Heather Shrinks in Houston!

[skeopple]

You're such a good daughter

[Snowman]

Originally Posted by skeopple

You're such a good daughter

I agree and add that Heather is such a GOOD PERSON. She has such a good heart, you can tell she's a Christian by her actions.

Hope you have a GREAT day today Heather!

[Houston Heather]

Thanks! A burger that's not smoked isn't worthy of the name!

Our milkman loves the new delivery time. We get to see the third shift (2-10), too, and they enjoy seeing Ron in his wheelchair filling 'em up. They kept their training pretty well too, they realize if he's headed for them they need to let him know they're there! Many people here for a training session just gape at him until he bumps into them. Not many blind guys in wheelchairs filling vending machines.

I got miserably queasy. The only thing that takes the edge off is a small bag of chips, really NOT happy about that. I ate about 28 grams' worth. Not Happy! But I am not going to turn this into a whiny blog. "Oh, poor me, my life is SO AWFUL!" UGH.

Good news, I tried something new. I only apply my steroid cream 1-2 times a day (up to 3 is permitted), on the problem areas. I decided to try a third application to my ankles and feet area, the ones that always holler when I wear my work shoes or sneakers. The pressure really annoys the hives. The other hives, without having pressure points, have healed up great. These are just being difficult.

So, I said, I'm not going to put those shoes on until I'm headed out the door, and before I do so, I'm going to put on an extra dose of steroid cream! It worked GREAT. Not a single itch. And, I have 3/4 of a tube of cream, and refills for 180 grams (about 8 ounces total). By the time I work my way through THAT - and it's incredibly affordable, I'll definitely be better.

I'm going to recover, that's the thing I remember. I rode home with a severely developmentally disabled youngster who was also quadraplegic. He was very amiable. Really makes me appreciate everything I have.

I have no idea what I'm doing for dinner - it's got to be enough to hold a lithium tablet, without being heavy and making my nausea worse. I'll figure something out.

Bubba-cat was very sweet today. When I came back from checking the mail, he meowed sweetly at me. I sat down in the grass and he laid down right next to me. He is not a cuddler, but he was close enough that even I - MS Here Kitty Kitty, was happy. He was pressed up against my leg and his tail flicked against me. We just sat and enjoyed each other's company, as I gave him occasional strokes. I told him that while I have seen some nice other cats, HE'S the kitty, I love him, and no other cats are coming to live with us unless he brings one home like he did Frosty. I also thanked him again for bringing me Frosty. We had a good time. These times, sitting with Bubba, are some of my most contented memories.

[skeopple]

Awwww...........sweet, sweet Bubba!

[Houston Heather]

He LOVES his new crap food. I mean, what the hell is animal digest? I don't know. I do think a cat deserves better than "corn gluten meal" but now that I've gotten the crap foods (Fancy Feast Filet Mignon flavor, which has absolutely NO beef , and 9 Lives Signature Blend - a tiny portion of beef, way down the list). Bubba loves red meat flavors, hard to find in a cat food. He didn't want anymore low carb cat food, which I feel gave me at least another year with Frosty .

Since he refuses to eat it, and has basically been living on wet food and cat treats, I decided to cede the battle and win the war, get him eating cat food again. I am happy to give him meat scraps - which the vet has OK'd.

Anyway, he ate both bowls of food and woke me up begging for more. Now he is stretched out in the doorway of the "computer room". He loves his "food".

And me? I helped Ron with some accounting stuff, organizing and stapling receipts, then reading him the totals to input into his computer. He will use them to determine our P&L for last month, then I will input the data into the state computer.

But for now, it's my day off, REALLY cloudy, probably get soaked again. I have a new little area of hives (Merck manual says a drug rash can take a while to abate), I'm so glad I still have plenty of magic steroid cream from my wonderful, wonderful, primary doctor.

I'm going to eat something (:dunno) and head out - I plan to hit another asian grocery and a couple of dollar stores. When I was out the last 2 times, I apparently had so many trips on my bus card, I've hit the jackpot of free rides for a bit. 2 days of free rides, whoo-hoo!

Maybe I'll have some today, maybe not. But at 60 cents a trip, and $13 on the card, that's plenty of fun, and I have free transfers (everytime I pay, I ride free for 3 hours after).

So, I'm off. After I eat.

Still nice and solid at 170 (I had crept up a little before the reaction), and I can fit in all my clothes. My denim skort may actually be a little loose.

[Houston Heather]

I'm off - it's definitely about to pour so I'm wearing my water shoes, the kind you take to the beach. They're sandy from our last trip to Galveston.

3 dollar stores and an asian market. fun.

[Houston Heather]

It was. I got Ron some instrumental CD's, some room freshener, a toy dump truck for a guy at work, some leather gloves for the other blind guy, who's always cutting himself and bleeding everywhere . Even if his doctor says he's OK, I don't want to put my hand in his blood! The gloves are so awful I'm going to take a photo of them. Every finger is a different color, and they clash. Gloves only a blind man would wear.

I also got some room freshener stuff - I already opened up the "Bergamot tea" one and love it. It's the reed diffuser for $1 - earl grey fragrance. I got some citrus stuff too.

Ron LOVES his popcorn, and he loves it slightly burnt. I came home to the smell of burnt popcorn. Ick. I CAN, however, make the home pleasant by having nice citrusy aromas.

I moved the fryer out in the garage, and Ron was thrilled. It's not hard to do the frying out there, and Ron really detests the aroma of hot oil. When he thanked me, I told him "I wouldn't want objectionable colors all over the house." He laughed, and agreed.

I also found some fake "crocs" in the slip on style. Fortunately, I know my European shoe size. I got a pair and I'm wearing them now, I LOVE THEM. I will be buying more.

