Rayne's Circle of Calm

[Rayne_W]

::WARNING: Aimless Rambling Ahead::

Job-Hunting Update:

After the initial excitement of last week's speculative offers by different recruiters, I took the time to research the consulting/staffing firms as well as a few of the possible facility placements. So glad I did. I'm now in the process of eliminating the firms/placements that would be as bad as, or worse than, what I have right now. Taking Wednesday off so I can concentrate on the remaining firms/positions and their coding tests.

Current job/garnishment update:

I found a resolution to the direct deposit nightmare, and I slept like a baby for the first time in about 10 days. Also surprisingly hopeful about the prospect of getting to a settlement with that other, nasty issue (and maybe ::knock on wood:: as soon as 5 weeks from now). As long as DH doesn't overspend, we should be golden.

I call this blog my 'circle of calm' mostly because 'calm' has been such an elusive aspect of my adult life. I lived in crisis mode for decades, which led to severe IBS, panic attacks, depression, recurrent insomnia, overeating....I felt like my life was running me rather than the other way around. Almost all of the stress/crisis/instability went away after I moved to Indiana and married my DH (which is still so miraculous to me), and it dawned on me that I've become extremely protective of that relative level of inner peace...my 'circle of calm'.

All this may seem stupid, but this is really the first time in my life I've felt like I have room to breathe and actually make sane life choices. Before, I always felt like every decision (usually job-related) was a life-or-death one and that I really had no options. Ten years ago I would have jumped at the first job offer, no question about it.

I guess this is my way of confessing to a minor binge the other night when all of this -- new jobs/present job -- was overwhelming me and my overly-analytical brain (I know we have a number of Virgos on the board and a few people who are into astrology -- if they've ever heard of a stellium [in Virgo, no less] or a T-square, that is my particular nightmare LOL). So, I ruined a DD (turned into a MD), somehow hung onto my UD cals the next day...but that junk food session really disturbed me until I figured out what had prompted it, and the revelation that I can and should say 'no' right now to the job offers that are stressing me out.

I'm a bit of a slow learner.

[Rayne_W]

Drive-By Weigh-In

1/1: UD DNW
1/2: DD DNW
1/3: UD 232.6
1/4: DD 232.6
1/5: UD 232.6
1/6: DD DNW
1/7: UD 232.0
1/8: DD 232.8 (SPUDDDing it today)

[Lyric's Mom]

Hey Rayne,
Hope you're hanging in and feeling better. I miss your sweet smiling face Avi though. :-)

[Rayne_W]

Originally Posted by Lyric's Mom

Hey Rayne,
Hope you're hanging in and feeling better. I miss your sweet smiling face Avi though. :-)

I think I'm over the bug, but definitely feeling hormonal (my DH is overjoyed ).

I'm feeling a lot less stressed about the job situation, so Mr Flibble can be retired for the time being.

How have you been?

[Lyric's Mom]

Yay! Sweet smiley avi is back! It always lifts my mood for some reason. Im doing ok thanks. JUDDD-wise things are great. Doing only two DD a week now and maintaining just fine. Enjoying lots of carby, sugary sweets which has been fun. It is my resolution to eat more veggies & fish though so I have to work on that.

Personally, things are OK I guess. I just finished school & have my paralegal degree so I start an internship next week. I will also be going back to school to take my transfer classes so I will be busy. Throw in that Lyric just turned two so Im dealing with a toddler in all her tantrum glory! And Im slowly coming off SSDI so things can be a but more challenging for me but Im hanging in. I just have to try to not get too overwhelmed or stressed. I guess we all have some of the bitter mixed in with the sweet huh? lol

[Rayne_W]

Originally Posted by Lyric's Mom

Yay! Sweet smiley avi is back! It always lifts my mood for some reason. Im doing ok thanks. JUDDD-wise things are great. Doing only two DD a week now and maintaining just fine. Enjoying lots of carby, sugary sweets which has been fun. It is my resolution to eat more veggies & fish though so I have to work on that.

One of mine, as well. Last night's dinner was supposed to feature broccoli in a really big way, but I was doing coding tests and had zero time to cook. So fast food it was. Wait -- I did have a smidge of veg: lettuce and onion on the pork tenderloin sammie + onion rings.

