Psychotherapy Session

[steady]

I will enter my first journal entry soon, but this will be the place I work through my life issues and emotions, but also a place to dream and plan.

[steady]

I need a clean start. This journal will be more like a therapy (rant) session. This will be the place I release pent up thoughts/emotion that usually drive me to binge or eat uncontrollably. This will be the place where I dream. Yes there will be misspelled words, grammatical errors, and sentences that don't make any sense, all of which irritate me, but just going write my stream of conscience.

I am ill. Ill in the head. I just want to be normal and assimilate. I don't fit in, I never will. I am just weird...a person with weird thoughts that no one can relate to or more importantly understand.

My mind is occupied constantly by food--I weigh the good against the evil, I always give into one or the other but I never win. Every meal, every bite, and every thought of food is a battle. Should I? Shouldn't I? I want it. I don't want it. Will I gain weight or will I lose. Its bad for me. Its good for me. What a waste of a perfectly capable mind. I obviously have problems with human instinct...hungry?...eat...it should be that simple but like everything else I do in life...I complicate it. I always think I am making it simple but really I overplan, overdo, and overthink with the intent of making it simple, but end up complicating it or worse making a complete disaster.

This is the story of my life...I think I am a pretty intelligent analytical person. I see the error of my ways, but I never seem to fix them. I am so consumed with food/diet/weight/looks that I really have left the rest of my life at the wayside. I am so mad at myself for being this way... I some how f*cked up everything and am trying to put all back together. Somehow I always seem to think that once I start to eat better foods, my diet will be better, my weight will be more stable, and I will look better, feel better and then I can focus on life. Somehow, I can't seem to get past food/diet/weight/looks to actually carry on with the rest of my life. It has taken a toll on my life and relationships including one with DH.

DH has suffered neglect. He deserves more than I have given him, but he has given me everything he's got. I hold back for fear of giving up control over my emotions..."I can't be head over hells in love" that is too careless. I don't show him all my love, actually almost show him no love, for fear of laying all on the line and then losing it or being rejected. This is not the way to treat a partner in marriage, he needs more attention. But showing him too much love doesn't seem genuine...almost like overacting. He already know I am not a lovey-dove type.

In recent years life has been more hectic, I have consumed my life with food/diet/weight/looks as method of escaping/postponing/stalling on my real life. I don't "deal" with life I've been evading it. That is so sad...because I have a good life and potentially could have a great life if I get beyond this food/diet/weight/looks circle. When did I become so shallow? So numb? NUMB!!! NUMB!!!

That is a key word: NUMB. I am living numbly! I numb feelings/emotions just to "get through" stressful events in life. I binge...to numb feelings. I am numb to DH because I don't want to feel the sting of love. Numbness keeps my emotions in line and me in control. Numbness feels safe, familiar, and comforting...anything else feel uncomfortable...chaotic. Numbness helps me stall and delay reaction to all of life's events.

How do I fix this? Where do I start? Where do I want to end up? I am just overwhelmed...it just it easier feeling numb right now...I am not sure I am ready. Will I ever be? Awww this is too much for today...

[steady]

Wow yesterday's rant made me feel so much better today...might I even say... a little "happy"...even a touch of optimism. I join the IE thread. I always believed in IE...it worked, I binged less and loss about 30 lbs right after college. The hunger scale was key to my success, but as an emotional eater that scale is always skewed. For the scale to work, I always accessed my emotional state. For example, I knew that if I was "hungry" like at a 2...I was probably really was a 3 or 4 without the influence of my emotions. Then prior to eating, I visualized how much food I needed to bring me back to 5-6 and would eat that much or do my best to eat just that much. It was that simple and took about 5 seconds. I am IFing too but more for the exercise in not eating until hungry. It was working for me until the sh*t hit the fan in mid-Feb. Why is my mind so polluted now? I always say my apartment is a reflection of my mind. My apartment is a mess and so is my mind. I have to clean both.

