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healed01 05-23-2008 10:54 PM

The Diet Cure and my journey journal
 
So here I am. 15 years of dieting has led to my heighest weight that I always get to; 175lbs. I tried every diet, WW, Atkins, Dr. Bernstein, all. And I'm still heavy and miserable. The lowest weight I got to was 138lbs and I loved it. When I looked back at what I ate, it was nothing really and I ended up bingeing my way after a year to 170lbs. This new year's I vowed to do it and exercised like crazy, kept my WW points to 18 per day with my APs and then after my trip in April I've gained 15lbs and now weigh 175lbs. I am bulimic and but have not purged in 2 weeks which is good considering. I think about food all the time and I love exercising but dont' when I feel fat. Right now I feel fat. I'm 5'6 and my goal is to get to 150lbs. That's not so bad. But I feel like its soooo far.
I will be logging here daily to remind myself of my goal to be healthy physically, emotianally and spiritually. The biggest damage I have done has been my relationship with food and my body. The abuse I've put it through, no wonder my body rebels and does not co-operate. I feel so bad. The overeating, the stress on my inner lining of stomach, the purging, the depression. The worst aside from being the way I am with me is what my family and social surrounding has had to tolerate because of my foul mood and self loading and hatred. My mom always reminds me NOT to be so hard on myself; fat/skinny: I should not toture or punish myself. That life is life and fat or skinny is not what life is about.
On this journey with all the information and mixed messages about what I should and should not eat, how much or how little etc. I feel lost as to what will work and b/c of all the bombardment of information, I change my diet and routine everyday. ONe day I'm on WW, the next calorie counting..then carb counting then only fruits in the morining, then I fal off the wagon and realise that I need to change something. I feel that with all the yo yo dieting and abuse and stress on my body that I've effected my metabolism, maybe I have candida, parasites (apparently 85% of americans do) etc. I'm tired of wasting my youth on this and not being happy and resolving to this standard of living. I don't want to regret anything.
FAWN referred me to a book that I've read and need to re-read. The Diet Cure by Julia Ross. The reason why I'm using the principles of this book is because it is the first time that someone refers to my bulimia and depression with a solution as opposed to a "look at your childhood" solution. So here I am.

Day 1: I was on WW yesterday and this morning/food combining
BK: 2cups watermelon
snack: coffee and 2T hnh
snack: 1/4 orange
lunch: large chicken breast with salade and dressing
22 almonds
snack: 1/2 cup of strawberries with 3/4 orange
22 almonds and 1/2 cup raisins
AT THIS POINT i'VE GONE OVER MY POINTS AND i'M STARTING TO PANICK
snack (4pm): 3 chocolate coins
snack (4:30pm): starbucks oatmeal cookie
dinner: 1 large sweet potato
7 slices bread with 4 oz feta cheese
1/2 bag of popcorn with tahini
10 almonds

so as you can see I'm addicted to food. I could not stop eating and was soooo famished. I don't want to feel deprived and I did and do all the time. Clearly for me to lose 25lbs I can't eat this much food and only walk 20 minutes a day. Wow just writing this down really opens my eyes to why I'm can gain weight. The issue is the uncontrollabe urge I get to eat and the self loathing I have to eat this way that I can't focus on other things in life. It's like it's my drug and I'm malnourished. That's why I think that I may have some other issue that makes me this vulnerable; aside from food addiction maybe candida/parasites.
I did a colonic yesterday and loved it. It was clear that I'm not drinking water. Also I've schedual a live blood cell microscopy where they analyse your blood composition to determine what may be causing all these issues. I'm excited about this.

So what is my plan:
well it's lifestyle. I want to do something that will be something that I can do for the rest of my life. I would love to say that I eat so many calories and work out this much and I maitain my weight.
I want to be able to eat at least 2100 calories per day and lose weight
I want to moderately workout at a lifetime sustainable level
I want to stay young
I don't ever want to purge again
I don't want to binge
I want to love myself
I don't want to diet anymore
I want to lose weight at a moderate pace based on the way I'll be eating for the rest of my life so no more yo yo ing will happen
I want to eat in a way that is 90% good and 10% room for indulgence occassionally
I don't want to feel deprived.
I

So I'll lean into it.

