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Old 03-09-2013, 12:37 PM   #1951
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I'm angry, hurt and I need to vent.

I told my sister that at last year's horses' ball, very nice things sold for far less than their value, such as a pair of Hot Air Balloon rides that went for a song. Well, she didn't want to come to the ball as my guest so I offered to call her from the ball to tell her what things were up for auction. This was after finding out if this was even allowed. As long as I had a signed check of hers, that would work.

Well, she was so opposed to giving me a signed check and she was literally laughing her @$$ off with her husband, creating scenarios of where I might go or what I might do with a blank check of theirs. They had a real "ball" of their own. Then this morning I wake up to find she's changed her mind and wants to drop off a check for me to take to the ball tonight.

I'm already a little pissed off and it feels like I should have just said, "Shove your check" but I tell her to bring it over. She comes and she's not wearing appropriate footwear so I put on my boots and meet her at the street. She hands me a blank check and she tries to give me a slip of paper to show me how I should sign her name. I said "No way am I signing your name for you." So she relents but she'll only sign her name if she can write the name of where the check is going to. I say "fine."

She's laughing at everything I say. This nervous, ridiculous laughter that has no bearing on anything I'm saying. It's all funny to her. I said, "I can handle it. I'm NOT A CHILD." She's laughing. I am even more pissed now than I was before.

Now I'm feeling since she is so clueless as to the total GIFT I am presenting to her, that I feel ashamed that I'm going to go through all this and all I'll end up doing is taking something nice away from someone who actually paid $75 to attend the event. And I'm going to be standing there like some insider trading person, calling the absentee bidder to see how high she wants to go.

I'm pissed, people. I feel like I should torch the check right now before I even set foot out the door. I'm humiliated and feeling so.... I don't even know what the word is! She has no clue what I'm offering to do for her, but she feels she's vulnerable in trusting me with this signed check. I could just about scream right now.

I didn't need to have this undercurrent of feelings running in my mind and heart before going into a situation where there is alcohol and considering my tension relating to social settings. I doubt I'll even call my sister to tell her of anything that's up for auction. $%^@# her! I'll video tape myself burning the check and email her the video. There.

I had to say all this because I felt if I held it inside, it would come out later at the Ball in a negative and inebriated way. Better to cut myself and bleed right here on LCF. I don't feel a single bit better but maybe after I push "post" I will.
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Old 03-09-2013, 01:12 PM   #1952
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Nope. I still don't feel better. I'm thinking of just staying home. I can already see this night turning to @%$^ before my very eyes. Better to make an excuse as to why I couldn't come.
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Old 03-09-2013, 01:15 PM   #1953
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Yes, that's rather annoying. Hope you can let it go.

Here's a new thought to dwell on.
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8
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Old 03-09-2013, 01:36 PM   #1954
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Cheryl ss that you are going through this ! If it were me, I would probably call and tell her you are mailing her check/shredding her check and you won't be calling during the auction. Then just go and try to have a great time.
Not sure why she acted like that. You were trying to do something nice for her, she will see that later...
Hope you can relax and enjoy your evening out (hugs)
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Old 03-09-2013, 04:08 PM   #1955
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Agree with Laura, I probably wouldn't use her check at all if she was so uncomfortable with the whole idea. I realize you're already there now so I hope you do have a good time anyway!
We can't do anything about anyone else, sigh.

Agree with Debbie too; that's a great and calming verse, one of my favorites.

But I do know that when we're shocked by behavior we can't understand it can take awhile to get to the place where that verse can help.

Last edited by pendragginp; 03-09-2013 at 04:10 PM..
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Old 03-09-2013, 06:36 PM   #1956
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Yes, for me its a "decision"... when I don't feel like it. It is hard... but staying upset is even worse.
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Old 03-09-2013, 06:42 PM   #1957
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Troo.
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Old 03-09-2013, 08:47 PM   #1958
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Hello, lovely ladies! I went, although I didn't know I was actually going until I walked to the car. I decided to take it one step at a time. I washed my face. I put on my makeup. I washed my hair. I shaved my legs. (Not in this exact order, but you get my drift.) I put on my skirt and top and them my faux pearl jewelry, then the next thing I knew, I was heading to the car.

The old me would have just stayed home and made some excuse. I'm so glad I took it one step at a time and then decided to take the next step, and then the next. That got me where I needed to be and it was an experience that I think I can use for the rest of my life, whenever I'm faced with something I would just rather not do.

I had a really nice time. I drank wine and didn't get wasted. I even had beer before I left for the "Gala" and I thought for sure that was going to come back to haunt me. It was a lovely evening and I know I would have been missed if I hadn't gone. I felt (and always do feel) appreciated by them.

