Live well...a promise to myself.

steady · 10-09-2009, 05:40 PM

Ok! This is my third journal.

My first journal ([Psychotherapy Session]) was intended to by my path to mental wellness; A place to vent my feelings rather than taking it out on food. All it did was lead to believe I was truly crazy and to dwell in my anger and sadness and that led to more frequent and deeper binges (ie the binge to end all bingeing). I hated (yes hated) me and the way I felt and writing about it did not help. I didn’t reread journal entries because they were all too painful and feared it would trigger even more mindless escaping binges. My journal did not show progress only realized my demise. Leaving that journal behind was the best thing about it.

My second journal ([Life #2- The Reincarnation of Steady]) was definitely better. I started that journal New Year’s Day 2009. I had a better outlook and a new attitude (atleast acted like it). I was going to make 2009 my year! Again, I didn’t like to reread journal entries, I was still hurting and writing about it. I realized while this journal was more upbeat, I used it to escape my work reality. Journalling became a method of escaping and postponing (stalling) real life, rather than expressing it as it happened. I loved my job, I worked so hard to get promoted, but never realized the pressure to prove to my colleagues that I deserved this promotion. I would journal at work to escape (handle) the pressure to perform at an exceptional level. In any event, I pretty much griped in my journal about work, the people there, and how much it was sucking the life out of me. It really was killing me. I will admit, the pressure was somewhat self-imposed, and was still escaping it all with binges. I often binged to deal with my ongoing predicament: Ok so now you got what you asked for (job promotion) and it was not all it was cracked up to be, now what are you going to do... For DH and I, we are over achievers especially at work and job stress made us isolate ourselves from each other and our friends…we just didn’t want to do anything. Doing nothing, except for overindulging in alcohol and food drinking/overeating, was our escape from our real world. Living life as we knew it was a drag, but we were in denial. We thought we would be happier once we committed to staying in NYC, so we started to look for a condo to buy. The red tape of getting a jumbo mortgage approval in the midst of the banking/real estate crisis was a blessing in disguise. Now, laid before us the mortgage approval, signing on the dotted line would be a definitely YES to: So you really like NYC? You want to live this crazy life atleast for the next 5 to 7 years (ie. working long hours, being married to your job to pay for lots of debt, and not spend money of frivolous things like dining out)? Are you sure? Are you ready? Is this really what you want? DH, the primary money maker, could not convincingly say, “Yes.”. His own practice was stealing patients from him, and there was really no outlook for partnership, and I was saying “Yes”. However, I was in denial that I would like my life better once I committed to living in NYC, but I also knew that DH would say NO. The answer was NO for both of us.

Although there was a lot of disappointment and heart ache in the last year, we are better for it. We’ve made a lot of changes. DH and I thought finally were in the right mindframe to talk about what we wanted (finally): Well as materialistic as it is, we want things that we should comfortably afford with our good salaries. We want the big house with a pool, spa, and a great view, two nice cars, and dine at fabulous restaurant. We want and need warm sunny weather to lift our moods (I am sure I have SAD). DH works too hard not to deserve a shot at partnership; he needed a practice that would offer partnership. I wanted to finally dive into a new career and work for myself. This all led to the decision to move to Las Vegas. We told our old lives to “shove it”. It was the best decision we made. We are closer to each other more than ever, we are better (nicer) people, and we have hopes and dreams again.

So here I am starting my third journal for a new chapter in my life. I really have to believe that I am deserving of a good life. Part of my problem is my outlook, it is my nature to excessively worry and focus on the worse case scenario. I am my worst enemy and I know that. I psyche myself out of things, because I succumb to doubts and feel undeserving of “good things”. I deserve it and so does DH. .

After this long drawn out post, you may ask yourself, “Why is she starting another journal on LCF.” Frankly, I am not sure why. Frankly, I am not sure I will post regularly, but my history is here. This new journal is for me. I welcome any visitors, but I know I am an odd ball that very few can relate to. It is not a diet journal.

Look good, feel good. That is the only way I know how to function. When I look good, I feel good, and expresses itself in my diet. It is delicate balance that I try to maintain, because I spiral downward if I don’t feel good. I eat destructively. I literally chew and swallow my emotions then I don’t feel good and then I don’t look good. Everyday is a struggle, even when I feel good there is also a little feeling of imminent doom that I have to fight.

