From Wheelchair to Tae-Bo...

[Jake]

Originally Posted by FaithM.

Everyone who was concerned. I'm doing alright now. Things have just been extra crazy here at home with the house, kids, etc. so I've taken advantage of that time to take a break from the computer and focus more of my attention on rest and taking care of the family.

I also just need more time to think things thru and figure them out on my own for awhile so I don't know when I'll be back. It has gotten overwhelming, yes but I also wanted to let you guys know that I am far from giving up and no, I am not quitting!

Luv you guys!

So glad to hear from you - you're a rockstar! Sometimes life just slaps you upside the head with a dead trout - I think we've all been there.

Lots of positive thoughts and good will your way!

[FaithM.]

Oh, wow! I came here to update my journal and started to get scared because I couldn't find it! It had fallen completely off the map! It has been a little over a month since I had written so I knew it was gonna be way back there but I thought I had completely lost everything. So it's a good thing I found it I guess because I had already decided I wasn't going to start up another one, this is it.

I won't go into too awful much about my latest personal woes. Much of it has to do with my weight anyway and not far off from what most or everybody else goes through in the battle. I simply took my much needed break to try and regroup and get my thoughts together and regain my focus. I feel I am slowly...very slowly...coming out of the depression I had fallen in. Maybe not quite myself yet but I am getting there, I think. Just ready to move on now.

It has hit me the past couple of days that I really haven't much of a choice but to get my act together and fast! Either that or fall seriously ill. I am experiencing some warning signs and fear that my Fibromyalgia may be flaring up once again. I have spent the past few weeks brushing off the intermittent lower back pain to the twinges here and there in either of my legs and feet that come and go. And I have been limping alot lately, but the past two days I have been experiencing alot of joint pain as well as some noticeable swelling in my feet and legs. I feel the tightness of my skin along with a couple of sore, soft spots on my left foot and ankle. My skin has become very itchy and red around the areas I have the most swelling. A few days ago I had to lie down because I got two sharp jabs in my knee and foot that made it hurt to walk. Just came from out of the blue! I sort of shrugged those off too because the pain left about as quick as it came but I realize now I really need to stop playing around.

All these things worry me greatly. I know what it is like now spending endless months in a hospital bed and being pushed in a wheelchair and my greatest fear, right there next to regaining all my weight, is ending up there again! Looking back, it was not an ordeal that only I went through but my DH and children suffered too. Everything I have busted my butt for over the past 20 months was to completely recover and leave that all behind for good. I just feel really stupid now that I have wasted all year screwing around with my health, losing sight of my goals like it all can wait! I cannot allow myself to forget what I worked so hard for and why!

The first thing I am going to do tomorrow is print out two copies of a picture of myself at the height of my illness. It was taken in the summer of 2005 and I am lying in the hospital bed in our living room with my youngest DD lying next to me. If I wasn't at my heaviest it was very close...2 lbs away from 300. I am going to put one copy next to my side of the bed so it is the last thing I look at when I go to bed at night and the first thing staring me in the face every morning when I wake up. The other copy is going up on the refrigerator. If this is what it takes to remind me of just how low my lowest point was and precisely how I do not want to end up again, then I will look at that picture every day for as long as it takes!

I will try to get back and be consistent with this journal. I have my plan set in my mind and it is going to include No More Cheating Period! I think the symptoms of the last two days has been enough to scare myself back into being totally serious with my LC WOE. Right now I have a whole lot of water weight from all the off plan eating bloating me up. Hopefully that is the main reason for the swelling but even still it is a great reminder to me that this is the best time to stop filling my body with crap and get real! I figure after taking off a good 20-30 lbs. my symptoms should be completely gone and I will feel a lot better about myself.

[NarcissisticFairy]

Welcome Back!!

I've missed seeing your journal entries. I can only imagine what you've been going through. I've had abit of a smilar time to you, but obviously not as bad, but it has made me wonder just what I'm doing. Lately I have definately felt the urge to just go away and try to maintain for awhile and get "it" all out of my system, whatever "it" is. But somehow I know that probably won't help me.

So I'll carry on limping along, and draw inspiration from people like you.

So good to see you back.

[FaithM.]

Fairy! Thanks for welcoming me back. I feel bad I have fallen behind on everyone else's journals too, I have so much catching up to do! I'm sorry to hear you've been having so many problems and setbacks with your knee still. I remember you having surgery awhile back. That had to suck!

