DO IT NOW!

[daisymaiz]

Well it looks like I let my old journal die and I think that's for the best. I need a clean start. Unfortunately, that is what I have been telling myself every day. I am hoping that doing this will help keep me from what I have done every other day this past week.

I am very frustrated with myself. I know what to do, I know how to do it, I know it will work. It seems so EASY, so why don't I do it?? Why? I feel like I have tried every "trick" possible to make myself do it-I have made sure healthy food is available, I have cooked food in advance, I have set goals, I have reached out for and received support from others. There are no excuses, the problem is me. Knowing that, I should be able to fix it, right? I should not be sitting here debating whether I should eat the candy or not. I KNOW the answer, I just need to DO the right thing, NOW!

As I look back over the last 5 months, I cannot count how many times I have said "this is it," "I'm starting over today," "I need to do it now," etc. I have joined challenges and quit posting in them because I am sure people are tired of hearing the same thing over and over from someone who does not follow through. Even when I say it to myself, I am thinking "yeah, right." So now I need to prove myself wrong, which I hope will be the purpose of this journal. I will not bring anyone else down, I will be accountable to myself and anyone else who chooses to read. Every day that I can post something better than this, I will consider a success. Right now I feel like a failure. I hope to one day look back at this and feel successful and proud of how far I've come. I don't know how to get there, but I will not give up until I figure it out.

[daisymaiz]

So far today I have done fine. There is NO REASON to change that.

I keep thinking that tomorrow would be a good day to start, since I have the day off from work and will be busy with the kids, not tempted to eat the junk that's around the office, not tempted to stop at the store on the way home....but all weekend I told myself that Monday was a good day to start since I WOULD be working and my day would be more structured, less time to eat.... I don't know what is wrong with me, why I think this way.....

I started taking 5HTP on Friday, 3/16-I have read that it takes about 2 weeks for it to take effect so I should probably document whether I notice any change, so after a few weeks I can decide if it's worth continuing.
Friday and Saturday I took 100 mg right before bed. I could feel a sort of tingling in my head, probably about an hour after taking it, so I know it was doing something (either that or I am really losing it lol). Last night I took 50 mg before bed and still felt that. I took another 50 mg this morning and did not. From now on I am going to be taking 50 mg in the morning along with my other vitamins (biotin, B-complex, and L-glutamine) and 50 mg at bedtime.

[daisymaiz]

When I look at the title of this journal, it makes me sad, because it's been three days and I still haven't managed to do it.
Yesterday I did great, until 8 pm. WHY?
Who knows why, but this is what I am going to do: go right back to induction. Today. If I get through today and the rest of the weekend, I am still going to count yesterday as "day one" towards my week. I know that this is cheating, but it's better than the other option that has been running through my mind, which is saying screw the rest of the week and weekend, start over Monday (again). It's pretty sad that I have to trick or bribe myself into doing it like this, but that's where I'm at right now.

[daisymaiz]

Finally back on track. Yesterday was a great day. I can already feel a difference. Not a big difference, but noticeable. I have plenty of food ready for the weekend. There is no reason not to keep going.

For the last two weeks I have been gaining and losing two pounds. Two pounds, no big deal right? I am more convinced than ever that the number on the scale DOES NOT MATTER! Even though my actual weight did not go up significantly, I have felt so much fatter this past week than I did the week before. I know this is not all in my head because my clothes have not been fitting right, even though I was at the same weight as when they fit! I thought I would be able to wear my new black dress pants yesterday because my weight was around 128-I was 128 the first time I wore them and they looked good. Well yesterday there was no way I could have worn them in public. WAAAAY too tight, especially in the thighs. My stomach also has been bloated the last few days-I know this because of certain shirts being tight.

I need to remember this. Even if I don't gain weight right away my abuse of my body will show in other ways and I will be just as unhappy about it.

[daisymaiz]

OK yesterday was another big huge mistake. Where did I go wrong?
1. I should not have been drinking beer. That is DEFINITELY not OK on induction and I knew that. I also knew that I would not have "just one" and then go right back on plan like I told myself I would. I had been doing FINE up to that point.

2. I should have thrown all the junk I bought earlier in the week away, instead of saving it "for the kids." I hid it so DH wouldn't see that I had bought it, but I really did plan to give it to the kids. But, by hiding it I was setting myself up.

While I was bingeing I was thinking about how wrong it was, how I was not even hungry, how I was setting myself back even further than I already had, and how it really wasn't worth it. Why are those thoughts not a good enough cue for me to STOP? When I start thinking like that, I need to listen and JUST STOP and turn it around!!

I did do a couple of things right yesterday. At lunchtime, I already knew that we were going to the bar, so it would have been very easy for me to say "I'm going to cheat anyway, might as well have the fried shrimp, french fries, and dessert for lunch," but I didn't. I stuck to my plan for lunch.
I did try to lie about the candy and cereal, but I ended up telling the truth and told DH more than I had to. He still doesn't understand what I was talking about, but I still think it's important for me to be honest.