So here is where I fight the fight and lift myself up and keep the promise to myself and my husband that we live life well...

steady · 10-15-2009, 02:19 AM

Oh my fragile ego…I am fighting feelings of worthlessness. Moved to a new place, no job, no income for me, so I feel like I am not pulling my own weight. Between filing out mortgage apps, opening bank accounts, etc. The question always comes up…What is your occupation/job?…right now I do not have an answer that I want to give. I don’t want to say I am unemployed, I don’t want to say I am a homemaker---not that there is anything wrong with that , but I am so far from it…the house is a wreck (boxes still half unpacked) and I can’t even blame that my time is spent on kids. So to make myself feel better I say I am “retired”. Sometimes I want to give them a whole story…When they ask occupation/employment. I want to blurt out that I am a CPA/MBA that had a great job and that I gave it all up in hopes that my husband will find a practice that is better suited for him. Doesn’t that make me a better person? Sometimes I feel like people look at me like I am a lazy loser, probably because I feel like one right now. Even worse is I have no buying power. Everyone wants to talk to my husband not me…and that just makes me feel worse. I don’t know if it is sexism or that I don’t make the money. It SUCKS!

To add to my worthlessness, this mortgage/house business has been more of a psychological game than a financial one. I have been on the phone all day with the realtor, a new lender, and the most likely old lender that does not know he has competition. You know I hate playing games…that is what I didn’t like about my other job. The job was easy, it was the people that made it hard. Anyway, no one wants to walk away a loser. The seller wants to minimize his loses and we don’t want to pay too much for a property. So it is all a battle of wills he won’t budge his asking price and we won’t budge on our offering price. The seller is also playing another game…well “I don’t really have to sell” game. Are you kidding me? Of all places, Vegas, where the housing market has taken a huge hit and you decide NOW to put your house on the market to test out the waters? I say that is some bullsh..t. He is trying to play cool , but he must have some reason for putting his house on the market right now. We don’t think his house is going to appraise for his asking so we countered. However, I am slightly worried about his non-committal attitude, if the property doesn’t appraise he may not low his price to the appraised value, and he just may actually follow through with taking it off the market, and then we are out the house, the some of the mortgage fees. So we are agreeing to his price, and have him pay for the appraisal up front and if it does appraise we go to contract we will reimburse him the appraisal fee. I think it sounds fair and will call his bluff early rather than later. I just want the ficken’ house, I don’t care what we pay for it as long as the appraisal supports it. Ok tantrum moment, I want this all to go away (except for the house). Buying a house is like a big party on our wallet…the seller won’t pay fees, so we have to, the realtor gets her commission, the title company, the appraiser, oh and don’t forget that mortgage company with their padded fees. Oh it burns me up…the spoiled cheapo in me comes shining through!

Ahhh…that feels better, well a little better. I know this life is good and going to get better, even if my ego is a little bruised right now.

I really got to work on this amotivation. Laziness promotes laziness and I am falling into that rut right now. I don’t like myself being lazy, but I do think it is human nature to prefer laziness. I will unpack everything by the end of the week! It is just hard when I want/feel like I am going to pack it up when we move into house. But I don’t like living in the temporary…so I will unpack it all. It is hard to self-impose deadlines especially when I really have “all the time in the world” right now.

To dos:
10 am: Fax the signed counter.
11:00: Talk to Brad @ Morgan Stanley
11:30 call ING- ask what happens if we change properties.
12:00 call Linda to verify fax and tell her ING
12-5: clean up the office.
5-6 make dinner
6-6:30 eat
6:30-10 paperwork while waiting to see if seller accepts our counter.

Needless to say, emotional eating is out of control. Feeling bad and eating bad. Always LC, but just eating beyond satisfied. Nervous picking to be exact. Ok enough rambling…I know things could be worse and in the end this is all for the best, but it stinks being in the midst. I can't for this housing business to be behind me.

NewYorkGiants32 · 10-22-2009, 12:25 AM

Hi Steady!

I am so glad to hear from you. So you're in Vegas now? Wow! Quite the change from NY. Nothing like spending the holidays in the city. You have top let me know how it is in Vegas.

While I was reading your journal, I had a little bit of insight to something (not sure yet if this is a good thing or not). I was never meant to be a "teen mom", my parents always pushed education,I was suppose to have the good paying job,the distinguished husband,live in NY. That was the type of life I had wanted, very similar to your life. I always thought that this damn sickness kept me from doing better. After reading your last two entries, I think I finally realize that eating disorders know no race,they can hit anyone in any walk of life. As crazy as this sounds, I am so glad you "get" me. Not too many people fully understand my crazy ocd'ish way my mind works.

I really enjoyed reading your journal entries, I can really relate, on a different scale, but it is still there.

