To Be Where I've Never Been Before....
Let me introduce myself. I'm Olivia.....nice to meet all of you who come across this journal. I am doing this WOE for the 2nd time in the last 6 yrs of my adult life. My first journey was in 2004 after I hit a major low of all lows. I started that at about 260 in which that was the heaviest I ever was. The lowest I got at that time was about 190ish if I recall. It's been years. I managed to maintain that weight for about 3yrs until early 2007 when my relationship started to get rocky. I carb loaded back to about 225 and then what do you know.....PREGNANT. When I had her in Nov.2007 I weighed 263 when they checked me into the hospital. I had severe preeclampsia, had to deliver her early and very severe edema which didnt disappear until 2 wks after she was born. At my 6 wk appt. I was down to 238. It was then got my butt right back in gear. I didnt do full fledged LC. I did moderate carbs. I know I dont tolerate carbs very well but I managed to drop my weight back to about 210 by last Dec. 208.
However, I was not commited obviously, as I allowed myself to have "just a little" this that and the other at christmas time. I didnt know that at that time I was setting myself up for disaster. That sugar literally sent me on a downward spiral til I yet again hit another low. For 5 mons I scarfed down carbs and by May I was back to 243. I was eating out all the time, I was eating cheesecake and donuts (ugh my evil...evil no-no) and just not giving 2 flips of anything. I slowly came back down to to about 225 or so by july.
I will laugh at this one .....ahahahahahh....you see July is my birthday month and I knew that my girls would want to go out, that there would be cake there would be food. Well here comes the weekend before my birthday. I go out for my birthday and of course I have drinks. We go out to Denny's after that and have something to eat. My birthday fell on a wednesday this year, so I also had a little get together at my house. We had ordered Thai food..ALOT of it.....and Im a sucker for it. My mom bought me a gorgeous Cheesecake Carrot cake. 1 slice could of held enough carbs to get by for 1 week. So we ate....we had more drinks ...we had cake......I went out of control. So by the weekend before I started this I had this I dont give a flying ( fill in the blank) attitude. I literally went on a binge (I will go into this in a minute) that put me in a very sickened physical state. That monday before I started, my hun had brought donuts I ate half a dozen that day. He helped with the other half. We ordered pizza.....we literally did not care. I woke up in the middle of the nite so disgusted with myself I just felt sick. Sick mentally, physically and emotionally that I just did it to myself again. That tuesday morning its like something snapped in me and I just knew I couldnt d this one more day. I didnt even want to weigh myself. That starting weight that I have posted here was the last weight I had checked 2 wks before starting. Yes I lied to myself.....I can only imagine I was much heavier. At anyrate....I knew I needed to do this for myself and to prove to myself that I can stay accountable for my actions.
Aug 11th was my first day LC'ing. What made it even better was that I was searching around for low carb receipes and found this site. I was like omigosh.....I need this. Instantly I was reading and knew I had to join. So I have been on here since Aug 13th and have never felt more determination and motivation as I do today. Not only did I start doing this WOE but so did my hun. It makes it that much easier doing this together. he has lost about 18lbs so far and Im at 20lbs down since starting this.
Here is what this journal is about:
My past and current photos
I will also share with you how I got to where I am today.
and of course any rants I feel I need to get out...lol.
So I start this day fresh and new....I will not get discouraged and I will not make excuses. I am doing this for myself and above all else, my health.
Food is an addiction. Like anything else that can become abused, food has no exceptions to that rule. Food can make us feel good, make you feel sad, make you feel happy then sad. It tastes good, smells good and when was the last time your plate told you "don't look at me"? It's just there not caring what you do, how you do it, its just there. Granted food is needed to sustain life, however, at what point did it become necessary for food to take over your life.
I write this because I know I have abused food and let it take over my life. I would run to it because my head was telling me I was hungry. I would crave food so intensly that I felt compelled to run to the kitchen to see what I could eat. I was so consumed with the notion of consuming food that It was the first thing on my mind when I woke up and of course the last thing I thought about before bed. I ate to eat, ate to fill an empty void, ate so I would be happy, ate when I was sad. I ate until I would be sick to my stomach, then be upset that I had ate so much. Consequently, that would lead to another bout of binge eating and therefore repeat the vicious cyle I allowed myself to deal with.