Personally, things are OK I guess. I just finished school & have my paralegal degree so I start an internship next week. I will also be going back to school to take my transfer classes so I will be busy. Throw in that Lyric just turned two so Im dealing with a toddler in all her tantrum glory! And Im slowly coming off SSDI so things can be a but more challenging for me but Im hanging in. I just have to try to not get too overwhelmed or stressed. I guess we all have some of the bitter mixed in with the sweet huh? lol

Congrats on finishing school and starting an internship!!
Ash was a year old when I first went back to school (had to stop during my 3rd quarter when my appendix burst), and 3 when I began my Health Info Tech program. I was blessed to be home 24/7 during her entire Terrible Two's year!

I hear you on trying to keep stress and general sensory input down to a dull roar. They spell big trouble for me if I'm not careful.


***

1/1: UD DNW
1/2: DD DNW
1/3: UD 232.6
1/4: DD 232.6
1/5: UD 232.6
1/6: DD DNW
1/7: UD 232.0
1/8: DD 232.8 (SPUDDDing it today)
1/9: UD 232.4
1/10: DD 231.6

[Rayne_W]

Yesterday was supposed to be a day of multiple coding tests. Well, thanks to some pretty dire technical difficulties, I accomplished one (1). A little disappointing, but I focused on the test for the company that I respected the most. My schedule is just too hectic -- and the freebie encoder I'm using for tests is just too awful -- to really devote much time to the other, less-desirable leads, at least for now.

Just found out that I passed , and the next step is a phone interview with their manager of remote coding next week.

Feeling substantially calmer now, which is a good thing. The stress was leading to a bit too much overeating over the last few weeks.

[Rayne_W]

Today's Damage:

Tea all day (6), Mio water (two thumbs up for the Peach Tea)
L - Can of sliced new potatoes (I'm lazy lol) w/Emeril's seasoning (175)
S - 6 mini Vlasic gherkins (2)
D - probably some veggie soup (120) and more gherkins (2)

Total Cals: 305

[Rayne_W]

Drive-By Weigh-In

1/1: UD DNW
1/2: DD DNW
1/3: UD 232.6
1/4: DD 232.6
1/5: UD 232.6
1/6: DD DNW
1/7: UD 232.0
1/8: DD 232.8 (SPUDDDing it today)
1/9: UD 232.4
1/10: DD 231.6 TOM (sort of)
1/11: UD 231.2 Sort of disappointing, being that I subbed 2 babybels for the soup last night, with total cals at 285. Bummer.

[Rayne_W]

Drive-By Weigh-In

1/1: UD DNW
1/2: DD DNW
1/3: UD 232.6
1/4: DD 232.6
1/5: UD 232.6
1/6: DD DNW
1/7: UD 232.0
1/8: DD 232.8 (SPUDDDing it today)
1/9: UD 232.4
1/10: DD 231.6 TOM (sort of)
1/11: UD 231.2
1/12: DD 232.6

Feeling tired and blah.

[Rayne_W]

Drive-By Weigh-In

1/1: UD DNW
1/2: DD DNW
1/3: UD 232.6
1/4: DD 232.6
1/5: UD 232.6
1/6: DD DNW
1/7: UD 232.0
1/8: DD 232.8 (SPUDDDing it today)
1/9: UD 232.4
1/10: DD 231.6 TOM (sort of)
1/11: UD 231.2
1/12: DD 232.6
1/13: UD 230.6

Nauseated all day yesterday...and not so hot today, either.

[Rayne_W]

Originally Posted by Rayne_W

I wound up working a bit extra tonight so I can hopefully complete at least one of the (now) 4 coding tests that are waiting for me. They used to freak me out (especially back in the days I was applying for on-site hospital work), but now it's no big deal for the most part. One of the recruiters tried to scare me off by saying theirs is timed and they "only allow up to 4 hours" to complete it.

^^I wound up passing on that particular company and their test (I've no desire to be paid on a per-chart basis...by the hour works quite well for me), but I did just complete one that came with the suggestion "please allow 2.5 hours to complete".

Good grief, they must have a lot of noob coders applying. It took me all of 45 minutes, including the time it took to reprint and correct two pages after smearing the ink.

So, all of two positions applied for. The rest just didn't wow me. I'll concentrate on work this week, then look for more next weekend.

I need a stress break!

