Heather Shrinks in Houston!

[skeopple]

You sure had an early, busy, and full day.

See ya tomorrow.

[karenb]

Wish you'd sent the rain up here. It's been cloudy and cool with a few sprinkles just to get us excited, then nothing! Oh wait, the fair starts this weekend. That's a time you can almost always count on for rain!

[Houston Heather]

Of course it will rain for the fair, Karen! It looked like it wanted to this afternoon, but didn't. I forgot to mention that I will never, ever buy a perishable item from the NMF grocery store chain. 2 strikes and they're out.

Well, this morning I realized I forgot to take my red pill last night. The one that keeps me from seeing things. So, I took it this morning, kind of groggy all day but I don't want to see things.

My hatred of psychotic features is greater than the hatred of the psychotic label. Both suck.

I also realized that most of my nightgowns are "ruined" from the steroid cream - applied to the backs of my legs, now the nightgowns have these wierd blurry areas - after laundering. I generally sort out my nightgowns into "Old, OK to wear when sick, having cycle, cooking and eating" and "Nice - only wear to bed when not on cycle". They're all in the first category now. Good excuse to pick up some new ones in a month or so. A few of my favorites are pretty baggy. I like the long (calf length), 100% cotton, short sleeve or sleeveless t-shirt style. Preferably with a pretty floral bring and some ruffles or lace somewhere. Hard to find 100% cotton - only Sears has it.

First stop today was Foodtown! Ron loves his "Taste of Texas" Nighthawk TV dinner - a beef patty with gravy, cornbread, and beans. We also got his grape flavored water (uncarbonated).

I got more cheese, eggs, soda, cleaning products, and hamburger. I plan to make cheddar burgers. Like I told Ron, we always eat them up quick! He greedily agreed.

Came home - we had an older cab driver. Put everything up. Our ride to work was late so I watched "Sanctuary" reruns. Finally, we get picked up.

I rode around with a Little Person in an electric wheelchair (excellent driver!), and an older Vietnam vet, mostly blind and on dialysis. He was very talkative and Ron would say lonely. He kept telling me he HAD to buy all these things for his wife, or some other man would. I found that somewhat sad, but he does seem happily married. He told me all about his dog.

Then, work. The milkman is a total flake. Not impressed. Never made it, and he had a 3 hour window. I didn't allow it to upset me.

We have had a bad batch of sodas - from our last delivery. I go into the stockroom and there's a disgusting lake of HFCS ooze. I mop it up, and the next day there's another one. I have mopped up at least a dozen times and gotten rid of cases of bad product that just start bleeding all over the floor. Fortunately, not my favorites.

I did that again, got rid of the absolute final final batch. UGH. Then I picked up the milkcrates they rested on, mopped under them, got rid of the crates, replaced them (milkman is good for crates, come to think), and put up a pallet of soda after checking with Ron.

When I put up the soda, I look around the stockroom. Ron has the sodas, in a particular order, stacked around the stockroom. I can never remember and one day wised up, putting "nametags" on the walls above. So now I know "Grape" goes over next to the whatever it's next to. Told you I can't remember!

So, generally we have a few to several cases of each soda left. I pull those out and move them away from the area (we call this FIFO - for the First In, First Out inventory method, it is the only thing to do. I have gotten flat pop and it tastes HORRIBLE!). Then I get a fresh milk crate and stack it against the wall, and start putting the new soda down first. If I only have a few cases of the old stuff (usually) I put that on top.

We tend to run a lowish inventory - JIT - Just In Time - as we're about to run out, we get more. Works pretty good. Then I put it back.

Generally the pallet is stacked so that all of the flavors are together, that makes it easier. Sometimes you get ripped open "gouger" cans - I always assisted Ron even before the Bactrim poisoning due to just that. I carefully get rid of it and the ensuing hospital bill.

If I get leakers, I remove the leaker and get a fresh cardboard flat. We try to stash several flats for that reason. Sometimes, like today, just the flat is mashed up. I replace it too.

I did that and then helped Ron STOCK sodas. I needed more flats and he always rips them up by habit. I was able to "preserve" them that way. Chuck came by and yakked at us. That's always fun.

He's told Ron that he used to be afraid of blindness, but seeing Ron now he realizes it's no big deal.

After work, we rode around for an hour and then came home. Good thing. My bladder was about to pop!

It looked very ominous and thundery so I decided NOT to bbq - when I woke up from my nap it was very sunny and bright. AGH.

Tomorrow, we go to the teahouse. Then Ron wants to go to Starbucks. I told him, no problem.

[Houston Heather]

So, we went to the teahouse. Metrolift had us there for an hour and a half.

The owner laughed when I explained that Ron's only tea drinking was the lipton in a can. She suggested a pot of citrus tea, which he loved so much he actually bought. I got a house blend.

It was very, very good. Have you developed an instinct on who is receptive to Atkins? I have and I just cringed when Ron told her all about my success. I knew she wouldn't be receptive, and I was right. Anyway, we had a great time. He wants to go back!

He enjoyed the tea! He kept saying how fun it was! Maybe my illness last month was a wakeup for him, I don't know, but he's been a lot more appreciative and affectionate the last couple weeks.

I drank 2 pots of tea just by myself. I bought myself loads of tea. Yum. I have a very nice decaf cooling at my elbow as I type. We had some excitement getting home, they rode us around so long we were in danger of missing the ride to Starbucks.

