Shar's livin in the present, learnin from the past & lookin toward the future!

Happycat21 · 09-22-2009, 02:15 PM

Wow, here I go. My first journal entry! I hope that in a few months, I can look back at this entry and it will be the first of many entries, each one getting me more and more on track.

I weigh around 250 and am 5’3” (barely).

Wow, that hurt like hell to write. This is the most I’ve ever weighed (more on that soon). I have PCOS, sleep apnea, major depression, anxiety, asthma, allergies, and eating disorders. Oh yeah, and low self esteem. Geesh….don’t I sound like the person you would LOVE to be hanging around with at a party? LOL!

Well, let’s see. I am 36 years old, married to a wonderful man for a little over 2 years now and have no kids, just 4 kitties. While I absolutely LOVE being a fur-mom, I want some human kids so bad it hurts to think about it. I was diagnosed with PCOS earlier this year (although I suspect I’ve have it for many, many years-and being on the BC pill for 15 plus years helped to disguise the symptoms before I was officially diagnosed).

I grew up in a very loving and conservative family. Both of my parents were teachers, and very strict. I used to hate living in that house, but now I look back and am so grateful for my strict upbringing. My parents just celebrated their 41st wedding anniversary and I love them dearly. I have one older brother whom I wish I could spend more time with, but he leads a very busy life and lives almost 1,000 miles away from me.

Well, I was always a very active kid growing up. I danced, did gymnastics, played softball, and played tennis. When I look at my pictures from childhood and high school, I realize I wasn’t fat at all. I do remember gaining quite a bit a weight when I was in seventh grade when I was out of school for a few months due to some illnesses. In fact, this is the first time I remember binge eating. I used to look forward to when my mom would go to work and leave me home all alone. This is when I would raid the kitchen cupboards and freezer and make some crazy concoctions and eat A LOT. A lot of things involved Nestle Quik Powder and peanut butter, I remember that. Oh yeah, and frozen raviolis.

That coupled with laying around on the couch all day because I was sick helped me to gain a bit a weight. I don’t remember the exact numbers, and I don’t remember weight being a huge issue after I got better and became more active again either.

The next time I remember my weight becoming an issue was when I started dating my high school sweetheart my senior year. Going out to eat was one of our favorite things to do. I became so comfortable with him and I remember being able to eat huge portions of food when we were together. We also both worked at the same restaurant and I always enjoyed ‘sampling’ the food. Again, though, while I knew I wasn’t that skinny compared to others in my class, I didn’t dwell on my weight too much. I was in love, and that’s all I cared about! LOL.

I should mention that I had a tendency to binge eat all through my childhood (and still do to this day). I really didn’t get candy at my parent’s house, so I loved going over to my grandparents’ house where my grandma used to set up a special candy container for me. My grandma also spoiled me with homemade cookies and diet soda (my grandfather was diabetic so that was the only kind of soda they would have in the house-but it is where I developed my taste for the diet stuff-I rarely drank regular soda ever). I also remember getting fired from a babysitting job because I ate a ton of home-made meatballs that was supposed to last this Italian family for several meals.

Anyway, then comes college. I went away to college (about an hour and half away from my home, but still too far for someone who had a highschool sweetheart still living at home and I had no car). I think I probably had Clinical Depression as far back as I can remember, but the summer leading up to college and my first day there after being dropped off by my parents was the first time I realized that depression was interfering with my life.

*************Pause*********** I'm going to have to continue this onto a new post. This is long, and I'm only barely getting started!!! More to come********************

Happycat21 · 09-22-2009, 02:26 PM

Okay, since I have a feeling that I will never continue on my my journal until I start getting the rest of my 'history' written, I am going to break my perfectionist rules and write an entry that has to do with today.

I promise I will finish up my history soon.

But today.......

I have been eating like cr@ p. Wow. Let's see. I am embarassed to write this, but the truth hurts.

For breakfast, I had McDonald's. Value meal #11, bacon egg and cheese bagel and two orders of cinammon melts.

For lunch, I wasn't much better. I ate Taco Bell. 3 Cruncy Tacos, one chicken Gordita and one chicken chalupa.

I know I have no business posting on a LC website with eating like I have been doing.

The truth is, I am struggling. I just got off a most awesome vacation (cruise to Western Caribbean) and got sick and got out of my LC groove of making meals at home and going to the gym.

I feel my depression is creeping back. I have been off my depression meds for several months now and have been doing great.

But the way I am going right now, I will be back on them in no time.

I get to see my therapist tonight (haven't been able to see her in over a couple weeks now) and I'm going to be up front with her about how bad I am struggling. I want to stop this before it gets too out of control. I still feel like I have a drive in me, but I'm afraid that with the sunshine fading, my drive might too.

