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Old 08-02-2013, 11:56 AM   #1351
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I am going to write this for myself, as a means of releasing "pressure." I don't really like posting this, but I need to somewhere. For some reason, I had horrible anxiety come over me during my lunch break -- I am also suddenly sad. I have no clue why b/c I was fine earlier. ??? My boss saw my face when I came back and asked what was wrong, and I told him it's costochondritis which is inflammation in my chest from being anxious. He asked why I was anxious & I said I didn't know. Now I wish I hadn't told him, but it just kinda came out. I'm sure he thinks I'm a hypochondriac & have all types of issues, since I've had UTI's, mystery pains in my side/lower back, jaw issues, etc. I hardly ever missed work at my last job, and now I feel like it's the opposite here. I guess I need to keep my mouth shut about my health here at work. I don't really want everyone in my business.

I looked up psychiatrists in my network again, and I'm definitely making an appointment. I hope it won't be too far out, which was the problem I kept encountering before. I think in the meantime I may try to see my GP & see if I can be put on something. I really hate the idea of it b/c I feel like it means admitting to failure, but it is what it is. I haven't been on meds since late 2007, and that was an overall bad experience. The disconnected feelings keep returning. F*$%.

*End of rambling*
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Old 08-02-2013, 12:05 PM   #1352
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i really think getting yourself help is the best thing you can do. even if the appt is far in advance it will be here before you know it. And i think seeing your GP in the mean time is also good. you're not admitting failure, failure to me would be if you continued to live your life this way without help. You deserve to have a great quality of life and you should do whatever you need to do to get there!!
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Old 08-02-2013, 12:11 PM   #1353
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i really think getting yourself help is the best thing you can do. even if the appt is far in advance it will be here before you know it. And i think seeing your GP in the mean time is also good. you're not admitting failure, failure to me would be if you continued to live your life this way without help. You deserve to have a great quality of life and you should do whatever you need to do to get there!!
Thank you, Lexi. I felt embarrassed even typing that message above -- I have major "perfectionist" issues. I honestly think this anxiety/depression is part of my genetics...my biological dad's family had issues, and my mom's has too. It is scary, but I don't know what else to do at this point except try & figure this out. Otherwise, I feel like my life isn't going to go anywhere.
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Old 08-02-2013, 12:31 PM   #1354
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i think it is genetics too. i definitely think mental health issues are genetic traits just like anything else.

make your appointments and get yourself well again
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Old 08-02-2013, 12:43 PM   #1355
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Old 08-02-2013, 03:24 PM   #1356
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Hang in there honey There is NOTHING wrong with seeking help and it is not an indication of failure. The fact that you want to feel better speaks volumes about what and where your perspective is. See your GP first and be patient for the right rx to work..sometimes ya might need added meds or to switch altogether if something stops working. BTDT honey, I commiserate with you all the way, but do NOT be ashamed.
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Old 08-03-2013, 04:13 AM   #1357
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Lexi, Lyn, & Dani: Thank you for posting! It's nice to know others are "listening" here in my lil' spot of online ruminations. Lol

Talked to my bf last night...told him about going to see GP Tuesday afternoon for anxiety & about going on medicine. I admitted a hesitancy to tell him, as I didn't want him labeling me as crazy. He commented that I'm setting myself up for a no-win situation: realizing my anxiety needs treatment, but then constantly worrying whether people will judge me for taking medicine. He said I'm giving myself more anxiety, which makes sense. He took it pretty well overall, even when I told him about struggling with feelings of disconnection & wondering what purpose our lives serve.

I did think of 1 possible contributing factor to my attack yesterday: I'd had 2 Thermos-fuls of coffee & a 20 oz. Cherry Coke (had craving for diet soda, but coworker accidentally got me regular). I think ingesting too much caffeine can exacerbate anxiety issues. I'm seriously considering dropping coffee altogether, and being more stringent with my "no soda" rule. I still would drink hot tea, but those caffeine levels aren't as high as coffee's.

Looking into purchasing green tea extract for natural relief...

Going to go walking outside instead of the gym bc nature has a way of making me smile.

Enjoy your Saturdays!
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Old 08-03-2013, 05:44 AM   #1358
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I agree with the other posters, there is nothing wrong with getting help and taking medications when needed. It'll help you and your relationship with bf...actually I see it more like taking self needed time and paying attention to yourself and your needs, which we tend to neglect. Enjoy your walk, it is beautiful how being surrounded by nature naturally improves the mood.
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Old 08-03-2013, 06:14 PM   #1359
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I'm glad you talked to your bf about what you've been going through..he needs to know in order to help you. It sounds like he definitely wants to be there for you! Caffeine can definitely have effects on your nervous system and you will only feel better by cutting it out. Good for you!
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Old 08-07-2013, 01:41 PM   #1360
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Been feeling weird ever since last night -- I took 20 mg of Paxil, and I don't like this feeling at all. I just kinda feel like I'm not in my body. Strange. I also went to bed at 8:45 last night.

