Journey of StephLosin

[StephLosin]

Today is day 5. I have been thinking of starting this journal since I got my wake up call. I think it is important for me to do this, to be real with myself. Since I rarely have time for myself, I think I shall treat this as my therapy. A place where I can work on my mind while I work on my body.

So yeah, day 5. This is the first program that I have done that I havent felt starving, or was fighting cravings, or suffering from the lackacarbflu. I think Stillman's is the right choice. I wish I knew how much I really weighed, so that I had a definite start point. I know that the last time I went to the doctors which was a few months ago, I had hit 323...wow. As much as I wish I could blame that on the pregnancy and the c-section recovering, and the general adjustment of being a mom for the first time...I know thats just bullcrap. I have to be honest with myself, i used food. I used it when I was happy...when I was sad...when I was angry...when I was bored. Food was my coping mechanism. I think its important that I recognize this, write about this and face the ugly truth. It is my only chance for not letting it happen again.

Everyday my son gets older and everyday I grow more scared that I will become an embarrassment to him. I don't want to be a fat mommy, and I don't ever want him to be ashamed of me...the thought brings tears to my eyes. Don't misunderstand, I am doing this for MYSELF but when I think I may be falling weak...thinking of my son renews my strength.

I wonder why it is so hard for me to do things for myself. My entire life I do for everyone else until the point I have nothing left to give back to me. Maybe that is why I have gotten this way, or maybe that is me still holding on to denial that I have let myself get to this point. When I look in the mirror...I really do not know the person looking back at me...that is scary. I have been dickering around trying to get myself motivated to do something...funny how it took me flopping down in my office chair and my fat arse breaking the chair infront of everyone to wake up. I wanted to cry...I still do. But I suppose a wake up call is a wake up call...and that damn chair was mine.

I have tried to outline some specific rewards for myself as I progress. And not just stupid rewards like I would have chosen in the past...REAL rewards...REAL treats for ME. I think I will list them here...

First Major Goal- 299 Pounds(about a 30 lbs loss). When I get there, I am going to go and get the most expensive and luxurious mani/pedi possible. I like it when my nails and toes look nice.

Second Major Goal- Pre-Pregnancy Weight of 250 Pounds. When I get here, I am going to have these ugly moles on my neck and back removed. God I hate them. This will be a great reward.

Third Major Goal- 199 Pounds. I am not certain yet what I will do at this goal. I could say something like 'get a new wardrobe' but clothing shopping has never been enjoyable for me and I do not know if it will become so at this goal. Maybe..maybe not, but its a good place holder for now.

Forth Major Goal- 150 Pounds. My reward here is special to me, though it may not seem like a big deal to many. At this goal I am going to have a portrait taken of me and my son. It may not seem like much but if you knew how I detested taking pictures and how ashamed I am of myself...this goal is monumentous.

Final Goal- 130 Pounds. My trip...to where I havent yet decided...France, Ireland or Egypt are still in the running. This trip is something I have wanted my entire life. This is the ultimate reward for me.


And now that I have my goals outlined I want to list why I am doing this, so that if I ever feel like I have lost track, I can come back and remember.

-I never want to break a chair again with my big arse
-I want to know what it feels like to walk and not have my legs rub together
-I want the first thing that wears out in my pants NOT to be the crotch
-I want to like taking pictures
-I want to be able to take a bath in a standard size tub
-I want to like myself again
-I want men to hit on me and my husband be jealous
-I want to never be too tired to play with my son
-I want to never again not want to go out because I am fat and am embarrassed or can't find anything to wear
-I want to not have to spend $70 on jeans just because I am too fat to buy from the cheaper trendy stores
-I never want to have to shop in a plus-size section or store again
-I want to not be afraid to 'put myself out there' at work
-I want to LIKE looking in the mirror
-I want to wear short skirts or dresses
-I want to love life more than food

So yeah...thats a good start.

[CaroleKI61]

You are off to a wonderful start Dear, just hang in there and stay on the road heading in the right direction, you deserve to reach your goal, love Carole

[stickergoddess]

You will get there- just be patient and stick to it. Low carb really is the way to go-- you have made a great decision.

