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Old 03-23-2011, 03:19 PM   #1
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Rayne's Circle of Calm

...some of the threads/sub-boards are a little 'tense' and petty, so I thought it best to head over to this side of the board for some much-needed calm. I don't know why people feel the need to attack in cyberspace.

A few ground rules for my thread:

--I will check in with weight at least 3 times a week
--I will check in with food intake at least 3 times a week
--I will try not to whine excessively
--I will encourage others in their journey
--I will not go out of my way to correct someone else's grammar, spelling, punctuation, or word usage. It's annoying, petty, and only serves to make arrogant people feel superior for a brief moment in time.


So yeah...I'm 46, probably in the middle of perimenopause, and about 6 weeks into LC-ing for the 4th time. I was chubby as a kid, thought I was fat as a teen (was very normal at 122 lbs), and then gained weight with my first child.

A few years later, I rather abruptly developed panic attacks during my divorce, and that led to a very severe form of IBS. Suddenly finding myself unable to eat much of anything, I lost 67 lbs in just under 6 months and kept it off for almost 7 years (not especially difficult when you're only eating about 500-800 cal/day).

For once in my life, I was thin. Yes, I looked anorexic, but I got compliments at that weight (95-102 at 5'5"). I had a baby at that weight, and no one could even tell I was 9 mos along if I wore my heavy biker jacket and stuffed my hands into the pockets.

Life, however, was not a fairy tale for me. I survived (ie, maintained weight without losing more) on a diet of chicken, rice, angelfood cake, turkey, bread, occasional shrimp. I carb loaded as much as possible. With coexisting gallbladder disease, I found I had a daily fat limit of 3 g. Any more, and I had prolonged flares that left me weak and dehydrated. I consumed nothing with fiber (even white potatoes), no dairy, nothing acidic.

I couldn't recline in the bathtub without using a folded up towel to protect my tailbone. I mistook an exposed rib for breast cancer. Walking into a grocery store alone would often set off a panic attack from seeing so much food I could not eat...I was hungry, EVERY day. I was also desperately poor, hiding from an abusive BF, and trying to go to school. I was sick enough for disability, but it wasn't the life I wanted my children to experience.



I later managed to get through school and return to the workforce...but then suffered another failed relationship, a really bad one. The kind where the best friend who performs your wedding takes off with your new groom in the first 6 weeks kind of bad.

I'd say 'too much information', except that, in my case, it was the singular event that catapulted me from 130 lbs to over 200 in less than two years. If I was fat, no man would come near me. If I was alone, no man could hurt me.

Fast forward almost 6 years. Despite my best efforts, I found someone who accepted me and my children. I packed up and moved 2000 miles to be with him. Happy, right?

First year here, pining for the PNW, I packed on 25 lbs. I began my new job working from home...and gained 50 more. And all the while remembering my former self as a bag of bones and missing it.

Homesickness + 100% sedentary living + carb-rich overeating = one miserable fat woman. I'd done so well by switching to vaping from smoking and regaining my lung function last year...now I didn't have any more excuses to not get the rest of me healthy.

So, what now?

Somehow I convinced my DH to attempt LC-ing again (previous attempt lasted approximately one week, if that) and to join the gym.

Status: LC eating going great! DH has lost 30 lbs, I've lost about 26. Gym? Not so much. :blush:

So that's where I am right now, near the beginning of this adventure, trying to dismiss feelings of impatience.

After so many years of putting myself dead last in every aspect of my life, I'm still getting used to this new thing called self-respect. It's weird.
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Old 03-23-2011, 04:24 PM   #2
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Today's Nosh:

B/L: 2 cups black tea/HWC
1 can smoked oysters (these lil devils were awesome lol)
2 cheese sticks
D: fried chicken (sans skin and breading)
green beans
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:18 PM   #3
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Rayne, you're doing am awesome job. KUTGW!
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Old 03-23-2011, 05:30 PM   #4
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Rayne, you're doing am awesome job. KUTGW!
Thank you!
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Old 03-23-2011, 08:24 PM   #5
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Hi Rayne! Goodness, you've been through a lot! I hope you are now able to be kind to yourself and enjoy your time with your kids and husband. You are doing so well-- keep up the good work!