Exciting things like dishtowels and lavender dish soap made it into the cart, and I had a lot of fun.

Right as I left the house, it began to pour.

First stop, Foodtown for more sodas. I drank 5 and 1/4 of them. I met a man there who seemed very frustrated, looking at the sports drinks. I suggested powerade zero. It turns out he is a low carber and has lost OVER 100 pounds on lowcarb. Hopefully we'll see him, I told him about the board.

I ate a couple of bunless burgers, I had the time. Then I drank a soda, and put another one in my tote bag for easy access. I donned the bright yellow poncho, which fits over my backpack. I am certain I resembled a large, cheerful, yellow, lemon today.

I had my tunes and sang along as I waited in the rain. A younger lady and her boyfreind came over, and I found out they were waiting on the same bus. They didn't have umbrellas or jackets. I told them to go wait by the store, under the overhang, I'd wave when the bus came.

It worked great, the bus was late, of course, because of the rain. I hit "Mega" dollar and the little dollar store, then went over to the big asian market. It wasn't the best idea.

For one, they don't carry the good FooJoy tea! The whole place had this horrible fish aroma. It was overpowering, and added to my existing nausea.

I got very excited when I found a one-pound package of sliced, dried licorice root but the package was damaged. Booo. They didn't have any more. I'll just stick to the 2 ounce bags I've been buying at the family store.

I got a box of some bittergourd tea - it's an experiment. They had about a dozen varieties, and I want to see what all the excitement's about.

One awesome remedy for a cold is the instant chrysanthemum beverage. It's really excellent. I found some for about a dollar, and threw it in my cart. $3 later and I'm out of there, just in time to miss the bus... which only runs every 40 minutes.

Booo. I went to a grocery store I don't like, and used the bathroom. I bought myself a bag of pork rinds - maybe not the wisest thing with my stomach, looked around, and left.

The next bus was right on time, and I caught it. Every step I'm taking outside is in the pouring rain. I'm wearing my poncho, most likely singing along with my tunes, and wearing my water shoes. I've got a diet Dr pepper in my hand.

Which brings me to the 1/4. At the little dollar store, I put down my just-opened bottle to look at something, I forget what. I forgot it!

I have $7 left. I go to "Favorite" dollar store. I got some room freshener stuff, and some instrumental CD's for Ron. One's Celtic, the other's Jazz. He ought to enjoy them when he wakes up.

The guy who was chirping at me to get up has been coma boy all day in bed. Normally we chat but he seemed pretty tired, so I didn't call him.

I went by Starbucks and ran into a guy we used to know - he was interested in offering Ron "Marketing opportnities" - but it was a very low grade hustle. Poor man, I terrorized him with some Ron photos.

My little area's on a busy road, and when I came out everyone was honking at a wreck. One of those, lots of body damage, no people damage, traffic screwups on a rainy day.

It had stopped raining by now, but it's still really overcast. I got to the bus stop and the bus was one block down. Which meant I caught it. I also caught the connecting bus, missed the bus to come home, but another one was 5 minutes behind it and EMPTY.

Oh, remember my bus pass? I had more free rides, and Metro only took 60 cents total today.

Cool. I put up the garbage can, now I'm going to try my bittergourd tea.

1 hour later - the tea is VERY good. Next time, I will buy 100 count at the family market.

[Houston Heather]

Gotta get up at 6 AM, I just checked.

So queasy, I barely got the PM pills down the hatch. They still want to come up.

Ugh. It wasn't until just now that I though - HEY HEATHER - make and freeze some pumpkin pudding! Then I can just take that out when I'm feeling pukey and need to medicate.

AGH. Wish I'd thought of this 2 hours ago.

Tomorrow, it's work, then we try a BBQ place. A funny statement hanging on the door :
Gloves for Mike at work
Cat Food for Mike
Green Tea for a nice guy
Dump Truck for forklift driver

I'm such an awful person on my meds. Just terrible! I don't see how anyone can stand me! Surely I live up to my nickname of "Heather the Hatchet".

[skeopple]

Heather, I just love reading about your day.

Rest well tonight, for your early morning.

[Houston Heather]

I think I had a mild virus. I feel fine this morning, just waiting on our ride. "They" were going to leave us at Sam's Club for "too long" per Ron. So we're waiting at home instead.

After work, Chuck is meeting us and we're going to check out a good new BBQ place. New to us, been in business a while. Yum.

I am actually bringing a light jacket - supposed to rain all day, everyone will have A/C on, and it's only getting up to 80 [Heather shivers]. Funny how everyone defines "cold".

Ron LOVES the CD's. As soon as he woke me up he started thanking me.

[Houston Heather]

A mosquito got in while I was talking to my neighbor. Someone broke into his truck and stole some tools, tried to get a generator, and left. I felt bad saying, sorry, all I heard were some loud scraping noises against the side of the house/bedroom wall. We have a zero property line on the north side of the house - so the wall of the house is the actual property line for maybe 40 feet. He kept pressing me for details, and I just said "It was the middle of the night, I thought it was a terrible time for you to be putting up trash cans, and I went to sleep. I thought it was you, and I didn't look at the time." After I shut the door, I wondered why anyone would keep valuable items like that, in a truck bed, at night. Our neighborhood is quiet but it's got property crime on occasion. Why not pull it into the garage? Whatever crap you've got can go into a storage shed in the backyard, padlocked, and then your truck and the tools and be safe in the garage. There's a reason insurance offers garage parking discounts. Of course I won't SAY it.