[StephLosin]

Thank you both for your support. I appreciate it more than words.

Man thhe last few days have been rough at work, my boss is a real piece of work. I am proud of myself though for not losing total control. I do think I ate a little more today than I had been the last few days..maybe it was the frozen burgers...I used the foreman grill and sucked all the fat off, but thats the only thing I have had different. I think i will avoid them for a little while and see.

Man am I glad to be home

[StephLosin]

Day 6-

I feel a little tired today, likely because I didn't sleep very well. I know it is due to all the stress from work. Everyday I lose more and more respect for my boss, he is such a smuck. The only thing that keeps me going is the wonderful things our clients say to me. I think that they know how hard I work and that I am doing most of it on my own. I really do love my work with the deepest of passion, I just hate my job. How strange that sounds.

Last night I got off way later than I thought, thanksfully mom was there to cover with Josh. I hate days like yesterday, I leave just as he wakes up, and I get home only in enough time to get some food in his belly, give him a bath, and send him off to sleep. I miss him so much during the day, but I just have to keep reminding myself that the sacrifices today will make a better tomorrow for him...god I hope that is true.

Yeesh- work is crazy today, constant interruptions. Hmm, now where was I. Oh well, I am off to eat my eggs now, I feel hungry for the first time today at its 10:45. I have been drinking my water though. I couldn't help by feel anxious this morning...each AM when I get up and look in the mirror. First the front and then the side...I know this is only the 6th day but I guess I am hoping to 'see' a change. Maybe I will get a scale after all, I just know that I can become addicted to that number and I am afraid of letting it be a controlling factor over my mood. On the other hand, I want to know I am having progress and I suppose it would be another good way to learn control. I will definitely have to limit myself to how often I get on the scale. Yes...I think I may get one after all.

Maybe there is some difference already, this morning said very sweetly as I was leaving for work that I just looked so pretty today He really is a sweet man.

[StephLosin]

Man am I ready for bed. I feel like I did good on plan today. I am back to my normal numbers and lack of hunger. I really think it was those damn burgers.

Chris is already talking about what we should do for our anniversary the end of next month. I dunno, I guess I do not want to think about it because I know that it could lead to temptations and frankly at this point I am all about avoiding any situation that might throw me off track. Is that selfish? Maybe so, but I think I have earned that right. I want to spend time with him and I am definitely in need of a little break. I guess I can just make sure I have my meat and eggs with me and no matter where we are I ensure there is a fridge.

I got an email today advertising the new swim suits for the season I want to buy one but I dont at the same time. Plus they had the cutest dresses, it really made me wish I could wear them. I thought about buying one just as a goal dress, but then thought it was silly considering I have so many goal clothes already Heck, I even have goal underwear. Man does that sound silly to say. Well I think I shall down one more glass of water and head to bed. I thought about exercising tonight...I actually have been thinking about it the last few nights. I really thought I wanted to do it, but I didn't. Maybe tomorrow. I have decided to use Friday nights as my at home pamper night. Once Joshy is in bed I will exercise, give myself a facial, put some cucumber over my eyes and destress from the week. Man...I love fridays

[StephLosin]

Welcome week 2!

I can tell I haven't done my journal in a few days becaues I had to go to page two of the threads. Bad me!

I always look forward to the weekends, but it is definitely harder on me eating wise for some reason. I suppose when I am at work I hardly have enough time to pee let alone think about food. I still managed to stay within my desired limits today. I did feel hungry this afternoon though, and that scared me for some reason. I didn't LIKE that feeling, especially after going all week with basically forcing myself to eat anything. I started to panic, silly I know...but I regained composure and beefed up protein a little with some tuna...that helped. I was very proud of myself, cooking 3 meals for my son, that I was only very mildly tempted when I made him waffles...but it was more the smell that tempted me...not really the thought of having that.

