Losing baggage

[bacon bit]

Sometimes I want to pull my hair out. My kids are so incredibly sick. I have a cold. They have a cold. They both had fevers. One had puking (7x one day then again once in the middle of the night all over his bed without even waking up). Both have ear infections. Both have strep. One for sure with croup. Possibly the other. And they have fifth disease. What in the world?

[bacon bit]

Woke up to 156.8.

[bacon bit]

Originally Posted by verbqueen

I dunno if it was the treatment or not, but your hair is beautiful. I love the color.

Don't sweat the fries. These things happen, just a bump in the road. I know how committed you are, and you won't be derailed. (even by your ex--shame on him!)

I so didn't see this until now! Thanks Jessica! I actually do my own coloring now. The last time I did it, it came out darker underneath than what I normally do it. It almost looks black until you look at it closely and see it's espresso-it defines me! I think maybe the keratin stripped some of my color though because suddenly I've got hot spots and my gray streak is just back. No growing out, it just came back and it's several inches long. Also, today it rained and my hair was feeling it. It's still straight. But I won't fight the rain again. It is still very worth it and I will be doing it again. keratin, that is.

[bacon bit]

So I am the type who will cycle in and out of losing weight. I go seriously LC for a while, then maintain my weight for a while. I've been slowing down lately and eating for crap, so I decided today to snap out of it and have had a successful day eating LC today. I haven't gained any weight by eating this way. I just really like the idea of losing weight, so I'm not sure why I don't just get it all done with now. Actually, I guess I've realized that oftentimes, I like too much the losing part. I'm scared I will get a "high" off of losing and then stop eating...so I'm trying to be careful.

I think I've been getting bored with my food. I've also hit a time in my life where I'm crazy busy and don't have a lot of time with cooking. Seriously, my house is suffering, but I have to work a lot right now. HAVE to. Can't afford not to. It's OK. I'll figure it out. Anyway, today I ate two hot dogs, zima tomatoes and celery...I think that's it, besides coffee. I'm not starving...we'll see...

[bacon bit]

I've been maintaining my weight for the past few weeks. I got sick of the scale not moving, so I'm back to the basics. I'm on day three of eating lower carb than lately and no grains, no extra sugars...where I started. I just go in and out of maintaining. I know what I can eat without really gaining. The past several days my weight has fluctuated between 156.8 and 158.8. Today I was 157...point...something. I don't remember.
I'm a little bit frustrated. I went out and bought new clothes that seem to fit (this is pants I'm talking about) and I wear them a few hours and they are falling off of me. I don't know what to do. Do I sausage myself into tight clothing and hope it loosens up enough that I can breathe again? Do I buy bigger sizes and change my clothes every two hours? Help! I looked like a plumber today!

[bacon bit]

Loudly rejoicing this morning. I Woohoo'd and my kids came running with high fives. 155.4. All the hard work I went through this week has paid off!

*happy dance*

[bacon bit]

154.4! Woohoo!

[verbqueen]

Congrats! Go you!!!

[bacon bit]

How to explain death to a three year old? Well, he will be four in two weeks. I think he's probably about two or three years ahead of himself when it comes to death talk and understanding. He thinks he can reverse it, he has lots of questions about it, and he thinks it happened because he did something wrong. I'm not looking for criticism on how I've handled things so far, because let me tell you, we reached the point where I wished I could take back everything I said to him about the subject. I know he understands more than most children his age about it, which is why I've given him more (age appropriate) answers than I would another child his age. Let me back up...

My first child, Jeremiah, died when he was 11 days old. Rowan (my almost four year old) knows his brother got very sick and died. I've explained it's not the kind of sick that he or I will get. Lately he will come to me in tears with his head just hung down, saying how he really misses his brother. He never met him. Jeremiah died in 1999.

This isn't really the hard part. It breaks my heart, but it gets worse. My second child, Madeline, died when she was 2 1/2. She was murdered by my husband at the time (he also killed his 7 month old daughter before taking his own life).

Rowan never met Madeline, either. She died in 2003. So, my issue is now is Rowan asks questions. I never sat down with him and had a serious discussion. I mean, sometimes he will be on my lap and ask a question. I aim for short answers. With the tiny bits of information he's gathered over the course of the past nearly four years, he knows Madeline's daddy hurt her with a gun, she died, she's in Heaven, we can't see her, she's with Jeremiah...things like that. I never explained her death to him. I don't have shrines to my angels-but I do have pictures up. I mean, they were a part of my life. I always explain to him that he got a good Daddy. His daddy is here to protect him. That when we get to Heaven, we will see Madeline and Jeremiah.

