Gretchen's Gonna Make It!!!! (My weight-loss Journal)

[GretchenLC]

Hello everyone! I've never done this sort of thing before (blog/journal) but I've been on this low-carb journey a little over a month and I think need a place to share my success and struggles! So here we go!!!!

My intent is for this to be an open Journal. Feel free to follow along, comment or offer suggestions anytime! I'm through hiding behind my weight. It's high time I get my head out of the sand and deal with it! So I really don't care who knows anymore!!!

A little about me:
My name is Gretchen. I'm 34 years old, very happily married, no kids but one very spoiled dog! I live in Louisiana and work in a school with my DH who teaches and I do computer support. I love working at the same place as he does and he is also doing low-carb so that is helping a TON!

My stats:
Start Date: 1/21/09
Start Weight: 231.7 (Highest recorded weight for me was 258 about a year ago)
Height: 5'6" (I think... I've never really measured without shoes)
Current Weight: 210.8
Goal Weight: 140

I'd really love to be able to shop in the "normal" section. That is what I'm aiming for more than and actual number. But 140 I think puts me in the middle of my healthy range. I may tweak it once I get closer.

So... I hope that's enough to get me started! I'm excited to see where this journey leads!

My "Before" Pic:

[GretchenLC]

I recently (Just this Sunday - 3/1/09) became a proud member of the 20 pound club!!! I'm very excited about that! I can start seeing the difference in my face a little bit.The photo on the left was taken in December '08 and the photo on the right was taken 2/24/09:



I'm really excited about my progress, but I wish I'd see it in my pants! I'm still the same size - 18 or even a 20 in some things. I guess they had been REALLY tight to begin with and now they just fit!!! But I'm still not able to fit into my smaller jeans. I'm SO ready to say goodbye to those 20's and move towards a 16/18!!!

I'm also really anxious to get down to my "low point" of 202 pounds. Last year I lost about 50 pounds and got down to 202 before I fell off the wagon and gained 30 pounds of it BACK! I somehow think I sabotaged myself when I got close to "onederland". It was so stupid. I just gave up when I was so close to a major breakthrough! I haven't been below 200 pounds in 13 years and I was so close!!! Grrrrrr!!!

In a way... even though I'm excited about my current progress... I still don't think I'm going to let myself off the hook until I surpass my low point of 202. I still feel like I'm playing make up. I guess I just need to focus on the positive though and remember that I'm doing the right things and just need to keep it up!

[GretchenLC]

Wow... I am struggling with the strangest craving right now!!! I was walking across the parking lot and low and behold - what do I see on the ground? I single orange Skittle. It was just staring me in the face!!!! Mocking me!!! Of course I wouldn't dream of eating one off the ground or anything... but just the mere thought of Skittles has sent me for quite a whirlwind!

This is week five and I haven't had any cravings since the first WEEK!!! I just got back from a vacation where people were eating ice cream and brownies and chips and pizza and I didn't feel this bad!!! Why now? Why a single Skittle? This is NOT fun!!! BUT...

I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it.

I am drinking my big glass of water and very slowly eating my Atkins chocolate brownie bar. I am remembering my goal here - to be healthy and happy and fit. Skittles will not help me accomplish that goal! I can do this.

Wish me luck! This too shall pass!

[Izzybeff]

You can do it Gretchen! Wishing you the best!

[GretchenLC]

Thanks Izzy!!! You too!!!

[GretchenLC]

So I'm having a funky scale week! I just got back from a week long vacation where I think I did pretty darn great!!! I weighed Sunday morning right after we got back late Saturday night and I was DOWN 2 pounds!!! My weight Sunday was 210.2. That was pretty exciting for me to go on vacation - still maintain my way of eating and still lose weight!

Fast forward to Wednesday (I usually weigh on Sundays and Wednesdays) and I was UP!!! HUH? My weight Wednesday was 210.8. Well... shoot. I didn't change anything and gained?

So I weighed this morning hoping to get a little confidence booster and hoping that Wednesday was just a fluke and I'm back down a little bit to 210.4 but still not below what I was Sunday. So I guess if I weigh again Sunday I'll be happy just to be at 210.2 or less? But dang!!!! That stinks! It is discouraging to eat the right way and not see results!

THIS is all in contrast to my DH who went OFF PLAN on vacation... ate burger, fries, pizza and GAINED 5 pounds according to the Sunday scale. But as of today he's back down 7 pounds. So even though he went off plan - he's down 2 pounds this week and I'm the same!!! Boooooo!!!

I'm probably still going to weigh Sunday because I don't know if I can stop obsessing about it - but it sure is discouraging when the scale moves in the wrong direction! Even if it is only a little bit!!!!

How does one move past this scale obsession and concentrate on the big picture???

The good news is that I beat my skittle craving!

[speedymagee]

Hi Gretchen,

Congratulations on losing 20lbs so far!! WTG!

