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Old 02-23-2008, 01:30 AM   #1
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THROUGH THE EYES OF A BULIMIC

[COLOR=black]I had to start a new journal....again. After taking some time to fully think about my weight loss struggles, I came to the conclusion that I just had to be honest with myself. In my previous journals I was not honest, I never addressed what needed to be addressed. I was in denial about my truth, thinking that if I did not write about it than it simply was not true. Oh if only it were that simple. So here it goes, my truth, it is not pretty, quite embarrassing at times, but for my own recovery process, I just need to say it. I am a bulimic, I have been making myself throw up for the past 15 years...and now it needs to stop.[/COLOR]


I have ALWAYS had issues with my weight, always! I was never the skinny girl, I was never the pretty girl, I was the kid who was always picked last for all the P.E. activities in school. I have always been shy, and have pretty much always kept to myself, not by choice, it just seemed no one ever wanted to be my friend.

My parents divorced when I was young, I think I was around the age of 5, but do not hold me to that. I am sure some people will say "Oh thats it, thats where it all started" trust me, soooooo not the case. I have no idea why my parents even got married, all they did was fight (from what I hear) I have no memory of their marriage, and that is probably for the best. They both went on to marry better people.

I was living with my mother for quite some time after the divorce. When her and my second step father started to fight, it was time for my sister and I to go live with my Dad and new step mom, this would later be the best thing we could have ever done. Going to live with my dad meant a new school, I was in the 6th grade transfered about half way through. In my new class there was a student who was missing, she was out due to what everyone kept calling an eating disorder, called anorexia. I had no clue what that was, but talking to the other students I was quickly informed. Gretchen was what one would call pleasantly plump, but for reasons no one will probably ever know, she just decided to one day stop eating. I saw the before and after pictures of her and was amazed, I was so envious that she lost so much weight Ihad to know her "tricks". When she returned to school, I some how worked my nerve up to ask her how she did it. Gretchen told me everything she could, not knowing that this would be my first introduction to what I have come to call my new best friend...bulimia.
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Old 02-23-2008, 01:58 AM   #2
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Feb. 23,2008

Weight~~190

Hips~~47

Waist~~46

Upper Arm~~13

Upper Thigh~~26 (Sheesh...thats what my waist needs to be!)

Chest~~44

Goals~~ I really do not want to put a number on weight, that always gets me in trouble, so lets do this in 10 pound incriments. FOR NOW, my goal weight is 180

Goal Size~~10 (FOR NOW)


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Old 02-23-2008, 03:44 PM   #3
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Hi Jennifer,
I applaud you for stepping out and being so forthright about what you've been through and still probably going through.

Any disorder is not easy to admit too and for you to do this is just so admirable!

I pray that God will give you the strength, wisdom and knowledge in dealing with this.

God Bless you!
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Old 02-23-2008, 05:00 PM   #4
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Thank you Diana! All day today I had doubts about writing about it, but "something" told me to just let it go. Thank you for your prayers..very much appreciated (and needed!!)
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Old 02-23-2008, 05:10 PM   #5
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I ended up trying to skip meals, not eat, just eat small amounts..that was not happening. I love food too much. Then one day, in the 7th grade, I saw one of those after school specials on girls with eating disorders...mainly bulimia. They would pig out on all kind of good food, then go to the bathroom, stick the toothbrush down their throat and throw up. This was heaven to me. I never once thought it was wrong, or I could really hurt myself. This was everything I was looking for, I could have my cake and eat it too (pun intended). Usually how it would work was after we as a family went out to eat, I would come home to "shower" then just make myself throw up. With the shower going, no one could hear what I was doing.

One day we were all at our churches softball game and a friend on my moms (step mom) looked at me and said "Your teeth are yellow, whats going on?" Of course I played it off, thats what I am good at, thats what I did best, I kept my secret hidden...bulimia was mine and mine alone and for the time being, I enjoyed it that way.