Okay, I'm babbling, but I should mention that I feel so cr@ ppy right now. My stomach is so full and I feel so sluggish and nasty. Of course I know why, what stupid things I put in my mouth!

Well, I hope I haven't scared anyone away from reading my journal. I know I am no example right now of how to do LC, but I also know that I am struggling and am reaching out for support. Which is way better than what I normally do (hole myself up in my bedroom and watch Lifetime Television all day long).

Not sure what I'm going to do yet for dinner. I can't let DH know I have binged, but don't want to eat if I am not hungry either. But when I don't eat, he knows I have binged. I hate when he is disappointed in me. I am disappointed in myself though.

Thanks for listening to me. Hopefully, the next time I post, I'll have it a bit more together.

tempted_by_food · 09-23-2009, 11:03 AM

Hi Shar, I hope you dont mind me popping in to show some support, I enjoyed reading your journal, everyone has to start some where and you want to change your eating habits so bad, you will change them just take it one step at a time, am sure your husband isnt disappointed in you

goodluck with the therapist, post often I find it helps keeping me motivated!

Happycat21 · 09-23-2009, 11:22 AM

Thanks for popping in and showing me some support, Tempted by Food! I was beginning to feel a little weirded out to see that so many people have viewed my journal but no one wrote anything, LOL!

I had a good session with the therapist last night and am so glad that I have her in my life.

I started today on a decent foot....for breakfast I had a ham, onion and cheese omelet and a side of bacon made by CeCe, the guy who cooks at the gas station down the street from where I work. He knows I am trying to low carb, and he is so supportive. I am still full, and it's nearly 4 hours later. I am head hungry though. Like I am struggling with stopping at Dunkin' Donuts when I get out of here and chowing down on a dozen glazed donuts.

I've been scrolling through a lot of the success story threads on here today and that is helping to keep me hopeful.

I think instead of stopping at Dunkin' Donuts, I may just stop at Outback and get myself a Flilet with blue cheese melted over the top. Expensive, yes. But, less expensive than a dozen donuts in the whole scheme of things if you ask me (a dozen donuts costs A LOT MORE in health issues, right?)

Well, that't it for now.

tempted_by_food · 09-23-2009, 01:50 PM

Im happy your day is going well and your on plan, as for them donuts there so not worth it and if you did have them you'd feel like crap, having a few donuts will take a few minutes to eat but alot of hard work to get them back off the hips

, have a nice juicey steak mmmmm instead I just devoured one with mushrooms, onions and pepper! yum yum, I always find alot of traffic on my journal too, but not many say anything lol after a few days of sticking to plan it will get much easier and them donuts wont even cross your mind, but a big juciey steak will!

Happycat21 · 09-23-2009, 04:56 PM

Don't mind me, I'm just trying to see if I can figure out how to upload a photo on here. If it works, this should be of DH and me on our last cruise (just got off a couple weeks ago)

Happycat21 · 09-23-2009, 04:57 PM

Yeah!!! It worked! I even was able to re-size it. The first time I did it, it was freakin' huge, LOL. But we'll start with a small one first.

way2fluffy · 09-23-2009, 10:04 PM

Hi, new to this journaling thing as well.....
If you want support this may not be the board for that? I'm no expert but I'm posting here to vent whine etc. and see how far I've come

...so hopefully you won't just post here, but get support from other boards as well...that's probably why you haven't got much feedback. Anyway Welcome!!!

and hope things get a bit easier for you.....
Do you like to cook?
Linda Sue's low carb web site is a great source of good tasting lc goodies...That's what got me going on the Atkins WOE....
Try to focus on All the stuff you can eat!!! Yay! and still lose weight!
What plan are you doing?

09-23-2009, 11:22 AM	#4
Happycat21 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: NYC tristate Posts: 1,394 Gallery: Happycat21 Stats: Whoa!!/getting healthier/healthy WOE: LC Start Date: every day	Thanks, Tempted by Food! Thanks for popping in and showing me some support, Tempted by Food! I was beginning to feel a little weirded out to see that so many people have viewed my journal but no one wrote anything, LOL! I had a good session with the therapist last night and am so glad that I have her in my life. I started today on a decent foot....for breakfast I had a ham, onion and cheese omelet and a side of bacon made by CeCe, the guy who cooks at the gas station down the street from where I work. He knows I am trying to low carb, and he is so supportive. I am still full, and it's nearly 4 hours later. I am head hungry though. Like I am struggling with stopping at Dunkin' Donuts when I get out of here and chowing down on a dozen glazed donuts. I've been scrolling through a lot of the success story threads on here today and that is helping to keep me hopeful. I think instead of stopping at Dunkin' Donuts, I may just stop at Outback and get myself a Flilet with blue cheese melted over the top. Expensive, yes. But, less expensive than a dozen donuts in the whole scheme of things if you ask me (a dozen donuts costs A LOT MORE in health issues, right?) Well, that't it for now.