****

Today's/Sunday's Damage:

Hmm. Had a cup of tea...then a bunch of triscuits w/alouette cheese (SO good), then abandoned my plan to make a roast when DH began whining for pizza. So, half an ultimate cheese w/shrooms and green peppers. Still uncomfortable 7 hrs later. Gah. DH would seriously live on nothing but pizza if he could.

Total Cals: Probably astronomical.
Net Carbs: I don't think the calculator goes that high.

[Rayne_W]

Had a long post...but it's in limbo. Might try again in the morning.

[Rayne_W]

Drive-By Weigh-In

1/1: UD DNW
1/2: DD DNW
1/3: UD 232.6
1/4: DD 232.6
1/5: UD 232.6
1/6: DD DNW
1/7: UD 232.0
1/8: DD 232.8 (SPUDDDing it today)
1/9: UD 232.4
1/10: DD 231.6 TOM (sort of)
1/11: UD 231.2
1/12: DD 232.6
1/13: UD 230.6
1/14: DD 231.0

After a several-day respite from the bitter cold, the house is back to its frosty self. I'm missing west coast weather SO MUCH right now!

[Rayne_W]

Mostly a reminder to myself -- you really are losing weight, and the pace is just fine.

I was getting discouraged that this month's losses felt so slow. Surprised to see the rate of loss being so steady.

[Rayne_W]

Today's Damage:

B/L - 1 mug of tea (3), 2 rice cakes + 2 RF laughing cows (140)
D - 1/2 recipe La Choy chop suey veggies/canned chicken/baby corn (190)
S - probably 2 SF jello cups (20)

Total Cals: 353
Net Carbs: 34.9

[Lyric's Mom]

That's awesome that you've been keeping track like that. Especially helpful and reassuring when you feel things aren't moving as fast as you want, but it is moving! Love seeing that downward trend. You should be really proud of yourself, especially considering you got through the holidays and illness--you're doing great!!

[nomorepepsi]

Hi, Rayne,

Great journal you have here... I can relate to having low self-esteem, and feeling pushed around, even if you had society's accepted body... I think that obesity, in many cases, is a misguided attempt to get treated right on your own terms... unfortunately, being fat just makes you more alienated... so what's the update with your job search?

Behlor

[LoCarbGal]

I'm impressed with your low DDs, Rayne. I'm doing good to keep mine 420-460 most days.

I've been hoping to hear good news from you on the job front. It's good you're being particular about what you apply for. There's nothing worse than feeling pressure when you get an offer you really aren't interested in, and know you shouldn't take. Being selective takes that right out of the equation. Good luck!

[Rayne_W]

Originally Posted by Rayne_W

Today's Damage:

B/L - 1 mug of tea (3), 2 rice cakes + 2 RF laughing cows (140)
D - 1/2 recipe La Choy chop suey veggies/canned chicken/baby corn (190)
S - probably 2 SF jello cups (20)

Total Cals: 353
Net Carbs: 34.9

^^Skipped the jello, so only 333 cals

Originally Posted by Lyric's Mom

That's awesome that you've been keeping track like that. Especially helpful and reassuring when you feel things aren't moving as fast as you want, but it is moving! Love seeing that downward trend. You should be really proud of yourself, especially considering you got through the holidays and illness--you're doing great!!

Thank you! I'm doing my best to be 'good' on both days -- still working on it, but I was so glad to see that the trend is such a straight line in spite of me lol.

Originally Posted by nomorepepsi

Hi, Rayne,

Great journal you have here... I can relate to having low self-esteem, and feeling pushed around, even if you had society's accepted body... I think that obesity, in many cases, is a misguided attempt to get treated right on your own terms... unfortunately, being fat just makes you more alienated... so what's the update with your job search?

Behlor

Welcome, Behlor, and thank you! I only concentrated on the best two coding positions this week -- one has a 2nd interview on Thursday, the other one I may have frightened away. They mentioned credit check on one of the application forms, so I told them that if having good credit was mandatory for hiring purposes, they should probably stop processing the app now...and thanked them for their time and interest.

So...may actually only have the one in the running at the moment, which is ok by me.

Originally Posted by LoCarbGal

I'm impressed with your low DDs, Rayne. I'm doing good to keep mine 420-460 most days.