Binge eater huh?
Yah...I binged and not once in awhile it was every day. Ok let me give you an example. I was one of those people who you watched on maury povich or some similiar daytime show who snuck ate. If that makes any sense. I would eat a "normal sized" meal. But if there wasn't anyone around I would sneak food. I was one of those who would hurry up and eat the rest of something up and then say, "Oh there was none left". I was one of those who would go through the drive thu and order that extra meal and eat both of them. Yes I was bad. I would eat when everyone was asleep since I didnt want them to see me eat like that.
I remember being 14 yrs old and in the 9th grade. I use to watch the neighbors 2 little ones every once in a blue moon. On one occasion I went over there and the lady had half of a strawberry cake on the counter. They left went to the movies or whatnot and that cake kept calling me. Now I didnt think anyone would have noticed so I had a sliver of it. Thinking back it wasnt much of a sliver but to me it was. I also had 3 strawberries off the top of it. Well she came home and noticed and asked if I touched her cake. I said NO wow..... I had to really lie? She noticed it, right? lol......She said well I know you did because you have strawberry glaze on you shirt. I was so embarrased. SO UTTERLY embarrased. She said I didnt care that you had some, but you didnt have to lie. That was just one of my horrible stories.
I can go on all day about my life starting from when I was very young. Back to when I was about a 4 or 5 but that will be for another post.
To be Where I've Never Been Before
I named this Journal that as I have never been below 185. I have not seen 199 in 4yrs and I am sick and tired of bouncing up and down. I would ultimately like to attain my goal of 170. If I lose more...then that would be extra icing on the cake. Oh dang..there I go talking bout sugar..lol.
I started to dwell on the fact that I wasnt losing fast enough. That I wasn't getting to my goals within a certain time. As of wednesday I am no longer concerning myself with setting certain times in which I need to be a certain weight by. NO SIREEEEEEE!! I refuse to let myself become overwhelmed with needing to make that goal...so as of yesterday the only goal I am concerned in making is staying OP. If I give my 100% daily the weight will come off.
I did assign myself a mini goal. That is to get to 199...YES...ONEDERLAND. However, I did not give myself a set time to reach this goal. As long as I stay OP and do what I am doing I will lose the weight.
I will stay accountable for all my actions....afterall no one else is responsible for me but ME.
199 here I come...............................
Today's been wonderful so far. I am down to 206 again(I saw it briefly last friday). I feel lighter, my old jeans fit once again and I dont feel all frumpy and swollen.
I went to target last nite with my sister. In september I bought a pair of 18 dress pants from there and was esctatic. Last nite I tried on pair of these cute jean trousers. So cute..pulled them on and what do you know they were loose on me. I could the front away from my tummy. WOW....I tried on the 16s but still too tight. Im proud of myself that means Im in between. YAY.
At anyrate...Its been a busy day earlier. Here is my menu from earlier:
water water water......
2 hardboild eggs
1 Nathans Kosher Hotdog...Yummmmmm
I'm really wanting a cup of coffee right now so I think Im going to have some.
Dinner will be:
1 thick angus bacon cheese pattie...
more water.....green tea.
I am 7lbs away from ONEDERLAND.
I hope I get there soon......
Walking will be done tonight.....I will make no excuses. At least 45-1hr.
I am super excited, I got my halloween costume that I ordered online today. So super cute....Wow is super my choice of words today.....lol. Here's a pic below.
Sorry no makeup and my daughter forgot to put the flash on..........teeeheeee......
He was my father....I though he was good in everyway......
I grew up in a life of poverty. My family hardly had money at times and we always were moving somewhere else. There was never any type of stability in my family. My mom at that time did the best she could do by keeping it all together. She worked alot while my father did whatever he did best at that time. He was a substance abuser and he went from weed to cocaine to "trying to sober up" to speed then he became an alcoholic for 14yrs. There was always something my mom would have to cover up for him about. Not only did he do drugs he also was very abusive, on every level.