My dh is the same, he barely has to exert any effort and can cheat regularly and loses well. grrrr!

It's hard not to get obsessed with the numbers on the scale. Just remember that as women we are subject to hormonal fluctuations and sometimes the number goes up. I have, in the past, used this as an excuse to go crazy. Trying to be more moderate now....

Anyway I enjoyed reading your journal, KUTGW.
sandy

[GretchenLC]

Thanks SpeedyMagee! I love the quote in your siggy! Yoda is a cool dude!!!

[GretchenLC]

Well... it's official. I weighed this morning and I was exactly the same as last Sunday!!!!! 210.2 pounds. Grrrrrrrr! It has been exactly one week and one day with zero loss. I've been dealing with it OK. Haven't lost my will to keep up or anything. But if I told you I wasn't frustrated - I'd be lying!

I'm not going to weigh at all this week. I'm going to give it another solid effort for one more week before I start to try and change anything.

I'm pretty scared I might not be eating ENOUGH! I went to this BMR site suggested by another member to calculate how many calories I should be eating and it was something like 1700/day. I'm not counting calories - but I doubt I'm getting that many in. I'm just not that hungry. I'm just keeping it under 20 carbs per day and we'll see what the result is in a week. Maybe the whoosh fairy will pay me a visit!!!

[GretchenLC]

Well... I'm so far sticking to my rule of not weighing this week. It's only Wednesday... am I going to make it????? It's so hard not to jump on that scale and see how I'm doing! It makes things kind of boring at the moment!

I'm not sure how I'll deal with it if I have a bad number Sunday. If I go two weeks without a loss I'm going to be SO frustrated! It's not like I'm close to goal or anything... so it's WAY to early for a stall!!! But I'm not going to think about that for now!

I went out to eat last night with some ladies who I share a set of season theater tickets with. They had this braised veal dish that tasted kind of like pot roast. Mmmmmmm it was SO GOOD! I had it with steamed broccoli. I'm pretty sure it didn't have anything it wasn't supposed to have in it. The waitress promised it was only meat and natural juices and this morning I was still in ketosis - so I'm hoping for the best!

The play was hilarious - Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. I knew nothing about this one going in. For some reason I thought it was about gangsters? I wasn't crazy about the music but the show was SO FUNNY! I can't believe I haven't seen the movie! It's on my rental list for sure now!!!

Today I'm having chicken Shawarma from the Greek restaurant for lunch. I'm seriously behind in my grocery shopping and have been sticking to frozen chicken or fish with green beans for dinner every night. I really need to work on getting some more creative meal ideas working soon - but life is CRAZY right now!

So those are my random thoughts for the day! Nothing to report on the weightloss side of life until Sunday! (Fingers crossed!!!)

[bekki1]

I am happy for the 20 lb club you are visiting. I have not got there yet myself. I think I need to be more strict and maybe use fit day for a week and check out what I am doing. But I eating this WOE.
My name is Bekki. Nice to meet you.

[GretchenLC]

Hi Bekki! Nice to meet you too! You'll get to that 20 pound club soon! I'll save a seat for ya!

I'm not exactly sure WHAT I'm going to change if I get a bad number Sunday. I'm actually thinking I'm not eating ENOUGH fat from other posts I've read here. I've gotten into a Chicken/Fish/Green bean habit that I'm sure is too close to the low-fat way of eating. I do have HWC in my eggcreams in the morning and some butter on my green beans but that's about it for fat lately.

The whole idea of Fit-Day turns me off big time. I hope it doesn't come down to that. I hated WW and counting points and figuring out how much each portion of things "cost" in terms of points. It sort of made me obsessed with food all the time and that didn't make for a very easy lifestyle. Also - since I was food obsessed - I believe it led to more overeating... since food was always on my mind!

One of the really appealing things about the low carb WOE for me is that it is so simple. I know I still sort of count carbs and keep them under a certain number - but that seems much simpler for me. The idea of entering every bite into a program like Fit-Day reminds me of WW too much!!! Hopefully I can find tweaks that work for me without getting down to calories and food journals.

Maybe that's the wrong idea here... but I don't want to go back to the food obsessed person I used to be! Cutting the sugar has broken most of the cravings and now I just eat because it's time to eat. Food is not such an important part of my life. Eat to live --- instead of live to eat! That's the mentality I'm holding on to for now!

[GretchenLC]

OK... OK.... GOT YA! So NOT REALLY cheated! I mean... I sort of cheated! I didn't cheat with my food.... but I DID weigh earlier than I had said I would! I was trying to make it until Sunday but I just couldn't make it a whole week. I just couldn't stop myself! I HAD TO KNOW!!!! The suspense was KILLING ME!!!

SO.... while not exactly a WOOSH... at least I was down. About a pound. 208.9 It feels so great to be able to have a ZERO in the middle of my numbers. It makes me feel closer to my "lowpoint" of 202 that I'm aiming for as my very first mini-goal. Then I will be past the "catch up" stage!

