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Old 10-09-2013, 08:12 PM   #871
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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Old 10-11-2013, 05:58 AM   #872
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Old 10-16-2013, 04:11 PM   #873
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Hi ladies thanks for coming by my very lonely journal!

Just got back in the groove of things, exercise wise, therapy wise etc.

I had my second session with my life coach this afternoon. (free to get hours for his certification in November). I told him about all the stresses last week and weekend. And told him how hard it was for me to cry, but I felt like I really felt.
My goals for myself last week were to make my bed everyday (I'm a slob) don't eat carby stuff at my job (Mrs. Turner makes home made brownies every day) I'm there twice a week. And to make a new afformations voice tape to listen to in the car. I managed to do most of it, wrote up the afformations but didn't record them until this morning.
Ryan wanted me to go back to a childhood memory when I was hurt and talk to the little girl inside. That's all it took, the floodgates opened wide. And I was sitting there talking to him on my phone in the grocery store parking lot. Thought I'd get by with a quick check in.
Moved my car all the way to the back of the parking lot.
I had a terrible childhood from both mother and father perspectives. I won't go into detail. To cope I developed a binge eating disorder when I was 15. All my brothers coped with drugs. By the time I was 21 I was 100 pounds overweight. It's been the bane of my existence.
I am mentioning this because my emotional eating is tied way back in time to childhood when I had no control. Some people here are overweight due to hormonal issues, having children, metabolic etc. I have some genetics on my side (grandmother overweight, great grandmother grossly so) but overall it started as a coping mechanism that I believe grooved pathways of addiction in my brain. If you have read this journal, you can see the struggles not only with weight but stress/chaos/wrong men in my life....what I didn't delete that is...

Anyway, I told Ryan of a time when I was five when my mother helped pack a suitcase for me to run away. We lived in Nebraska and there was a foot of snow on the ground. But I trudged away to a neighbors house. When I was twelve and we lived in Illinois, I was so desperately unhappy, I called my grandmother who lived 3.5 hours away to see if I could come and live with her. And I didn't like this grandmother at all. She said her nerves couldn't take children in the house again.
Ryan asked me if my inner child liked living with me. Whoa!
Whoa, that floored me. I broke down crying and told him all the ways I'd betrayed her as an adult. Most of all the damage I've caused with my binging and yo yo weight gains ...which perpetuated a life long obsession of self loathing and intense isolation.
I addressed some of the ways my parents betrayed me when I started therapy this spring/summer.
But the full weight of my responsibility of how I've hurt myself and my life and that little girl inside SLAMMED me in the car this afternoon.
It was truly a light bulb moment.
I've never quite grown up. Having no kids no responsibility of my mine own helped that process.
We discussed ways to care for that little girl inside who acts out with food, negativity, makes risky choices in all areas. Just making a bed like this past week or so is something you make a child do. Duh!
So I'm working on setting up boundaries for myself in context to my inner child. The things I don't want to do, is probably the same thing a teenager wouldn't want to do but a parent who cares would see that they do it and learn responsibility.
Last night, I wasn't hungry, but only had 3 hours of sleep the night before and was wanting to over eat to soothe my badly jangled nerves. I looked in the cabinet and almost grabbed a jar of sugar free strawberry preserves with the intent of eating the whole jar. I simply said I am stronger than this shat (with an i) and slammed the door.
That is an example of not letting that inner child run rampant in the kitchen.
I'd like to think of it is an act of love....starting to blossom.

Anyway, this is way TMI and embarrassing, but maybe I won't delete this post because it may help someone.

I just need to address the underlying issues as well as my food addiction. So I probably should be talking about both.
Heck, my friends here already know how nuts I am....make that chocolate covered.
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Old 10-16-2013, 06:47 PM   #874
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Tough love is needed for your inner child an you. I think this can be a great start to something good. Big hugs and love.
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Old 10-16-2013, 09:59 PM   #875
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Tough love is needed for your inner child an you. I think this can be a great start to something good. Big hugs and love.
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Old 10-17-2013, 06:06 AM   #876
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Girl, that is very insightful! I pray you find the peace you need for yourself and your inner child!
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Old 10-17-2013, 03:53 PM   #877
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Izzy- it takes a lot of courage to share such private info and sometimes that is the best medicine just admitting it! I am glad this is helping you!!!! We all sort of find our way back here to try to help and encourage one another, I know I need this accountability!!!

Let's hope we can all help one another on this journey!