10-09-2009, 05:40 PM	#1
steady MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Las Vegas via NYC Posts: 1,565 Gallery: steady Stats: 110/90 5'2 WOE: ATKINS Start Date: Feb 2007	Live well...a promise to myself. Ok! This is my third journal. My first journal ([Psychotherapy Session]) was intended to by my path to mental wellness; A place to vent my feelings rather than taking it out on food. All it did was lead to believe I was truly crazy and to dwell in my anger and sadness and that led to more frequent and deeper binges (ie the binge to end all bingeing). I hated (yes hated) me and the way I felt and writing about it did not help. I didn’t reread journal entries because they were all too painful and feared it would trigger even more mindless escaping binges. My journal did not show progress only realized my demise. Leaving that journal behind was the best thing about it. My second journal ([Life #2- The Reincarnation of Steady]) was definitely better. I started that journal New Year’s Day 2009. I had a better outlook and a new attitude (atleast acted like it). I was going to make 2009 my year! Again, I didn’t like to reread journal entries, I was still hurting and writing about it. I realized while this journal was more upbeat, I used it to escape my work reality. Journalling became a method of escaping and postponing (stalling) real life, rather than expressing it as it happened. I loved my job, I worked so hard to get promoted, but never realized the pressure to prove to my colleagues that I deserved this promotion. I would journal at work to escape (handle) the pressure to perform at an exceptional level. In any event, I pretty much griped in my journal about work, the people there, and how much it was sucking the life out of me. It really was killing me. I will admit, the pressure was somewhat self-imposed, and was still escaping it all with binges. I often binged to deal with my ongoing predicament: Ok so now you got what you asked for (job promotion) and it was not all it was cracked up to be, now what are you going to do... For DH and I, we are over achievers especially at work and job stress made us isolate ourselves from each other and our friends…we just didn’t want to do anything. Doing nothing, except for overindulging in alcohol and food drinking/overeating, was our escape from our real world. Living life as we knew it was a drag, but we were in denial. We thought we would be happier once we committed to staying in NYC, so we started to look for a condo to buy. The red tape of getting a jumbo mortgage approval in the midst of the banking/real estate crisis was a blessing in disguise. Now, laid before us the mortgage approval, signing on the dotted line would be a definitely YES to: So you really like NYC? You want to live this crazy life atleast for the next 5 to 7 years (ie. working long hours, being married to your job to pay for lots of debt, and not spend money of frivolous things like dining out)? Are you sure? Are you ready? Is this really what you want? DH, the primary money maker, could not convincingly say, “Yes.”. His own practice was stealing patients from him, and there was really no outlook for partnership, and I was saying “Yes”. However, I was in denial that I would like my life better once I committed to living in NYC, but I also knew that DH would say NO. The answer was NO for both of us. Although there was a lot of disappointment and heart ache in the last year, we are better for it. We’ve made a lot of changes. DH and I thought finally were in the right mindframe to talk about what we wanted (finally): Well as materialistic as it is, we want things that we should comfortably afford with our good salaries. We want the big house with a pool, spa, and a great view, two nice cars, and dine at fabulous restaurant. We want and need warm sunny weather to lift our moods (I am sure I have SAD). DH works too hard not to deserve a shot at partnership; he needed a practice that would offer partnership. I wanted to finally dive into a new career and work for myself. This all led to the decision to move to Las Vegas. We told our old lives to “shove it”. It was the best decision we made. We are closer to each other more than ever, we are better (nicer) people, and we have hopes and dreams again. So here I am starting my third journal for a new chapter in my life. I really have to believe that I am deserving of a good life. Part of my problem is my outlook, it is my nature to excessively worry and focus on the worse case scenario. I am my worst enemy and I know that. I psyche myself out of things, because I succumb to doubts and feel undeserving of “good things”. I deserve it and so does DH. . After this long drawn out post, you may ask yourself, “Why is she starting another journal on LCF.” Frankly, I am not sure why. Frankly, I am not sure I will post regularly, but my history is here. This new journal is for me. I welcome any visitors, but I know I am an odd ball that very few can relate to. It is not a diet journal. Look good, feel good. That is the only way I know how to function. When I look good, I feel good, and expresses itself in my diet. It is delicate balance that I try to maintain, because I spiral downward if I don’t feel good. I eat destructively. I literally chew and swallow my emotions then I don’t feel good and then I don’t look good. Everyday is a struggle, even when I feel good there is also a little feeling of imminent doom that I have to fight. So here is where I fight the fight and lift myself up and keep the promise to myself and my husband that we live life well... __________________ Real food doesn't need a label or fancy packaging. Last edited by steady; 10-09-2009 at 05:46 PM..