That makes 2 burglaries and a vandalism that have happened near us while I was asleep! God is protecting me! I am glad the crackhead got our lawnmower 5 years ago. It was a horrible gas-powered one. They deserved each other. Not to mention, I caused plenty of emotional trauma.

Our ride to Sam's Club was late. As we got on, I noticed the other client was a young man, younger than me, and very obese. He had the characteristic posture of the extremely obese paratransit rider - the one who no longer fits in the minivan: His legs were spread widely and his belly hung between them. He was leaning back against the seat, and his arms were spread widely, tightly gripping the headrests on the two seats. Some gasp loudly. Odors are very common. He had to separate the rolls of fat in order to get his seatbelt fastened, and he kept trying to take it off. He'd reach above his head, and his shirt would pull up, and I'd quickly turn my head. It's a horrible sight.

Then we went to pickup another client - one that's in the electric wheelchair, one I have referred to as my motivation. She must be positioned in her electric wheelchair with her thighs spread, and sometimes she wears skirts. It is sick. I don't much like her personality. She whines a lot and is very much into entitlement. She feels everyone should cater to her due to her disability. She is very demanding, a terrible driver, always running over people's feet. I think she may do it intentionally, because when I have Ron turn to the side she frowns at me. "I won't hit him" Hey, he's got enough problems. He doesn't need a broken foot on top of that... and yeah, you'd be "sorry", and you are sorry, but that won't fix him. With me, one strike and you're out when it comes to Ron's safety. She lives with her mother and her disabled brother, and a younger child. For a family that has a wheelchair-dependent family member, they have NO wheelchair vehicles; just plenty of SUV's. It gets better. One day we met her at the mall. This was when we had met her, off and on, for a year. She rolled up and we chatted. I could see she had just eaten a large meal with her attendant. She had bags and bags of clothing from an expensive, plus-size boutique. I know she lives with her mother. She gets a disability check - she has tax-paid caregivers and Medicare.

"I don't have any money" she whined "Can I borrow a dollar?" Sorry, I told her, I didn't have any either. I lost all respect for her after that. Have some PRIDE. Don't beg. If you don't have any money then return the expensive clothes you just bought, but don't take and then try to make me feel sorry for you. You SPENT your money. Get a job.

I know plenty of people in wheelchairs with jobs, and they're paid well. I know one gal worked at the movie theater. Another worked as a tutor, some work at call centers, social service agencies, etc. One works at the hip-hop station as a sound engineer. Instead, for the last 5 years, she's been going to the community college. She says she wants to be a lawyer. I'm not holding my breath.

So, anyway, the other client gets to talking with her about wheelchairs. I take off my headphones (afraid of being hit up for more money). "When you're a 'wheelchair' on Metrolift, the trips are terrible, worse than you had today. That's why my husband walks whenever he can, to keep the function he's got and to make his trips better." He kept going on about Craigslist and all, what was a good brand.

"I hate it when people stare at me" he says. I wonder, does he think they won't stare if he's in a bariatric electric wheelchair? If he thinks the stares and comments are bad now, they're about to get a heck of a lot worse.

Not to mention everytime I have seen an obese client get an electric wheelchair, they don't improve. They get worse, and it's generally a pretty striking decline. One woman went from able to walk around Walmart unassisted, to unable to stand up for 3 minutes while the driver parked her wheelchair. One diabetic man has died. He got it because he had some weakness on one side. 4 years later his wife handed me a leaflet from the memorial service.

I really think, for 95% of them it's a case of use it or lose it. Some people need a wheelchair due to nerve pain issues. Or maybe they have no feeling in their feet due to diabetes - if they injure their feet they could end up an amputee. Maybe someone has a bad break that never healed properly - I injured a hip once and walked very stiffly for quite a while. I know another guy who's a double amputee.

But many of the people I see, especially at Walmart, get no exercise. They have gotten to a certain point with the weight gain and they have probably given up. So they climb on the cart, jam their belly in between the space provided, (sometimes the belly kind of lunges up over the edge of the basket), and they lumber off, the motor protesting. The arms break on the scooters, then the seat, and the motors burn out. In the meantime the "surrendered" are stuffing their carts full of more carbs to console themselves. It's awful.

Can it be fixed? Not really. Not unless someone WANTS to change and BELIEVES that they can. I didn't believe I would lose any weight, but I had to try, and gave it 100%.

I emailed the lady who wrote The Secret to Low-Carb Success, and she told me it is very sad to see people who are finally ready to commit to their health, but it's already been destroyed. She manages a nursing home, she knows what she's talking about.

I'm sitting here thinking I'm happy where I am. I am a 12/14 on most conventionally sized clothes, and a solid 10 in the loosely sized ones. I'm a lot healthier than I was at 230 and a tight 22W. I think my physical activity saved me.

So what am I saying? It's easier to catch it early. Like I told my neice years ago "It's easier to maintain your weight than to get it back". If you do lose, stay on a good maintenance plan. Take Dr Atkins advice, no matter what your plan, and get tougher with your eating if you gain more than 5 pounds above "epsilon".

God forbid you gain 80 or 200, get on it as soon as you can, remain as active as possible, and use the wheelchair as the absolute last resort, when you can't get to the bathroom in your own home.

People in manual wheelchairs seem to do a lot better, in my book. Most of them are thin and very active.

Now, all that said - how was your day, Heather?

We went to Sam's Club. Ron was very frustrated because the service was just being idiotic. He was negative enough that I "chose" to wait outside. When the cab pulled up I asked her to get him, "While I load this up". I offered her candy (I had just bought $140 worth, ALL the good stuff), but she said no. I gave her one of my meat sticks. Yum.

She is very thin. "It's not fatty, is it?" AGH. No, it isn't, but it is pretty salty. Some people can be really odd about salt.

