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Old 06-17-2011, 06:55 PM   #601
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Whew what a week - STRESS X 1 million.........I have got to find a way to eliminate some of this - I can feel my chest tightening, the veins in my neck, pain in my left arm...gonna research it this weekend. The foot is better, wrist is better, weight is so up I am not even weighing. I am just going to stay strictly on "my" diet. I have a goal to work towards....July 8th a nightclub that my BF and all my friends and I used to go to is re-opening so we are planning on going. If not the 8th then the next weekend. And I do not want to miss it so I am getting in shape once and for all. BF is trying to find a way to his grandson's first b'day in Tyler TX on the 23rd. Due to all the meds he takes he cannot drive. His daughter can pick him up in Natchez, but it is getting him to Natchez and getting him back. He thinks his sister can pick him up in Natchez and bring him to Baton Rouge and I can pick him up in Baton Rouge - about 1hr 15 min drive. But nobody can get him to Natchez. A one way ticket is way too expensive to get to Dallas..hopefully he can find a way, I would hate to see him miss it and I know his daughter would be very disappointed. But I am staying out of it............

I am concentrating on ME!!
I now need to get back to exercise. I got a tape that is very low impact but very high intensity so I will try that one tomorrow in the morning. Then in the evening I will try to do some sort of Yoga or Tai chi. I am getting back to simple basics for food - what I think is best for ME and that will be different everyday. I cannot do black coffee - I can get by with small amounts of fat, food that is not fried, minimal veggie (green ones only), ocassional shakes (low carb) and some mornings 1/2 grapefruit. I tend to like and do better eating tuna w/mayo, boiled eggs w/mayo and beef instead of fish and chicken but I know that fish and chicken are better for me so I will try to eat more of them. And I know I need to incorporate more foods like avocados(love) and I MUST drink more water!! Hopfully I won't need to take any pain meds here on out. And hopefully I can get my stomach straight this weekend - it has been very upset (most likely due to all the carby, sugary foods I have been eating for the past week). Any way I am recommitting for the upteenth time....hopfully this one is the charm!!
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Old 06-18-2011, 07:13 PM   #602
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Today was better than its been food wise but def not perfect. Exercise - 60 minutes high intensity low impact cardio - too much for my foot and ankle. My foot that injured woke me in my sleep and hurt so bad I had to get the heating pad - also feel weird little pains going up the inside of my thigh. And the exercise made it worse. Also for some reason my right wrist that I injured is super sore to the point that I cannot even tear a piece of paper. I am getting worried about these injuries..........BF got bad news today - he won't be able to see his grandson for his first birthday - his sister cannot drive him to meet his daughter because she is going to Florida. Flying is way too expensive - over 400.00 to fly round trip to Dallas, then its an hour drive to Tyler. He is upset and now has a migraine.

Anyway, tomorrow will be even better than today food and exercise wise. I WILL stay on my plan and I will exercise - something - not sure what my body will allow me to do but something . I think I will cook a ribeye for BF for dinner and filet for me along with green beans or asparagus or salad. Probably a baked potato for BF - I really don't care for Baked Potatoes so it will not be a temptation. Most likely a 1/2 grapefruit for breakfast followed by either a shake or a yogurt or an egg. Need to go to the grocery and plan and prepare for the week ahead.

Tuesday I need to call and make a hair appointment for Saturday and I need to start taking my B Complex vits to try to stay calm and I need to try to take the OM3 - Omegas. I will ease into them.....
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Old 06-19-2011, 09:16 AM   #603
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Did a circuit type workout - old one w/Raquel Welch! B=coffee + 1 egg w/cheese. Will go to the grocery shortly to get steaks for tonight!!
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Old 06-19-2011, 04:40 PM   #604
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Should never have done ab work - I forget how it causes me to have pains in my stomach.

Rest of the day's food: coffee + cream cheesew/splenda + 1 T omega peanut butter + bite of a brownie(did not even taste good) + few bites of filet + asparagus tips w/ 1 tsp organic blue cheese dressing. Tried to drink some cabernet but 1 sip and I threw it out - tasted like vinegar.......

Bought some cocoa & cinn almonds for snacks at work.