Well, Rowan goes to school now and shares the story with everyone he sees. He tells everyone about Madeline's death, how her daddy killed her, how she was trying to run away from him and how he (Rowan) tried to protect her but she still died...he is kind of dramatic here. She didn't try to run away. I was not there, but I know, based upon evidence. I never said her daddy killed her. He connected the dots there. Just a lot of dot connecting and dramatics on his end right now.

I had my pastor sit him down and talk with him. She told him who the safe people were to talk with about Madeline or Jeremiah. She told him he could write a letter and send it to Madeline. I do this sometimes, actually. Their birthdays or other days I just really need to feel like I'm giving them something...I mail them a letter c/o God in Heaven. No return address, put in a blue box. So, I get how it could help.

Well, that was last Monday morning. After school, he came home and drew a picture. I cried for a long time that afternoon. It was two colors. Green and red. It was a big green Madeline's daddy. A little green Jeremiah with a little green Rowan in his belly. And off to the side, a little green Madeline's sister. In red, he drew Madeline, bigger than the other children, smaller than Madeline's daddy. He also drew two red guns. He had me label everything. If you want to see the picture, it's in one of the links below that goes to my blog. The blog with it is about this subject, only I was really emotional at the time.

Well Tuesday after school, he decided he wanted to take the picture to Madeline. I sat down and I told him he could mail it. Did not satisfy him. He wanted to take it to her. In Heaven. I told him we can't go to Heaven yet, but we could go to the cemetery. He seemed OK with that. I told him little girl Madeline wasn't going to be there, but we could take it there and leave it there for her. He said OK and ran to the car.

We pulled up to her area, and as I was getting him out of the car, he said, "I'm going to hug that little girl so tight when I see her!" I told him again that little girl Maddie wasn't going to be there, but that we can leave his picture for her. We walked up to her headstone and I said, "OK, here's her name." He said, "Yeah, but that's not Madeline." I said, "Well this is her name, right here on this rock." He repeated himself so I asked him, "OK, where is she?". He said, "Over here." He walked over to this statue of a little girl holding up a kitten. He said, "There she is." I just went with it. I asked if he wanted to give her his picture. He put it down by her feet. My two year old (Ellie) tried to take the kitten she was holding (that was kind of sweet). I asked Rowan if he wanted to say anything to Madeline. He said, "You're welcome." I said, "OK, is there anything else you'd like to say to her?" He said, "You're welcome for the picture." The mosquitoes were eating us up so I said we needed to leave. As we were walking away, he goes, "So. This is Heaven. It's pretty nice." Like it was the most beautiful place imaginable. Sometimes it just breaks my heart. Then he said he wanted ice cream and seriously-he earned it. So I let him have an ice cream cone in the car.

[bacon bit]

I woke up heavier than when I went to bed. Lame.

[bacon bit]

Back down today. Not surprising. Stressful days are rocking me to my core. Feeling insanely alone and struggling with it.

Anyway, here's how I'm eating: Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday I eat at around 3:30 pm and then possibly again in the next few hours. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I eat usually sometime between 11:00 am and 1:00 pm...then I eat again once more-sometimes one time plus a snack. Although yesterday I think I ate three meals in about six hours. Not huge meals. But still. Saturday is anybody's guess.

I'm going back to a new and different but earlier schedule so I will be weighing once again at the wrong times. My schedule keeps changing at this point so I'm struggling with my life-my outside of work life. My life revolves around it and it's not feeling worth it.

I need a sugar daddy.

[bacon bit]

I'm fluctuating between 153.8 and 155 these days. Frustrated with it because I don't have time to work out right now. I feel really efficient these days and aiming for more sleep. Rarely getting a good nights rest...

[verbqueen]

You can't lose weight without decent sleep. That's just a fact.

But Heidi, sometimes, maintaining is GOOD.

[bacon bit]

Oh I so very know. I am trying hard. I wake up in the night and my anxiety spikes. If my kids don't wake me up I'm usually fine and can sleep somewhat better. Now when its after 3:00am I can easily fall back to sleep because I know I'm closer to the morning. It's ridiculous. It may just be the time of year. I'm coming up on the anniversary of my daughters murder. Always a sucky time of year.

[bacon bit]

I got a solid 154 today after fasting for the majority of the day. I ate around 4:30pm. It's just amazing to me how I thought I'd want another meal, but really I'm stuffed from the little bit I ended up eating.

[bacon bit]

Got to 152.4. I wish there was some crazy miracle and I'd lose a pound a day again, but I guess I'll survive.

