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Old 03-05-2012, 03:51 PM   #331
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Thanks for the hugs, ladies. I think I may be in such a low state of mental health right now that I can't just jump from where I've been this past weekend to P2. I am sober today but the food is already over what could be considered "VLC." I'm going to see how I feel in a few days and see how much I can handle. Might as well do this right.

Have a good night, ladies.
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Old 03-05-2012, 05:42 PM   #332
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My sweet friend, thank you for opening up and being so honest. It does feel nice to get our burdens off of us. Remember that you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. YOU don't have to do it when you cast all your burdens on Him. Just take it day by day, minute by minute even. People are made to be addicted to something. God just wants it to be Him, but our sin nature makes it hard. That's why we stumble, fall and He lifts us back up again. Don't forget that He is always with you no matter what!

If it were me, I might take one thing at a time. Don't worry about the "Diet" right now, but focusing on letting the wine go. When we try to "conquer" too many things at once, we get overwhelmed. TRUST ME, I do this all the time and fall flat on my face!! Just do what will help you the most and then slowly add in new changes. YOU CAN DO IT!!!! You are stronger than you think!

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Old 03-06-2012, 10:13 AM   #333
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Thank you, Stacey.

I just got word from my Dr regarding my thyroid lab levels. They are saying that I'm OVER medicated! How could that be when I feel so deeply depressed? I just don't trust that info.

I was just talking with my sister (between last paragraph and this one) and we are both going through some insane period of being completely out of control with our eating and doing things that make ABSOLUTELY no sense whatsoever. Her son is getting married in 4 months and she was like 13 lbs from her goal a while back and she has regained a bunch and now she's struggling day by day to just get through "today" and staying on plan. So, here we are going through our own personal torment.

I told her that I would join her in abstinence (booze first) and then when I was over the booze issue that I would try and do a few days of a liquid fast, like protein shakes or something. In the past, that has helped me to "get a grip" and break the cycle of "chewing madness." So, that's the plan as of the past 5 minutes.

I am going to the farm in a couple of hours and I hope no one asks me where I was last Saturday (the orientation.) I hope it just slips into the past and no harm has been done. All I know is that if I want to make a life and have respect and be dependable and be someone who can be relied upon, it's now or never. I can't mess this chance up. I'm the closest I've ever been to living a passion and I can't let anything else get in the way of that.

Sunny and dry today with a 100% chance of mud at the farm. Will wear the right boots, for sure.
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Old 03-06-2012, 05:47 PM   #334
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Well, today was an eye-opener. When I was walking back to my car after equine care, it came out that when I "called in sick" a week ago last Tuesday, the message wasn't passed along to the other girls. They were just going about their business as if I was coming soon. Well, it was 4:45 pm before they were told that I wasn't coming and then it was a mad dash for the two girls to get all the work done. The full-time girl had been riding horses and exercising them, having no clue I wasn't coming.

I can never again trust that if I call and ask someone to be told something that it will get relayed. I had called at least by 2 pm that day and I wasn't supposed to be there before 4. My jaw hit the floor as soon as this girl told me about what they went through last Tuesday. All I could think of was what they must have been thinking of me the whole time. I couldn't get it out of my mind for a few hours tonight, and obviously it still hasn't left entirely.

Here I am thinking I'm doing this great job and all it takes is one overly busy woman to take a call and not inform the right people in a timely manner. This is going to turn me into a control freak because I'm not willing to have such a crappy reputation there. So, that's that.

The horses all had their turn out coats on today so they were muddy but not from head to tail. The mud was atrocious and deep. The full-time girl had an incident yesterday with one of the horses and she drove herself to the ER to get checked out. The horse became startled while being tied to the side of the barn for grooming and he pulled back with such force that he broke the tie strap and broke free. She (the girl) was knocked to the ground and was laying there stunned and alone for a few minutes until someone noticed her there. I'm not sure how they got the horse back but they did.

She thought she'd broken her nose. She didn't lose consciousness so they didn't do a CT scan or anything. Her nose looked totally normal to me so it must have just been shocking more than traumatic. Anyway, she said she was going to be "a safety nut" from now on and she wants us to tell her or someone else whenever we are going to be in with one of the horses. How that is ever going to work, I don't know. We can't be flagging her down every time we need to go up to a horse alone.

Didn't drink today. Have a meeting with my lawyer tomorrow regarding the bankruptcy and then have guitar class tomorrow night. I have not practiced in two weeks (cancelled last Wednesday due to snow.) I will go and just sit in the back of the room. I'll confess to the instructor that I don't want to be called upon.

