My Journey to becoming the Woman God intended me to be!

BacktotheBeachGal · 07-27-2007, 12:38 AM

Well I was in bed trying to go to sleep, when I realized that I was once again not stepping up to a commitment that I made to myself. Which is such a natural thing these days, that I have desensitized myself to my utter lack of self-control.

I committed to starting a journal today. Today I am keeping my commitments. Even though it was my first day back on CALP and I blew it. I forgive myself and I will move on tomorrow. I want to be as honest as I can, so I can become accountable to myself, others and especially God.

I started out the day great. I started with the okay per the program 1 cup of coffee with creamer. I felt better this morning than I have for a very long time. I then had my RM and I had a footlong subway club sandwich. I justified this because there is protein, carb reducing veggies, lettuce (salad) and of course the bread is the reward portion. To be quite honest, I felt awesome and I was on top of the world...........my first mistake. I am learning to not ride on my emotions and I think I got a little prideful this evening. I was driving home thinking of what I would eat when I got home.

Since I live with my Mom, Dad, brother and 8year old daughter, life is challenging enough, but ours has been a little more than usual this year. I am basically a prisoner to what is being made for dinner. Although I am going to get the gumption to tell my Mom that I will make my own dinner for now on, even though it might stir up the pot per se.............

(Just adding info so I can read it out loud, helps cleanse my mind and releases the power)

My Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Non Hodgkins Lymphoma in March and she has gone through Chemo, but I don't see her looking any better...........My brother was diagnosed on May 21, 2007 with HIV. He has struggled with a Meth addiction for the past 20 years and finally overcame the battle last November and gave himself over to the Lord. One month later he was told that he has a viral load of 27,000 and a CD4 count of 83. This has affected me tremendously since I am close to my brother and tried so hard to help him overcome his addiction, so I wouldn't lose him to it. My father had back surgery last September and now they believe his body is rejecting the parts, so they will probably be doing surgery again soon. On June 1, my 8 year old daughter was playing in the church playground with the "sitters" while I go to the Celebrate Recover program and she was wearing flip flops and it was damp in the grass and muddy, and she went to kick a ball and she kicked her leg up and her body was lifted up and she broke her fall with her right arm and fractured both bones in her arm severely. She is finally in a smaller cast, but the stress of just one wrong move and she has surgery.............Oh and to top it off, I was commuting 120 miles a day and finally quit my job to help my family and my insurance was up 1 week before!! I have lost 2 cousins, brothers one month apart, one to a head on collision and one to cancer and my Aunt is in the hospital with Cancer of the lung at this time.............................Wow that is stressful, but it isn't worth eating over anymore. I pray that writing it all down takes the power out of it and I can allow God's Grace to cover me and my family.......

Don't worry I am not looking for sympathy! Just needed to get it out!!

So now back to the agenda, I was doing awesome and I got home and saw my Mom made stir fry, which I love. It was natural and fresh, but I asked if she put the teriyaki sauce on it and she said no, just a little stir fry sauce. I pretty much new it was over. I had some, no rice, no crunchy noodles, no egg roll, but I know that tiny bit of stir fry sauce had enough of carbs to throw me to the wind!

So I was cleaning and I was doing okay, until I looked at the cake on the counter and unknowingly I cut a piece and shoved it in my mouth! oh and no I did not stop there! I cut another and then I poured a big glass of milk to wash it down! I just realized how OUT OF CONTROL I AM!!

What happened to the woman that used to be, I would actually put makeup on before I left the house and looked pretty darn good! I can't find her anymore, but I would like to welcome her back home so I can become whole again! I have never, ever been this large in my life. Yes I have done the whole yoyo thing, but I have been thin and I loved it!! I am 5'9 and I wore a junior size 9 and I was 33, which was before I got pregnant. I lost some weight and geez now I think shoot that 205 isn't looking so bad, I looked good at that weight! All I can think of is My Big Fat Greek Wedding, when her father says, Tulleha(?) You look so old! I remember when I would have such self control? what happened? I THINK I GAVE UP!! I NEED TO FIND MY INNER STRENGTH!!

I look forward to writing in my journal everyday! I couldn't let myself go without writing tonight! I might ramble, because I can,anything to help myself become the WOMAN god intended me to be! So this is just not about Weight. This is about being a better person, mother, friend, sister, daughter and most of all having a deeper relationship with my Lord and Savior! Jesus Christ!

