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Old 11-20-2012, 06:51 AM   #481
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I binged

I guess I will have to go back to zero tolerance. I don't want to because that is not the way I want to live my life, but I also don't want to live my life binging. Being depressed & miserable over things I can't eat is better than being depressed and miserable because I've binged and my clothes don't fit. I guess so anyway Binging is my only outlet, but of course the stress relief does not last, and just makes things worse. I really don't know what to do; things seem so hopeless right now.

I do not want to go home for Thanksgiving. It really is all about the food for me, and now I can't eat anything but turkey. Nothing fits (DH wants me to but new clothes - no way), and I don't want everyone to see that I've gained weight & think I'm going to do what I have been doing forever - losing weight & gaining it right back. But the pet sitters and B&B have been booked, plus I have a hair appointment Sat AM so I have no choice. I think that is the cause of all of this. I feel like I have no choices or control, and that I'm stuck in every area of my life. No joy, happiness or even contentment except for food, which is also my enemy. I honestly don't know what to do right now. I wish I could just stop everything.
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Old 11-20-2012, 07:02 AM   #482
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Jenn

I'm glad that you are back posting and I know that you will get through this
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Old 11-20-2012, 10:24 AM   #483
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Jennifer, I know you feel really awful right now but please, for the love of God, stop beating yourself up. You are making yourself feel worse. Next, you are not giving yourself enough credit for all of the progress you have made in key areas such as: 1) losing a ton of weight by sticking to healthy habits; 2) reducing the binges; 3) knowing how to stop a binge before it happens and 4) having the self-awareness to admit a binge when it does happen. Girl, you have made so much progress and you are heading in the right direction -- so please stop getting down on yourself.

You may feel like you have no choices or control -- but you do and you have consistently made the right choices for a very long time -- one misstep does not take that away from you. Furthermore, you don't see what others see -- you are a very intelligent, successful person with a thriving career and a wonderful marriage! You have what most people dream about -- so you are going to let a tiny little weight gain or binge get you down?

When you go home for Thanksgiving, people will be happy to see you and probably won't notice the small gain. And if they do, well then they are just petty. Enjoy turkey, some vegetables and reasonable servings of your favorite foods. By the weekend, you can hop back on low carb. Know that your husband loves you and supports you. You just got a big raise and recognition at work too! Look at all the good things in your life and don't let some silly number on a scale (that is likely to change anyway) ruin your outlook on your life or your progress! Remember: you are a hero to many of this board!
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Old 11-21-2012, 05:58 PM   #484
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Originally Posted by GailyGail View Post
Jennifer, I know you feel really awful right now but please, for the love of God, stop beating yourself up. You are making yourself feel worse. Next, you are not giving yourself enough credit for all of the progress you have made in key areas such as: 1) losing a ton of weight by sticking to healthy habits; 2) reducing the binges; 3) knowing how to stop a binge before it happens and 4) having the self-awareness to admit a binge when it does happen. Girl, you have made so much progress and you are heading in the right direction -- so please stop getting down on yourself.

You may feel like you have no choices or control -- but you do and you have consistently made the right choices for a very long time -- one misstep does not take that away from you. Furthermore, you don't see what others see -- you are a very intelligent, successful person with a thriving career and a wonderful marriage! You have what most people dream about -- so you are going to let a tiny little weight gain or binge get you down?

When you go home for Thanksgiving, people will be happy to see you and probably won't notice the small gain. And if they do, well then they are just petty. Enjoy turkey, some vegetables and reasonable servings of your favorite foods. By the weekend, you can hop back on low carb. Know that your husband loves you and supports you. You just got a big raise and recognition at work too! Look at all the good things in your life and don't let some silly number on a scale (that is likely to change anyway) ruin your outlook on your life or your progress! Remember: you are a hero to many of this board!
Gail. You said all the things to Jen that I wanted to. We are with you Jen. Hugs!
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Old 11-21-2012, 06:01 PM   #485
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I have been sick and am just getting back on the computer. There is a nasty bug that has wound its way through my family. Hope none of you get it! I am still weak and shaky but am out of bed! So Thanksgiving is not going to be the usual large family gathering. I will miss that. Our daughter and family will be here so it will just be 6 of us.

Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!
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Old 11-22-2012, 08:19 AM   #486
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Happy American Thanksgiving

Thinking about you today and everyday Jennifer

Gail

Feel better soon Dianne
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Old 11-24-2012, 06:27 PM   #487
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Happy Saturday .... we were falling to the second page.

FYI - I want to kill my DH
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Old 11-25-2012, 11:19 AM   #488
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Cindy, hope you are okay. Jennifer, we are thinking of you and hope the holiday time goes smoothly. Please let us know how you are doing. We are a little worried about you but please know that comes from a good place.
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Old 11-25-2012, 05:16 PM   #489
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Thanks everyone for the pep talks, hugs, and concern. I am truly thankful for all of you

Unfortunately I am not doing well at all. I decided not to go home for Thanksgiving (used the stomach flu excuse); I just couldn't face everyone when I have gained all this weight (I won't get on the scale but I would estimate 20-25 lbs) since the last time they saw me - a mere month ago! My plan was to have 1 last binge day on Wed then use Thurs-Sun to get back on plan and get off as much excess weight as possible before returning to work Monday. Instead I binged every day & had to buy new clothes yesterday because nothing fits.

I am simply beside myself - ashamed, horrified, terrified that I did this to myself. Not because of the weight gain - but because I binged. If I had simply gone off plan here and there and gained the weight back over a year I'd probably be OK. But the lack of control in myself and in my life in general is what scares me to death. I feel so hopeless and have no faith that I can recover and do this again. Having to go back to work tomorrow, missing time with my family (my choice, but it was all my fault), no clothes that fit = stressing me out so bad that I honestly don't know what to do. I know this sounds so vain, but I don't want anyone to see me this way because the only compliments I get are about my weight loss, and it seems like the only thing people want to talk to me about (when they don't need something from me work-related). Now I feel that I have ruined the only thing that made me a worthy person. I really do appreciate all the things you all have written, but I just see a mean, bitter, unhappy, depressed, inept person who has ruined the only thing she has ever accomplished.

My whole body is bloated & I look like a balloon, and DH tells me he likes me at this size. He says I look younger because my face is filled out, and I have curves. And if I hadn't been much smaller, I would agree, and I was fine at this size on my way down, but this drastic of a change in such a short time is killing me. It's so embarrassing, and I die inside when I think of all I have eaten in this past month. Literally hundreds of dollars of junk food of all kinds - chips, candy, ice cream, cookies, cake, brownies. Last night I ate in one sitting - 3 king sized candy bars, 1 movie theatre sized box of m&m's, 8oz of cashews, cranberry bliss bar from Starbucks & 3 bakery-sized brownies. And I have been doing this everyday for a month. WTH IS WROING WITH ME????? My actions have consequences not just for me but for others, but still I don't seem to give a ****. Right now I honestly feel hopeless and worthless.
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Old 11-25-2012, 06:09 PM   #490
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Jennifer, I honestly don't know what to say besides you are not the person you are describing. We all love you on here and you are a worthy person. I am just so truly sorry you have to go through this. I wish I lived close as I would be over at your house in a heartbeat.

I don't know enough about you but have you tried taking antidepressants? I know that some people are totally against them but for me they were a lifesaver. If you have a chemical imbalance that is causing depression, there is not much you can do without some kind of help such as the drugs. They don't change you but help you from getting so low. I know that you are self-medicating with food as that is what I used to do. What you ate at one sitting would be something I would have done, too. When I have thought, oh I don't need the AD and go off them, I ended up hitting bottom again. I find in a few months or less that I am a crying basket case and my one doctor threatened to no longer be my doctor if I would not follow his advice and quit making medical decisions without discussing them with him. I have done that too many times in my life to realize that I need them. So JMHO.