I was hitting up Goodwill every Saturday for the past month, never able to find the motivation to look too hard in the jeans section. If it could only be sorted by SIZE! I know, I know. I really do appreciate Goodwill in times of need, but I seriously couldn't get motivated. I went out and bought two pairs of skinny jeans in 10's for fall and winter. Not too tight by any means. But, here we are back up in the 80's. I don't wear boots until our days are under 60*. I get hot. Or, I did. Things have changed in the past almost 50 pounds. Anyway, while I was unable to find the perfect pair of (straight leg, bootcut, etc-not skinny) jeans, I dropped another size. So, I walk around and my one pair of jeans that I could kind of keep up (13's), are seriously about to drop to my ankles. Forget Goodwill, yesterday I went to a department store and decided that I had to invest in a better pair. Walked out with two. Both in 8's. I tried on about 8 pairs, thinking it must be a fluke. No WAY am I an 8! BUT I AM! I was fighting with the scale so much this week, too. I would do the scale dance about 10x going NO! You're wrong! That was me. Losing inches. Small drop in pounds. I get too excited when I get close to that next decade.

Tomorrow is my son's fourth birthday. Today we celebrated. And I ate a cupcake. And it was divine. Way sugar shocked. But divine. I made Sully and Mikey cupcakes from Monster's Inc. I'll post some pics later as I am just exhausted. I'd rather end a weekend rested and end the week exhausted, but I guess I chose this life.

[verbqueen]

Congrats, Heidi!!

[bacon bit]

I'm still maintaining. However, yesterday I ate so stupid. So today I ate perfectly. Aside from a stolen french fry, but it was just one. Or three. Just kiddin, it was really one. Anyway, because I carbed so incredibly UP yesterday, today it's really really hard lc'ing. I decided to just eat every time I got a craving for something carby. So I'm really full. But it will work itself out.

I realize this is TMI, but I'm trying to figure out my cycle still. I had major PCOS symptoms happening and bled for over a month. Birth control pills stopped it, but now it's anybody's guess when TOM will come. By the calendar, it should happen Tuesday. By my pack of pills, I'm more than a week away. Maybe two weeks even. I wish it would just get regular. I think if it did, I wouldn't have these fluctuations in hormones so abruptly. I think they are causing me some cravings, which is leading to me eating higher carb. Yesterday was just awful. I mean seriously. I guess if TOM is coming, maybe that would explain that. Anyway, I'm like 4 or 5 pounds less than where I was a month ago. My weight is constantly up and down, but when I look at where I was a month ago, it shows my average loss of a pound a week, which I am grateful to have GONE! I just hope I can stay strong the next few days. I need Thursday to be easy for me. Will explain more in the next few days. :/

[bacon bit]

I have managed to stay on plan so I'm down to 152.2. The scale was being weird this am, but my kids were jumping on it. Because they want to make me turn red in the face, I think. It kept stopping at 151.8, then just as I was about to get off, it jumped to 152.2. So I don't know what to call it. It's at most 152.2. Perhaps tomorrow will tell. Actually, I didn't weigh myself until almost 5:00pm. My mornings have been so crazy, and I weigh less after I've been up for a few hours. I guess I could take my scale to work and then randomly strip down and weigh when I'm feeling at my lightest.

I...started therapy today. Well, OK, I met with two therapists. One is for my son. The other is for me. We'll be working together. I'm off to blog.

[verbqueen]

Happy, happy, happy birthday to my cherished friend Heidi! I hope you're not online because you're off doing happy things. And hope the therapy is helping you to work towards being, really, really happy--all of you!

[bacon bit]

Lately I'm eating like I'm stupid. Probably because I am. I've gained zero weight and am at my lowest weight on any given day. I'm not able to weigh at my lowest time of day, but I'll randomly realize it's 5:00 pm and I haven't weighed. Then I weigh the lowest I've weighed. So, I'm maintaining.
I think it's funny that I've been looking at different eating plans and I keep trying to find one that is exactly how I'm already eating. Isn't that hilarious? I'm not presently losing much, so how am I going to find that and it work? Dur. Anyway, I need some motivation to stick to it. I mean, I understand how to maintain. I'm saying I eat like I am stupid because I'm not eating to lose, I'm eating to maintain. But I want to lose. I actually made a goal that I was going to figure out a plan and stick to it until Thanksgiving. I failed myself already. I've been looking at JUDDD. I'm just not sure how I'd work it into my life, as I've just figured out part of a routine. I'm actually still working on that-schedule change has me shifting things all over the place. Fasting makes me feel best, but I've battled anorexia, so when I see that it almost feels too good, I back off. I love myself and my kids far too much to kill myself slowly (or otherwise). Anyway, my fussy sleeper is feeling better, of course in time for the other one to start fussing all night. I'd love some super restful nights under my belt (so many puns, so little time) to help me. I think that's a huge part of my problem-I'm drinking 4 cups of coffee a day from it. Today I had two. And now, I'm going to bed. Goodnight world! Or the one of you who reads this.

