Heather Shrinks in Houston!

[skeopple]

I wish you didn't have to deal with what Ron says to you. I realize and applaud how you break it down and accept it. God's path for us is not always the easiest; or one we would've chosen. How you do it is beyond me. I'm so happy to know you and call you "friend"! I also wish you had someone to talk to person-to-person when you have some important emotional sharing to do. When you need a confidante. I'm here to listen, and I love ya. But wish you could look someone in the face. Or have someone hold your hand and just LISTEN. I know you talk to God. That must be your 'confidante'.

Have a good rest of the evening, Heather. See ya tomorrow.

[Houston Heather]

Thank you Sharon!

I need to at least TRY with Ron - as my husband he "should" be my go-to guy for confiding... but...

I don't know if it's his own personal issues, the head injury, or what. I will say his actions often force me to share things here that I would NEVER share otherwise.

I do have to be careful in real life, because I did have an emotional affair. That story is funny now:
We had moved from CA to TX. I had a job. Ron did not. He had to live in Texas for 6 months before he could qualify for any job assistance.

He was very depressed. When I was awake, he slept. When I was asleep, he was awake. He saw me go to work everyday - a nice neutering every day!

He is hardwired to be the provider. I will say, he was on the best behavior, because he knew I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to leave him, and told him so, but he refused to accept it and moved with me. I said "Why don't I go first, and if it's OK, you can come out, too. I don't want you to lose your job or anything." Pretty slick, I thought. Then, 2000 miles away, I can tell him "Stay in CA it's over."

Like I said, he refused to accept that. I wasn't assertive enough to say it outright, but he knew I was unhappy and looking for an "out". Now in Texas, I could afford to support myself. I could pay all my own bills and lived right next to a grocery store and bus line. I enjoyed working for this agency, an agency found across the nation. Independent Living Centers. They were very understanding of my "disability".

So, I had a good thing going on job-wise, or so it appeared. Turns out my boss was a horrible, scary, drama queen control freak. The office has a running bet on how long each secretary would last. I knew none of this.

So, poor unmedicated Heather moved into the Lion's mouth. Ron was fairly understanding and made a passable attempt at being a nice guy. He would meet me at the bus stop and walk me home, for instance, once I taught him the route to and from the bus stop.

[I know the lithium is working, I just misspelled from.]

I mentioned this at work, along with the fact that he was going to Kroger and bringing me breakfast every morning. I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, I KNEW on a basic level what he had done and hated him for it. I hated him for years of emotional abuse. On the other, I was touched that he was trying so hard to "win" me back.

My boss began making me work overtime unexpectedly, and had a vigorous no-personal-calls policy at work. So, Ron would be stood up more often than not, waiting on me. It was a big strain. We counteracted that by bringing my ham radio to work (a handheld) and using that to contact him the minute I left. If I was late, he'd just stay home, if not, he'd meet me. Maybe we'd grab a burger.

I'll call him "Kevin". He was a guy with a disability. Came in a LOT. College level, only taking a few classes to finish his degree. He was very personable, liked me a LOT.

I really enjoyed the attention. Here was this guy actively interested in me. He didn't like Ron, and Ron hated him. Ron called him "Bushy" because he had long hair. Once or twice, Ron came in and it was like 2 cats meeting. You could see the hackles go up on each of them. I could almost hear Ron growling and hissing. "He wants you, Heather, I can tell." "Oh, don't be silly, he's just a friend."

I had TWO men! Wow! How flattering! I forgot the part of the Bible where it says "Flee from Temptation!" I started comparing.

I could talk to Kevin all day long as long as I did my job, and I did both. People started raising eyebrows when he came in every day. He asked for my number, I gave it to him. One night Ron woke up and heard me giggling on the phone. Boy, that was a fight!

I thought Ron was being a hypocrite. Look where his "Only work friends" had led him. I was having a chaste freindship. K started asking me "Why are you with him?" and I confided I had wanted him to stay in CA. Getting pretty personal. I felt like I could tell Kevin just about anything.

We went to visit him one day. He bragged about how he had his ex girlfriend install some backdoor software on her work computer so he could hack their system. I thought that was extremely uncool. He also was very into Napster, and I always had the opinion that if the artist wanted me to get it for free, they'd give it to me. Unless the artist offered a free download (Amazon does that a lot), I didn't think you should take it. All goes to that pesky commandment about "Not Stealing".