There were times when he would drag me and my brother around to go and party. I remember vividly this one time when he got into a fight over someone owing money to him and him and this other man were fighting viciously. I was there standing way to close and I remember the guy going for my father and my dad grab a glass and shoved it into his face/neck. This picture will never go away cause that glass literally spewed blood all over me from about 3 feet from whre I was. I had blood all over me. He took me and my brother home and had to explain what had happened. I was 5yrs old at the time.
My dad would shove food in our mouth to shut us up. To give us a treat, to get us out of his hair. We didnt think anything about it, we just took it. We always thought oh cool we have a candy bar or a soda or whatever it is he gave us. Later I realized it was his way of making us happy so that we wouldnt realize what he was doing.
I have been with him while he was driving and been pulled over. He had possesion of drugs from what I remembered the cop saying. They arrested him and had me walk home. Yes....the police figured it was ok for me to do so since we lived about 2 blocks over. I ran home so fast. This was the early 80's and I guess they thought it was pretty safe. I was 6 when this happened. Another time, again taking me with him cause my mom was always working, brought me to drug house. The house ened up getting raided and I had to call my mom to pick me up. I have went through so much tormented ordeals over my father its pathetic. I do not know what a normal childhood was.
My father grew up in a dysfunctional family as his father was the same way to him. His father left my grandma Nana..bless her soul...and never came back. The abuse and torture he went through was learned and carried on as he became a father. I remember my mom telling me one time that your dad never wanted to be like his father. Too bad he didnt want to try that hard. I know that it is hard to live life and go through things and not do what was tought....I struggle with this everyday.
One time my dad had brought me over to his bestfriends house with him. I knew him he grew up with my dad and they were always around each other. Bob had a rec type room with a pool table, games everywhere, a wet bar and Juke Box. I loved going over there...I could play with anything I wanted just as long as I didnt bother them. Well as I was in there playing Pacman I had also been watching what they were doing. They left out of the room and I walked over to the wet bar and saw what they had done. I put my finger on it and put it in my nose. Yes....I copied them because I was young. I did not know better. I remember this so much because I got sick from cocaine. I ran and found my father and told him my nose was burning and he said why he said what did you do. I said I put that white stuff in my nose like you did. I did not know at that time what all he exaclty did ...He was my father....I though he was good in everyway. He grabbed me and took me home and I started throwing up and felt like there were ants all in my body. He didnt call my mom he just had me stay on the couch or use the restroom. It was like the worst feeling ever. My mom came home later that evening and asked why I was laying on the couch. My dad told my mom and she rushed me to the hospital. There wasnt much they could do since the effects hard already started to wear off so they just gave an IV and watched me. My mom had to explain what had happened and they asked where my father was right now. She said he left as soon as I got home. She always was lying for him. ALWAYS. They sent me home and I was ok but never again did I go with him anywhere while he was HIGH. I was 6 when that happened.
While this journal post might sound more like a vent and past memories aired out and have nothing to do about losing weight .....It has everything to do with WHY I have gotten to where I am now.
I can say that that man has scarred me in so many ways. I am decent to him now...but he will tell me in a heartbeat that he cant stand me. For 31 years I have been hurt over his actions and his actions towards me. It still has not stopped. I am kind to him and he hates it. It's too bad that in the end he will be a miserable old man and I'm pretty sure then he will still be pointing fingers and putting us down. This year I told him I loved him and that I forgave him for things that have happend in my life and that I wished he would be more loving and cared to see his grandchildren. He told me I didnt do anything wrong and Im sorry you feel that way. I broke down in tears.
I am better now in the sense that since this last year I have come to terms with myself and the reason I became the person I am today. From starting out in the world on my own to this moment as Im typing this out.
Food became my refuge. My security. Mine. It even protected me from being looked at so that I would not meet men.
Food is powerful! However, my sanity and well being is more precious then that now.
I was in a snacky snack mood last nite...so I made some peanut butter cookies for my hun. I did the peanutbutter, sugar, egg recipe.....they were ok. I had half of one. It just didnt taste the same as a real PB cookie u know. I rather not have the LC version if I cant have the real thing..lol. They also crumbled way to easily. I stuck them in a zippy bag and put them in the freezer, which at this moment I had forgetten all about them. OOps I wonder if they froze. Dang....lol...