So I welcome anyone that is reading my journal to post comments, your life story, anything you want to! I would love to hear from you! I need buddies to help me through this! I can't do this alone!! I realize just how weak I am and it is okay today!

to my world! Next is to find a picture and post it!! YIKES, a little case of humility!

Linda

123Nkechi · 07-27-2007, 01:57 PM

Hi Linda!

Starting is just the beginning of great things ahead for you. I also live with my parents. My mom is retired and my dad is simi-retired and should be retired all together but he is stubborn. He has the beginning stages of emphasema and still thinks he can smoke and doesn't need his oxygen. My parents struggle financially and I like the relief in my own finances so it is a good arrangement for the moment. I totally identify with eating good all day and then coming home to temptation in the evening. I feel ya girl. I can also identify with eating something before you even realize it. That has happened to me several times. I will be somewhere and see something that is not what I am supposed to eat and I am halfway finished before I realize that I was eating something wrong. The secret is in the planning. That is what I know I have to do if I am going to win this battle. I checked the CAD/CALD thread like you suggested and I am very interested. I think I want to incorporate more snacks though so I can keep my metabolism up. I will keep you updated on my progress as I come by to check in to see how you are doing.

Take Care and God Bless!

BacktotheBeachGal · 07-27-2007, 11:59 PM

Thanks for stopping by Nkechi,

I appreciate the support. I am sorry you have trials you are going through also! I know that the Lord allows us to have trials to grow and learn from them, but they are tough.... I allow them to hinder my progress. It's all about the planning! Stop by anytime!

Tonight at the Celebrate Recovery program at my church and tonight I think I believe divine intervention has taken place. The leader in my small group is overweight and she has struggled all her life. Well she developed diabetes a couple of years ago and she has pretty much been able to keep it under control by not eating sugar or bread for 2 years. Well this past week, things changed and she was told she needs to take insulin shots and she is really saddened by it. She has some guilt because she wishes she would have changed things 10 years ago! Well I am 10 years younger than her and it hit home!! I do believe the Lord said now is the time! So I am going to start the CALP full force tomorrow. The good news is that I am able to have the reward meal, so I never have to feel deprived! I am so thankful today for the opportunity to share my experiences, struggles and victories with other woman who are going through the same thing. I really started getting caught up in "look how many people have viewed my journal and only 1 has left a reply" well I realized I am truly not doing this for others and I am doing this for myself. I am not a selfish person, but it is a personal issue. Anyway I am greatful for the 1. When 2 or more are gathered!

I had a very bad eating day. I knew in my head that today wasn't the day to start. I will go shopping and buy the right food and not have to rely on what the family makes. This allows me to have control of what I eat. I will be faithful to myself and God and start the program tomorrow. I might fall off the wagon one day, but I am going to allow God to have control and take my burdens One Day at a Time, one minute need be.............

So starting tomorrow I will find a picture to post, post my measurements/weight and journal my food!

Take care and God Bless until tomorrow....................

BacktotheBeachGal · 07-28-2007, 10:54 PM

Well today wasn't quite the day I expected. I ended up going to the hairdresser and cut 7 inches off my hair. It is a symbol that I am cutting off the old and starting anew. I will journal tomorrow.

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

quiggley · 07-29-2007, 12:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BacktotheBeachGal

Well today wasn't quite the day I expected. I ended up going to the hairdresser and cut 7 inches off my hair. It is a symbol that I am cutting off the old and starting anew. I will journal tomorrow.

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

I did that when I started losing weight I had stopped caring about how I looked and My Hair was below My Butt. I cut off 36 inches and donated it and it was a symbol of starting to care again.

Good luck on the CALP I could not do it correctly I could live happily on one meal a Day so guess what? All I had was the reward meal LOL

I understand about stress getting to you I let it control me for the last year but have finally just realized that all it has gotten me is weight gain and denial over what I let happen to me. You can do this with Gods help, your Friends here and if needed 1 hour at a time.

123Nkechi · 07-30-2007, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BacktotheBeachGal

Well today wasn't quite the day I expected. I ended up going to the hairdresser and cut 7 inches off my hair. It is a symbol that I am cutting off the old and starting anew. I will journal tomorrow.

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

Woo Hoo MAKEOVER!!!

Starting over with a fresh new look is a good thing. When we take the time and effort to look good we feel better about ourselves and the inner glow shines through.

Discover your inner GLOW!

123Nkechi · 07-31-2007, 08:03 PM

Just stopping by to check in and say hello...