I heard Ron pleading on the phone "Because the Kolache place closes at 2!" I suggested he use the word "beg" and he did.

He also called a cab, and the cab came first. Guaranteed straight trip . Worth the money.

I got my whipping cream thing, Ron got his Kolaches - the "girl" there likes him - she finds him "cute". Not cute as in I'd like to date him, but aw, aren't they cute. He got his beloved things - I recalled, vividly, how my hives literally swelled up the last time I ate wheat - BEFORE the 3-day migraine!!

I stuck to the whipping cream thing.

I hung out with Ron, chatting, until our ride came. The pet store has an adorable calico with crossed blue eyes - she reminds me of Baby Girl - except BG was a lot uglier and blind in one eye. She could only be my cat. Poor thing was poisoned by people who lived near us, the day we moved. Monsters.

Anyway, I saw my cat. She wants to know why Bubba is a female-hater. I told her, sorry, he's just a butt. I keep talking to Bubba but he always walks away.

I got Bubba a new toy, which I forgot until just now. He left me a special gift this morning, he overate treats (RON! ) and threw up outside the bathroom. I put a towel down and slipped on the puke, almost killing myself as I fell backwards. Fortunately, the left thigh muscles came to the rescue and I recovered.

First thing on MY day off, I got to clean up cat puke.

So, I got Bubba his toy, even though he won't share his home and gets sick on my floor. I went to the Asian market - the family one.

I found 2 awesome teapots for $5 each. I got them, and some stuff for my sister. I'm making her a goodie box. She married an Asian man, and he got her drinking this stuff called "Milk Tea". It's an instant tea, with added cream and sugar. She loves it. When I went to visit she drank a couple packets a day. I also got her an herbal remedy - instant - for colds and flu (she is prone to them due to immune system problems). I'll pick up other fun stuff and throw them in the flat rate box (when they come!) and send it off.

I finally hit the tofu place, I was STARVING. I got some lemongrass and house special - careful not to look at the house special as I ate it. It's good, but don't look at it. And meatballs. Delicious garlic meatballs - I've been burping garlic all evening.

After that, I made my connection and came home. Then I started up the cheddarburgers and changed Ron's sheets. I got the old ones in the laundry (sheets ).

I'm just waiting on the burgers to get up to temp before I take them off. A busy day!

Tomorrow is just work, Burger King, and home. Oh, yeah!

[Houston Heather]

I had a happy tummy today. I ate sausage patties for breakfast, heavy whipping cream thing for lunch.

Pork Meatballs with garlic
Fried "House Special" tofu
Lemongrass tofu
Spiced tea
Green tea with jasmine
Diet Dr Pepper
then I ate the cheddarburger - nice and smoky and moist.

OOOOOH.

Bad call. Good thing I got some ginger tea!

Oh, yeah. Good tea. They weren't kidding about the helping digest fatty foods.

[Houston Heather]

I went to bed early, got at least 9 hours of sleep.

UTTERLY EXHAUSTED since about 10 AM. No appetite since then. I have a plate in my lap, with 2 smallish cheddarburgers and cut up cheese. I took my nighttime lithium, already. I have to eat. I have to take my lithium.

So, we went to Sam's Club for pastries. They were wonderful about saving our pastries and I asked Ron to call the manager and compliment them. He did. We had a good ride to work.

He was pretty irritable, I noticed. Right as I was walking out the door he told me, "I need 3 cases of water in the fridge." I told him "I can't do it."

If the ride comes and we aren't there, odds are very strong they will go in the wrong parking lot. If the do they can't see or hear us, when we come out. Then our pickup time passes, they say they don't see us, and they cancel the ride. This has happened multiple times.

So, Metrolift says "Be outside 15 minutes before your pickup" and I am. I have sat in the baking summer sun and horrible jungle humidity, I have sat in freezing cold rain, hunched up in one corner of the bus shelter. I have frozen my butt, cooked my brain, and frequently been bitten by fire ants. It's NOT a treat, sitting out there, most days.

I realize that Ron has a strong personality. He is used to asking me for things and I immediately drop everything to help him (due to disabilities). He is used to being a pretty demanding person.

However, I'm NOT going to miss my ride because he told me at the last minute. The annoyance he'll feel will burn it into his head "Don't ask Heather for help when she should be outside".

He was very angry, had a little tantrum as I walked out. Then he yelled at me in the bus stop.

He has a very bad tendency to shout me down and verbally abuse me if I stand up for myself when he's angry at me. He has said he can't help himself but he always controls himself in front of other people.

So, IN THE CAB, I said "Why don't you make another list of all the things I do. I think you'll find it illuminating." He grumbled at me and the driver gave him a sharp look. I said "I didn't hear that, would you care to repeat it?" He said no, and put on his headphones. Hopefully it will perk through his brain and he'll do it. I had also mentioned, at work, that I would be HAPPY to put up water for him, but not right then.

Anyway, I read an article about emotional abusers and they said that often an abuser will take away an outing or something to "punish". That's exactly what he did, he cancelled the trip to Burger King because he was angry.

I was really tired and just came home and went straight to bed. I'm only eating because I need to eat.

I'm not really that upset at Ron, just kind of a low grade annoyance. I thought he was a mature man, not a pouting child. Very juvenile behavior.