The other thing I like about IE...is that I can eat any food I want, but I WANT to eat LC. That is a huge restriction lifted....I realize it is only perception but it feels huge.

I feel like DEXTER most of time...no feelings at all. I moved from my cubicle to an office today as part of my promotion. It was bit sad, but at the same time I was happy I have been eyeing and working my ass off for this promotion...hence the stress 6 months. But I love my cubicle, because I had a great view of the Brooklyn bridge. I loved coming into work early like 7 am and watching the sunrise over the bridge while sipping on my coffee. But now, I have no windows at all...I know I have SAD...I need to see sun and daylight. This will not help me become a "happier" person AND promotion means more work and more stress, especially now that I will be managing former peers that I competed with to get this promotion. So rather than being happy about moving I was a little sad. I am going to make it a point to walk or atleast sit outside at lunch so I can get some sun now that the weather is getting better.

[telemetrynurse]

Congrats on your promotion!!!

Wow yesterday's rant made me feel so much better today...might I even say... a little "happy"...even a touch of optimism

I admire your courage and candor in posting your struggles.
Wishing you many more happy & optimistic feelings....you deserve it!

[steady]

Thanks Telemetry...I remember reading your journal and often felt that your entries were my own. It is nice to hear encouraging words from you...I have alot of respect for you and all that you have overcome.

I have no hunger today...that is a rear occurance. I take that as a good sign...I am not emotionally eating. I have to admit I have no energy or motivation today either...I just want to lay around and do nothing... I am doing nothing, but I feel guilty. I guess I am stalling from the overwhelming amount of cleaning I must do. I did cook and prep foods today. I was inspired enough to make chicken biryani for DH. I haven't cooked Indian food in awhile...so going back to my roots felt good. Cooking is so relaxing for me, but somehow today I felt a little sad (guilty) because I should be out enjoying the unexpected good weather...it was suppose to rain all day...so I planned to stay in and clean...I CANNOT rely on TWC...they are always wrong. In any event, I just wanted to be alone and cook...actually I didn't need to cook there is plenty of food in the fridge, but wanted that type of relaxation. I worry a bit that there is something deeply wrong with me, because I prefer being alone and nesting in my apartment. Is this a sign of depression? Is getting out and about what I should be doing to feel better rather than cooking indoors alone? Again this brings up my issues with DH...no wonder why he feels neglected. I just feel too worn down to go "explore" the fast pace city right now, but then again, I don't know if I ever really feel like it initially, but I know once I am out there I enjoy it. I just need a BIG huge nudge to go.

I feel so burnt out right now, but I need to make changes. However, making changes is hard. I don't feel ready, but will I every be? I want to change, but when the small opportunities come to change my behavior, I am still choosing my old ways and then excusing it by saying "now? I am not ready yet" and also comfort myself by saying "next time I will be". Next tiem comes around and I say next time again. I think I really need to toughen up, but I am so mentally fragile that I don't even want to hurt myself. How selfish is that?

[simplebeauty]

I am taken by the raw candour of your emotions. It takes guts to talk about it rather than shove it down the throat. I am much more of an analytical introspective person so I always on the look out for journal writers who have this slant to their process. It might not be direst support but there is something about witnessing a person speaking their truth that enables me to speak and live mine.

I feel the whole concept of ‘selfishness’ has been used as a conditioning mechanism for women, which when fully internalised (ingested) prevents self-care and as simple health self respecting choices like healthy boundaries with others. I know about mental fragility, my way has been ‘small steps’…and a lot of tears.

[steady]

Thanks for the support Simplebeauty. I see you are very analytical as well as creative in your journal. This journal is the only place I can be very candid and analyze every little thought.

Surprisingly, I don’t have much to report or rant about. I renewed my commitment to DH. I am not going to spend excessive time “zoning out” by surfing on the internet Therefore, my time here on LCF is limited…that is a good thing. AND both DH and I are going to limit our time in front of the TV. It will help me refocus on life.