So, that's all my exciting news! I hope everyone who is still within the sound of my voice is having a lovely evening.
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Old 03-06-2012, 06:09 PM   #335
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Bad week for noses is all I can say!
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Old 03-06-2012, 06:12 PM   #336
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How's yours doing?
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Old 03-06-2012, 06:19 PM   #337
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Much, much better. Getting ready to venture out into public viewing with a bandage, for the first time!
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Old 03-06-2012, 06:25 PM   #338
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Glad to hear it.
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Old 03-06-2012, 06:33 PM   #339
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WOW!! That makes me mad for you. I hate relying on other people like that too. You explained yourself and then you have to move on. Every time I drive by horses, I think of you. And I live in the sticks, so they are everywhere, so i think of you often and then usually lift you up in prayer! Such a sweet reminder to pray for a friend!

I hope all goes will with the lawyer tomorrow!

I have a busy day tomorrow, but will check in when I can!
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Old 03-06-2012, 06:36 PM   #340
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Awwww! Thanks, Stacey. You are a special lady. I'm sure your prayers will "kick in" for me eventually.
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Old 03-06-2012, 06:40 PM   #341
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Originally Posted by CherylB View Post
Awwww! Thanks, Stacey. You are a special lady. I'm sure your prayers will "kick in" for me eventually.
They are already workin' on ya!
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Old 03-07-2012, 04:53 AM   #342
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Good morning Cheryl. Ive been reading through your journal a bit and say I can really relate to you. I have a very addictive personality and too can have a major problem with wine. It's either all or nothing for me. I have gotten to the point where I get nasty when I drink and even forget a lot of my evenings if I'm not careful. This happens in spurts. I too am sober right now as I cleanse and I'm hoping this helps get rid of some of the cravings for it, though I'll admit they are still very strong. You are a strong woman and you can fight this
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:49 AM   #343
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Thank you so much for sharing that with me, Jackie. I know you have been really going through a very tough time lately and I'm glad that you are doing better. I know I will do better too, but I'm not there yet. I am told my thyroid meds are off so that's part of it. God only knows what else is causing me to feel this badly but someone had better figure it out and change my medications! I can't live like this. Been there, done that.

Have a nice Wednesday, ladies. Off to the lawyer soon.
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Old 03-07-2012, 02:03 PM   #344
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Wishing you good luck with the lawyer, Cheryl.
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Old 03-07-2012, 07:56 PM   #345
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Just checking in. Another sober day in the bag but I've been allowing myself to indulge in food as a reward, as I "detox", so to speak. I never have "DT's" but it does take time for alcohol to leave your system. So I told myself that once I got over the wine-hump that I'd focus on the food-hump. I bought some chocolate flavored Ensures and I'm going to start doing a liquid fast in another day (I think Saturday will be good.) I will do that for a week and then see how I feel. I just need to completely cut myself off from the idea of "food" for a while, while not injuring my health.

So, that's the plan. I hope everyone is well tonight. I will be around but not often. I need to get back in "that place" before I resume my activities here the way I have been. Sometimes you need to get centered and this is one of those times.
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Old 03-08-2012, 04:46 AM   #346
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I'll be rooting for you Cheryl! You don't have to be upbeat or "on" to have us on your side!
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Old 03-08-2012, 08:26 AM   #347
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good luck cheryl! heck, you don't need luck! you can do this, i know you can.
going to try to get out of the house today. i want some new paintings and such for my walls. i also want a new area rug for the living room.
i don't know if i mentioned it, but i had an EMG done yesterday on my legs and yesterday they were sore but now they are really irritated and burning. Not much fun! Today is my MRI at 3:15. so i have to lay for a half hour and hear "BOOM BOOM BOOM!"
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Old 03-08-2012, 08:52 AM   #348
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Thank you, Paula.

Tammy, I'm sorry your legs are burning after that procedure. I hope that 1/2 hour of booming goes quickly for you and that the results are better than you are expecting.

Off to work in the farm office today. Need to be there in an hour. My heart's not in it since she was the woman who failed to tell the girls I wasn't coming a week ago Tuesday. I'll just try to put it behind me and do whatever it is we'll be doing today. The three hours there usually go by pretty fast.

It's a glorious day today! Going to be around 60 degrees and it's sunny. This is the warmest winter we've had in many years and I'm happy for these lovely days!