So, a couple of red flags. Then, Kevin came right out and said it: "I have a condo, Heather. What does Ron have? A social security check. My condo has 2 bedrooms, you can move in, get away from him... " I was very tempted. Kevin was clever enough not to bring up sex, because he figured accurately that once I moved in I'd sleep with him.

God and I weren't very "tight" at this point. I felt very deceived by both God and Ron. I had moved to Texas for a better life and my boss was a harridan, Ron and I were fighting a lot, and I wanted to end it all by moving in with Kevin.

"OK, God, I'm turning it over to you. Show me Your will. I need a very obvious sign - something I can't miss. I am afraid of doing the wrong thing. Ron and I are just shacking up. Do You really want him in my life? He won't even marry me! Do you want me to live alone? Live with Kevin? Show me your will."

That day, at work, my boss completely unloaded on me. Why? I had left my monitor on when I left for the day. She said she had been keeping a log of my "misdeeds" - like leaving at 4:59, etc. I realized she was completely insane.

I went home and cried all over Ron, I've ruined both our lives. "Heather," he said. "I love you. We're here now. I want you to get another job. Even if she fires you, we still have my check. It will cover the bills. I'm tired of watching her abuse you anyway!"

I was shocked. After everything, he was still backing me up? After some incredibly bad interviews, I finally got a job at a restaurant. I am a terrible waitress. But I did learn quite a bit about foodservice, which I needed. We barely made enough to eat... but I had my answer. God could see the good in Ron, and He made it obvious I had to get out of that situation with Kevin my flipping my boss out.

So, leery of confidantes!

If nothing else () I hope people can walk away from my blog saying, "Well, things suck but at least I don't have it THAT bad!"

I am feeling better, but boy, it can be a battle at times! I got 3 lithium today, and the good old anti-flying-saucer pill. It was interesting, how when I shared that - I finally actually saw a couple of people "Get it" about my illness. That I do have a very serious and severe mental illness. I seem so normal! My blessing, and my curse!

[skeopple]

Nighty night, friend

[Houston Heather]

Well, we went to work. Zelda is retiring. The Post Office offered early retirement to a lot of people, and about 100 took it. Can't blame em! "Take the Money and Run!" whoo-whoo-whoo.

The ride home was AWKWARD. Look, it's Monday's driver! The one who... yeah. That guy. A very stiff and awkward ride home.

I only said 2 things:
"I'll get Ron in the cab."
"Thank you." when I got out. That's it.

For me, that's the SILENT treatment!

Does anyone else sing songs in their head? I do. I kept singing "I hate myself for loving you" "Take the money and run", etc. I was having a good time. Not a peep, but I entertrained myself well.

I thought about getting out the knitting, but thought he'd probably try to forbid THAT, too.

[Houston Heather]

A nice ride to and from Burger King, but I swear, the real treat these days is riding the BUS! We rode with a very irritable client, she thinks she is nice but isn't. She wanted ME to give directions to HER house?

Um, YOU live there. You.

I made a generalized statement "I think we hang a left here... but it's your place so you should give directions."

CUCKOO! CUCKOO! I'm not the only one! At any rate, I gave her a Bible. "Oh, great" (sarcasm). You'd have thought I gave her a dead rat.

Anyway, mood is OK. A little gloomy but it's raining. I am looking at curtains online, looking at my old things in the window, and thinking "Your days are numbered" - if I can find something cute and affordable. I am not willing to spend more than about $25 on curtains for this room.

[Houston Heather]

Zer was right.

Remember how she was always encouraging me to try chewing some raw ginger root? I thought it was too wierd. I didn't tell her that, but I declined to try it.

Come dinnertime, miserably sick to my stomach. On a 1-10, it was a good 7. I wasn't sweating or heaving but it wasn't far off.

I saw a ginger root in my little "root cellar" and her words came to mind, how much she swore it helped her. I was desperate enough to try. It worked great! And very rapidly, too. Good thing, I had to get my lithium!

It lasted for a good couple hours. The good news, being that I'm a Christian I know she is laughing her butt off in Heaven, saying "I TOLD you, Heather!".