My MAJOR mini-goal is to get to onederland. I had originally said I wanted to get there by May 15. If I average a pound a week - it's still doable. BUT (there's always a BUTT isn't there???) I have a MAJOR stumbling block coming up in April.

So... speaking of CHEATING... excuse me while I go on a rant:

April is going to be tough. We have TWO back to back week long trips. The first - is with a group of High School kids. It will be a road trip with stops at different schools along the way. Fast food, Junk Food in the car, cafeteria lunches, host family dinners. PLUS we are headed to my former home state - Texas. And THAT means the best Mexican food in the world! (See... I LOVE TEX-MEX... much more than "real" Mexican) Can I really make it through the Great State of TEXAS without having some chips and cheese? Or a fresh hand made tortilla? I am terrified of this trip! I know I can do bunless burgers at the fast food joints... and I'm going to TRY MY BEST to stay on plan this week... BECAUSE the NEXT week.....

WE ARE GOING TO NEW YORK!!!!! Actually... Newport RI and then New York. In Newport we will have a condo and kitchen so I could manage there. But do I REALLY want to be in the Big Apple and NOT eat??? I've looked forward to this trip for so long! I don't know if I want to be counting carbs while on vacation!

I'm at a loss. I don't know how to manage this! I have not had sugar or white stuff since my start date! It's been something like 8 weeks without screwing up! I think that's a MAJOR RECORD for me! I hate to blow it! But part of me says... "If this is going to be a lifestyle - you HAVE to manage those days that are going to be 'off plan'. Life is not perfect and you WILL have days that you are just not able to eat low-carb and part of it is just getting right back to the right WOE as soon as possible."

The other part of me says, "If this is a lifestyle - you have to find a way to manage this WOE even IF you are on a trip or at a special occasion."

I do struggle with an "All or Nothing" mentality. Usually in the past it would lead me to sabotage or towards completely falling off the wagon. It was this perfectionist thing where if I wouldn't do it perfect or I would screw up... I would throw my hands up and say "What's the use!" So part of me is fearful to "mess up". I mean... 8 weeks without "cheating" is major for me. And I don't want to do something that is going to derail me for who knows how long - like in the past!

I do however feel like in order to manage this life-long goal of being healthy - I need to have a little grace for myself. What if I'm at a wedding? Am I not going to have a bite of cake because it's "not legal"??? Or what if I'm at someone else's house? Am I going to be rude and not eat if all they serve is a carb-laden casserole? Is that really how I want my whole life to be set up? I don't think so.

I seriously don't know the right answer.

But one thing I DO KNOW? -- If you made through reading all this... you deserve a medal of kindness or something!!!

[speedymagee]

Originally Posted by GretchenLC

But part of me says... "If this is going to be a lifestyle - you HAVE to manage those days that are going to be 'off plan'. Life is not perfect and you WILL have days that you are just not able to eat low-carb and part of it is just getting right back to the right WOE as soon as possible."

The other part of me says, "If this is a lifestyle - you have to find a way to manage this WOE even IF you are on a trip or at a special occasion."

I do struggle with an "All or Nothing" mentality. Usually in the past it would lead me to sabotage or towards completely falling off the wagon.

Oh boy can I relate to this! I don't know the answer either, but I am struggling with this lifestyle thing.

Yay -1!

[bekki1]

Originally Posted by GretchenLC

OK... OK.... GOT YA! So NOT REALLY cheated! I mean... I sort of cheated! I didn't cheat with my food.... but I DID weigh earlier than I had said I would! I was trying to make it until Sunday but I just couldn't make it a whole week. I just couldn't stop myself! I HAD TO KNOW!!!! The suspense was KILLING ME!!!

SO.... while not exactly a WOOSH... at least I was down. About a pound. 208.9 It feels so great to be able to have a ZERO in the middle of my numbers. It makes me feel closer to my "lowpoint" of 202 that I'm aiming for as my very first mini-goal. Then I will be past the "catch up" stage!

My MAJOR mini-goal is to get to onederland. I had originally said I wanted to get there by May 15. If I average a pound a week - it's still doable. BUT (there's always a BUTT isn't there???) I have a MAJOR stumbling block coming up in April.

So... speaking of CHEATING... excuse me while I go on a rant:

April is going to be tough. We have TWO back to back week long trips. The first - is with a group of High School kids. It will be a road trip with stops at different schools along the way. Fast food, Junk Food in the car, cafeteria lunches, host family dinners. PLUS we are headed to my former home state - Texas. And THAT means the best Mexican food in the world! (See... I LOVE TEX-MEX... much more than "real" Mexican) Can I really make it through the Great State of TEXAS without having some chips and cheese? Or a fresh hand made tortilla? I am terrified of this trip! I know I can do bunless burgers at the fast food joints... and I'm going to TRY MY BEST to stay on plan this week... BECAUSE the NEXT week.....