Plan for tomorrow is to exercise for 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes at night. Breakfast will be coffee & protein shake. Later snack will be melba (1) unsalted w/1 pc cheese. L=2 hb eggs w/1 yolk and pepper. Dinner will be left over filet w/asparagus. Maybe small coffee after dinner
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Old 06-21-2011, 05:38 PM   #605
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Still not 100% on plan but getting better day by day. Today I did exercise finally!! Weird...did a sit down cardio dvd but did it standing and was really sweating!! It was really pretty good - I am shocked. Don't think I would have liked it as much if I could not do the lower body work.

Work was better today - a little - still very stressfull, but I am working on staying calm. Got cheap airline tickets today for BF to visit his grandson in August - Southwest has a sale til 6/23.

Still need to seriously work on the food and quickly........today was much much better and calories I know were lower but still have a ways to go. Still not weighing will wait til Friday -which has always been my weigh in goal day - since I started losing weight.
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Old 06-23-2011, 03:49 PM   #606
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Wasn't feeling real great but now I really feel nauseated. Ate 1/2 burger plain and was cleaning up when all of a sudden the dog threw up twice. BF had given her a small piece of ground beef and OMG it looked like all her intestines came up. Poor little thing - then BF says she had a little loose BM around 2pm today. She has been frightened by the rain, thunder & lightening so that may be it but she looks a little green around the gills. Just when I thought I would have a relaxing weekend.........If she gets sick again BF will have to take her to the vet tomorrow.

Food has sucked again - yesterday and today not so bad but still not on track & I know it is because I am allowing work stress to get to me. I need to just shut my door and keep to myself and not get involved in anything......I sure wish I could retire!! I am planning on getting back on track tomorrow and re starting the exercising on Saturday, although I did pretty good this week - exercised 3 out of 4 days!! Also need to get back on my B Complex and I plan on buying some Vitaminerals Green by Healthforce from Amazon.
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Old 06-25-2011, 01:00 PM   #607
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Weighed.....

Not a surprise though.........

Exercise: 40 min Prevention cardio tried to do some callanetic but I just cannot get into it - wish I could....
B=coffee + 1 tsp of PB + 1/2 cup greek yogurt + 1 strawberry + 1 tsp van protein powder
L=nothing
D=not sure - if we stay in - scallops and asparagus. If we go out - it will be meat and a salad or mixed veggies. I really want a Bud's Broiler hambuger w/onions and cheese but I am sure BF will not want to go there.

It was 99 degrees at noon today......hot as Hades!

I received my Trionz bracelet to day and put it on - will see if it works....
Went to Kmart - underwear sale!! Then went to SteinMart and go a really cute Tshirt w/long vest type thing for 10.00 on sale!!

I have got to stay on course and get rid of this weight. I will do this.
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Old 06-25-2011, 01:28 PM   #608
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Hi Debbi. I just wanted to say grats on your weight loss. Wow, great job! I may have to visit you from time to time for inspiration.
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Old 06-26-2011, 04:50 PM   #609
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Thanks Balance101! Come by anytime.........

Dinner turned out to be roasted chicken breast, lettuce, 1 sl thin swiss cheese and 1 T blue cheese dressing, cup of coffee. Lunch was 1/2 cup low sodium cottage cheese.
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Old 06-29-2011, 05:12 PM   #610
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It has been a really bad week......but tomorrow is my Friday. BF has had a migraine for 3 days now......I am definitely putting myself first this mini vacation!! Ordered a bunch of books to read and hope I get them by Friday! Also called the doctor for a referral to an Endo - have not heard back yet so I may just call myself. Tomorrow I start back full blast on my diet to try to get 20lbs off by 7/23 - I know it is far fetched but it is a goal to aspire to and desparately needed. Sometime in those 3 weeks hopefully I will be going to an endo to determine if thyroid is an issue once and for all. Praying that I stay well and stay on plan.
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Old 06-30-2011, 05:24 PM   #611
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Okay, today was the pits - nothing but candy all day - but it is gone now I won't go to work tomorrow I am taking the day off. I start from scratch tomorrow w/my exercise and diet. I will be exercising 2 x per day for a minimum of 30 minutes and I will be eating better - the way I know works for my body and I will post daily. I am not sure if I will weigh tomorrow I am afraid I will be too devastated - but it is what it is so I might as well face it now I guess - we'll see. Tomorrow will most likely be a walk day - Leslie's Walk & Kick in morning and in the evening, since my stamina body dome came so I will do one of my Brenda Dygraf DVDs for the dome. Plan for food is: Coffee + 1/2 grapefruit; 1 egg w/1tsp butter; small salad w/avocado for lunch w/shrimp ; veggies and coffee for dinner. Snack is either small yogurt or pc cr cheese. ONE Day at a time!

