Jennifer's Journal

[Jennifer]

This morning I weighed 315 lbs (I'm only 5'2")...UGH! Not my highest (350.5 on 1/30/07), but nowhere near my recent past lowest of 139.5 on 9/30/01.

A little history:

I was always on the chubby side. I take that back. The pictures I've seen of myself as a little girl show an average-sized, but not skinny, child. However, I thought of myself as fat due to the way my family thinks. I remember being in 1st grade & scared to take the Hostess cupcake out of my pink Barbie lunchbox in the school cafeteria because I didn't want people thinking, "she shouldn't be eating that". I also remember my great-grandmother telling me not to laugh so much because laughing makes you fat. I was a little girl! We laugh! The worst was my dad, on his deathbed, telling me I had to lose weight. Yep, that was the last thing my dad ever said me. I was 17 & 20 years later I'm still not over it.

Anyway, I started getting chubby in about 4th grade and didn't stop. I'm not exaggerating when I say that in my family being a thin murderer is better than being a fat nun. I was always being put on a diet, my clothes were always bought too small, & any reward I got (from contact lenses to $$) was based on me losing weight. When I was 14 & then again 17 I lost a bunch of weight, and you would have thought I cured cancer. I starved myself, so of course the weight came right back on. Straight A's on my report card? meh Losing weight? Throw her a parade!

I gained steadily through college and when I got married in 1993 I was probably about 250. No one (except DH) told me I was a beautiful bride. I got compliments on my dress, my hair. But I was beautiful, no matter what anyone said, or rather didn't say (I sound like a Christina Aguillera song ). I gained steadily through the first several years of my marriage (when I wasn't on some starvation diet, I was scarfing fast food and junk food), and in 6/00 DH & I started Atkins. I was 308 lbs. I loved it (full fat food!), never cheated, exercised, and by the end of 9/01 I was down to 139.5. I loved the attention, and yes, got plenty of it, and loved feeling 'normal' for the first time in my life. I was also diagnosed with severe depression and put on medication. The meds changed (& probably saved) my life, but I lost that edge. And of course, the weight loss did not magically make my life perfect, so I was resentful and full of anger. And what did I do to pacify myself? Why, eat of course. I yo-yo'd through most of 2002 (mostly bingeing and purging), by the beginning of 2003 I was back to 220, and by 9/03 I was 285. I got laid off in 9/03 and didn't do anything except wallow in self-pity and binge. In the meantime, I avoided everyone and didn't see my family for nearly 2 years, when Hurricane Katrina struck New Orleans where they live and where I'm from (DH & I moved to Houston when we got married). It was hard to see them at first. They hadn't seen me since I was around 200 lbs (I guess I was about 320 or so by then), but no one said anything and their attitudes seem to have changed. Unfortunately, 30+ years of damage has already been done to my psyche and I have less self-confidence than the most angst-filled teenager.

I'm really trying to convince myself that I'm worthy no matter my weight. I mean, obviously for health purposes I have to get it off, but I don't want it to rule the way I feel about myself. At this point my weight is keeping me from doing some things I want because they would be physically uncomfortable, but my new attitude is I belong on this earth as much as anyone, and the only person who has to approve of me is me! I don't succeed every day, but I'm hoping journaling my physical and mental journey will allow me to one day look back and realize all I've accomplished, and to celebrate the good things, no matter how small.

[Jennifer]

Had a great low-carb day yesterday. I even did BodyFlex which I am extremely proud of myself for. I've been so exercise phobic & it felt good to just do it. I'm sore today, but in a good way, & I'm going to do it again this afternoon.

My menu from yesterday:
B~coffee
L~chicken salad
D~deep dish pepperoni pizza quiche, salad

Scale was up .5 this morning, but I've made a deal with myself: As long as I have been a good little low carber, I can weigh every day, only if I don't stress over the daily fluctuations. It's funny that when I tried to limit myself to weighing once a week, I hopped on all the time. Guess it's true that the forbidden fruit is oh so tempting.

[Jennifer]

Another great low-carb day! I did BodyFlex again & it was harder today for some reason. But the important thing is I did it. My core is so sore in a good way.

Off to bed!

[Jennifer]

Leaving a restaurant fully satisfied after a great l/c lunch with a full to go box, not feeling the need to be rolled to the car, and having your pants still loose!

[Jennifer]

I did BodyFlex for the first time since Wednesday. It was hard! I had to keep stopping the DVD to catch my breath. I was really trying not to go more than 2 days w/out exercising, but life (& laziness) got in the way. I'm looking forward to being sore tomorrow!

The scale isn't moving as fast as I'd like, but I'm not giving up. It sucks that it's already the 25th and I'm only down 6 lbs for the month. I feel lighter and think I look smaller, and I haven't cheated in weeks, when I had a small slice of DH's birthday cake. I'm going to start weighing and measuring, using fitday & posting my daily menus and would appreciate any critiques, advice, etc from those of you reading this.