For the first time in my life I am starting to look at food differently. I feel like I can see the excess fat and carbs in things and it makes me I hope that feeling stays with me. It is strange for me this time around...I do not even feel like I am restricting myself. It is as if I have closed off everything around me food wise and put my head down and am plunging through the fat. I hope the scale will agree with me...once I get one

I actually curled my hair and put on make-up today, for the first time in I cannot remember when, maybe Thanksgiving? I did it for no special reason other than I wanted to try to make myself feel pretty. The only bad part is that I soon realized that all of my cosmetics were way old and I had to throw them out Guess that is something else to add to the shopping list.

I have thought of a few addition to my own personal 'Why I want to lose weight list':

-I want shaving my legs to no longer feel like I am doing an olympic gymnastics floor exercise routine.
-I do not want to have to pull out alllllll of the seatbelt to get it latched around me.
-I want to be able to paint my own toe nails and not have it look like my 22 month old son did it.
-I want to look down and see my...well stuff down there.
-I want to be comfortable sleeping on my stomach again.

Those were the ones I had thought of off and on over the last 2 days. Well I think I am off to shower and head to bed, feeling pretty tired today...like most days. That would be another great addition to the list...just to not feel so tired anymore...man that would be great.

Well Loser signing out!

[StephLosin]

Day 10-

I have been thinking all day about writing in this journal. Yesterday was a really hard day for me it felt like. I woke up feeling 'fat' and Josh was in a horrid mood all day. I managed to stay on plan...but it felt harder than it had been.

I got up this morning and dragged myself to work, although I was feeling a little better about myself. Boss even complimented me on how nice I looked . I continued feeling pretty good, even went to the store to get a scale and bought myself some new make-up as well. I thought it looked nice on me. Scale is starring at me, but i dare not even get on until morning. My biggest fear is that the scale only goes to 330...and i am afraid that i will get on there and it say EEE because I was even heavier at start that I thought.

Chris was in picture taking mood tonight...and in my delusion that I was looking better I let him snap some photos. After downloading them into the computer though I was quickly brought back to reality. Normally i would have immediately deleted them all, but I left some this time. As a reminder to myself how bad I let myself go.

I thought of a few other things I want to achieve or why I want to lose weight...my list is constantly growing.

-I want my wedding rings to fit again.
-I want all of my cute shoes to fit again...even my feet got fat .

Well, I suppose that is all my rant for tonight. We shall see what the scale says tomorrow...maybe.

[StephLosin]

Blast! I was in the middle of my rant and I accidently closed the window Oh well, it was a good release anyway. I am feeling better now that i am home and had a good meal. Hope that damn scale moves tomorrow I think I have peed about 20 times today so hopefully my body is flushing out some fat!

I am pretty proud that i can still cook 'regular' for the boys and not at all feel that I want any of that stuff. I am still having serious cravings today, maybe it was the stress of the day. Having a really hard time fighting them...but i wont let myself give in. Maybe once Josh goes to sleep I will take a long shower and go to bed early....anything to avoid caving.

I have been drinking tons of water today, but I am constantly feeling thirsty. Maybe this Aquafina flavor water will help that and curb the cravings? who knows. Well thus ends day 11. I wonder what tomorrow will be like...

[StephLosin]

Hello my trusty Journal- today marks the last day of week 2! WOOHOO! So far averaging about 1lb loss a day...man how great that would be if I could keep that up! I am feeling pretty great today other than my stupid RLS acting up. Maybe its a good thing in disguise because it makes me keep moving around lol.

So I decided I want to take one two new activities...yoga/meditation and learning how to ballroom dance. I think the yoga and meditation is going to be great for me, I need a mental clearing often lol. The dancing I think is just so cool and sexy and I really would love to know how to do it. Maybe not just yet because I want to not be embarrassed going in...but once I get close to goal this is a promise I make to myself...I already have the placed lined up!

TGIF!!!!!! More to come later maybe...depends on how I get at work

[StephLosin]

Well its been a pretty quiet day but i am bushed. I could crawl into bed right now but I am going to fullfill my promise to myself and pamper myself with a facial and cucumbers and melt the stress of the week away.

I am soooo hopeful, although maybe unrealistic that I will hit the 15 pounds loss tomorrow morning. I would need to lose 1.6 pounds overnight.