I was able to make an appointment today w/an Endocrinologist - Dr Andrews at Ochsner - he was one of the Sugar Buster authors - I cannot get in to see him until August 18th but I would rather wait and see him then see someone else.....I've waited this long, I can wait a few more weeks.

BF still has the migraine and the dog was groomed today and as usual cut way too short so she has razor burn - I wanted a summer cut for her and I spoke to the groomer to explain that I did want her shaved and darn it - I can see pink skin and she is itching....I put Gold Bond powder on her and it seems to be helping. Poor thing!!

My plans for the long weekend are to clean up the house, shampoo the carpet, visit the cemetary and take care of myself! So happy to be off until the 5th!!!!!

Last edited by Debbi; 06-30-2011 at 05:26 PM..
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Old 07-01-2011, 07:46 AM   #612
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Day 1:

Weight - not as bad as I thought - actually 1lb less than last time I weighed.
Pre exercise: Coffee, 1 tsp peanut butter for supplements - coq10, B5 & B12.
Exercise: Jillian Michaeals, Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism - 58 minutes of intense circuit aerobics - OMG, I was sweating buckets and I modified due to my injuries. Did not like all the ab work - simply because I will pay for it later w/cramping. Could never do this more than 3 times per week -

Breakfast - greek yogurt w/berries and 1 tsp vanilla protein powder.

Happy to be off work!!
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Old 07-01-2011, 05:00 PM   #613
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If anyone reads this please say a prayer for my little Bichon Sophie. I discovered several bruises on my dog took her to the vet and she is near death - her platelet count is almost 0 - It is an immune disorder no rhyme or reason no known cause. They will be drawing blood every so many hours - please please pray that her platelets come up quickly. If they don't she will have to have a blood transfusion, maybe chemotherapy. She is a loving little dog, full of life and we are very attached to her.
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Old 07-02-2011, 06:41 AM   #614
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Day 2
Weight is the same - which is a miracle given the stress of yesterday
I am waiting for the Vet to call me about Sophie's status - when I called they were in the middle of her morning treatment. Praying her platelets are coming up and she can come home soon. I have no idea what the cost of this will be. I cannot stop crying. I went to bed crying and woke up crying - still crying. Will go to church later to light a candle for Sophie.

Plan for today after I speak to the Vet:
Exercise will be Classical stretch segment and 26 minutes of cardio..
Will vacuum and mop today, clean up in general. May dye my hair today.

Food will be:
Lots of coffee, eggs, cheese, either fish or a burger for early dinner/late lunch.
Before we learned about Sophie I went to the grocery and found something called Philly Swirls - ice cream blend sort of like popsicle mixed w/a little vanilla ice cream - like a creamsicle. They are small but only 14 calories and sugar free - good for a low cal/no sugar treat! My books also came yesterday and I will be reading them this weekend for sure.

Please Pray for Sophie.
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Old 07-02-2011, 09:10 AM   #615
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Heard from the doctor and Sophie's platelet count is slowly improving...PTL! We can visit her today - another 24hrs will tell the story, she is still in the bleeding zone and not out of the woods yet but it looks much better today!

Exercise = Upper body segment from Inten Sati and Classical Stretch total body.
Breakfast=coffee, 2 strawberries, 1 sm pc cantalope
L=2 T no salt PB w/ Vanilla protein powder
D/Early=We will go see Sophie, run some errands and around 2 or 3 stop and get a Bud's Broiler burger - best ever - I will get one w/onions, cheese, mayo- no bun.
Snack (around 6pm) = pc cream cheese + coffee
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Old 07-02-2011, 01:12 PM   #616
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Went to see Sophie - her entire chest area is red, raw, and bruised badly - it is so pitiful to see, but, she was happy to see us - we are hoping she continues to improve throughout the night and praying for good news in the morning.