We got to work.... more to come

[Houston Heather]

This is "Ron's" Cart, also known as "The 3 shelf".



Another view:

We love this cart. When we go to Sam's Club, I fold up Ron's wheelchair and set it on TOP of the cart, and roll it out to Ron. I take the wheelchair down (today it fell into some grass ), and then I put the candy onto the cart. Ron propells himself along in the chair.

When I went looking for him, he was standing behind the wheelchair and using it as a walker, occasionally running into walls. He had his 36 count case of Mountain Dew sitting in the chair. He was very proud of himself - I was proud too.

He's done plenty I didn't like, but I am very proud of his work ethic, he sets a good example. Probably why I am such a "good little soldier" about working "sick" (physical or mental) unless I am contagious.

So, I did candy. Then I did chips. Sodas were very popular, and bottled water. We filled 'em up.

Chuck came and we headed out. Ron has this phone thing where you can call a number, shout your location into the phone, along with your destination, and it gives "driving directions". Bad directions.

We finally ended up at an excellent BBQ place. In a strip mall, not a stand-alone restaurant. Generally strip malls have the best, or ratty little run down aluminum trailers.

I loved my bbq pork, dry, with a green salad. Ron had a BBQ sandwich, but he was having a bad flavor day - everything tastes awful, and the only thing he's enjoyed has been a bag of microwave popcorn. Chuck got a big meat dinner - lowcarbish and enjoyed it.

After that, we went to Walmart and dropped off Ron's prescription for his Neurontin - to turn down the volume of tingling for his body and feet. I confessed that I cheated, and turned in my CVS prescription packaging for "Doctor's Miracle Cream" as I call it. We'll get it tomorrow.

Then I got myself some soda and we came home. It was late, but I took a good nap. Oh, yeah. Bubba clambered into bed with me - such a sweet boy. For him, that's getting in my lap.

I sure love my Bubs. Tomorrow isn't bad, work a couple of hours, Walmart, home. Supposed to rain this weekend.

I'm down to my last $1.50. I may ask for an advance tomorrow.

[Houston Heather]

ITCHY.

I figured out, some of it was the mosquito. The rest were the "Angry Hives". I put Doc's miracle cream on them - they should calm down soon. I also plan to take some benadryl, even though the mental health tech got all frowny when I said I took it most nights to help me sleep.

I love caffinated beverages. I'm going to have trouble sleeping!

DON'T SCRATCH, HEATHER. AGH.

[skeopple]

You got me thinking Heather. I use the electric scooter at Wal Mart and MarketPlace. I can't walk more than a couple of car lengths because of spinal injury. I hope people don't think it's cuz I'm obese. I had this problem before I became so heavy. No change. I've had all the treatments, etc. Can't have surgery. I hope people are just glad I'm out and about and not dissing me for being fat in a scooter. Guess I'll have to send DH with my personal lists from now on? Oh well, could be worse. I don't use anything to get around our house. Did rent a scooter at the zoo on Saturday tho. That was 6 hours.

The zoo was great but time went too quickly. Weather was great too. Foggy here today; or humid maybe. Supposed to get rain tomorrow and throughout the weekend.

Have a wonderful Friday!!

[Houston Heather]

No, I don't mean people like you - you're MEDICAL. I just see a lot of mildly to somewhat overweight people - generally in horrible shoes with no support, climbing in and firing it up. They seem to move just fine, and just don't WANT to walk. If no scooter's available, they will grab a cart, wrestle it free, and then charge off. If they got better shoes, maybe walking would be more fun? Maybe they wouldn't use the scooter and get more exercise.

I love you and I would NEVER want to make you feel bad - ever. I was just very frustrated when I saw this guy basically taking one more step toward the grave. It was obvious looking at his legs that he has circulation problems - the lower legs were all mottled looking (I forgot to mention the shorts).

It's very possible I am just a judgemental B - if that's the case I am very very sorry.
I don't think people are going to stop looking at him, especially with him being so young. When you use an assisitive device, or look different, people do stare unfortunately. Boy, they really stare at Ron.

I have a new thing with him - I tell him where to "look" and he "waves" cheerfully with the bad hand.

[skeopple]

I know I'm medical, but I'm sure people only see the fat!............I didn't think you were judgemental, I was just thinking aloud too.

That is hilarious that Ron "looks" and waves!!! You two are a hoot. No wonder you love each other so much.

Hoping your morning at work and then your trip to WalMart are good times. I'll bet you're bringing chocolate for the pharmacy associates!

We're also supposed to have rain off and on this weekend. The town 3 miles south of us has their big community weekend. Airplanes, collectible cars, trains. As well as carnival, fair, and parade. All kinds of stuff, so hope the weather allows it all. We'll probably only take in the parade on Sunday. It's the town both myself and DH graduated from.

Talk to ya later.

[Houston Heather]

I am glad you brought up that issue, Sharon.

You really got me thinking. I have been VERY UNFAIR and judgemental.

What does the Bible say? "Judge not, lest ye be judged" - Matthew 7:1

I was thinking about this ALL morning, as I battled a lovely mixed episode. One minute I want to yak yak yak, the next I just want to cry and cry.

I was thinking, why does this upset me? Because I feel people take their health and mobility for granted - it's just as bad as those adventure sport guys. They just assume if they have an accident, they'll recover - until they don't.

Why does it get me angry? And I realized, I am VERY ANGRY. Very.

My Dad used to tell me, life is unfair. It is. God will never give us anything we can't handle. Put on a happy face, suck it up... be a good little soldier. Don't complain. People don't want to hear about your problems. All true.

