Baindegael's Journal

[palegirl]

fingers to shoulder! HEAVENS!

[palegirl]

I'm the "C"


I rule, I look so calm!


This is the Tournament MVP I'm holding behind me. AWESOME!


**** happens. I'm totally getting sandwich blocked. Because I'm so badass & Awesome that they had to put two girls against me to stop me.


I look so thin!

[baindegael]

I don't think that you look too skinny.

I totally missed the Tampa tryouts, it was the same night that Stinky broke him arm.... sigh

[palegirl]

Hold me accountable for this! I'm up to 139 today (137 yesterday!)

I drank like crazy all weekend and again on Weds and on Wednesday & Thurs I ate nonstop, mostly pretty good LC choices, but far from the best. It felt bingey. Today I've slowed the bleeding. I've had two huge coffees with half & half (we're talking dunkin donuts Large iced coffee here) and back to my regular lunch of a large piece of salmon cooked in peanut oil. I'm going to go back to my regular way of eating (lots of coffee w/ half & half, lean protein w/ fat for lunch, something reasonable (usually sausage & tomato sauce) for dinner). (Not enough vegetables since Dolly's gone. She used to remind me to eat them. I like veggies, I just hate carbs. <-- diordered thinking! I would eat them to please her and to prove that my diet is healthy. ::sigh:

Tonight I'm going to a derby bout (Dolly's skating, ack!) and am making a pledge NOT to drink at the after party. Tomorrow I go up to Maine to coach (SO EXCITED) and a party, and am making a pledge NOT to drink there either.

Actually, hold me accountable for THIS!!! [COLOR="Red"] I pledge not to drink any beer or booze of any kind until I weigh in below 134 again.[/COLOR]

Lynn, you should have tried out. Tampa is an up and coming league, they just got into the national body! How's the broken kid situation?

[palegirl]

p.s: we have the best uniforms in all of roller derby! Our team is called "The Boston Massacre"

[Laprettygurl]

Looking good Rebekah!

[baindegael]

So.... it's experiment time.

On Friday, I decided that this weekend I would up my carbs and then do induction (this is how I've lost all my weight, I cycle frequently) however, I don't eat badly when I up the carbs, no micky d's. I just add some nuts and lavash, things like that.

This weekend, Iv'e had nuts and more veggies and peanut butter.

May and I went to Haslam's bookstore, which is one of the biggest used and new bookstores in the country and there it was.... 1972 Dr. Atkins Diet Revolution. I've been looking for this book for years, literally, and finally found it. They actually had about 8 of them.

Strangely enough, they are one of the biggest low carb dealers in the area, you can get nostarch and breads, desserts, Atkins items, very strange for a bookstore, but I grabbed the no starch while I was there bc I hate to wait for that kind of thing when i buy online. I also got a grilling book... May and I bought a propane grill in February (we're in Florida, that's perfectly normal!) and we grill a lot.... we never use our stove now, actually. But I got the book (for $4.00!) and it had a bunch of recipes for mops and rubs and ther meats that I normally don't touch (I really only ever eat chicken, tilapia and shrimp).

I've already read it the Atkins book (I'm a quick read lol) and am starting the Atkins 72 tomorrow.

Today, I've been cooking since I woke up . Thsi morning, Stinky helped me make 18 muffins for my team... they bust arse and so I love to bring them stuff to show them that I notice and appreciate it.

I am currently making chicken kebobs with peppers, portobellos and squash. I am making chikcen tacos that will be a taco salad for me, and I'm so proud, I even made my own taco seasoning, the kind that they sell in the store has corn starch and sugar, so I just looked at all of the ingredients and substituted equal and no starch.

I've got a couple of steaks that are marinating with a rub on them and then I'm going to do just plain chicken breast (I'm not sure how I'm going to season yet) but I'm interested in seeing if I notice a difference with the 72 version of Atkins.... I have always lost a bunch of weight and then no movement for weeks, it's the most frustrating thing to me...

Let's see how it goes....

[palegirl]

Originally Posted by palegirl

Actually, hold me accountable for THIS!!! [COLOR="Red"] I pledge not to drink any beer or booze of any kind until I weigh in below 134 again.[/COLOR]

I'll talk to you guys tomorrow, but I broke that pledge. But I justified it by being way too skinny, which I'm starting to believe I am. I look great in clothes, but my exposed body is sorta troubling.

skinny arms


my face, my neck, my frizzy thin hair, my arms and legs, it all kinda looks gross.


no fat covering my muscles, if I flex at all I look disgusting.


my waist is itty bitty. My ribs look as big as my tits here. And I have bigish tits.



