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OhLucy 12-20-2009 10:20 PM

Finding the Authentic ME
:blush: Not sure what to do here, but start out simple.
I've decided that this year, this new year, I'm going to do something very different. I'm going in search of the authentic "me." I'm going to really think and find out more about myself. I want to know about my habits and what makes me tick. When I learn that, I can start changing things about myself that don't really speak about the true me, the person I am inside, the person who is screaming to get out. Along with my food journal I'll track how I feel about my progress.

That's it for the moment. :shake:

misslatte 12-20-2009 10:23 PM

Luce! I just subscribed! :hugs:

lalala 12-20-2009 10:28 PM

Yahhhh!!! Love your intro Lucy.

I'm so proud that you are willing to take the steps that you recognize are necessary to improving your health.

I wish you nothing but the best and I'll be here to support you on your journey :hugs:

OhLucy 12-21-2009 09:53 AM

Good Morning!
I'm a bit bleary eyed this morning. I am really glad that I started this last night. And I'm going to be brutally honest on here, at lease that's my intent. So, even when I am in a moment of self-abuse, which is now how I'm considering looking at my eating, I'm going to put it in her anyway because I really think that sometimes we need to get hit in the face with the ugly truth to change our *my* behavior.

We had family over last night. Hadn't seen them in years. Loved it. Their kids had grown so much in the last 10 years. We've spoken but not actually been around them since we live in different states - I don't even know why I'm telling you all this - is it an effort to set the stage for some undue compassion on how I blew it? Or to soften the blow to myself because I blew it last night and feel like crap this morning? I think it's the latter but I don't want anyone ditching me because they think I'm a failure already and don't take this whole change in eating/weight loss journey. I think I've always given up on myself, which is pathetic in itself, but I am really on this quest to have the Authentic Me rise to the surface. I cannot believe that I can walk around in this package, but this isn't the best packaging for me. I need to strip away the extra padding, the extra buffer, the extra and unnecessary "stuff".

But let me back up. So last night AFTER I set this up, and AFTER I should have just gone to bed, and AFTER everyone left and all my everyone's had gone to bed and I was alone tidying up the kitchen and loading up the diswasher - I had a piece of cheesecake, but not one, two, and not just two pieces of cheesecake, I had a glass of wine......well not a whole glass of wine, but only maybe 1/2 cup if that, but still, I want to stand right here and admit it. And you'll all be glad to know, that I feel like .........like what? Like what I am, a big cheater, and I didn't sleep well at all, my head hurts, I feel like a disgusting mess..........and I am going to sit right here and tell you that I am GLAD! Really! And do you want to know why? You probably already know - Because I needed to remember FULL FORCE WHY I want to change and I am absolutely going to take this seriously!

I got up this morning and my head is foggy. I feel like a stuffed sausage, and not in a good way, and I'm repentant.

So - I've gone in the kitchen to unload the dishwasher and get the next load in, which were the dessert plates, the enemy, the plates on which my sin lay, and again I remembered why I don't want to do this. And just for the record, we very, very rarely drink and never have it in the house because we just don't, but they brought it over and I knew I felt like "ooooooo" - I should have known then.

Anyway, that's yesterday and I'm sitting here with my coffee, with cream and Splenda. In a bit I will cook the bacon and eggs that I have sitting on the counter and I've already gone to the store this morning to get more lettuce so that I can use my rotisserie chicken and pile on the salad. I took a freezer out of the freezer to cook so that even though I make enchiladas normally for Christmas dinner, I'll have turkey to have. There will still be enchiladas in existance in a couple of years, right? I need to focus. Please don't give up on me!

Going to make breakfast!