Mopped and vaccumed the kitchen - haven't really done anything else. Trying to decide what to eat for dinner - did not eat a burger or anything else - only had a mini philly swirl diet popsicle - 14 cals no sugar - they are just okay.

It is so hot out that I just don't want to eat anything hot - really just want a salad or something. We'll see. I could cook scallops or tilapia here..........don't know. I also really want to ready my books tonight Turbocharged Diet book (looks promising) and Why do I still have Thyroid symptoms - looks like there is lots of good info.
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Old 07-02-2011, 03:53 PM   #617
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Ended up eating at Outback - small filet and salad w/blue cheese & water - really good - haven't had beef in a while. Having my coffee and will start reading shortly - I am soooo tired - drained is a better word.........
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Old 07-03-2011, 02:14 PM   #618
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Weight: down .8
Exercise: 40 minutes cardio and floor exercises - will do a walk after dinner.
Got to get my Sophie this morning and bring her home she still has a long way to go to get her platelets to normal levels but she improved enough that we could bring her home. She is on several meds and will have to go back to the Vet for lab work next week. Please continue to keep her in your prayers. Thank you

Food:
Coffee/4 oz plain 2% fage yogurt w/3 small chunks of watermelon/1T peanut butter w/protein powder & cinn.
No lunch - 1/2 cp coffee
Dinner will be at 5pm - tilapia and brussel sprouts.
S=1 pc cream cheese w/splenda + 1/2 cp coffee

Plan for tomorrow is to do a 10 min KB segment + Linda Evans or Cher cardio video and a segment of classical stretch OR my Brenda Dygraf videos.

PM will be a walk after dinner.
Food: Will try coffee and fruit in the morning. Lunch/Dinner will be: either a hot dog and small salad or salad w/a little chicken and avocado w/Braggs.

Need to boil some eggs for work as well.

During the week I am planning on reducing my exercise to a 12 minute weight work out in the morning along w/ a 15 minute walk and then the same thing in the evening. Will try to get the walk up to 30 minutes whenever I have the time.

I am thinking I will go back to just fruit in the am then an hour later have an egg or shake or yogurt. Lunch will be a salad w/ about 2 oz of protein and Dinner will be mainly protein w/a small amount of veggies. Then I will reverse it the following week and have the same breakfast only have the larger protein serving for lunch w/small veggie and then the larger veggie at dinner w/small amount of protein and see which way works best. Will add in avocado whenever I can and will try to limit my fat to Braggs and OO - some unsalted butter. Also plan on really cutting back on the yogurt. Will semi freeze the EAS vanilla shakes and add a shot of cold coffee to them in the morning - YUM!

Hopefully the twice a day exercise will help, because the once per day is not cutting it. I just hope I can do it and not be too tired.
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Old 07-04-2011, 08:59 AM   #619
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Weight: up .8
Exercise: 12 min circuit training for women - circuit one + Fit over 50 UB, standing abs and 5 min cardio + 14 minute Classic Mile - Leslie.
Food:
B=Coffee + 2% Fage yogurt

Gave Sophie her morning pills - her urine is very dark so I put a call in to the Vet just to be sure we are okay.

Just being lazy right now but will leave for the grocery shortly - need Hot Dogs/Burgers/Strawberries/whipped cream/yogurt/eggs/water/lettuce/pork rinds

Most likely will fix a hot dog and burger later - will have 1 hot dog and 1/2 burger and then berries w/cream!!

Also plan on exercising after dinner - 1 mile walk + repeat of Circuit one. Plan on doing this all throughout the week until next Sunday when I weigh in again.

Happy 4th!!
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Old 07-04-2011, 02:15 PM   #620
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Had the yogurt..later had a slice of swiss and a slice of low sodium turkey....then some cream cheese.........around 5pm we will have hot dogs - no burgers! BF will have 2 w/buns - I will have one bunless. Then strawberrries w/whipped cream. Don't know if I will exercise after dinner or not - I am so tired and feel like I am coming down w/sinus stuff - too a Mucinex and had 1/2 cup of coffee......