I got some more new clothes, too, but we can talk about it later.

[lowcarbette]

because I think you look !@#$)(*!@#$ phenomenal.

[palegirl]

Lynn, how's it going? Still losing? I'm up to 140 and I don't want to continue gaining! I have been playing fast & loose with the LC -- last night at a going away party for a friend I had fried calamari, I bought and have been eating (enjoying) SF pudding and SF cookies -- the cookies are gone now and I'm going to quit wanting/having dessert. What a bad, dumb habit that is! I've also been eating huge portions. Nuff of that!

There was nothing wrong with how I ate before, I'm going to do that again. Piece of fish for lunch, something for dinner. No big. Also I've been missing practices. That's ridiculous, my athletic performance is the most important thing to me.

And booze is out. No, really!

xoxo

[palegirl]

well, I've posted another hateful personal ad. I have dozens of responses (wanting to date me!) within minutes. Ugh. I'm actively trying to hate men at this point.

I'm an incredibly beautiful girl with hot body and a lousy personality. If you buy me several expensive meals, please and compliment me, and meet some impulsively arrived at arbitrary & mysterious criteria, I may put out. Factor in booze.

You'll probably get a kick out of me, and think the whole scenario is a riot or romantic put-on, but I'm incredibly emotionally needy and capricious, and as funny and outrageous as I am, it gets old.

Send a photo. Don't have herpes.

[Lulu Belle]

Hi Guys!
Lynn, how's the Atkins "72 going??

[palegirl]

looking through some photos with my mom tonight, came across some derby shots of me heavier. I'd guess around 190-200ish in these?

I'm number 2 in navy

[palegirl]

oh gosh, I feel so intensely lonely and sad. I'm home at my parents house for the holiday, but today everyone's out except me and my 94 y/o grandma. I'm looking after her. I went and coached the new local roller derby league and that was nice enough, but not nearly as rewarding as Maine was last week. There's a low-carb store here, called sugar free express, and so I went there and spent $30 on some carbquick and ketatos and the sf raspberry jelly candies I love so much, and a LC brownie (not that good.)

My mom's on atkins again. With her it's always temporary, even though it works. I'm glad she's going to lose some weight, but it's also frustrating that she half-asses it or quits...

I feel so intensely lonely, I just want to call Dolly. It's so so sad.

[baindegael]

screw dolly. I'm here. I guess I haven't posted because of the weight thing. I had the one day of 200 lbs and then was back up, I'm holding still @ 207, I have no doubt that next week I'll get lower, it's just a frustrating journey for me.

I know you're lonely.... but she sucks.

I've had a rough week too, a friend of mine that I've had for years toldme that he's an alcoholic and he wanted us to spend the night the one night and then he came over the other night bc he was lonely (his wife just left him two weeks ago) and he was a little volatile and I'm pretty sure very drunk..... *sigh.

It takes time getting used to being by yourself... before this, I had been single for 4 years, I actually liked it. In some respects I miss it.

[baindegael]

ugh... my friend called and apologized for his behaviour... I don't know what to say, it's sticky.

rebekah, do you live in a town where you can walk places? Stinky and I just walked to the Mexican store a couple of blocks away to get some veggies and a drink and everyone that drives by thinks that if you are walking with a child (with a broken arm) that your car has broken down and you need help... it's kind of sad that that's how my town is.

[palegirl]

STOP THE PRESSES. I have purchased Dolce & Gabbana dress. It is insanity.

(please ignore my fat-looking face! and the wrong wrong shoes I'm wearing)

[piedrafina]

just thought i'd chime in and say that you look amazing, rebekah!

[gina7657]

love the dress ........looks awesome on you

[palegirl]

Originally Posted by baindegael

ugh... my friend called and apologized for his behaviour... I don't know what to say, it's sticky.

rebekah, do you live in a town where you can walk places? Stinky and I just walked to the Mexican store a couple of blocks away to get some veggies and a drink and everyone that drives by thinks that if you are walking with a child (with a broken arm) that your car has broken down and you need help... it's kind of sad that that's how my town is.

wow, that situation with you friend sounds really uncomfortable! Ugh. Sucks to be in that position.

I don't have a car, and where I live I walk and take the subway and bus everywhere. Traffic in Boston is so insane, I don't even want a car. (Let alone the expense!) That is so strange that people have that reaction to seeing you walk down the street with your kid! So American, though.