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Old 02-23-2008, 05:31 PM   #6
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Jennifer . . . I look forward to reading your new journal. Have you ever had professional help with the bulimia? It's a hard battle to fight, I know.
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Old 02-23-2008, 05:48 PM   #7
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Hi Mandy.........I have never had professional help, thats obvious huh? )...a bit further into the "My Story" portion of my journal I end up telling my Mom about what I was doing, it did not go over too well, it was my fault for "doing this to her" blahblah blah you get the point. For me, and this is just for me....When I am strict with Atkins, keep up w/ prayer and bible reading, or pregnant, I am fine with not throwing up...........but it is just a never ending roller coaster ride most of the time.
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Old 02-23-2008, 07:57 PM   #8
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Jennifer I look forward to reading more of the story. Is getting some help an option for you? It could make your life a lot easier. Therapy and/or meds can make a world of difference. You don't have to fight it totally on your own. I don't think Atkins plus prayer are going to cure it for you totally, you know? And you can't stay pregnant all the time!

A few years back I got very enthralled with eating disorders and developed some fairly dysfunctional eating behaviors myself . . . not bad enough to constitute a "disorder" and it got better as I matured and came to like myself better. But I understand the attraction.
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Old 02-23-2008, 08:33 PM   #9
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Oh God knows I can not be pregnant all the time!! I had my tubes tied after my last baby (one yr ago)

As far as me getting help, I honestly do not know. I have been dealing w/ this for 15-16 years now...obviously what I am doing is not working, but insurances do not always cover therapy. Right now, I am just trying to take it day to day, and sometimes not even that, hour to hour, min. to min.
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Old 02-23-2008, 09:32 PM   #10
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~The Beginning~

I come from a good church going family. Even though we have our issues, I am sure we are no different than the "average" American family. Although I never did well in school, I had always wanted to have a career for myself, never wanted kids early on, and never wanted to get married. Well........the exact opposite happened. I met a guy at 16, married at 17, pregnant at 18, divorced at 25. I had never had any boyfriends, no guys would ever look at me. My sister "the pretty one" (you know what I mean, we all have them) had all the guys. She was the fun, pretty, out going one, SKINNY one and I was the shy, ugly, FAT one. Thats how I saw it, and thats what I believed. When this guy came along, I thought this was my one and only chance to try to make something out of nothing work. I was young, stupid and way too trusting. I believed everything he told me, and in the ned just looked like the biggest fool. My "husband" and my sisters husband would always go out while we were home with the kids. It was brought to our attention that the guys were visiting strip clubs, I was livid.......when I asked him about it all he would tell me was "No no no you know I am not into that, we did go but I waited in the car" Yes folks....can you believe I actually trusted him on that one?!?!?!?!?! I mean how dumb can I be?? This went on for a few months, they kept going, I kept believing he waited in the car, then one day his sister came over and "let it slip" that he has never once waited in the car. I was crushed...what was wrong with me? Was I not pretty enough? Was I not skinny enough? Instead of putting the blame where it should have gone, I took it all (and then some) I kept telling myself if he were attracted to me then he would not have gone. If I was skinny like my sister he would have stayed home (even though her husband went too) and that night, I could not sleep, I could not let it go, I had to find something to fix the pain. There was a plater of soft tacos in the fridge and that was all I needed.l I ate every last one in the span of 8 min. I felt bloated and even more grotesque then before...and thats when it hit me, all I had to do was go throw up.....and when I did, I felt so much better. I was not hurting, I did not think of anything else, I somehow was able to let it all go for the moment.....it did not last long, that night was the start of a long journey that I never in a million years saw myself taking.
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Old 02-24-2008, 12:40 PM   #11
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Sunday 2/24/08

TOM is here....a little late but here. I never weigh during TOM, but I am very lucky in the sense that TOM never stays long, by friday I should be good to weigh...my small goal that is very much reachable is to be in the 180's by friday.

I also plan to do some form of excerise every day this week (and chasing the kids does not count) I bought one of those minnie steppers, keeps track of your steps , really cute...so I will start out by atleast doing that tonight.
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Old 02-24-2008, 01:02 PM   #12
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~~Pizza Night

During the early years of my sister and I each being married, it was hard. She got married and pregnant even earlier than I did...15. Our kids are 5 months apart...back then we lived in the same apartment complex together and were lucky enough to see eachother every day. Here we are just barely 21 married and raising two year olds. The "husbands" worked swing shift at the local factory....impressive isnt it?

The 4-12 shift was my favorite. We were always fighting, he was alway drinking or getting high, never telling me the truth. On this shift I hardly saw him...3:30 we would go to my sisters, the guys would leave for work while we hung out. When they got off from work...assuming they came straight home, I was already asleep....there was no time to fight, but the best part for me was the food. Shocker I know.