OhLucy 12-21-2009 10:00 AM

I want you to know how difficult this was to put down.....I mean physically difficult. My computer locked up and I could type in, but it wouldn't save, so for a few minutes I thought, "Well, I probably don't have to share ALL that, go into all that," but then I decided "Yes, I DO need to get that out there, otherwise I start right off the bat hiding from myself." So I started going back and forth retyping it into Word, and then THAT locked up and I panicked thinking, "sheesh, maybe I'm not supposed to be so brutally honest" .......but I don't think that's it. I think it was some negative cosmic force that was going to allow me my little secret........ and I would have to shut down my computer and then I wouldn't want to have to relive that whole thought again and forget it. But, I kept going and finally the computer righted itself and I was able to send the post. This may not seem like much but I don't tell ANYONE, ANYONE this stuff. They all think I'm fine ......but if I was, would I be carrying around an extra Me? I don't think so.

More about "the Extra Me" another time. I'm off to make my absolutely best omelette ever, with no slip ups.


lalala 12-21-2009 12:33 PM


Originally Posted by OhLucy (Post 12886919)

And you'll all be glad to know, that I feel like .........like what? Like what I am, a big cheater, and I didn't sleep well at all, my head hurts, I feel like a disgusting mess..........and I am going to sit right here and tell you that I am GLAD! Really! And do you want to know why? You probably already know - Because I needed to remember FULL FORCE WHY I want to change and I am absolutely going to take this seriously!

Lucy, I'm so happy that you're choosing to be true to yourself by recognizing your feelings and emotions.

This segment rings so true with me at the moment. I feel like a gross mess, like a failure, like a fat blob and just disgusting. I hate that I feel this way right now but I caused it for myself. I made the choice to eat a half a jar of peanut butter yesterday. Then I was dumb enough to make the same choice today again when I knew that it would make me feel like crap just like it did yesterday. Why did I do it? Good question. I told my boyfriend that I did it too and he just didn't understand why since he's overly fit, eats when he's hungry, and walks around with a 6-pack every day of the year no matter what he eats. I don't think I get it either. What was the trigger? Who knows? (maybe I should've figured that out instead of chanting "death to peanut butter" after my incident this morning? )

Point is, that this sh-it will happen. It happens to all of us. You'll feel like crap for the day/night you'll hate yourself and make a promise to never allow it to happen again. That's not always the best thing to do. It's better to recognize that it does happen but it should not stop you. It shouldn't stop you from continuing on and not ruining the rest of your day by going out and buying another jar of peanut butter. Or thinking...'hey I just ate 2 pieces of cheesecake and some wine, it won't affect me much more if I just eat the rest of it and finish the bottle.' So just pick up on your pretty little low carb journey. Get your act together fry up that omelet and no matter what you do, keep posting what goes through your head. Because sometimes we have no way of regulating the crazy traffic that goes on up in there unless we put it out into words even in the most unorganized fashion.

Have a wonderful day lady. I'm off to the grocery store to buy some food. I just realized I'm not leaving town til Friday evening. I thought I was leaving on Wednesday so I was ok with surviving on veggie scraps til then. Now I have full clearance to go out and buy myself more food to stock up :)

OhLucy 12-21-2009 06:17 PM

Hahahaa.......:shake: .... Yes, let's get up and go forth!! Like the responsible women we are! Yayyyy......:console: We can do this. I'm not a peanut butter junkie, although I do like it, but I can make it stay on celery and don't like a lot of it. Bread, potatoes, I can go freakazoid on so while I'm really trying to get moving on this I can't have ANY. But that's okay.

I stayed true today! I was good to myself. I saw the remainder of the cheesecake in the fridge and did not touch it, and wasn't even tempted to. Since I ate so late in the morning I have not eaten anything other than pork rinds this afternoon. I managed to get a few things done that I needed to do, and now I'm going to make salad and fresh Ranch dressing and tear up some of the rotisserie chicken to go in it. And while that's happening, I'm going to make a head of cauliflower and probably eat almost all of it, with just cheese since I forgot sour cream at the store..... but that's good enough and I will be full. Today I worked on my art. My house was clean, it was totally peaceful and I watched movies that I enjoyed .......it was a good day and I was true to plan! *whew* I'm SO glad!

OhLucy 12-21-2009 08:17 PM

Finally, I ate. Leftover salad from last night, with brand new Ranch, cut up chicken and sharp cheddar cubes. And then, I started on my cauliflower with one pat of butter, salt and pepper and a couple of tablespoons of sour cream. Perfect. I'm full.