What part of the PNW are you from? OF COURSE YOU MISS IT! It's awesome! Sorry you're stuck way out there in Indiana!
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Old 03-23-2011, 09:13 PM   #6
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Hi Rayne! Goodness, you've been through a lot! I hope you are now able to be kind to yourself and enjoy your time with your kids and husband. You are doing so well-- keep up the good work!
Yes, life was essentially surviving one crisis while waiting for the next to hit. I was in Basic Survival mode for probably two decades, and I know the stress of it all made its mark on me and both of my kids. Greatly reduced stress now (w00t!), big fat butt LOL. You win some, you lose some...

Quote:
What part of the PNW are you from? OF COURSE YOU MISS IT! It's awesome! Sorry you're stuck way out there in Indiana!
I was born in King Co, WA, and lived there on the Eastside in the 'burbs til my 30s, then lived my last 10 yrs or so in Snohomish Co, north of Seattle. My son, mother, grandmother, and sister all still live there. *sigh* I miss the beauty of it, the mind-numbing rainy seasons, the sounds of sea lions barking in the morning off Puget Sound, the seafood (fish in Indiana? LMAO. Only if you like frozen. ), and MY MOUNTAINS! I don't miss the horrific traffic (used to take between 50 min to 3 HRS to commute from Lynnwood to Pill Hill/Harborview Hospital) or the insane cost of living. That last one was the final straw for me. Two jobs as a medical coder, no time with my kids, barely made ends meet.

My DH is enormously fed up with my whining about Indiana...then again, he's never known anything but life in this town of 15k people. Indianapolis terrifies him. The suffocating heat and humidity in summer don't faze him; meanwhile, I'm a hair above comatose with minimal exertion.

But it's cheap!

We keep saying if we ever can afford to, we'll head west. So perhaps that will be my 2nd goal, the first goal reaching a weight in the 'normal' range.

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Old 03-25-2011, 10:42 AM   #7
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3/23 Weight: 224.2
3/24 Weight: 223.8
3/25 Weight: 222.6

Is it truly necessary to make a woman lug around almost 3 lbs of water for one week per month? I'll never understand TOM...

Today's Nosh:

B: Coffee/HWC
L: Still not particularly hungry, maybe 1/2 avocado
D: probably leftover Chicken Oporto, roasted brussels sprouts, salad
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Old 03-26-2011, 06:52 PM   #8
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And overnight I'm back up to 224.6. I'm going insane...

Today's Nosh:

B: Almonds. LOTS of almonds. Great, I've found my carb trigger food...
L: Skipped it out of guilt.
D: Broccoli Cheese soup from the other night, added sliced andouille sausage to perk it up (didn't really need it, but was a nice change)...and some chopped pecans to top off the bowls. Amazed I stopped at about 2T of nuts.

My water consumption was next to zero. Whoops. Drank a cup of coffee and a diet Mountain Dew, and that's it. Wasn't particularly thirsty, but I know I should've pushed the fluids all the same.
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Old 03-26-2011, 07:09 PM   #9
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Rayne that's why I went to weighing weekly, it started getting on my nerves the up and down yo yo daily weighing results.
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Old 03-26-2011, 07:28 PM   #10
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Quote:
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Rayne that's why I went to weighing weekly, it started getting on my nerves the up and down yo yo daily weighing results.
::nodding:: I think I may have to bite the bullet and try that, too. After years of avoiding the scale (even at the doctor's office lol..."Don't tell me what it is!"), it's become an obsession to weigh daily. It IS stressing me out needlessly.