I bid on a few things but the only thing I won was during the live auction. It's a fabulous quilt with several lovely designs of horses on some of the squares. I told myself I wouldn't go above $150 and that's what I got it for. It's truly a treasure. Not sure where I'll hang it or if I'll use it for bedding but it's a lovely quilt.

I lost out on an hour Reiki session with the program director (she said she usually works with the losing bidders and gives them time, anyway. She got called away in the middle of telling me that so I don't know exactly how that works) and I also got out-bid on two bottles of wine with two glasses in a wicker basket. I guess that was God's will.

There was nothing at the Gala that my sister would have wanted to bid on anyway, so I just texted her to tell her that, and said I'd destroy her check when I got back home. That's the end of that. Live and learn. If someone offered to do something like that for me, you'd better believe I'd know the value of what they were offering. But I felt better not bidding for her. It would have cheated someone who paid good money to attend the Ball. That would have been a very crappy thing. It was all meant to play out as it did.

I looked pretty but I had this annoying muffin top over my pantyhose. I couldn't get rid of it so I just decided to forget it was there. I did my best to look my best and then just tried to be the best person I could be. A great plan of action.

Sipping on the last beer in my refrigerator now and about to go to bed. My trusty Mother reminded me to turn the clocks AHEAD tonight, so I'll go do that now. Sleep tight, my friends. Thanks for prayers and cares you sent my way tonight. Love yous.

Last edited by CherylB; 03-09-2013 at 09:32 PM..
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Old 03-10-2013, 07:34 AM   #1959
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I'm so happy for you Cheryl. That's a huge victory for you, on so many levels. PTL!
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Old 03-10-2013, 08:26 AM   #1960
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Great news Cheryl Just what I was hoping to hear !
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Old 03-10-2013, 09:31 AM   #1961
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Good job Cheryl!
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Old 03-10-2013, 10:24 AM   #1962
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Thank you, my darling friends. It was definitely a good thing, as Martha Stewart used to always say.

Today I dry out and also begin my weight loss plan. It's just something I've decided to follow for a while so nothing I want to go into detail about. Then tomorrow night, my first Antabuse gets swallowed.

I took a weight today to see where I'm at. No wonder it was nearly impossible to get my Queen-sized pantyhose up and over all my chub. So very eye-opening. But it's as bad as it's going to get. Down the hill of chub-dom I go!

It feels very Spring-like today. Lovely! Hope is in the air.

Have a wonderful day, ladies.
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Old 03-10-2013, 11:34 AM   #1963
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This is the quilt I bid on and won last night!
Attached Images
File Type: jpg 016.jpg (33.6 KB, 4 views)
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File Type: jpg 018.jpg (55.4 KB, 2 views)
File Type: jpg 019.jpg (38.2 KB, 2 views)
File Type: jpg 020.jpg (36.6 KB, 1 views)
File Type: jpg 021.jpg (63.0 KB, 7 views)
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Old 03-10-2013, 12:58 PM   #1964
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Cheryl, I am so PROUD of you for doing this! It just warms my heart to think of you out in the world, mingling among the people with whom you share a common passion. Girl, you have really made some steps as a person this year--moving, starting a job, doing some socializing outside your family. Bully for you!!
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Old 03-10-2013, 02:49 PM   #1965
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Thank you. sweetie. I hope to add a few more things to that list this year.
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Old 03-10-2013, 04:00 PM   #1966
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Nice quilt! Congrats on winning it

Good time for a new beginning... Spring!

Funny story about panty hose (to go with yours)... I put on a pair of panty hose (because I wore a dress today)... Well, the top part was all stretchy, didn't think much of it, just that they were too big... then after I got out of the car, I realized they slipped down to my lower hips! (falling off)! So, in the bathroom I go, pull em up... after each time I sat down, down they fell... so I went to my office & got my "duct-tape" & made a waist-band to keep them up. Funny, but it worked... only, when I had to go to the bathroom again, I couldn't get them down! Guess I better buy some that fit. hehee
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Old 03-10-2013, 04:17 PM   #1967
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They were only baggy on top? How weird! I hate pantyhose with a passion. I remember I used to wear B's in my 20's. I guess I need 2x or something now. Better to just stick to slacks and say the hell with them.

I'm glad you like the quilt. It was the one thing that caught my eye when I was looking around at what there was to bid on. I'm glad it's now mine but I'm having trouble figuring out where to hang it. I want it to stay nice.

How was your day, Debby?
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Old 03-10-2013, 04:27 PM   #1968
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They were the "control-top" kind that somehow lost its control. Garbage now!