The most successful attendants I have seen set strong limits. That's how they keep from burning out. I was perfectly within my rights to say "no". If Ron wants to martyr himself putting up water, that's his problem. He had over 3 hours to ask me.

I also always get very excited about my birthday, every year. I told him I was thinking of making brownies and handing them out to people, and he was very negative and condescending, doing his whole "Life is just a playpen" existentialist bullmanure.

SPARE ME. Gee, I'm sorry I tried to talk to my husband. I'm sorry I tried to share my inner thoughts. I'm really sorry I'm not your doormat. He used to get so angry at other people "taking advantage" of me. Everytime I show I have a spine with him, I feel like he punishes me. I really wonder if he even respects me at all.

I always, always tell him, I'll work as long as you want, but please don't ask me for help 15 minutes before the pickup, when I need to be outside.

Sad thing, I don't feel one bit depressed. My mood is pretty good, just so, so tired. I slept for about 5 hours today when I got home, even though Ron made a lot of noise (knowing I was trying to sleep), and the neighbor's dogs are yelping and barking constantly.

[Houston Heather]

THIS is a depression.

Ugh. I guess I need to eat something and take another lithium. AGH.

Hey, this is not an illness for wimps. I can either be the VICTIM, or the VICTOR. As long as I have my lithium.

Pretty funny moment as I open up my lithium toolchest. Obviously I need a quick-release, this is a good 5 on a 1-10 for depression.

I consider, briefly, a 150 mg. No. I need the big guns!
So I dig out a lithium carbonate 300 mg capsule - quick release, eat some cheese ('cause I hate getting pukey), and drink my tea.

I have
150 mg capsules - quick release for more moderate manias and depressions I want to "whack".
300 mg extended release tablets - for morning and evening doses, also take extras when I have a more pervasive mania or depression.
300 mg capsules - release quickly when I am getting kicked in the head with a depression.

[Snowman]

Heather ~ Sounds like you can't win for losing sometimes with Ron! Ignore him, if YOU want to make brownies and pass them out for your birthday, then do it, it's YOUR birthday!! When is is again, Sept. 22nd if I remember?

Hang in there sweetie!

[Houston Heather]

Yeah, Sept 22.

AY YI YI.

Well, I made a list of all the things I do at work, over 30. I read them onto Ron's voicemail. This morning, he says "I have some other things I want to add to your list" AAAGGGGGH.

I said "I only have 4 minutes to do each thing.... I hope you're going to give me more time." We haggled out a compromise. In addition to the 30 things I already do, I will be doing 2 more duties, plus several more at "closing'.

In exchange HE WILL NOT ASK ME for ANYTHING during the last half hour so I can finish up, understanding that when he asks me for ANYTHING, I am STOPPING WORK TO HELP HIM. I told him, I don't just stand around waiting to help you. I understand you want my help at a fingersnap but you can't always get it if you want me to do everything.

Also, stop riding me about getting outside on time. He seems to be agreeable.

THEN the depression came along and kicked me in the head. Not fun at all. Even Ron could tell.

I took ate something and took another lithium. It helped some but it took a while to kick in.

Ron is complaining of abdominal pain. He tried to play He-Man moving some things, so I'm pretty sure he just pulled a muscle. He is making "Maybe I should go to the ER" noises and wondering aloud if he's going to die.

You will, if you don't SHUT UP!

I asked him at several points - when he's doing the existential bullcrap "Is this a good subject to discuss with someone who is depressed?" He finally got it.

A Metrolift driver actually scolded him, telling him he needs to count his blessings. He wasn't very receptive.

Oh, and the text message guy got fired, but the way he tells it he was parked in the driveway, putting directions into the GPS (), and I came out. I called in on him (I did NOT) and reported him for texting. He got fired.

No, the real story is he was texting while driving, I begged him to put it away repeatedly, telling him 'I don't want to end up in a wheelchair because of you" he was a TERRIBLE driver. It was only a short trip thank God.

Then, a few weeks later, he got a trip with us again. He REFUSED it, saying we were "troublemakers" when all the drivers and supervisors love us. The supervisor ASKED me why a driver would have a "problem" and I told her the only guy I knew of, describing the driver who refused our trip, had a text addiction and I was afraid to ride with him. The supervisor got very angry and said she would be watching him, and if she CAUGHT him texting on the job he was fired.

She did and he was. I don't care if he slanders me. He's off the road, thank God!

I am having a lot of trouble with my computer. I don't expect Ron to go to the doctor, if he were truly sick he would be getting worse by now, but if he does I will call either Sharon or my aunt (AuntieP) with updates.

The same applies to computer problems.

[Houston Heather]

Ron's no worse. I think he did pull a muscle. I offered to take him to "family doc" (provider of hive relief and miracle cream) but he said no.

[Houston Heather]

I would like to share a true story; one of the reasons why I know God has given my Bipolar disorder and these horrible depressions.

I would like to take you back to 1988. I had experienced a few very nasty, long, depressions. I was in the middle of the worst yet. I didn't bathe, I didn't eat. I was so miserable I didn't even know the day of the week!

We were members of an HMO - Kaiser. I was on medication and in group therapy, but I was still highly depressed. Dad was very busy, but even he noticed something was wrong. On Feb 16, 1988; he left work early to meet with my doctor regarding options for my depression.