Tomorrow my plan is to get up early enough to do Circuit 2 and a 1 mile walk. Go to work....coffee only in the morning. Early lunch - salad w/avocado and tuna and Braggs dressing. Dinner = tilapia + green beans. Will try to walk after dinner. Keeping it Simple!!
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Old 07-05-2011, 04:52 PM   #621
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Weight: Maintained
Exercise: 0 - could not sleep so woke too late & was too tired
B=low carb toast w/1T Earth Balanced PB
L=low carb toast w/1/2 can tuna in oo
D=slice deli turkey - low sodium + slice low sodium swiss + mayo
S=3 coffees/1 low carb ice cream/5 almonds

Not so great but it was easy food to eat on a horrible day back to work. Still worried about Sophie.......she is not trying to eat or drink any more than usual which the doctor said she would try to do. She is still badly bruised. She is getting lots of rest w/BF since that's what he does all day - rest! Guessing I will call the Vet tomorrow and see about bringing her in on Friday or Saturday.

Not sure what I will do tomorrow - I am just so tired - trying to just make it through the week without eating too badly. Hoping I wake early enough to get it together to exercise tomorrow morning. Breakfast will probably be eggs and lunch will be tuna again and will hopefully have the tilapia tomorrow night w/green beans or I may have a hot dog fixed in the microwave - but that's a lot of sodium.
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Old 07-06-2011, 04:31 PM   #622
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Short update:
Down 1lb today - won't weigh again until Friday am.

Food today was less than stellar............

Exercise was Leslie 1 mile upper body walk

Sophie is just laying around - I am calling the Vet tomorrow morning to get her blood tested. She does look a little better as far as the bruising goes but her little eyes look sick and she is not eating as much as she should be and she is not increasing her water consumption like the doctor said she would be.
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Old 07-09-2011, 07:09 AM   #623
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Well, I think we are almost past the crucial phase of this illness w/Sophie. Went to Vet yesterday and her platelet count is 361!!! Very good........however the WBC are too high and there is another count that is too high - WBC is due to the illness and the other count is due to the steroids - so she will have to go back on Friday and have the blood retested, but, for now the bruising should be over with..........Thank God.

I am going to try to get back on the wagon today. Had a terrible week...warning..TMI..horrid BMs on Thursday and Friday - had to take Imodium.

Today:
Pre Exercise: Coffee & Vits
Exercise: 1 hr - Walk/Kick - Leslie Sansone + Gold's Gym Kettlebell workout. PM - will do a Classical Stretch workout
Food: Meal 1 - 2 scrambled eggs in butter and another coffee/Snack = mini low carb owner + 1 cheese stick. Dinner= Scallops + asparagus w/1tsp dressing + 1 tsp butter on scallops. + coffee Snack = Cherries.................

Hopefully I stick to this plan today - will definitely try!!
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Old 07-09-2011, 07:40 PM   #624
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Ended up having a breakfast of egg whites w/2T shredded cheddar and 1/2 oz of one third less cream cheese. Lunch was snacking on cheerios Dinner was half a can of low sodium tuna w/mayo, lettuce, green goddess salad dressing and one fourth of an avocado. Snack was 1T peanut butter/mac nuts and coffee I have got to get at least one day under my belt on plan.........will try harder tomorrow.

Will try to do 40 minutes of cardio tomorrow plus lower body plus 20 minute Classical stretch segment in the morning since I seem to not make it to exercising in the evening.
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Old 07-10-2011, 04:22 PM   #625
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Seriously bummed - got on the scale this morning and I have gained all the weight back that I lost in June.....back to square 1.

Today:
Exercise: Old Cosmopolitan circuit workout - really good - sweating & sweating! Then floor legs

B=2% fage w/2 tsp natural pb + 1 tsp Van PP + cinn / coffee
L=scoop tuna w/mayo + pc cream cheese w/Cinn
D= 1 scallop + 1 tilapia fillet w/butter + garlic and pepper & lemon + small amount of green beans/ Coffee
S= 1 SF Philly Swirl - 14 calories/no sugar

Calories are about 900

I have been eating way over my 800-1000 cals that I know will allow me to lose weight. More like 1400 to 1600 which is why of course I have gained. Also as a result of tummy troubles on Thursday and Friday of last week I had to take Imodium and now of course I am having the opposite problem - don't think I have gone since Friday. Oh well.....

