MoBY'S

[mobykat]

ok i need to get back into it, im up to 118kg and Ive had enuff. So conversion.....259.60..OW that is scary. I remember only just surpassing 200 and felt in shock. Well today Ive had a sausage sandwich, a can of tuna and 2 cans of coke. Dave (My DBF0) is cooking me dinner, so god only knows what I am having. I have gotten to a point where its too hard to bend over, i no longer can walk far let alone run, but somehow still cant find the motivation to keep on plan. I am doing my shopping tomorrow night so will be working from that. I need to get back on to these boards and find some of the motivation i have been lacking. I am thinking of maybe trying a different plan. I have been restarting atkins every few weeks now since as long as i can remember and still no results. Who was it that called this insanity???

My partner and i really want a baby, i cant have a baby at 260lbs, i need to be at least 160. My first goal tho, is 187.00. I want to fit back into all the clothes in my wardrobe. So that is 72lbs or 32.3kgs. well really i want 33kgs. Its such a scary thought. How do i find the motivation to do this. I go so well for a week then I keep sabotaging myself. I dont understand why i do it. I think i need to find out the reason i keep putting on weight. I can say its insecurities, I was always quite confident until the last few months. I want to start coming back here more often, the ppl and threads here are so inspirational. I think I needed to get to this point of desperation to really wake myself up. I have restarted and restarted, but how do i stay on plan? i want a baby, I want the healthy body. Why cant i have faith in myself to do it?

Well today is day one, ok maybe not of atkins, but my calories are low, and thats a good start. I will be logging in daily to enter my food.

[mobykat]

well day 2, I ate chicken for dinner. This morning oatmeal and coffee and lozenges. Ive been sick for 4 weeks, its slowly getting better..In a shocker of a mood today. Daves car ran out of battery..im ready to shove that car off a cliff..and he's not very helpful in solving problems. Ok well the mood, beside being from TOM, also from his love of buying stuff off of ebay, and paying for them instead of contributing to the household. Priorities are not one of his strong points...so yes, wanting very badly to emotionally eat. At least I know it, its just a matter of controlling it. I need to change my stats. Part of my journey is to find the reason i am over weight. Ok, so 1, I changed jobs, I know that I was working too hard, and the stress was a major factor, so now i have a quiet job. I had major issues with my family, so I have limited the amount of time I spend with them, and then there is my SO. We are happy, but i think part of the problem is all the issues we have and all the ones i stew over and he never seems to get. They say 80% of break ups are over incompatablity in regards to money..I'd believe it. I like to try to get ahead of things, make sure bills are paid and he just likes to spend his pay check and leave that stuff to me. Urgghhhh...I know this board is about weight loss, but these are the things that make me eat, and stress which causes me to eat more...
Well Im off shopping tonite to stock up my empty pantry, fridge and freezer with healthy stuff. so by tomorrow, Ill be skipping the oatmeal and going for something a lil lower in carbs. So off i go....whooosh

[mobykat]

Alrighty, so day one, (Im in such a chirpier mood today ) im at 117.7kgs, 258.94lbs. I have had the following:
3x poached eggs 0.3g
1x diet coke 0.6g
tuna 4.3g
cordial 1.5g
total so far 6.7g

YAY so far so good. Havent thought about dinner yet, mistake no 1. But will organise that when i get home.

I have woken up with so much motivation today...the motivation has come from 3 nights of my partner not sleeping due to the freight train in the bed (me )
It embarrassing and i feel so horrible. I told him that i would sleep in the spare room, but he refuses and just keeps trying to go to sleep.

I am having trouble climbing stairs, bending over to tie my shoes is a major effort, and walking, just around the shops is horrendous. there are many reasons to keep this up, its just a matter or if i will.
But the biggest reason, is that we are nearly ready to start trying for a baby, I want to lose at least 100lbs, tho I think maybe try for the 70lbs mark and see how we feel about it. ooh its exciting.

moby

[mobykat]

yay...down 3lbs today, 1.5kgs. Its all water, I have been running back and forth to the bathroom since last night. Ihavent had much to eat today, Dave and I had a tiff, so not very hungry this morning. Have drunk a large diet coke and have grilled chicken for lunch, which is actually starting to sound really good. i can already feel the affects of fluid retention going, my pants are no were near as tight. So another week and i should be able to fit in to some others

My biggest hurdle for the day will be not to eat because of the emotional crap. it will be interesting.