Here is what my goal is for today:
- reread "The Diet Cure"
- take her assessment and really identify my areas that I need to address
- to make a plan just for tomorrow
- tomorrow to make a plan for the next day
-

My Goal
To weight 150lbs
To achieve this on 2100 calories minimum a day
To achieve this with moderate exercise (min 3x per week- good sweating and 5x - definition (strenght training and yoga)

healed01 05-23-2008 10:55 PM

I"m sill up and can't sleep. I just ordered something that I've wanted to order for so long: Turbo Jam. I'm excited to get my order.

pooticus 05-24-2008 04:18 AM

Look I can so relate to your first post. I haven't read the Diet Cure yet but will be looking into it because I do like reading different diets for reference and added information about nutrition.

But on reviewing your menu for the diet, in my opinion it isn't surprising you are ready to binge and then purge. As a recovering BE/bulimic, I certainly understand the behavior and am sad that you too suffer from it. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train.

I am being honest with you. You simply MUST drop anything looking like sugar or grains in your diet. YOU MUST. Or I predict you will never experience long lasting relief from the bulimia demon.

You have eaten in 1 day and prolly in less than 12 hours. It's no wonder you are ready to stuff sugar into your mouth as fast as you can. This fruit is a HUGE trigger!

2c watermelon
1/2 orange
1/2 c strawberries
1/2 c raisins

At the most now, I have 1/2c of strawberries or 1/3c of blueberries in one day. All other items like the orange, watermelon or raisins are simply not on my plan. You also know 22 almonds is unreasonable. So for the time being, until you can control your portions, drop nuts all together.

Dr. Atkins writes that breaking food addictions is one of the leading pros of the Atkins Diet. At this point for you, you need to be doing the strictly low carb part of the Weight Watchers plan and if they don't have one, switch diets.

You need to know that in dieting, there is some deprivation at some level. There just is. The key is to find the long term level at which you can operate while simultaneously losing weight. It's hard to find this point but worth it to you in the end.

miss sparky 05-24-2008 04:23 AM

What Pooticus said.

Keep logging in. We're all here for you:hugs:

healed01 05-24-2008 06:13 AM

Thanks guys. Yes I know the fruit is too much and yesterday was a typical "bad" day. I have resolved to low carb. I am planning my meals to be 3 (with 2 snks) if needed.

This morning I have resolved to do some things. I need to make a list of to-dos so I don't feel like my day is only about dieting and waiting around for weight loss. I'll be moving in 3 weeks:
- Induction for 14 days then OWL
- exercise daily (something)

Today's achievements ( what I would like to do)
- drink 4 cups of water before bk ( just did)
- make bk and sit and eat at the table.
- de-furr (wax, etc)
- go to the bank
- pay bills
- check out my locker for stuff I want to move
- go buy my L-tyrosine and other needed supp
- to make my supp master list
- do the laundry
- write thank you letters to my former managers
- go for a walk
- workout DVD
- make sure my cancellation for gym is processed

Bibby 05-24-2008 06:39 AM

Best wishes to you. I like the advice you have been given and your way of dealing with it.

Best wishes for the future. Take a day at a time. How about planning to do some nice low carb recipes. Dana Carpender has a 15 minute low carb meal book if you don't go in for involved recipes.

Anyway, let us know how you're doing. :)

fawn 05-24-2008 08:23 AM

healed,
I wish you much success in this journey. Take this one step, one day, one week at a time. Make every decision count. I would also like to recommend L-glutamine and take it faithfully. get the caplets so that you can just open it and empty into your mouth 500mg. when you feel cravings.....(no more than 3 per day) Remember, this is not about what you cannot have but what you can have in the arena of whole fresh foods. If you eat for nutrition rather than focusing so much on weight loss, the losses fall into place. This is the most enjoyable diet for a lifetime......one just needs to wrap their head around it.
Keep that book close......it's a brilliant read.......
and in the mean time, educate yourself about your plan as much as you possibly can.
go to westonaprice.org and browse all of the articles....they're fascinating and i learn something new every time I hit that site.