[verbqueen]

Heidi, I think JUDDD is not ideal for anyone with a history of disordered eating. I'd think hard before starting it.

Maybe you're just pausing and resting before you go the rest of the way with low carb? You're not that far from goal.

Hope you get some good sleep tonight.

[bacon bit]

I know, that's why I haven't started it! lol But thinking about most "diets", I'm not sure of one that would really work well with a past like mine. Even lc'ing, all that weight that comes off in the beginning can really go to your head, you know?

However, anorexia can be a symptom of Crohn's disease, and I haven't dealt with any diseased intestines in years (same with anorexic tendencies). I may have outgrown it (the Crohn's). It's not uncommon. I'm not trying to starve, but I wasn't back then either. I'm hoping you're right. I've done this before where I maintain for a while. I'm happy with that.

Today I weighed the same as I always do lately. 152.2 with the scale doing funky things right at 151. I didn't weigh until nearly 5:00 pm today. I so very miss the 9:00 (am) hour when I weigh less. Though I really think if I miraculously lost 2 pounds, I'd be motivated to lose more. I had an awkward day though and my blood sugar dropped out from under me. Not a fun feeling. I knew my day was going to be full, but it got away from me and I ended up not eating until around the time I weighed.

I'm struggling here. :/

[verbqueen]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. Anything you can do to get your hours more regular?

[bacon bit]

I've got the work thing figured out. It's kind of insane how organized I've become in the past few weeks. I am even kind of getting the sleep thing figured out when I can. It feels like I always have a sick child. I'm blessed! I was trying to get into a rhythm with work and then let the rest fall into place. I had literally two slots of free time and every other week, one slot has been taken up and now The Big Awesome has his therapy during the other slot. I hate to spill it on the internet because I do not hate my almost ex husband, but he has his parenting time in my house and never takes the kids away-other than to his grandma's house once or twice and the drive thru. I am never away from these children, and my house is suffering. I just made a plan that today when I got home from work, I'd clean my house, and do you know-I did. I made myself not sit down until I cleaned for about 45 minutes. Of course, the ex came for parenting time and there was trash thrown all over and towels, dirty clothes as well. I'm ridiculous to complain about this, as so many people don't have the things that I have. Shame on me. (but still-sometimes I am so ungrateful). It's ugly on me! lol

So, not sure if I've said it before, but I have two jobs in one building. I live where I work (live in the manse, work in the church). I went from working the one job briefly each weekday and the bulk on Saturdays to working a hang of a lot more. I am NOT complaining. Jobs are just shifting and I'm doing more because I'm good at what I do and I can. I'm working earlier in the day, but my children aren't tagging along behind me all the time now. The church loves my kids though, which is super cool.

I'm so very rambling. I know what I need. I need my kids to not be here during his parenting time. I need him to quit using me as a crutch. And I probably need a date.

[bacon bit]

I meant to post these pics before of the cupcakes I made for my son's birthday. I'm also posting my picture, along with my daughter's. We went as each other for Halloween-just to school last Friday.

[bacon bit]

Oh, Jessica. Hold me to what I said. Woke up to 150.

[Star73]

wow girl! you are looking hawt!!!!! I can't wait to be your size! Tell your ex you have to be somewhere and he needs to take the kids to the park or McDonald's or something. Or just tell him you need some alone time. We all need this. I love love love the cupcakes!!!!! Also, I love the cute pic of your kiddo!! I hope you have a great day!

[verbqueen]

First of all: Heidi, you are are looking beautiful! And your cupcakes are fabulous (and no, that's not some creepy euphemism for boobs, but it sorta sounded like it, didn't it? )

I think your working/living situation sounds ideal--what a wonderful place for your children to grow up, and what a wonderful way for you to keep them close to you. Bet they will grow up with some very happy memories from this time.

Sounds to me like you have it all under control, though I agree that you could stand to squeeze in a little "me time." Just keep swimming.

[verbqueen]

P.S. The 150 thing just now hit me! HELLO--new decade on the horizon, bigtime!!