I am definitely going back to what worked for me in the past. 1/2 grapefruit in the morning w/coffee (or a shake and then nothing till lunch) + egg later on or a yogurt - then tuna w/lettuce for lunch and some meat w/asparagus and coffee for dinner or soup. Plain and simple. Protein bars when needed/cheese subs for egg or as a snack etc..... Basics. With exercise.

Will try to alternate Circuit type workouts with Classical stretch & SS cardio. On Saturdays longer cardio w/Pilates type workouts and eventually getting to TA arms and legs. I am hoping to lose 10lbs at least by 7/23 when I see my brother. I am just so tired of gaining/losing/gaining/gaining........very depressing. I know that I am depressed and have probably been depressed for a very long time. Also the hormonal situation has really kicked me in the rear and the stress of my job, my home life, finances etc are just too much to handle and are wrecking havoc on my health. I am hoping the endocrinologist that I will go to in August will help. In the meanwhile though I need to suck it up, get more sleep, make exercise a priority and ignore as much stress as possible at work and at home. I need to get back to a place where I am a priority - I am having a tuff time doing that right now. But I will keep trying.
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Old 07-16-2011, 08:53 PM   #626
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I am finally back on plan. Today was a pretty good day - my transition day, mostly on plan with cals around 900-1000. Did Richard Simmons Blast and Tone followed by Yoga Booty Ballet's Cardio - Burlesque (love their workouts - so inspiring - need to do more of them).

Sophie's WBC count is still very high, platelets are good though. But she is def not herself due to the steroids she is on and the high WBC. The Vet changed her antibiotics and she will have to go back to the Vet again next Friday.

Someone passed a very hurtfull comment about me on facebook- they definitely don't think I would ever find out. Not a friend, but someone I used to be very close to when I was much heavier and the comment was weight related. Obviously this person has no clue that I have lost over 100lbs. And obviously this person doesn't realize that they have provided me with the boost I needed to attack this weight I have gained back with renewed desire. I will get this off now if it kills me! No matter what - then I will make sure that this person sees me again! What a hatefull, evil willed person - I have not had contact w/this person since 1998 - unbelievable.

Anyway, exercise was really great today, food was much better than it has been even though I had more calories than I intended to - I really need to keep it under 1,000 to lose weight. I also made a couple of mediocre choices when I could have done better, but all in all a pretty good first day!

Still not weighing - not till Wednesday - I know I have done some serious damage between the stress of my precious pooch being ill and my recent injuries and I just do not want to know what it is right now. It is what it is and I cannot change it; I just need to move forward, get over it and get past it.....which is exactly what I am doing!

Plan for tomorrow is to do 45 minutes of steady state cardio + floor legs and will make an attempt to walk a mile after dinner. Food plan so far, is tuna for lunch and a burger for dinner w/green beans - still working on the menu!

Last edited by Debbi; 07-16-2011 at 08:56 PM..
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Old 07-17-2011, 02:47 PM   #627
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Decent Day food wise. Did my planned exercise this morning but really did not like it...won't do it again. Getting ready to cook filet and green beans - back to work tomorrow ........ Not sure if I will exercise this evening after dinner - most likely not.
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Old 07-18-2011, 11:09 AM   #628
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Stay strong and don't let evil people ruin your day. When someone talks bad about another person they are usually trying to make themselves feel better with no regards to the other persons feelings. You are a strong and determined person. Keep going you have what it takes to get the weight off .
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Old 07-18-2011, 05:25 PM   #629
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Thanks Irish!!