I also made a creamcheese,cinnamon and splenda mix treat. It taste a bit like cheesecake( another one of my fav no-no's) but just the cream cheese texture. I guess I was in a sweet treat mood. Smack smack on the had for me...I also made HWC pudding.
You know whats funny though...I made all those things but I only had half of the PB cookie. After all was made...I didnt feel like having a taste of anything. I think just making the things helped my sugary craving.
I had half a PB cookie with the cream cheese mix spread on top. It was ok. Not great. The PB tasted a whole lot better after being frozen overnight.
My carb intake is minimal. Well as minimal as I can keep it. On most days I am vlc or ZC. Somedays will see between 15-20, not that often though.
Todays not a ZC or VLC day.
3 egg omlette w/sauteed mushrooms, cheese and 1 pan fried hotlink on side. Total carbs 7
I won't do a 3egg omlette again....I shared some with babygirl and still was too much for me.
I had about 8oz of coffe with a splash of HWC and a bit of Splenda
Snack half PB cookie with w a smear of cream cheese mix.
Dinner: 1 angus pattie, cucumber
Water water water...greentea......
A walk later.
I'm still 206 as of this morning. At least no gain, so thats fine.
Today's a loafey day. I dont want to do much and I just want to go nap. I hate that at this time of year I tend to become more lazy and dont want to move around that much. As it becomes colder it gets worse.
Your costume is cute!! I :heart: the shoes! And the fishnets look hot too! :p
Thought I'd stop in and say hi. I'll stop by from time to time if you don't mind. :shake:
Hi misslatte.....stop by anytime you like.....I hope you a have a great weekend......
I couldnt help myself...I really couldnt!
I binged..................and I feel horrible.
I will never make LC treats again. I ended up eating a whole lot of it last nite. I'm pretty much disappointed in myself. Of course I didnt eat anything that I shouldnt of eaten but I overate on those LC things.
Why.......I was bored.
I've done this as well, learned the hard way. When I make the LC treats I think to myself, they're low carb, I can portion these out just fine. Well, needless to say the "oh I'll just have one" thought ends up being half a batch of whatever it is or even the whole batch within a day or two.
This is why I don't make LC treats/snacks anymore. I know I can go WAAY overboard with it. Once I'm maintaining I might reconsider making treats again but I'll need to come up with a plan to master the portion control. Those little cream cheese muffins are evil! :mad:
lol...I made some of those cream cheese muffins last nite too. I tried half of one today and was like wow.....I hope I can get someone else to have these too cause they taste too good.
I did good today though...Im lagging on the water and I feel kinda bloated.?
1 cheeseburger patty 2 fried eggs
water.....of course....drinking greentea right now.
Having chix thighs and salad for dinner.
more water.....this weekend has been something awful lazy. I'm usually not glad for monday to be here but I am looking forward to getting into my groove this week. lol.
misslate i started reading a couple of your posts on your journal but I had to get off to start dinner....I'm going to read up on yours though....I think I got to about the part where you said you loved the way home depot smells.
That's so funny so do I. My sister calls me crazy. When we went to go get a xmas stand for my tree last year I was like wait lets go look around somemore....she said why you dont need anything and I was like well I want to see the tubs and it smells good in here to me..lol...she was like freak.....Yup....I like it too.
Ok...Imma read up on yours....have a good nite!
Today I'm OP and am doing close to ZC. Since I messed up with the whole LC treats thing over the weekend I am not weighing myself til Wednesday. I hope Im at least at the same weight as Saturday morning. Saturday is halloween and I cannot wait for the halloween party. Just to get all dressed up and have fun...YAY!
Im going to probaby do a ZC to VLC week. Tons of water .....greentea....1 coffee a day.
Walk at least an hour each day. I am slowly getting back in the swing of things with the walking. I use to walk so much back in the day .....I really do wish I had the willpower to do it again. Its always an excuse though.
1 HB egg......water.....greentea......
1 angus bacon cheese patty
I had a late lunch so....we will see........
water water water water......greentea.....coffee.........I need to order some of da vinci syrup is that what its called before they stop sending it over the winter.
I was looking at them last nite and they had gingerbread,peppermint paddy, spice, all the ones tha would make a great winter coffee......yummmm
betta getta orderunnn!!!! lol.....
Ok...im off to do the mommy thing.....supervise with the homework and whatnot.