WE ARE GOING TO NEW YORK!!!!! Actually... Newport RI and then New York. In Newport we will have a condo and kitchen so I could manage there. But do I REALLY want to be in the Big Apple and NOT eat??? I've looked forward to this trip for so long! I don't know if I want to be counting carbs while on vacation!

I'm at a loss. I don't know how to manage this! I have not had sugar or white stuff since my start date! It's been something like 8 weeks without screwing up! I think that's a MAJOR RECORD for me! I hate to blow it! But part of me says... "If this is going to be a lifestyle - you HAVE to manage those days that are going to be 'off plan'. Life is not perfect and you WILL have days that you are just not able to eat low-carb and part of it is just getting right back to the right WOE as soon as possible."

The other part of me says, "If this is a lifestyle - you have to find a way to manage this WOE even IF you are on a trip or at a special occasion."

I do struggle with an "All or Nothing" mentality. Usually in the past it would lead me to sabotage or towards completely falling off the wagon. It was this perfectionist thing where if I wouldn't do it perfect or I would screw up... I would throw my hands up and say "What's the use!" So part of me is fearful to "mess up". I mean... 8 weeks without "cheating" is major for me. And I don't want to do something that is going to derail me for who knows how long - like in the past!

I do however feel like in order to manage this life-long goal of being healthy - I need to have a little grace for myself. What if I'm at a wedding? Am I not going to have a bite of cake because it's "not legal"??? Or what if I'm at someone else's house? Am I going to be rude and not eat if all they serve is a carb-laden casserole? Is that really how I want my whole life to be set up? I don't think so.

I seriously don't know the right answer.

But one thing I DO KNOW? -- If you made through reading all this... you deserve a medal of kindness or something!!!

This sounds like it came from my mind. The all or nothing scares me. I want it all. I love the different foods when traveling.
You can do it, take one day at a time, when you screw up jump right back on. I did last night for no reason other then I could and firdt thing this morning got on the scale and back on plan. Gained 4 pounds for that mistake.
Take my hand, we can do it together.

[GretchenLC]

Well... something good must be happening because I'm experiencing "Droopy Butt Syndrome" in all my pants! The only problem is that the next size down STILL does not fit!!!! Grrrrrrrr!!!! I must be in-between sizes or something! It's getting really ridiculous looking in my butt and hips but my belly (where I carry most of my weight) is still too big for those smaller pants!

It's been such a busy week I haven't even thought about the scale until today. I think I'm going to make it to Sunday before I weigh again. Maybe I'll get a little whoosh surprise!

I've still been stuck on the same old same old as far as food goes. Chicken, Fish, Green beans. I just don't have time to plan creative menus lately! It's a good thing I have such an easy going husband! Poor guy! He's eaten Fish Tacos three out of the past five nights!!! On the other two nights it was rotisserie chicken picked up on the way home! But he never complains! I'm such a lucky girl!!!!!

[GretchenLC]

Wow... I'm tired today! We kept my nephew last night and let me just say... TWO YEAR OLD BOYS are a HANDFUL!!!! Bless his little heart! He went to bed just fine but at about 1:00 AM woke up and I guess he was scared because he was in an unfamiliar place. I heard the bedroom door open and heard him crying and standing in the kitchen. I took him back to bed and laid down with him for a bit until he fell back asleep. Then he woke up again at 4:00 AM and at that point I just put him in bed with us. BAD IDEA!!!! HE slept FINE after that... me and DH.... not so much!!!! How it's possible for little people to move so much and still be asleep... I'll never know!!!

Needless to say... in the mad dash this morning to get us both dressed and out the door - I forgot my lunch!!! I have no idea what to eat and I'm so tired I can't even think straight! On top of everything else... our school play is tonight and tomorrow night and I'm in it... so I have to RUSH home after school and change and get back for the play! So I won't even have a chance for a good supper!

Not to mention - my house is a wreck - my mother is coming for a visit to spend the night tomorrow, and I have no time to clean because I will be at the play all night. I know I'm just whining here... BUT I'M JUST SO TIRED!!! (as she rolls about on the floor kicking and screaming) I wish I had a low carb fairy that could come visit and bring me something wonderful for lunch!!!

I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it.
I'm just very overwhelmed at the moment!!!

[GretchenLC]

Wow. Yesterday I was so stressed out. My house was a wreck and I didn't know how I was going to have time to get my house ready for company when I had ZERO spare minutes all week long! I didn't eat lunch or dinner (BAD... I know!!!) I was on the verge of a breakdown, and I probably would have had a breakdown... except for the fact that I was TOO BUSY!!!