Whatever you decide to do, we are all here for you. I am so sorry you had to miss Thanksgiving with the family. I would have done exactly like you. Don't miss Christmas though, you need to see them.
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Old 11-25-2012, 08:49 PM   #491
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Thanks Dianne. I appreciate your understanding and admitting that you would have done the same thing. And saying that you would come to my house I hope you are feeling better and had a nice holiday.

I am not opposed to AD at all. I took them before trying to get pregnant, then I was put on thyroid medication which was supposed to help with depression. Obviously the thyroid meds haven't helped, so I will talk to my doctor about AD when I see him at the beginning of January. I have Xanax that my old endo prescribed, but it doesn't help so I don't take it very often. I'm afraid the doctor will not be able to prescribe a daily med because all of the information I have about Synthroid says not to take an AD with it, but something has got to give. I will give up my thyroid meds if that's what it takes.

Unfortunately I will not be able to go home for Christmas. My office is only closed on the holiday itself, so I will be working Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I had already requested Thanksgiving off when the other supervisor found out her class reunion was this weekend (we are from the same city, coincidentally). I offered to switch holidays and she declined, but the first thing I thought of was I should be at work so she can go home. But I was going to stay home and work on getting back on track eating wise...that didn't work out. I also had to cancel the pet/house sitters and will cancel them for this coming weekend also. I will still pay them, but my co-worker could have gone home, and DH could have seen his family and vice versa, so my actions affected others and I feel so awful about that. Probably a big part of why I continued to binge, along with karma, I guess. DH said he didn't mind staying here (I wanted him to go without me), but I know he wanted to see his family. At least he will see them this weekend.

I do think that a root cause of all of this is my job. I absolutely dread going back tomorrow, but a lot of that dread is because of my weight since that's alll anyone wants to talk about. I also know that I will be stressed beginning the second I walk into the building, but if I quit I will be stressed about finances. And besides, I don't want to go there one more day much less the 2 weeks notice I would have to give, so why bother.
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Old 11-25-2012, 09:17 PM   #492
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Oh Jennifer, a vicious circle with work, etc. I am on thyroid medicine too and it hasn't affected my meds. So I would definitely find out. The thyroid med alone would not have fixed my depression, I know, because I tried. Now with my dad, taking thyroid medication totally helped his moods. I had a hard time at first taking AD because in my mind I should be able to do it without. I think that is why I tried so many times to do without them. But I have finally realized, I can't. I have been on them for probably 10 years or so. What a difference in my life after taking them continuously and not trying to go off all the time. I know my husband was happy once I got things on an even keel. You and I are soul mates, you just didn't know it. So very much of what you write is me now or in the past. I am really thankful I am not alone with these struggles. I can say, it will get better, but it is a learning thing. IMHO. Please feel free to message me or if you want I will even text. Never thought I would say that texting would be part of my communication but in the last few years, it has.

I hope you can face work tomorrow with less dread. I hope the week goes much better than you are thinking it will.

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Old 11-26-2012, 04:06 AM   #493
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Jennifer, I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. Look at it this way: the reason why people want to talk to you about weight loss/weight issues is because you have been so successful. They admire you and want to emulate your success -- and that feels like a huge burden for you. You probably feel like you have to be this perfect skinny string bean success story for these people -- but the reality is that you don't. The only person you need to please is yourself. I agree with Dianne's suggestion about the antidepressants. Before you see your doctor in January, you may want to consider seeing a therapist who specializes in depression and eating issues. I did that and it saved my life.

I only wish that you could see yourself the way others see you. You are a wonderful person and a true success regardless of any number on the scale.
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Old 11-26-2012, 06:24 PM   #494
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Jennifer ~ I'm so thankful that you posted. Like Dianne, I wish we lived closer because I would love to come and give you an "in person" hug.

Ditto what Dianne and Gail have said and know that when you described what you have been eating, it sounds very familiar.