Today:
Terrible rain storm started @3:30am - poor dog was terrified so she wanted in the bed w/me! Needless to say I ended up oversleeping so no exercise. Work was not horrible - in fact not bad at all......
Food was just okay, not horrible, not terrific.
BF has had a migraine since last night and he accidentally gave the dog a double dose of steroids so we have to skip the dose tonight and start back on them Tuesday night. Poor little thing, vet says she can't jump and run etc because the steroids give her muscle weakness. I was so angry w/BF - then I realized - it is just a mistake. I get too angry with him too quickly and it doesn't help things, so I am going to try a different approach. I will try to be nicer, even if I have to bite my tongue...but...I will leave a written list of things I want him to do everyday and when there are instructions - like with the dogs pills - I will write them down for him. He is 60 and on a lot of meds for all his conditions so I need to have some patience. And I need to not get so upset for my own well being.

I did weigh myself this morning and yes I have gained what I lost but it is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. So now I have a starting point and a goal. Going out with the girls 8/5 so I need to get this weight off Pronto!!

Friend comes back from Colorado tomorrow - glad for that - need to spend more time with friends.

Tomorrow is another day and another chance to look better and feel better!
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Old 07-20-2011, 05:26 PM   #630
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Almost didn't journal tonight, but feel like putting this down and getting it off my chest. BF has had a migraine now almost every day for 5 days. He went to the neurologist yesterday and go a shot, seemed to be doing better last night and this morning. Then at 3:30 at work I got a call that he was in the ER - he had a severe shooting pain across his forehead that caused him to lose conciousness briefly, when he regained conciousness he drove himself to the ER, but he was scared and called me - of course I immediately left work - terrified that he had an aneurysm. Got to the ER and the doctor who examined him said he thought it was just a bad migraine - gave him a shot, told me to watch him and if he develops anything unusual to call 911. So here I sit again, absolutely terrified, waiting for him to have a cerebral aneurysm. Between him and the dog I don't know which way to turn. I feel responsible for both of them and that it is up to me to make sure they are taken care of and stay alive! In feeling this way of course I neglect myself because I cannot do it all.......so here I sit again, depressed and crying, with my own chest pain and nausea scared to death. I won't be going to work tomorrow because I will have to get someone to take me to get his car - and I know I will be up all night worried. I don't mean to sound selfish and I'm not - I would do anything to ensure that BF is well but I feel I really cannot stand up to this constant worry and shock much longer. I feel like my health is really going downhill fast. I know it is all me -how I handle these things but I cannot change how I am or how I react, I wish I could, I wish I knew how - so I can save my own health. I am starting to think that once I know for sure he is okay, I may have to tell him he has to leave, I just cannot handle this any longer - I feel like I am his caretaker not his partner. I give and give and it is not returned. I know he loves me very much - this is just how he is. And I love him with all my heart and will be completely devastated if he goes, but I don't know that I can take this pressure that I put on myself - being responsible for his well being. He has a family, brother, sister, 2 daughters, mother, father, step father, I really think they need to step up and take care of him, I think he needs to go up to North Louisiana where his family is. He just requires too much care for 1 person to handle. I don't know if I am ready to do this, I am just trying to think things out and weigh the alternatives. I just know I have to take care of myself because I am all I've got - the only family I have is my brother who lives far away. Financially this would have no impact - the little bit of money he contributes (not even half the rent) would be saved by the extra groceries, cell phone bill etc that I spend on him. The main problem will be that I will still worry about him getting the proper care - he has improved so much (except for the migraines) that I know no one will look out for him to make sure he is taking his meds (medical and psychiatric) - he needs to be constantly reminded. I pay all his bills for him ( with his money) and make sure he gets to his doctor appointments and always has his medications. None of his family will put the time in that it takes so that he stays well and I fear that sending him home is his death sentence. Aside from that I will be very lonely and the dog loves him so much - they are inseparable - she will be devastated and so will he.......but it has come down to his health or mine at this point. I have a lot to think about. For now, since I cannot do it all, I will call out sick tomorrow and maybe Friday too.....will have to see how it goes.

This morning started out pretty good - just goes to show you never know what is around the corner.......I did manage to workout this morning, about 35 minutes of The Firm's- Firm Cardio. My food started out well and based on my stress levels it really hasn't ended as bad as it could have. One good thing about staying home tomorrow is that at least (if BF is okay) I can get some good exercise in and eat better. I even feel guilty about staying home if I really am not seriously ill - must be that Catholic upbringing!

Last edited by Debbi; 07-20-2011 at 05:33 PM..
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