One day before the court date, on February 16, 1988, Richard Farley drove his motorhome to the E.S.L. parking lot in Sunnyvale, California. He later claimed he waited for Black to leave work so he could convince her to rescind the restraining order. If she refused, he would kill himself. At about 3 p.m., Richard Farley loaded up his various guns, including a .38 automatic, a .357 Magnum, a .22 rifle, and two shotguns. He put on an ammunition vest, inserted earplugs, and put on leather gloves. He then walked into a side door by shooting the glass, and began shooting while heading toward Black's office on the second floor. Several employees were killed by his shots as he made his way through his former employer's building. Arriving at Black's office, he opened her door which she slammed in his face. He fired one shot through the door, which missed Black. The second shot hit her left shoulder and sent her unconscious to the floor. Farley moved on.

Farley then held police SWAT team at bay for five hours by moving from room to room so the SWAT snipers could not target him. Meanwhile, Black woke up and managed to stop her wound from further bleeding while she and other survivors hid from Farley. Eventually Black and other survivors escaped, and Farley surrendered to police on the promise of a sandwich and a soda. A total of seven people were killed by Farley, and four more wounded, including Black. A total of 98 rounds were fired in ESL by Farley.

Source

Laura Black worked IN MY DAD'S department. He was a Captain in the Army, he would have tried to take Farley down - and most likely would have died.

But he was meeting with my doctor.

Edit: I WAS later hospitalized for the depression, for a month. It was very beneficial. My Dad was not saved, but the incident led him to become Born-Again. He would have not only died, but GONE TO HELL...if I didn't have bipolar disorder with severe depressions.

[Houston Heather]

Ron just told me he arranged for me to get Tuesday (birthday) off.

I think he was angry because he "had" to "make" me work. Anyway, he was thrilled to tell me he rearranged the milk delivery.

I really did NOT want to play headgames with the milk man on my birthday.

[Houston Heather]

Ron's still complaining, but his temp is normal and he says the hot water bottle helps. Time to check my hospital bag. I have a bag near the door I can just pick up and grab when Ron needs to go to the hospital.

I forgot to mention something: Bubba cat loves to strut around when Metro comes (dropping us off or picking up). He loves to have people admire him.

He came out today and another passenger asked "Where's the other one?" (Frosty ) I said "Oh, he's with Jesus, eating his way through a shrimp the size of Galveston." Oh.

I thought it was a nice way to handle the issue. A couple times I asked co-workers about their pets and they got very depressed as they told me "Fluffy DIED this weekend." Owch. How do you handle THAT?

[Houston Heather]

As I clicked on Internet Explorer, I heard Ron cooing at Bubba, who'd just jumped in the bed with him.

Ron agrees it is probably a muscle pull. It's no worse, good appetite, digestion normal, no fever, thank God. I needed to update my hospital bag anyway. I had over a dozen pairs of socks and one tshirt!

I have:
2 fleece blankets - one each. One is rolled up like the campers do and hooked on the back of my backpack.
3-4 changes of underwear (socks and undies)
3 t-shirts, including a blood donor one
Comfy extra bra.
Girl supplies
Soap/shampoo/etc.
Travel package baby wipes
A brush for each of us
Tea bag assortment - help me save some money. I think the hospital paid Ron's bill on all the Diet Dr Pepper bottles I drank last year. I also have some saccarin (sp) tablets in a tiny bottle.
Fake pull on "crocs" I got at the dollar store - easy when I need to go get someone in the middle of the night. The IV pumps like to sound the alarm right as I've fallen asleep, and the noise is obnoxious. I'd rather slip on some shoes and head to the nurse's station.
The infamous drawstring pants - very easy to sleep in, loose and comfy, yet appropriate to wear when speaking to a surgeon or social worker.

Things I would bring:
Knitting - I'm currently working on a doggie blanket for a Metrolift Dispatcher. Ron swore he'd do anything for her, and she saw the blanket I made for someone when I was manic. A baby blanket, for a pregnant dispatcher. Ron wanted to give her candy but she told him she was pregnant.

Pills - you knew that was coming - thank God I only have the 2 meds now (I would bring the 300 lithium and the 150's, phenergan for migraines, and the risperdal).

Bible - I have a nice smaller one I carry - about 9x6. Very well loved. A great quote I read once: "A Bible that's falling apart, belongs to someone who isn't!" I might bring some handout bibles to leave in the waiting room for anxious family members. They were a big hit in the trauma ICU after Ron got hurt. I came back from lunch one day, and every single person was reading a Bible! Pretty cool.

However many diet Dr pepper bottles I had. I have figured out a way to make my food "work" at our local hospital. Friends pointed out the proximity of a Burger King, and a grocery store isn't far either. I might bring a portable cooler to fill up at the store, should Ron require a longer stay.

I could eat very well, even with all my food intolerances, canned tuna, cheese, I could get hardboiled eggs [Tell me if I didn't post a thread saying Ron was in XYZ hospital, could a board member bring me some hardboiled eggs - it would happen. Either that or my aunt, but it's a very long drive for her]

I HAVE decided, kind of exploring the topic here, that should Ron end up hospitalized for more than 2 days I would alternate nights spent at home. I could take a couple of buses (3) to get home and rest. When I get sleep deprived I tend to get MEAN. I don't want that.

