200 Lbs. Gone, A Lifetime To Go!

[Jennifer]

Soooo, free day was....ok. I ate more than I wanted to, and I still want to eat more but won't.

Nothing really appealed to me at the store because I didn't want to have to buy a whole container of anything. I considered chocolate covered pretzels, fudge covered Oreos and some dark chocolate coconut almond bark (looking back, this is what I should have bought). I bought some Hershey's miniatures and had 1/2 of a caramel pumpkin latte. I decided to have the cheesecakes we got from some neighbors a couple of nights ago. There were 4 flavors, and I knew going into it that I would have 1 of each (they are small).

Final tally:
4 miniature cheesecakes
6 Hershey's miniatures
1 truffle sample at Whole Foods
1/2 caramel pumpkin latte

I feel uncomfortable. Not full exactly, but physically there is no way I would want to eat anything else. It's a rare feeling for me, because if I'm eating cleanly I would have stopped before this point, but while binging I would have continued way past this point.

One thought I am having is that just because I decide to have a free day, doesn't mean I have to have a free day. I really wasn't interested in anything and kinda just ate to ate. I did want to try the cheesecakes and am glad I did, but other than that...meh. I bought the Hershey's to add a handful to one of my employee's birthday present. I'm going to put some aside for her, then have DH bring the rest of the bag and the cheesecakes to his friend's house when he goes to watch the football game tomorrow.

Other than the free day food I ate
b - carbmaster cherry yogurt, coffee w/hwc & davinci's
d - chicken breast sauteed in butter, cherry tomatoes, caesar salad
70 oz water, 1 bottle crystal light mojito, 1 can diet pepsi, 1 tall & 1 grande starbucks coffee w/hwc & torani's

[Jennifer]

I ate more

I had a handful more Hershey's miniatures, then loaded up a bowl with more cheesecakes. I took a few bites then put it down the trash disposal

I am not strong enough to have sweets in the house.

[GailyGail]

Jenn, I still think you did pretty well -- you did not abuse your free day. Yes, you had a handful of sweets -- but you had a handful -- not a whole week's supply. You did not go on a binge -- so keep that in mind. And you threw the cheesecakes away. Oh and your eating for the balance of the day was super clean -- chicken breast, veggies, yogurt and lots of water and Crystal Light.

You seem to have a lot of self-awareness about what works for you and what doesn't work for you too. You need to give yourself more credit for figuring this thing out AND putting the breaks on your eating before it gets out of control. You always stop things before they become too much -- and that is GREAT in and of itself.

[Jennifer]

I got up twice in the middle of the night to walk out leg cramps (too much sugar causes them for me), and I ate more miniatures both times. Second time I ate a low carb tortilla too.

I'm not upset. I'm just mad, and determined to get this all figured out.

For now, I am not going to put any pressure on myself when it comes to food. Eat it, don't eat it, doesn't matter. I thought I needed a free day, but when push came to shove I didn't, but I didn't want to miss out so I forced it, which led to binging. I think it's official - I am a stubborn 2 year old in a 40 year old body

Until I am ready to commit to l/c 100% of the time, I'm going to eat what I want, when I want, but keep my limitations in mind, mainly that I cannot have trigger food in the house, and that life is in one hand and food in the other, and I do not clap hands. I also have to keep in mind that food is not going to magically go away because I do not eat it right now. Yes, I may have to wait another year for certain seasonal treats, but oh well. Something to look forward to

Compared to what those poor families in CT are dealing with, this is so incredibly trivial, and frankly I'm tired of wasting my energy on it.

[cindym]

Happy Monday Jennifer & Friends ~ Thanks again for your honesty and determination

[NWLoser]

Happy Monday Jennifer, Gail, Cindy & others. I think it is refreshing to see such honesty on a thread.

We are here for you Jennifer whatever you do.

[Jennifer]

I'm glad y'all like my honesty, because I gotz more!

Last night DH & I went to Fleming's Steakhouse for prime rib. It's a full meal that comes with salad, side, meat, dessert. I was going to wait until after dinner to order dessert to see what I wanted then, but the server wanted to take our whole order up front. Pressure! Usually I get the mixed berries, but I wasn't feeling like berries right then, so I ordered carrot cake. DH ordered chocolate lava cake. As we ate, I realized I really wanted the lava cake. So we decided to split the lava cake & bring the carrot cake home. Sounds good right? Only DH doesn't like carrot cake, so I know I would be eating it solo, but no big deal since no restrictions, and it would give me something to look forward to during the week.