I know what you mean about feeling the need for getting away sometimes. I cannot say how much good my break actually did me. Think I spent as much time lollygaggin' around as before, LOL! I kind of shouldn't be too surprised I am having the trouble I am having now. In fact, I am astounded to still be getting around as well as I am considering how I have treated my body lately.

[Tracey40]

Welcome back my friend!

I hope you find what is best for you in the way of the food program. I know you will!

The one thing you can count on is your body telling you that you need to do something! Do it for yourself first, then your kids and DH.

I know you will succeed!!! I look forward to your posts about your good and bad times, you know we all have them!!!

[mmam5]

Faith! You've taken the first step- you're listening to your body - which is yelling at you

We're here for you and we KNOW you'll get where you need to be... so if you need a :hug:, a , a or whatever .... just let us know

[FaithM.]

Tracey and Marci...Hey there my friends! You will definitely still be hearing about all the good and the bad (hopefully gradually with a lot less bad) and oh yeah my body has been yelling at me for certain!

Tracey, where is that lovely picture of you?

Wow, Marci, take a look at those muscles!

[FaithM.]

Today started out well but has ended up awful! Eh yup...things haven't changed much have they? So much for that hiatus for getting my head on straight. And for fresh starts and No More Cheating!!

I have messed up my body real good! When will I get my act together and stop messing around? This is serious! I don't want to get sick again.

[FaithM.]

Oh yeah and I just updated my signature weight. Not pretty, not pretty at all!

[FaithM.]

Alrighty now, after changing my avatar pic 500 times, LOL!

[mmam5]

Ohhh - I like that Pic Faith ... very nice

Don't be so hard on yourself... it's a j o u r n e y ... not a race ... one step at a time and all that yadda yadda...

Do you plan for a later evening "snack" maybe incorporate that into your eats for the day... make it something filling, but still half good ... like my yogurt/peanut butter/protein powder combo ... tastes like Ice cream, but its' more like dessert... KWIM? And ya - I use LC/LF yogurt ...

I'm liking the muscles... they're just now starting to show up a bit... even gained a couple of pounds... mostly water, but it hasn't gone away...

[FaithM.]

Thanks for the compliment on the pic, Marci! That is the evening view from the back of our house that I love looking upon every evening. I have so goshdarn many sunset pics it is ridiculous, LOL!

That this is a journey and not a race, I need that constant reminder, so thanks. That's exactly what I have been trying to convince my brain, that it really doesn't matter in the long run if we get there in 6 months or a year or two, it is that we learn to place our relationship with food into the proper perspective so that the weight stays off. I realize I have spent all year long spinning my wheels whereas if I had been happy with a few lbs. here and there and stayed consistent I likely would even have been at my goal by now. Even still, I am struggling with raising my calories and not depriving myself though. I know I can't jump straight from 400 to 1500 or whatever.

I like the idea for keeping an evening snack on hand and it is important to make it enjoyable! I'm trying so hard to go easy on myself with that issue, that it is okay to eat a little in the evenings if I need a little something.

I hope there aren't any typos in this. I'm late getting DS up for school. Gosh I'm being a such a slacker this morning, LOL! Once I get back to catching up with the "other thread" I won't be getting anything else done today!

[Tracey40]

Hey girl! Haven't been around much this week with work being so busy and no computer at home right now!

I'm thinkin' of ya!!!

[nicsweed]

hey faith welcome back the old boards hav'nt been the same without you!

[FaithM.]

aww thanks Nicole! You look so cute in your avi!!

Thanks guys for keeping me in your thoughts. I will try to get by here and update soon.

[mstamika]

Still reading your journal but so far from what I've read you have had an amazing journey!

If I may share a little insight and unsolicited feedback. It seems you are in a lose weight mode versus a lifestyle change process.

You have so much to be proud of yourself for I know you went backwards but how else will you master your weak areas.

I am so proud of you for losing the weight. I am proud of you for losing the weight gaining it back and getting back on a plan to lose it again.

More than anything make your future changes ones that you can live by. If you can check out the eDiet CDs that I keep talking about. They are really good.

If I've overstepped my bounds on unsolicited feedback just let me know.

Again congratulations on continuing your journey!