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Old 10-17-2013, 04:32 PM   #878
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Sending hugs. Your moving post made me think about how we are all wounded in one way or another and that we sometimes choose unhealthy ways of dealing with our pain. I guess that is what it means to be human. But recognizing the causes of our behaviors is the first step towards changing and growing. Being human, capable of suffering, also means we have the potential of progressing and transforming, of being born anew each day and that is such a hope filled and encouraging thought to me. We are alive. We learn and change each day. It is an unfolding. And it is exciting.
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Old 10-17-2013, 08:36 PM   #879
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Thanks ladies for your wonderful feedback. I was trying to be a coward, coming back to delete the post, but I'll let it stay.
I've finally gotten some sleep the past two nights. The cry yesterday and realizations has led me to a very peaceful state of mind today. I appreciated every moment of it. Was stuck behind an accident on the way to work this morning. Normally I would have been really stressed and biaching, but I didn't. Called Mrs. T and told her I might be a little late. She told me to be careful and voila...calmness.
Appetite greatly diminished today.
Grateful.
Off tomorrow.
I meet my new therapist James tomorrow at 1:00. Have lots to tell him about my in-car "session" with my life coach Ryan this week.
Friend Mary is moving back from Austin on Friday and may stay on my heartily offered futon tomorrow night. I'll be checking out a room she wants to rent on Saturday.
When I was a toddler I was told my nick name was "Denny"...I'm not particularly fond of that name, but I'll take Ryan's advice and address my "inner" as Denny. I've been doing it today...and it feels good to be nurturing to "someone" that is ultimately "me"
I was good to "me" today.
I could have went out with someone I met about a week ago. Spent tomorrow together and gone to the winery on Saturday......but decided it wouldn't be good for "me" at this time.
That feels empowering.
Because he is wrong for "me"

Last edited by Izzysdream; 10-17-2013 at 08:38 PM..
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Old 10-18-2013, 03:50 AM   #880
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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Sounds like you have a good plan going!
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Old 10-20-2013, 07:45 AM   #881
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Over the last few days I've read your entire journal which I found so interesting and inspiring that I had difficulty tearing myself away from it. You are truly an amazing and fascinating woman. I really love the fact that you seem to keep going despite setbacks and that you are willing try new and different ways of keeping yourself in a good place mentally. Anyway, as you can see, I'm a fan and am subscribing to your journal [thus becoming an official 'groupie'].
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Old 10-20-2013, 09:12 AM   #882
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Over the last few days I've read your entire journal which I found so interesting and inspiring that I had difficulty tearing myself away from it. You are truly an amazing and fascinating woman. I really love the fact that you seem to keep going despite setbacks and that you are willing try new and different ways of keeping yourself in a good place mentally. Anyway, as you can see, I'm a fan and am subscribing to your journal [thus becoming an official 'groupie'].
Thanks so much Lola! You should get one also so I can "talk" to you!
I have a visitor staying this weekend in my small one bedroom apartment. This morning, I'm trying my best to be patient...that's an understatement. Trying not to kick her out! Dont need unnecessary negativity in my space right now.
Worked out yesterday. Will be back.
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Old 10-20-2013, 04:17 PM   #883
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Thanks so much Lola! You should get one also so I can "talk" to you!.
Oh, Izzysdream, if I were 1/2 as good a writer as you and had just a smidgen of your talent for creating such a vibrant life, I might consider starting a journal. Alas, I lack your eloquence and intense vitality and so must content myself with talking to you here. But the thought that I can do that makes me smile.
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Old 10-21-2013, 06:37 PM   #884
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Oh, Izzysdream, if I were 1/2 as good a writer as you and had just a smidgen of your talent for creating such a vibrant life, I might consider starting a journal. Alas, I lack your eloquence and intense vitality and so must content myself with talking to you here. But the thought that I can do that makes me smile.
Oh Lola, I responded with a book here and voila, it disappeared. Now too tuckered to rewrite. Long story short:
Spent entire weekend trying to help friend that wasn't going to help herself. frustrating as hell. Sunday annual birthday dinner at restaurant, lots of carbs I indulged in. Today, I worked, blood sugar crashed from yesterday, ate more carbs than planned (no sugar/wheat), home. Let myself be a big couch potato after cleaning apartment (doing very well on that front), caught up on favorite shows, going to soak in a hot epsom salt bath and read later. Should have worked out, but didn't and I'm okay with that.
Work 10 hours at Mrs T tomorrow. Will resist her home made sugary goodies easily, committed to life coach I would again this week.
A sometime problem tenant called today. He does the yard work and I deduct 30.00 from the rent for mowing once a month (tiny yard). He goes above and beyond with landscaping. He asked for more deductions for next month for cleaning the yard. I kind of hedged because I was thinking, that he wasn't going to mow next month? huh?
Anyway, he lost it saying how much he does and no one appreciates and started yelling at me (he is on disability for emotional issues so this isn't new) normally I would instantly react and argue with him. I didn't, which super surprised me. I didn't recognize this person interacting with him.
I hung up and later left a message he could deduct another 15 dollars from his rent and told him I really appreciated his work.
I'm starting to see how self centered I am and trying to turn that outward to other people now.
Anyway, that was my day.....I think I hear a bath running....just for ME ME ME

