Being Honest with Myself

[jemma28]

Well, it's time to get real and be honest with myself. So here I am. I have fallen off the wagon and eaten my way back up to 236 pounds. I have all of those familiar fat rolls back that I swore I would never let reappear in my life again. They make it hard to move and they make me uncomfortable in my own clothes and skin. I had fooled myself into thinking that it wasn't really THAT BAD. That was until we went on vacation last week to Disney World. It wasnt the walking or the airplane seat or even the rides that were a problem for me. I had no problems with any of those things. It was my own image in the mirror. I have been living in a fantasy world. I look in the mirror and somehow look past the fat rolls and lumps and bumps under my clothes. I tell myself I look good. I tell myself I am thinner than what I actually am.

That was until I got the 287 pictures back from Disney. There they were glaring back at me. The pictures and all 236 pounds of me. Reality. The fantasy world I have been living in was just that, a fantasy. It's time to get honest with myself and get to work.

It's time to stop the binging. It's time to be honest about my binging habits. Yes, I binge. Big time. I even will wake up from a dead sleep just to binge. It's called sleep eating and I have done it since I was 18 years old and the only thing that stops it is when I truly low carb. I eat to not feel alone. I eat to not feel bored, I eat when I am happy, I eat...I eat...I eat. I have eaten my way back to 236 and It's time to stop the insanity.

So I am going to come here every day and lay it out on the line. I am going to be honest no matter how much it embarrasses me. I am going to purge myself of all of the self loathing thoughts and try to find some positiveness within myself as each day passes. I am going to post my ups and my downs. The good and the bad, and I hope that it will help me to get through this battle. Because this is a battle. I have to win it. For me, my children and my husband. I need to take care of myself for a change and stop being so selfish.

I am sure none of this made any sense, but my thoughts are running all over the place today. Oh, and FYI...I am down 3 pounds and on day #2 of induction.

[jemma28]

I woke up this morning and I was down three more pounds. I feel truly blessed this time. Maybe I am getting that Golden shot one more time because I NEVER lose this quickly but then again I tend to cheat quite a bit. DH is also being very supportive this time around. He hid all of the cookies so that I wouldnt wake up in the middle of the night and eat them. Last night I did wake up to eat but I had a half a hamburger patty and some ranch dressing with a couple of raw carrots. I was awake though last night and not asleep, otherwise I would have gone straight for the carb ladden foods in the pantry. Today I am going to make some flaxseed muffins so that I can have one of those in the middle of the night if I wake up. I am going for my walk again today to get in my excercise and I plan on walking at least a mile a day until I work myself up to a jog. DH also ordered some bike parts to fix my bike so that I could start riding my bike again. So that will be good.

I want this bad. I want to fit into my clothes again. I want these rolls and lumps and bumps to be gone permenantly. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels!

[Brook]

I love that you are losing like crazy! You can totally do it because like you've said, you know Atkins works and you know how to do it.

[jemma28]

Thanks Brook for the encouraging words. I love you to death and you rock. I know we can do this together!

Down 7 pounds.

Yesterday was a VERY hard day for me. I felt like I wanted to eat all day long and basically I did. All of it was legal except for the tiny bite of cookie. I mean it was tiny. Then I felt guilty and ended up making myself a legal dessert so I wouldnt fall off the wagon and go into the kitchen and eat the rest of the cookie later on in the evening. I did have a one pound loss but in the previous two days I have had 3 pound losses each day. So now I have learned my lesson. Stay active, stay away from the TV and stay away from the fridge. Thats my goal for the day today.

I need to go to the grocery store today to stock up on some low carb goodies. I am going to make some jalapeno poppers tonight. I need my peanut butter (which I know is not induction friendly, but a spoon of it in the middle of the night sure does calm me down) I am also going to make a meatloaf tonight and I need to buy a roast for next week. Anyone know of a good substitute for the potatoes when cooking a roast in your crockpot? I am planning on going to Sam's to stock up on eggs, tequila Lime wings, lettuce, chicken ceaser salad kits, and yes, more MEAT.

I hope today is better than yesterday. Come on ketosis. I will post later if my little stick has changed color yet!