Really couldnt sleep much last nite. Been up for awhile. Just contemplating alot and stressing over no work. I have actively been looking for work for about 5mons. I have had 2 interviews in that time. I question whether or not me looking is really working. I know I've been out of work for over 3yrs now. Why? I took the time be a stay at home mom, I then got pregnant a few months later. Figured this is wonderful, I can enjoy my pregnancy and be apart of my baby girls infancy. Well hardeeee harrr harrrrr HARRRR! lmao.....
My hun injured his hand at work last year. He is on disablilty and our income is very limited. We have our online businesses that can be good at times.....and virtually worth tossin' in a heartbeat the next. Its times when the money gets tight, rent is due,bills need to be paid and the basic life necessities have to be taken care of, that I want to scream and bury my self under a rock with a fridge filled with food.....lmao...If I could afford it.
However, no matter what, things always work themselves out. We may be low on money one day and the next a blessing comes and is placed in our hands. I get discouraged but I know that eveything works out some way or another.
I've been with him for 5yrs and he is the only onething that has been stable throughout this time. Stability has never been in my life.....I can never recollect a moment of it. He has been my stone and I his. There have been times where I just want to run away cause I think I just cant deal with it but I wont....cause that will be doing everything I have learned growing up. I am working on not being or doing those things that just feel second nature.
He is there for me....through everything. Afterall I have put him through (way too much) I always ponder.."why would he want me"? I dont know but I appreciate that he is still here for me.
He even is doing LC with me too. I really Really appreciate that part. It would of been hell to see him eat sweets while I stared down a piece of meat. He's doing good. He has lost about 18lbs so far and we have finally kicked the post pregancy weight that he has gained...lmao.....oh and babygirl is goin' on 2 on nov. 10th. Yah so.....he still was luvin sugars after the miss zoey came along.
I hope our business gets better soon.....It's rough....but we have put some much time and effort into this, and In the end I'm sure it will be well worth it.
Well....I plan on have another VLC/ZC day. Not sure just yet. Still fighting the temptation to get on the scale. That's another one of my problems. It's like I feel I need it to validate me....to make me feel in control of my weight. It does.....or so my head thinks.
Your new avatar pic is cute!
I send you good wishes to find a job, I'm sure it's quite frustrating. :hugs:
Sounds like you've got a good guy by your side, hug him a few extra times today. :p
I usually weigh in every day but I probably shouldn't. Either it makes me have a good day or a bad day. All of my days should be good because I'm sticking to plan and heading in the right direction.
Hope you have a nice Tuesday!
It is frustrating.....but you know....I do keep pushing. If I hug anymore....He might think I want something from him....lmao....J/K.
You have a great tuesday too....I'm off to read up on your journal now too.
Both you guys have a wonderful day...............
So Im sittying here....half fallin' asleep and wide awake all at the same time. Hows does that work?
I took a 45minute walk today. That's walking the kids to school and taking the longer way home. It's 10am and just finished breakee fusttt.
I feel goofy and tired.....that;s what I get for not sleeping last nite........
These ones were rather good. I thought since finding them at wally world they would come out "egh".......
I slice of cheddar 1carb
a drizzle of green chile sauce 1carb
a tbls of Sour Cream 1 carb
who counts eggs as carbs? I dont .....
Not sure whats for lunch quite yet......I need to get to straightening up....or would I rather an hr nap with Zoey girl???? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm I'll have to ponder that thought.....but If I close my eyes......lol.....well you know.
Dinner will be chickentenders and buffalo sauce.
Oh I couldnt help myself and stepped on the scale.......TISK TISK..........@ 210 thats 4lbs up from friday. refrakendaculous!!!!!! all that over my LC binge fest. lmao.....THAT one my LCF's is beyond me!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, I'm just a tad bit disappointed in myself .......
Oh......I cant ever.....ever......ever............get below 210 and stay there...I just cant. This has been since last year too. before I bounced back up. It just wont go down. wierd........but I will stay at around 210....never lower and If I do.....I bounce right back to 210 IRRITATING MUCH! yes very much........
I love your costume. Girllllll your legs look soooooo sexy in the fishnets and those shoes. Don't hurt em too bad on halloween.
