Gettin's Mental Meltdowns

[gettinserious]

Reader beware, this is NOT rainbows and sunshine. This is real mental stuff that WILL prolly make you uncomfortable.

Ok, so here it is. Another journal, but this one I hope to use to make a difference. TRUELY. A difference in my weight loss.

I am trying to get myself serious about this. Live up to my name.

Now, I know what you are thinking! WHY would a 300+lb woman even need to think about how to get serious about weight loss. Well, it is entirely mental problems.

I was very abused as a child. Sexually, verbally and physically and all by different people. I tried therapy, but at $50 a pop (and thats at a discount!) I couldn't afford it. I tried self therapy via Dr. Phil's book Self Matters, but I got only as far as the 10 pivitol people in your life and I got so many names and events that it just overwhelmed me. And I have tried burying it, but I find it coming out in everyday life. I don't know anything other than anger and pain.

Dealing with my 4 year old DS is very daunting. I LOVE LOVE LOVE him, but there are many times that poisonous anger from my youth rises up and tarnishes everything. I have been known to spank him. Now, I know the US is very much divided about this form of punishment and true, it doesn't help really. At the time though, it if serves to get my point across and get his attention when nothing else has, I'm for it. I don't beat my kid. I'd be lying if I didn't say I WANT to sometimes, but never would I do that. And unlike my youth, I don't spank unless I have exhausted all other disciplinary options and am tired of the rebellion.

Why is this an issue you ask if I'm ok with it. Because although I feel it must be done at times, I HATE it that it gets that far. It hurts me emotionally to even have to feel the necessity of it. My whole day is spent thinking (any crying and eating) about "Why does it have to get THIS far??? Why can't he just LISTEN for once!"

I am an emotional eater. Negative mostly. The more negative I am that day, the more likely I am to cave. There ARE times I don't eat because of that. I sometimes eat from loneliness, boredom and many other reasons. I know it seems like it would be easy to change it, but deep down there is that lurking monster that keeps me eating what I know will keep me fat..... And more importantly SAFE!

Think about it. How many fat people are abducted or raped?? Not many. Molesters tend to leave you alone when you become about 100 lbs overweight. Physical punishments don't hurt as much. There is nothing to help the verbal stuff though.

I admit that I am passing some of this onto my ds as we speak. Nastiness flies out of my mouth for absolutely NO GOOD REASON! I pray to God alot to help me not do that, to help me control my anger, and I suppose to some extent He does, but He knows I am praying about more than what He does for me and I feel like I don't matter to Him. After all, whats the use of praying if I can't receive the help I desperately need. Every time I feel the need to spank or spew word vomit, it hits home that I am truely alone in this and that He has no intention of answering my prayers how He knows I need and want them answered.

At any rate, here I sit, 5 years after first joining this board, still fat (fatter actually) and wishing most days that I could just die. No, its not ridiculous, its real thoughts. I could not do it to my babies, but there are crazy days when I wonder if they just would not be better off without me.

I read the book A Child Called It by Dave Pelzer and I look at what he went through and I just have SUCH admiration for him. I think that if he can get through that, I can get through my past. I just have to DO something about it. I want to make a difference in someone's life.

I guess I can look at it like this, the first person's life I need to make a difference in is my ds'. Its the best place possible for me to start.


NEWAYZ- I digress. I have something of a plan. Motivation more than an eating plan at the present. I think it should be induction with the highest calorie range I get manage to intake since as of this writing I am still nursing my 5 month old DD and will be for another 7 months.

My siggy will keep my goals and rewards sharpy in mind. I am a gamer. I am SO totally addicted to arcade/action type games that I REALLY want to buy some. So with that in mind, and my first game not being allowed until I'm back in twoterville.... here we go!

[Samantha42]

Tannie--

I admire your bravery at posting this. Please keep it up! I'm sure it is as therapeutic for you as it is for everyone reading it.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I do believe things can and will always get better.

I'm here for you if you need anything!

[gettinserious]

They ARE getting better than they were even a few months ago. I am a work in progress. lol!