[BellaHMB]

Jemma,
This journal is a very good step towards the honesty you want in your life.
I started my plan on 1-16 when I had a dream that I weighed more than I thought I did! I now don't.

Best wishes!
Bella

[jemma28]

So the scale is still at 232. Bummer. This is where I get antsy. I like to see a loss daily. My therapist says to put the scale away and just judge my weightloss by how my clothes feel on my body but I am a scale Ho. I can weigh up to seven times a day. No kidding. Right now my scale is telling me the battery is low and it is a LITHIUM scale. How bad is that? Lithium scales are supposed to last forever. Not mine, I have worn it out. Another person suggested to me to hide the scale and just weigh once a week. That MIGHT be doable.

Onto my menu. Yesterday I skipped breakfast which was a bad thing and I did it again today. I was just too busy to eat. That may be one of the reasons I am not seeing a loss. I am STILL not in ketosis either. I cheated a little both days and ate 1/2 of a rice cake because I am out of peanut butter. So I am going to the store today to get some. I know the rice cakes are keeping me out of ketosis. Yesterday I had fajita steak with all the trimmings (sour cream, avacado, cheese and pico) along with some jalapeno poppers. It was so yummy. But I was up almost all night and I was HUNGRY. Hence the 1/2 of a rice cake. I dont think I ate enough yesterday. So I have already been bad today by skipping breakfast. I figure I will try to get in enough snacks today to make up for it. I had some leftover fajita stak for lunch with the trimmings and I will have a couple of Jalapeno poppers for a snack later on and the my planned meatloaf for dinner.

I will go for a walk tonight when it cools off some. Today it will reach a high of 95 degrees. HOT HOT HOT. And its only June.

Oh and I got my hair done last night when my dear friend Juan came over and put some highlights in and gave me a blowdry. So here is a pic of that:



Hopefully I will be shrinking from this full body shot soon:



You have no idea how much that hurt to post that picture. That was taken last week at Disney World. My weight was 239 in the pic. And it shows.

Back with an update tomorrow.

[Brook]

I don't think you look like 239 in that picture at all! I love the hair.

Don't give up which is easier said than done. When I lose and feel it in my clothes, there's this weird snap in my brain that thinks it's ok to eat garbage "a little" again. Give the scale to DH to hide and try to pick one day or two days to weigh.

[jemma28]

I love you Brook!

[jemma28]

I have gained 2 pounds. Time to look at my menu and get serious here. I think my body hates me. No more cheese at all. No more peanut butter and no more strawberries. Those are the only things I can think of that could have caused me to GAIN. I swear I feel like My only options at this point are meat and veggies. So that is what I will do. No eating out, no snaking.

This is just ridiculous. And I am flaming mad at myself.

[TXLoser]

I can see the cheese and PB causing gains...but aren't strawberries lc? I would have to see you get rid of everything.

If you are skipping breakfast are you eating enough food?

Keep at it Jill.......

BTW, I agree with Brook..you certainly don't look 239 in the picture...

[jemma28]

It's been a few days. There was a reason I wasn't posting. I fell off the wagon the other night after a HUGE fight with DH. No excuse but it happened. So Here I am on a Sunday, ready to start over again. I didn't gain any weight but I didn't lose any either.

This behavior just isn't helping me at all. The fridge is stocked up and I am ready to go. I will post later on today with my menu and stats.

[Livywilltim-mom]

Hi Jill,
Just stopping by to give you encouragement and support.
Your journal is such a great tool for you, keep it up.

Peace

[jemma28]

Thank you Jaime!

Breakfast: Coffee with HC
Lunch: Broccoli with butter
leftover steak
Dinner: Baked chicken
Spring Green Mix Salad
Potobello Mushrooms

[Fearless Sunflower]

I gained 2 lbs on day 4 and they went away on day 5. Maybe you lost so much in the beginning that it was just your body evening itself out. You will do great, just keep it up I just finished my first week induction with a 3.5 lbs loss. I was bummed, but people here kicked my butt to cheer up, I'm here to kick your butt, you are doing great! Just get back on it

[jemma28]

Breakfast:1/2 hard boiled egg
Coffee w/HC and Splenda

I have no Idea what I am going to do for lunch. Back in a bit.

[Brook]

How's it going??