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Old 09-16-2013, 05:31 PM   #301
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Really glad to see you back in here. It's not easy, but you are worth it!
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Old 09-17-2013, 08:07 AM   #302
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JMacB View Post
Really glad to see you back in here. It's not easy, but you are worth it!
Thank you! It feels good to be back on track!

I am enjoying another healthy, delicious concoction with my new food additions. This morning I mixed ½ a LC vanilla yogurt with about 2 TBLS canned pumpkin, 2 TBLS ground flax, a capful of vanilla Torani syrup, a Splenda packet, and a dash each of ground cinnamon and ground clove. I am eating it now at work with my second coffee and feeling sooooo at peace with my WOE.

Another benefit of the addition of yogurt and higher fiber foods is that I am *ahem* happier with my trips to the bathroom. ‘Nuff said.

The ultimate sugar free cherry on top of this whole situation would be if the scale inches down even as much as half a pound this week. Either way, I am committed to eating this way for a couple weeks to really let my body (and mind) adjust and see what happens. I am optimistic since when I do include these new foods, I am doing it in very small portions.

Tonight I am going to try coming up with a new recipe. I am having a pork roast so as a side, I think I may do my usual roast cauliflower but add a quarter serving of kidney beans to them. Then I want to make a pumpkin sauce with garlic, a little canned pumpkin, a splash of chicken broth, and maybe a bit of HWC or cream cheese. It seems like it would be good poured over the roasted cauliflower and kidney bean mixture with a generous portion of black pepper on top. Yum!

It feels good to be ‘allowing’ myself to cater to my foodie side and really enjoy my meals. I got so sucked into Induction thinking (and not just Induction, but strict bacon, egg, salad, meat mentality). That is fine if that is what I want and if it feels right, but I think I needed a change a while ago and just kept pushing myself a little further.

That is a pattern I have in other areas of my life. I reach the end of my rope but continue to push myself further, convincing myself of what I ‘need’ to do or ‘should’ do. It is totally related to me not respecting my own boundaries and not listening to my inner voice… as if my core needs are irrelevant and unimportant. That is such a root cause with my eating and weight issues as well as my issues in relationships and career.

I am experiencing it right now in my job. My inner voice, my core need, is to return to the classroom as a teacher. It is a spiritual calling and my true purpose. Yet, I followed a path out of the classroom and into education leadership. At the time I was encouraged by my colleagues and curious about the opportunity. I think I realized early on that it wasn’t quite the right fit for me, but thought I ‘ought’ to give it enough time before making a decision.

I am now in my fourth year (fourth year!) as a school based administrator and it never grew on me. In fact, I have been deteriorating emotionally and spiritually. I think I reached the end of my rope a year ago and should have bowed out, but listened to the external ‘needs’ and ‘shoulds’ instead of listening to my internal voice. My job is now a complete misery to me. I feel absolutely weighed down by it.

So what does the universe do when one is conflicted inside? It tests you!! I am now being heavily recruited to take a new leadership position with the county school board. I am hearing all of the external ‘shoulds’ and the proverbial carrot is being dangled to see if my ego with grab for it. I am hearing that it is my ‘responsibility’ to step up and lead for the betterment of the county programs, that I would be a ‘waste of talent’ in the classroom, that I am such a strong leader and would do such a great job, that I could make big, positive changes for all of the students in the county (instead of just a few students in a school or classroom). The higher ups are complimenting me (making the ego purr like a kitten), telling me they hope I consider this position. Last time I stopped by the county office, I was shown where ‘my desk’ would be. They are selling hard.

Of course, externally it looks like a no brainer. A promotion, an ambitious move up, a powerful position, an opportunity to grow high within the system (the road to superintendent is built one promotion at a time), and even a little more money. On paper, it looks like this is something I ‘should’ do… like an opportunity that ‘should’ be taken…

… but inside, it feels like the wrong choice for me. It is so scary to listen to *that* voice as she stands alone in the crowd. *That* voice wants to return to teaching... less money… less ‘prestige’… a lot of emotional hardship caring for children… but the most spiritually rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. Ever. I’ve shared with friends and family that the only time in my life I have ever truly experienced ‘living in the moment’ with a mindfulness and connection is when I am in front of a classroom of students.