If I ever ended up in the hospital (and God always seems to keep me at a level where I don't need THAT), I would tell Ron to just come and visit now and then. He always has tons of food in the fridge. Our freinds would help him out with groceries.

A few years ago I -left- for about a week. It was necessary. Ron managed pretty well on his own. My only regret about The Incident was that I lost a week with Frosty.

Onto happier subjects, still can't find my passport. Pretty freaked out. I am still working on organizing the house. It's coming along.

My mood's pretty good, but it tends to be in the morning. Naughty, sneaky, moods. When I'm depressed I tend to feel great in the morning; but then I get kicked in the head with it later in the day. It's called Atypical depression.

I tend to sleep a lot, I generally don't have problems sleeping [THANK YOU GOD]. I feel like it might be a good idea to get outside and "do something" but I'm not sure what.

HORRIBLE movies on Sci-fi.

[Houston Heather]

Well, (after consulting with my aunt on good brownie mixes) I went to two grocery stores. I bought a couple boxes of generic mix, some semi-sweet chips, and some peanut butter chips.

I've made up one batch of generic brand brownies, with the addition of delicious peanut butter and chocolate chips in and on top of the brownies. We'll see how people like them tomorrow, if they do, I'll make more to hand out Monday.

So many ingredients would make me sick - I told Ron I'd rather eat ant bait than a brownie! I got my haircut, too.

I needed it, it kept falling in my eyes. Very aggravating.

I went to NMF grocery, and bought non perishables. I went to the pet store. I went to Starbucks, I went to the Halloween store. Not only do they want $50 for a cheerleader uniform, it's a Cowboys uniform. No offense to Karen, but I'd rather go naked than wear one of those!

Then I went to get my haircut and check out the plush grocery store. I got Ron some Meclezine for his motion sickness and some bagged flavored popcorn. He's addicted to the stuff, but he's rock solid at 138 so I don't worry about him.

By then my daylight window was closing, so I came home. I had an obviously manic guy on the bus trying to sell me something, and I told the driver quietly as I got off "You make it look easy. You have to drive, and look out for THEM." He laughed - I could tell he'd been watching Mr. Mental Illness (takes one to know one ) in the rearview mirror.

I have decided to adopt my next cat - from the County Shelter. They have a troubled history and I know the animals there are in DESPERATE need of good homes.

The ones at the pet store are fostered in good homes, until they get adopted. The shelter animals live in cages until they get the needle.

I found over 21 male cats over a year old, including a few black ones.

[Houston Heather]

Well, Ron was curious about Youtube.

I started with one of my favorites, a blooper of a woman attacked by a cat while doing a newscast. Then Ron wanted to see singing cockatiels, which led to singing parrots, and then he wanted some wedding bloopers.

We ended our "session" with a clumsy best man knocking BOTH the bride and minister into a pool as everyone screams NO!

[Houston Heather]

EEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAGH!

As things go, this one wasn't "bad", but man, I am pissed.

First of all, Ron claims he can't eat sugar because it tastes bad. I have gotten him pastries that he ate with every evidence of enjoyment. He loves to drink the lipton tea we sell at work in cans - HCFS is like the #2 ingredient.

Yesterday, I went to a lot of trouble to select my brownie components. I literally WORE them home in my backpack. He always complains bitterly when I use the stove, the hot stove smell "bothers" him.

So, when I got ready to cook it I made sure I closed his door and carefully monitored the brownies. When they cooled, I cut him a brownie. He woudln't touch it, and told me to throw it away. It had crumbled somewhat so I did.

Me, throwing away delicious brownies.

Today, I bagged up 2 brownies. When our paratransit driver arrived I asked him if he'd "do me a favor". He said OK. I gave him the brownies and asked for his opinion. He was very tenative with the first bite, but then he began GOBBLING and kept complimenting me.

At least SOMEONE appreciates my cooking! In fact, I realized the same driver would be taking us home. I told him "I'll get you another brownie when we get back to the house." I got him 2. Boy, someone's a happy camper!

Just now, Ron yelled at me for "locking the cat in his bedroom". I didn't TOUCH his door, HE did it. He just slammed the door when I told him I hadn't touched the door. Just now, he figured out the cat followed him into the room (and then RON shut the door). Apology? Don't hold your breath, you'll turn blue.

Since I can finally think and use my poor limited brain to the best of my capacity, I have been trying to organize the house.

As I've said repeatedly, this is not easy for me. As I opened my "Add Reply" page, I noticed some silverware around the keyboard. I had ... when I just look at a tableau, I don't see individual items. Just a general blob of "stuff around the keyboard". I have to stop and focus myself, and actually notice each individual item. Then I have to classify it - should be in the sink. Pens? OK to stay. Then I have to say, I need to put the silverware in the sink. It's a lot of work.

If I had a dollar for everytime Ron has yelled at me, saying "A normal woman keeps a clean house!" I could pay off the mortgage AND have a nice tropical vacation. I mean, he married a TEENAGER - day after I turned 18, not only that, he knew I had brain damage, he knew (I'd told him), I had a "messy room". He never ever said that I had to be Heather Homemaker.

He insists on seeing it as a will issue instead of an ability issue. If I "want" to "be clean" - his words - the house is clean, but messy - I'll do it. I just don't want it "enough" and "only a child fights organization".

EEEEEEAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH! Drives me BUGGO - more than the drinking himself into a fugue state and falling on the floor repeatedly. Does ANYONE really think I would enjoy admitting I'm "defective" "crippled" or the rest of that? Everytime I felt like Ron finally GOT it, he'd say the same thing "I can't be with you then".

Which is why, before we got LEGALLY married, I repeatedly begged him to really, really think about the issues he had with me. We had been together for 11 years. Was he CERTAIN he wanted to sign up for a messy house and emotional issues (didn't know I was bipolar then) for life? Because I believe marriage is for life, excepting abuse or adultery. He was very dismissive. No big deal. He loved me.

Now, when I bring it up, he says I tricked him - he was still recovering from the brain damage (why then was he reopening the deli and vending business? He seemed very compotent to handle his boss, sales tax, DBA stuff, bank accounts, etc.). Let's hear another one: EAAAAAAAAAAGGH!

He finally came out to apologize, again? I was dying to say, you never apologized the first time, but I accept. I just said OK.

I just put a wrapper down for a cheese stick. I had to tell myself, no not on the desk, I need to put it in the trash... So I got up and walked to the kitchen. I had to remind myself I need to take out the trashcan near my chair.

None of this is automatic... what is automatic for some people has to be deliberately thought out. My "executive functions" are pretty fried. You can go to my link and look for the table if interested... but organizational stuff is very, very hard.

I have really been working on "If I see a dirty dish, put it in the sink. If I see an item for the trash, put it in the trash bag. Take out the trash when full. Do dishes at least when the sink is full. Empty soda cans in the recycle bag." I have to TELL myself these things constantly, or I just put them down or ignore them. Figuring out "Where do I want to put this?" can almost lead me to tears. It's HARD.

The worst part: I have no obvious physical flaws, and I'm very intelligent and verbal; so people assume I am normal. In fact, they get angry and tell me I've been "lied to" when I tell them about my disability. "Don't let those people make you think that, Heather, you're fine!"

EEEEAAAAAAAGHGH. Yes, I take public transit because I enjoy it. I could drive, I just don't want to. Getting back to the housekeeping, I am very judged by my home.

In fact, during The Incident 2 years ago Ron got absolutely hammered, got angry, things degraded to me hitting him over the head with a shoe until he stopped hitting me. I had some SPECTACULAR bruises. That's when I left him.

He does practice portion control now, but in my book he shouldn't drink at all. As long as he's "behaving" I accept it.

Anyway, I am in tears. Ron has literally broken my bed because he tackled me. Don't get me wrong, the instant he touched me all bets were out - I grabbed a sturdy running shoe, and began whacking him over the head. My uncle goes in the house to talk to him and Ron starts raving about my housekeeping.

Ron did not drink because of the housekeeping, he drank, and continues to drink, because he won't face his issues. He watched a show on a certain addiction and told me "I do that". I agreed.

Anyway, now my uncle has it in his head that my bad housekeeping led to the whole Incident. My aunt mentioned coming over a while back because "We wanted to see the house" Why? It's the same house.

I know she reads this on occasion. I just don't get the whole "Seeing someone's house" if they haven't done anything to it. I haven't remodeled or redecorated. But then every freaking thing I read about FAS says we are LOUSY socially. I tend to run paranoid due to the bipolar so I assume they're "checking up on my housekeeping".

Ugh. It SUCKS to be me... I hate the illnesses. I hate the brain damage. I hate always wondering about things that other people know automatically. I hate being judged because I'm flawed and don't measure up; yet the same "judges" refuse to see the damage that leads to my problems. It's very frustrating.

I told Ron once "I could yell at you all day long, and it won't make you see. I could tell you to try harder, but that won't make you run a marathon. You can't because you have disabilities - so do I, but you're screaming at me to run when I can't."

Even my husband doesn't get it most of the time... very aggravating. When I work my butt off trying to organize the house - he yells at me because I put something behind the door.

[Houston Heather]

Good news - the last driver just pronounced my brownies "delicious" and "Perfect". I feel good about handing them out tomorrow.

Ron is just being a total sausage today. I told him (nicely) I get frustrated at his constant assumption that I am just on hold, waiting for him to ask me to do something - like he can flip my switch, I turn on, do whatever he wants, and go back to "off". I get very very tired of him saying "I need you to put something on the list" when I'm on the freaking toilet, for God's sakes!

I can't do it now, I'm on the toilet. Oh, I didn't know (all offended). How was I supposed to know? Because my voice is coming from the bathroom. You just didn't think - you act like I am always supposed to be "On demand".

Now he's trying to blackmail me into mowing the lawn by saying "he" will do it. I told him have fun.

SO FRUSTRATED!

Repeat after me: My job is pleasing God. My job is pleasing God. My job is pleasing GOD. My job is pleasing God. My JOB is pleasing God.

I am also upset that he persists in calling me a "snail" and telling me no matter how hard I try or work, the house will "look the same". "Why bother" he says. I am very glad my impulses are fairly well controled on lithium. I don't have to act on them.

MY JOB IS PLEASING GOD. I am going to figure out what nice thing I want to do for myself after I do the dishes, laundry, pick up, and take out the trash.

If he keeps up this attitude, though, by the time I get the house picked up we won't have much of a marriage. Sometimes I think he's only nice to me when I'm too depressed to care about it anyway.