Carolyn, my sister, is one of those girls that we all love to hate...petite, skinny, and can eat ANYTHING and never game weight. I can look at a cupcake and it goes straight to my thighs. We are Italian girls....love our food, must have our food. As soon as the guys left for work Carolyn and I would usually run our errands together, come back to her house and order pizza from the place that had the best special. I would always order two large.......just so I would not have to cook later, yeah right! We would sit together watching our shows....back then I think it was "Melrose Place", eat our pizza with the kids, then an hour or two before the guys were due home, I would go home and eat the entire second pizza by myself. I had to make sure I gave myself plenty of time to eat, drink plenty of liquids, the food comes up easier that way, and a good 30 min to make it all happen. I had it all down perfectly, my routine never changed. If it did, it was only McDonalds instead of pizza. Carolyn never knew what I was doing, no one knew. I loved the way the food made me feel, then throwing it back up was an even bigger high....in hindsight, I imagine it is the same kind of high a drug addict may feel once they "take a hit" of whatever it is they do. I felt good, I felt like I could eat what I wanted and never gain weight.............the only problem was....I was not losing any weight.
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Old 02-25-2008, 06:04 AM   #13
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Hey Girl

Hey Giants32, I am totally new to this site. Actually, lately i've been looking at different things on the website, but when i read your story iw as more compelled to register so that i could respond to your story. I for the first time actually don't feel like a crazy person who is all alone with such a battle. I have done ( and still do) some of the things that you have. Not always, sometimes I eat a normal, healthy meal and have no problem, but when no ones looking, sometimes I binge and then purge. I'm not really sure when this all started, but I cant seem to stop. Now I have an even bigger problem. Now I try to eat onAtkins and then binge on junk, purge, and then go back to eating low carb. Which obviously will back fire with spiking my blood sugar like that. I haven't sought out any help for this because i feel like such a jerk, because really, how can someone who is 5'6" and 220 lbs have an eating disorder!?!? I am a mom to a 20 month old, have a completely clueless yet supportive husband, and I am a nurse. Any words of advice? I'm trying but it seems like my world is filled with "skinny sisters." Im kind of alone in this battle and for the first time in a long, long time i'm trying to get a grip on my issues. Also, i think that you are a brave, beautiful woman!! Just look at your pics! You are gorgeous.
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:24 AM   #14
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Hi Steph! First of all thank you for reading my journal, and thank you for your encouraging words.....I must say I had a good laugh over your quote "I have a completely cluless yet supportive husband", Me too!!! I am on my second marriage ( I will write more about that later in "My Story") he is great, but honestly has no idea what I do, and really what an eating disorder is. Honestly, in my case, I think telling my husband right now would just put so much pressure on him, I can not do that just yet ya know??

As far as advice for you......first, do you know what sets off your binges? Is it stress, or just the addiction to food/sugar/carbs? It could be both? I am learning what sets me off......STRESS is a huge factor for me, but then I have an unhealthy fear of being "fat". Again...like you said though, I am 5'7 and 190...no one would ever look at me and say "oh she has an eating disorder" thats how I am able to hide it, and do the things I do.

I hope you keep coming back to read...this really is a great site, and I am sure somewhere on here you will find the help you need...this site gave me the strength to slowly come out with my story, and just getting it out, the truth of it all really helps....all in baby steps!!
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Old 02-25-2008, 09:39 AM   #15
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Jennifer, please consider at least talking to your regular doctor about the bulimia. I know insurance can be squirrelly about covering mental health stuff, but your doctor really should know about the bulimia and can help you find care that you can afford. As you know bulimia is really rough on your body and 15 years is a long time. Most physicians are aware that bulimics are often normal weight or overweight, and they take seriously the damage you are doing to your teeth, esophagus and electrolyte levels. I know it feels like you've been doing this for years and you haven't died yet, but it could bite you in the butt any time. Remember Terry Schiavo . . .
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Old 02-25-2008, 11:55 AM   #16
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Hi Mandy.....
When I was pregnant with my youngest song (he is 7) I told my OBGYN about the bulimia, all he told me was the baby was fine. He did not offer any suggestions as to me getting help, so I let it go, thinking that if my DR. was not concerned that why should I be. Then in 2004 I was pregnant again and deided to just keep things to myself. In 2006 I had one of my back teeth that "broke", I went to the dentist, thinking that if they saw anything wrong or had any concerns then they would bring it to my attention...nothing. The last time I saw my dentist was about 5 months ago...same thing, so I just let it go. I do not have a regular DR (in the process of finding one now) I just have my OBGYN (a different one from when I was pregnant with my 7yr old) I think I am due for a checkup?? The baby just turned 1, so I do think it is time I go back...I will see about talking to him, but honestly, just really unsure.
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Old 02-25-2008, 01:06 PM   #17
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~~Maybe I Do Have A Problem