The day has been marvelous! Sermon was excellent, as usual, and fellowship. I really enjoyed the nice, quiet time with dh "out"... and its still a beautiful day. I'm 3 hours behind you, so still daytime.

Took Shelby for her "run" beside the car... she's slowed down! Not quite time to make her go all out yet anyway, but she's not in as good a shape for running... that 1.5 weeks of rest shows. Might be partly the melty road too though.

Time to work "my" body out... doing laundry, don't feel like scrubbing today.

Have a great evening!
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Old 03-10-2013, 04:30 PM   #1969
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I'm glad you had a nice day. I was just posting on your journal and read of the trouble finding a restaurant. Enjoy the rest of your afternoon and evening.
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Old 03-10-2013, 07:08 PM   #1970
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Wow.... I never wear regular panty hose...... i will wear the "thigh highs" if I HAVE to That was funny picturing you trying to keep your drawers up in church !! haha !

Cheryl. Love the quilt. So pretty. Glad you got to get yourself something ! Was so happy to hear you had a good time
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Old 03-11-2013, 08:36 PM   #1971
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Hi Cheryl!

How you doing? Hope you had a good day!
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Old 03-11-2013, 11:01 PM   #1972
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Originally Posted by DebbyL View Post
Yes, that's rather annoying. Hope you can let it go.

Here's a new thought to dwell on.
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8
New Living Translation (NLT)
I love that verse! Goes well with "take every thought captive" it's a discipline like exercise or anything else. Practice, setting our minds on things above!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by shelby'snana View Post
Cheryl ss that you are going through this ! If it were me, I would probably call and tell her you are mailing her check/shredding her check and you won't be calling during the auction. Then just go and try to have a great time.
Not sure why she acted like that. You were trying to do something nice for her, she will see that later...
Hope you can relax and enjoy your evening out (hugs)
That's what I'd have suggested too, if I saw it in time .

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Originally Posted by verbqueen View Post
Cheryl, I am so PROUD of you for doing this! It just warms my heart to think of you out in the world, mingling among the people with whom you share a common passion. Girl, you have really made some steps as a person this year--moving, starting a job, doing some socializing outside your family. Bully for you!!
yep! ITA! Glad you had a good time at the ball!

I'm glad to hear of the fresh start you're making. I hope things continue to go well for you. Sounds like you're making great choices and setting yourself up for a wonderful season. So happy for you!
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Old 03-12-2013, 06:54 AM   #1973
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Hello, ladies. I can actually say "good morning" and not just have it be a greeting. I woke with the alarm this morning and my eyes were wide open so I knew there was little point in trying to sleep longer. It's raining and dreary and would have been the PERFECT day to sleep-away, but alas. My body has other ideas.

I have the day off, so I'm thankful for that. It will be a miserable day at the farm. Supposed to rain like hell all day up until around 7pm.

I'm on day 3 of no drinking and it will be my second day of taking the Antabuse. I will have to track how my feelings and mood go along as I get deeper into it. If I was right the first time (about it affecting my mood) I will have some thinking to do. It's a tough thing to take a pill that makes you feel worse though.

And if you can believe it, I'm starting to get discouraged about my job. It's turning out to be something other than what I hoped it would be. It can't just be doing the job for which I was hired, because of the type of facility we are. We are continually recruiting more volunteers and these volunteers (although they are supposed to have horse experience) often don't know "squat." So instead of them being there to help you, you are helping and training them. Frankly, that sucks.

And as of next month, we start Program again. This is nice but it means that the place is then crawling with people. People heading in every sort of direction, trying to do their little piece of the puzzle. Communication is an issue and at our staff meeting yesterday (the first of its kind), we got to talk about such issues.

Here's my problem. I don't do chaos. I just don't. And people are tough for me to take. That's why I'm working with animals and keep my primary friendships online. When I was a volunteer, I could change my days to avoid the afternoons when they had Program. I can't do that anymore. I will be in the thick of it, which means they call us into the arena to help with Program and often forget we are there to do barn chores and care for the horses.

This is going to be "a hot mess", as the manager likes to say. And in the midst of all this hub-bub, there is another lady who is trotting around with her clipboard, trying to see if one of us can fill-in to be a side-walker or a leader in the class that is now beginning because so-and-so didn't show up (or call.)

I'm concerned that this might be more than I can handle, with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart. I need the job and the money and I love that I'm becoming a horse person (this is taking much more time and effort than I ever thought it would). But it requires so much of my life. There is usually at least one meeting or orientation each week, and that's going to sky-rocket with Program resuming.

All those times are not paid. They can't be because they are operating on a shoe-string budget. I understand that and I have no complaint with that. I'm just beginning to wonder what I might have gotten myself into.