LowCarbRachel 05-24-2008 08:31 AM

I wish you luck on your journey.

I think you're very smart to make a list of things to focus on besides just weight loss. We've got to find a way to live our lives that isn't based on the scale. I find that many of my daily activities are based on thinking about losing weight or working towards it.

I'm in a very specific program right now, but still, a list of other things to do, unrelated to what the scale might say in the AM, is a wonderful idea. Thanks for sharing it.

Bibby 05-24-2008 08:44 AM

Oh yes, I agree it IS a great read. I was so impressed at his style when I read a little of it in the shop before I bought it. I always looked on it as my bible. Even when I failed, I wanted the book close because I always felt it was THE best WOE and it would be there for me. SO, imagine my surprise when I moved to Turkey and realised I hadn't got the book with me. Anyway, I bought another copy while in the UK and I am SO happy.

The index can be a pain and I often find something interesting only to have trouble locating it later due to the failings of the index. But apart from that it is well written, written for ME and very motivating.

healed01 05-24-2008 08:45 AM

thanks for all your support. I have purchased the L-glutamine and left it at work. As for sugar cravings, I'm ok right now. I did take some Chromium, magnesium, Vit C so far.
For bk I prepared a sit down meal. I hate how I feel right now that all revolves around eating and exercising. I feel like my life is this; reduced to my weight. But I know I have to heal. For those of you that may be reading this journal, I will be posting as much at the beginning to express my feelings like a diary...the first days are always obsessive journaling. But I need to get it out.

Breakfast with supps:
- salmon with 3 eggs
- organinc romaine, olive oil (2T) lightly grilled green and red pepper along with brussel sprouts with 1.3 cup cooked cauliflower

Mood: I feel good. Not bloated. I'm disgusted with myself and my body of how I've treated it and how I spend my time. But I'm trying my best to change. I cleaned after myself in the kitchen right away and I go around to my scrap book. I've been meaning to put my Paris pictures and some things that I collected from my trip in '05 in the scrap book. Well there's an hour spent doing something other than thinking about me, my weight and food.

NewYorkGiants32 05-24-2008 06:30 PM

Good luck to you!! I am only on day four w/ no binge/purge...I can totally relate.

healed01 05-25-2008 08:09 AM

Sunday Day #2:
yesterday was a battle. I changed my mind about my diet a million times..vegan, raw, 21lbs in 21 days. I know they all contradict each other and not the best choices for someone who is overcoming an ED. What a disaster! My brain is overloaded and now here I am so tired of my thinking. I know my digestiive system is in overload from all the stress it's causing me. So I woke up and resolve to stick with my program. Yesterday was not the best eating day..I guess I expect to solve my problem overnight and to wake up skinny and when I don't I think its the diet or woe and that I need to change. Here is what I ate (not the best):

- salmon and 3 eggs and veggies with oil
- 2 smoothies made with cantalop and hemp protein
- bag of popcorn with tahini
- almonds and dried fruit (too many)
- salade with cauli and green beans cheese and oil and olives
- more (don't remember)

I believe what's wrong is I'm out of control with my portions. Here's what I ate today. I'm trying to reduce digestive stress:
- anti-oxidant berry drink with water added some green powder
- juiced a carrot, celery
- 1 cup of fruit: apple, strawberries, pear, orange with squirt of lime juice

I went to the gym and walked a leisurely mile, sat in the sauna to sweat for 25 min and showered. I also dry brushed this morning and showered. I feel dirty but dry.

Goals for today:
- go shopping/beach walk
- watch my portions (add more protein to meals; at least 20g)
- re-read the Diet Cure and Weston Price Web site
- do a workout DVD

NewYorkGiants: thanks for stopping by. One day at a time. Best of luck

Meli-Mel 05-25-2008 08:22 AM

I don't have an eating problem, but the first thing that jumps out at me is that you need to choose a plan and stick to it. Give one plan a chance before jumping around to another and another and another. Make out a menu for the day and stick to it. Just for one day. You can do it for one whole day. And then the next day, do it again. And repeat. This process has helped me immensely to overcome the urge to eat something not on plan. I know that I can do without any food item for one day.