[Houston Heather]

Feeling better. Ron and I are talking.

Boundary issues. AGH.

[Houston Heather]

Let's see.

Done:
Bagged up 3 bags of garbage and put them out - total of one 95 gallon trash can completely filled with junk I'm tossing.

Mopped floor, right before Ron mowed the lawn. Our garage door is broken so mower had to come through the house. It's still 95%.

Helped Ron finish up the yard, and put clippings on compost pile.

Watered the babies.

Cleaned up one whole corner of my bedroom, emptied 10 gallons of disaster kit water leftover from hurricane ike. Yes, I know that was last year.

Did one whole sink full of dishes, put away clean dishes in dishwasher, and loaded and ran a new one.

Fixed two 9x13 pans of brownies. With walnuts and other things. I don't want to derail anyone.

Nice things I did for myself:
Sat outside on the newly mown grass, petting Bubba cat. He loves to sit next to me for petting. That's how we met.

Called Dad - he could only talk a minute. Off adventuring with his in-laws.

Burned a candle AND some incense. Going to burn more.

A nice thing - I got a lovely compliment from a female driver today - she said I have lovely legs. Nice to know I'm getting better.

[skeopple]

Heather, just when I think I kind of understand what you are living, I learn more. I had no idea it was such a 'processing' issue for you. You do amazingly well in verbalizing your feelings. You had me fooled!

It's so neat that you are baking and sharing brownies for your birthday celebration. Great idea!!! Tomorrow is your birthday EVE. Any special plans for having fun? You have your birthDAY off, right?! I so hope Ron does something special for/with you. If not, have fun yourself; seems you always find a way to be happy.

I like your attitude......."It's my job to make God happy."

[Houston Heather]

Thank you Sharon, they were a huge hit! The general reaction was "ooooooh!" I told a few people why, but honestly no one cared about the why; once I'd given them the gooey goodness. All they cared about - I gave them a brownie. An OOOOOH brownie.

One of the older custodians, went "Oh, look at THAT!" Our drivers were utterly THRILLED.

I really want to promote understanding. If no one understands my disability, they can't understand me. Virtually everyone in my life has automatically assumed it's a "will" issue (I don't want to) instead of an ability issue (I can't). I want to clarify that as much as possible without coming off a whiner.

I was afraid I was going to lose it typing the next part, but God has a sense of humor - my radio began to play "We're not going to take it!" To start, I am very very angry and pretty hurt.

When Ron was cheating on me, I knew it on some level - I just refused to face it. I thought if I loved him enough...

Yeah. Anyway, his favorite thing ever was to deny, deny, deny. I would ask him; and he'd give me a plausible denial. Or he'd give me a denial without me even asking. Yipppeee. My man loves me.

Then he'd drink when he was angry. Drinking when angry at me, oh, wow. You wouldn't believe the HALF of it. It generally culminated, between the attempted [cough] and the cursing and verbal abuse, throwing out all the sordid details of WE SCREWED AND I LOVED EVERY MINUTE. I mean, I got a truly detailed confession - except you have to be sorry to confess and he was bragging.

Pretty much the whole time we've been together, he has said, when he's angry, that he doesn't love me, he loved who he thought I was, a "normal woman", someone without "brain damage" - said in the same tone of voice as "sewage". That I was "broken and sick" and worse, unmentionable things, and if he could "get out" he would.

Today, he basically screamed it at me during work. In front of other people. Sadly, this is not even the first time. Not once, but three times. He shouted all that at me three times, at work, today.

Why, you may ask. I always used to think these verbal attacks were "my fault". I forgot my keys today. Take me out and shoot me.

In the meantime, he was leaving vending machines open. When he left, he completely forgot he had to let me out. One day he left a bucket of nickels sitting on the floor. Another time, a whole case of milk. Do I scream at him? No. I just ask "Are you leaving the ____ machine open for a reason?" Or "I just want to remind you about the nickels on the floor." I never, ever, turn it into a personal attack.

Well, he replied, he has brain damage. So do I! Then he started screaming at me about how he hates me and all. He didn't "Pick" me. He's "stuck" with me. People are around.

In the meantime, I am WORKING. Ron is coming into the stockroom periodically as I work [up the inventory and merchandise order] and screaming at me to stop "loafing around" he needs my help. I fix the down vending machine. I get him various cases of sodas. I am as polite and professional as possible in the circumstances.

Most of all, I am very very embarrassed. I worked for a small business in 1997. The owners were always fighting. The whole store occupied about 300 square feet - it was very awkward. A lot of hostility in the air. Not to mention, it was a coffee shop and they were always demanding I drink these huge cups of coffee. I was walking around with the shakes all the time! I kind of branded that "Oh, my God, here they go again" feeling into my brain and swore if Ron and I EVER worked together I would NEVER make anyone feel like that. Well, I haven't, but we can't say that about Ron.

On some level, everytime Ron launches into his "I don't love you I only loved who I thought you were, you're too sick and broken for me" speech, I knew it was true.

Today, around the third round, it hit me. He means it. He would deny, deny deny if I asked him when he wasn't angry, but that's really how he feels.

He kept pressuring me to "make a trip for tomorrow, we can go somewhere fun for your birthday". I would rather spend the day by myself than get plastic flowers, if you get my drift. I want real affection or no affection. The last thing I want is phony posing because one "should". GACK.

