53 AM   #656
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267.4

Still moving in the right direction. Thanks everyone for checking in on me.
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Old 05-01-2014, 08:55 AM   #657
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RoxyRoller View Post

Ian Faith: The Boston gig has been cancelled...
David St. Hubbins: What?
Ian Faith: Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town.
Some of the best jokes in that movie are the quick little throw-away jokes like that one.
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Old 05-01-2014, 09:34 AM   #658
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...Still, I'm down to 268 from 273 over the last few days, so I'm pleased with my progress thus far.
And well you should be pleased! That's a respectable loss right there!!!
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Old 05-02-2014, 11:19 AM   #659
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Z View Post
267.4

Still moving in the right direction. Thanks everyone for checking in on me.
Woot! You got this!

You are a genuine inspiration.

I could watch that movie every day and not get tired of it...as much as it is meant to be a satire, the parallels to what an actual band goes through are incredible and hilarious.

...talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em...
Spinal Tap/Big Bottom

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Old 05-09-2014, 05:31 PM   #660
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Just a quick check in as I start another day of work.

Far more dangerous than any craving - no matter who compelling or severe - is losing one's resolve. With enough resolve one can weather any storm. Without resolve and commitment, one will cave to even the most pedestrian temptations just out of hand.

It's like structural cascade failure where one support goes over capacity and fails, shifting the load to adjacent supports, causing them to go over capacity, until the entire structure collapses. One step off the path. One doughnut. One bite of pizza. That's all it takes to put the crack in my resolve that leaves my compliance in rubble and sends my scale needle shooting back in the wrong direction.

The first few days are the most difficult. Yesterday it was ok to have a doughnut, because you could just quit tomorrow. And in the words of that insipid musical, tomorrow is always just a day away. And suddenly what was tomorrow becomes today, and tomorrow still looks like the better day to get serious. Tomorrow is a lie. I've seen 13,656 days. In all that time, I've never woken up to tomorrow. Without fail, each one of those days was today right up to the moment they became yesterday. Tomorrow is the slippery slope that leads to never.

After a few weeks it's a lot easier, because you have something to lose. You build up a kind of momentum of resolve. But for the first few weeks, you're living on raw stubborn willpower. So when you need strength the most, is when you will have it the least.

Work now. Results later.
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