Today I am not going to binge. I am going to avoid sugar but I am not going to try to start induction again until tomorrow. I know this may be asking for trouble but I feel like I need to give my body a short break from induction-SUGAR-induction-SUGAR etc.

[daisymaiz]

Starting over tomorrow.....AGAIN!

What the hell is wrong with me????

[daisymaiz]

Today is a good day so far.
I have been taking the 5HTP for a little over a week and I do feel like it is helping. Even though today is "Day One" I have not really wanted sugar today....yet. My mood is also pretty good, considering. I know my real "danger zone" is later today, between 6 & 8 pm. I can do this though!

[daisymaiz]

I am going to try this picture thing again, this is not what I wanted to do.

[daisymaiz]

forget it

[daisymaiz]

100_0619.jpg 100_0622.jpg

fat.jpg

OK here is what I meant to do with the pictures. I am so dumb sometimes.

Anyway, the first two are from Christmas 2003. The last one is from this past summer. Ridiculous. Currently I am somewhere in between.

[Samantha42]

Aw Daisy you are so cute no matter what!! Even with what you call "chipmunk cheeks" you are still pretty, so quit beating yourself up, silly! Is that your kid?!? So cute!!

I would love to look like your "before" picture! I your eyes!

[daisymaiz]

thanks....The "good" pictures are from after I did Atkins the first time-you'd think I would have learned my lesson.

Yeah that's my baby-he's about 3x that size now though

[daisymaiz]

I did give in and binge last night. I am not proud of this but I have to be honest. That is the whole point of having a journal, right?
Starting over today, April 1. I don't know what it is about the first of the month that always makes me think it's a good day to start. It's just like any other day.

My baby turns 1 this month-I can't believe how fast the time goes. My plan after he was born was to lose all the weight I had gained over the 2 years before I had him by the time I went back to work. Now I can see that maybe that wasn't realistic, but losing it within a year definitely was. Now here I am, one year later (almost!) and still can't get it together. crazy

Wait, I shouldn't have said that. I CAN get it together and I will. I am. So far today I have had no problem, really.

[daisymaiz]

Obviously I am not very good at keeping a journal!
Yesterday-I DID IT!!
Today is going well too.

[daisymaiz]

Totals from yesterday, 4-1-07 (according to fitday)

Calories: 1240

Fat: 71 g (53%)
Carbs: 9 g (2%), net=7
Protein 135 g (45%)

I think I remembered everything.

[Samantha42]

Good job!! Keep it up!

[daisymaiz]

Today-4/02/07
Calories 1323
Fat 79 g (55%)
Carbs 8 g (2%) net=7
Protein 138 g (43%)

Two days done!!
I know 2 days might not seem like much, and really it isn't-what is 2 days compared to the rest of my life? But it is a good start and I am happy about it, even though I have been having kind of a hard time tonight.

It IS worth it and I CAN do it.

[Samantha42]

Originally Posted by daisymaiz

Today-4/02/07
Calories 1323
Fat 79 g (55%)
Carbs 8 g (2%) net=7
Protein 138 g (43%)

Two days done!!
I know 2 days might not seem like much, and really it isn't-what is 2 days compared to the rest of my life? But it is a good start and I am happy about it, even though I have been having kind of a hard time tonight.

It IS worth it and I CAN do it.

Daisy-- 2 days is huge!! The first 2 days are the WORST. Now it is so much easier to stay on plan... congrats!

[daisymaiz]

That's true, thanks! And I really believe I am going to do it this time. I know I have said that before, BUT THIS TIME I MEAN IT. Really!

[daisymaiz]

DAY 3 DONE!!!

I have to try to remember to put everything from yesterday into fitday later, I really don't have time right now (honestly I shouldn't even be doing this right now )

According to my scale I have lost 4.4 pounds overnight, I know that can't be right BUT AT LEAST I KNOW I DIDN'T GAIN!!!

[daisymaiz]

Totals from yesterday, 04/03/07:

Calories 1259
Fat 77g (56%)
Carb 8 g (2%) net=7g
Protein 128 g (42%)

[daisymaiz]

REASONS I NEED TO STAY ON TRACK:

1. I have a closet full of clothes that I can't wear. It will be so much fun to start wearing them. My bigger clothes are all packed away, and honestly I don't really like any of them anyway. I can't afford new ones.

2. My metabolism is still decent. Continuously yoyoing will ruin it.

3. I want to be able to eat some strawberries and nuts soon-yum!

4. I NEED TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR MY DAUGHTER

5. It gets easier and easier.

6. I'm going to my mom's this weekend-getting through the trip without bingeing will be MUCH easier if I am not going through withdrawal.