Here is my song of the day for de-stressing:


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Old 03-26-2011, 07:30 PM   #11
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I know, going to weighing weekly has really taken a lot of stress off of me.
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Old 04-09-2011, 11:25 PM   #12
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And overnight I'm back up to 224.6. I'm going insane...
Weight: 222.0

^^And it took TWO WEEKS to get there. That last week of March I ballooned to 228 thanks to developing a sinus infection, which likely caused inflammation and water retention. Also didn't help that the cold meds I took probably had hidden carbs. Miserable 2 weeks.

On top of it, my husband, originally at 347, is now under 300. [enter expletive here] I know I should be happy for him...Yes, I am happy for him...I'm feeling discouraged and down on myself. I've basically been at the same weight for something like 3 wks now.

I haven't been drinking enough water--something I had finally gotten into a habit of doing--and I'm finding it almost impossible to get myself to drink it.

On the upside....we found a bigger house to move to next month. After living 4 yrs in a tiny, 600 sq ft, 2 bdrm 'dollhouse' (3 people), we're about to move into a 1740 sq ft, 1920 Folk Victorian. Is it pretty? No. It's been the victim of some pretty offensive and amateur 'renovations', like orange shag carpet (DH ripped it up today--yay!), fake wood paneling (my nightmare), and paint over stained glass door transoms.

Anyone seen the movie 'The Money Pit'?

Still, I can't wait to live in a house that doesn't make me claustrophobic.
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Old 10-06-2012, 11:25 AM   #13
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Well, all it took was moving into that house and not having a working stove for several weeks to kick me off LC...and a complete lack of motivation to keep me off for over a year.

Bad News: I regained all of my lost weight. No surprise.

Good News: Since restarting 2 days ago, I've lost 4#, probably mostly water, most of it likely from my ever-swollen right foot and ankle**.

Other Good News: I bought a Total Gym...and now I just need to get off my duff and use it.

What I've Learned In A Year: My husband is a TERRIBLE diet-and-exercize buddy. His motivation and determination are nil, and he will only follow whatever I do. Great. [whine] This means I'm responsible for me. (Ok, I knew this deep down, but I'm really kind of sick of being the one in charge, darn it.) [/whine]


Today's food: Nothing yet (and it's after 2pm), just not motivated to eat at the moment. All I've had in 4 hrs is a cuppa hot Chai w/Truvia and a tsp of cream, about to drink a VitaminWater Zero. For dinner, I'm thinking something pork-choppy, green beanny, and maybe cauli-faux-tatoey.



**and this is after a year of using Lasix to no avail...all it took was Induction for 2 days :: poof:: Gone.

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Old 10-11-2012, 01:49 AM   #14
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Rayne, I just wanted to say good luck, your story is really inspiring.
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Old 10-15-2012, 11:43 AM   #15
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Thank you so much, Jinny


Updates:

DH forgot to buy HWC a few days ago, so I started adding Coffeemate to my coffee (at 2 rounded T per cup) -- holy cow, that's 12 carbs for two mugs of coffee I drink every day! :: pushing mug away:: Back to VitaminWater Zero...yikes.

After gazing guiltily at my Total Gym (purchased a few months ago), I finally tossed DH's polo shirts off of it and climbed aboard. Managed a whopping 5 minutes...but it's a start lol. Next break I take (probably around 4), I'll try another 5 min.

Weight loss since my last post: 2.4 lbs. Slower than last year, but I'm ok with it. Blasted Coffeemate!

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Old 10-19-2012, 04:34 PM   #16
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Day after my last post was the 16th, horrified to see my weight up half a pound to 244.0. It stayed there through the 18th, even after I replaced the Coffeemate with HWC.

Been eating on plan, but for some reason my calories are 'too low' according to both ****** and another tracker...between 700 and 950 per day. I'm just not hungry.

I'd made a beef/caulifower bake topped with cheese two nights ago, it was ok but plain. Reheated last night and topped with a garlic cheese sauce (inspired by the low carb alfredo recipe)...pigged out, felt awful all night and even when I woke up.