I just wish I'd been able to tell her in person.

I hope you all know how much I love you. ALL of you.

[skeopple]

............funny you should mention her today. I was kinda automatically looking for her online..............

Love you too, Heather!

[Houston Heather]

Yeah.

Well, I just got up from an awesome nap with Mr Snugglycat. Why so affectionate, Bubba? Mommy got him several cans of his favorite ever cat food, Tender Beef Feast. I even got him the foam plates. I dish it up on the plate, place it in front of "Master", and watch him devour his num-nums. After I lay down for a nap, I was rewarded with Him curling up on my foot, in bed. He's still there.

Not enough sleep. I was up late fixing up Bibles for work. I don't keep track of how many I've given out, seems kind of vain. God's watching me, He knows, so I let Him keep track. Anyway, I fixed up over 20, but it had me up late.

I got up and had a nice driver to work. I ate my usual breakfast, microwaved precooked sausage patty. We rode around a bit, and then into work. I put out the Bibles and saw at least one person take one off the stack. I had a mouthful of beef stick, but I intercepted Ron before he bumped into her, in his wheelchair. She was very interested in the inserts I had stayed up putting into the book (a tract, another tract on how to read the Bible in a year (4 chapters a day), a handwritten note, a bookmark).

I'm glad I did it anonymously. I don't think I'd have had as many takers, otherwise.

Anyway, I did lots of work for Ron. For once, I didn't have to throw away a single, expired, sandwich! I did the meter readings (tells Ron our total sales), and the pull.

Sales are up. Not hugely, but good. It was one of those weeks where I don't feel guilty for drawing a salary. A good amount of stocking because they are buying... thank God.

Today was a lot of people's last day - they were offered early retirement and many took it. They had huge grins as they walked out the door. I'm selfish, I'll miss 'em. We lost at least 1/10 of the population, and maybe another 1/10 have been reassigned, maybe to other locations.

Being the good Christian that I am, I told Ron "Let's pray they were all the brown baggers, who never bought anything anyway!"

Finally, time to go. Yay. We went to the bank, actually a good trip, and a nice driver.

They got it all counted up and put away "right quick". I never seem to get the same teller twice, but they are honest. I got my pay, and Ron said don't pay him for the sofa. He was so impressed with my fixup of the room he wanted to give the sofa to me as a gift.

I thought that was excellent.

Off to Walmart. 2 hours of Walmart. Yes, there is such a thing as too much Walmart. UUUGH.

I had just eaten the sausage and a few beef sticks at work. I wasn't hungry. The sit and shop wheelchair was broken, and only fit for use as a wheelchair.

Ron got beer, V-8, Tylenol, and his prescription. I got some backup candy (we have a big bear in the room, it's going to be pleasant weather, and it's a weekend!). If I don't hand out the backup candy, I will make up driver candy for the drivers, with tracts. I think a little baggie with a nice tract "You're Special", and some candy sounds delightful.

Speaking of tracts, I am completely OUT. I don't even have a 10 commandments bookmark!

Back to Walmart, I was too cheap to get the curtains. I'm fine in the clothes department. I did get some whipped cream, more sausage patties, and a 6 pack of Diet Dr Peppers. Pretty much it .

As we were checking out, Ron said "You sound funny - almost drunk." Oops. I looked at my hands, not shaking, so I was hypoglycemic. If I get toxic from lithium, I would sound drunk, but I would be very shaky too. Like, unable to type, and literally falling down.

Anyway, we got checked out. I went to Mc Donalds and got some food for us both, and a burger for the driver.

Who turned out to be a Muslim lady. She accepted it but it's not "Halal" so really not supposed to eat it! She was very kind. I hope I'm as good a Christian, as she was Muslim, if that makes sense. It was a nice ride.

Then I came home, (almost 4 by now) and took a nice nap with Bubba.

[Houston Heather]

Oh, toxic. Very queasy, some cramps.

Miserable. Good news, drink as much as I can and flush that stuff out!

NOT taking my pills tonight

[skeopple]

Hope and pray you are feeling better, Heather.

Love and hugs.

[Houston Heather]

Better today, still kind of queasy.

I was walking to a bus stop, thinking "Most" people don't walk around queasy any percentage of the time. Odd. I can't really recall a time when that applied to me! When I got depressed, always with the nausea!