Today is day 6 binge free, but I must admit it feels like it’s been longer. I am happy but I still have this emanating feeling that I will binge. I am focusing more on IE that IF. It is working, even went out on Sunday night and ate reasonably. However, I am a bit frustrated with myself because I am mindlessly munching on sunflower seed during the work day in hopes of getting back to one meal a day IF. I guess I have a serving or 2 of seeds a day about 400 cals at most, but I have been eating sensibly at dinner…so that is good. However, yesterday I wanted to eat more at dinner, but I definitely hit “6” on the hunger scale. I didn’t eat more, and went to bed at 8:30 to avoid the “debate” that would go on in my head.

I have a work lunch today. I am not worried about LC food although it is at an Italian joint in Little Italy. I can get a sandwich like sausage and peppers or something or a salad. I am worried, because I just ate seeds this morning and I am not hungry anymore, but I will look “weird” not eating. I think I will take a couple of bites and then tell the waiter to pack it up and then tomorrow I will eat it at work when I get hungry and forego the seeds as part of the weaning off process. I know…who plans this much? I do I guess.

So right now IE is the WOE. DH and I just booked a 5 day trip to Paris for mid-May, I think IE will be easier to manage that IF…although with the EURO/Dollar rate the way it is…IF would definitely be easier on our wallets. For me, the mindset with IE is go with the flow, whereas IF is requires more focus and discipline that I can muster right now. Again, the bottom line is to “honor my hunger”.

[momov2boys]

Originally Posted by steady

Again, the bottom line is to “honor my hunger”.

Exactly.
Honor your hunger without guilt!!!

Steady, I can understand you and relate to your posts.
I have been where you are.

"Numb" is no way to live and I know that, first hand.

IE is a great way to find peace with yourself and freedom from the obsession with foods.

I would also strongly urge you to read The Rules of "Normal" Eating, by Karen Koeing.

It is phenomenal!

[steady]

Having too much food around makes me anxious. I want it to “go away” without throwing it away, but that means I have to “deal with it” -- ie see it and try to resist it. In order to get it off my mind and to relieve the anxiety, I often feel the need to make it go away as quickly as possible. I often freeze stuff, but the freezer is stuffed to the brim which overwhelms me too. There are a couple of other ways to make the food go away: 1) I eat 2) force it onto others--like DH, or 3) throw it away. Throwing out food is NOT something I can do…NOT an option…it makes me feel bad (I know…I know). Giving it to DH or someone else--well, often they don’t want or it is not appropriate food to give away to someone, like leftovers. So that leaves me to eating it. To tell you the truth, I some how feel relieved and almost accomplished immediately after eating it. After all, it did not go to waste, but later, I regret it because I didn’t eating it out of hunger for it or in the end I really did wasted it anyway…the food did not serve its primary purpose…to feed hunger.

I am a supermarket bargain junkie, particularly with meats and veggies. I love grocery shopping, but I overwhelm myself with buying too much food. I have to stop, but I love to cook. In addition, living in NYC you have to go shopping on a daily basis because storage space is tight. Another problem is that dinner plans often suddenly come up and that throws everything off my well intended food plan (defrosting meat and fresh veggies that must be cooked before they spoil). Well my freezer, fridge, and pantry is stocked and rather than going to the grocery store every day I have to start using the stuff I already have. I am going to try and resist grocery shopping to two times a week---possibly, Tuesday and Friday (when the new sales start) and to only purchasing items that are necessary to reduce the foods stock I have. Besides, in two weeks I am going to France…I have to start getting rid of what is in the fridge now…that is how bad it is. So shameful on many levels…I just can’t resist buying beautiful in-season veggies and meat that is on sale.

[steady]

Wow lots of eating this weekend.!