Yesterday, our staff meeting started at 2:30pm. I had barn chores yesterday afternoon but the meeting ran until 5. I've never gone out there that late. I'm usually beginning at 3:30. I tried to chill out and relax, knowing that I was having help (a volunteer; very new) and the manager. But I got that rush-rush "I'm late!" feeling and once that's running through my veins, it's hard to get rid of.

The meeting was good but we kept getting pulled off-track. People are busy and distracted with other things on their plates and we'd have to pull them back into the meeting at hand and get them refocused on what we were doing there.

If life is like a river and we are like the stones in the river, I realize that the water smooths us and polishes us and removes all our rough edges. I like that visual but the removing of the rough edges is no picnic. I want to be smooth. I really do! But how do I get there from here?

Last edited by CherylB; 03-12-2013 at 06:56 AM..
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Old 03-12-2013, 07:01 AM   #1974
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PS: I haven't been able to get through a single day without a binge eating episode in the evening. I am still in the 200's and won't be near the 100's for a while, even with behaving well. The weight is also part of why I'm feeling the way I am. I need to get that back under control. That will help me immensely.
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Old 03-12-2013, 07:27 AM   #1975
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Good morning Cheryl!

Sounds so busy! Wow. Hope you can find your "sweet-spot" with work & eating. 1 step at a time, you're doing so well.

I like your smoothing the rocks picture... it sure is. Guess we just have to let it flow... trusting the master with the end result.

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Old 03-12-2013, 07:31 AM   #1976
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Thanks, honey. Maybe I'll go walk along a local river and choose the perfect stone and keep it in my pocket whenever I'm at work. When I start feeling frayed I can find a quiet, private place (even it that's the bathroom) and hold the stone. I can close my eyes, pray to God and let the stone infuse me with peace. God is "The Rock of Ages", after all.

Have a great day, Debby.
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Old 03-12-2013, 07:54 AM   #1977
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sorry your job has "taken on a life of it's own" and is more than you bargained for . (hugs) Do you think when the weather gets better it might not be as hard - physically ? I know the stress will still be there though...... Hope you get some time to yourself to think things through.
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Old 03-12-2013, 08:22 AM   #1978
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I think the job is a blessing. Not only is it a financial provision, but it's pushing you way out of your comfort zone. This is a good thing, although painful for a while. Like you said, it's going to scrape off those rough edges, areas that are not your strengths, and will be uncomfortable. The trying of your faith will develop patience and perseverance in you. It's good stuff! Painful, but valuable! Take it one day at a time, each day has enough trouble of its own . And, you'll be able to provide good help to the horses and the facility. Training volunteers isn't fun, but if you remember, that's how you started, right? Someone trained you. Pay it forward, and maybe you'll get a valuable asset in a regular who can actually help you. You never know. Be open to it, let God direct your steps and see where He leads. He has you there for a reason. Maybe you can help make the organization and communication better ?

As for diet, that's a thorn we all will have for life. Make good choices today. Get good healthy food for the house, that way when the munches hit, you'll have salad or pickles as indulgences. you can do it!! Summer is around the corner. You'll want to be ready for it!
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Old 03-12-2013, 09:43 AM   #1979
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Cheryl, when you visualize the future, as we all do when we are thinking and planning, there is NO REASON not to form the most positive possible picture in your mind. I believe that the pictures we form in our minds of ourselves in future situations strongly influence the way things turn out! So while I believe it's best to live our lives in the present moment and fully savor and realize each day for its own blessings, I think it's CRUCIAL to visualize most positive possible outcome when we think about the future.

So when you think of the coming warm season at the farm, in your mind's eye see yourself as trim and fit and energetic, as a warm and positive source of learning and motivation for the new people. Picture yourself as filled with satisfaction and joy at being an integral part of such a wonderful mission--uniting people with animals for healing!

If negative pictures of the future creep in, push them aside and replace them happy ones. That's how we make our own dreams come true!
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Old 03-12-2013, 10:32 AM   #1980
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Very sound advice, ladies. I will "think on these things", as you all said. So much possibility and I know it. I've known it all along. But it will test the very parts of me that I have yet to come close to conquering. I will lean heavily on the Lord and I will visualize, and all that stuff. I need to better-utilize my free time and make it more like "prep time" for the farm. Less kick-back-and-veg time.

And the diet issue has just been somewhat solved for me. I have just done my checking account balance and even with the payday coming up on the 20th, I'm done for the month. The cash I have on hand will need to go into the gas tank so no more shenanigans for me. I have finished all my playing around for this month.

Challenges abound! I will rise up to meet them, with God's help and love. And the support from my dear friends!
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