I meant to say Friday will be my first liquid fast day, not Saturday. I lost a day in my head somewhere. Today is the last day of eating whatever. Then it's back to sanity! Yippee!

Have a great day, ladies. Talk to you again soon.
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Old 03-08-2012, 06:18 PM   #349
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All went well at the office. Well, actually she gave me a really maddening task to complete and it was something I felt completely out-of-sorts with but I accomplished it and it was beautiful! And I learned something.

I'm feeling so much better, ladies! Thank you for all your prayers and support. I'm bagging another sober day as of bedtime tonight and as of tomorrow, I'll be embarking on my protein drink fast for a week. I've been loading with my hhcg pellets so that I won't be hungry during this next week or so of mainly liquids. But I'm confidant that the Ensure's will keep me completely balanced and healthy, and it will give my poor, over-worked GI tract some rest.

So, nighty-nite, ladies. I'm off to bed to watch a movie and then it's another barn day for me tomorrow. I am so thankful to God to be feeling better. It's like the clouds parted and the sun came out. Praise God!
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Old 03-08-2012, 11:44 PM   #350
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Now that sounds like our old Cheryl!! So glad you're feeling more like yourself again.
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Old 03-09-2012, 08:37 AM   #351
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Yep! I feel like I'm back and you have no idea how good this is to say. Well, maybe you do. We've all been there at times.

I did a baseline weight this morning and I know where I'm starting from. Just brewed a fresh, lovely pot of coffee and will be adding cream to each cup (1 T.) I will remember to drink plenty of water (1 quart between 2 mugs of coffee, to keep it balanced) and then have 2-3 Ensures per day. It will be low cal but not low carb. That's fine. I'm sure this will do what I hope it will do.

It will be nice to not have to worry about food for an entire week! If I'm going somewhere, throw some drinks into a cooler and go. Freedom!

Have an excellent Friday, ladies. And a very lovely weekend, as well. I'm off to the farm this afternoon. I am so sick of muddy paddocks, but what can you do? I hear that parts of the year the mud actually does dry up and go away. Looking forward to that!
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Old 03-09-2012, 09:23 AM   #352
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Hi Cheryl! Have a successful liquid fast week!
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Old 03-09-2012, 09:47 AM   #353
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Thanks, sweetie! You keep rocking the hhcg P2 plan and stay away from those rice krispies. Those are for Chloe!
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Old 03-09-2012, 04:45 PM   #354
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Things were different tonight. There were two incidents with the horses this week and now they don't want anyone to groom them but staff members. That's about 25% (if not more) of what we do for them, so this was very sucky. So rake, rake and more rake. Then there is a new teenage (or 20 year old) girl who truly doesn't know how to rake a pile of hay or scoop up an entire pile of manure. I was doing something last-minute in the paddock she was instructed to clean out and there wasn't much evidence that she'd been there. I did what I could as the wind continued to pick up and my hair was flying sideways. Damn it got cold!

So then, before that happened, the founder was riding one of the horses in the arena, exercising him. Her name is Janis. This horse she was riding was the latest one to act up with a volunteer (he reared up in her face when she was doing something in his corral. This same horse was the one I had to corner in order to put his harness on last week and the Equine Manager didn't like my methods. Janis was riding and saw what the horse was doing with me and she said, "Be persistent." Later she said she should have said "Be patient." LOL) Well, this horse started bucking with Janis on his back and about three bucks later, she was on the ground. I saw it happen because it was a different sound when he started stomping in such a way as to buck, so I turned and saw the whole thing. All I could do was yell, "Janis!" She got right back up and said she was okay but later I asked her again and she said she was fine but embarrassed. So the rest of my raking time, I was trying to face her and keep an eye on what was happening with her and that horse.

The other incident was on Monday. One of the more stable horses was attached to the side of the barn for grooming while his life partner Daphne was riding in the arena. He doesn't like to be apart from her and he started to pull back from the lead that was keeping him tied to the barn and one thing led to another and he ended up startling and he broke the strap and knocked the girl to the ground. She drove herself to the ER thinking she had a broken nose. She was on the ground, dazed for a few moments until someone noticed her and I suppose noticed Red running loose.

So, never a dull moment at the farm! But not grooming them sucks and I hope that rule changes fast. It has to because there aren't many staff members to begin with and one of them is leaving for AZ for two weeks.
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Old 03-09-2012, 04:47 PM   #355
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HEY! When did my "odometer" change over from Blabbermouth to Big Yapper? If the shoe fits, ...
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Old 03-09-2012, 05:09 PM   #356
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What a stable day Cheryl! I hope that you get to groom them too. I think that would be my favorite part!