One more for the road.

[Blondie Baby]

Faith - Sweety! So glad you're back! I was so worried about you! I am for your health, both mental and physical. Please, please, please don't leave again. We can help you get back on track and get your health back! if i can do it, anyone can! And Faith - I'm only 5lbs from goal!!!!!!!!!!!! You can be there, too! You just gotta get your focus back.

[FaithM.]

Mstamika! It was so nice for me to come on this morning and see you here! No, you aren't overstepping any boundaries at all, I wouldn't ever feel that way! I caught sight of your journal and it gave me a refreshing dose of motivation. You are inspiring to me! I try to keep my eyes open because I realize this is something I can't do completely on my own. We all need the outside support to give us the drive to help keep us moving forward.

I have given serious thought to what you said above and I have to agree. I think I have ended up putting more of an emphasis on dropping the weight and less on making this a lifestyle change. I began with the best of intentions then I guess when I discovered fasting and it hit me that I was actually getting to a place I hadn't been in more than 15 years, it slowly became about reaching a certain point and then I would focus on taking the rest off sensibly. Well, that never happened because I got so burned out and was making myself sick!


I think deep down I have just never forgiven myself for not being able to catch myself while I was ahead. I have been told that 40 lbs. is nothing to cry over but what many have to understand is it is different when you are on the way down as opposed to getting to a low weight then going back up. The other thing is losing so rapidly that a great deal of your muscle mass has been lost along with fat so that when you regain it is with ALL the flab, being left with no muscle tone. Yes, I have totally shot myself in the foot, I am afraid!

True, the 190's is a blessing compared to being in the 290's and I'm greatful I can still claim my 100 lb. loss but I don't feel that change anymore. All I feel is the extra flabbiness that I didn't have 40 lbs. ago. It seems I live everyday yearning for the way I used to feel while still battling with the truth that I am not physically, mentally, or emotionally capable of the deprivation I was putting myself through for a good, long time.

[FaithM.]

Maryam! I have missed you! Where've you been?! Thanks so much for stopping by. I noticed your Avi on another thread earlier this morning and thought, I have to find her and tell her how sweet she and DD look together!

I did also notice you're very close to your goal now! First let me congratulate you and tell you how proud I am of you! Second, I will ask what you have been doing to get there! Remember, I've got my eyes open now, guys! (me with eyes wide open)

[FaithM.]

Just a few more words from me before I carry on with my morning. *sigh* And I know this is in contrast to my seemingly uplifted spirit of the previous post but here goes...

I fell again last night! I don't know if it hurts more to accept it for myself or to come here again and say it out loud to everybody else. All I do know is I am in a great deal of physical pain this morning and my spirit is wounded. I have come a long way, yes and I haven't given up, no; but it seems I cannot even bask in the glory of the times when I do have my act together because the occasions in between that keep messing me up invalidates everything else in my mind. I saw 200 this morning! I can't afford another down day and I know it. I never forget it. So this is moving forward? I don't feel like it is.

I wish the world sometimes could know me inside and out so to totally comprehend what goes through my mind and the experiences past and present that have made me who I am today...then maybe that would make it easier to understand how I can keep doing this to myself. Then often I ask myself why anyone would care, I am just one of many here!! Why should I matter?

Ok, this may be a bit deep but I am in a zone now so I guess I will just go with the flow. I share a lot here but I also hold back a lot! I know we in turn get what we give out and that is little pieces of ourselves. I will try not to keep typing and deleting everything because that is what I am doing right now!

I am caught between wanting to step out and let people get to know me (both here and IRL) and keeping to myself in my quiet little corner where it is "safe". I used to be an extremely active poster in another board I was a member of, not a weight loss board. Knowing how I was there and how I am here no one would know I am the same person. I got close to many but one in particular was trying to get way closer than I was comfortable with. He was a friend in one regard and an emotional abuser in another. I spent days and nights in tears IRL letting my relationship with this person and a couple of others affect me. I was recuperating from my illness and had Percocet for the pain of that. Soon I began swallowing extras to help me cope with the pain of my stomach twisting into knots. I didn't have to let anyone get that close to me, ya know! It was the internet, I reached out as much as they did. So to fix it? Just cut off, duh! It was as much my fault for getting tied up as anybody's. I left there and never went back. No big deal in the big scheme of life, right? I simply let it carry over so I decided to keep pretty much to myself here so that wouldn't happen again. I feel isolated though because it isn't in my nature but I have become harder in a lot of ways and mostly I just don't care one way or the other anymore. But I still share a lot about me, even way more than I ever intended to obviously. Why? Because I have a big mouth and I am an emotional person and it gets hard sometimes holding all that inside. I also have a nerve problem and it doesn't take much in life to upset me. That is one aspect of myself I think I despise more than anything!