A fun day:

Got up early. Ron got me to Starbucks. I got him the pastry he likes, and one for the driver (huge hit!). We each got a drink. Metro was late picking us up, but that's OK. We were having a pretty good time talking. I got Ron loaded into the cab, when she came, and they rode off. He got home fast.

I walked over to the gas station. Remember the guy who got all buggy on me when I gave him the Bible? Well, he was eager to see me go this time but he seemed to find me amusing. OK.

I like to make a little joke at the gas stations, when I put my soda on the counter, I say I'm filling my tank.

Anyway, no one yelled at me today. Everyone who got a Bible said thank you and smiled. That's nice.

I rode straight to the thrift store, and got more romance novels! I now have a stash of over 100, so I must have gotten about 30-40 today. I also found out these guys do PICKUPS! I already have two boxes all ready to go. Yay!

I felt like an artist, cramming 40-some paperbacks into my backpack. I had to take out all the "evangelism" (tracts, English Bibles, Spanish Bibles, and my own personal bible in it's trusty ziplock). I put them in one of my extra totes - made it easy to hand them out!

I staggered out, laden with a loaded backpack, and 2 totes. Long wait at the bus. It was actually the same driver who'd dropped me. His meter was broken so I got 2 free rides.

Then, I went to the craft store. I didn't get much, just some plastic double pointed knitting needles. I accept I will probably never find the (fifth one in the set) size 8 bamboo needle. I forgive myself. Now that I've done that, I'll probably find it.

I wanted to go to the used bookstore but they were CLOSED. Remodel. UGH.

Feeling a little wierd, maybe I'm hungry. I went to the McDonalds, seeing it as the best option but not too excited. However, when I ordered the chicken salad, paid for an extra chicken breast, they got it. I had 2 cut up chicken breasts on the salad, exactly what I WANTED. Nice. I enjoyed it.

I went to the linen store and decided NO I did not need ANOTHER blanket. If I change my mind, they aren't going anywhere. I decided to check out the import store. I love incense, and I'm having a hard time finding ANY, much less some good quality stuff.

Not only did they have incense, they had CHAI TEA. I got 160 total teabags for the cost of 72 "grocery store" chai teas. Wonderful incense, long lasting, excellent fragrance, I'll be back.

Off to the Christian Bookstore. I, and my "kind", have not only bought every single ESV Evangelism New Testament, we have cleaned out the WAREHOUSE. They have NOTHING. Good thing I have that online place, a little pricier BUT..... they deliver it to my doorstep. I'd pay the extra 22 cents a Bible just for that!

I did get some tracts, and gave them my number. God has plans, I just need to keep my eyes open. Maybe we'll be hitting a lull for a bit?

That is the lightest I have ever walked out of that place, not one box! Just the 2 bags, and the backpack. I caught 3 buses home.

I got some glow bracelets, the kind you have to snap and shake, then they glow for hours? 15 for a dollar.

I'll state the obvious. My husband got hit by a car while he was crossing at a light. He had the light. I am loving something safety-minded like a glowing bracelet for a child on Halloween.

Next year, more. I do have 15 to hand out.

I loaded ALL the new books onto the bookcase, I moved my biographies to a higher shelf, making room for the romance novels about 4 feet off the floor. It's a good spot. I got rid of a couple dozen books.

I'm just waiting on the kids now. It was a BEAUTIFUL day - just about 70, clear, mild, warm and sunny. The kind of day I imagine they have in Heaven. I was glad I went out.

I still have a good chunk of cash. I'm really happy I hit that import store. I love the incense. They have things like 4-in-1 that has 4 scents, each in it's own bag. Nice for people who like variety.

More later!

[Houston Heather]

Pretty quiet tonight. I only handed out about 70 or so baggies of candy.

A good line:

"Oh, I remember YOU!" - kid, on seeing the bear

I've got the lights on, we'll see if I get more action.

My settings got screwed up, I have VERY LARGE fonts... so I need to fix it. Got it. Wow, that was so big, I could have read it with my glasses off!

[Snowman]

Glad you had a good day today! I think you have a good sense of humor, Heather! THANKS for the chuckle..."filling your tank!"