So I rushed home from school and had to get ready for a play and left immediately after I got ready. DH had a meeting at church and couldn't go to the play. I went to the play and came home late, fully expecting that I would be cleaning and doing dishes into the wee morning hours. BUT MY HUSBAND SKIPPED HIS MEETING AND CLEANED THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!!!! I can't explain how much I love this man!

I was so grateful I just cried! He even did the dishes and folded clothes!!! (I probably would have just stuffed the clothes back into a hamper!!!) He is usually a MAJOR help around the house anyway with floors and stuff like that... but DISHES are NOT his thing!!! I could count on one hand the number of times he's touched a dish!!! So for him to do EVERYTHING including the DISHES??? WHAT a blessing!!!! I'm tearing up just thinking about it!!! The house was completely ready for company and I didn't have to worry about a single THING!!! He is my hero!!!

So... while the Low Carb fairy didn't visit me with anything wonderful to eat... the house cleaning fairy possessed my husbands body!!!!! What a man!!!

[GretchenLC]

I weighed yesterday. 207.2 pounds. Almost a 2 pound loss but not quite. Still... as long as the scale is moving in the right direction - I'm happy.

Not a whole lot to report. My parents came this weekend and helped me in the yard. I'm completely flower bed challenged. It was overgrown and nasty and horrible. We ripped EVERYTHING out and planted all new stuff. Plus DH installed a new mailbox and we put a little flower bed around it. My yard actually looks like someone lives there now! It was the most beautiful weather this weekend! I'm so happy! Now if I can just keep everything living and not overgrown! My mother promises me that it's all very low maintenance stuff... so we'll see!!!

I still have not veered off plan as far as my eating goes. I'm inching closer and closer to Onederland and I'm impatient to get there! I'm also inching closer and closer to my dreaded April trips! EEEEK!!!! I'm still torn as to what I'm going to do. I hate the thought of going off plan and then needing to go through those horrible first days of "detox" again. Those were SO HARD!!!!

[speedymagee]

[COLOR="DarkRed"]CONGRATULATIONS!![/COLOR] You will be in Onederland soon!!

Your DH sounds like a keeper!
Have a nice week-end,
sandy

[GretchenLC]

Originally Posted by speedymagee

[COLOR="DarkRed"]CONGRATULATIONS!![/COLOR] You will be in Onederland soon!!

Your DH sounds like a keeper!
Have a nice week-end,
sandy

Thanks Sandy! Yeah... I guess I'll keep him around!!! He's a good one!!!

Weight this week (Sunday) was 206.3

Slowly... Slowly... slowly creeping down. Seems like I've settled into about a 1 pound a week loss. I have to be honest - I wish it were more! My "not so strict low carb" husband lost 4 pounds last week!!! Grrrrrrrrrr He's looking REALLY noticeably different and I'm a little jealous!!!

This is my last week before we leave for two weeks out of town. I need to call the hotel and see if we have a fridge in our room. If we do - I'm totally bringing my smart stick blender and making eggcreams every morning. If I do that... I can manage with an Adkins bar for lunch and then eat out at night. We'll see.

On a VERY happy note... I was able to get into my jeans that I couldn't zip a month ago!!! I guess there really are changes happening even though my weight loss has really slowed down!

[GretchenLC]

So... in previous posts... I wrote about my concern over these two weeks of traveling since I have been doing strict 20 carbs per day or under since Jan 21st (About 11 weeks without cheating once!) I was a bit scared of letting myself "fall off the waggon". Here are my results.

Starting weight before travels: 206.3
First week: We went to Texas. I did pretty good. We left on a Sunday. My plan was to be very strict all week and have Mexican ONE NIGHT with all the fixins and I succeeded with that plan. On my "off plan" night (Tuesday) I ate terribly (chips... tortillas... brownie sundae -- you name it) but went right back on plan after my one night of "sin" and did great the rest of the week. Got back and weighed Sunday and came in at.... drum roll please....

202.4 HOLY CRAP!!!! So... I lost almost 4 POUNDS during week one of my travels. I'd call that success!!! I was thrilled!!!

BUT.... we still have week two of travels to report!

SO... week two... we had 4 nights in Newport RI and 3 nights/4 days in NYC. That's where my resolve started to vanish! I did pretty good in Newport. We left on a Sunday... and I made it all they way to Wednesday night before giving in on a small cup of clam chowder. It was delicious and I have no idea how bad it was as far as carbs are concerned... but it was a small cup and that was my only "bad" thing to eat in Newport. I'm glad I had it because for me it falls under the "life experience" category and I didn't want to visit the upper east coast without trying the chowder!

Thursday we went to New York and my plan was to eat normally Thursday and have an off plan day on Friday. Yeah... let's just say... I didn't succeed in that plan too well!!! Thursday was mostly travel with returning the rental car in Newport... getting on the train to NYC... so other than my eggcream in the morning... I didn't eat all day.

Now... here is where I feel like I'm at confession! Forgive me... for I have sinned...

