From Wheelchair to Tae-Bo...

[mmam5]

Faith!!!!

Night time was always hard for me too... Does it help over the weekend when DH is home to keep on track? I know I'm always worse when the kids go to bed and there isn't anyone around to say no (even if it's in my head )

I'd love to read your poetry! I have no abilities in that direction, but admire others who do

[FaithM.]

Oddly enough, having DH home actually makes it more difficult for me. Sure, it helps that he can take over mealtimes with them and often does. In that way it's a help to me. The only thing I can figure with wanting to eat all the time with him being home is it goes back to how hectic our lives together has always been, with his being away probably 80 percent of the time from the start of our married life. We always ate together, spending that time around meals/snacking on those rare occasions he was home, that is how we would catch up with one another. And I've noticed we still do that. Old habits truly do die hard, huh?

I will think seriously about posting some of my poetry. Perhaps I will let that depend on how badly you guys actually wanna see them!

[FaithM.]

Well I was going to do a bit more posting and reading but DD reminded me I am using up her 'puter time, LOL! She'll be going beddy-bye before long so I am letting her have her turn now.

[FaithM.]

V-DAY COUNTDOWN: 3! No, we're not ready yet!

Saturday's Menu:

Brunch -- 2 deviled egg halves
celery stalk/cream cheese

S -- 2 slices kiolbassa sausage (Walmart sample lady)
beef & cheese stick (pre-pkg. singles at store)

D -- rotisserie chicken/mayo/bacon bits
deviled egg half

S -- celery stalk/cream cheese
turkey-cream cheese rollups
pizza pretzel combos (10) I don't know why

BEVS:
WATER
3 c. coffee w/cream & splenda
grn tea packet (1)
diet coke plus

WORKOUT? N

WT: 175 up a lb.

Having a bit of mental emotional issues again and self doubt. Do I want to talk about it? Could any of this really be therapeutic or am I just spouting nonsense? One thing: I felt okay at first not being where I wanted to be in time for this trip but when I put on my new pair of size 16 stretch jeans today my mood instantly changed. I think I look worse in them than in my current jeans (same brand, same size). Now I am not so okay with it. The jeans are a bit too snug on me and now I feel flabbier than ever. Which prompts me to say, "what the hell!" with thoughts of raiding the kitchen for what I have really been wanting but trying to convince myself I don't want!

I keep praying one day soon that I experience this one big, defining moment, when I finally reach a happy medium between satisfaction and deprivation. Where I can be content enough with where I am to accept it yet still keep that motivation within to keep on going until I at last reach my goal. This is the closest I have been in 18 years, I never thought it possible before now. Now I am at the point it is SO close and I wouldn't even dream of quitting but I have set myself back so many times I fear slipping completely, with all of it within my reach. Sure, I have made it this far but will I make it the rest of the way because sometimes I truly wonder!

I think I may have gotten way too deep just now, lol! So, this is what happens right about 3 a.m. and ya don't get enough sleep.

[AuntieMame]

You WILL DO IT!! I know you will.

Try to enjoy every minute of your vacation. Years from now when you look back you will only remember the time with the famiily not what size you were. Okay? Take lots of deep breaths and give yourself permission not to be negative to yourself. Take a vacation from negativity. Then, when you get back you can recommit and burn rubber to achieving your goals.


BTW, I'm not even gonna ask what a pizza pretzel combo is... it sounds like a carb-lover's fantasy.

[FaithM.]

Thank you, Dixie! You are right, I need to relax and enjoy this and stop worrying so much over my weight and what size I am. I don't know when the family will ever get the chance to do anything this major again and here I am beating myself up over a flabby belly and on the verge of ruining the occasion with a rotten attitude. Know what? I AM going to take your advice and give myself permission not to be negative to myself. I think I've fallen into that mind trap for so long I have come to expect it.

Oh, and pizza pretzel Combos are little cylinder shaped snacks made with either pretzel or cracker and filled with cheese or pizza flavoring. No better than every other kind of snack cracker or chip and just as hard to stop at only a few!