Todays menu:

B- none, got up late
L- 2 hb eggs and 8 brown and serve sausages
D- bowl of chicken "noodle" soup
S- cream cheese "ice cream", pizza toppings nuked (its show night! )

Exercise- Tons of housework, ellpitical machine for 45 mins. Weight training reps.

[gettinserious]

I WANT to journal everyday. I NEED to, but there just isn't enough hours in the day. Guess it all comes down to making time. Need to write myself a note about it. Things get crazy around here and most days if I can get through and remember my name at the end, I'm doing good.

I am totally off the wagon again. I hate that expression. I have been eating anything AGAIN. I need to do induction, but my daughter still needs milk. And we SO cannot afford formula and we don't qualify for WIC. Even if we did, I can't possibly find the time to go with 5 kids around. Its crazy. As it is, I have no idea when I am going to be able to get Hannah to the doctors.

I have been going through so much emotional stuff. Cravings get me in those moments. I'm emotional because my son drives me nuts EVERY day and if he isn't his dad is (my fiance). And if they aren't then its the kids I watch. I have a ton of stress daily and I just am feeling it throughout my body. Like I truely am dying. People tell me I can wait to diet. That I should nurse as long as possible, but its not that easy. How do they know I have time? I sure don't. And if I had to guess, I don't have very long.

I did read a thing online today about Valerian Root. Its supposed to be an herbal antidepressant/ sleep aid. Promotes nerve relaxation. I think I will be looking into that this week. I cannot go another week in the shape I have been. I'm seriously at a breaking point.

I need to start cutting back the stress. I can't remove the stress that is my son, but his dad can go if he doesn't STOP. Says he is like his dad, but from what I can tell from him, neither HE nor his sister could stand to be around him and moved out as soon as they could. SO why do I have to live with his dad??? (Well his dad's attitude anyways) I'm not going to anymore. I deserve better.

I have this friend online named Ray. I started having serious thoughts of moving to Texas because we have been thinking along the lines that we may be a good match. I want to move to Texas, BUT, I am deathly afraid. And of course my heart is screaming to do it at all costs, but my head is saying "hold on and wait a minute. THINK about this." Sure I love Texas, but if I move there, I do not want it to be in any way linked to a man. I tried that once and ended up stranded in Columbus Ohio with a baby on the way. NO thank you! Its true I can't do the baby on the way part, but stranded is a concern.

Then there is the other side of the coin. I watch Greys Anatomy like most of the planet. When Izzy and George became lovers, their friendship changed in a bad way. I do not want to lose another friend over something so stupid. I already did that once or twice in my life when I was young and stoopid (yes, I know its spelled wrong, here's 50 cents, call someone that cares). If I did it this time, it would just be REALLY STOOPID!

So I am glad to see that with age, mature rational thinking DOES eventually find us. Now if I could only apply that to my WOE!

Anyways, I find myself debating about trying to do south beach. I'm not really much of a low fat kind of person and have no idea how this will work for me. I like the fat, but then I don't have a gallbladder and should prolly watch my fat intake since part of my filtering system is gone. Been that way for 10 years now and I'm just now THINKING about watching my fat intake. No wonder I feel like I am dying. lol..

[Tommyswife]

I'm sending you a huge hug honey.

[gettinserious]

Awww thanks, I need one. lol.

[mstamika]

Gettinserious, Thank you for your tremendous honesty.

[marnie4949]

Do what I'm doing. Pick one day a week to post - then do it! We all want to support one another but there are so many of us and just so much time to spare. I try to read as many posters as I can each day and you are a brave and interesting person that I would like to get to know better. Please do continue your journal.

[gettinserious]

Ok, I was in the thoughts of not bothering with this right now because my internet was due to be shut off the 21st, but The Man told me to pay it. He wants to use it after the first of the year to get a job around here.

I have mixed feelings on this, mostly negative. I mean, who wants a guy like him around ALL the time. Been there and done that. It didn't work then and its not going to now. He just can't help being an asshat! Seriously!

Anyways, I have restarted induction and am down 6 lbs in 3 days. Its good.