I wish you the best of luck. I can see that you are struggling and while change does not happen overnight, it can happen. Give yourself a chance to see just how strong you are!

Bibby 05-25-2008 08:38 AM

Read DANDR, Atkins is so down to earth in his book. He knows what makes people tick. Read what he says about how your body craves carbs and how his Way Of Eating breaks you of the carb addiction. You must be convinced about whatever diet you choose. So read what he says and get the motivation to follow his WOE. Once you have carbs kicked into the kerb, you will feel better and be in control.

You are allowing carbs to sabotage you.

Meli-Mel is right, -you need to stick to one eating plan.

LowCarbRachel 05-25-2008 08:48 AM

Wow, I know what you mean. I read every diet book out there, looking for a plan that seems the best fit for me. What that means for me is: what plan will allow me to get away with the most while I am still losing weight? Sometimes it's so confusing in my mind that I just want to scream. Can you afford to work with a nutritionist? Mine is really helping me.

fawn 05-25-2008 10:05 AM

heeled, I'm afraid you're ingesting far too much sugar to establish consistency with the cravings. You're quite possibly creating an atmosphere for candida, cravings and the urge to purge!

My advice to you is to get on a higher fat much lower carb ratio.

After 8 years, I do not eat dried fruit unless expending a great amount of energy. Not to say you must eat like me but it's an example of how much sugar is packed into dried fruit. It's really a recipe for disaster.

Get some ratios down and your ratios should be consumed in the order of fat/protein/complex carbohydrates
For you a good ratio to start might be 65/20/15

I'm afraid that if you don't manage your macro nutrients in this manner you will be on a roller coaster.

healed01 05-25-2008 05:40 PM

Binge Free: day 1
Purge Free: day 1
Activity: walking at the beach and at the gym
Pampering: sauna


so I had the best day. What a difference it can be when you make a decision to not feel like you have to live by the diet. I believe I will need to renew my vow every morning and PRAY to God for guidance and strength and renew my commitment. Yesterday I did not go outside and thought about all the planning and diets in the world. Today I made a decision to listen to my mom and all your advises. One thing I read in the Diet Cure is to look around your family and culture and ancestors; the way they eat and ate. My family is thin. I'm not fat. Just need to get down from a size 12 to 6-8 and lose 25lbs and 30lbs. My biggest issue is more of how I'm treating my body and my mental state. I'm very active, unless I've binged and purged. I know alot about health and whole foods. But I don't behave the way I would like to and I abuse my mind spirit and body.
So today I got up and thought about how my family eats and lives and why I'm not following it and why I'm depriving myself of life. Here's what I did:
- gym; walked and went in the sauna: dry skin brush
- bk: cup of fruit and fresh celery and carrot juice
- coffee and cream
- lunch: my mom and I shared some baby carrots and organic hummus along with sprouts and organic quinoa salade
We walked along the beach and ate this at a health food store where I bought my aminos and some aloe very juice. I feel very stable and under control
- dinner: 5 raw peanuts, 1 cup of lc fruit before dinner. Mackerel fish with onion, 1/8 cup of whole grain Japonia mahogani rice with homemade veggie soup

as I type I am sipping some Emergen-C that Julian Ross recommended. I feel at peace and very satisfied.
I don't know if it's b/c of the bulimia, but I find when I eat smaller portions I feel better and satisfied. I feel better when I graze as opposed to sitting down to bigger meals. I digest better and I know that I haven't overeaten and I do have an opp. to eat more and not feeling deprived that it was the last meal of my day.

I'm also going to cut out the nuts. I believe my overconsumption has lead to addiction and I'm not digesting very well.

I am looking forward to Tuesday for my colonic and my live cell microscopy.

healed01 05-26-2008 05:26 AM

Day 2:
I slept early last night. I believe when i don't it's because I'm so disatisfied with life. Well I took a melatonin to elongate my sleeping time and bang I was out by 10pm. I woke up feeling great, not bloated, hopefull and light.

I'm at work right now: I took my aminos this morning and then I had half a fillet of salmon and I got a coffee with cream from Tim's. The Diet Cure does say to cut out caffein. I really should but I usually just have one and actually once that one is done, I can't even stomach a second one. The coffee is making me sweat! hee hee anyway I'll log my mood and food to see if the effects are leading me to binges.