And Lalala, please don't feel like a failure.....geeze, you've done great, but isn't it interesting how once you actually "SEE" something about yourself that you don't like, it just hits you in the face and gives you huge pause. At least that's what happens with me. And the part that is crummy is that then I start wondering if everyone else noticed and I'm the last one to know. Maybe that's no big deal.

The triggers? Maybe I'll find that out as I go. But at the moment I think I mess up because I fail to prepare. I was kicking myself for going through the nuts, but I was doing well. I ran out of the nuts but still wanted a snacky thing, I should have just gotten more. I still want to be careful with cheese and not eat too much of that.
I know that I cannot have ice cream or sweet things around me right now.

*Still eating my cauliflower.*

OhLucy 12-21-2009 08:22 PM

I don't even want to get to the point that I say "Oh I screwed up so I may as well finish off the day eating whatever I want......." I hope I never do that. I want to get up quickly and go on. Just like your motto Lalala, "fall seven times, stand up eight." Sometime I'll tell you how very close to me that line is!

lalala 12-22-2009 12:28 PM

Lucy, I hope you're having a much better day today. I really think preparation is key especially right when you're easing into low carb and moreso this time of year when everybody is eating everything (which includes all the things you're trying to AVOID). Equip yourself with lots of the things that you know will keep you on plan and away from the junk.

And I really appreciate the kind words Lucy. It's just the fact that I was not able to control myself that really irritates me, plus the tiny amount of fear that I'd put on some pounds as a result of my lack of control. Ironically, that wasn't the case at all though. I weigh myself almost daily, and my weight has consistently stayed at 133 for the past week or so no matter how much I've eaten. How I can consume a 16 oz jar of peanut butter in 4 and a half days and not gain a pound is really beyond me. My annoyance with myself grows the more I think and dwell on this so I'm choosing to move past it from this point on and strive to not put myself in a situation where it will happen again.

I think that's what we both need to learn is that we've made mistakes, now all we can do is try our best to surround ourselves with what we need in order to not allow it to happen again. :high5:

And I've realized that cauliflower is to you, what broccoli is to me. I ate at least a pound of broccoli yesterday:p

Have a nice day luce

OhLucy 12-22-2009 02:04 PM

Don't you love it?! I love cauliflower! And the peanut butter fiasco........yes, I completely understand - it's the "control" factor. I have to agree and admit that it's a scary thing. Because I want to do well, or eat well, or think well because I've made it second nature, or I'm good at the self-discipline but it can so quickly fly out the window. I've had, not right now or recently really, but I've had those moments where in the blink of an eye I don't give a crap about anything or anyone, I just want it and I don't care what it's going to do.........and since I'm a huge Intervention junkie (poor choice of words I suppose) but I'm no different than those with some of the worst drug/alcohol problems. Those aren't my drug of choice, I obviously prefer mine with catsup, or sugar attached, but that out-of-control feeling where you're just free falling.......THAT, is weirdly scary because what if you never GOT control? CRAP!

So.....I've told a couple of people, I think that included one waitress, that "No, thanks but if I got that I may as well just shove it in my pants because THAT's where it's going to go," but my daughter told me to STOP it because it was just too weird of an image. But seriously.......if I get that image in my head.....like (not that I'd EVER wear this) but get that image of like those Maxine greeting cards......me with orange polyester pants, and bulging tummy, and some other weird knit sweater and some odd little old-lady hat, pulling the waistband of my britches forward and pouring a plate of food down them........maybe if I could just think of that it would stop me from wanting to eat bad stuff. That's just my thought du jour!

Scrambled eggs with cheese and onions, but they were disgusting because they weren't totally done so my dog got half of them, and a half of a bratwurst link. Coffee with cream and filled up a couple of times til it was black.

2 p.m. and all's well!