[StephLosin]

Day 15

Well man was I happy jumping on the scale this morning! I was worried too because I had a little more calories than usual yesterday but I felt more hungry. It was probably because I did a massive cleaning of the house early on without having eaten much. Well whatever it was...it worked!

I have also decided that I will dedicate the last week of the month as prep for fasting and then do the 'One day detox diet'. I have started taking the supplements in preparation and I feel great. I think that once a month is a realistic goal and it is almost like giving my body a good clean out in preparation for the next month ahead. So I am excited about this. I have read up on this a little but my mom has the book, so throughout the week I will be reading up more so that I am prepared for next weekend.

I am totally dreading this week at work with my office mate being on vacation. Just the thought of what the week will hold in store makes me want to run screaming. Oh well, it is only 5 days. My biggest fear is that i will become so stressed and so angry I will turn to food as comfort. I worry not so much about eating something bad as over eating on 'allowed' foods. I suppose though recognizing this concern is a good step towards avoiding it.

I really want to break 300 and enter 'twoterville' before my anniversary the end of next month. So far I am on track to do that, just hope the weight keeps coming off as consistently.

I thought of a few more objectives I want to add to my list of why I am doing this...

-I want to not feel so ashamed of myself that I avoid taking my son to the beach or the pool.

-I want to not feel ashamed to wear shorts...outside.

The weather gets warmer daily...and my son is a fish by nature...I do not want him to miss out on fun because of his shamed fat mommy

[StephLosin]

Recap of my weight loss reasons/objectives to date:

-I never want to break a chair again with my big arse
-I want to know what it feels like to walk and not have my legs rub together
-I want the first thing that wears out in my pants NOT to be the crotch
-I want to like taking pictures
-I want to be able to take a bath in a standard size tub
-I want to like myself again
-I want men to hit on me and my husband be jealous
-I want to never be too tired to play with my son
-I want to never again not want to go out because I am fat and am embarrassed or can't find anything to wear
-I want to not have to spend $70 on jeans just because I am too fat to buy from the cheaper trendy stores
-I never want to have to shop in a plus-size section or store again
-I want to not be afraid to 'put myself out there' at work
-I want to LIKE looking in the mirror
-I want to wear short skirts or dresses
-I want to love life more than food
-I want shaving my legs to no longer feel like I am doing an olympic gymnastics floor exercise routine.
-I do not want to have to pull out alllllll of the seatbelt to get it latched around me.
-I want to be able to paint my own toe nails and not have it look like my 22 month old son did it.
-I want to look down and see my...well stuff down there.
-I want to be comfortable sleeping on my stomach again.
-I want my wedding rings to fit again.
-I want all of my cute shoes to fit again...even my feet got fat .
-I want to not feel so ashamed of myself that I avoid taking my son to the beach or the pool.
-I want to not feel ashamed to wear shorts...outside.

[StephLosin]

Good Morning Journal (and anyone else reading...its okay if you show yourself, I dont mind )

Well this morning, I had a special visitor! TOM! I was a little surprised considering he hasn't visited me in ohhhh, 4 or more months. Not that that is surprising either, it is never regular...one reason why my Josh is such a miracle to Chris and I.

So naturally the scale was up about .8 this morning but that's okay. I mean it is to be expected. So I am going to try not to get on the scale until TOM is gone. I stress try. The scale keeps me very accountable and maybe its because I have been constantly losing that it hasnt made me angry...yet

One major bummer is that if TOM keeps coming regular again it will hit right over our 7th anniversary next month I guess we shall just have to wait and see.