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Old 11-27-2012, 07:32 AM   #495
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Good Morning Jennifer ~ Thinking about you today
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Old 11-27-2012, 11:00 AM   #496
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Thinking of you today Jen. Hope your week is going better than you anticipated.
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Old 11-27-2012, 09:32 PM   #497
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Thanks everyone!

I'm doing OK, no binging for 2 days so that's a start.

Mentally and emotionally I'm all over the place.

I really appreciate each of you! Thank you so much for the support; it means the world to me
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Old 11-27-2012, 09:51 PM   #498
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I'm happy that you are doing okay
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Old 11-27-2012, 10:42 PM   #499
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Good to hear from you, Jen. Good job on 2 days binge free. I hear you on the mental and emotional being all over the place. It will get better. Hope you have a good Wednesday. You have all of us pulling for you.
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Old 11-29-2012, 09:35 PM   #500
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Hi!

I'm doing ok - 4 days cheat/binge free. I will be home alone all weekend (my choice), so I am just hoping to make it through unscathed.

I will post more over the weekend. I have a lot of thoughts jumbled in my head, and will try to make some sort of sense of them this weekend. Right now I'm coasting along in denial and feeling like I'm not myself. Like I'm in some strange limbo, going through the motions but not feeling like me Denial I think. I don't want to face my feelings and the hard work I have in front of me to stay binge free.
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Old 11-29-2012, 09:58 PM   #501
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Woo Hoo on 4 days. Small baby steps. You've done it before and you can do it again.

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Old 11-29-2012, 10:58 PM   #502
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Jen. You can do this. You are a strong person.
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Old 11-30-2012, 01:42 AM   #503
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Four days binge free is GREAT. We are so proud of you!
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Old 11-30-2012, 09:26 AM   #504
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Happy Friday
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Old 12-01-2012, 12:40 PM   #505
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Just stopping by to let you know I'm thinking about you
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Old 12-01-2012, 08:44 PM   #506
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I've made it 5 days binge free which I am thrilled about. Last night was hard - I had to go to the grocery store & the drug store and it seemed like there were temptations everywhere. I wanted so badly to buy up a bunch of junk & sit in my sweats and scarf it all down, but I knew that wouldn't solve a thing. DH is at his cousin's wedding about an hour from here, so I have 2 days alone which would normally be prime binging time.

Speaking of the wedding, I decided not to go last week when I was binging. It was all about how much weight I had gained. I don't feel as bad about that now, but I still didn't want to have to deal with drinks, dinner, wedding cake. I feel awful that not being strong enough to resist food is keeping me from doing things. On the bight side I did get a lot of work done, and that kept me occupied and not going out to buy crap food or ordering delivery.

My mind is a big jumble of 'what's next?'. I always have to have a plan - no spontaneity here! I've been staying l/c and eating 3 meals & snacks when hungry, which is good, but I have to lose as much weight as possible for my 1/4/13 dr's appt. I was 131.5 when I last saw him at the end of Sept, and I don't want to be too much more than that. At this time of year you can always blame 10 lbs on the holidays but that means I can't indulge even a little this season. But honestly, indulge and a little do not go together for me - I don't indulge, I INDULGE.

So until 1/4 I am going to (hopefully) remain binge-free, low carb, and saying no thank you when offered something off plan. That's good for now. It's after that that I have to decide what to do. I am considering 2 options: 1)hcg 2)working on stopping the binging without worrying about weight loss (or gain)

1)HCg is certainly extreme, especially for a binger, but I set my goal weight very low to account for binging, and HCg would probably get me there within a month or so. Also, my birthday is 1/11 and we plan to go home for the weekend, so that would be perfect load days. And brutal, embarrassing honesty here: I think I would be OK with binging if I had the wiggle room weight-wise

2)Working to stop the binging once and for all is by far the healthiest and most logical option, but not only am I not 100% sure I want to stop (see above), but I'm really not sure that I can stop. I'm truly hoping to prove myself wrong, but history has taught me I can't. And every time I've tried to stop the binging by giving into cravings, eventually I've binged anyway. So confused about what to do