So I went to the ladies' room, and in the mirror I could see the outline of my Spanx because my jeans were so tight! I was mortified and decided forget no restrictions, I need to lose weight so I don't have to wear Spanx, or at least so my Spanx don't show. So I guess you know where this is going....I ate 1/2 lava cake at the restaurant, then went to the store. I did have to go to the store anyway for sour cream, a bell pepper and bottled water, but I also got a box of brownies and some chocolates, then went to Starbucks and got a caramel macchiato. Went home and ate carrot cake, brownies, chocolate & sugary coffee.

I suck. I truly suck.

All I can do is keep trying, so that's what I will do.

to all and thanks for the support!

[Jennifer]

Good day eating-wise. It helped that I was home all day so there were no temptations.

b - Greek yogurt w/Torani's; coffee w/hwc & Torani's
l - .5 cup cherry tomatoes
d - pork loin roast, salad (lettuce, bacon, hickory bacon dressing)
128 oz water, 1 bottle crystal light appletini, grande coffee from starbucks w/hwc & Torani's

Even though I had a vacation day yesterday I worked all day. Got a lot done, but am really dreading next week when I am the only member of management there. I will be 1,000x more stressed than I already am, especially since there are a couple of projects that my boss didn't include me in because I was already so overwhelmed. Well now, I have to know, so I will have less than a week to come up to speed on a project that has been going on for over a year. Not to mention trying to keep up with everything else I have to do and all the many, many fires I have to try to put out in the course of a day.

I was so stressed yesterday - a vacation day!!! All I do is cry, eat, snap at DH and the kitties Last night DH said him or the job. He doesn't mean it, but it's affecting him too and that's not fair, and it's definitely not fair to my sweet little kitties to have to live with a ranting lunatic; they run when they see me I really hate myself.

[GailyGail]

Oh honey, your work situation is really rough. I can see why it is wearing you out. But first, your DH and kitties love you -- cats always love their mama -- so please don't feel that way. Maintenance is always going to be hard when you have a super stressful job and a sweet tooth, but you have had plenty of good days. In fact, you have way more good days than bad days so please stop beating yourself up.

And honey, after age 40, most ladies need Spandex and have to wear it, even if they are skinnie minnies. So please stop thinking that you fat because you are NOT fat.

[Jennifer]

Originally Posted by GailyGail

Oh honey, your work situation is really rough. I can see why it is wearing you out. But first, your DH and kitties love you -- cats always love their mama -- so please don't feel that way. Maintenance is always going to be hard when you have a super stressful job and a sweet tooth, but you have had plenty of good days. In fact, you have way more good days than bad days so please stop beating yourself up.

And honey, after age 40, most ladies need Spandex and have to wear it, even if they are skinnie minnies. So please stop thinking that you fat because you are NOT fat.

Unfortunately maintenance is but a dream right now. I have gained about 20 lbs on top of the 10-15 I already had to lose. No way around it - I am fat and out of control and hate myself (because of the lack of control, not just being fat). And I hate myself because I am too vain/depressed to buy bigger size clothes that I would at least look decent in.

[Jennifer]

I am in a horrible place emotionally right now and I'm scared.

Food/weight/binging is just the tip of the iceberg right now, but of course they are not helping things.

Hopefully things will get better, but I may not be posting for a while.

[GailyGail]

Jen, you take time for you and things will get better. Know that tons of support and friendship are here when you need it!

[cindym]

Thinking of you Jennifer

[NWLoser]

Originally Posted by Jennifer

I am in a horrible place emotionally right now and I'm scared.

Food/weight/binging is just the tip of the iceberg right now, but of course they are not helping things.

Hopefully things will get better, but I may not be posting for a while.

Jennifer, You take whatever time you need for you. Just know we are all here for you whenever you need us. HUGS!!

[cindym]

Sending more and

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.”
― Helen Keller

[Jennifer]

Thank you all for the support!

I am still binging but feeling better, at peace. Not sure how or why, but I am going to go with it. Well, actually it's because I am in denial about a lot of things. There are issues that I have to address and hopefully resolve, but for now stopping binging is priority. Everything else will have to remain tucked away into the denial area of my brain for now.

[Jennifer]

Originally Posted by cindym

Sending more and

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.”
― Helen Keller

That is a beautiful quote...thank you!

[cindym]

Happy Almost Christmas Eve ~ I'm so happy that you are feeling better Jennifer.

You are very welcome. I cherish the friendships I have made with like minded people.

[NWLoser]

Cindy, I also love that quote.

Jen, it is good to hear you are finding some peace amidst the chaos. I think the holiday season also magnifies problems, at least for me. You are in my thoughts. Hugs!!!