I'm trying to figure out a way to have a breakfast at work to get veggies, and protein and fat.

I like the smoothie idea but I like to eat my bk at work as opposed to home. Any ideas? I guess I can bring my blender to work?! My goal is not to eat too much meat b/c I can't afford grass-fed free roaming animals. I've been using some Hemp Protein in my smoothies.
hmmm...

Upon rising:
- aminos, magnesium, 2 cups of water, Emergen-C lite
- BK large coffee with 18% cream, 1/2 salmon fillet (pacific wild alaskan)

HezzieLee 05-26-2008 06:57 AM

Have you thought about any professional advice from a doctor or nutritionist. these things can be really difficult to do on our own. I've checked in with my dr at least once in the past 3 months to make sure I've been keeping healthy.
with all the switching of diet plans you've done, I agree that you should pick one plan and stick with it. I loved the DANDR book-it made sense for me and who I am as an eater. consistancy is the key. FOLLOW THE PLAN TO THE LETTER. and never give up.
God Bless- Hez

healed01 05-26-2008 09:58 AM

so here I am after lunch : mood-food log.

I had some homemade soup that I made in my slowcooker all veggies along with sweet potatoe and parsnip. 2oz of salmon and 2 cups of mixed fruit.
I feel full but I do have some cravings. I'm not going to binge but I do want to realize How I feel. In the past I would run out and go buy food off plan to feel better. Don't know if it's because I'm bored that I need to eat more. Anyway got back to my desk and did have
33 almonds and 1/8 cup of raisins. My downfall. I'm not going to beat myself up. I just need to make sure that my next meal is protein and fat.

I will continue to read my books..DANDR and The Diet Cure to make sure I understand the steps I need to take to be more at ease and to lose weight. I'm happy that this has not sent me to a binge/purge and it doesn't have to. I just know that if I were just to follow what i know that I will have an easier and more pleasant time.

Fawn: I'm still tyring to wrap my brain around how i will get 65/20/15 ratios in

based on a minimum caloric intake of 2000cal per day
that's
1300 cal from fat
400cal from protein
300 cal from carb

I think I'm overanalysing and I need to plan my daily menu, make it interesting healthy and organic and stick to it and the ratios will fall in place....

I believe I'll go drink some water.

healed01 05-26-2008 04:03 PM

wow what a rollercoaster ...my afternoon by 4pm I was starving...I need to plan another meal in the afternoon.

I had a cup of soup and more almonds (10) and 1/4cup of raisins....I am addicted and this leads to the shakes!!!! I've really got to stop. So I also had half a cookie and then I came home and had my protein rich dinner. I'm really full but I am craving something. I'm not having the most perfect days here but in the past I would have not logged this and I would have come back only when things are or were perfect.

I am re-reading DANDR and coming up with somerhing that will make me happy and a plan that is do-able.

Bibby 05-26-2008 04:21 PM

Are you doing Atkins?? I am getting confused.

LynnScarlet 05-26-2008 04:55 PM

Hello

I love Julia Ross. I have read her work for years.

My only advice to you would be that I think you need more protein and fat. We are very similar. I am 5'5 and am at 158 from a high of 173. I have been dealing with BED for a few years. It is pretty much under control now though.

I am on a limited budget but I do try to buy organic and free range. I know it's expensive but to me the food is more important than anything else I could buy with my money like clothes or whatever.

So if you make say a sweet potato soup make sure to include some chicken or something with it. Otherwise it's all carbs. Yes they are good carbs but they will upset your blood sugar levels if you don't include protein or fat.

jacksmixedtape 05-26-2008 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pooticus (Post 10358081)
I am being honest with you. You simply MUST drop anything looking like sugar or grains in your diet. YOU MUST. Or I predict you will never experience long lasting relief from the bulimia demon.