I've been hoping to hear good news from you on the job front. It's good you're being particular about what you apply for. There's nothing worse than feeling pressure when you get an offer you really aren't interested in, and know you shouldn't take. Being selective takes that right out of the equation. Good luck!

The nerd in me went through all my JUDDD stats last night:

DDs: from 85 to 848, average 456 (27 cals over)
UDs: from 1797 to 2815, average 2237 (90? cals over)

Pretty sure I'd be doing better if I was sticking to the rules, but I'm grateful it's working with all of my goof-ups!

I'm very proud of myself for being selective this time. I know I was initially so ticked off at the whole corporate/offshoring takeover mess...and once I calmed down a little, I can see that I probably don't have to worry about time constraints for the most part. Giving myself the freedom to be picky and patient is a pretty new phenomenon.


****

Drive-By Weigh-In

1/1: UD DNW
1/2: DD DNW
1/3: UD 232.6
1/4: DD 232.6
1/5: UD 232.6
1/6: DD DNW
1/7: UD 232.0
1/8: DD 232.8 (SPUDDDing it today)
1/9: UD 232.4
1/10: DD 231.6 TOM (sort of)
1/11: UD 231.2
1/12: DD 232.6
1/13: UD 230.6
1/14: DD 231.0 <<soy sauce overkill + a fraction of the water I should've had
1/15: UD 230.4

[Rayne_W]

It's gonna be a really long 2 1/2 hours...

Found Giada's recipe for pot roast (with onion, mushrooms, garlic, red wine, broth, rosemary, and thyme), finally got it assembled and into the oven 40 minutes ago...and the aroma is just spectacular already. WOW.

If we still have grits in the pantry, I may whip them up with cream, broth, garlic and parmesan. DH will pick up a green veg on the way home ('cuz the last one died miserably in our crisper, naturally).

I may not always be motivated to pull off a time-intensive meal on a work day, but today I just couldn't face anything bland.

::hoping it all comes out well::

[Rayne_W]

The stracotto (Giadia DeLorentiis' pot roast recipe) was just....perfect. Got DD to eat mushrooms (didn't know it until she found a tiny piece that didn't get blended in the gravy), she actually cleaned her plate. She even ate the grits (my Indiana version of polenta lol).

Sad that today is a DD, those leftovers will have to wait patiently til tomorrow.

****

Drive-By Weigh-In

1/1: UD DNW
1/2: DD DNW
1/3: UD 232.6
1/4: DD 232.6
1/5: UD 232.6
1/6: DD DNW
1/7: UD 232.0
1/8: DD 232.8 (SPUDDDing it today)
1/9: UD 232.4
1/10: DD 231.6 TOM (sort of)
1/11: UD 231.2
1/12: DD 232.6
1/13: UD 230.6
1/14: DD 231.0 <<soy sauce overkill + a fraction of the water I should've had
1/15: UD 230.4
1/16: DD 231.0

And a song for the day:

Massive Attack - Angel - Live Abbey Road (2006).avi -...

[Rayne_W]

Had my phone interview, not sure how well I did, or even how I feel about it. Confession time: I've gotten extremely spoiled with my current job, not having to clock in or anything, so if I wind up getting sidetracked by family or preparing dinner (or even taking a mid-day shower), it never comes back to bite me. I calculate my total time processing charts, so I actually do my 8 hrs....but my total day is a lot longer than that in the end. Other coworkers state they do the same thing.

Well, I get the distinct impression I will not have that kind of freedom with any other position I take. I'm sitting here almost doubting I could really get my [bleep] together, buckle down, and power code for 8 hours without taking breaks.

Near the beginning of this blog, I mentioned my leg swelling issues. It remains. The only thing that keeps my feet from practically exploding is taking frequent breaks and elevating my feet. I have a strong suspicion this would be a problem in a new position.

Doubts, doubts, and more doubts....


***

Drive-By Weigh-In

1/1: UD DNW
1/2: DD DNW
1/3: UD 232.6
1/4: DD 232.6
1/5: UD 232.6
1/6: DD DNW
1/7: UD 232.0
1/8: DD 232.8 (SPUDDDing it today)
1/9: UD 232.4
1/10: DD 231.6 TOM (sort of)
1/11: UD 231.2
1/12: DD 232.6
1/13: UD 230.6
1/14: DD 231.0 <<soy sauce overkill + a fraction of the water I should've had
1/15: UD 230.4
1/16: UD 231.0 <<2nd UD in a row
1/17: DD 231.6

Stressed, hungry, and on edge all day. Have had 620 cals so far, wish I had a huge steak or something substantial. Feeling very snacky, petrified to venture too close to the kitchen. Awful DD.