[FaithM.]

There are these mental images that have kept replaying over and over in my head of my very last excursion on a plane. That terrible experience is permanently engraved in my memory. It was about 4 years ago and I was flying up north to visit DH, who was at the time stationed in the New England area. I had been so excited at the prospect of seeing him again for the first time in months but it really spoiled my mood being bombarded with all the hateful stares and condescending remarks made by perfect strangers. And I wasn't even at my heaviest!

It is difficult for me not to have anxieties over this trip coming up. Even though I am a good 100 lbs. less than I was then I still see myself walking through the airport, all eyes on me, the nasty glares. Boarding the plane and those 2 teenage girls snickering to each other while pointing their fingers at me. The not-so-hot-themselves guys sitting beside me saying, "WOW I had not realized just how big these seats were till now!" Again, not even was I at my heaviest then!

I know I'm not still the same size but a mind never forgets things like that. While one side of me has been greatly anticipating the whole experience of doing this over while being "acceptable" the other side of me worries that everybody will be focused on my lumpy body!

Just had to get that out.

[mmam5]

I have high hopes that your experience on THIS trip will be a Fun, Loving, happy time with your family!!!! You have our permission to give yourself AND your family a huge hug anytime you feel negative thoughts coming over you while on vacation.

Changing our body images of ourselves is one of the last things to complete on our journeys.... I've been the same weight per se since last fall and I too have days when I just don't see/feel like I've lost anything...

Quit talking about them Combos! Goodness you're making my mouth water...

I have a great recipe for Flaxmuffins! Even the kids loved them... I altered it a bit and added protein powder to give it a bit more "substance" They were so good they FELT like cheating MMm - they would travel well too...

[Tracey40]

Faith - You are going to be just fine on vacation and the plane! Worry about the rest when you get back.

Go and have a great time, have some fun!!! You really need the vacation and I truly hope you forget everything and just have a great time!!

[AuntieMame]

I'm sorry you had that experience.

This vacation will be the best ever for you!! And we'll be here when you get back.

Marci - I would love to see that altered flaxmuffin recipe, btw.

[Tracey40]

Originally Posted by AuntieMame

I'm sorry you had that experience.

This vacation will be the best ever for you!! And we'll be here when you get back.

Marci - I would love to see that altered flaxmuffin recipe, btw.

Me too - I'll take a PM!

[mmam5]

Hey Dixie, Faith and Tracey...

I posted it in my journal so I don't forget what I did

Flax Muffins

I used some real sugar and real syrup... so if you stick to the original recipe it will be more LC...

[Tracey40]

Disney World and low-carb!

Faith found this link tonight! How timely! You are going to have a blast!!!

Thanks for the recipe Marci!

[FaithM.]

Hey there my dear Friends!! I truly do appreciate your sweet and kind words of encouragement! It really helps to smooth this bumpy road a bit having you guys to talk to and to cheer me on.

Marci -- I'm glad you brought up the Flaxseed Muffins! I used to make them quite a bit but I haven't in a really long time. Now I am wanting some! Perhaps once I get back I'll pull out that recipe and bake up a few.

Dixie -- I'm so excited we're getting to go back and I don't want it to pass by too quickly but I'm so glad I have you guys to come back to. Can't wait to come back to tell all about everything!

Tracey -- Thank you for sending me that link...how cool that this came up! Now I have some great ideas for what to eat while I'm there.

btw, I do plan to lose a few lbs. while I'm away! I know things haven't been going so well lately with the sticking to plan but I think as long as I am eating sensibly and not too late at night or off plan then it can be done. I just figure in with all that walking and the activities there will be no reason not to...unless I am pigging out! Which I do not plan to do!

[FaithM.]

Well, this will probably be the last entry I get to make before we head off early Wednesday morning as I know tomorrow is going to be hectic enough and I doubt I'll get anywhere near this computer! I've been keeping busy around the house getting all our things ready. Plus getting the house straightened so that it is all nice and neat when we arrive back home. And preparing the kids. I think they will do just fine on their first trip to the airport! I am as excited for them as I am to be making this trip together.