DITTO. Getting off of sugar and grains is the only plan that normalized my relationship with food. It's tough and you'll "cheat" every so often, but it gets easier and easier. You don't want to be self-destructive when you are only ingesting healthful, satisfying foods. Atkins works. Just give induction a fair shot. Good for you for taking control of your health! You deserve better. :hugs:

HezzieLee 05-26-2008 05:53 PM

step away from the raisins! NOW!

aunatural 05-27-2008 06:20 AM

I haven't read through all the posts but here are my observations:

1. You should really start planning your meals at least a week in advance. Grocery shop around the way you plan to eat and get rid of the non-plan food in the house. If you've got kids or a significant other and they are an excuse to keep unhealthy food in the house, chances are if it's not good for you, it's not good for them either.

2. For someone with your eating disorder issues, I would suggest not structuring your diet around calorie intake. I would also suggest finding an overeater's support group or seeing a therapist. It seems to me that most of your food issues are mental.

3. You need to pick a diet that is right for you. It seems from reading some of your meals that you like fruit. Then perhaps you should try a diet that allows you to eat fruit. I lost almost 40 pounds eating a food combining diet. The only thing I had to give up was unhealthy processed grains, higher starch vegetables (corn, potatoes, carrots), and sugar. It took me a year but it was easy for me to follow because I was able to eat all the foods I love. You really need to get honest with yourself about the (healthy) foods you like to eat. If you pick a diet that doesn't align with that, the chances of long term success shrink.

4.
Quote:

Originally Posted by healed01 (Post 10357955)
My goal is not to eat too much meat b/c I can't afford grass-fed free roaming animals.

You do not need to buy grass fed beef. The majority of low carbers do just fine buying regular meat. This is another excuse to keep eating the way you are. I don't know a successful low carber that does not eat meat. If you don't want to eat a lot of meat (and it's obvious from your meal plan that you dont), LOW CARB IS NOT THE DIET FOR YOU. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.

5. Until you are more in control of your eating, you need to throw away or donate the foods that are triggers for you and/or do not fit into your plan. From what you posted, that would be almonds (I guess nuts in general), raisins (dried fruit and fruit juices generally have more concentrated sugars than fresh. If you're going to eat fruit, stick with the fresh) bread, popcorn, chocolate.

6. Honestly, you are trying to do too much. You need to get your mind right first and then this will all be a lot easier.

healed01 05-27-2008 09:04 AM

Thanks for all the advise.

Today is a better day...why b/c
a) I planned my day last night about what I would eat
b) I had a substantial bk
c) I did not graze
d) litre of water prior to bk to hydrate

I have an appt today with my naturapath dr who's going to be doing a blood micropscopy test; candida, parasites etc. I'm really excited. Well I had to fast for 5 hours, which means I planned a good bk and have not eaten since 9am. My appt is at 2pm. usually I would have eaten a million times at my desk and would have felt tired from overrunning my digestive system, but I feel grate. I always have more energy with I don't overeat. I also vowed for induction and this helped with any cravings or hunger

BK: 3 hb eggs with Atkins (homemade) soup, coffee and cream

healed01 05-27-2008 09:05 AM

you're right, you're right...I am overthinking everything and going crazy. Thanks for reminding me to KISS

healed01 05-27-2008 09:06 AM

Raisins....GONE...you're off to the galaxy...and don't come back...

healed01 05-27-2008 04:22 PM

Parasites

I can't believe I'm typing that word out but I have them in my blood along with toxic metal.
I went for my second colonic and after I had a schedualed live cell microscopy. Basically the dr. takes your blood(finger) and looks at it under a microscope. I sat with her for 2-3 hours as she analyzed my blood.

She said that I had major parasites in my blood along with crystalization and toxic metal. There is a treatment that I can do to eliminate. I am concerned but as she addressed my issues she explained many of the symptoms that I may be having due to it. She also pointed out that b/c of the parasites, as they feed on the nutrients that I eat, this may explain why I have major cravings and why I feel depressed, lack of nutrients. She also examined my lymphatic system and she noticed and so did I, that my left lymph gland in my armpit was tender and swollen. This is quite the wake up call, to just get healthy. I really hope that this is not a con or fraud, as I've read about this before but I can't help but believe her based on how I feel. I also tested for blood type B, and everywhere i go I see that blood type doctor book in all the wholistic dr. offices. Anyway do any of you have any insight on this whole parasite thing???


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