[Z]

An employer is legally required to make reasonable accommodations for medical conditions.

You'll probably have to meet them halfway, but all you can do is be honest about what you can and cannot do up front.

[Rayne_W]

Originally Posted by Z

An employer is legally required to make reasonable accommodations for medical conditions.

You'll probably have to meet them halfway, but all you can do is be honest about what you can and cannot do up front.

^Very true.

The woman I spoke with today said something about '4-hour blocks' as a concession, after I mentioned that I'm used to breaking for meals and such. According to the last conversation I had with my doctor, that doesn't cut it. He wants me to elevate my feet every hour, I've been averaging about every 2 hours.

If (big if) I hear back from them, I'll get into specifics. I didn't mention the edema today.

[Rayne_W]

Drive-By Weigh-In

1/1: UD DNW
1/2: DD DNW
1/3: UD 232.6
1/4: DD 232.6
1/5: UD 232.6
1/6: DD DNW
1/7: UD 232.0
1/8: DD 232.8 (SPUDDDing it today)
1/9: UD 232.4
1/10: DD 231.6 TOM (sort of)
1/11: UD 231.2
1/12: DD 232.6
1/13: UD 230.6
1/14: DD 231.0 <<soy sauce overkill + a fraction of the water I should've had
1/15: UD 230.4
1/16: UD 231.0 <<2nd UD in a row
1/17: DD 231.6
1/18: UD 231.6

Ended last night at about 800-900 cals, thanks to hunger that was really overpowering. Finished a jar of giardiniera (pickled veggies) that came in around 20 cals tops...but no, could not stop there. Hello caramel rice cakes. [insert cuss word here]

Determined to keep to my cals today, dagnabbit!!

B - had a glorious mug of Tiger Assam tea with honey and HWC (234). OMG. Gonna have another one, this time with truvia and milk (17).

L - Not sure yet, maybe some hard-boiled eggs, butter and rice (657)

D - sausage and peppers and cheese, sans bread (786)

Total cals: 1694. Need to find 250-450 more...and STICK TO IT.

[Rayne_W]

Until 5 minutes ago, I'd been under the delusion all day long that today was, in fact, Saturday, and that I would have tomorrow off.

It's only Friday?!


::whimpering::




Talk about total burn-out....

[Z]

It's my Saturday! Tomorrow is my second Saturday. Somehow sunday is still my Sunday - until Wednesday when my schedule changes, and I get two Fridays, but only one Saturday and a pair of Sundays.

[Rayne_W]

Originally Posted by Z

It's my Saturday! Tomorrow is my second Saturday. Somehow sunday is still my Sunday - until Wednesday when my schedule changes, and I get two Fridays, but only one Saturday and a pair of Sundays.

I thought MY schedule was goofy!

I usually work M/T/Th/F/Sat, since DH has W/Sun off most weeks, and I'll be durned if I can get anything done when he's home all day. I crave having two days off in a row, but it just rarely happens. All it tends to do is mess with my head (like today).

[Rayne_W]

Drive-By Weigh-In

1/1: UD DNW
1/2: DD DNW
1/3: UD 232.6
1/4: DD 232.6
1/5: UD 232.6
1/6: DD DNW
1/7: UD 232.0
1/8: DD 232.8 (SPUDDDing it today)
1/9: UD 232.4
1/10: DD 231.6 TOM (sort of)
1/11: UD 231.2
1/12: DD 232.6
1/13: UD 230.6
1/14: DD 231.0 <<soy sauce overkill + a fraction of the water I should've had
1/15: UD 230.4
1/16: UD 231.0 <<2nd UD in a row
1/17: DD 231.6
1/18: UD 231.6
1/19: DD 234.0 HOLY SCHNIZZLETS

I'm retaining so much water I swear I can hear seagulls outside the house. I'm fighting the urge to wrap myself tightly in Saran wrap and create a mock sauna in the bathroom using a curling iron and a rice steamer. Good bloody grief!!