You must be so frustrated about your weight. Argh, I want to yell at your scale for you!

[palegirl]

Could Fage yogurt give me the runs? Sorry, I can't think of any more delicate way to put that...

[palegirl]

Lynn, where are you? What's going on?

[baindegael]

not a whole heck of a lot.... Working a lot. Aiden the other day, spilled koolaid on the keyboard, so I wasn't able to type, so I'm getting online when I'm working (I have a laptop and can access work stuff from home)...

I want to quit smoking and am not sure if I should go cold turkey, or if I should go to the doc and get some meds; what makes me nervous is that the meds are usually anti depressants and that kind of medication and me do not mix well. hmm.... but I would very much like to quit and if I quit smoking, that's means that I can't drink anymore, which I'm ok with actually. I just have to do it now. I'll never be ready to quit and Aiden told me the other day that it was stupid and bad for me, and who can argue with that? I don't even smoke in front of him, but he knows that I smoke.... sorry rambling now.

May started Atkins last Monday, I have no idea how much she's lost, but it seems to be more annoying to her than it ever was to me.... she had a nightmare that she was eating pizza and breadsticks last night and felt guilty the whole dream. lol When I started, it was really easy for me, but I was already eating sugar free.

And I am not suer that I know what Fage yogurt is....... anything is possible I guess. I have IBS, so.... yeah, I'm kind of used to that.

[palegirl]

quit smoking! I have no idea how to do it, but that's awesome. Rah rah!

No drinking, no smoking, no anti-depressants, low carbs -- what are you going to replace all those coping mechanisms with? For me it's roller skating and cleaning and being a general all-around control freak. And lately, shopping! Yesterday I went out and spent more money. I'm completely on top of my finances though, so although I've spent more than I'd like, it's do-able right now, but I've got to reign it in.

I bought a jacket & shoes to wear with the D&G, and I bought a new cool/cold weather coat for autumn, possibly into winter. But now I stop with the shopping, right?

[baindegael]

I love that jacket.

[palegirl]

I'm kinda motivated to lose 10 more pounds before october 6th, but that's stupid, and some days I'm like "diet diet diet!" and then there are days, like yesterday, when I'm like "food is yummy! yum, yum!" So anyway, I'm 139 again today. It'd be swell to be 129, but why? Also, the dress currently fits like a dream, and why mess with what's currently working? But then again, losing weight can ONLY improve things, right? No, not right, you crazy anorexic.

I'm feeling kind of screwed up again. Like what is my motivation for any of this? And seriously, why all the shopping? Last night while skating I realized I'm having a major identity crisis. I'm literally VERY UNLIKE MYSELF. There are fundamental truths I believe about myself, and several of them are flat out wrong now. The number one is "I am a big fat girl. I will always be a big fat girl." another one is "I am a slow rollerskater." How much of my *self* is my *body*? I used to hate my body and argue that my self is something other than my body. Now I'm really confused, because I want to cling to that. I am not my body. But at least 75% of all of my attention is on my freaking body all the time. And I don't want to be like, now that I'm thin, "I am my body after all! Hooray body!" What if I get fat again. Or cancer? Then am I not my body anymore? Add to that that I've become obsessed with clothes and style. All I want to do is shop and read fashion mags & blogs. What?

There's also a lot of other stuff about me that is fundamentally different now than it was, oh, I don't know, at least before the cheating and the dumping, but is that the reason for all of this? Are we going to give scoundrels credit for me changing, and what if the change is an improvement? The way I approach problems is fundamentally different. The way I approach relationships is fundamentally different. I'm measured and reasonable in situations that used to be pure emotion. I have perspective on things that I used to just react to.

I think I'm different in ways that I don't understand, as well. These are all simple, obvious things. But at my core I feel like "who is this person?" -- but at the same time, I think this person is better than that other person I thought I was, but I don't want to just flat out reject myself for something new, especially if this is born out of trauma, or possibly temporary. I don't know how the change happened, so how can I be satisfied with it. Does this make any sense at all?

and Jesus, it's 9/11.

[palegirl]

so... what have you decided about the smoking?

[palegirl]

A friend described me as "a rail" on Wednesday night!

[palegirl]

I won game MVP last night! I kicked all kinds of ass! I jammed! I didn't serve ANY penalties! The crowd was roaring for me! It could not have gone any better!!!

[palegirl]