After a few hours, I hit the scale. 241.6. Hurray for cheese sauce - I think the extra calories got me out of starvation mode.

Edit: It would be extremely helpful if someone in charge could post a list of verboten sites, brand names, etc. so that members don't have to walk on egg shells and guess. The site name that was replaced (while my post lingered in time-out) with 'another tracker' is found numerous times up until August of this year on THIS SITE, found easily through 'search'. If it's not ok, list it so we all have the same information. Just a suggestion. /rant

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Old 10-21-2012, 11:38 AM   #17
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Long hours at work, plus a daughter who hasn't been taking meds for BPDO -- my stress level has been pretty high.

I'm doing a little better on the calorie front (up to 1200), carbs between 18-22. I made marinated THICK pork chops 2 nights ago (soy sauce, smashed garlic, a few slices ginger, splash of rice wine vinegar, pinch of red pepper flakes, and a shot of sesame oil -- seared on high heat both sides, then covered and simmered, turning once more, til they were cooked through...tender and succulent), then DH made brats with roasted peppers and onions last night (we kept our portions in check).

Tonight was supposed to be beef brisket braised in wine and balsamic, plus garlic and onions, but it may have to wait til tomorrow. Work is kicking my butt today.

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Old 10-25-2012, 09:15 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayne_W View Post
Long hours at work, plus a daughter who hasn't been taking meds for BPDO -- my stress level has been pretty high.

I'm doing a little better on the calorie front (up to 1200), carbs between 18-22. I made marinated THICK pork chops 2 nights ago (soy sauce, smashed garlic, a few slices ginger, splash of rice wine vinegar, pinch of red pepper flakes, and a shot of sesame oil -- seared on high heat both sides, then covered and simmered, turning once more, til they were cooked through...tender and succulent), then DH made brats with roasted peppers and onions last night (we kept our portions in check).

Tonight was supposed to be beef brisket braised in wine and balsamic, plus garlic and onions, but it may have to wait til tomorrow. Work is kicking my butt today.
Made the brisket on the 23rd (Anne Burrell's recipe) with slight modifications. Third time making it, this last go at it seems to be the best so far. A bit carby, but I saved almost all my carb allowance for the meal. SO good! Plus some collards on the side.

Weight
(21st): 240.4
(22nd - 24th): 241.4

Yesterday I took off from work, as we had errands to run as well as having our new landlord over to address some problems with the house. At the end of the day, neither DH nor I felt like cooking. We have a local pizza place that makes (and delivers) crustless pizza. What a lifesaver. Carbs for the day were between 19 and 21.

Weight this morning: 239.8.
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Old 10-29-2012, 11:46 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayne_W View Post
Weight this morning: 239.8.
....aaaaand we're in a stall.

Carbs between 31 (as low carb as I could from the local Mexican joint -- one disgusting and plain chile rellenos + a chicken taco salad sans tortilla bowl) and yesterday's 13 (coffee/HWC, leftover balsamic vinegar brisket, and 2T pecans).

Per ******, yesterday was at 950 calories. I felt nauseated, so I just didn't eat much.

Today I snuck on the scale, right back to 241.

In case it's sodium-related water retention, the rest of the day is going to be loads of water with Mio (orange).

If I restrict my sodium, I get extreme muscle cramps in my feet, toes, and calves. If I eat moderate sodium, they disappear...

It's either sodium...or too few calories (starvation mode).
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Old 10-30-2012, 03:03 PM   #20
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Scale today: 241.4. Up 0.4.

I was a very good girl yesterday (L - can of little fishies (I'm a sardine junkie lol), D - porterhouse steak, coffee/HWC, 3/4 C cauliflower/brocc w/cheese), probably too low in fat, really not at all hungry all day, had to force myself to eat dinner.

And then it dawned on me: the moon's been awfully round these last few days. Duh. TOM on the horizon.

TOM, ya killin me here.

