SMILE!!!

[summergirl]

Hello journal...I wanted a title that would make me smile everytime I came to journal~ so summergirl SMILE

I have lost control of my weight again and I really need to figure me out because I cannot keep doing this. Mentally, physically I am done.
I did EFGT back in March (my latest attempt) and lost from 165 to 151 in about 2 months. I was feeling fantastic with my weight loss.

I had a hard time nearly every weekend and would do a 2-3 day fast or stillmans to get me back where I needed to be by the next fridays weigh in...then of course by the next weekend I was feeling so completely deprived and weak and just plain awful that the cycle would start again.

The kids had spring break off in mid-April and I needed a BREAK. I decided to take 1 measly week off to maintain and here I am 2 months later weighing 20 pounds more.

I feel disgusting, my clothes are tight and uncomfortable.

For weeks I have been reading up on different fast weight loss plans only to make it through lunch each day before quitting.

I have decided to do this right, I have decided to do something that i can live with. There is no other way, no more restrictive 'diets' I need to learn how to eat again.

Summergirl...you can do this! You have done it before.
Be positive, be strong...be YOU!

[summergirl]

I have thought a lot about what foods are healthy and what foods make me feel good and vice versa.

I have decided to count calories eating foods I know that will satisfy me and that will be fuel me.
I guess my 'plan' is a little like IE...there will be no off plan foods. I do not do well with restriction at all. I have become quite the 'dieting' rebel and i dont want to diet ever again. I want to go to dinner without freaking out that we are having Italian...God Forbid!! LOL, no more.

I dont want to buy specialty foods...I want to feel normal again. I want to set a positive body image for each of my girls.
I started dieting at 9...there is som ething very wrong with that.

I will be PATIENT...ohhh boy is this a big one. I am not going to lose weight everyday, its okay. I am going to just keep plugging along and everything will turn out just fine.

I am starting with 1600 calories a day...I figure this is a fair amount. I dont want to start too low and feel like I am dieting so I will start with a goal of an average of 1600 calories a day.
I am already exercsing 1 hour a day 5X a week and i will up the intensity each week as I prepare for a race (6 miles....gulp, just around the corner in 5 weeks!)

So there is my basic plan. Yesterday was the first day I have eaten 'good' in nearly 2 months. I feel fantastic this morning, lots of energy, not as bloated as usual, more ooomph in my workout.

I am on my way

[summergirl]

Todays weight 171....

My average for the past few days is 1570 calories.

I got a kick ass workout in yesterday and did a ton of cleaning around the house. I had a few cocktails in the hot tub last night with DH and I know that those are seriously going to have to go soon if I am going to lose this weight.

We are going camping this weekend with some friends so I am not going to worry about the drinks until we get back but just make sure they fit into my calorie quota. This is the kids last week of school (read CRAZY TIME) and we are camping this weekend so even maitaining my weight would be a victory!

In the past 2 days I have baked 80 brownies and 50 peanut butter cup/chocolate chip cookies and only had 1, yes ONE cookie so

1 more DD to bake for!

Thats it for now!

[summergirl]

Not doing well...I am super PMS mode.

We are going camping this weekend and its almost like I 'know' that I am going to let loose and probably gain a few pounds sooooo why bother 'starting' now, ya know?

So instead of just trying to maintain or just eat 'healthy' I have felt the need to cram every carb or bad food I know I wont be eating come next monday.

Sigh...this is not working. I feel so hopeless about the whole thing. I cant belive that less than 3 years ago I weighed 128 pounds. Going through a major depression and picked up some unhealthy habits but geez, get your act together already.
Its time to snap out of it.

I know for sure that I am in denial about my weight gain/size 75 percent of the time. I go through days where I swear I look like I weigh 145 pounds and then I go to put on a pair of size 12 pants and they are too tight ! and it dosent make sense to me.

Pics tell the real story, I see the 'real' me in pics and I dont like what I see at all. I dont look healthy at all, I look like i have given up.

I have weighed as much as 215 (not pregnant) and I am terrified that I am on my way back there.

This feelig sorry for myself , drinking too much , and eating like garbage has got to stop.