Friday night we had 9:30 pm dinner reservations at Megu. Our bill came out to $1400 for 6 people. YIKES!!! but it was work the $500 DH and I shelled out---not alot of food but very well prepared Japanese. The liquor is what cost so much--1 bottle of saki, 2 bottles of wine, a couple bottles of Belgium beer. We shared everything. I stayed as low carb as possible without missing out on trying things. However, I was a little too loose at the end...I didn't order any dessert of my own, but I had bites of everything...it is probably the most "off plan" I've went since starting low carb. I will admit it did taste good, but no cravings...just guilt and mild regret. I felt fat the next morning. It might be in my head it might be very real weight gain. However, I will say I think the "extra" carbs seem to give me energy/the extra "umph" to go run. I ran 4.5 mile...I have not ran in about 6 months I think that was a decent distance. Hopefully, I burned off the carbs and no damage was done, but deep down I feel "fat" still.

Actually most of Saturday I wasn't hungry. I just had an coffee, egg, and some asparagus soup in the day. At night, DH and I went to Nobu for a 1/2 glass of wine and 2 pcs sashimi, DH had 2 pcs sashimi and one rolls, the other 1/2 glass of wine and a beer. All for $60 bucks. Yikes again. We then met up at Mai House for dinner---the chef was on Bravo's Top Chef for a birthday party. The food was good, but with 16 people it was difficult to eat till full---we had the dishes served family style. Everyone was being polite- not one dish was finished but I know no one was full. So you know what? I finally said if "you aren't going to eat it I will". I had a beef salad (it was a bit sweet it had pineapple and grapefruit in it...oh well), I had a lamb sausage patty, a couple of thin slices of skirt steak, fried green beens, 3 thin slices of duck bread, and 2 glasses of wine. Eating a bit of this and never leaves me satisfied and I actually end up eating more than I would have had I had ordered my own meal. I HATE THAT!!! To add more insult, everyone was watching me "polish" off the dishes and making stupid comments "she is so little but she can eat so much!. Ok... I already am self-conscious about what and how much I eat and this always makes it worse....I am embarrassed. To be honest, I really could have eaten more...which is why I feel like there is something wrong with me.
Needless to say I felt guilty this morning and ran again...not a good habit to get into. Trying to run off bad eating is not a healthy habit, but the good part is that it got me back in the gym.

I am trying to just eat intuitively. I don't think I surpassed 7 on the hunger scale, but I sort of regret my careless eating in terms of LC. However, I really didn't want to miss out on all the special places we ate this weekend. After all I am trying build a sustainable way of eating, and dining out is the "thing" that DH and our friends like to do. It is very NYC. I do love it, just don't know if I can hold a good balance.

[steady]

How f*cked up is this? DH is going to Vegas for a conference over the weekend. I am fighting a huge desire to binge. I've sorted of have been planning it in my head...really quite f*cked up. You know the underlying reason I feel bingey??? Opportunity and the extra kicker... TOM. I feel like I won't have a chance again or atleast for a while, especially since I am concentrating on IE and doing fairly well. Anyway, I have the whole weekend to myself...free to do "nothing"...free to just let loose and be greedy with me time. I use to binge as a means of unwinding...and I feel like this weekend I get to unwind....don't want to miss out. I don't know how to unwind otherwise.... yes i already plan to do my nails, have a bubble bath etc. but still have "time" binge. But here is the fork in the road. I could stick to IE and NOT partake in a blowout binge which would be a HUGE accomplishment since I think I have taken every opportunity in the last 2-3 years to binge or I could go through with the binge and move on...it will be a while before I have opportunity like this again anyway. I can't believe I think like this. I am planning a binge as if it is some sort of entertainment or reward. I hope this feeling subsides...because right now it is consuming my every thought...I just want to eat myself into that zone!!!

I don't get it.