We had about 70 kids tonight too, used to have 125! It was only about 50 degrees here though. My leftover candy is going to work with DH or DD on Monday, I have to get it out of my sight!! What a great idea with the glow bracelets, never thought of that!!

I bet everyday in Heaven will be beautiful!

[Houston Heather]

Oh, yeah.

I figured, if a completely sober person can run over a full grown adult at an intersection by running a red light... little kids.

Another glorious day. Pretty queasy. I'm heading out to Foodtown, I'll take a cab home.

Kind of funny, I was replenishing my evangelism Bibles in the backpack. I put a few Spanish ones, then thought I'm going to Foodtown! and got more!

Bubba-cat just came prancing in. He says Hello.

Ron's all wrapped up in his feather/down comforter (a gift from me years ago) looking like a giant burrito with a head sticking out! Pretty funny.

Ron enjoys my humor now - he says the medication lets the "real me" come out better. Nice to know, especially when I'm queasy again.

I imagine one day it will just be a fact of life. But, I meant to tell y'all about this yesterday: yesterday I was getting ready to take my medicine.

Feeling a little resentful about it. I know I will get nauseous. I know I'll get a little dimmer.

Then, I remembered the Bad Time between getting diagnosed, and getting medicated. 2 months. Totally crazy out of my gourd, couldn't sleep, swinging from hideous depressions to horrifying manias. I couldn't think.

I read all I could about bipolar and begged God for the day when I could get medicated. The right medication. Turn off the noise in my head!

It was so awful walking around, seeing something out of the corner of my eye. But DID I, or was I hallucinating? Feeling like I had a whole partyful of cranked up little kids going YIPPEEE in my head at the same time I kept telling myself "No, I can't kill myself" as I battled a tremendous urge to just END IT ALL.

Yeah. That's why God let my illness get so bad, so I could REMIND myself WHY I take my pills. Days like today when I was happy enough to take it, but more than a little bitter and resentful that I have to pay a price tag to manage my illness.

But I am. Managing my illness. What would I do if I had cancer? What would I ENDURE? I'd be happy to have my hair fall out, puke all day, horrible digestive issues, weakness, losing weight... to manage it.

Well, bipolar disorder has at LEAST a 10% mortality rate. One out of ten of us dies. Some cancers have a 5% mortality rate.

Pretty easy to figure that one out!

[Houston Heather]

I cannot believe my freaking life. Can't believe it.

I'm going to rant for a bit: Why do I have to carry all that I do? It's not FAIR. Dad always said "Life isn't fair" and it isn't.

So, why am I crying my eyes out into a purple and teal bandana, so angry I'm fogging up my glasses in the house, and cranking my gospel rap?

Part of it is Ron, but not much, maybe 20%. He sure ain't my confidante today.

EVERYWHERE I go, I carry my tote bag and backpack. EVERYWHERE. Everywhere I go, this isn't a problem. Everywhere I go, my backpack and money are welcomed. If I go somewhere for the first time, they may say "You have to leave your bag at the register", referring to the tote bag. I don't mind that.

OK, in Ron's defense I just came in and said "I'm sorry" - I told him I was very hurt because I felt like he was kicking me when I was down.

Anyway, they may want me to leave my tote bag, but not my backpack. I don't even know why I'm so upset, but I can't stop crying (and yes I took my pills).

If they ask me to leave it, it's behind the counter, somewhere safe and private.

Today, at Foodtown, I was ordered by some martinet to leave both backpack and tote bag in a filthy public area near the shopping carts. A wierd homeless guy was sitting about 10 feet away. I refused. Why? They don't make parents leave their diaper bags. No one had left their purses, strollers, or other bags.

I said, I have my PERSONAL things in the backpack. I will wear it like I ALWAYS do. I don't steal, but if you want someone to follow me around, fine. I know you will have a security camera on me, and that's fine, but I'm not leaving my bag there.

He said, you will if you want to shop here. The manager heard everything...he was basically 8 feet away.

I took my money out of my pocket and held it up as I spoke to the manager: "You are losing this money, IF YOU CARE, because your employee is ordering me to leave my personal items in a dirty public area. Everywhere I go lets me keep my backpack; I don't care if someone follows me around, or you put a camera on me, but I'm not leaving my backpack." He just stared at me with this stupid expression - like he had no brains.