Sometimes its gets so overwhelming thinking how far away I am from my goals...but I also know that taking 2 months just to be 'normal' NEVER works for me, because I am not normal and never have been when it comes to food.

I gained 20 pounds in 2 months trying to be normal. I need to track my foods everyday, I need to be aware of how much I am eating.


Sigh...alright thats me today.
I hate PMS and I hate that I still have yet to get my act together. I am going to figure this out if its the last thing I do.

[summergirl]

Oh and i didnt weigh in which is a major no-no....denial equals weight gain. But we are getting ready for a fun camping trip and its the kids last 2 days of school and I am already PMSing and I know seeing the increase in the scale is only going to bring me down so...no weigh in today.

[summergirl]

Camping was fun..
.shocker to get on the scale this morning and see 174.5.

Havent weighed this much in over 8 years, through and through I am completely disgusted with myself.
I have come back to the conclusion that most carbs are not my friend.

I need to get my eating back under control. I have gained 24 pounds in 10 weeks of eating 'normal' foods...I am not satisfied when I eat those kinds of foods. I know low carbing is for me, why do I keep flip flopping?

No MORE broken records, I am done.

I am too disgusted to even put in words how I am feeling about myself right now, so thats it for today.

[firegirl789]

I think that says it all. You will make it, you will see.

[hawkwife]

Summergirl, I go through the same struggles. Keep going, you WILL make it!!!

Jen

[summergirl]

Firegirl and Jen...Thanks for the kind words and the visit!

Feeling 100 times better today...kept my carbs low and and wham down 5 &1/2 pounds overnight.

Holy water retention batman!

Started my training for the 6 mile race in 5 weeks (WTH was I thinking anyways,lol) I plotted a daily caladar to slowly up my running so in hopes that I will be able to run 6 miles straight by the end of July.
This is someone who dosent run unless chased sooooooo

This morning was 1 mile jog and 5 miles powerwalking.

Kicked my butt but I did it!! So very proud of myself today....1 day at a time, gotta keep with it.
No giving up, ever.

[summergirl]

Wow....my body loves low carbing....I am trying to remember why I stray. I love the foods, they fill me up and in 2 days I have gone from 174.5 to 165...simply amazing.

I must have been holding some serious water!

Heres the best part, yesterday I had 2300 calories. When I was gaining the past 2 months thats is just over my average but the difference is the carbs.

Man, I have been down this road so many times, I know this is the way I am supposed to eat. Cant lose focus!!!


Gotta run,but had to brag in my journal!!

[Livywilltim-mom]

Incredible job, KUTGW!

[summergirl]

Thank you Jamie!

Did my 6 mile powerwalk this morning...it was hard my back is a little sore from the little 1 mile jog I did yesterday. Cant wait to feel back in shape again.
I feel heavy and tired a lot of the time and I am ready for that to end!

Went grocery shopping for some more healthy choices, so the fridge is all stocked with lots of good stuff to grab.

Last night we went to a baseball game and I was very proud that I stayed low carb, well I had a few light beers but its a baseball game! We tailgated and had chicken, coleslaw, rolls, mashed potato and gravy and a yummy cinnamon looking cake thing and all I had was the chicken and coleslaw. The kids each had a snack once inseide the game and DH even asked what i was craving....nothing, good for me!

Been a long time since I made it through an 'outing' without eating junk...kinda ridiculous how long its been. Decicded everytime I see a junky carby food I am going to tell myself its herion, its poison and I dont need it.

Its crazy how simple it is...eat healthy low carb and you will lose this weight. I am tired of fighting myself and then feeling bad about it the next day and then repeating the cycle over and over....

Trying to prepare myself for another meltdown like I had 2 months ago..I need a plan when I am ready to lose it next time. Maybe even some planned maintain weeks every few weeks??

Its my 3rd day back on plan and i am surprised that I have not had any bad induction flu type symptoms. I will happily go into ketosis without it just surprised because I had been eating so bad that i really expected bad withdrawls.

Well we are off to bowl tonight, I hope my back doesnt give out on me!

[firegirl789]

Summergirl - Wow! You whole outlook has changed, congratulations on that. And then a double congratulations on your incredible weight loss and a third one for actually doing your power-walk! You are a machine! You will be fit and ready to go in no time.