[steady]

My recent thoughts--
I love IE for its practicality. It just makes sense...no gimmicks..no fads. Eat when hungry and stop when satisfied...that is it. Now why is it so "hard"? My theory- I think I have over developed my ability to reason which overshadows my ability to use human instinct. I overanalyze every detail of my life...food/eating is just one of many areas of my life. Again I have to remind myself that May "theme" is KISS with regard to diet and hopefully it will expand to the rest of my life.
I think the real KISS test will come in France. What to eat? When to eat? The foodie in me wants just a bite of a pastry and a sample of a baguette, but the LCer in me is worried about triggering cravings and eating refined carbs...as these are were my major triggers that I have finally over come thru LCing. All these thoughts cause anxiety which distract from honing in on instinctual hunger, but also distract from the pleasurable experience that food can bring. Ugh...I am just going to try and actually be in the moment and try not to think ahead or in retrospect. Traveling had always been a challenge to me---too much adventure and free wheeling for this control freak! I have got to loosen up, enjoy life, and just go with the flow. IE is part of that process---it is sort of like going with the flow of hunger--don't fight it when it comes and don't force when it isn't there.

[momov2boys]

Originally Posted by steady

I have got to loosen up, enjoy life, and just go with the flow.
IE is part of that process---it is sort of like going with the flow of hunger--don't fight it when it comes and don't force when it isn't there.

Exactly!

I am proud of you, Steady.

Great progress!!!

[steady]

Paris was beautiful. I love the way the Parisians live. They enjoy their café au lait, stroll into work around 10 am, enjoy a baguette with a little meat, cheese, and tomato for lunch, and meet up for a drink after work. What a great way to live life!

Also I always hear about it but it is so true! French women really do enjoy their meals. It is etched in my mind now, but I observe a couple of girls having dinner…the one girl got this stir-fried rice dish and it was obvious she really liked it. She even closed her eyes as she savored every bite. What was even more surprising was that she didn’t finish the dish. This is best real world example of IE…this is what I aspire to do.

I was also proud of myself. I have no regrets about what and how I ate in Paris. I balanced both the LCer and foodie in me. I did sample baguettes, croissants, crepes, and macaroons, but never went ‘crazy”. I also had plenty of gruyere, duck, foie gras, beef, ham, and even tried escargot and frog legs. My Paris vacation helped me regain my confidence in my ability to eat intuitively.

With all that said, I find I do best (avoiding binges) eating one large meal a day. I like eating whatever I want, I don’t feel guilty (a binge trigger), and more importantly I like feeling the satisfaction of a good hearty meal. The real difficult part is integrating this eating style into my life without others being “concerned” when they see I am not eating when everyone else is. I know I should not let it bother me, but it does because I hate drawing attention.

[steady]

I view myself as a “softy” and in constant need of a good ass kicking. It takes constant self-discipline for me to tackle every challenge in my life. I approach life like a military battle. I clearly define my mission, plan the attack, go into action, reassess, and then plug away until my mission is accomplished. This approach has worked successfully and rather quickly for me in other aspects of my life. I work at something, succeed and then move on, but why doesn’t this work with respect to diet/eating? The act of “battling” with respect to eating/diet is conquering me. I must make peace with myself…it is so hard. I know no other way to achieve a goal…is there any other way to achieve a goal. Does eating (for me) require a methodical approach or am I just driving myself batty for no reason at all?

ALL I WANT IS SIMPLE BALANCE- no regrets, no extremes. How hard is that? It seems like the best approach to eating is no action plan---not to do anything…just go with it, but I feel so out of control…like I am indulging the deepest, baddest desires and that I can’t eat like way forever…so then last supper mentality kicks in, then the guilt for eating “recklessly”, and then diet mentality kicks in because it is the only way I know how to get my eating “under control”. HOW DO I STOP THE MADNESS? Susan Powter’s where are you?

I must be bored with my life and therefore need a challenge…and that challenge has manifested itself in a continual cycle of a self-sabotaging diet. Maybe I subconsciously don’t want to win this battle…because it give me to do.