10-22-2009, 12:25 AM	#3
NewYorkGiants32 Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: WA State Posts: 3,711 Gallery: NewYorkGiants32 WOE: ATKINS! (Ish) Start Date: October 30,2009	Hi Steady! I am so glad to hear from you. So you're in Vegas now? Wow! Quite the change from NY. Nothing like spending the holidays in the city. You have top let me know how it is in Vegas. While I was reading your journal, I had a little bit of insight to something (not sure yet if this is a good thing or not). I was never meant to be a "teen mom", my parents always pushed education,I was suppose to have the good paying job,the distinguished husband,live in NY. That was the type of life I had wanted, very similar to your life. I always thought that this damn sickness kept me from doing better. After reading your last two entries, I think I finally realize that eating disorders know no race,they can hit anyone in any walk of life. As crazy as this sounds, I am so glad you "get" me. Not too many people fully understand my crazy ocd'ish way my mind works. I really enjoyed reading your journal entries, I can really relate, on a different scale, but it is still there. __________________ Jennifer Come Visit MYBLOG!!

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10-15-2009, 02:19 AM	#2
steady MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Las Vegas via NYC Posts: 1,565 Gallery: steady Stats: 110/90 5'2 WOE: ATKINS Start Date: Feb 2007	Oh my fragile ego…I am fighting feelings of worthlessness. Moved to a new place, no job, no income for me, so I feel like I am not pulling my own weight. Between filing out mortgage apps, opening bank accounts, etc. The question always comes up…What is your occupation/job?…right now I do not have an answer that I want to give. I don’t want to say I am unemployed, I don’t want to say I am a homemaker---not that there is anything wrong with that , but I am so far from it…the house is a wreck (boxes still half unpacked) and I can’t even blame that my time is spent on kids. So to make myself feel better I say I am “retired”. Sometimes I want to give them a whole story…When they ask occupation/employment. I want to blurt out that I am a CPA/MBA that had a great job and that I gave it all up in hopes that my husband will find a practice that is better suited for him. Doesn’t that make me a better person? Sometimes I feel like people look at me like I am a lazy loser, probably because I feel like one right now. Even worse is I have no buying power. Everyone wants to talk to my husband not me…and that just makes me feel worse. I don’t know if it is sexism or that I don’t make the money. It SUCKS! To add to my worthlessness, this mortgage/house business has been more of a psychological game than a financial one. I have been on the phone all day with the realtor, a new lender, and the most likely old lender that does not know he has competition. You know I hate playing games…that is what I didn’t like about my other job. The job was easy, it was the people that made it hard. Anyway, no one wants to walk away a loser. The seller wants to minimize his loses and we don’t want to pay too much for a property. So it is all a battle of wills he won’t budge his asking price and we won’t budge on our offering price. The seller is also playing another game…well “I don’t really have to sell” game. Are you kidding me? Of all places, Vegas, where the housing market has taken a huge hit and you decide NOW to put your house on the market to test out the waters? I say that is some bullsh..t. He is trying to play cool , but he must have some reason for putting his house on the market right now. We don’t think his house is going to appraise for his asking so we countered. However, I am slightly worried about his non-committal attitude, if the property doesn’t appraise he may not low his price to the appraised value, and he just may actually follow through with taking it off the market, and then we are out the house, the some of the mortgage fees. So we are agreeing to his price, and have him pay for the appraisal up front and if it does appraise we go to contract we will reimburse him the appraisal fee. I think it sounds fair and will call his bluff early rather than later. I just want the ficken’ house, I don’t care what we pay for it as long as the appraisal supports it. Ok tantrum moment, I want this all to go away (except for the house). Buying a house is like a big party on our wallet…the seller won’t pay fees, so we have to, the realtor gets her commission, the title company, the appraiser, oh and don’t forget that mortgage company with their padded fees. Oh it burns me up…the spoiled cheapo in me comes shining through! Ahhh…that feels better, well a little better. I know this life is good and going to get better, even if my ego is a little bruised right now. I really got to work on this amotivation. Laziness promotes laziness and I am falling into that rut right now. I don’t like myself being lazy, but I do think it is human nature to prefer laziness. I will unpack everything by the end of the week! It is just hard when I want/feel like I am going to pack it up when we move into house. But I don’t like living in the temporary…so I will unpack it all. It is hard to self-impose deadlines especially when I really have “all the time in the world” right now. To dos: 10 am: Fax the signed counter. 11:00: Talk to Brad @ Morgan Stanley 11:30 call ING- ask what happens if we change properties. 12:00 call Linda to verify fax and tell her ING 12-5: clean up the office. 5-6 make dinner 6-6:30 eat 6:30-10 paperwork while waiting to see if seller accepts our counter. Needless to say, emotional eating is out of control. Feeling bad and eating bad. Always LC, but just eating beyond satisfied. Nervous picking to be exact. Ok enough rambling…I know things could be worse and in the end this is all for the best, but it stinks being in the midst. I can't for this housing business to be behind me.