The first time that I knew that I had a problem , that maybe I really needed some help was back in 96-97. My son was about 3 years old,living in a tiny one bedroom apartment, still in a miserable marriage. I kept having my "Pizza Nights" with my sister, along with numerous binge and purges during the day. One time in particular, my son was down for his nap, I thought it was a good time to "do my thing" I sat in front of the t.v, just like I always do, found a good show to watch and stuffed myself till I could barely move with Ben and Jerrys, New York Super Fudge ice cream. I headed to the bathroom to make it all come up again. Ice cream is one of those foods that is very very hard to come back up, it is just heavy, and you really have to "work" at it if you want it all out. Halfway through my purging my son knocked on the door crying...apparently my gaging had woken him up from his nap. I told him I was okay, I would be out in a minute, he kept crying, and I could not get up, I had to make sure I had finished, I had to make sure I had gotten rid of all the ice cream. That was such a low point for me, after I finished and cleaned myself up, I realized that I had picked food, or the fear of food, over my two year old, and that was the moment I decided I had to atleast tell my sister what was going on with me.
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Old 02-25-2008, 01:27 PM   #18
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Wow, I can't believe your OB didn't express more concern about your eating disorder! Maybe he was an old-school type? Sometimes they think that unless you're 67 pounds an eating disorder isn't really harmful. How's your current OB? Does he/she seem more empathetic with your concerns in general? OBs often serve as primary care physicians for otherwise healthy women, so they really SHOULD know something about eating disorders and take them seriously. If your baby is a year old it's a great time to go back for an exam and bring this up.

And you know, your dentist may not have picked up on the bulimia, but the reason that tooth broke was probably the acid exposure. Not good.

I don't mean to be pushy or a busybody, but I AM a nurse, and I know a little bit about eating disorders. So your story really worries me. The thing is, you are ready to stop and get help! A lot of times people don't WANT to give up their disorders, so treatment isn't really effective. You have the desire and drive to do it, and of course you have the additional motivation of being healthy for your kids and setting a good example. So now would be a great time to seek help.

Another source of help could be your minister or priest, if you are comfortable. They have training in counseling and can help you find resources in the community.
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Old 02-25-2008, 03:22 PM   #19
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Mandy......You are right, both my OBGYN's are total "old school" they are great, and my current OBGYN hoinest to God save my daughters life, but he is very old fashioned. )
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Old 02-26-2008, 01:10 PM   #20
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[COLOR=red]TODAY....[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#ff0000]TUESDAY FEB. 26[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#ff0000]The game plan for today is clean induction. I get so inspired reading other journals where there are not any cheats, and if there are....most people do not allow it to freak them out. When I have a cheat, I give myself the excuse "may as well make the best of it". One clean day of induction is what I am shooting for today. Have not weighed in, TOM, still plan to weigh in on friday with the hopes that I am somewhere in the 180's....I will be okay with 189, I just have to get out of the 190's.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#ff0000]I also have a lot to do around the house...laundry day..ugh!! Be back later to report my menus and write.[/COLOR]
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Old 02-26-2008, 02:39 PM   #21
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Hi Jennifer!

Your attitude sounds really good! That makes all the difference in what and how we choose to this woe.

I know you're going to be okay and that with God, nothing is impossible!

Have a wonderful day Sweetie!!!
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Old 02-26-2008, 04:31 PM   #22
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Jen - well, if your OB is not receptive, it's a great time to find a primary care doctor, preferably youngish and female to maximize the chance of her "getting" it.