09-23-2009, 01:50 PM	#5
tempted_by_food MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Northern Ireland Posts: 1,591 Gallery: tempted_by_food Stats: 233/181/156 WOE: Atkins Start Date: restart: 7/13/2009	Im happy your day is going well and your on plan, as for them donuts there so not worth it and if you did have them you'd feel like crap, having a few donuts will take a few minutes to eat but alot of hard work to get them back off the hips, have a nice juicey steak mmmmm instead I just devoured one with mushrooms, onions and pepper! yum yum, I always find alot of traffic on my journal too, but not many say anything lol after a few days of sticking to plan it will get much easier and them donuts wont even cross your mind, but a big juciey steak will! __________________ 217185 184 183 182 181 180 179 178 177 176 175 174 173 172 171 170 169 168 167 166 165 164 163 162 161 160 159 158 157 156 evolution=6 down, 4 to go for Nov exercise for nov= 15 days! Goal for Nov = is to weigh 174lbs! Mini Goal- Go from "Obese" to "Overweight" on my (Wii Fit 7lbs to go) 174lbs callanetics..29 hours total! "the steeper the mountain the harder the climb the better the view from the finishing line"!

09-23-2009, 10:04 PM	#8
way2fluffy Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 865 Gallery: way2fluffy Stats: 215/192/150 WOE: Atkins Start Date: January 2009	Hi, new to this journaling thing as well..... If you want support this may not be the board for that? I'm no expert but I'm posting here to vent whine etc. and see how far I've come...so hopefully you won't just post here, but get support from other boards as well...that's probably why you haven't got much feedback. Anyway Welcome!!! and hope things get a bit easier for you..... Do you like to cook? Linda Sue's low carb web site is a great source of good tasting lc goodies...That's what got me going on the Atkins WOE.... Try to focus on All the stuff you can eat!!! Yay! and still lose weight! What plan are you doing? __________________ BMI 33.7current BMI 29.9 Excuses - I can have excuses or I can have results, but I cannot have both. Mini Goal 170 by Christmas 204----9/7/09 what happens when off plan! Sept. ....-10 Oct. -3 Nov. 2-- 191 Nov. 9-- 195 Nov. 16--193

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09-22-2009, 02:15 PM	#1
Happycat21 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: NYC tristate Posts: 1,394 Gallery: Happycat21 Stats: Whoa!!/getting healthier/healthy WOE: LC Start Date: every day	Shar's livin in the present, learnin from the past & lookin toward the future! Wow, here I go. My first journal entry! I hope that in a few months, I can look back at this entry and it will be the first of many entries, each one getting me more and more on track. I weigh around 250 and am 5’3” (barely). Wow, that hurt like hell to write. This is the most I’ve ever weighed (more on that soon). I have PCOS, sleep apnea, major depression, anxiety, asthma, allergies, and eating disorders. Oh yeah, and low self esteem. Geesh….don’t I sound like the person you would LOVE to be hanging around with at a party? LOL! Well, let’s see. I am 36 years old, married to a wonderful man for a little over 2 years now and have no kids, just 4 kitties. While I absolutely LOVE being a fur-mom, I want some human kids so bad it hurts to think about it. I was diagnosed with PCOS earlier this year (although I suspect I’ve have it for many, many years-and being on the BC pill for 15 plus years helped to disguise the symptoms before I was officially diagnosed). I grew up in a very loving and conservative family. Both of my parents were teachers, and very strict. I used to hate living in that house, but now I look back and am so grateful for my strict upbringing. My parents just celebrated their 41st wedding anniversary and I love them dearly. I have one older brother whom I wish I could spend more time with, but he leads a very busy life and lives almost 1,000 miles away from me. Well, I was always a very active kid growing up. I danced, did gymnastics, played softball, and played tennis. When I look at my pictures from childhood and high school, I realize I wasn’t fat at all. I do remember gaining quite a bit a weight when I was in seventh grade when I was out of school for a few months due to some illnesses. In fact, this is the first time I remember binge eating. I used to look forward to when my mom would go to work and leave me home all alone. This is when I would raid the kitchen cupboards and freezer and make some crazy concoctions and eat A LOT. A lot of things involved Nestle Quik Powder and peanut butter, I remember that. Oh yeah, and frozen raviolis. That coupled with laying around on the couch all day because I was sick helped me to gain a bit a weight. I don’t remember the exact numbers, and I don’t remember weight being a huge issue after I got better and became more active again either. The next time I remember my weight becoming an issue was when I started dating my high school sweetheart my senior year. Going out to eat was one of our favorite things to do. I became so comfortable with him and I remember being able to eat huge portions of food when we were together. We also both worked at the same restaurant and I always enjoyed ‘sampling’ the food. Again, though, while I knew I wasn’t that skinny compared to others in my class, I didn’t dwell on my weight too much. I was in love, and that’s all I cared about! LOL. I should mention that I had a tendency to binge eat all through my childhood (and still do to this day). I really didn’t get candy at my parent’s house, so I loved going over to my grandparents’ house where my grandma used to set up a special candy container for me. My grandma also spoiled me with homemade cookies and diet soda (my grandfather was diabetic so that was the only kind of soda they would have in the house-but it is where I developed my taste for the diet stuff-I rarely drank regular soda ever). I also remember getting fired from a babysitting job because I ate a ton of home-made meatballs that was supposed to last this Italian family for several meals. Anyway, then comes college. I went away to college (about an hour and half away from my home, but still too far for someone who had a highschool sweetheart still living at home and I had no car). I think I probably had Clinical Depression as far back as I can remember, but the summer leading up to college and my first day there after being dropped off by my parents was the first time I realized that depression was interfering with my life. ***********Pause******* I'm going to have to continue this onto a new post. This is long, and I'm only barely getting started!!! More to come****************** __________________ Sharon