That doesn't change the fact that I've been bottling up some very negative emotions for a long time. I guess I have associated anger and hurting with my illness, if I am feeling those emotions it means I'm not "right". I don't want to be "sick" - no one does.

I have a profoundly disabled husband. He can't stand up for 5 minutes at a time now. He has to use a wheelchair to work and shop. He's blind, he has a mild hearing impairment, he had a stroke, he has nerve disease, he has brain damage. Any one of those is big, all together they are huge.

It's hard taking care of him sometimes. I feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, and very alone. When I asked for help, I was made to feel like "You're not up to the job, are you?" and "Well, you're crazy. What can you expect?"

Sometimes he's verbally abusive. I have a terrible time standing up for myself and setting limits, especially when he can take it as a personal attack. He's "better" than he used to be, but he can be ugly at times. That on it's own is a big deal.

Last year, a malpracticing doctor almost killed him and acted like I was in the wrong for asking questions about the care he was getting. I deeply regret encouraging him to see her, and "reminding" him to take the medication that almost killed him.

He just did this; he comes to me with a demand and I have to DROP EVERYTHING AND DO IT RIGHT NOW. If I don't, he gets a major attitude. I recently started saying "I can't do it right now, I'm in the middle of ____" and he gets an attitude. Sometimes he'll do this when I'm in the bathroom. "You never want to help me!" he complains. Because I told him one time out of 10, I can't do it this minute.

If I try to explain something, or he doesn't want to hear it, he shouts me down and tells me "I don't want to hear that". Lines of communiction have been dynamited. Even if I try later, he WILL NOT HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

I have my flaws. I can be judgemental. I'm occasionally lazy. I'm disorganized and I'd rather go to a dollar store than clean the house. I don't ever believe "I am so wonderful, and he's a jerk."

I have my flaws, and he has his. His are COMPOUNDED by the brain damage. He will occasionally shout profanities at me, in public, when other people are around if he gets upset. He got violent with me on more than one occasion (last time I left him for over a week - woke his butt up - and he's never touched me since). Once he slapped me at work, and I turned around, walked away, and came back.

"YOU WILL NOT HIT ME" I shouted as I slapped him back. He never did that again.

If he gets "that" upset, I will walk away. I get very angry that I HAVE to walk away, to protect myself.

It wasn't until 2007 that I got him to stop calling me a B when he was angry.

I feel like I can't share what's going on in my head. He gets angry when he hears about my illness and starts raving about God is an expletive.

AGGGGH.

People always act like "Oh, you've never been able to drive? Oh, that's terrible!" I try to keep it light, but I don't need people telling me that! Yes, it sucks to be me, can we PLEASE change the subject?!?

Or my favorite "Nothing's wrong with you. You're fine. You can't let people limit you with labels." You have NO IDEA how hard I have worked to seem so normal. NO IDEA. For you to come along and denigrate my disability is INSULTING. It's like telling someone in a wheelchair. "You can walk, just get up."

Yeah, I have a lot to be angry about - now I need to figure out how I'm going to deal with it.

[Houston Heather]

Still pretty down on myself - even after a nap.

God, sometimes I hate my illness. Why can't I have a normal day without these MOODS hijacking my brain?(unfortunate analogy for today)

[Houston Heather]

I'm going to try to upgrade my operating system.

I don't know what it might to do my PC - but in case I'm "gone" - I didn't want anyone to worry.

"Heather was depressed, and she hasn't posted?"

I forgot I need to STAY BUSY - do things I love. Be KIND to myself.

Damnit, I'm going to make a list - what to do when I'm getting depressed.

[Houston Heather]

I need to take it to the computer doc.

[Snowman]

{{{HUGS}}}

[Houston Heather]

Well, the lithium has me in a happier place now. I'm really tired and worn out from the internal battle. UGH.

I might go to a tearoom tomorrow. I think that would be fun if I can figure out how to work a couple of bunless burgers into the equation.

[karenb]

How is your garden doing? Has it been swept away by all the rain. There for a long time you posted about it and how happy it made you. When I got deeply depressed when my Dad died, this was before all these SSR' or is it SSI? Anyway the shrink said the best thing I could do was go exercies. I swear I must of walked a 1000 miles that first month! and at all times of day or night! I had a small hand gun I carried at night. Only once did it get scarry some guy driving a pick up and looking angry saw me then turned around and came backbut I was hiding in the dark when he came back! Exercise had a way of taming the demons and alowing me the get to a place where I can think. I need to start walking again. There's things I need to think about and I need the exercise!

Mom's birthday was Thurs, she was 94! Her favorite sister and my cousin came down, she's a hoot, always just bubbling and up. Droping her off at the air port was hard, I miss my relatives in Iowa so much and we're 800 miles away. My aunt and cousin are so much like Mom and I in how we think and do things it's uncanny! I had asked my aunt to come down because Mom has lost some ground physically this year and I wanted my aunt to know.

[Houston Heather]

Well, they have SSRI'S and SSNRI's now - but since the lexapro (first category) almost killed me last month I don't touch them!

Go Karen! I have a great-aunt (grandma's sis) in her late 80's. Grandma only died because, about 30 years ago, she was walking down a flight of stairs with her newborn grandson. She fell, and twisted herself to protect him, injuring her back. Eventually the back got bad enough she needed surgery, had complications. She knew it was her time, though. Jimmy is a lawyer now. So she did a good job protecting his little brain! I am sure she is up in Heaven with Frosty in her lap right now, smiling at me. She finally moved from the second floor to the first, and kept exclaiming how easy it was - how she wished she had done it ages ago. She also had a lovely Latina lady in to help, and after she "graduated" my great-aunt hired her.

In my family, if the heart attack doesn't get you, and you keep your weight down, you'll live a LONG TIME. Ron's family too.