I don't think I'm going to take it tonight.
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Old 08-08-2013, 03:30 AM   #1361
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227.2 this morning...back to my recent low. I honestly haven't eaten much the last 2 days...no breakfast and didn't eat lunch till 1:30/2. I am considering working in IF somehow.

Didn't take the meds last night...feeling more like myself. I need to find my copy of The Mood Cure & check out recommended supplements again.
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Old 08-08-2013, 06:28 AM   #1362
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Quote:
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227.2 this morning...back to my recent low. I honestly haven't eaten much the last 2 days...no breakfast and didn't eat lunch till 1:30/2. I am considering working in IF somehow.

Didn't take the meds last night...feeling more like myself. I need to find my copy of The Mood Cure & check out recommended supplements again.
yay! congrats on getting back to your low, now you can focus on LOSS!!
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Old 08-09-2013, 05:25 AM   #1363
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Thanks, lady!

226 this morning -- woot! TOM is here, so it's awesome to see a loss despite that.

Um, so I drank last night...bad idea!!! I have a heck of a hangover this morning, and I don't remember going to bed. :-/ I'm thinking about not drinking except on holidays/special occasions. It would probably help with my weight loss, too.

Glad it's Friday & payday...two good things.
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Old 08-09-2013, 06:49 AM   #1364
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ok im emailing you to hear about this drinking last night
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Old 08-12-2013, 07:12 AM   #1365
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Morning -- weight was up a couple lbs. this morning. I didn't eat a lot over the weekend, but I did eat "carbier" items, so that's probably where the water retention lies. Today should be the last day of TOM, hopefully.

Weekend was quiet for the most part. Stayed at my bf's the whole time...we had a long talk on Saturday that was needed. I'm feeling like I can finally "breathe" in a sense and allow myself to start releasing some things from the past. It's definitely time! I caught up on some reading on Saturday, and we went and saw "Elysium" that night -- we both liked it. My stomach was bothering me yesterday, so I spent most of it with my trusty friend, the heating pad.

Fairly quiet at work this morning -- need to go grab some coffee b/c I'm thinking about the bed.
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Old 08-12-2013, 07:14 AM   #1366
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im happy to read about how well your weekend went
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Old 08-12-2013, 07:59 AM   #1367
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im happy to read about how well your weekend went
Thank you...he & I are working through things, and I'm in a good place mentally/emotionally right now. His is part of that equation.
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Old 08-12-2013, 09:48 AM   #1368
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so happy to hear!
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Old 08-13-2013, 07:02 AM   #1369
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Good morning to whomever may be wandering in...

Well, I ate poorly yesterday -- WAY over my calories. They say confession is good for the soul, so here goes: for breakfast, I ate a bacon, egg, & cheese biscuit, hashbrown, & peppermint hot chocolate from McDonald's (biscuit wasn't even good, btw). For a snack, I had Chex Mix...not bad when correctly portioned, however I ate a SH&T ton of it! Lol. For lunch, I had a Chick-fil-A original chicken sandwich with mayo, waffle fries, & a diet lemonade (guess at least I didn't get a sweet tea like I wanted). Dinner wasn't too bad -- had a chicken corn dog, single serving Green Giant broccoli w/ cheese sauce, Sargento string cheese, but also had a hamburger bun (yes, by itself -- weird, I know). I swear I was a carb monster yesterday!

Obviously, the fast food choices were not good yesterday -- even if I have to grab something while out, there are much better options available, and not just fried crap, so I need to do better. I am going to the gym after work...haven't been since last Tuesday, I think. My hormones should finally be settled down now that TOM is gone.

Tracking everything today! Hoping if I keep it lower than normal, then it'll help balance out yesterday's choices.
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Old 08-13-2013, 07:14 AM   #1370
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i think its great to hold yourself accountable. I wonder what happened to trigger your choices yesterday. i wouldn't sweat it just try and do better today. Take each meal, day, workout at a time

consider why you started your weight loss journey, whats important to you and what goals you'd like to achieve. that's what i do when i've lost a little motivation/focus
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Old 08-13-2013, 07:47 AM   #1371
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Today is a new day. Congrats on getting down to your recent low and it's so nice to read about your journey with bf and the fact that now you feel more comfortable to release some things you've held on from the past. When you feel like doing this with someone, exposing yourself and becoming more vulnerable in a sense, that's love and trust intertwined. Wonderful!
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:20 AM   #1372
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i think its great to hold yourself accountable. I wonder what happened to trigger your choices yesterday. i wouldn't sweat it just try and do better today. Take each meal, day, workout at a time

consider why you started your weight loss journey, whats important to you and what goals you'd like to achieve. that's what i do when i've lost a little motivation/focus
Not sure what "triggered" it, but I know my brain was fully rebelling against the idea of making healthy choices yesterday -- kind of like a little kid throwing a tantrum: "I want what I want NOW!"