I said "Do you want my money or not?" He shook his head, and I left. Unless God orders me, I will not be going back, ever.

I am furious. Fortunately this all happened less than 10 minutes after my drop off, so I caught the next bus. SO PISSED.

It was obvious to me that it was demonic persecution. They knew I had all the Bibles in my backpack. Why single out the backpack? IMO, it's no different from a purse. I do not fit the demographic of a shoplifter, and if they were that worried about me, why "let" me shop there for a year and then turn around and drop this on me?

So, what did Ron say that had me so upset? "If you could drive, you could have put your stuff in the trunk. They are used to 'car people'".

The funny thing is, even if I could drive, I STILL would have brought the backpack, because it had the Bibles I hand out!

I am really convinced it is due to the spiritual realm. I will be praying for the employees there - that is the best revenge I could get on the devil.

Now I need to pray on this and find a new store. I have a BAAAAD feeling God wants me to go to NMF grocery. They had an AWFUL store brand cheese, though, but they aren't buttheads about the backpack.

[Houston Heather]

So, I got to the other store.

All in all, I did end up witnessing to my cashier and giving her a Bible, which she eagerly took. Also the cab on the way home, not so eager, didn't feel a prompting to give him one.

I got in and started shopping - right as my sister called. Her job forced her to get a flu shot and she ended up in the HOSPITAL. That says all I need to know, even if I caught the flu and it killed me I wouldn't want the shot.

I told her about all the excitement. I was medicated enough that I couldn't really shop and talk. I talked to her for a while, then hung up and shopped. Pretty foggy, but I got heavy drink type things. A case of Powerade Zero, blue flavor. A lot of soda. Ron's favorite flavored bottled water. 2 quarts of excellent chicken stock. Etc. I ended up spending about $70! Yike! While the cashier and I were putting it all up - that's when I did the witnessing.

I ended up waiting an hour and a half on a cab. Sitting there outside, thinking "I'm glad I was born this way. Walking out of the store, getting into my car, and driving away - it's just an abstract concept. I have no idea what it's like."

I ate and took my lithium, so when the cab pulled up I greeted him with "My hero! Come to save me!" - all completely sincere. He ate it up; and gave me a business card. Would it do any good to unload on him? No, it would just make for an AWFUL ride home. As it was I did a little witnessing "The secret to my attitude..." gave him a $5 tip, and told him I was just grateful that God had given me enough money that I could afford a cab home.

Completely worn out. Wondering where all the money went... but all in all a good day. The cashier was definitely interested, I was glad to go through everything if it meant she got a Bible and a witness.

[Houston Heather]

I really want a dull routine. Hopefully, I'll get it today!

Got plenty of sleep, at least 9 hours, but woke up tired. Bubba-cat is snug and cozy in the bed. He really seems to enjoy having the bed, and is happy to let me sleep in it whenever I want. It makes me happy to see him so obviously content and spoiled.

I have a couple of requests for God today: A family member had a bad medical test, and needs follow up work done this week. I'm praying for accurate results. My sister has an interview for her "dream job" (psych nurse) at the VA. Praying for God's will on that one! She would love to do that.

Lastly, asking God for protection today for me and Ron, for nice trips (I don't care if they're long, as long as the driver is kind). I don't think I could take another ride with "Chuckles" the "raincoat driver" who got all buggy on me last week. Oh, yeah, and a stronger back to carry my burdens!

I have a great life, and I thank Him for that. But I feel like I could use a hand today.

[skeopple]

Praying for your needs today, Heather.

Love ya.

[Houston Heather]

I'm sitting here scratching my head and wondering what I "did" today. I did hand out a few bibles but a WIERD day.

I plan to explore the wonderful world of sausage for dinner, too. I had sausage for breakfast, sausage for lunch... Yum.

Woke up, still tired. Went to Sam's club because we needed the muffins, and while there I might as well grab a few candy bars for the machines. Did that.

No sausage at the deli, but they had a pizza baked. Ron and I each got a nice hot slice. I ate the top off mine - I assume I must have gotten a little crust. Ron ate his and looked pretty happy that he could ENJOY pizza.