07-27-2007, 12:38 AM	#1
BacktotheBeachGal Junior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: SoCal Posts: 10 Gallery: BacktotheBeachGal Stats: 286/165.........42 yo 5'9 WOE: CAD Start Date: July 19, 2007	My Journey to becoming the Woman God intended me to be! Well I was in bed trying to go to sleep, when I realized that I was once again not stepping up to a commitment that I made to myself. Which is such a natural thing these days, that I have desensitized myself to my utter lack of self-control. I committed to starting a journal today. Today I am keeping my commitments. Even though it was my first day back on CALP and I blew it. I forgive myself and I will move on tomorrow. I want to be as honest as I can, so I can become accountable to myself, others and especially God. I started out the day great. I started with the okay per the program 1 cup of coffee with creamer. I felt better this morning than I have for a very long time. I then had my RM and I had a footlong subway club sandwich. I justified this because there is protein, carb reducing veggies, lettuce (salad) and of course the bread is the reward portion. To be quite honest, I felt awesome and I was on top of the world...........my first mistake. I am learning to not ride on my emotions and I think I got a little prideful this evening. I was driving home thinking of what I would eat when I got home. Since I live with my Mom, Dad, brother and 8year old daughter, life is challenging enough, but ours has been a little more than usual this year. I am basically a prisoner to what is being made for dinner. Although I am going to get the gumption to tell my Mom that I will make my own dinner for now on, even though it might stir up the pot per se............. (Just adding info so I can read it out loud, helps cleanse my mind and releases the power) My Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Non Hodgkins Lymphoma in March and she has gone through Chemo, but I don't see her looking any better...........My brother was diagnosed on May 21, 2007 with HIV. He has struggled with a Meth addiction for the past 20 years and finally overcame the battle last November and gave himself over to the Lord. One month later he was told that he has a viral load of 27,000 and a CD4 count of 83. This has affected me tremendously since I am close to my brother and tried so hard to help him overcome his addiction, so I wouldn't lose him to it. My father had back surgery last September and now they believe his body is rejecting the parts, so they will probably be doing surgery again soon. On June 1, my 8 year old daughter was playing in the church playground with the "sitters" while I go to the Celebrate Recover program and she was wearing flip flops and it was damp in the grass and muddy, and she went to kick a ball and she kicked her leg up and her body was lifted up and she broke her fall with her right arm and fractured both bones in her arm severely. She is finally in a smaller cast, but the stress of just one wrong move and she has surgery.............Oh and to top it off, I was commuting 120 miles a day and finally quit my job to help my family and my insurance was up 1 week before!! I have lost 2 cousins, brothers one month apart, one to a head on collision and one to cancer and my Aunt is in the hospital with Cancer of the lung at this time.............................Wow that is stressful, but it isn't worth eating over anymore. I pray that writing it all down takes the power out of it and I can allow God's Grace to cover me and my family....... Don't worry I am not looking for sympathy! Just needed to get it out!! So now back to the agenda, I was doing awesome and I got home and saw my Mom made stir fry, which I love. It was natural and fresh, but I asked if she put the teriyaki sauce on it and she said no, just a little stir fry sauce. I pretty much new it was over. I had some, no rice, no crunchy noodles, no egg roll, but I know that tiny bit of stir fry sauce had enough of carbs to throw me to the wind! So I was cleaning and I was doing okay, until I looked at the cake on the counter and unknowingly I cut a piece and shoved it in my mouth! oh and no I did not stop there! I cut another and then I poured a big glass of milk to wash it down! I just realized how OUT OF CONTROL I AM!! What happened to the woman that used to be, I would actually put makeup on before I left the house and looked pretty darn good! I can't find her anymore, but I would like to welcome her back home so I can become whole again! I have never, ever been this large in my life. Yes I have done the whole yoyo thing, but I have been thin and I loved it!! I am 5'9 and I wore a junior size 9 and I was 33, which was before I got pregnant. I lost some weight and geez now I think shoot that 205 isn't looking so bad, I looked good at that weight! All I can think of is My Big Fat Greek Wedding, when her father says, Tulleha(?) You look so old! I remember when I would have such self control? what happened? I THINK I GAVE UP!! I NEED TO FIND MY INNER STRENGTH!! I look forward to writing in my journal everyday! I couldn't let myself go without writing tonight! I might ramble, because I can,anything to help myself become the WOMAN god intended me to be! So this is just not about Weight. This is about being a better person, mother, friend, sister, daughter and most of all having a deeper relationship with my Lord and Savior! Jesus Christ! So I welcome anyone that is reading my journal to post comments, your life story, anything you want to! I would love to hear from you! I need buddies to help me through this! I can't do this alone!! I realize just how weak I am and it is okay today! to my world! Next is to find a picture and post it!! YIKES, a little case of humility! Linda __________________ Linda July 26, 2007 Start Date! Start: 286 First Goal: 250 2nd Goal: 225 3rd Goal: 200 Ultimate Goal: 150 Phm 1:25 May the GRACE of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.