Glad to "hear" your upbeat attitude again. I knew it would come back! I hope the liquid fast works for you too. Sounds like you have a great week planned out. You totally can rock it out!

We had a nice warm day yesterday too. It was in the high 60s and I took the kids to park with friends after they got out of school. They had a blast! Was nice today as well, but a little chillier. I love this warm winter too!

I hope you have a great night, sweet friend!
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Old 03-09-2012, 05:17 PM   #357
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Thanks, Stacey. For everything. I wish all our winters could resemble this one! Don't you? As for the liquid fast, I'm finding out that Chocolate flavored Ensure isn't nearly as yummy as I remember them being. They taste like a Slim Fast to me. So I will drink the 8 that I bought and then look into making something of my own, using Almond Milk, Cocoa powder, Ez Sweetz and stuff like that. I can add protein powder (I have some old stuff) and just pop a Multi-vitamin to make up for what the Ensures would have been giving me.

Have a great night and a very great weekend!
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Old 03-10-2012, 10:26 AM   #358
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Happy! Down 5#'s today, which is clearly all water. But it's weight that's gone down the drain and that makes me . I will continue with the present plan and enjoy a relaxing weekend at home with my doggy. She can sense that I'm not going anywhere and her mood is more like it normally is. Lately she's more sedate, like she knows I'm going to be going somewhere that day and she's going to be left alone. I wish I could incorporate her in the farm venture but it just wouldn't work. Even if I brought her and left her in the car, she just barks when I walk away.

Took a dose of Milk of Mag and working on flushing out all the bad things I'd been eating pre-sanity. I hate the thought of a full GI track. Obsess much?

Speaking of psych stuff, I had a moment of clarity yesterday and I called around and made an appointment for next Wedesday to begin seeing a Therapist. I haven't been in about 4 years and I just know that I need to get to the bottom of certain things in my life. I want to focus on a couple areas that keep hindering me and bringing me down, messing up my ability to work with people, etc. And of course we'll talk about the reliance and gravitation towards liquids and solids that I abuse. It will be a good thing. Please pray that I get a good therapist!

I plan to practice my guitar and use the treadmill today at some point. Sissy and I both need the treadmill. I need cardio and core strengthening.

I just put a rocking chair outside for a Freecycle woman who said she's in need of one. (Just had a baby.) Like many people do, they say they are interested and then when you give them your address and/or phone number, you don't hear back from them. So I put a note on the chair saying (if she does show up) that if she doesn't really like the chair to just leave it here. I love it and it has great potential. I feel a sense of loss letting it go, so I guess I have a touch of "hoarder" in me. I never sit in it and I never thought it rocked all that well, but maybe it was because of my sheer size that it wasn't "balanced" with me in it. But it's the perfect restoration project for anyone who would be so inclined. Part of me hopes she doesn't show. I'm pathetic!

Have a great weekend, girls. Hugs to all!
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Old 03-10-2012, 01:20 PM   #359
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I gotta share this. This woman does a phenomenal job on these types of videos and once you watch it, you'll see why I posted it here on my journal.

It is about cutting-edge very disturbing technology that we should all be aware of.
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Old 03-12-2012, 10:58 AM   #360
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I haven't been over here in a few days but I'm doing great! I had a minor slip last night but otherwise I'm in control. Still practicing abstinence with booze and that is elevating my mood. Well, that, being in control of my eating once again and the fact that the weather is absolutely GLORIOUS!

I sold my canoe finally and the money is in my Paypal account! It's going to a great home with a woman who has some little girls. I'm assuming there is a Dad, too. She will be so pleased when she sees how nice it is. (Yes; she hasn't seen it except for the pics I posted on the ad.) But it's the nicest one around, I'm sure. And I sold it for a very reasonable price. It's an Old Town Discovery 158 and it has an extra seat for a third person that can come in or out, as well as a little dolly for portaging. Great buy and I'm glad it's going to someone who will use it. I've felt bad keeping it in the dark, damp basement all this time. It deserves so much more.

Got a nibble on my table and chairs, too. Hard to tell if it's a real person or a scammer. Craigslist is crawling with them. But people are definitely in a buying-mood with the weather being so amazing! I can find no other reason for why things are getting so active with my for-sale stuff.

I hope everyone is having an equally amazing day! May you be blessed in a way that will be meaningful to you.
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