Mandy's 2008 journey

[PalmTreeGal]

I studied like mad today. The reality of this certification exam is hitting me and I'm freaking out. Actually lost my appetite from the anxiety today! That doesn't happen to me too much. The exam is Saturday. So much to know. So much they didn't teach me in school.

Not eating enough veggies. Working on it.

B: 1/2 flax muffin
S: Coffee with too much cream
L: Oopsie roll sandwich with chicken, mayo, avocado, tomato, bacon
D: Chicken and broccoli

I did an hour of "Candlelit Yoga," which, as it sounds, is a relaxing, stretching type of DVD. I feel kind of guilty for not doing something "fat-burning." Then I reminded myself that this is about HEALTH, not weight. I think I am nervous about the exam and it makes me less nervous to obsess about carbs, calories and exercise.

[Leenie]

Hi Mandy, thanks for popping in my journal!

Wow, you have a lot going on girl. Best wishes for your certification exam on Saturday! I think the yoga was an excellent idea. Do you find out the results of the exam immediately or does it take awhile to get results back?

[janamonkey]

Hi! Good luck with the exam I think the yoga is a great idea- especially if it helps you release some stress and anxiety.

[PalmTreeGal]

Oh God . . . I couldn't sleep last night, the anxiety is killing me. Slept poorly from 11-2 and then read until 8, when I fell asleep for another hour and a half. Had gastrointestinal distress X2 when I woke the second time. I rescheduled the exam for next Thursday. I don't know why I'm losing it, I have gone through so much more to get this %#@ degree and graduate from the nurse anesthesia program. I got yelled at every single working day for eighteen months . . . did an oral exam in front of my faculty, the people I fear most on earth . . . and I DID IT! If I fail the certification exam I will be embarrassed because my program has only had one person fail in many years, but it won't be like being in the OR and having some doc scream at me, or being in front of my faculty and showing that I don't know anything. (Which didn't happen, I passed the oral exam on the first try.)

ON THE UPSIDE! I haven't been eating very well but I haven't eaten off plan. My tummy is upset but it feels like the kind of upset that might feel better with some food. I am going to indulge in some sweetened Oopsie rolls (yeah, I know, but these are extreme circumstances) and some nitrate-free ham. These are the only foods that seem appealing. I also can't stand the thought of taking my supplements, I just took my prescribed meds.

I want to sleep all day but I can't because I asked the dogwalker to come today . . . because I thought I'd be gone studying all day and wanted to not feel guilty about the pups . . . but she can't see me in my PJs, I'll be embarrassed, so I gotta get dressed and pretend like I'm studying for when she comes.

[PalmTreeGal]

Okay . . . I got some sleep over the course of the day and took some meds so I should sleep tonight. I feel disappointed that my Induction will not be "clean." I did not eat anything off plan and my carbs are <20, but I did not eat ANY veggies today. My tummy is just not happy and the idea of salad makes me queasy. Cooked veggies might be okay but I don't have any prepared and no energy/motivation to make any. So here's what I ate; I can't even divide it up into meals: 6 oopsie rolls with butter and Davinci's, 5 oz ham, 1/2 of a cup of coffee so about 1 tb cream, half a flax muffin with butter. I did drink my water. No exercise.

I felt good yesterday and got so much studying done; then throughout the evening my anxiety rose despite the yoga and I barely slept. Then today I felt the consequences of anxiety and barely sleeping: nausea, exhaustion, headache, really low mood. I hope tomorrow is better. Now I have a week before the exam.

In other news, my great-aunt will probably not live out the week (kidney failure and doesn't want dialysis). I am not close to her but it's still sad, especially for my grandmother.

I had a long talk with my MIL, who is feeling really exhausted and stir-crazy watching my FIL's slow decline from pancreatic cancer. He has survived 18 months which is very unusual. I hope I made her feel a little better.

I have not talked to my bipolar mother since the horrible abusive behavior over Christmas. It's really nice not talking to her. I don't even feel too guilty since she said such terrible things to me. Most notable was that when she committed suicide it would be my fault. We didn't even have a fight or anything and we usually get along okay. It was all out of the blue.

I hope in a few days I can stop using this place as a personal diary. I'm a little embarrassed to have shared all this. But it is affecting my life, my mood and my eating. I guess I am going through a lot right now. Food is one of the few things I can control, but I have such a history of gung-ho dieting and then failing miserably. I can't seem to have a bad day and get over it. I just quit altogether. I really admire people who say "I ate a Butterfinger but I'm back on track now."

[cdn_gal]

No words, just many, many

[PalmTreeGal]

Thanks Lei. I really love this place sometimes. It helps so much to have people say "hey, you're doing okay with your life and your eating even though it feels lousy sometimes." My husband will always support me but I feel bad crying to him all the time. He is dealing with his dad's illness and imminent death and he doesn't need me bringing him down.