OhLucy 12-23-2009 08:54 PM

Yesterday - Tuesday - Omelette with cheese and onions, didn't finish it, looked a little runny for me and I was too lazy to go back and mike it.
L- Two lean ground beef hamburger patties with s/f catsup (hey! it's REALLY good stuff!) and a sliced tomato, some broccoli and small salad.
D- Turkey with two tablespoons of cranberry sauce.
GOOD day!!!

Today - Wednesday -Bacon and two eggs (two pieces of bacon), coffee with cream and Splenda.
L - A carnitas tostada which had carnitas, lots of shredded lettuce, tomato, sour cream and guacamole and salsa. No rice or beans. Iced tea with nothing in it.

Felt queasy yesterday afternoon, but wasn't sure what it was, it passed. But after eating the last of the eggs this morning I decided that they might have not been very fresh because I'm feeling not so swell today. So I probably won't be eating anything tonight.......:sick:.blechhhhhhhh.

misslatte 12-23-2009 08:57 PM

I hope you feel better!

lalala 12-23-2009 09:01 PM

Lucy Luce :P

I know you're probably posting as I'm typing this but anyways I hope you're feeling better as a result of your bad eggs. I hate it when I get a sour stomach from something I've eaten but I dont know exactly what it is.

Anyways...I'm actually leaving for vacation on Friday and I won't be returning until the 4th of January. Then I'll be leaving for another trip (for work though) from Jan 8 to the 10th. Both to southern cali :birthday::birthday:

And for my cranberry compote....I just take a bag of fresh cranberries and mix it with about 3/4 to 1 cup of water and boil until they've all popped and I smash 'em up real good and store in the fridge. Then I add stevia to it and it tastes fabulous. I just bought another bag of cranberries today, but I didn't want to make the whole thing so I just took a couple handfuls in a glass bowl and added a tiny bit of water and put in the microwave for 2-3 min and they all popped so I smashed, and added stevia and put in the fridge and got the same tasty result. If you are allowing them in your plan, you should try them cause they are very good. I'm planning on stocking up on cranberries after Christmas to last me the whole year.

And yes I have very odd and particular food choices, but I seriously love my food. Eating is very enjoyable these days (especially when I don't have a jar of peanut butter staring me in the eyes and taunting me :laugh: )

Anyways Lady, I hope you've had a nice day besides the sick feeling. What are your plans for Christmas eve and day?

OhLucy 12-23-2009 09:04 PM

Awww, thank you! I hate that queasy feeling but it's really good if you don't want to eat. EVERYTHING sounds *shudder* ick. Except for 7 Up but the diet 7-Up is kinda icky, so I won't bother going to the store to get it. I have diet root beer if I REALLY want something, which I don't.

So.....I want a salad like Lalala's! The other day I had one that was pretty big and honestly, I don't know if this ever happens to anyone else, but I get sick of chewing. I mean, I just don't want to do it after a while, so a medium bowl of salad is probably fine.
I'm kind of bummed that I don't feel so swell because now I kind of want some cauliflower. Did I tell you that it was 98 cents a head? How crazy is that when it was $2.49 last week!! So I like to stock up......maybe I'll have it for breakfast because I'm sure as heck not eating eggs! Not for a while anyway. Well, I'm going back to my blanket and a painting I'm working on for Christmas. Nothing like being right up to the deadline, huh?

I'll check in later.


OhLucy 12-23-2009 09:14 PM

YOU are going to be in sunshine, most probably. *sigh* When we moved here from Ojai I thought I would just die from gloom and the cold and had to go down there every few months, but then I got sort of used to it, but still I love to go to my Mom's. She lives in Ventura right by the harbour and it's just delightful.

WHAT is Stevia and can I get the same result with Splenda?
I should probably wait to allow myself many cranberries.....I love fruit and I don't want to get knocked off this before I get a good foothold.