I just about deleted all of that! Like, people are probably reading here thinking, "so what the heck does she want us to do about it?! Sheesh! How messed up is she! Heck, I know this is supposed to be a weight loss journal and support site but I am sorry, I am making it my personal diary. Ugh! I have one of those already...so I'm leaving here and going there, LOL!

I can log out of here and never come back and just carry on with life as I know it and most wouldn't care...but likely I will keep coming back because the friends I have made here, who thus far have let me know I do matter, make me feel I am wanted here. Oh, and secretly, deep down, I really do want to be known as an inspiration!

[Tracey40]

Faith - I'm glad you got that out. It's not what we need to do about it, but rather the support and relief you feel when you do open up. You know? This is a journal, it encompasses everything and includes weight loss - we all know there are so many emotions and other things tied to why we eat and why we do anything! So post away and know that we are here to listen, give hugs and help if we can! You are not alone in this and certainly not alone in what you feel and have experienced, someone has always been there also.. so take comfort in knowing that. (you are not a mess! LOL)

You are an inspiration!! We all have life get in the way of our hopes and dreams but it doesn't have to be for long! I know that you will find the strength to continue a WOE that works for you, I know you will find the time for yourself to get on that TM each day, I know that you are a great mother and wife, and I know that you will find the strength to get through these items that are troubling you in life, to get rid of the cobwebs and move forward, I know that you can!

Love you Faith!!

[FaithM.]

Thank you, Tracey! You have no idea how much those words meant to me! Big You have been there for me from day one and I appreciate that so much. Thanks for continuing to have faith in me even when I haven't shown any in myself.

[mmam5]

Tracey - you have a fantastic way with words

Faith - You are ALWAYS missed when you "take a break"... think we all need that once in a while to get our lives in order ... so to speak.

And Tracey's right - food/diet and emotions are all tied together... once we work out our emotions, then our diets will eventually fall into place... or so 'they' tell us

Hang in there Faith!

[mstamika]

Tracey - You are right on point.

Faith - I am in 100 agreement with Tracey. There is no way to unravel the hold food has on you without having the things it is tied to come pouring out.

You will see several times in my journal that I know I am emotional eating; I just don't call out specifically what it is tied to. However in my life over here outside of cyberspace I make efforts to get support to deal with the challenges that the emotional eating is tied to.

That help sometimes comes in the form of friends that listen to me and other times I get the help of a professional that helps me dig deeper. In both situations I am working to get to the root of the issue so I can fix my symptom of eating when I'm not hungry.

If you are not comfortable talking with anyone consider getting books related to whatever the root issue is; if its fear, neglect from your childhood, not being validated, not enough hugs or affection, whatever it is someone has written a book about it and how they got through to the other side.

Faith, most importantly stay close to the fire, i.e. those who care and are willing to support. I have fallen off the wagon several times, in my journal I talk about and work through it. Guess what I am going to fall again. I'm currently reconsidering how I am approaching my lifestyle change. Should I have 1 hour a month to let myself eat whatever? The point is my spirit does not agree with never being able to eat anything that I enjoy on the other side of that coin is not letting my wounded spirit eat everything it wants to enjoy. I am searching for life long balance that will allow me to be successful for the super duper long run. You'll get to see how I work this out in my journal and if you ever want or are curious about more intimate details of my struggle feel free to PM me and I'll gladly share.

And I can relate to losing weight but feeling flabby and it equating to feeling like your success is diminished a bit. Great that was a lessoned learned. This time around I'm exercising. I've given myself a year to lose the weight I want to lose. Am I anxious about how slow the weight is dropping off or how absolutely long 365 days truely is, hell yes but I refuse to try and do it faster and be right back where I was. This time it's for life.

Well this post has gotten longer than intended but I wanted to give you a complete thought. You are far from alone in your struggle. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.