When I go out in the garden, the hives get REALLY mad for some reason. It's been very hot so I couldn't wear long pants and sneakers comfortably. The good news, we're in our fall weather pattern of 70/80. Once it dries up I need to go out there and MOW! All the rain is making the bermuda-weed wild. The plants are doing great - a typical example is my eggplant, with fruit hanging off of it. I'll throw the non-seedy clippings in the compost bin, along with my stash of tea leaves and such.

The biggest thing I did yesterday was up my lithium. I had a nice heavy whipping cream hot chocolate - a little carby but it didn't hurt my weight any. It was an extremely decadent TREAT - not a regular indulgence, and helped a lot.

I had planned to maybe go to a tearoom but traffic in the rain , plus I can't wear sneakers - hives and rain; so I'd have to wear water shoes which don't offer much support. I got more of Doctor V's miracle cream so I know I'll whack those hives in another week or so. I'm just glad I HAVE skin.

The nice thing about the bus, Karen, is that when I have a Day Out I have to walk at least 1/2 mile to the bus stop, and half a mile home. Then, when I get off at the bus stop, I have to walk to my destination from there. The whole Tearoom trip will probably be a couple of miles total. I also have to carry anything I buy, and my backpack.

It's very important to get out and do something, or stay in and do something. I plan to do some housework today - that's bound to make me feel brighter when I'm done. I did a lot of picking up when I was manic but my home can always use work!

My sausage is ready, I'm going to eat it and GET MORE LITHIUM down the hatch. I tend to be very cheerful in the morning, and get kicked in the head with the depression later on. "Atypical depression". ACK.

One easy thing I'll be doing today - music.

[Houston Heather]

Well -shudder- I'm glad I took an extra lithium today. Walmart, on a Saturday afternoon. The Pharmacy.

I don't know what they pay those poor employees, but it isn't enough. Absolute mayhem, long lines, lots of people complaining angrily, like THAT ever does any good .

I was so glad to get out of there! Fortunately, our pickup driver was late.

When she pulled up and rolled her window down, I leaned in and asked "Did they curse you with us?" She laughed and said yes, how many bags did I have? Many, many clients take advantage.

I laughed again and said ONE! I got Ron, and put him in. I thanked her for being late. "I could NOT have gotten my medicine otherwise!" She smiled and laughed "No one ever thanks me for being late!" I said I was very glad she was late. We offered to buy her dinner but she said no .

Shockingly, we had a STRAIGHT trip home. "Hell has frozen over!" I exclaimed.

So, I got my pills. Ron got his. Yay. I had a sausage on a stick for dinner.

[Houston Heather]

I was on another website. I made a comment. One sentence, blown completely out of proportion: Because I said Jesus is having a talk with the dead abortion protester, I must have supported his murder. I must have wanted him dead.

Uh, no. I then clarified and said this man was not acting in a Biblical manner and he shamed Jesus. No one should commit murder, and it is unfortunate that someone did because he will become a holy martyr now.



I don't believe in abortion myself, but I believe every woman has a right to a safe, sterile, and medical abortion. The law also agrees. I support the law, and a woman's right. You all know I have said that I would rather a drinking woman get an abortion than have an FAS child, because being FAS is very, very, painful and 1/3 of us end up bipolar ALSO. A very heavy load - I would consider it a mercy killing.

Anyway, now maybe I can take off the Kevlar.

[Houston Heather]

Nah, got flamed a bit still. Oh, well... keeps me humble.

Slept late and woke up with a HORRIBLE headache. I need to ask about that. Maybe I was just dehydrated, but I don't like popping Tylenol every morning - ever since I read about asprin allergies I've been avoiding it.

Ron is STILL willing to go to a teahouse! I am shocked. My love language is Quality time... so that's a perfect "gift" for me. The tea prices are very reasonable, too. I can get us each a nice pot of tea, buy myself some nice dry tea leaf blends, and maybe a teaball.

I told Ron a bag of tea would make a great gift, and very affordable too (less than $10). I'll leave him at the counter to pick something out with the owner - she is very knowledgable and once I order my stuff she'll have a good idea what I'd like. Then, Sept 22, Happy Birthday, he can trot out a very affordable gift I'll love and enjoy.

I'm into tea this year. I sent out an incredibly tacky email to the family who get me presents, suggesting they pick me a up a box of tea if they want to get me a gift. Hey, I have brain damage. I can always use that as an excuse.

One thing I need to do and I haven't. Juicy Heather gossip:
My parents had been married for several years when I was born. They had had several miscarriages, my older brother died from a head cold, and 2 years later I was born. My mother was so "Ill" she couldn't care for me.

When my parents divorced, my Mother surrendered custody and took a greatly reduced cut of the assets to provide for "child support". Dad was a single parent for about 2 years.

He got involved in Parents without Partners, and has only good things to say about them. He used to have parties in our basement. One day they had a picnic. He saw a young, single, mother with red hair. She had an 8 year old, a 5 year old, and an infant. He offered to help her as she struggled to open the portable crib for the baby.

She smiled at him and that was it for Dad... BOOM. He said it took a while to get a date, and Mom says she had a hard time believing a guy would sign up for 3 more kids, including a baby, when he already had his own. What is rarely if ever said, but well known, is that I was very traumatized at the time.

My own mother had been very neglectful (though no fault of her own). My sister had done a great job of mothering me, but I wasn't her baby and she graduated from high school and moved on. I even lost my cat because Dad hated cats and the cat reminded him of my mother. He did buy me a toy stuffed cat - in his own defense.