Thursday evening we went to a nice steak house and I was planning on being "good" but I gave into temptation and ate the scalloped potatoes. It didn't help matters that my $36 filet was the WORST steak I've ever eaten in my LIFE!!! It was so horrible... and I was mad... and I ate potatoes instead of my crappy steak!!!

So that continued into Friday where I just didn't worry about carbs at all... (because that was my original plan) cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery... NYC hot dogs, pretzels, chocolate, french fries, fried fish... well... you get the picture! It continued both Saturday and Sunday (last night) and ended at the Chicago airport with some Garrett's cheese and caramel popcorn!

WHEW... so... glad all that is out there!!! Yep... my plan to only have ONE off day turned into THREE... and I have the bloat to prove it! It was kind of funny (but sad at the same time) because I told my DH husband every day as we were taking pictures... "I can see myself getting fatter by the day!!!" But it was true! You can look at my face in the beginning of the week pictures vs. the end of the week and tell the difference! I look blotchy and bloated towards the end of the week! Oh well... I had fun and what's done is done.

SO ANYWAY (sorry for rambling) this morning... I weighed in to see what the damage was and my weight is...

205.4. Up 3 pounds in one week.

I have to say though... I feel like the NET TOTAL for the entire two weeks is STILL an almost 1 pound LOSS. I think I did pretty well. Not great... but OK. I'm proud of myself for not just taking the entire two weeks to throw caution to the wind.

This morning... I had my eggcream and I'm back on plan! I'm sure the next couple days are going to be tough as I go through "detox" again... but hopefully when I weigh in again in a week... I'll be pleased with my results!

Sorry this post was so long!!! I'm not sure there's a point or a moral to my little tale... but thanks for listening!!!

[GretchenLC]

I'm struggling today. Last year I lost a little over 50 pounds and made it all the way down to 202 pounds!!! I haven't been below 200 pounds since I got married... almost 14 years now... and I was so close I could taste it!!! When I got down to 202 pounds... something snapped and I just completely lost control. I gave up my eating and exercising and quickly ballooned back up to 231 pounds. I truly believe it was some sort of sick personal sabotage related to an event that took place when I was 14 years old.

So... here I am... once again... hovering just above the 200 pound mark... and I'm getting close to what I consider a huge breakthrough. I'm just starting to feel good about myself again. I'm proud of my efforts and I'm finally starting to notice a difference in the way I look. I'm finally starting to catch a glimpse of confidence and loose a little bit of the self loathing that has seemed to plague me my entire life.

Well... last night... I attended a play in my home town and I was slapped in the face with the past. I saw that person standing in the lobby. It was only for a brief second... and I don't even know if he saw me... but there he was. Living, breathing, seemingly happy to be alive and right in front of my face. Having drinks, smiling and chit-chatting with friends. I felt like I was going to pass out. I could hardly breathe. Feelings of inadequacy and shame and worthlessness flooded my entire being. I cried the entire hour long drive home and suffered a terrible night's sleep. I still have a horrible ache in the pit of my stomach.

Now, I know all the right answers in my head. It's not my fault... I have nothing to feel ashamed of... I'm worthy of love... It's OK for me to be healthy and attractive. I know these things in my head... but really KNOWING them as reality is a different struggle. I'm not quite sure how to really KNOW these things as truth.

The good news is that I think I can finally recognize what is taking place here with my emotions and I am going to FIGHT LIKE MAD against the despair. I will NOT let him win by sending me into a spiral that is going to make me miserable and a prisoner in my own body! I will NOT give in to the temptation to wallow in a carb induced coma and give up on life. Through God's grace... I will continue to fight these demons and I WILL come out victorious!!!

Gretchen's Gonna Make IT!!!!!!!

[GretchenLC]

Well... I had a VERY excellent weekend! My normal weigh-in day is Sunday but Friday I just had the itch to step on the scale...

201.6 Whoo Hooo!!! I finally passed my "low point" of 202 and moved pass the catch up stage! First mini goal - Achieved!!!! That is such a wonderful feeling! It also means that I get to be a proud member of the 30 pound club!!!



So Saturday I ate a TON of crawfish (because I'm from Louisiana and that's what we do every Saturday in the spring) and didn't have really high hopes for the Sunday scale because of all that salt... but I wanted to be consistent and weigh in once a week on my regularly scheduled day. So I stepped on the scale (as lightly as possible - ha ha) and... drum roll please...

200.0 OH MY GOSH!!!! 200.0 EXACTLY!!!! First of all... I'm really stoked any time I get to see the scale move in the right direction... but gheeze.... could I get ANY CLOSER to ONEDERLAND????? Seriously??? What the heck!?!!?! I'm so close I can TASTE it!!! I was partly ecstatic and partly furious that I couldn't just eek by ONE little tenth of a point to squeak below that 200 mark!!!!