Keep us posted on how your maintenance plan goes. I have awhile before I have to worry about it myself, but I was thinking I would just do Kimmers for a week anytime I got more than 5 pounds over goal.

Certainly, after carefully tracking everything I eat, I will be making much smarter food choices in the future. Yet, as you said, it is hard to resist that junky food when on outings. So it is important to have a plan of action in place when slip-ups occur.

[summergirl]

Firegirl, isnt it amazing how losing a few pounds,eating better and being in ketosis can make you feel? I went from so low to the complete oppisite in a few days.I was also thinking of doing kimmers too...right now I guess I dont have a specific plan, just keeping it as low carb as I can.

Had another victory last night...we had our bowling league and usually me and DH each have a loaded hot dog and share a basket of garlic fries but I was good and had 1 bunless hot dog and ya know what, dipped the puppy in mustard and a tiny bit of ketchup and it was good!

I had a few drinks again and I am okay with it, there are going to be a few times a week where I want to have my social drinks with everybody and as long as I continue to lose I wont worry about it.

I was down another pound this morning bringing me to 164...I will be thrilled to get back into the 150's. I am only wearing 1 pair of my size 12's (and a bunch of sweat shorts with drawstrings) I am too afraid to try on any of my other 12's because the one I am wearing I know ran big and there are barely fitting so I will wait until I see the 150's before I attempt a try on episode.

I was in a size 10 (for about 5 days) back in April. I have to remind myself that going up 2 sizes in 10 weeks is what will happen the next time I have a meltdown and stop weighing and recording foods...ect. I dont know if I will ever be able to wing it, even when I maitained my 90 pound loss for 5 years I was logging foods and weiging daily.

My back is pretty sore today so I may just do a straight 6 mile walk without the 1 mile jog in there. Dont want to hurt my back too bad.

Thats all I have for now

[summergirl]

Reminder:

This has to be a way of life...gotta remember that!

Spent most of the morning at the docs and pharmacy for oldest DD...told the kids I would get them Mc D's on the way home, we dont have fast food very often at all. We get to the drive thru and I am thnking how good a burger sounds...but then I think "you cant have that""you need to fix yourself something at home, you are on a DIET"

Bells and whistles go off in my head...I am tired and a burger sounds good and I am already here so I am going to have a bunless burger. It was delicous and i didnt feel deprived which is huge for me.

I am determined to make this work for me...there will be no~I cant eat there or I have to cheat because there is nothing to eat. BS, there is a decent enough choice everywhere we go and its up to me to choose good.
I dont want my family to miss out on new or good places to eat because I am on a diet...no more D word.

This is how I eat !!!
I love how I eat!!

[firegirl789]

I totally feel your pain with the buger thing! I want a burger so bad sometimes. Or sushi! I love sushi, but it is all rice! I think, once I hit 250 (gosh, a hundred pounds about your goal!) I might indulge in a bunless burger. I refuse to think of it as a reward, however. Can't reward myself with food.

Oh, and to combat the "But I am here, and I am tired, and I don't want to go home and cook" excuse, I cooked a bunch of chicken breast today, chopped it, sealed it, and tossed it in the fridge. I have a couple of bags of pre-made salad and no excuse at all! Tonight I might try making my own italian dressing.

You are doing great! Keep on losin' and keep us posted!

[summergirl]

Thanks for your support Firegirl...you are doing awesome too!!

Just a quick update today...lots to do in the office (barf, gag,booooo!) I am holding steady this morning at 164 and I am okay with that I have come down nearly 10 pounds in just a few days.

Feeling good, did a 5 mile walk this mornnig.

Need to plan out my weekend as that is usually my downfall.

So glad its friday!!!!

[Livywilltim-mom]

Summergirl,

Congrats on all your exercise, and on the realization that you can find something everyplace to stay on plan.

Peace

[summergirl]

Thank you Jamie, hope you are having a wondeful weekend!

weight 163...tomorrow will be an official 1 week back eating lowcarb and I am down 11.5 pounds!!

I have done really good this weekend, had a few moments where I pondered cheating but quickly snapped out of it. Although the past 2 days I have had intense dreams of eating bad and junky foods, so intense that when I wake up I felt guilty about it. I had to really think, did I eat that?? LOL, whatever, as long as I am eating in my sleep and not for real its all good.

just another quickie...