So one of my sons just told me that he might work Christmas morning. The other oldest son told me that he needs to spend Christmas morning at his girlfriend's Mom's house so they can share. That's actually pretty big of him and quite the venture out of "himself." My daughter and youngest son are at home, so we might play games or something tomorrow night, and then it's pretty low key on Christmas. I don't make a ton of food or anything because it's just a crapload of work and it's plowed through in about three minutes and there's this big mess to clean up. We switched off years ago to having enchiladas rather than turkey just because of the ordeal, so usually I'll make them Christmas eve day sometime so that all we have to do is pop them in the oven. I'll need to make an alternative for myself so I'll probably have a hamburger patty on letter with tomato and cottage cheese. I LOVE tacos so I just use the same stuff but skip the tortilla. Since I'm not a crazy baker we don't have sweet stuff around. Isn't that horrible? I mean because I have kids and there should have been some tradition of baking but my daughter never was that interested and I don't need 12 different kinds of cookies, so ......eh.

I just want to relax and either watch movies or go to the movies or play a game. We don't get to do that very often. And we're not all home at the same time very often either. When we are and all the boys are home, it's so much fun. They are so funny and it's so incredibly chaotic. It's like a circus, and I really love it.

It's so low key this year with everyone's finances being tight, but I'm thinking it's going to be really, really good.

I hope you girls have a wonderful day, and Lalala, have a wonderful vacation!


OhLucy 12-23-2009 09:14 PM

Wait a sec...........WHOSE birthday is it?

misslatte 12-23-2009 09:21 PM


Originally Posted by OhLucy (Post 12897588)
Wait a sec...........WHOSE birthday is it?

It is our unbirthday!

Happy unbirthday to Luce, lalala and latte! :laugh:

OhLucy 12-23-2009 09:29 PM

:clap: YAYYYYYYYYy, we can have UNCake!!! "hugs"

OhLucy 12-23-2009 09:30 PM

I think since i don't want to see eggs for a while.........I think I may go to the store and get a steak and split it with my husband in the morning because we'll have a lot of last minute things to do. That sounds strengthening, doesn't it? It does!

lalala 12-23-2009 09:33 PM

Yes, I will be in sunshine. :kicking: Boyfriend and I have several outdoorsy events planned include runs and bike rides along Santa Monica beach :birthday:

and it's no one's birthday, I just like the party hat and the streamers :laugh:

Stevia is an herb that has a sweet taste to it. It's not classified as an artificial sweetener like splenda or equal but it sweetens food to the same effect. I like it because I purchase it in a liquid form and it's easy to just take a dropperful and add it to my food.

And don't worry about not having baked goods. I'm sure its better for your families waists as well. I wanted to ask you, are any of your children overweight by chance?

lalala 12-23-2009 09:39 PM

Lucy..maybe one of these days I'll come on down to your house (I think you live less than an hour from me?) and I'll drop you off a huge salad so be on the lookout for me :kicking::kicking::birthday::birthday:

and i drink diet 7up but it does have an different taste. try diet sprite. I've always liked that more because the taste is a bit more crisp. I don't know how you drink diet root beer. I bought a bottle last week and drank it cause I needed the carbonation and had nothing else. Otherwise it was pretty nasty to me :laugh:

OhLucy 12-24-2009 01:20 AM

Hahahaha........you don't like diet root beer? That's just so weird to me, it's about the only diet thing I really like. But I don't drink it very often. I go in spurts but it really helps if I'm craving something sweet.

My daughter could stand to lose maybe 25 pounds. I decided not to nag but to be an example. I hated my mother nagging me and it obviously didn't help because I've had weight on me for a long time. It was supposed to be a buffer. It didn't work out that way. But that's for a long sad talk at a bar.

So.....yay, you and your big, big salad are welcome at any time!

Well, I'm off to bed. No dinner, but I'm starting to feel a little better. I'll have to buy eggs but I'll hard boil them.......that might be okay. I'm probably off omelettes and scrambled eggs for a while. Ew, just the thought........blechhhhhh. Maybe I'll make a big honkin hamburger patty and pile it with cheese so that the cheese melts over the sides and fries crispy..........YUH and HUM!!! For BREAKFAST!!