Our ride came, put up all the junk riding to work. We pick up another client, a really nice older lady dressed ENTIRELY in purple. She mentions divorcing in the 50's. I turn around and stare at her. She appears to be Ron's age. I tell her, I thought you were born then.

She says, "No, honey, I'm 74!" WOW. I hope I look and feel that good! I told her that, too. All of a sudden, I feel like somekind of vicious insect has crawled into my bra and is biting my breast. I do some very awkward shifting around, then I get the same stabbing/burning/itching sensation on my face and realize - I'm erupting in HIVES. Thank God I carry benadryl. I took it immediately.

Ron said I was a big help at work, but I feel like I was "fair" useless. I was really groggy and all I wanted to do was sleep! I'm still a little itchy - I figure some bread must have come off the crust and been eaten with the topping. Just that little bit of wheat caused a major revolt!

Being me - not a job for a wimp! After work we came home and I went to bed. I slept 3 hours straight. Still tired, but I need to eat before I go to bed.

[Houston Heather]

Really tired.

I think I'll make myself some chai tea - no decaf, but leaded. Sooo tireeed. Besides, I will be wanting to take more benadryl before bedtime. I still feel uncomfortable from the hives. UGH.

Well, it'll certainly keep me on plan! If I ate a biscuit it would probably kill me!

I hope I get some appetite - I need to eat some sausage and veggies for dinner.

[Snowman]

Please, please Heather, don't eat any biscuits!!

WOW, good thing you carry benadryl!

I had sausage for breakfast today too and it was yummy! It was Jimmy Dean links, they are the best IMHO. I get them at Wal-Mart, try them sometime if you haven't.

Take care Heather!

[Houston Heather]

Nope, no biscuits for me. I still feel very prickly and took some more benadryl. That was maybe 1/2 t of "bread".

Really depressing but I'm glad I did it - I loaded a flash drive with a letter, last wishes, and favorite poems and music. Why?

Maybe I'm watching too much "Ghost Whisperer" I know after my Mother's death, God allowed her to visit me. She asked for my forgiveness. I could FEEL all the love she had for me, that she never would have EVER, EVER done something to damage me. It was very easy to say "You're forgiven" and mean it.

I hate the idea of unfinished business. Hate it.

It's probably irrelevant but I'm glad I did it.

Other than that, a nice quiet evening. God gave me enough clarity to do my Bible study at least. The whole rest of the day has passed in a rather pink fog.

[skeopple]

Pink fog. Pretty

Good thing you carry the benadryl!!! Think it was anything other than a little piece of bread?

I was helpin hubby in the poleshed from all afternoon until just a bit ago. I'm now covered with itchy, burny spots and lines. Probably a combined reaction to mouse nests and dust. Urgh.

Enjoy your evening. pink as it may be.....

hugs.

[Houston Heather]

Try some Benadryl!

I ate cheese, pepperoni, and salami for lunch and dinner. It was pepperoni pizza.

Or, who knows, it could have been something in the cab. But considering the hives came up on my chest, arms, and face I suspect food.

I'll be fine tomorrow, and sleep great tonight, that's what matters. Thank God it was nothing like the August incident. [shudder] I always try to use those horrible things as a benchmark - thank God I'm not THAT sick!

Let's see: Kidney infection in 1993. Extreme nausea - infection in my bloodstream, a week in the hospital.

Manic reaction to Compazine - pretty impressive. I had a month-long mania - couldn't sleep at all, and when I did I had extremely vivid nightmares. Probably the most mentally ill I have ever been in my life. Nothing since then has compared to that - 1998

Hives this August - couldn't sleep for more than an hour or two at a time. Taking Benadryl every 4 hours, horrible pain and itching. Now, I have mostly happy skin, every day of the week!

I try to look for the silver lining, regardless.

Me and my happy pink fog are off to bed.

[Houston Heather]

Busy day!

Got up, went to work, one food machine is dead. We had a "discussion" about an ethics question. I was very firm. Turns out, it was irrelavant! I really try to live by the Golden Rule if at all possible.

Work was pretty good, I had to stock the snack machines again, which made me happy. The power wierdness had every food machine in the building down all night, except one of ours. [avaricious hands rubbing together] Heee hee hee. It's not like we planned it, but that was a nice little gift from God. We sold about 20 sandwiches.