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Old 10-22-2013, 08:16 PM   #885
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Muah!
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Old 10-23-2013, 06:27 AM   #886
Way too much time on my hands!
 
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OH I need a long hot bath too!!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-08-2013, 05:21 PM   #887
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Friday, November 8, 2013
Musings from the gym tonight:
I sat in wonderment in the gym tonight. It was pretty vacant. I normally avoid evenings because the space is filled with testosteronal grunts, and long waits for the weight machines. Then I realized, it's Date Night. It's Friday night. And I have a big date with the inner/outer thigh machine!

Inner thigh machine/outer thigh: 80 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Outer Thigh machine: 80 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Leg Extension: 30 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Seated leg curl: 30 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Shoulder press: 20 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Lateral raise: 20 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Rear Delt Pec Fly: 20 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Chest press: 30 pounds, 6 sets of 8 (two hand positions)
Mid chest: (20 pounds) 3 sets of 8
one more chest machine: 25 pounds 3 sets of 8
Lat pulldown: 40 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Manual Chin up machine: 30 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Manual dip machine: 30 pounds, 1 sets of 8

Haven't been here in a spell. Finally got my butt back to the gym this past week. Attended a couple of times since Mexico.
Had major stress with the apartments again. Flood on the third floor bathroom in next building...drama drama drama with friends that l rented to on the first floor.

But as my life coach told me last night, I have come a long way in the 5? Really that long? weeks that I have been working with him.
I've kept the apartment clean every day since then, I have started to do mindful meditations when I eat (I have no dining room and I normally inhale the food in front of the telly). Just little things to take care of myself. Weight has been up and down a bit (today 149) but I'm not really doing the normal obsessive hate thing to myself....well maybe a time or two....
Ryan is a Reiki master and I started taking his class this Monday. Reiki is about energy healing. He told me I need to heal myself first before I work on other people. Duh? LOL
We have focused a lot in our weekly session about me no longer settling in relationships.
My ex Bryan texted me last week that he got a huge settlement from an accident and wanted to do something for me.....The first thing that registered in my mind was a mild non reactive, nah
On Mondays I've been taking minutes for a demo project at a local hospital. I'm not on the project (just work 4 hours to attend meeting and type up the minutes) so it's difficult to decifer what they are talking about. I asked the guy that sat next to me if he would do a walk thru later in the week (today) so I could see first hand what was going on. We texted back and forth all week, and it was fun. He is really smart, funny and our shared sense of sarcastic humor...just clicked. He told me he was separated from his wife. Okay.
We did the walk thru this morning then went to city diner for a long lunch. I had the philly cheese steak omelet ala carte. Yum
The story is that he and his wife live in the same house but have agreed to go their separate ways. They still go to church together on Sunday, she still does family functions and she will probably live there a year until one of her rental properties comes free. He still wears his wedding ring. After the lunch I texted him that he is not separated in my mind (his must be delusional) and I'm not settling (especially for bullcaca) anymore.
It felt empowering.