I do the same thing with cheating - I figure the day is blown and I might as well dig into the junk food. Definitely take Induction a day at a time and if you screw up, get back on plan ASAP. I felt so proud when I finally completed my two weeks cheat-free! And now that I'm seeing some great loss I'm feeling highly motivated to continue. You can do it!
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Old 02-26-2008, 06:30 PM   #23
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[COLOR=red]Mandy...[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#ff0000]When I screw up on induction I screw up by throwing up....today has been soooo hard I have come close so many times to just saying forget about it, lets binge and purge. This sucks!![/COLOR]

[COLOR=#ff0000]There are some really off the wall comments regarding eating disorder on a thread in the main room or whatever it is...not a happy camper about that!![/COLOR]

[COLOR=#ff0000]Just praying to get through the rest of the evening without any mess ups.[/COLOR]
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Old 02-26-2008, 06:39 PM   #24
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Yeah, that thread has a few really irritating comments in it! I can't believe someone thinks you can just will an eating disorder away. So ignorant. Please try not to let it get to you.

Only a few more hours to this evening, you can make it through! Are you eating enough to keep cravings at bay?
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Old 02-26-2008, 06:41 PM   #25
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Well...I have had two Atkins bars today.....usually if any, I just have one,if Ihad not eaten it though I know I would have went to the store bought cake and ice cream stuffed myself solid then thrown it all up...;so I figure having two Atkins bars was the lesser of two evils.......ALso had an Atkins shake and bacon and eggs so about 10 carbs for today...so far.
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Old 02-26-2008, 07:07 PM   #26
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I am back out here again after being away for a while and reading your journal has me sitting at work crying. I am a 455lb tattooed guy with bleach blond spikes who most people here are afraid of. You are fricking blowing my cover lady.

Honestly though thank you so much for sharing such deep things. I never read your original journal and I am amazed at how open you are being here I hope it is of some help to you to be this open. So you know it has helped me greatly. I am not bulemic as I would be afraid to make myself sick but I definatly have an eating disored (note I said I weigh 455lbs) I have weighed as much as 488lbs. I was really depressed as It took me 8 weeks to lose 8lbs and I gained them all back in one week of vacationing.

After reading your journal I realized I am right where I need to be and that I too need to get honest and keep it that way in order to have any real success at this thanks for sharing and GOd Bless YOU

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Old 02-26-2008, 07:26 PM   #27
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Hi Brad....Thanks you for taking the time to read my journal ,especially while your at work ), I hope it does help. Being so honest has helped me, a little, so if it can help someone else, that makes it better.

I almost feel as if I am going through withdrawl today, I am high strung and any little things seems to annoy me. If I make it through tonight (at this point I think I am okay) then this will be the first day in weeks that I have gone without throwing up. I had a baby in feb of last year...never through up while prgnant (not intentionally anyway) but as soon as she came out I went back to my old ways.....since having her, the longes I have gone w/ out throwing up is 5 whole days....so needless to say this is going to be a lobng week. Hmph!
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Old 02-26-2008, 07:29 PM   #28
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Jennifer,

I have never posted a reply even though I have been online for months, but your story is so inspiring that I can't help but wish you well on your journey. Being a young mother is difficult enough without the pressures of body image and social pressures. It sounds like you are still in fairly good health and that is what you need to protect for the sake of your child and yourself. I always had a skinny sister that I always tried to compete with, and guess what? As we aged ,.everything evened out. We are both old women with many of the same struggles that young women have today but much less competition. I am obviously reading these threads because I think support is a wonderful thing and the gift of people of understanding is something we all search for all of our lives. I know you will find resolution to your disorder by finding the source of your pain. I have been there.
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Old 02-26-2008, 07:31 PM   #29
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[COLOR=black]~~When I Told My Sister[/COLOR]

I was so nervous to tell her, but we are so close, she knew me too well, clearly she could see that I had to tell her something. I beat around the bush for some time, she got annoyed and then I told her :I have been making myself throw up and I do not know how to stop" Wheeew....glad to get that out.....I did not think she would be mad, but she was. Looking back, I think she just did not know what to do or say and I just took that as being mad.
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Old 02-26-2008, 07:33 PM   #30
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(sorry, the 1yr old hit the computer before I was ready to send this.....I have to get her to sleep then I will finish)
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