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Old 11-01-2012, 01:04 PM   #21
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Busy day yesterday. DD (still off her BPDO meds) was having a major issue with anxiety, and my work was very much affected. Worked off and on all day and through the night.

Pushed away from the desk at 5am today.

Was still 241.4 yesterday...held off on eating until around 9pm. Ate 2 bunless Steak n Shake burgers (the Cheddar and a Wisconsin Buttery) and 3 sides of cottage cheese (visual estimate at about 3/4 C). Cals approx 1000, carbs at around 16.

Saw how horribly swollen my feet were this morning, so I soaked them in a warm foot bath before getting some shut-eye...and also gave in and took a Lasix with a tall glass of Mio.

This morning?

Back to 239.8. And my feet are still pretty swollen, so there's more water just waiting to be shed. Took another Lasix this afternoon. ::keeping fingers crossed::
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Old 11-02-2012, 08:51 AM   #22
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Yesterday I had every intention of doing a day-long egg fast...but plans changed.

B/L: mid-afternoon meal of 3 HB eggs with 1 T butter per egg, salt/pepper, mashed with a fork (my favorite way to eat eggs as a kid, also if I'm feeling sick).
D: George Stella's meatloaf recipe (altered from 1/4 CUP Splenda to 3/4 TEASPOON), 1/4 of the loaf; 2 C romaine with Marie's Creamy Garlic dressing (2 T).
LOTS and LOTS of water, plus two cups coffee/HWC

Carbs: 14.7 Cal: 1424

Weigh-in this morning: 238.6. Downward movement!!

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Old 11-03-2012, 11:38 AM   #23
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Not sure what happened yesterday, but I was famished the entire day.

B/L: 3/4 can salmon, 3 HB eggs w/butter
D: 3 Oscar Meyer beef franks, spinach sauteéd with garlic and a smidge of balsamic, romaine salad with 1/2 avocado and 1 T parmesan
S: 4 oz cream cheese

Carbs (net): 16.4 Cals: 1912

No surprise, but the scale today reads: 239.4. ::heavy sigh::

I went in to ****** and it shows I've been between 950/1000 cals and 1500 on alternating days, almost without fail, for the past 10 days. Until yesterday. TOM should be here shortly, if my appetite is any indication.
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Old 11-03-2012, 02:10 PM   #24
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Love the title of your journal! Don't worry about the weight gain, Tom always screws things up. You know it's just water right?
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Old 11-04-2012, 10:46 AM   #25
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Western WA>>Eastern Indiana
Posts: 804
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Stats: 255/229.4/140 5'6" (12.5" lost)
WOE: JUDDD
Start Date: 10-2-12 (LC) 11-18-12 (JUDDD)
Quote:
Originally Posted by muffles View Post
Love the title of your journal!
Thanks!

Quote:
Don't worry about the weight gain, Tom always screws things up. You know it's just water right?
Yep, it's water...but my frustration is that I've been battling pedal edema for a few years now (I sit at a desk all day long), and slight changes in water weight make my feet and lower legs balloon. TOM just adds to the fun lol.


I was much more controlled yesterday, food-wise:

B/L: Flax muffin** with cream cheese
D: Shrimp scampi with Alfredo sauce over spaghetti squash



Cals: 1168 Carbs: 17.7

Today's scale: 238.6

**The first flax muffin that made me gag. The last batch (sweetened w/cocoa added) were done in the oven a few weeks ago, when our microwave oven went on the fritz. Microwave got replaced, and I got the great idea to try one without sweetener, with added cream cheese, shredded cheddar...and a smidge of Vegemite. I know, most Americans detest the stuff, but before I went LC this time, I spent the better part of 9 mos first discovering that I even liked it, then eating Vegemite on toast almost daily (my favorite: on rye with avocado - omg). I've been going through some pretty serious cravings...and it just isn't the same on celery.

Anyway, that little muffin -- spread with copious amounts of cream cheese and a schmear of 'Mite -- was about the most foul thing I've ever made. I think I need to order some almond flour online to make these suckers somewhat edible (and also stick to baking them in the oven - I can't get past the sensation of eating a bath sponge when they're nuked). Til then, I guess I'll have to resort to Vegemite on avocado.