For there to be peace in my head, I need to be “satisfied” with other aspects of my life. On the surface everything is “good”, but may I am not fulfilling my deepest desires in life. What are those desires? I never dig that deep…it hurts too much to admit that I may “need” or “want” anything, especially when I “think” I desire balance and simplicity.
The battle in my brain is really the instinct (needs, wants, desire) vs. intellect (rational, practical, discipline). It sure is messy…

[steady]

I was going to post this in response to Ms. Sparky's thread, "How much protein is too much?" But I realize I went too far off the topic and way too into my own personal view...which I've been thinking about since reading all the hoopla about Dr. Eades blog. Personally, the "science" I did not know, but I always felt that calories do count...so Eades is not really saying anything new or shocking to me. I do find it odd that people feel like this is news and take his and other "experts" words as gospel...whatever. But anyway, I interpret his recent blog to indirectly support the way I do eat. In recent months, I felt like I was eating too much protein and even started a thread on it, but I didn't get the responses I was looking for. However, I realize this whole journey is about "ME" and what works for "ME". I know that listening and adhering too close to "expert" advice only results in distracting me from understanding and learning about my own unique bodily functions.

I am in maintenance. From the standpoint that according to some diet, I will probably be having "too much" of something whether it be carbs, calories, fat, or protein. I choose to have too much protein and keep everything else reasonable. Yes excess protein will likely turn to glucose, but since I am not trying to lose weight...isn't that OK? For me, too many carbs definitely set off my triggers, and, frankly, I am addicted to eating fat and can binge on that too which could result in too many calories which will result in weight gain. So for me--if I am going to overeat some macronutrient...I choose too much protein. That doesn't mean I am going to eat lean meats, but it also doesn't mean I am going to intentionally keep or add excess fat either---I will just keep the fat to what is necessary to make it taste good.

Damn! I know better than to be convinced that I am not eating the "right" way or ratio. That is what has always gotten me into weight trouble. The only way out of trouble is to listen to what my body want.

[momov2boys]

Originally Posted by steady

The only way out of trouble is to listen to what my body wants.

[steady]

I am very open on this board about struggles with bingeing. I think may be too open...I feel like come off like freak. Although mildly painful, I posted after reading the "How did you get so out of control?" thread. It is comforting to know I am not the only one who has behaved this way, but it doesn't change the fact that I still struggle with bingeing. In stress filled times or when there is "opportunity", I somehow justify that a binge fest now will prevent a binge streak later. What kind of logic is that? No logic.

IE is my long-term goal, but it does require some rationalization in the short term. Anyway, my whole style of eating right now is to eat LC and to "manage and avoid" binges and triggers, like nuts and fresh cheeses. I will eat when hungry, but attempt to follow intermittent fasting most days.

Carbs are no longer tempting and my problem isn't eating LC, my problem is emotional eating/bingeing. When I succomb to a binge, I don't even crave a particular food ... it could be fat, protein, carbs...LC food is just the medium I use to vent and numb feelings with. However, when I do binge I throw my blood sugar out of whack just from the carb load from the quantity of food. Once my blood sugar is out of control it is hard to return to normal eating because the hunger signal are so strong that I overeat to settle it. Then I restrict, binge again, and then repeat.

I recently have come to realize the binge monster will never leave my side. Admitting I have a problem that I can't "fix and move on" is very difficult for this problem solver... it is hard because in a weak moment the reward of fighting off a binge doesn't feel as satisfying as indulging in a binge.

I am resilient and I will keep up the fight.

[NewYorkGiants32]

Great journal! I can very much relate...especially to planning binges.

[healed01]

Hi Steady! thanks for connecting me to your journal...wow...talk about twin mentality ..as I was reading your first entries..I thought this is me. Well not that I want us to rejoice about our obsession however I feel the support that there are others out there and we can communicate to get to a healthy place mentally, spiritually and physically. I hope you had a great weekend.

[steady]

Ok at the timely prompting of LCF member post, I declared my addiction to sunflower seeds to the entire LCF forum. I am embarrassed that something as simple as a sunflower seed can have such great control over me, but it has and I am ready to do something about it.