[mobykat]

OMG!!! now i remember why i always started on a Friday. My head is throbbing, ive had the energy drained from me, and i have TOM pain to boot. Im hoping some paracetamol will do the trick. Grrrr...well had chicken for lunch and on to my 2nd litre of water, so doing well so far.

[mobykat]

I rock...well i had 1.5 rums last night and a little corn, but im still over the moon. I am on day 3, down another lb and feeling on top of the moon. I had 300ml of natural yoghurt this morning sweetened with jelly crystals...yumm is all that I can say. things are nice and calm at home. yay. another bonus. I have been drinking at least 2 L of water everyday and running back and forth to the bathroom too. I have been drinking it with a cap ful of lime cordial. Its making it go down very easily. another few weeks of this and i will fit into my favorite pants I just have to convince dave not to sabotage this. He did so well last night, except for making corn frittas..hmm, he went to the servo and bought him self some lollies, but ended up buying me some beef jerky, he can be so fantastic sometimes.
well onto another day at work, its Friday and nearly the weekend.

[mobykat]

so ive had the following today:
300 mls yoghurt - 11carbs
sml amt crystals - trace
2 x diet cokes - 0.8
3x chicken legs - 0
some tuna with basil - 0.7 total= 12.5
opting for maybe hmm lamb chops and veg for dinner?
im thinking roasted green beans and a bit of cauli and broccoli with cheese, and a lil cream.

i dont know why i dont stick to atkins, i can have some great food.

I was so good i made both dave and i up lunch in our lunch bags, he got, chicken, 2 bananas and some cookies.
I rock as a girlfriend sometimes

[mobykat]

ok so the weekend wasnt so great. Ended up with a quarter pounder friday night after getting home 4 hours late, ate very little on Saturday and some biscuits and garlic bread on Sunday grr...well today I am only up 300 grams...YAY all is not lost. So today I have started my day off with 100mls yoghurt and some diet coke. so approx 4 carbs so far. I have silverside and tuna for lunch today which is cool and we will be having stirfry for dinner. Tomorrow is shopping day, so will also find a few other things to chuck in our lunch boxes. We have definitely decided to try for a baby pretty much asap. so will be looking into a few higher calcium options and a lil bit more veg. Imgoing to be a healthy mumma and trying to set up some sort of an exercise routine this week. So should be good. I am at 115.7kgs or 254.5lbs, so have 67.5lbs till I will be comfortable getting pregnant.
Im so excited, we stayed up for hours last night thinking of baby names. I am buying some prenatal vitamins this week to ensure i have a good level of Folic acid and other vitamins and we will see what happens

[mobykat]

ok 115.5 today, still down..YAY!! I ended up having some more yoghurt for dinner last night, i couldnt find the motivation to actually cook. but when dave went and bought lollies he again bought me jerky, he is being really really good this time, i guess he knows that i really really want it. Today so far I have had yoghurt for breaky, and some coke, tonite is shopping night, so havent quite thought about lunch, I am thinking of a wrap from subway tho. A lil bit of a treat. This week is a very special week for Dave and I. 1 we have actually decided to have a baby and start trying in the next few months, but also that as of this week, all our bills are paid, we have no overdue bills!!! its very exciting. From next week, I will be putting money aside in a savings account and start getting my credit cards balances down. If all goes well we will have about 12-16 months to get in order before baby comes. That also gives me about 4 months before we stop birth control to get my weight down. I need to lose about 30kgs. so about 66lbs. I would need to lose about 4lbs a week. That should be ok if I eat properly and exercise. Exercise is my next step, how do i find the motivation for it?
I want to get back into my yoga, that is a definite, i need the flexibility. I have the fit to strip dvd too, i need to try it. Well lets see if i can actually even get a bit of the way through one of the vids tonite...fingers crossed.
tomorrow is anzac day, so a day off work, but im up at 4 for Dawn service....urgghh. plan to cook tomorrow, and get a few things in the freezer. It will be very helpful..ok im off.