I will definitely do better today...I need to go through the fridge when I get to my bf's and make a list b/c I need to hit the grocery store rather than relying on eating out. I know I need more cottage cheese & fruit b/c I really like that combo, and it helps keep me full.

Thanks for the encouragement -- I definitely need to start thinking more about long-term benefits vs. short-term benefits.
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:26 AM   #1373
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Today is a new day. Congrats on getting down to your recent low and it's so nice to read about your journey with bf and the fact that now you feel more comfortable to release some things you've held on from the past. When you feel like doing this with someone, exposing yourself and becoming more vulnerable in a sense, that's love and trust intertwined. Wonderful!
Thanks, Shari...today is a new day, indeed! I've just gotta keep momentum going.

My bf & I have had our share of disagreements lately, but I think it's good in a way b/c it's forced me to acknowledge beliefs that I've held onto for a LONG time. If our relationship is going to progress, then I must challenge these thoughts and grow as a person. We've also had some deep talks, and he knows more about me than anyone else I've ever dated. It's scary, but it's awesome at the same time! He sees parts of me that I've "hidden" from others, and he still loves me. It's like I can finally breathe, in a sense.
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:36 AM   #1374
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i think planning and being prepared is the key to success! hit that grocery store girl!!

its so hard to not let our short term desires taint our long term goals. its a daily battle.
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:56 AM   #1375
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Planning and preparing is definitely the name of the game. So easy to just do "whatever" when hunger strikes and then it's all downhill from there. BTDT! Good for you for reassessing and getting back to what you know works....the better part IMO...you owned your slip and are moving forward.
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Old 08-13-2013, 12:52 PM   #1376
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i think planning and being prepared is the key to success! hit that grocery store girl!!

its so hard to not let our short term desires taint our long term goals. its a daily battle.
Yes, I would agree -- I noticed that when I bring my food to work, it's much easier overall b/c it not only eliminates temptation, but also the food usually tastes better to me. I am usually able to eat more, volume-wise, as well due to the better food quality.

Quote:
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Planning and preparing is definitely the name of the game. So easy to just do "whatever" when hunger strikes and then it's all downhill from there. BTDT! Good for you for reassessing and getting back to what you know works....the better part IMO...you owned your slip and are moving forward.
Yes, it's too easy for me to just "go with the flow" and not have a plan -- I gotta get my daily habits back in line again. Thanks for the support! I believe if if I can't be honest with myself first and foremost, then how will I ever make any progress?

For lunch, I went to Farm Fresh's salad bar: I got small portions of seafood salad & pasta salad, and then made a big garden salad. I feel good about that choice. I've had a lot of water today, so that's a change from yesterday as well. Not sure what I will have for dinner, but it will be something quick since it'll be after I exercise & shower -- will probably be a Lean Pocket or kosher hot dogs with a side of broccoli.
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Old 08-14-2013, 05:18 AM   #1377
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Morning, lovelies! Didn't weigh this morning b/c I left directly from my bf's house (scale is at my place).

I stayed under my calorie goal yesterday, I drank a ton of water, & I got a workout in. I feel that I did MUCH better yesterday, so I am very happy with that. I was super tired last night, so I went to bed by 9:30...Smh! I don't know if it was b/c I worked out after a week off, or maybe b/c I took my calcium/magnesium supplement. Anyways, I was knocked out! Lol.

Packed my lunch & snacks for today, so I should be good to go in that respect. Planning on hitting the gym after work again.
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Old 08-14-2013, 07:00 AM   #1378
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morning!!

GREAT JOB on your choices yesterday and your lunches and snacks packed. no fast food for this girl!!!!!
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Old 08-14-2013, 09:24 AM   #1379
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Good girl!! Maybe you just needed the extra sleep? I remember when DH & I were working out last summer in the evenings...I used to fall asleep quickly and easily..could be your workouts in the night time that relaxes you? Glad you are feeling good and all set for a spectacular day!
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Old 08-15-2013, 05:52 AM   #1380
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226.8 this morning, so down from 229.8 which I saw Tuesday a.m. after my crappy choices Monday. It just goes to show how much of a difference your food choices & water intake can make! Didn't make it to the gym last night, but I've got my bag in the car & am hitting it after work.

I did well food-wise yesterday, so I'm proud of that. For dinner, the bf & kids had meatball subs with french fries & broccoli/cheese sauce, so I ate some meatballs, the broccoli, and a sugar-free apple sauce cup. I wanted that sub but knew I didn't need all that bread, especially that late in the evening.

Small steps every day will add up to big successes down the road -- just gotta keep that in mind!
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