[summergirl]

Well sunday night I ended up eating off plan...but surprisliy (yup, thats right I cant spell worth beans!) I dont feel bad about it.
I made a choice and there is no use in beating myself up, making excuses or the like. I ate a few things that are not going to help me lose weight but it was only 1 time in a week and life goes on.

I am waiting for a few days to weigh, make sure the 'fun' is out of my system. I know from past experiences that getting back to LCing ASAP is the only way to go. I have had no cravings or anythng like that.

Need to get my 6 miler done...its already 10:30 and its getting hot out there!

Now I wished I had taken measurements when I started last week. Some shorts that were misearbly tight just 2 weeks ago slid on so comfy yesterday, the rolls on the side of my waist have come way in too. What a difference 11 pounds and 1 week make. Not just on the scale either, but mentally I feel so much better eating low carb.

I love that I cant finish a plate a food anymore, I physically am too full too fast. Its a fantastic feeling! I love that when I am done eating~ I am done...no more searching for something sweet just minutes after a meal.

I feel great and I have a lot of determination and patience this time around. Gotta keep both of those things going.

[summergirl]

Still holding 163...


But, I really feel like I am pushing my luck with the eating and ummmm drinking! Just because I lost a lot of weight last week and still enjoyed my nightly cocktails does not mean I should keep doing it, they are going to catch up to me!

I dont want to catch myself in 'maintaince' mode already...which is kinda how I have been feeling with my eating.
I have a lot of weight to lose still!

I am going to be patient ~~but~~ there is no reason to not lose weight every week, even a pound in the right direction is cool.

I am very happy that I can eat 2000 calories a day (with cocktails) including LC tortillas, yogurt and SF jam and still maintain but its losing time baby.

I have a vacation beginnig of Sept. that I want okay I NEED to feel good for!! I have about 9 weeks and I dont want to regret any wasted weeks this summer.

So the nightly cocktails need to go...not saying never again but everyday is a little ridiculous when trying to lose weight.

I am proud of my commitment to exercsie this summer, last summer once the kids were out of school the workouts almost completely stopped and this summer I am doing it!!

Lots to do today including about 12 loads of laundry so I am outa here!

[Lulu Belle]

11 pounds in a week ! You are rocking induction. Great job!

[Livywilltim-mom]

Summer!

I had to totally give up drinking to lose. At first it was really all about losing the weight...but I can see that I was drinking too much really. Using that glass of wine, or cocktail "to relax," or "because I deserve to have some fun" but really, I don't need it, and now feel much better without it. I know I have some moderation problems, so for me, NONE is best. I can say, I am sure that it has helped me drop 25 pounds since April 23.

Great job with the exercise! You are really on your way!

Peace

[summergirl]

Thanks Eileen...though as you can see the yo-yo conitnues.

Jamie...I know what you mean about the relaxing part. I started drinking nightly when my Dad was diagnosed terminal a few years back...it was the only way I could get some sleep. And now, well, its just a habit and a bad one at that.

I keep trying to do this my way, but you know what...apparently 'my' way has been failing me for the past few years.

Years ago when I lost that huge chunk of weight (from 215-128) drinking was not even a thought...it was common sense~~~someone trying to lose weight does not drink alcohol~~ Duh.

So I have decided to give up the cocktails for July (except for the 4th of course) and see what happens with my weight. I actually started yesterday...I figured if I am really serious why not start on the weekend when we have a ton of plans...I made it through bowling and guess what I still had fun.

Time to get back to the basics.

I may even try a elimination diet starting on the 5th...I a pretty sure I am have some food intolarances. This would be a good time to check that out.

Down 1.5 overnight so headed in the right direction (again).

[Livywilltim-mom]

Summer,

Just stopping by to give you encouragement and hugs. Congrats on deciding to slow up with the alcohol...it will really help, in so many ways. If you want to talk about it, feel free to email me. My home address is:
jgoliger@comcast.net. I am not an expert, but have gone to hell and back with it, and am happy to help.

YEAH on the 1.5 loss!

Peace