[mobykat]

ok i dont know what is going on...im off plan, I caved in and have been eating horribly. this morning I had a tart for breakfast, but have stayed with just diet coke today. Its when im home that i eat really badly. I dont know what it is, why i keep sabotaging myself. I want this weight off so badly. I dont know whether its because my self esteem is so low that its causing me to want to binge, i really dont. i do know that im having issues with depression, but thats more from my relationship and im sure that im not doing too badly dealing with it all without food. I need to pick myself up and get back to it. So tuna for lunch, Im not going to starve myself. I need to drink 2 L of water, I have drunk about a litre of diet coke. I just want to be able to fit into my clothes again. I have 2 pair of pants that i always wear, and one i have to keep the zip up with a safety pin. I have a wardrobe full of beautiful clothes that I could wear if i was only 30 kgs lighter. I want to be able to wear my lingerie again. I miss feeling sexy. I feel like a blob. I miss my face, i dont recognise me when i look in the mirror. my forearms look weird, they are fat, it disturbs me, my arms and wrists have always been pretty slim. and what is worse, im 10kgs heavier then my partner. Today is just a really bad day. A friend and I had a fight today, which has been on the cards for awhile, he wants me to leave my boyfriend, doesnt think he is good enuff. Well yeah we have issues, but im not leaving him. I need a holiday, somewhere off in the middle of lala land. I dont want to have to deal with ppl. I want my partner and i to truly communicate and for him to stop being a bozo and wake up a lil. I keep wandering if my weight has something to do with it all. Am I subconsiously pushing hiim away, am i putting the weight on to get to the point where he doesnt want me anymore? Maybe im scared to be loved as much as he loves me, and scared to reciprocate. If I keep him at arms length, maybe it wont hurt so much. I dont know, im rambling. It just sux, at the back of my mind I have this niggling voice that keeps telling me that we wont be together forever and just oh well. But logic and my heart tells me to shove a sock in its mouth and try. i dunno

[mobykat]

Ching Ching...ok it means nothing but BLAH!! Tehehehehehe...well today I have been munching on 15grams of cashews and about 500mls of yoghurt...i know its bad...but hey its shopping night tonite and I could have done a lot worse. Im in a chirpy mood today, after 2 horrid teary ones. Ohh crap..I just remembered that I had an ice break to drink....man I suck....I do these things without thinking...grrrr...well see I thought I was doing ok, but now I realise that I have had approx 100 carbs for the day. Bummer. ok as I said, shopping night tonite, and going to make quiche...or as the 'blokes' call it, egg and bacon pie. I had bacon for dinner last night... but again, better then other things. We have a family reunion on Sunday and weekends are the worst for me. Anytime that I am off with DBF and I go off plan. I have to make a plan. Exactly what I will be eating, and I need to freeze some meals for the times I cant be bothered cooking. Problem is, Dave loves the food, and when i cook, he usually eats it all before it gets to the freezer. ooh he's paying for my car to get serviced this week...about time he paid for something....insert snicker 'here'. ooh and I have been in contact with a few ppl to try to get a social life happening again. I really need one, im starting to live like a hermit. Its not a good thing

moby

[mobykat]

ooh i havent weighed myself...im too scared of the scale

[mobykat]

well its the 4th and still eating crap...how do i get a handle on this? Dave and I have had an emotional few days, whether that is part of the prob I dont know. We have been on again off again with this whole baby idea. We started even talking about getting married, then not, then I dunno. He confuses the heck out of me. so yeah im home alone again on a saturday nite, bored out of my brain...and just wanting to eat. well im going to clean up, feed my pets and do my avon order.