Anyone that reads my journal knows I am a neurotic, mind racing, exhaustive thinker and analyzer. They make meds for people like me! LOL! But when I am teaching, that part of my brain stops spinning and I am present in the moment, connecting with the student(s). It provides me with a restful break from myself. My purpose becomes bigger than my obsessing and that purpose takes over. The minute the students enter my classroom, a switch is flipped and I am on a different plane…. When they leave my classroom for the day, I resume where I left off.

To live my best life and be my best me, I (the real ‘I’, the inner voice ‘I’) want to be a teacher… now if I can just be strong enough to make the change and deal with the external pressures.

Wow, what a turn I took from my pumpkin and yogurt. If you are still reading at this point I extend my apologies and commend you for your determination to see it through.
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Old 09-17-2013, 08:31 AM   #303
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lol ! I think you have your answer ! good Luck !
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:58 AM   #304
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The answer seems clear to me!!!! You need to be in the classroom!!! Life is too short to be doing something that makes you miserable.
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Old 09-17-2013, 11:58 AM   #305
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I feel like I just had this discussion with a friend. He is on the fast-track for the top, and he's miserable. He feels so much external pressure that he's locking up. What others are saying is not what his gut says. I know you need this as a safe place to vent, and I hope you are able to make the choice that will ultimate make you happy. We spend far too much time in our jobs for them to make us unhappy. Best of luck to you.
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Old 09-18-2013, 09:48 AM   #306
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Laura- Thanks for the well wishes.

Jokath- You’re right, life is short! I want to enjoy what time I have.

JMac- I’m sorry for your friend. It is a tough spot to be in, though definitely a ‘first world problem’. Not everyone is cut out to thrive on the fast-track and I think I fall into that category.


Yesterday, I FINALLY resumed my exercising. I have been making it a goal for weeks and yesterday I did it. Phew! I need to be more active because I feel so much better physically, emotionally, and spiritually when I do. I took a walk, enjoyed the nature around me, and even got caught in a light sun shower. All good.

During my walk it occurred to me that I had been less active all summer and that the same was true last summer. That also reminded me that I maintained my weight during June, July, and August in both 2012 and 2013. I believe I may have a mild touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder. These months in Florida are brutally hot and humid and I tend to keep the curtains closed and stay indoors with low energy. It doesn’t help that I work longer hours during those months (I am a year round school employee). I worked day and night this summer and last summer covering both day and evening programs. All combined, I clearly see that those three months (for me) are to be slow and steady in regards to managing my mental and physical health. This realization is helping me be less self-judgy about my lack of weight loss progress since June.

So a new season approaches and with it comes a slight attitude adjustment. I’m back to working only day hours, I am returning to my evening walking/biking routine, I am starting to enjoy my pumpkin as a seasonal treat.

We know there are good days and bad days… I’m grateful to be having a good one.
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Old 09-19-2013, 04:07 PM   #307
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My first ever Netrition order arrived today. EZ-Sweetz liquid sucralose and DaVinci's SF egg nog syrup. I already tried the EZ- Sweetz in a coffee and it is a winner! That will be a regular staple for me now.

I plan on mixing the egg nog syrup with some ricotta for a snack tonight. I am an egg nog junkie, so I have high hopes that this little purchase with be enhancing my enjoyment over the fall and winter months.

I ended up eating a lot of protein and fewer carbs today (no pumpkin, no yogurt) but it was just what I was in the mood for. I like feeling like I have a choice.

