One last time

[maidencry]

Okay so I've already made the vow that Monday will be the very last time I start a diet. From now on it's a way of life. I'm 31 and just starting to realize that my body is nothing like it was when I was 19. I'm getting the creaks and groans when I get up in the morning and I know that has to do with age as well as the additional weight that I'm carrying. I'm currently 265lbs...man it hurt to type that. I've been avoiding my scale for 3 months (ever since I bought the dang thing) and finally had to face reality today. I also had to pack up nearly all of my closet because I got so tired of having clothes that almost fit me hanging around. Right now I have two pairs of jeans, one pair of black pants....four nice shirts and ten or so workout sweats that I can wear comfortably. I refuse to buy a bigger size of anything so i guess it's either lose this weight or eventually start walking around in a blanket. Toga style! I'm planning on losing at least 100lbs this year. Summer is in two months and I want at least 25lbs off this lovely chunky frame of mine. So Atkins it is. It's a bit scary because I've been using food as my comfort a lot lately. Recently I made a move away from Chicago, the city I was born in and the family that stays there to live in a much smaller city in Michigan to be with my boyfriend. Dang love got me in the end I don't regret the move but it's been hard adjusting to a slower pace and to making new friends as I'm quite a shy person. It was easier to stay home and eat a pint of ice cream (and sometimes almost a half a gallon) than to venture out into the unknown. But that's all behind me now...literally...ice cream just latched onto my ass and is not leaving. I'm hoping that by jotting down what I eat and how I exercise I will be able to stay on track. I've lost weight before out of grief and out of trying to keep a guy....this time it's for me and my health and for those damn jeans that are mocking me even though they're packed away. I can't wait until tomorrow....hopefully it's the start of a brand new me...well a thinner me...I'll still be the same person inside...just a little more fabulous outside.

[maidencry]

268lbs.......My good intentions were to start working out this past Monday. I had every thing set up so that I wouldn't be lured by any sweets or evil carbs in the dead of night..or anytime for that matter. This was all on Sunday...before Monday on which day I lost my job. It was pretty much totally unexpected and resulted in me backing off of buying a bed and couch that was sorely needed in order to make sure I had rent and such for the coming month. Simply put I ate my ass off this week. Between the frustration of trying to set up interviews...going on interviews (which for a relatively shy person can be a bit nerve racking)....and worrying about all the what ifs that might occur if I don't find a job fairly soon its been a total carb celebration. So now the week is over. Went on two interviews today...hopefully will hear something about them next week and I'm out of ice cream. Frankly I'm surprised and slightly disgusted with myself. Surprised to know that one thing could knock me off track. I know I used it as an excuse to eat my feelings away but I was afraid that if didn't go back to the normal routine I would end up crying the days away in a bout of depression. And I do not make a good crier. Puffy eyes and all. Disgusted with myself because after all that food I feel huge and my clothes are tighter and I declined going out with my boyfriend tonight (he wanted to cheer me up by taking me out to dinner and a movie...sweet man) because I literally couldn't find anything to wear that wasn't workout clothes with much needed elastic. So now I feel fat and sad and alone as I've shooed my boyfriend off to go hang out with friends while I watch an equally sad movie and have a good cry. Damn don't I just sound pathetic and whiney. Well so the hell what! I am for today...for this past week really but now I'm done. Totally new day tomorrow...a day for new chances and I so much want to seek them out. I want to change so badly...I really hope tomorrow starts me on that change.