Daycare (with the female, Black, owner - who really set the bar for me. I just assume all Black women are awesome.) was probably the only stable thing in my life at the time. But here's this little tiny thing (I was pretty malnourished and low-percentile) in the huge coke bottle glasses, with the horrible eyepatch and constant pinkeye infections, screaming in terror at almost anything, regular meltdowns, a hell of a lot of work.

When Dad does talk about the early years, he says I was even terrified of fallen leaves blowing in the wind, but after he remarried I really blossomed. I was very clingy. I got migraines, etc.

Anyway, I just figured that was "her job", if I thought about it at all. She told me many, many times that she would love to legally adopt me, but it would be a terrible blow to my birth mother. Since Dad was gone a lot it fell on her to be the disciplinarian. I really appreciated that!

When I had problems with the "audio" aspect of learning long division, she sat at the kitchen table and wrote out every step for me, again and again, until I got it. She taught me how to cook, gardening, and needlework - to name a few!

When I hit about 10 or so, the bipolar became very apparent. I began developing horrible depressions that would kill anyone. I remember Mom working in her garden and talking to me about depression. Sometimes it came for no reason; and sometimes it came because a person had something sad happen.

The medication caused me to become suicidal - if you've ever heard those ads "May increase the risk of suicide in childrens and teens" - I'm a part of that warning. I had a plan and everything, I would have done it, but at the last moment I threw myself on Jesus and begged him to help me. That night, I was covered in a blanket of love and told to tell my guidance counselor about my plan. Boy, did his eyes bug out when I told him!

The "experts" didn't know I had bipolar disorder - I hope to God one day we can have a blood test - so they kept me on double dose of antidepressants. I became anorexic and Mom had to become my nutritionist. Prozac just took out my appetite and killed it.

I began developing clear, intense, manias. Even MOM was worried about me, and begged the doctors to test me for bipolar. My own birth mother was convinced of same - a mother's instinct is really true in some cases. Wow, they could have saved me 20 years of pain if some "expert" had just listened!

The manias led to shoplifting and other "antisocial" behaviors. Solution? But Heather in special ed. That led to another intense depression. Mom talked me through it "It's just a label, Heather, don't let it define you."

The day after I turned 18, I ran off with Ron. I began developing more delusional and paranoid manias. I said some really unforgivable things.

After my diagnosis, I don't recall ANY family member being very surprised, they all kind of held their breath as I got my legs under me with medication.

Everyone loves the person I am now, and amazingly, they still take my calls!

I have decided to cut and paste this and send it to Mom. The reason I started this - I was referring to her on a message board as "My Adoptive Mom" (I don't want them thinking she's the one who drank-while-pregnant). It's not much, but I am happy to give her that.



Edit: Cut, pasted, and emailed.

[Houston Heather]

I tend, due to the FAS, to have problems categorizing and organizing. Especially things.

Ron tends to run very tidy and organized. He's never take the love language thing but his is acts of service. So, he has told me, he finds a messy house very painful and upsetting.

Oh, boy. Not a good pairing! He used to threaten to throw me out, he'd get so angry. Now he calls me his snail because "I leave trails everywhere I go". Case in point, our computer room is about 10 x 12 feet. I "got" one corner cleaned and sorted out, throwing out things like a t-shirt Frosty liked to sleep on. It is stained and unwearable. Tubes of expired prescription creams from Ron's hospitalization in 2003, etc. So far, I've filled a large trash bag.

I think the hardest part, for me, is giving myself permission to throw it out. It's fairly hard for me to take each little item and say "This will go here, and that will go there", too. I try to have categories. Dirty dishes. Trash. Craft items. Clothing to be washed. And old torn sheet became "rags" as I cut it up, eliminating the shredded part. But what about the sneakers I wore in my half marathon? I have photos, the outfit, my race number, the program, and my medal. I don't "need" the shoes. They're getting put in a bus shelter for the homeless guys to find. It takes a couple of minutes to reach the decision, and that's just one item. It can be exhausting.

I tended to, during the occasional mania, go on a bender of cleaning and organizing. I'd throw out things I really wanted and keep things I didn't need. Then I'd go back to normal, the house would go to hell, and Ron would angrily say "I KNEW you couldn't keep it up! Why do you bother?"

I got a good couple hours of work done, did 2 loads of laundry (that will be folded and hung tonight), and one load that I'll dry tomorrow. I changed the bedding and made the loveseat more comfortable by adding a Euro pillow from my bedroom.

I put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher. I will not be doing the dirty dishes tonight, not enough time. I still need to organize all the clothes I took out of my dresser and washed after I got sick last month - I didn't put them back in sock drawer, underwear drawer, etc. It's a hassle digging through the baskets every day.

As time goes by, I realize the Lexapro had me so groggy I couldn't even think about this. I'll get it, but it'll take a while.

[skeopple]

I'm so glad you got diagnosed and treated, Heather! And glad you are so intelligent to figure the rest out. You are so awesome. A lot of people have unorganized homes and spouses that don't like it. We all get by. There's worse things. You're on a roll and doing good!

[Houston Heather]

Oh, if I hadn't have been diagnosed I most likely would have been dead by 2007.

That's why, no matter what the medication throws at me (today: SEVERE nausea), no matter if it KILLS me, I've gotten years of wonderful living out of it. I never, ever, allow myself to forget it.

Last night I got 1.5 big bags of trash. Today I threw out another half bag of junk mail and old catalogs (I get everything from yarn to seed catalogs).

First of all, we got up at 4-something (I try not to look ) and went to work. We got our donuts and Ron said I was "A big help". I talked to Hot Legs, did the pull, helped Ron...