I went for my walk but it was cut short by some thunder and lightening, so I took it indoors and did some dancing around the house to club/dance music. I threw in a few jumping jacks, lunges, knee lifts, and kicks for good measure. I don't care what I do, I just want to stick to MOVING for at least thirty minutes a day. I feel so much better just on day three of it!
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Old 09-19-2013, 04:15 PM   #308
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... I forgot to mention,

After purging myself in this journal on Tuesday regarding my career woes, I called human resources about the details of my transfer paperwork, officially took myself out of the running for the county promotion, and told my administrator that when my contract is up I will be applying for a teaching position.

It was kind of sudden, but I wanted to seize the moment. I was afraid I was being rash, but guess what? I feel AWESOME.
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Old 09-19-2013, 05:04 PM   #309
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... I forgot to mention,

After purging myself in this journal on Tuesday regarding my career woes, I called human resources about the details of my transfer paperwork, officially took myself out of the running for the county promotion, and told my administrator that when my contract is up I will be applying for a teaching position.

It was kind of sudden, but I wanted to seize the moment. I was afraid I was being rash, but guess what? I feel AWESOME.


Awesome !!!
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Old 09-19-2013, 05:38 PM   #310
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Congratulations on the career move!!!!!
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Old 09-20-2013, 03:32 PM   #311
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Thank you ladies! It feels awesome!

For the record, Da Vinci's SF Egg Nog syrup is heaven in liquid form. OMG, I mixed it with ricotta last night and savored each and every little spoonful. Tonight I think I'll add a pinch of clove and cinnamon.

Another addition to my WOE today was a Joseph's Oat and Flax pita. I bought a six in sub and took the meat off the bread and wrapped it in this. VERY, very satisfying. I think I will use another one this weekend to make a veggie pizza.

Although I am a little worried about how the scale will react Sunday from my new additions this week of yogurt, pumpkin, flax, kidney beans, nuts, and now the LC pita, I am also feeling really good and healthy. Someone asked today if I lost more weight because it looked like I had (love that guy!). I've decided that regardless of what the scale says, I'm giving my current food plan another week to really see.
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Old 09-20-2013, 08:22 PM   #312
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So much happy to celebrate!!! Yay for moving 30 minutes, yay for netrition orders, yay for egg nog flavor, yay for careers that make life worth living!!!
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Old 09-21-2013, 07:50 AM   #313
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I just binged.

DH left the house at 9:45 AM and by 10:30 AM I had eaten:

3 cookies
PB&J on pita
Quesadilla
Grilled cheese
Baked beans
Frosted Mini Wheats
Glass of milk
Chips

It just came out of the blue and I sort of 'turned off' while it happened. Damn it.
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Old 09-21-2013, 10:08 AM   #314
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Hey just shake it off and think about what a great week it's been... You can do this.
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Old 09-21-2013, 10:19 AM   #315
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sorry . It's over ... don't beat yourself up (hugs)
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Old 09-21-2013, 05:08 PM   #316
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No worries, Trish...

It happens to so many of us; you're not alone!

Pick up; dust off; move forward.

Be kind to yourself.

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Old 09-22-2013, 05:05 AM   #317
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Trish, that was not a huge binge and it is over, like everyone said. Don't beat yourself up -- you are doing really, really well. I give you alot of credit for having cookies/chips in your house -- I would not be able to stay away from them. So you really have done a great job of staying away from temptations in your home.

By the way, I need to try that egg nog syrup you mentioned!
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Old 09-24-2013, 07:03 AM   #318
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Thanks ladies. You are a great cheering section.

The binge that started Saturday morning lasted until Monday night. Another round of get up, dust off, move on.

When I went to the grocery store last night, I bought a few things to try yet another new strategy. Since my binge incidents began I have tried:

1. Strict Induction by the book.
2. Upping my carbs with fiber rich food.
3. Recording everything I ate.
4. Not recording anything I ate.