[Lizbeth927]

Mandy, don't apologize for using this place to vent about things, whether it's how you're feeling about food, or just life in general! It sounds like you have SO much going on in your life right now...but you have people here who are ready and willing to listen. You're doing such a great job keeping your menu on track under a time of such stress. Hang in there!

[PalmTreeGal]

Better today. I slept about 14 hours. Then I got up and made some of 2bigs omelet muffins. I still don't have much appetite (Cymbalta?) but I ate one and enjoyed it. Weird not being hungry.

[PalmTreeGal]

Slept well again last night and feeling slightly more human, although still anxious about THE TEST. My appetite is way decreased, I'm pretty sure it's the Cymbalta. Once I start eating the food tastes good, but I feel slightly nauseated and not very interested in eating to start with. I hope I'm not messing up my metabolism by eating so little. Yesterday I ate an egg/cheese/veggie muffin, two cups of coffee with cream, an omelet with bacon, avocado, cheese and sour cream on top (yes I ate a lot of eggs!) and three strips of plain bacon. It was the oddest thing to have a bacon craving a 9PM! I normally never eat plain bacon, only crumbled up in things like salads and omelets.

Okay, off to get some studying done!

[PalmTreeGal]

Ahh, it finally happened. It's almost a relief. I screwed up. Ate white-bread rolls with butter and Nutella. (You can tell that the junk food has been purged from my kitchen when I binge on something weird like that!) Here's where I'm hoping the journal will help. I have a very poor track record of getting back on plan after a mistake. I'd like to change that.

The annoying part is that I KNOW it was due to depression. I have been fighting the depression monster with a vengeance lately. I picture it as a big, black hairy monster. Kind of like a bear on its hind legs but uglier and hairier. And I'm swordfighting with it and shouting that it's not going to win.

Depression causes me to lose all interest in health and well-being, beyond survival. I even skip wearing sunscreen. It takes too much energy. So my brain, in a bid for survival, says "hey, some sugar and white carbs would fix up your neurotransmitters mighty quick!" Of course it's a very short-term fix, but hey, survival is a minute-to-minute thing.

I do feel better now, with a stuffed belly (why do I never feel all that full when eating LC?). And better now that I've broken the "perfect" streak. Weird. Unfortunately I was going to break the scale fast on Monday and I'll probably bloat up with water after this indiscretion, so I won't see the nice loss I might have seen. It would have been better to have cheated early in Induction and gotten back on track, if the scale weight were the important thing!

Okay, what did I learn from this? Well, I was running out of food when this happened. I have a pork butt in the oven and probably eating that would have decreased the chances of my bingeing. But I don't really have any other ready-to-eat protein available. I ate all the bacon and the cold cuts. I had a cheese omelet with sour cream for lunch but eggs/cheese don't seem to satiate like fatty meat. Also, I have been sagging in eating my veggies. I don't know if that would have helped anything. And, of course, the depression monster, which I don't have a lot of control over. I take my meds, but asking me to exercise when I'm feeling that low is like asking my Labrador to speak Portuguese.

Ideally I would get back on the LC wagon with my very next bite. No promises there. I am, however, going to put dish soap in the Nutella and throw it out. I don't even like it that much. My MIL had given it to me and I was keeping it in case DH wanted it, but he probably wouldn't eat it anyway. He certainly won't care if I throw it out.

[Lizbeth927]

Ahhhh...Nutella In my opinion, if there is a worthwhile food indulgence out there, Nutella is it. I love it on ALL carbs... bread, crackers, bananas, you name it. It sounds like you've pinpointed why you ate the Nutella and bread in the first place...I know you can get right back on the LC wagon!! Hang in there Mandy!

[cdn_gal]

Hey chica! Now's the time to break the crappy ole' track record!!
Time to check in and tell us yor back on track!!
Many many to you sweet girl!

[PalmTreeGal]

Here I am, not back on plan yet. I ate tons of pizza and cookies yesterday. I knew the scale would be ugly this morning, but I didn't expect to be higher than my start weight! 12 days of Induction with lots of exercise and 2 of eating poorly and I ended up 0.4 pounds HIGHER than when I started. I wish now I'd been weighing all along so I could see what I'd lost before the junk food.

My exam is on Thursday, and I'm not postponing it this time. I think I'm going to not worry about my diet until it's over. I know that's not what you're supposed to do, but this test is critical to my career and ability to work, and it's all I can focus on right now.