When I went to take the money out of the coffee machine, (I tried to find a photo) I couldn't open the door. I looked inside the machine and saw a long, 2 foot tube of cups hanging down into the mechanism. They were jammed into the chute. If I hadn't looked, if RON had opened it, we could have easily broken the machine to the tune of $$$$. I ended up pushing the whole tube of cups upward into the machine, as I opened the door (You have to be part octopus to be a good vendor), and taking them out. I then moved them OVER because I didn't know what was wrong.

I then told Ron "You have a problem with the large cups". Rather than tell him, or try, which is really hard for me to articulate a word photo - quite easy for me to type it, though - I said (moving his hand as I spoke) "This was hanging down to here and jammed in there. I then repeated what I had said about getting the door open.

I went back in the stockroom (I had collected all the money by now), and turned on my tunes as I counted the money by hand. Ron came and tapped on the door.

I opened it. "I put small cups in the large compartment." Ooops! I told Ron "The Boss" - Ron of course - would GET him. We had a good laugh together.

I said "Hey, Hot Legs! You won't believe what Hot Wheels did!" [Hot wheels is one of my nicknames for Ron - I only call him Ron when I'm mad, or blogging ] Ron rolled over in his chair and related the whole story.

Hot Legs was having a rough day. His lap band needs a tune up - it's too tight and he hasn't been able to eat for a few days. I mean, nothing. Poor guy! He's getting it fixed. He kept repeating, kind of like I do, that he'd much rather be pukey than sick and fat (his words - high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes led him to surgery).

It's sure worked for HIM. I'm proud of him. He's done a great job. He looks great and he lost over 100 pounds. He even said he only has one small area of hanging skin on his lower belly, and since it doesn't bother his wife he doesn't care either. Then he offered to show it to me!

In many offices, our back and forth repartee would be considered "harrassment".

So, after work, we went to the bank and made our deposit. [horrible belch] Then we came home. We got takeout Burger King on the way home, but don't ask how.

After eating, I realized I was very hyper, and very tired. I took a small lithium (150 mg) and laid down. I had weird mania dreams - I am a little mixed, I can tell. Up and down at the same time. I needed the nap, which I did get.

I told Ron, it's nice to know I can sleep for an hour or so now, instead of 4 hours. When I need a nap, which is also a lot less often than a few months ago. Yay hives! I would never have stopped my Lexapro unless I had an extreme reaction, and I'll only stop the lithium when I'm dead.

I woke up. I wanted to go shopping for tea - I am apparently manic for tea right now. I decided to go to my not-my-favorite grocery store. I will call it NMF.

There are two within about 5 miles of the house. My sister considers them high-end, but we always lived in low-income neighborhoods in Houston. NMF always had iffy bathrooms, and at one near my home I was furious to discover lots of out of code dairy products on the shelf. When I tried to bring it to the attention of the dairy manager, he got angry.

Then, after Hurricane Rita, we lost power for about 12 hours. So did NMF, and the next day they were selling meat while Walmart was throwing theirs away! MEAT THAT HAS BEEN WELL INTO THE DANGER ZONE AND IS ILLEGAL TO SELL! I was furious and swore I'd never shop there again.

We used to buy Metrolift passes there, but I was delighted when Ron got his annual. I said to myself "I'll never even have to walk in the door, thank God!".

As I've expanded out onto the bus system, I realized an NMF was easily located from my bus line. From now on we'll say I take the "22". So, it's right at the 22.

I decided, OK, I'll give it a try, and walked in one day. I wasn't impressed.

I went in today. I swear, the recession has the store TERRIFIED! It was all about kissing Heather's Butt! I kept falling over people who offered to help. No, I'm OK.

They had a huge, extensive selection of teas. I wanted some variety in decaf especially. They had about 9 flavors I purchased. As I was looking at the teas, I was bad, I'd left my cart in the middle of the aisle.

I heard an electric motor and saw a man in the store scooter. I moved my cart. We got to chatting. I told him how I've got Ron "waving" at people. He showed me his TENS unit leading to his back, that poor man is in constant agony, you could tell just by watching him move and looking at his face.

Anyway, he ended up telling me his Dad and his Grandfather were child molesters; he wasn't, he found it revolting. I agreed that it was revolting, and he mentioned having kids. I said "I hope you kept the kids away from them" and he said yeah, he told the bad guys he'd kill them if they came near his kids. Way to go!

Afterward, he rolled off to dairy and I called Ron. I told him. "You make people want to open up to you, Heather. You have a very loving and compassionate spirit."

I wrapped up my shopping and checked up. Boy, NMF sure kissed MY butt. I found it a bit alarming, their sales must suck! They even sent someone over to help me - I had my canvas bags and the plastic bags. I was stuffing the teas into my canvas while keeping the plastic wrapper intact. Someone actually came over and held a bag while I jammed the other bag into it. Huh.

The clouds looked pretty grim, and even manic I figured 9 decaf teas were enough. I had a couple different flavors already and they're GOOD! Antioxidants + decaf + tasty + lots of fluid intake = awesome.

Now I plan to fry up some sweet potato fries. I'm queasy enough that I figure some fries + cut up cheese + maybe a sausage or two will work, but it's going to be awfully uncomfortable 'till then.

But so much better than being sick - I had plenty of time after diagnosis to think about what medication would mean to me (diagnosed Sept 1, saw doc and began treatment Nov 3). Two months of being sick, hoping, begging, and praying for medication. Reading the lists of side effects again and again and DECIDING that Lithium would be the best.

When I went in, I told the doc, "I want to start on Lithium" and he said "OK". I knew just what I was signing up for.

You know what's weird, though? I can't ever donate an organ (or part of an organ like my liver) because I have "mental illness" I wonder if I could be a marrow donor? They're sure happy to get my blood!

Which I need to do, soon.