So even though I'm not quite there yet... I'm just about to reach one of my MAJOR goals! I can't WAIT! I'm so excited!

In other very exciting news.... I bought pants in the NORMAL section! WHAT? Who said that??? Oh yeah... it was ME!!!!!

Seriously... this is another MAJOR goal accomplished!!! Now... true... I am still at the top of the "normal" section and I'm still wearing mostly Woman's sizes... but these pants are a monumental pair of pants!!! I have enough spring stuff to get me by for at least a couple more months... so hopefully I can hold off buying more clothes long enough that I NEVER HAVE TO SHOP IN THE WOMANS SECTION AGAIN!!!! Goodbye Layne Bryant and your stupid $39 T SHIRTS!!! Goodbye shopping right next to the maternity section in that dark corner of the store with no selection!!!!

Hubby (who was also buying pants in a smaller size - Yay Hubby!!!!!) went with me and the whole way out of the store I kept asking him... "Who's about to by normal pants?" And his reply was.... "Uhhhh Me?" Ahhhh gotta love his sarcasm!! But seriously... he was really happy for me! He even noticed how many more choices there were on the "other side" of the store!

So... after a difficult week... I pressed through and I'm so unbelievably thankful that I was able to face some tough issues and still move forward!

[daisyHair]

Gretchen,
I have not had a chance to read your entire journal (but I am!) but I just wanted to tell you how excited I am for you to be at 200..
you are going to see 199 in no time.
I am very excited for you. I also wanted to tell you way to go on the 30# club.

I am going to fall on the floor and bawl when I get to 199.
My husband has actually taped a live audience clapping very loud and is going to play it for me the day I get to 199.

I am cheering for you!

Well off to read some more of your journal!

Cary~

[Tommyswife]

Originally Posted by GretchenLC

I'm struggling today. Last year I lost a little over 50 pounds and made it all the way down to 202 pounds!!! I haven't been below 200 pounds since I got married... almost 14 years now... and I was so close I could taste it!!! When I got down to 202 pounds... something snapped and I just completely lost control. I gave up my eating and exercising and quickly ballooned back up to 231 pounds. I truly believe it was some sort of sick personal sabotage related to an event that took place when I was 14 years old.

So... here I am... once again... hovering just above the 200 pound mark... and I'm getting close to what I consider a huge breakthrough. I'm just starting to feel good about myself again. I'm proud of my efforts and I'm finally starting to notice a difference in the way I look. I'm finally starting to catch a glimpse of confidence and loose a little bit of the self loathing that has seemed to plague me my entire life.

Well... last night... I attended a play in my home town and I was slapped in the face with the past. I saw that person standing in the lobby. It was only for a brief second... and I don't even know if he saw me... but there he was. Living, breathing, seemingly happy to be alive and right in front of my face. Having drinks, smiling and chit-chatting with friends. I felt like I was going to pass out. I could hardly breathe. Feelings of inadequacy and shame and worthlessness flooded my entire being. I cried the entire hour long drive home and suffered a terrible night's sleep. I still have a horrible ache in the pit of my stomach.

Now, I know all the right answers in my head. It's not my fault... I have nothing to feel ashamed of... I'm worthy of love... It's OK for me to be healthy and attractive. I know these things in my head... but really KNOWING them as reality is a different struggle. I'm not quite sure how to really KNOW these things as truth.

The good news is that I think I can finally recognize what is taking place here with my emotions and I am going to FIGHT LIKE MAD against the despair. I will NOT let him win by sending me into a spiral that is going to make me miserable and a prisoner in my own body! I will NOT give in to the temptation to wallow in a carb induced coma and give up on life. Through God's grace... I will continue to fight these demons and I WILL come out victorious!!!

Gretchen's Gonna Make IT!!!!!!!

I wanted to congratulate you on losing 30 pounds.

Are you in my head? This is what happens to me when I reach a certain point in my weight loss journey. Something just snaps in my head ???? and I sabotage my hard work. Maybe I don't feel worthy, special, good enough. I don't know, but it's so refreshing to see that I'm not alone. Thank you for your transparency.

[GretchenLC]

BECAUSE I'M IN ONEDERLAND BABY!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep!!! I couldn't stand the suspense! For the past two days I kept wondering when the exact moment would be that I would dip down into onederland! I would ask hubby... "Do you think I'm in onederland yet??" His reply was always encouraging... "I don't know!" or "Maybe... you never know!"

Last night he gave me a BIG hug and said... "There you go... I'm squeezing that one tenth of a pound out of you!!! You're probably in onederland now!!" He's so funny!!!

So this morning I sneaked a peek at the scale and saw THIS!!!

[COLOR="White"].[/COLOR]
Well... I said I wanted to know the exact moment... and I think I just about nailed it!!!! Can't get much closer than THAT now can you???