Are you driving or flying? Santa Monica......I haven't been there in years. Because I grew up north of that, my favorite place is the Rincon stretch of beach. It's just below Carpenteria. Lots of surfing. And if you've not been to Santa Barbara, you should go on Sunday. On the grass, all along the beach, there's a big art/craft exhibit most of the day and it's a great place to spend the morning walking around. There's some great stuff too!

Just a suggestion. And the whole area around UCLA is pretty great too.

I'm sleepy. I'm getting dopey.



lalala 12-24-2009 01:27 PM


I know that's not you're real name but I think Lucy is very cute :)

And I love any diet pop except for those made with splenda (i have a mild allergy so I stick with aspartame) and root beer/cream soda or that crappy purple mountain dew junk. otherwise I can go through 2-3 liters of soda a day. sad I know but I've done it before.

Yes, good thinking for not nagging your daughter. When I used to go visit my mommy she'd always tell me I looked fatter. She is about 50lbs overweight herself so I'd always be thinking that she was one to talk. Plus, I knew I was fat so I didn't need anyone to tell me. Now she tells me I'm too skinny and tries to force get me to eat every 10 minutes no matter what I just ate. I hope that there will be some balance eventually.

And I'm sticking to mostly HB eggs now too. I used to eat omelet every morning for breakfast. I still enjoy them a lot but I go in phases of how much time I want to spend preparing my meals and omelets are taking too long for me these days :laugh:

And I'm flying down into LAX, and we'll be staying w/ BF's mom for a few days in Los Angeles, then going to his dads house in the San Bernardino area for a while, then back up to LA for a few days. We have lots of stuff planned with a bunch his and my friends so it should be really fun :up:

Have a merry christmas eve lucy :hugs:

misslatte 12-24-2009 05:14 PM

Lucy isn't your real name?!?! lol, Latte isn't mine. I confess.

How was your day Luce?

OhLucy 12-24-2009 06:44 PM

My day was spectacular!! I've got wrapping and stuff to do, but like I said before, I made our gifts this year pretty much. I painted for my children - an Eiffel Tower scene for my daughter and two sort of abstracts for my two older sons. They'll all have their favorite scripture on them somewhere, you know, things that they've stood on for years, or in the case of my one middle son (21) since he doesn't have a favorite scripture, I'll use the one that seems most appropriate for him right now "I know the plans that I have for you, to prosper and be in good health even as your soul prospers..." And we had a never-done-before family reunion this past summer and we got some kind of cool pictures of my three sons and their cousin who they'd never met and is very good looking AND heavily tattooed.......the picture was great so I've printed one out for each of them and found inexpensive glass frames. And my three boys also went surfing so I got photos of them in their wetsuits, and so they'll get that. My youngest son is going to get TaeKwandoo lessons starting next week. And my older sons will get a little card on which they can check a few things on a list of things I can cook for them and then next week then can come home and get the frozen blocks of food. I found a couple of really cool boxes, (hat and rectangle) with Paris paper on them so I did buy those for my daughter, and a purse and a couple little things, and I painted a rather nice Eiffel tower in the springtime scene for her.
So.......now I'm off to get my burger patty done......


lalala 12-24-2009 07:51 PM

Awww Lucy. How nice that you spent the time to actually put thought into making the gifts for your children. I'm sure they'll greatly appreciate it. I'm jealous of the Tae Kwan Do lessons, I've always loved all forms of fighting and martial arts (I'm somewhat non-girly in real life :laugh: ).

I just had another huge salad that you missed out on :p but your burger sounds like a good alternative!

OhLucy 12-24-2009 10:15 PM

Swell, now I want the festive really BIG Yuletide salad......:kicking:

But probably, I'll go set my paintings in their frames and get the other one done first. I hope I can get to bed at a decent time. I've been staying up until almost 2:30-3ish the whole week.

misslatte 12-25-2009 09:40 AM

Merry Christmas! I hope you have a wonderful time with your lovely family today.


lalala 12-25-2009 09:55 AM

Merrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry Christmas Lucy and a very very Happy Holidays to you and your family :clap::clap::birthday::birthday:

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