So to try and regain some steady footing for the remainder of the workweek and avoid binging, I bought a pack of Atkins breakfast bars and four Atkins frozen dinners. I haven’t included things like this before, but at this point I just want the binging to stop and I find it hard to motivate myself to prep cook. My plan is to have the bar and frozen meal at work, then eat a protein and veggie dinner in the evening at home. It is only four days to the weekend and then I can see what I need to do moving forward.

I leave Sunday for a conference in Orlando and will return Wednesday. I need to regain control of my eating before this trip if I am going to have the strength to stay focused during all the catered events.

… I’m scared by the fact that there is a little voice in my head telling me “Chill out, relax, enjoy the conference and just enjoy the weight you are at.”
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Old 09-29-2013, 09:32 AM   #319
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I've still been a hot mess. I leave today for the conference. My plan is to do a good old fashioned high fat Induction when I get back. I need to cleanse my body of these cravings and get back into ketosis. I don't see that happening in Orlando.
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Old 09-30-2013, 12:03 PM   #320
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Safe travels & enjoy the conference.
You've lost ~80 pounds. That's awesome!

When you're ready to continue losing, you will.
No worries.

We're here for you!
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Old 09-30-2013, 03:26 PM   #321
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Have fun and no worries....
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Old 10-01-2013, 02:32 AM   #322
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We are here for you. Don't focus and stress about now but think how far you have come. You will do it again. Have fun at the conference.
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Old 10-04-2013, 05:01 PM   #323
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How ya doing, Trish?

Just thinking about you!
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Old 10-06-2013, 06:09 AM   #324
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Thank you all for checking in on me and 'keeping the home fires burning'.

Back from the conference (a carb haven). My eating has been absolutely out of control. I *think* I am finally reaching the end of it because I am actually looking forward to getting back into ketosis. I know the next few days will be mentally and physically challenging, but I want to get back into ketosis ASAP, so Induction for me. Here is my plan for the week:

B- Thick cut bacon and coffee
S- Coffee
L- Egg salad with lots of mayo and mustard with 1 cup of lettuce
S- Coffee and protein if needed (chicken or more bacon)
D- Protein with 3/4 cup of vegetables and lots of butter
S- Can of diet Canada Dry ginger ale

60 ounces of water
30 minutes of exercise
Less than 20 carbs

I will be prep cooking the egg salad and portioning out the lettuce for my lunches in a bit. I'm also writing my weekly dinner menu and putting that on the fridge. I will start slow with the exercise... A nice walk before dinner.

I refuse to get on the scale at this point. I don't want the numbers to distract me from my real focus. I am craving my routine and healthy habits. Things got wobbly, but it is never too late to get back on track. Right now 100% of my effort will be to resume my healthy habits. Each day I do that is a day of meeting my goal. Once my routine is solidly back in place, I will begin tracking my weight loss again. The soonest I will look at the scale will be the end of this month to get a number for October, since I record my lowest weight every month in my 'master tracker'.

I am also thinking of going to the local gym to see what they offer and price it out. Again, not until the end of the month when I have a grip on my eating again. I think incorporating resistance training will be good for my body at this point to start firming and shaping. I don't have the equipment to do that at home, plus I am not clear about correct form and stuff like that. I think a gym might be a nice place to learn all of that. Plus they have classes and cardio machines. I dunno, something to think about.

So there it is... The good, the bad, the ugly. Please send good vibes my way because I need to get off of this out of control, high speed, binge ride. The loop de loops are disorienting!!!
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Old 10-06-2013, 06:21 AM   #325
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Good vibes coming your way! I know what you mean about getting to the right head-place to do what we need to do. You can do it, and I will be cheering you on!
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Old 10-06-2013, 07:52 AM   #326
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Glad you made it home safely. Sounds like a good plan ! Go easy on yourself, you've done amazing
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Old 10-06-2013, 07:57 AM   #327
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Good thought and good vibes heading your way....great plan...good luck!!!
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Old 10-06-2013, 08:15 AM   #328
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Good vibes coming your way for sure, Trish! You have a "posse" here that supports you 100 percent. One thing you should know: you are already back on track. You are craving your low carb routine and structure so that is a very good sign that you WANT to be back in control again and you already are.