Todays menu:

B- 3 oz smoked Swiss (quick breakfast)
L- 2 double cheese no bun (lunch out lol)
D- 4 oz steak w/ sauteed mushrooms and onions (a real treat, even if it is cheap cuts)
S- stuffed shrooms

[LowCarbSleepyToast]

I just wanted to leave you a note to say that you look great in your new av Congrats on a successful induction so far!

[gettinserious]

Ok, I am stalled out today, but TOM is here and the first day is always rough for me. In fact, I guess I should consider myself lucky I lost at all this week. lol!

So blazing forward from here. I am afraid of a real gain tomorrow scale though because of tonights dinner. Its legal, but I know I'm going to overeat it.

B- 2 scotch eggs
L- 3 egg salad
D- Linda Sues White Castle Pie
S- none- won't need it

I guess in retrospect, I am having an egg day. lol. I might incorporate 1 c. roasted broccoli if I can control myself with the White Castle Pie.

[beautifulme]

Hi there.I am marking my spot here.I will return later to read......

[gettinserious]

Hi beautifulme!

Brunch- White Castle Pie
D- sausage balls w/ lowcarbed sloppy joe sauce
S- smoked ham and smoked swiss, 2 oz each

Doesn't look like much, but it is. lol. And I got my veggies in the form of onions and tomato sauce today. Those two really eat up a persons carb count.

Anyways, I did some Billy Blanks today. Still only getting through the warm up, but the last couple of days exercise has been limited. Saturday I was in and out of my car, which the drivers door doesn't open. So I got a nice yoga workout getting in and out of my car. Honestly? I think there are positions I used that only me and a few other people in the world know about. I'm talking David Blaine kind of stuff.

And yesterday TOM began his visit. Its rough right now, when it first starts. Lots of pain. I expected it though because of not having one for 14 months. Last one (my first since conception) was a humdinger and really was quite sucky. lol.

I am experiencing quite the mood swings too. I think that has more to do with the fact that I haven't slept much since DD was born. She refuses to sleep through the night and it is really beginning to get to me. Is she EVER gonna just SLEEP?!

I would LOVE to sleep when she does, but I have a very BRIGHT, ENERGETIC 4 year old that can find trouble like ants find food.

Oh well, such is the life of the SAHM.

[gettinserious]

Well, I was fighting back the urge to beat my bright energetic 4 year olds bum last night. He is SUCH a card! There are sometimes when I can empathize with those moms that just SNAP and hurt their kids. I never, ever will, because above all, I keep firmly in mind their stories and how things went for them, but I can see how a child can push and push and push until ya just GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

My boy is very maddening. Hes smart, loving, caring, cute, funny and a whole lot of other things that make me LOVE him more than the urge to spank him silly. Thank God for that too. There is nothing in this world I love more than my babies.

So I caved and had some homemade hot chocolate. Decided half way through the cup that it wasn't worth it (during TOM yet!) and dumped the rest. Imagine that.. ME thinking chocolate isn't worth it! The sky really IS falling!

At any rate, I'm down 7lbs. That averages to 1 lb a day. This is SO great. I can't wait to break through the 300s, but even as I am excited, I am scared to death. Fat is my sheild. The fatter I am, the better in my warped mind.

So as I drop and get near twoterville I'll be in here even more posting like crazy to get myself through it. More twisted ramblings from me lol!

I was sitting here reflecting on my family last night, which somewhat contributed to my downfall of chocolate. I was thinking about the fact that we are not close and actually me and my youngest sibling currently aren't speaking. And it just brought back a lot of bitterness and rememberance on some of why I am the way I am. I hate when that happens. I have total recall of everything that ever happened to me as a child. It just came to me one day and since then I have gotten SO fat. I was a big teenager, but that was from birth control. I really started gaining after my memory unlocked to all those events.

Now I go into panic mode when I start succeeding at weight loss. I WANT it. I WANT to be healthy. I WANT to be able to run like the wind without having the wind knocked out of me every few steps. I want to be painfree. I don't want to die from eating.

I just have to get past all this psychological BS! for me to be able to do so!

[gettinserious]

This one is looking toward the positives in my life and focusing on a new me. So with that... here goes. I will still post here on my bad days, but mostly I'm going to focus on the good.

So here is the link to my present: It's A Changing Day In MY Life