[GailyGail]

Jennifer, thinking of you and wishing you a very Merry Christmas. Cindy and Dianne, I hope you guys enjoy the holidays too.

[cindym]

Merry Christmas

[NWLoser]

Jen, Wishing you a very Merry Christmas with your kitties and husband.

Merry Christmas to Gail and Cindy, too!!

[cindym]

Hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas

[cindym]

Bumping us back to the top of the page.

Thinking about everyone

Hard to believe that another year is almost done. At my age, time just seems to be flying by.

[NWLoser]

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. Here it is almost the New Year! Hope everyone is doing well. Hugs.

[Jennifer]

I'm with y'all - time is flying!

For the first time in years, my New Year's resolution is not to lose weight. After much soul searching, and a rock-bottom binge (details below), I have decided that my main priority is to stop binging. Weight loss may or may not happen, weight gain may even happen, but I have got to stop this binging for my physical health, but more importantly for my mental health.

Low carb will still be my core WOE, but not necessarily to a weight loss end. I will exercise, but scales, tape measures, etc are off limits. I am going to be kind to myself, and part of that is going to be to buy clothes that fit. It is going to kill me to buy double digit sizes again, but squeezing and Spanxing myself into my clothes is uncomfortable, unattractive, and not fooling anyone.

My plan is to devote 90 days to this journey & re-evaluate then.

[Jennifer]

...almost forgot to post.

Friday after work (after eating tons of candy at work), I went to the Galleria to get my eyebrows threaded. There is a Cheesecake Factory in the mall, so I decided to get a piece or 3 (remember, I can never get just 1 of anything). Walking to CF, which is halfway across a huge mall, I passed Dylan's Candy Bar. I peeked in, and there is a wall of containers of all kinds of chocolates that you can buy by the pound. I loaded up a bag with about 1.5 lbs. I ate all the way across the mall, literally shoving chocolate into my mouth; it's a wonder I didn't choke. When I got to Cheesecake Fatory (keeping the typo...lol), I couldn't decide what I wanted, and by this time my jeans were cutting off my circulation, and somehow I had the sense to walk out of the restaurant empty handed. I ducked into a hallway that leads to office suites and downed the rest of the candy.

Now, eating 1.5 lbs of chocolate is not unheard of for me. What I think made this my rock bottom is 1 - I binged in public, something I never do. Granted, I was an anonymous face among hundreds of people in an extremely busy mall, but binging is usually between me, my mac, and my sweat pants; 2 - The absolute compulsion I felt. I literally could not stop eating, even for a second. It was scary as hell, and I do not want to feel that way again. I just feel like I was ---><--- this close to the point of no return, and if I don't rein it in now, I never will.

[NWLoser]

Jennifer, I like your plan. I have had similar binges in the past. Nothing like that for a few years but it scared me. I am not sure if if scared me straight but it scared me nonetheless. I scared myself the last time when I got up in the night and binged like a crazy person on nuts. I was just shoveling them in and was hardly chewing them. I had never ever gotten up from sleeping and ate during the night. It actually scared me and that helped me get a handle. This may be a similar thing for you. I couldn't stop myself at the time and I felt like a robot or something.

I think not focusing on weight loss but control of the binge monster is very wise. I know it is hard to buy larger clothes but I feel sure you will be back in the smaller ones in the future. Keep thinking they are nothing like you wore 200 lbs. ago.

Keep posting, I missed you!!

[GailyGail]

Jennifer, I agree with Dianne -- your plan sounds great. It is realistic, reasonable and focused on your health. Plus, it won't make you nuts. And you will definitely be back in smaller clothes in the future --that will happen organically when the binging fades.

In the meantime, wishing you a very Happy New Year and please know that good things are in store for you in the year ahead!

[Jennifer]

I started the new year off on the right foot - no binging!!! It was so nice to wake up this morning and not have sausage fingers from all of the carby water retention.

Tuesday 1/1/13:
b - Greek yogurt with s/f Torani's; coffee w/hwc & s/f Torani's
l - black eye peas, cole slaw, cranberry chipotle cheddar cheese
d - pork loin roast, cole slaw, small roasted potato, Linda Sue's chocolate truffle torte
2 l water, 1.5 mimosas, tall Starbucks coffee w/hwc & s/f Torani's

I need to drink more water, and really there was no excuse for me not to do so yesterday. I passed up cookies, candy, chips, crackers, dip yesterday so I am proud of myself. I could have had them, but really didn't want them.

Hope everyone has a great day! It's already Hump Day