09-22-2009, 02:26 PM	#2
Happycat21 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: NYC tristate Posts: 1,394 Gallery: Happycat21 Stats: Whoa!!/getting healthier/healthy WOE: LC Start Date: every day	Okay, since I have a feeling that I will never continue on my my journal until I start getting the rest of my 'history' written, I am going to break my perfectionist rules and write an entry that has to do with today. I promise I will finish up my history soon. But today....... I have been eating like cr@ p. Wow. Let's see. I am embarassed to write this, but the truth hurts. For breakfast, I had McDonald's. Value meal #11, bacon egg and cheese bagel and two orders of cinammon melts. For lunch, I wasn't much better. I ate Taco Bell. 3 Cruncy Tacos, one chicken Gordita and one chicken chalupa. I know I have no business posting on a LC website with eating like I have been doing. The truth is, I am struggling. I just got off a most awesome vacation (cruise to Western Caribbean) and got sick and got out of my LC groove of making meals at home and going to the gym. I feel my depression is creeping back. I have been off my depression meds for several months now and have been doing great. But the way I am going right now, I will be back on them in no time. I get to see my therapist tonight (haven't been able to see her in over a couple weeks now) and I'm going to be up front with her about how bad I am struggling. I want to stop this before it gets too out of control. I still feel like I have a drive in me, but I'm afraid that with the sunshine fading, my drive might too. Okay, I'm babbling, but I should mention that I feel so cr@ ppy right now. My stomach is so full and I feel so sluggish and nasty. Of course I know why, what stupid things I put in my mouth! Well, I hope I haven't scared anyone away from reading my journal. I know I am no example right now of how to do LC, but I also know that I am struggling and am reaching out for support. Which is way better than what I normally do (hole myself up in my bedroom and watch Lifetime Television all day long). Not sure what I'm going to do yet for dinner. I can't let DH know I have binged, but don't want to eat if I am not hungry either. But when I don't eat, he knows I have binged. I hate when he is disappointed in me. I am disappointed in myself though. Thanks for listening to me. Hopefully, the next time I post, I'll have it a bit more together.

09-23-2009, 11:03 AM	#3
tempted_by_food MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Northern Ireland Posts: 1,591 Gallery: tempted_by_food Stats: 233/181/156 WOE: Atkins Start Date: restart: 7/13/2009	Hi Shar, I hope you dont mind me popping in to show some support, I enjoyed reading your journal, everyone has to start some where and you want to change your eating habits so bad, you will change them just take it one step at a time, am sure your husband isnt disappointed in you goodluck with the therapist, post often I find it helps keeping me motivated!

09-23-2009, 04:56 PM	#6
Happycat21 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: NYC tristate Posts: 1,394 Gallery: Happycat21 Stats: Whoa!!/getting healthier/healthy WOE: LC Start Date: every day	Don't mind me, I'm just trying to see if I can figure out how to upload a photo on here. If it works, this should be of DH and me on our last cruise (just got off a couple weeks ago)

09-23-2009, 04:57 PM	#7
Happycat21 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: NYC tristate Posts: 1,394 Gallery: Happycat21 Stats: Whoa!!/getting healthier/healthy WOE: LC Start Date: every day	Yeah!!! It worked! I even was able to re-size it. The first time I did it, it was freakin' huge, LOL. But we'll start with a small one first.