07-27-2007, 01:57 PM	#2
123Nkechi MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Girl Raised in the South (Carolina)! Posts: 1,137 Blog Entries: 20 Gallery: 123Nkechi Stats: Check out the countdown! WOE: LC or something like it... Start Date: Starting Over AGAIN!!! September 22, 2008	Hi Linda! Starting is just the beginning of great things ahead for you. I also live with my parents. My mom is retired and my dad is simi-retired and should be retired all together but he is stubborn. He has the beginning stages of emphasema and still thinks he can smoke and doesn't need his oxygen. My parents struggle financially and I like the relief in my own finances so it is a good arrangement for the moment. I totally identify with eating good all day and then coming home to temptation in the evening. I feel ya girl. I can also identify with eating something before you even realize it. That has happened to me several times. I will be somewhere and see something that is not what I am supposed to eat and I am halfway finished before I realize that I was eating something wrong. The secret is in the planning. That is what I know I have to do if I am going to win this battle. I checked the CAD/CALD thread like you suggested and I am very interested. I think I want to incorporate more snacks though so I can keep my metabolism up. I will keep you updated on my progress as I come by to check in to see how you are doing. Take Care and God Bless! __________________ My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus! Nkechi's Testimony and Confessions Nkechi's Birthday Countdown to 60 lbs thinner! Check out my blog!!! Counting down to March 22nd!!! (10 pounds at a time ) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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07-27-2007, 11:59 PM	#3
BacktotheBeachGal Junior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: SoCal Posts: 10 Gallery: BacktotheBeachGal Stats: 286/165.........42 yo 5'9 WOE: CAD Start Date: July 19, 2007	Thanks for stopping by Nkechi, I appreciate the support. I am sorry you have trials you are going through also! I know that the Lord allows us to have trials to grow and learn from them, but they are tough.... I allow them to hinder my progress. It's all about the planning! Stop by anytime! Tonight at the Celebrate Recovery program at my church and tonight I think I believe divine intervention has taken place. The leader in my small group is overweight and she has struggled all her life. Well she developed diabetes a couple of years ago and she has pretty much been able to keep it under control by not eating sugar or bread for 2 years. Well this past week, things changed and she was told she needs to take insulin shots and she is really saddened by it. She has some guilt because she wishes she would have changed things 10 years ago! Well I am 10 years younger than her and it hit home!! I do believe the Lord said now is the time! So I am going to start the CALP full force tomorrow. The good news is that I am able to have the reward meal, so I never have to feel deprived! I am so thankful today for the opportunity to share my experiences, struggles and victories with other woman who are going through the same thing. I really started getting caught up in "look how many people have viewed my journal and only 1 has left a reply" well I realized I am truly not doing this for others and I am doing this for myself. I am not a selfish person, but it is a personal issue. Anyway I am greatful for the 1. When 2 or more are gathered! I had a very bad eating day. I knew in my head that today wasn't the day to start. I will go shopping and buy the right food and not have to rely on what the family makes. This allows me to have control of what I eat. I will be faithful to myself and God and start the program tomorrow. I might fall off the wagon one day, but I am going to allow God to have control and take my burdens One Day at a Time, one minute need be............. So starting tomorrow I will find a picture to post, post my measurements/weight and journal my food! Take care and God Bless until tomorrow....................

07-28-2007, 10:54 PM	#4
BacktotheBeachGal Junior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: SoCal Posts: 10 Gallery: BacktotheBeachGal Stats: 286/165.........42 yo 5'9 WOE: CAD Start Date: July 19, 2007	Well today wasn't quite the day I expected. I ended up going to the hairdresser and cut 7 inches off my hair. It is a symbol that I am cutting off the old and starting anew. I will journal tomorrow. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

07-31-2007, 08:03 PM	#7
123Nkechi MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Girl Raised in the South (Carolina)! Posts: 1,137 Blog Entries: 20 Gallery: 123Nkechi Stats: Check out the countdown! WOE: LC or something like it... Start Date: Starting Over AGAIN!!! September 22, 2008	Just stopping by to check in and say hello...