Or straight from the jar.
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Last edited by Rayne_W; 11-04-2012 at 10:54 AM..
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Old 11-04-2012, 04:05 PM   #26
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WOE: leptin reset , OA
Start Date: 11/11/13
Have you tried vegemite smeared on celery sticks? It's delicious!
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Old 11-04-2012, 05:05 PM   #27
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Start Date: 10-2-12 (LC) 11-18-12 (JUDDD)
Quote:
Originally Posted by muffles View Post
Have you tried vegemite smeared on celery sticks? It's delicious!
I have, it's not too bad, especially when there's nothing else to put it on. But the one HC thing that I crave is toast. LOL. Not chocolate. Not ice cream. Not pizza.

TOAST!

I'll keep trying to devise something edibly bready enough for butter and Vegemite, hoping for something I can toast as well.

I've heard some people just spread it on cheese (I used to love it inside a grilled cheese sandwich). I'll try that next.

Last edited by Rayne_W; 11-04-2012 at 05:06 PM..
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Old 11-05-2012, 10:04 AM   #28
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Western WA>>Eastern Indiana
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Stats: 255/229.4/140 5'6" (12.5" lost)
WOE: JUDDD
Start Date: 10-2-12 (LC) 11-18-12 (JUDDD)
Yesterday looked so good, but it was just...wrong.

B: Avocado with 1t Vegemite
L: Leftover Stella meatloaf (2 slices), 2T Alfredo
D: Roast chicken (thigh/drumstick), 1/2C fauxtatoes

Cals: 1744 Carbs: 20.3

10/4: 238.6
10/5: 241.0

THREE POINT FOUR POUNDS!!! I'm a sponge. No other explanation.

Both feet horribly swollen, which progressed to full-on cramps during dinner, continuing all night and waking me this morning. I flushed with water last night, took extra salt, potassium, magnesium, calcium, and zinc. This SUCKS.

Today, I'm planning ahead and posting what I WILL eat, rather than what I DID eat:

B/L: Can of sardines, 2 stalks celery w/3T Alfredo as dip
D: one piece of leftover chicken, only 1/4C leftover fauxtatoes, 1/2 C roasted brussels sprouts, ginormous 3C salad with 2T Maries Creamy Garlic dressing

Cals: 998 Carbs: 13.2



The (bad) Haiku I posted in Century Club:


Salt, Lasix -- at war
Both feet swell, regardless
I am ocean-sized!!


(I actually think it's closer to Lake Superior-sized...but it wouldn't fit. )

Last edited by Rayne_W; 11-05-2012 at 10:05 AM..
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Old 11-05-2012, 02:12 PM   #29
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Western WA>>Eastern Indiana
Posts: 804
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Stats: 255/229.4/140 5'6" (12.5" lost)
WOE: JUDDD
Start Date: 10-2-12 (LC) 11-18-12 (JUDDD)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayne_W View Post
10/4: 238.6
10/5: 241.0

THREE POINT FOUR POUNDS!!!
First of all, I appear to be math-challenged today (2.4, not 3.4!). Also realized I'd weighed myself with my heavy sweater on.

Corrected weigh-in: 239.8. Much better. Can feel my BP dropping, too.

Also ran across this post, and I think I need to make a point of reading it at least weekly:

Last rant ever

^^HIGHLY recommended.
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Old 11-05-2012, 03:51 PM   #30
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Stats: 112.2/106.7/65kg
WOE: leptin reset , OA
Start Date: 11/11/13
The almond thins recipe is pretty good as a cracker substitute. Elana's pantry has this recipe
Paleo Bread - Healthy Gluten Free Bread Recipe | Elana's Pantry I haven't tried it yet, but intend to buy some coconut flour and give it a go.
Don't stress about the water weight, you know it will come back off.
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