Again my overall eating goal- is to intuitively eat. To get to that point- I use IF to "teach" me true hunger and evaluate my progress by maintaining a consistent weight- not falling into the deprivation cycle of bingeing and restricting. When eating seeds- I am NOT eating intuitively.

Furthermore, it is evident that I am having trouble because I shyed away from my journal (always a bad sign) because I have been in denial of this problem. The seeds have replaced meals, pushed out more nutritious foods, and revived a bad habit of mindless eating. Overall-I like to be in control and more over I don't like food having control over me. So, I am giving up the seeds.

I know I am more successful going cold turkey, but I hate, repeat HATE, wasting food. So give it to the birds you suggest? Well they are salted and I haven't seen any birds on Wall St.... Besides I don't want to start a pigeon problem for our beautiful apartment building. Sheesh...the seeds are cheap...yet I still have a problem throwing them out. I obviously need help.

I checked my weight again...I really try not to, but I noticed on my own I was losing weight...I just needed to confirm my suspicions...I am 86 lbs with clothes on. OMG. I never dreamed gaining/maintaining weight would be a struggle as I had a life long struggle with losing weight. If it is not one problem it is another...

To be honest...my outlook regarding weight is that I am destined and WILL eventually become fat...it is just a matter for time. So for now, I am *trying* to enjoy my slim body while I have it. That said, 86 lbs is too low. DH asked me if I check my weigh, because he noticed the weightloss too. I fessed my weight to him. He blames the seeds for ruining my appetite. He is pushing for me to gain atleast 10lbs, preferably to 100lb like when he met me -10 years AGO!!!! At 100lbs I had many more hangups about my body image and was obsess moreso with food/diet (is that really possible---at that time lf/veg).

Holding at 88lbs for several months was evidence that I was at a good point mentally, physically, and emotionally- I "liked" (not love) my body, had less (I didn't say none-that is obvious in this journal) food issues, and optimal health (measured by blood test & physical).

So Day 1 is today-
No nuts, no sunflower seeds, no pumpkin seed. Oh sh*t---that seems so harsh...mindless munching was my escape from reality (not that reality is so bad) but it was the way I treated myself after making it through stressful events. IFing was the only way I got off the munching habit. I don't want to allow an alternative because that just extends the habit rather than squashing it. I know this too well because to get off the nut habit I transition to pumpkin seeds, and then onto sunflower seeds. Well the habit and cravings are what remain.

I am not religious, but right now all I can think is "God, help me."
Again, subconsciously, I think I create my own problems, blow up my problems just so I have something to do. I need to get a life, a real life, but first I have to get beyond this nuisance of a habit.

[steady]

Yesterday was very successful. I am proud of myself...I didn't have any food issues. Belly and brain agreed on hunger and cravings were non-existant, and NO seeds or nuts. I also had a successful IF day--one huge meal of leg of lamb and greek salad. So satisfying---I really missed the satisfaction almost high I feel when I break fast and I don't feel guilty when I am full.

DH and I saw Get Smart---it was hilarious but over the top at points. Then met up with friends for drinks. Got home at 2:00 am put DH to bed---he drank WAY TOO much. Actually he was a little billigerent-- not enough food and too much wine. I was awake and needed to unwind so I got on LCF---usually a time suseptable to mindless munching - but I didn't...Woohoo!

Day 2- plan
11-1 pm- I am going to get on my hands and knees and scrub the floor.
1 pm-1:30 make lunch for DH.- We will see how hungry I am.
1:30-2:30 Clean kitchen
2:30-3:00 Clean bathroom
3:00-3:30 Dust
3:30-4:30 Shower
4:30-9:00 Farewell party-- ughh pizza party--maybe I should eat beforehand. Since I am IFing--the flood gates may open and I may just eat too many pizza tops. Cheese is a trigger and its not worth the bang for its buck.
I am going to start going