[Samantha42]

Originally Posted by daisymaiz

REASONS I NEED TO STAY ON TRACK:

1. I have a closet full of clothes that I can't wear. It will be so much fun to start wearing them. My bigger clothes are all packed away, and honestly I don't really like any of them anyway. I can't afford new ones.

2. My metabolism is still decent. Continuously yoyoing will ruin it.

3. I want to be able to eat some strawberries and nuts soon-yum!

4. I NEED TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR MY DAUGHTER

5. It gets easier and easier.

6. I'm going to my mom's this weekend-getting through the trip without bingeing will be MUCH easier if I am not going through withdrawal.

We have very similar goals! And it's true-- all of these things that you wrote. When I went on vacaction *not* in ketosis, I knew I was doomed. It will be so much easier when you go to your mom's! Have fun!

[daisymaiz]

Yeah-I love my mom, but going to her house is kind of a trigger, for several reasons. It will be easier if I am on track before I get there, instead of just planning to start over after I get home, like I usually do.

[daisymaiz]

I hate how at this time of the night I always start thinking about eating sugar. It doesn't make any sense. Once I have made it through most of the day, why would I even consider messing it up now? But every night this week, I have. Thought about it, not done it! I am not hungry, I am not upset about anything, EVERYTHING IS FINE! KEEP IT THAT WAY!!!

According to my measurements, I have already lost an inch off my waist. That makes sense, because that's the main place I was getting bloated from all the bingeing. There is no reason to put an inch back on. Let it be gone forever.

[daisymaiz]

OK I just tried on a bunch of clothes and I do not feel like cheating anymore.

[daisymaiz]

So much for that-1:40 am, baby woke up screaming, DH was at work-while I was making his bottle I ate 2 Cadbury eggs and a candy bar. Then after he laid back down I had some goldfish crackers and a piece of toast. I don't know why, I was just so tired I didn't think clearly, I didn't MAKE MYSELF STOP and think clearly. I was having this thought like "it's the middle of the night, who cares," WTH?
So, back to the beginning.
The good news is I did get out of bed this morning and get on the treadmill. BUT, I only did 20 minutes and I jogged a little bit, but mostly walked. I am so out of shape it is ridiculous. Oh well, I have to start from where I'm at, and this is the position I put myself in. At least I know I can do better.

[daisymaiz]

So, this morning I weigh more than I did at the beginning of March. Perfect. I could not find anything to wear to work...the shirt I settled on fits, but it is tight and uncomfortable. The pants, they are the pants I wore "one last time" about a month ago.

I always feel sorry for those people who do everything "right" but still can't figure out why they are not losing weight. I should be thankful that that's not me. I know exactly why I look and feel the way I do right now. I know what works for me. I know that there are people who would be happy to be 5'3" and weigh 133, but I do not carry it well. I know that I am not at my "set point," that my body does not want to be this size. If it did, then this is the size I would be when I eat healthy and exercise, and that would be fine. I would not have mood swings and headaches ALL THE F***ING TIME. I would not have a puffy face and a puffy stomach. I would not have to try on the same clothes over and over because they fit one day but not the next.

I was daydreaming yesterday about someone commenting on how I looked a few years ago-it wasn't really a compliment, it was weird-they were saying that I looked good, but that they were concerned because they knew that I had a history of eating disorders and drinking too much-I said "NO, that's not what is going on right now. This is what I look like when I take care of myself. When you knew me before, I was not taking care of myself. I pretended that I was, and you thought I was, but I wasn't." I was wrong, they didn't think I was. It wasn't all about food, but it's all related. I am not good at lying, except maybe to myself.

Some people would say that I have a few pounds to lose, but nothing to really worry about. Some would say that I look fine and should stop obsessing. Some would say that I am a fat cow. It doesn't matter. People have NO idea. The people who think that I have done so well only think that because they don't see the truth. They see the way I eat in front of everyone and think that I do it that way all the time. So I can see why they think that I am "healthy." It has been so long since I did things right, there really aren't many people around me anymore who would remember what I can be. It doesn't matter though, because I KNOW. I know that this isn't what I want for myself. I know I can do better. Not just with my weight either. I am not enjoying my life this way. I have stopped doing things I enjoy. I have wasted opportunities to learn and grow. Some because of being self-conscious, and others simply because of laziness and fatigue. I'm done. I need to be thankful for everything I have and not waste it away because of my addiction. I have been very irresponsible-it is time to change.

[Samantha42]

Daisy--

I know exactly how you feel. Remember how you feel right now whenever you feel like you are backtracking. You will feel so much better in just 2-3 days, remember that, and give yourself that time! Your clothes will fit better almost immediately, and your fatigue and other problems will get better. You deserve to live the life you WANT to live. No more excuses! get into ketosis