After work, Burger King. I had a really wierd driver. He seemed normal. He was singing along with the rap and all. I said, I wish I could plug in my Gospel Rap, I think you'd like it. He got all buggy and mumbled something, and then said "I like this music because I am on personal terms with every artist". OH BOY.

So, [raised eyebrow] our cab driver knows all the R&B and rap stars. He is on such good terms with them, he is driving around disabled people in a cab all day, working 12-14 hour days.

Well, "They" do say that about 1-2 people out of 100 have mental illness. I think our driver was a little DELUSIONAL. He was dead serious, that's what scared me. [blinking rapidly] I was very, very happy to get out of that cab. I was sorry I sat in the front seat!

What am I? Some kind of freak magnet?

I was so happy to get into Burger King. The ride home, for Ron, was a total disaster. He called a cab to take him home (worth the money). I realize I'm feeling gloomy and hopeless, and take a lithium 150. Good call.

I went to the good thrift store. Got a dozen more books! Happy to give them my money. By now I am feeling myself again. Really, really, thirsty though.

Then off to Walmart. I got 1 jar of mayo, 1 package cream cheese, 2 dozen eggs (they have good prices on organic cage free - $2 a dozen, I can afford that!), 2 pounds of cheese, and a big can of heavy whipping cream. Stuffed it all in my backpack, along with the 12 paperbacks, the dozen bibles, my personal bible...

No surprise when the zipper popped open right as the bus arrived. Thank God my eggs did not fall! I got on the bus, very crowded. Some pierced-face skinny artiste is hogging up 2 of the disabled seats. Who brings a toolbox, and a velvet blanket, onto the bus? Not wanting to HOLD them like normal people, she set them in the other seat. I can't maneuver my backpack into my lap to fix it without whacking her. I nudged her a few times, apologizing, but she just glared at me. OK. I sat there holding the two halves of my bag together. Finally, she got off. I took something out, and zipped it. It stayed.

I'm sorry, backpack. I stagger off and head off to the import store. Yay! I got some cardamom tea - if it's as good as the chai, yum, yum. I got some chai tea spice - you just add it to black tea. I have 100 decaf teabags + spice = decaf chai spice tea. It's a 4 ounce jar - it'll last quite a while.

I stagger back over to the bus stop, right as the bus pulls up. Yay! A good ride home. Boy, am I tired!

[Houston Heather]

Went to bed early last night. Probably do it again... after I take my pill.

I watched V. The actors are very good, special effects pretty awesome.

[skeopple]

Wishing great blessings for you today, Heather!

I'm up way too early, but slept well.

Hugs.

[Houston Heather]

I'm glad I went to bed early.

Ron is not keeping his promises about portion control and alcohol. Lots of loud mumbling and falling on the floor. At one point, he fell on the headphone cord and I was "treated" to Lifetime movie channel at full volume until I screamed at him to turn it off.

"Oh, sorry." Yes, he is very "Sorry" right now.

I never in a million years, thought I would marry an alcoholic. I am really praying about what God wants me to do.

Ron can "promise" all day long, but he doesn't keep them. Last night he was demanding I give him Benadryl, because his allergies were acting up. Had I done that, he could have died. I refused.

I don't want to be his "Mommy" or "enforcer" or "policeman". I want him to either not drink, or drink very small amounts on occasion, not "Oh, boy, it's after 12..." and start drinking beer and vodka. Every single day.

I understand he has issues, issues he is not facing right now, but it's pretty awful when I don't want my best friend from high school to visit because then she'll "see" him.

I'm going to have a good day regardless, but I'm going to do some HARD thinking and praying.

I want to go to bed and sleep, without a drunk waking me up. That's all. Ron has proven himself completely untrustworthy. Right now I feel about him the way I feel about the smelly guy living under the overpass, disgust and disdain. "Get away from me".

I want to feel like I can respect my husband. I am not interested in playing alcoholic head games, either.

I used to be a total doormat, I HATE confrontation. I HATE ultimatums. Hate it!

It's gotta be bad if all I can think of is how to CONFRONT him, and what ULTIMATIUM to give.

[Houston Heather]

He said I seemed angry, and I told him why.

[*Pear*]

Oh Heather, I'll keep you in my prayers.