TIA.

[Jennifer]

I had a whoosh and was down to 310.5 this AM! I'll wait for it to stick before claiming it, but it's good to see the scale going down.

I've linked to my fitday in my signature, and am open to any comments, critiques, advice, etc. I know I don't eat enough (a first for me!), but I'm rarely hungry. I'm going to start having a little protein in the morning before and after exercise (piece of cheese, hb egg, slice of deli roast or turkey) which should help.

[Jennifer]

Last night I had 2 s/f Hershey's w/almonds. I was feeling nauseous and somehow got it into my head that chocolate would make me feel better. I can always justify chocolate! Was feeling nauseous this afternoon too, wondering if it's ketosis.

I did great on water yesterday - 96 oz Today was only 32. Tomorrow will be better.

[Jennifer]

I bought some wasabi & soy sauce almonds yesterday, and was so proud of myself for only eating .25 oz. A big improvement for a binger like me. Before, the whole can would have been gone in no time.

I went to Target yesterday and there was Easter candy everywhere. I didn't even give it a thought, and it wasn't until I was on my way home that I realized I didn't give it a thought. Does that make sense? I feel so much freer than I ever have before where food is concerned. Not making anything forbidden, and trusting myself to make good choices, is paying off!

Dinner was on the carby side, but staying low carb can be difficult when observing meatless Lenten Fridays & you're not a big seafood eater. 24 carbs for the day isn't bad, just more than I'm accustomed to.

[Cutelilsunflower]

Hey babe. You're rockin' and I you a ton. Keep it up!! Super proud of you!!!!

[Jennifer]

Thanks Bree! you too!

Had a nice Easter with my family. My mom, sister, brother & SIL came in from New Orleans to spend the long weekend with us. My mom has cancer and is not doing too well. It was hard to see hr like that, but she's keeping her spirits up and has a great attitude, so that's a big part of the battle.

The non-l/c things I ate: taste of mashed potatoes, piece of cheese bread, taste of cinnamon roll, meatballs & spaghetti, piece of garlic bread, french fries, popcorn chicken. I also waaay overdid the l/c cheesecake. I'm up 4 lbs but it's TOM, so I'm sure a couple of lbs are that. I'm out of ketosis so have been hungry and eating more than usual.

[Cutelilsunflower]

Originally Posted by Jennifer

Thanks Bree! you too!

Had a nice Easter with my family. My mom, sister, brother & SIL came in from New Orleans to spend the long weekend with us. My mom has cancer and is not doing too well. It was hard to see hr like that, but she's keeping her spirits up and has a great attitude, so that's a big part of the battle.

The non-l/c things I ate: taste of mashed potatoes, piece of cheese bread, taste of cinnamon roll, meatballs & spaghetti, piece of garlic bread, french fries, popcorn chicken. I also waaay overdid the l/c cheesecake. I'm up 4 lbs but it's TOM, so I'm sure a couple of lbs are that. I'm out of ketosis so have been hungry and eating more than usual.

I'm glad you had a nice Easter, sweetie. Sorry to hear that mom isn't doing well, but darn it-you're right...spirits up and great attitude=LIFE SAVERS!! I'm sure you did NOT gain 4 lbs of fat..so, hop back on induction and you'll be down those 4lbs PLUS more in no time!

[Jennifer]

Thanks Bree! Already down 2 lbs!

I was so hungry last night! I didn't even want to eat, but I was hungry. Ususally it's the other way around. I ate a ton of turkey (11 oz! ), some nuts, a big salad, a hb egg, and a s/f turtle. And lots of water which helped the scale to move down.

Yesterday afternoon I was thinking about how much I missed bingeing. I really started analyzing how I was thinking, and realized that what I really missed was the secretness of the binge. DH spent most of last spring job hunting in CA, so I was home alone and no one knew what I was up to. Riding up in the elevator to my apartment carrying bags laden with junk, anticipating locking the door and shutting myself away from the rest of the world while I stayed up all night gorging myself, made me feel so happy and safe. It was like a secret thing that only I knew about, and I was doing it alone, in the middle of the night when most people were asleep, so it was all mine. Weird. I'll have to do some more thinking to see if I can figure out what that means.

Was I so lonely & unhappy w/DH gone that I felt the need to have something that I thought would make me happy? At the time the thought of l/c or any "restricing" of food terrified me &/or pissed me off. I was using food as a comfort, all the while knowing that it was anything but. But knowing that a binge was as close as I needed it to be gave me comfort in a sick way. I used food to numb the sadness and loneliness, all the while making myself more miserable and therefore, more isloated. I I never go back there again, and I for others who feel the same way, no matter what their choice of "comfort" is - food, alcohol, drugs, sex. I hate that anyone has to feel that way.