Oh girll...u dont even know....I'm ALREADY dreading wearing them...oooh wee....its some work keepin balance on those mugs. lol.........imma try though.......thank you sweetie for stoppin bye......
and to think...i noticed your eyes first....WOW
Hi Liv! Im new to LC myself... Reading your posts remind me alot of me and what I'm about to do. Im scared Im going to fall myself - But if I do, i know ill get back up in the morning and start all over. I'm 24 and feel like i have the body of a 50 year old (not to put that in a bad way?) i just mean i cant shop at hollister, and AE and aero like i used to. I was wearing a size 12-14 in AE my senior year in HS (2003) and want to get back there. I have an underactive thyroid AND PCOS and my stupid thyroid doesnt seem to want to get straightened. Ive went from 25mcg pills, and am now up to 100mcg. My new ob-gyn recommended I do the atkins due to pregnancy issues and im doing it. like you also: The LC Treats. I bought two bags of sugar free candy - if i eat ONE WW Pecan Delight, its 5 carbs... theyre so tempting!! I love sugar free jello with sugar free whipped cream - 1 or 2 carbs is all thats in it. I agree with the eggs though - 3 is SO much in an omelete! i love cheese and mushrooms in mine though too :) LOL I loved your glaze post - that sounds like something i would TOTALLY do!! hehe have a fantastic night!
Wow the weather her is so crazy. It was like hot hot hot for a week. Now its all freezin cold AGAIN. lol......wierd.
Anyways OP. Need to get dinner going. The kids do not want chicken tenders w/buffalo sauce....So they can have cheesy pizza and I will make my yumms.
I made this recipe previously using plain porkrinds and parmesean. I just crushed the porkrinds up very fine, added the parm. and coated with a bit of egg and HWC coat in the " breading" and fry them up. Drizzle a bit of franks red hot or other 0carb buffalo sauce and enjoy......they are so good.
When I made this before I also made mashed cauliflower...but it was so gross....I dislike cauliflower as it is and so tyring to make it like faux masha's killed the whole notion.
I will just have it with a bit of hidden valley ranch dip mixed with sourcream and cucumber spears. I love cucumber.
Well off to get these started.
Hey beautiful. Love, love reading your journal. Ugh, can I have those shoes? Absolutely hawt! You'll be in Onderland real soon.
Hiya.....thanx for visiting my journal. I really hope that this WOE helps with your pregnancy related issues. I hope that you stop by more often......If you need anyhelp just ask.....If you like join me over on my other thread posted in Atkins Induction. ....The threads name is Atknins Newbies? Any New Atkins Inductions. Our thread is so motivating. Read from the beginning as there is so much you could benifit from and also to get a feel of who we are. Ok jessie...I hope to see more of you.
awwww thank you....that my goal....ONEDERLAND!!!!!! YAH!!!! Oh I love my shoes too......this will be the 2nd time wearing them......YSL.....oh yah!
Send them my way when you're done with them. They're just sreaming for a mini-skirt. Vroom Vroom!
lol........will do *wink....I have 2 pairs patent leather ones and the snakeskin ones I am wearing. They both are the same size but for somereason the patent leather ones are so narrow on my feet. I don't know If I'll ever be able to wear those ones. Sucks.....spent alot of moolah on them too. Maybe once my "feet" lose weight lol....they will fit better.
They do scream mini skirt dont they!!! oh so sexy!
Hi Olivia! Love your name! Just read your journal and man have you had a rough life. In ways, our lives are similar. My dad affected my whole life too. He didn't use drugs though. He molested me from the time I was a baby till 3rd grade. He even tried after that. I didn't know it was wrong until then. My mom found out and then began physically beating me. I've been on my own since I was 15. And I got married at 19. He was abusive as well. Took almost 5 years of that and left him too. So, anyways...been with my husband now for 11 years next month. Married for 6 years. I've been through all kinds of struggles. For a long time I didn't care if I had gotten fatter. It was almost like a shield from no one finding me attractive. I look in the mirror and I don't even look like the girl in my avatar. I have the same pic on facebook and a girl from my work saw it today and she said, Tori...that pic looks nothing like you. Does that mean Im ugly now? Sigh... I wanna look like myself again. I miss me.
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