So this day... April 28, 2009 is the first time in over 13 years that I've been UNDER 200 pounds! I'm so happy! On the way to work this morning... hubby asked me "So... does the world look different to you now that you're in onederland?" And at that exact moment... we passed a gas station with HUGE bright numbers reading... 199.9... and I said... "Yeah... it looks really different!!!!" (tear)

Thank you all for your kind words! They mean the world to me!

[GretchenLC]

Originally Posted by daisyHair

I am going to fall on the floor and bawl when I get to 199.
My husband has actually taped a live audience clapping very loud and is going to play it for me the day I get to 199.

I am cheering for you!

Well off to read some more of your journal!

That is hilarious! I'm telling you... it's the BEST feeling! I wish I could have that audience clapping sound playing every time I walk into my office... because that's literally what I feel like today!

Originally Posted by Tommyswife

I wanted to congratulate you on losing 30 pounds.

Are you in my head? This is what happens to me when I reach a certain point in my weight loss journey. Something just snaps in my head ???? and I sabotage my hard work. Maybe I don't feel worthy, special, good enough. I don't know, but it's so refreshing to see that I'm not alone. Thank you for your transparency.

Thank you very much for the 30# congrats! I'm so grateful that I seem to have found a way of eating that is manageable for me.

It is refreshing to see that we are not alone in our struggles. So many issues with food are mixed up with much deeper things. I'm sure it will be a lifelong journey for me. I've just got to continue to have the courage to face it on a daily basis. The tendency to stick my head in the sand is something I will always be tempted to do!!!

[GretchenLC]

So... coming off of one of the BEST WEEKS EVER... this Sunday weigh in was slightly anti-climactic:

199.2

Whooptie Do

I know I shouldn't complain! The scale moved DOWN and not UP!!! Plus... I'm SO GRATEFUL to be on onederland. Really... I am... I just HATE that I had such an awesome week last week... and this week felt sort of like....

[cue the Debbie Downer trombone] whaaaaa whoooooahhh.

Life is about to get a little crazy here in the next few weeks. I'm out of town this coming weekend for hubby's mom's birthday. Mothers day out to eat or something like that Sunday... leaving town AGAIN the following Friday taking 45 seniors to Orlando for Senior trip... graduation the weekend after that... out of town wedding the following weekend...

[Heaving into brown paper bag]

GHEEZE!!! I don't get much down time until the MIDDLE OF JUNE!!!

Whew.... now that my rant is over... time to put my big girl panties on and FACE IT!!! Here are some of my plans to deal with all this "life" getting in the way of my eating!

Hubby's moms birthday - we're grilling steaks
Mother's day - not sure - hopefully a low carb choice at a restaurant or maybe Mom will want to come over and we can grill steaks???
Orlando trip - I'll be in theme parks every day, but we're in a condo and I will have eggcreams every morning and an Atkins bar for lunch. Hopefully I'll be able to find some meat or other low carb choice for dinner.
Graduation weekend - eat something before attending any parties or gatherings so I won't be tempted
Wedding weekend - Rehearsal dinner... ugggg pray for meat??? Wedding... eat something before going. Haven't decided if I'm going to partake in the cake and punch yet. I guess it depends on how well I make it through Orlando

My biggest fear through all this junk is that I'm teetering so close to the edge of onderland - I don't have a big enough buffer!!! I don't ever want to see a two-hundred anything again. I would feel so much better if I had a little wiggle room before all this stuff hit!!! As it stands now.. I have ZERO ROOM for screwing up! I've just got to keep focused and stay the course. I will not waive my white flag and use all this stuff as an excuse to eat crap. It's not time to give up now... it's time to FIGHT through all this stuff and come out ahead!

Gretchen's GONNA MAKE IT!!!!!

At least that's what I need to keep telling myself right??? (Sigh)

[GretchenLC]

Well... I seem to be back at my slow pace of about a pound a week. (Sigh) I'm not thrilled but I'm happy. Sunday morning weigh-in:

198.3

So the scale is slowly but surely moving in the right direction! I still have the trip to Orlando to contend with, but I made it through MIL Birthday and Mothers Day without any hiccups! (NO CAKE!?! Can't believe I did it!!!)

I'm thinking of eating off plan one or two evenings of our Orlando trip. I will be eating well for Breakfast and Lunch everyday but I plan on splurging a couple nights for dinner. In the past it has helped me to shake things up a bit as far as my eating goes. Before we left for Texas and NYC I was in a 1 pound per week pattern for several weeks and after eating off plan... I had really good results in the weeks that followed. I'm hopeful I will have the same results this time. Kind of like a shock to the system??? Hopefully I'm not playing with fire here... but that's my plan. The fact that we will be in theme parks every day and walking ALL day will help things too.

Since we leave for Orlando on Friday - I'm going to weigh Friday morning so I have a good pre-trip starting weight on record. Plus... this past Sunday's weigh-in was while TOM was here so maybe I'll be lower on Friday! (Fingers crossed)