[Jennifer]

Haven't posted in a while, still chugging along.

DH & I went to Austin this weekend for a meet-up with some LCFs from the Century Club. Had a great time! Then we visited with some friends from college, so it was a weekend of new & old friends. I'm proud of myself for coming out of my shell and meeting "scary" strangers. Not something I would have done a year ago. Had a margarita and some chips and salsa in Austin, & a Starbucks hot chocolate Sunday.

It seems that a banner ad for Papa John's Italian meat trio pizza is stalking me! No matter what website I go to (except here of course ), there it is!

[Jennifer]

This is me this past weekend. I'll think of this pic any time I'm tempted to go off plan.

[Cutelilsunflower]

Jennifer, *the eye*

You've LOST 50.5 pounds

Think of how far you've COME....

oh....and.....

[Jennifer]

Scale was down 1 lb today!

Now that I'm doing Stillmans, if I can lose a pound a day till we leave for Disney World 5/26, I'll be thrilled. It's hard though. Definitely a diet, not an enjoyable WOE.

[Jennifer]

Doing well with eating & gasp! exercise. Well, exercise has only been the past 3 days, but for me that's great. I'm sore!

trishthedish posted this in the Tough Love thread in the Century Club :

One way I started looking at it is, if I am on plan TODAY I am at goal TODAY. The goal is a new healthy life with the fit body that comes as a side effect. Now, the body may take a bit of time catching up, but so long as I act today the way I will act at goal, I'm there... instant gratification.

How awesome is that??? I'm at goal! Not my goal weight by any means, but my goal of taking control of my eating and getting healthy!!

[Cutelilsunflower]

Sixty lbs!

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!

[Jennifer]

Thanks Bree

I've lost 5 lbs in the past 5 days doing Stillmans, & I've been doing really well w/exercise. I do a 10 minute "wake-up" walk each morning, then Body Flex after my coffee. Later in the day I either do a Richard Simmons' toning DVD or walk some more on the treadmill. I've already increased my treadmill speed & time, so I feel good about it.

I'm looking closely at the mistakes I made the first time around. I never cheated. Not once in a year. Sounds great right? Well, I'm learning that may not be the best thing for me because I got resentful & ended up bingeing my way back up to the 300s. So I very occasionally & selectively allow myself to eat off plan. It helps me not feel deprived, and since this is my WOE for life and not a diet to go on and off (another change in my thinking) I get right back to it. Helps me feel more in control. Another change is not pushing myself too hard as far as exercise is concerned. Before, I would get up at 4 AM or stay up till midnight to get my workout in. Now, it's in my daily schedule for sure, but if my schedule is such that I can't get it all done by a reasonable hour, it's OK. Skipping one day doesn't mean I've failed or that I may as well give up. Now I know what people mean when they say they've learned a lot about themselves through this process. I never gave myself a chance, just came up with a (unreasonable) plan, forced myself to stick to it no matter what, and made myself miserable.

[AuntieMame]

Originally Posted by Jennifer

trishthedish posted this in the Tough Love thread in the Century Club :

One way I started looking at it is, if I am on plan TODAY I am at goal TODAY. The goal is a new healthy life with the fit body that comes as a side effect. Now, the body may take a bit of time catching up, but so long as I act today the way I will act at goal, I'm there... instant gratification.

How awesome is that??? I'm at goal! Not my goal weight by any means, but my goal of taking control of my eating and getting healthy!!

That is an awesome quote! I am so glad I read your journal today.

from another NOLA girl. I grew up there, too.

[Jennifer]

Originally Posted by AuntieMame

from another NOLA girl. I grew up there, too.

back at ya!

[AuntieMame]

Have a great day!

[Jennifer]

Yesterday I was really struggling with Stillmans, but I feel a lot better today. But only another day & 1/2 till it's back to Atkins.

Hi Dixie!

[AuntieMame]

Stillman's is tough, isn't it?
Have a great day!

[Jennifer]

Originally Posted by AuntieMame

Stillman's is tough, isn't it?

Yes it is! But I lost 8 lbs in 8 days so it was worth it (I guess )

Leaving for Disney World tomorrow. I can keep as l/c as humanly possible.

[nolagina]

Jennifer,
I'm so glad I came by your journal... Girl, I didn't know you were from NOLA! I knew you had family there... I wasn't born there (my grandmother came from around Lake Charles, her father was half Chittamacha Indian).

What part of town is your family living in? I had just moved to Lakeview FIVE WEEKS before Katrina... Was in Algiers Point before that... I keep telling myself God put DH and me on a lil' detour but we'll get back to NOLA.

I'm so spacey sometimes! You have a good time at Disney World... My thoughts will be with you to stay on the LC path.. You can do it!!!!