I read my devotionals. I got 2 Corinthians 13, and Ecclesiastes 7:21 "Do not take to heart everything that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. For many times, also, your own heart has known that even you have cursed others."

8:15
So I commanded enjoyment, because [oh he just came out and called me a B and a POS and a lot of other ugly things] a man has nothing better to do under the sun than to eat, drink, and be merry; for this will remain with him in his labor for all the days of his life which God gives him under the sun.

9:9
Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun.

So, he was putting a lot of pressure on me to make plans for tomorrow. I asked him (he was pretty calm) "Did you really mean what you said this morning?" He said yes. I said "I don't want plastic love. I don't want an outing because you feel like you 'should'." He got progressively more upset, but I'm adamant. I don't want a fake, phony, aren't they cute outing. Which reminds me, I GOTTA change my avatar.

He just came out of his room and shouted at me because I was being a stubbborn B. It was "too late now" and tomorrow as "ruined". I said, no it would have been if I wanted a fake outing. A lot of grumbling about how HE wanted to go to the teahouse and I "ruined" my birthday.

He tells me my disability is a load of manure and denigrating things to me in general. Then he says crap like "Why can't you just love me?"

He got very angry when I told him I was going out by myself tomorrow and I'd have a great time.

He made a big production about changing our delivery date - without asking me. Now he's holding it over me like a club - using it against me "I changed the delivery day, the business is suffering because of it, and you won't even .... "

I reminded him he did that on his OWN without asking ME.

[Houston Heather]

Severe weather tomorrow. That ought to be fun. Won't be the first or the last time, I'm out in the rain.

I will ask for something from fellow believers. Ron is not treating me in a Biblical manner. I am giving close to 100% of what I'm able to give.

If you could ask God to convict him, I'd appreciate it. I made vows but I am pretty certain the emotional abuse is an out.

The sad thing - I see potential. I see the kind of man he could be.

Instead, I see a guy lying in bed all day, having pity parties, drinking, and devaluing all the good things God has put in his life (not just me).

Oh, and to clarify the earlier post, he has shouted at me, at work, repeatedly - many times saying how he doesn't love me etc. Not just today.

[pennylovesdarren]

Hi Heather, I just wanted to say that I am praying for you and Ron. I am so proud of you for trusting God in all things and for always giving Him your burdens. God hears your cries and He knows the beautiful desires of your heart. That is what I am praying for, that he would give you all the desires of your heart, that he would give you beauty for ashes, and for healing for both you and Ron. I'm praying for emotional healing as well as physical healing. For joy and peace to fill you and your home, for reconciliation and love. I pray for God's plan A for you and for Ron. I'm asking God for something special for you on your birthday just because He loves you so much and you are so precious. You are a very kind, generous, good-natured, gentle godly woman who runs after His heart so blessings on you today and always. Penny

[Houston Heather]

Thank you!

THANK GOD all this happened when my mood is OK. If he'd pulled this during a depression - bad. A mania? Breaking news.

I've got my MP3 player on, playing my music - the classic rock one. I just cranked it with "All Night Long" and now "Tainted Love".

God is really putting it on me that Ron hates himself. You can't give something you don't contain - you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself. I think he takes his self-hate out on me because I'm always there. I only left him twice, when I was in physical danger. Both times, I came back. I'm the only dependable person in his life, flaws and all.

The man. Needs. A Counselor. Probably meds, too. I bet a good anti-d and some therapy would fix him up in no time... if he allowed it.

The last time we got counseling, I paid for it (over $900) and the guy constantly took sides with Ron, even when Ron admitted emotionally abusing me - and did it front of the guy! Also, the therapist told us way more than was appropriate about his own life. GACK. I'll remind you all, I make $800 a month.

I am just dying to paint Ron as the monster; but if he is, I've allowed it. I'm cleaning up the bedroom. It's so much easier to focus now that my meds have me in a good place. The lithium keeps my head clear; and I can use what I've got to my maximum.

[Houston Heather]

I've been tearing up the house looking for my passport. I finally found it under the coffeetable. WHEW.

I need to think out "the talk" with Ron. I envision getting a night job and helping him with the vending business if he wants. Since it involves large amounts of cash, you either have to hire an apostle or a family member.

Thievery is rampant. I imagine he'll need me for the cash end but that doesn't mean he's STUCK as he so eloquently puts it.

I would be happy to move out - it might be a good thing - but I don't see myself dating. Of course tomorrow he didn't mean it... but he does and I need to accept it.

[skeopple]

So sorry you are going through this, Heather.

Thinking good thoughts and Praying you have a happy birthday tomorrow.

[Houston Heather]

I'm gonna have a good day tomorrow.

I won't let anything stop me. Based his pattern, Ron will be very remorseful. He didn't mean it. As long as he isn't blowing up my cell phone... I'm good, and I have caller ID.

[clutterbug]

Wow, Penny put it so much more beautifully than I ever could. I read through some of today's posts earlier tonight and couldn't stop thinking about you, Heather. I've prayed for you several times tonight, and for Ron, too.

Praying for a beautiful birthday, against all odds.

Warmly, B.

[Houston Heather]

Thank you! I'm going to go take a bubble bath and sleep.

for all the lurkers, too. When I'm having a bad day, just knowing someone's reading this helps.