Last edited by Izzysdream; 11-08-2013 at 05:35 PM..
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Old 11-08-2013, 06:39 PM   #888
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Separated? Nah...good move Hun.
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Old 11-09-2013, 03:03 AM   #889
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So good to find your interesting post this morning. I've missed you. Fascinating story about the 'separated' man you met. He certainly doesn't seem separated to me although I remember years ago hearing of a similar situation in which a divorcing couple were unable to sell their house and lacked the financial resources to move into separate residences and so we're forced to remain living together in uncomfortable animosity for quite some time. That doesn't exactly sound like your friend's situation, does it? It sounds as if he is quite happily social with the wife from whom he has supposedly separated.
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Old 11-10-2013, 07:46 PM   #890
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My friend karen and I went on a hike in Castlewood park yesterday. It was a November Spring! 69 degrees of loveliness! I took a motrin before we walked to safeguard my poor lil feet.
When I drove up to the parking lot by the Mighty Mermac River, I spotted a group of people dressed in long, white garb with white head dresses. I grabbed my camera...and nothing. My batteries were dead.
I was sooooo disappointed. It was some sort of ceremony.
Karen asked if they were Klux Klux Klan.....I thought not...definitely didn't feel the hate vibe. Need to keep spare batteries in my car. This was my first outing in awhile that was supposed to be "holy" photographic. I failed to capture lots of loveliness on the beach, on the river trail and alas, up on the bluffs.
Afterward, we drove to this pub and shared some naked wings and a light beer.
Later that evening, we met at a blues club downtown (fantastic band) and boogied our woogies.
Gooddaysaturday and sundaysfeetarefine

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Old 11-11-2013, 06:27 AM   #891
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Oh that does sound perfect. Be outside while you can! WINTER IS COMING!
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Old 11-11-2013, 02:35 PM   #892
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Monday November 11, 2013
Weight: 149.2
Sleep: 5.5
Eating: clean
Mood: good, energetic
Exercise: weight Machines.

I didn't have to force myself to go workout this afternoon. Such a good feeling! Energy is flowing...

Inner thigh machine/outer thigh: 80 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Outer Thigh machine: 80 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Leg Extension: 35 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Seated leg curl: 40 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Shoulder press: 30 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Lateral raise: 20 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Rear Delt Pec Fly: 20 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Chest press: 40 pounds, 6 sets of 8 (two hand positions)
Mid chest: (20 pounds) 3 sets of 8
one more chest machine: 25 pounds 3 sets of 8
Lat pulldown: 40 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Manual Chin up machine: 20 pounds, 3 sets of 8
Manual dip machine: 30 pounds, 3 sets of 8

It's weird but maybe it's a coincidence, but everything seems better since doing this Reiki healing on myself every night. Still can't get over how my feet weren't killing me after the hike/dance excursions on Saturday, neck/back are better, right hand knuckle is just slightly sore...not like before.
Whatever is happening.
I'm grateful!
____
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Old 11-11-2013, 04:39 PM   #893
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It is so wonderful to learn everything is going so well for you sweet Dream. I still can't get over the fact that you are 56. I was actually kind of shocked to realize that. Not only do you look decades younger in your photos but your openness to learning new things, to all sorts of new ideas and approaches and adventures demonstrates a forever young spirit which I find incredibly inspiring. I'm quite a bit older but you remind me how important it is to continue learning and growing every day of our lives no matter our age. And I thank you for that important reminder.
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Old 11-11-2013, 07:55 PM   #894
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Glad things are coming together!
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Old 11-12-2013, 06:21 AM   #895
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It is so wonderful to learn everything is going so well for you sweet Dream. I still can't get over the fact that you are 56. I was actually kind of shocked to realize that. Not only do you look decades younger in your photos but your openness to learning new things, to all sorts of new ideas and approaches and adventures demonstrates a forever young spirit which I find incredibly inspiring. I'm quite a bit older but you remind me how important it is to continue learning and growing every day of our lives no matter our age. And I thank you for that important reminder.
Lola, I didn't know I left pictures in my journal. Trying my best to be incognito here. LOL
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Old 11-12-2013, 07:05 AM   #896
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Oh, sweet Dream...you'll always remain incognito with me. The photos I'd seen were those you posted when you flew to [was it?] Las Vegas to meet friends. And I remember thinking at the time how young and vibrant [and slender!] you looked. Anyway, don't worry...your secret identity is safe with me.
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Old 11-12-2013, 05:57 PM   #897
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Oh, sweet Dream...you'll always remain incognito with me. The photos I'd seen were those you posted when you flew to [was it?] Las Vegas to meet friends. And I remember thinking at the time how young and vibrant [and slender!] you looked. Anyway, don't worry...your secret identity is safe with me.
muah!!!

Are you on facebook?
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Old 11-13-2013, 01:52 AM   #898
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Of course, I like most of the world, am on FB. I'll message you.
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Old 11-13-2013, 05:57 AM   #899
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Way to get things going girl!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-13-2013, 03:54 PM   #900
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Gallery: kittycitygirl
Stats: High:215; current 168
WOE: Low Carb: my way;)
Start Date: April 3, 2010
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