I think your plan sounds great. If you don't want to join a gym right away, you can always buy some free weights at Target and follow a simple body shaping program to start (you can find tons of stuff online). You have so much to look forward to -- the weather in your area is going to get gorgeous from November to March. I remember when I lived in Miami and could not wait for the milder weather to arrive.
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Old 10-06-2013, 11:25 AM   #329
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Originally Posted by GailyGail View Post
Good vibes coming your way for sure, Trish! You have a "posse" here that supports you 100 percent. One thing you should know: you are already back on track. You are craving your low carb routine and structure so that is a very good sign that you WANT to be back in control again and you already are.

I think your plan sounds great. If you don't want to join a gym right away, you can always buy some free weights at Target and follow a simple body shaping program to start (you can find tons of stuff online). You have so much to look forward to -- the weather in your area is going to get gorgeous from November to March. I remember when I lived in Miami and could not wait for the milder weather to arrive.
I agree with what Gail said.

We are all supporting you and we are here for you. Welcome back!!
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Old 10-07-2013, 07:25 AM   #330
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Good vibes coming your way! I know what you mean about getting to the right head-place to do what we need to do. You can do it, and I will be cheering you on!
I feel the vibes, thank you!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by shelby'snana View Post
Glad you made it home safely. Sounds like a good plan ! Go easy on yourself, you've done amazing
Thank you for the reminder that I have come a long way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jokath View Post
Good thought and good vibes heading your way....great plan...good luck!!!
Thank you! I appreciate the positive energy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GailyGail View Post
Good vibes coming your way for sure, Trish! You have a "posse" here that supports you 100 percent. One thing you should know: you are already back on track. You are craving your low carb routine and structure so that is a very good sign that you WANT to be back in control again and you already are.

I think your plan sounds great. If you don't want to join a gym right away, you can always buy some free weights at Target and follow a simple body shaping program to start (you can find tons of stuff online). You have so much to look forward to -- the weather in your area is going to get gorgeous from November to March. I remember when I lived in Miami and could not wait for the milder weather to arrive.
You are right, I am already back on track. Thank you for the reminder! You are also right on target with that weather. Still in the 90's with that darn humidity, but I know relief is on the way. I can't wait for those afternoon walks with the sun shining in a blue sky and a dry, warm breeze. My lungs are ready to fill with crisp air!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by NWLoser View Post
I agree with what Gail said.

We are all supporting you and we are here for you. Welcome back!!
I don't know what I would do without this support system. It means so much to me, thank you!


Day 1 is going well. I woke up and jumped right on the wagon. Chugged 20 ounces of water, ate four slices of thick cut bacon, and drank my coffee with liquid sucralose and two measured tablespoons of half & half.

Being on plan is bringing me so much relief. I feel calm and comfortable today. Eating off plan makes me feel so anxious and rushed because I am all consumed with thoughts of what to eat next. My God, what a compulsion!

Driving into work this morning, I had a little ‘chat’ with my body. I apologized to it for failing to take care of it properly over the last couple weeks. I thanked it for taking such good care of me even when I fail to reciprocate. I reassured it I was going to make better choices so that it could resume functioning at optimal levels.

Sometimes it is helpful for me to remember my body is simply a vessel that is on loan to me for a short time. How long it lasts and how well it runs is dependent on how well I care and maintain it. Honestly, when I go through these periods of binging because of my emotional/psychological issues, it is my poor body that suffers the consequences. I’m trying to look at my body a bit like a beloved child or pet that needs me to care for it… somehow detaching like that helps me separate my binge mentality from my responsibility as a caretaker of my physical self.

Today I am in caretaker mode, making responsible choices for the health of my body instead of catering to the immature demands of the compulsion that lives in my head.
trishthedish is online now   Reply With Quote
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