Anyway, here is my menu from Monday. I kept busy all day so I pretty much just grazed:

Brunch -- tuna salad
hard boiled egg

S -- Can vienna weiners

S -- turkey-mayo roll-ups (4)

and pre-pkgd Bumblebee grilled chicken breast (just got thru eating this because I was feeling hungry and it was either that or something off plan and junky. Something like Combos!

BEVS:
water
grn tea to-go (2 packets)
diet coke plus

WORKOUT? N

I also decided to post some more older entries from my other journal in case anyone wanted to read over them while I am away.

See you guys when I get back!!

[FaithM.]

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18, 2006 1 WEEK

One Week! Wow…I just realized yesterday marked a week on plan! Successfully, no cheating I must add. I’ve been super high on motivation and want this to truly be the beginning of the rest of my life healthy. I don’t want to stay this way, where I hinder myself so and hide myself from real relationships. I can’t even show my online/penpal friends what I look like. Anytime they bring up the topic of pictures I change the subject fast! I hate, hate feeling that way. I have so little faith in people, it’s sad but it’s just that I’m tired of “this” being everyone’s first and lasting impression of me. I want them to think nice things like, “Oh she’s pretty” or “she looks really nice” not “Oh…she’s a heavy girl” or “she’d look really good if she was smaller”. Admit it…you do it too! Whether or not it matters to you or whether you care or not it is still in the back of your mind, right? Right. It's human nature. It’s like when you meet certain people, subconsciously you’re thinking, “Oh she’s got red hair”, “wow she’s pretty tall”, “her hair is long”. Well, for those like me it’s “Ahh-haa, she’s overweight (insert any synonym there). It IS always the FIRST thing everyone notices about me and that’s what makes me sick! Well that’s the part I’m trying to change!

I was on my stationary bike for about 15 minutes yesterday and even got down on the floor and did some stretches—and joined the kids in with me…heh it was fun! But I can’t get up & down off the floor very well and with having Fibromyalgia and still recuperating from a bad bout last year I’m still very limited and even more stiff than usual. I awoke this morning with both arms literally throbbing! I had to pop 2 Percocet then the rest of the morning was pretty unproductive. So I’m laying off the bike today and not doing the treadmill as I planned because my arms ache and my head hurts. I’m a firm believer in “working out” the soreness so otherwise I’d be doing that but this headache is really bringing me down today!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20, 2006

I’m feeling pretty good so far. Last evening I got on the exercise bike for 15 minutes and did my stretches. That part turned into some really fun Family Time and Chris, Steph, & Jessi all had me laughing so hard! I can’t believe they don’t do “Arm Circles” in P.E! So they did some with me and realized it hurt more than they thought it would haha!

I’m drinking so much water we can’t seem to keep stocked anymore. DH's half joking about going broke on store-bought. It’s 3:30 AM, I’m on my last bottle and that’s all I’ve got till he gets home later tonight so I had to do the one thing I flat-out dreaded—drinking tapwater. I dare not tell him that it’s actually pretty okay or else he’ll stop buying the store jugs! I’m still partial but atleast I know I won’t have to be dying of thirst all day whenever we run out.

OH…I found a really cool recipe for a low-carb version of Scotch Eggs that I can’t wait to make. I didn’t even know there was such thing! It’s a Scottish dish and all you do is wrap uncooked Owen’s sausage around hard boiled eggs and bake. Sounds really YUM!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 24, 2006 WEEK 2

My 2 week mark today and my very first weigh in! I’m pleased! I lost 8 lbs and that “not good enough” attitude! Trust me, at this point, any loss is a welcome one! I can’t wait to change my Weight Ticker. It’s been a good, long while since I’ve been in the 280’s (and stayed there). Now I’m looking forward to my new goal: 10 lbs off into my 270’s. I’m feeling really good and have a lot more energy than even a week ago. Thus far I’m having no problems with temptation or wanting to stray from plan. I know every day and every week might not go as smoothly so I’m hanging tightly to each moment for as long as I can. I’m going to be doing another 2 weeks on induction and put off adding artificial sweeteners as well.