For now I will keep on doing what I can, hopefully staying low carb & binge free, and going into Scarlett O'Hara mode about my next steps.

to all, and sincere thanks for all the kind words and encouragement. Words cannot express how much they & you all mean to me!
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Old 12-02-2012, 06:48 AM   #507
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Yay! Five days binge free is awesome! You should feel really proud of yourself -- you are doing this! Don't feel bad about missing the wedding either -- you needed some time to yourself to formulate a plan and get centered around it. Love it that your birthday is 1/11 -- you are a Capricorn which means that you like plans, structure and being well-organized. As a Virgo, I totally understand! Having a plan and being well prepared puts you on the road to success and achieving your goals.

You will make it through the holidays just fine. I am going to have lots of low carb options around me at all times. That eliminates the temptation to cheat!

I have heard lots of good things about HCG -- people seem to get great results on it. I also think it is okay if you have an occasional binge provided that it does not get too out of control and make you feel awful. Your second option sounds equally good -- that is something that a friend of mine does. She lost 60 pounds on South Beach and then went into maintenance mode when she hit her goal weight of 125 pounds. At first, maintenance was tough because she still wanted her favorite foods like onion rings, cupcakes, ice cream, chips, etc. So she gave herself permission to have three or four "cheat days" per month where she can eat whatever she wants with no boundaries or restrictions -- as long as she hops back on the low carb bandwagon the next day. In doing so, she has maintained her goal weight and her sanity.

Either way you go, you will be successful Jennifer! Please know that!

Have a GREAT Sunday!
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Old 12-02-2012, 02:33 PM   #508
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Yay! Five days binge free is awesome! You should feel really proud of yourself -- you are doing this! Don't feel bad about missing the wedding either -- you needed some time to yourself to formulate a plan and get centered around it. Love it that your birthday is 1/11 -- you are a Capricorn which means that you like plans, structure and being well-organized. As a Virgo, I totally understand! Having a plan and being well prepared puts you on the road to success and achieving your goals.

You will make it through the holidays just fine. I am going to have lots of low carb options around me at all times. That eliminates the temptation to cheat!

I have heard lots of good things about HCG -- people seem to get great results on it. I also think it is okay if you have an occasional binge provided that it does not get too out of control and make you feel awful. Your second option sounds equally good -- that is something that a friend of mine does. She lost 60 pounds on South Beach and then went into maintenance mode when she hit her goal weight of 125 pounds. At first, maintenance was tough because she still wanted her favorite foods like onion rings, cupcakes, ice cream, chips, etc. So she gave herself permission to have three or four "cheat days" per month where she can eat whatever she wants with no boundaries or restrictions -- as long as she hops back on the low carb bandwagon the next day. In doing so, she has maintained her goal weight and her sanity.

Either way you go, you will be successful Jennifer! Please know that!

Have a GREAT Sunday!
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Old 12-02-2012, 02:39 PM   #509
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Location: LaLa Land
Posts: 2,839
Gallery: NWLoser
Stats: 235/115
WOE: LC/Atkins
Start Date: 12/06 Final Time!
Jen You are doing great. You expect yourself to be perfect as far as eating and it will never happen. I can never be perfect about eating and have accepted that. I have days I eat too much and I just go on from there. Don't be so hard on yourself as you are a GREAT SUCCESS. We love you and I for one, admire you.

Have you ever read about Sugar Free Shelia? She is on this board and she allows herself one night, I think it is, to eat whatever she wants and then back to the sugar free eating. Maybe that kind of plan would work for you?

Whatever you decide, we are here for you.

Hope everyone is having a good Sunday.
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Old 12-02-2012, 02:45 PM   #510
Way too much time on my hands!
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Planet Jen
Posts: 11,097
Gallery: Jennifer
WOE: Atkins
Start Date: on and off, up and down since 1/30/07
My post was lost!! Of course it was brilliant and thought-provoking, with just the right touch of humor

<---> not lol, but screaming!!

I will brb
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