On the up side, my mood is much better. I almost felt that eating the carbs IMPROVED my mood. I will experiment with this some more, but if it turns out that LC is worsening depression, then I'm going back to calorie-counting. If I do that I will incorporate some LC concepts, like not being afraid of fat (although you have to limit it to keep cals down) and skipping some starches like rice at dinner. But since I've only ever successfully lost counting calories, not on LC, it might be the right thing to do.

[Debralynn]

Just read through your journal. You are going through so much right now, I don't know how you manage!

Good luck on your test Thursday! I'm cheering for you!

[PalmTreeGal]

Thanks Deb. It really is a topsy-turvy time right now!

[PalmTreeGal]

I am starting to get nervous for tomorrow!

I am eating junk like it's going out of style, but I'm not beating myself up for it. This test is really important. I have the rest of my life to diet. It will cost me $700 plus a lot of disappointment in myself to fail this test.

Here's the plan: Tomorrow I will eat Fage with berries and nuts for breakfast. I will bring nuts for a snack to the test, although I'm not sure if I get a snack break or not. I don't think I do. I will eat whatever I feel like after the test. Friday-Sunday I will resume my supplements and eat "LC lite" which is Induction foods plus Fage, berries and nuts with no counting carbs. I usually lose a pound or two doing that since I drop some water weight. Then Monday I will resume Induction from the beginning again.

I will plan meals more carefully since that was part of my downfall. I will keep only small amounts of cream cheese in the house since that was the beginning of the end this time around. I will try to keep cals 1200-1400, but I will not get obsessed if I have to eat more protein and fat because I am hungry. I will focus on eating all my veggies.

[PalmTreeGal]

Test is over, wooohoo! And I have a sneaking suspicion that I passed. It wasn't as bad as I was afraid of, and I was out of there in 45 minutes. I was always one of the first done with tests in school too. Either I know it or I don't.

[Debralynn]

I am sure you passed with flying colors! With the stress behind you, you can go back to living a bit more normally.

Did you find a house yet?

[PalmTreeGal]

Nope, we don't have a home in MD yet. I will probably fly out in a few weeks and find us a rental. Then in early March we will drive out.

I feel so much better with this exam done!

[janamonkey]

Originally Posted by PalmTreeGal

Test is over, wooohoo! And I have a sneaking suspicion that I passed. It wasn't as bad as I was afraid of, and I was out of there in 45 minutes. I was always one of the first done with tests in school too. Either I know it or I don't.

I'm the same way with tests. I'm sure you did awesome!

[PalmTreeGal]

Okay, test is over, I think I passed. It's time to get this show on the road! Today was supposed to be "LC lite" but MIL sent a box of candy so that didn't work out so well. I'm going back into full-on Induction tomorrow (and I'm done eating for tonight). DH is going to make the candy from his mother disappear for me. Love that man!

Anyway, I'm going to go back to the plan I outlined at the beginning of this journal. I've also now received all the supplements I ordered, so I can attack this from that angle as well. Multivit, calcium, CLA/GLA, fish oil, magnesium, vit D (large dose as Dr. Eades suggests), biotin, CoQ10, chromium, l-carnitine. I am going to use my remaining cream cheese to make Oopsies and then put the Oopsies in the freezer for future use as sandwiches. I can't keep cream cheese around, too bingeable, and I can't really keep thawed Oopsies either.

We have a hike planned for tomorrow, so there's my first day's exercise taken care of.

[NewYorkGiants32]

I too am on strict induction...we should keep eachother accountable! Glad you did well on your test.

[PalmTreeGal]

Day 1, again:

B: Omelet muffin with cheese, tomato and onion, decaf with cream & Davinci's
L: Bunless bacon cheeseburger, salad with feta, bacon and Caesar
S: Decaf with cream
D: Pulled pork with no-carb BBQ sauce, spaghetti squash with butter and Parmesan

Exercise: Light hike with DH, friend and dogs

[PalmTreeGal]

Day 2 menu:

B/L: 1/2 flax muffin, decaf with cream and Davinci's, 4 strips bacon
D: Cleo's mozzarella sticks with LC marinara, salad, spaghetti squash

Exercise: 2 mile walk with DH and dogs

The mozzarella sticks were harder to make than I thought! The cheese melted and then they were hard to pick up out of the oil without falling apart. A couple of them fell out of their coating altogether. Then the cheese stuck to the paper towels I put them on to drain. They were tasty though and the pork rinds came out just like regular breading. I plan to use pork rinds again for breading other things.

DH had a cold this weekend but otherwise we had such a nice weekend. It is the first weekend in 2.5 years that I didn't have something academic hanging over my head.

[janamonkey]

Originally Posted by PalmTreeGal

It is the first weekend in 2.5 years that I didn't have something academic hanging over my head.

Wow!! It sounds like you need a vacation!