Today’s weight: 284

[FaithM.]

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1, 2006 WEEK 7

Yesterday marked 7 weeks and it feels good to say I've been hanging in there and have continued to stick with this! Somedays I'm feeling better than others though, when I'll look at myself and feel like I've made such progress, the not so good ones where I hardly feel much difference. I'm getting a little impatient that my clothes aren't falling off me yet. They feel looser but I'm ready to be further along than this. I'm doing everything in my power to be successful and do what I need to do. Still nervous about next week's weigh in, so worried I'm going to see the number 8 again I've been working my ass off, everyday I'm either on the treadmill, stationery bike, or outside playing badminton w/the kids. I actually went out bike riding w/Steph last Sunday! Having been about 18 years since I've been on a bike and with me now being at my near heaviest and coming off a debilitating illness--that's a huge, huge deal for me! I almost felt like I was going to fall down getting on and off but she braced me and gave me extra support.

TUESDAY, MARCH 28, 2006

A good, good morning...I lost another 2 lbs on the scale as of this morning, that is 7 lbs in one week!! I have to thank the Meat & Eggs Fast I did last week, it really jump started me and, though I am still an Atkins gal, I've decided to lean a little more to the plan referred to as Kimkins, which is similar to what I'd been doing anyway--it's low carb, lowfat, low calorie. I know I said I could never do this kind of thing long term but the true plan does allow fats in moderation and that is the only way I've decided I could give it a go, I would never last as strict as I did last week. I also contribute the 4 straight days of intensive workouts from Friday-Monday for my progress. I just started back up on Billy Blank's Tae Bo tapes I have from years ago. I just now finished a 25 minute workout. Wow, this sure has been an unbelievable 11 1/2 months...from Wheelchair to Tae Bo hehe!! Doing everything I can to not be back there again...ever!!

Todays weight: 265

[Blondie Baby]

Faith, I just stumbled on your journal and I gotta say Way to go sista!!! You are incredible! Such an inspiration for me! You hang in there. I KNOW you can do this! I know how hard it can be when you have all those chips and crap for the kids in the house (I have 6 kids myself). But you'll make it! I'm like Marci, I like to prepare alot of stuff in advance. I do alot with chicken breast. One of my favorites is to just boil them and them and the grind them up in a food processor. Then mix in some low fat mayonaise and eat it rolled up in lettuce leaves.

Keep up the great work and I'll be checking to cheer you on!!!

[FaithM.]

Hi Maryam!! Thank you so much for the extra vote of confidence! Wow, you have me one-upped on the kids! Yes, it is SO much harder with having those tempting snacks around (even those that they don't really need either, lol), not to mention regular mealtimes. Never in my life knew I had that much self-control!

Please stop in and say Hi anytime!

[AuntieMame]

Originally Posted by FaithM.

Dixie -- I'm so excited we're getting to go back and I don't want it to pass by too quickly but I'm so glad I have you guys to come back to. Can't wait to come back to tell all about everything!

I can't wait to hear all about it!

[FaithM.]

The family arrived home early evening yesterday. And though we had lots of fun at Disney, I am just SO, SO happy to be back home!! Wish I could say it was all Good Times but what vacation ever is, true?

I will get more into it later but let me say this: I am trying to focus more on all the positive moments from this trip. There are some things that have been really bugging me and perhaps if I discuss them it will help. I realize I am a sensitive and emotional person so how much of things I am simply overreacting to that is hard to say. I just don't GET certain types of people tho!!
I have pushed so many things to the back of my mind, tried blocking them out. It has been a long, stressful 6 days and I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained.

G'Night!

[AuntieMame]

I hope you get some rest.

Glad you're back.

[Tracey40]

Faith - I had hoped the trip would be so much fun for you! Check back in later, I'm sure you are just beat!

[mmam5]

Faith! We're glad to have you back... Get caught up on reading/ laundry, etc.