Today I am going to try to research out a good salon/spa in anticipation for meeting my first goal sometime within the next two weeks. Originally I was going to just go for a mani/pedi but my hair do (or dont) is in need of an update and I think I will add a facial to the mix. My skin needs a good overhaul to and honestly, for the first time in my life...I am all about redoing myself. That actually feels good

I tell you another thing, since starting this and just losing the little bit I have, I feel better all over (most days). Things between Chris and I are so strong and wonderful right now. I think he feels that I feel different and it is really rekindling our relationship. As funny as this may sound, I can feel how much easier s-e-x gets with every pound. Thats a definite

For anyone out there who has a prayer or two to spare or just some luck please direct some to us. We are trying again to buy a house. We have had the worst luck so far but maybe third time is a charm? I hope! I want so bad to have a yard for Joshy and Peney to run around and play together in. I think I would do just about anything! I just hope we dont get beat out again

Well I may be back again today to rant, depending on how the work day goes! Man I am going to miss my office mate so much this week, I am going to go without her. Thank god I have my support here .

Oh! I almost forgot...new weight loss objective!

- I want to fit into the gorgeous seude and fur coat that Chris bought me. It hasnt ever fit well, and its so beautiful.

[StephLosin]

Man do I feel like today. I do not know what gives with TOM, I think it is just toying with me as it lasted half a day and stopped...yet I still feel like its going full force. Just very achey and moody today. Not to mention the damn scale shot up 3 pounds I feel totally bloated so I am hoping its water weight, though I have been drinking so much I feel like a fish.

Today I really have felt like I have been doing this plan for a looooooooong time. I don't really miss food or have any desire to eat, it is more like I am just plain aggrivated about everything in general...freaking TOM

I hate feeling so down in the dumps, it makes it hard for me to have motivation about anything and not to mention it makes me depressed about myself. I especially feel very very impatient about the weight loss right now, which I know is silly but still...today...that's how I am feeling. Just like I want to grab all the fat and pull really hard so it just comes right off my body! Man, if only it were that easy.

I do not feel any risk at all of cheating or blowing my plan, just plain annoyed at the world today. Wishing TOM would just come on and get it over with so I can start feeling good again. I am actually looking forward to the fast I have planned for Saturday, I think my body can use a good flushing out.

I just want to meet my first goal so bad. I want to never ever ever EVER see my weight start with a 3 again!

[StephLosin]

Well today was a much better day for me mentally and physically. I still don't know what the deal was with spotting and TOM . Oh well. I decided that as of 5pm today (after dinner) I am going to go on my first detoxification fast that will last through Monday Morning.

I have really been inspired to do this from all my megababes on Stillman's and I think it will be good for both my body and my mind. I have been doing a bit of research and I think the fast I am going to do is the detox fast buy Ann Louise Gittleman...or a variation of it. I have just about everything I need...I have been dropping down my calories/fats/carbs over the last two days as preparation, as well as prolonging how long I go through the day without initially eating. Stillman's has definiately helped me prep for this as I am in deep ketosis, so no hunger. My only concern with this fast is that it requires a good deal of pure cranberry intake which as carbs in it obviously. However I think I will still stay within a low range. I am really excited about giving my body this break. The last three weeks it has been working hard running on only protein and I have not had many bm's at all. So I think this will do an all-over good, not to mention further my control over my eating. I am also hoping that this will really jump my weight loss even more, and that it will keep my body from 'getting used to' my plan. I REALLLLLLLLY want to hit Goal 2 by my son's birthday on May 15th.

Second Major Goal- Pre-Pregnancy Weight of 250 Pounds. When I get here, I am going to have these ugly moles on my neck and back removed. God I hate them. This will be a great reward.

I know this is probably a stretch...its about 60 pounds in 6 weeks but I am aiming high! I don't have time for little goals, I have too far to go and to much determination to give in to impossibles. I like to believe that anything is possible, if you want it bad enough. I guess this time around I am not feeling like I am on a diet...I am on a life changing mission...to find myself again. I feel like everyday, another layer of veiling is pulled away...and I have no intention of stopping now!

3 Hours down...81 Hours to go!

[crazyredhead]

Hi Stephanie . I was reading your journal (hope that's Ok ) and just wanted to say that you seem to have a great attitude and that I really liked your list of reasons/objections regarding losing weight. It may not be exactly the same list I would do if I were to put one together... but there were certainly quite a few that I could identify with. They are all good reminders of where we've been and great motivation for where we want to be. KUTGW

[StephLosin]

Originally Posted by crazyredhead

Hi Stephanie . I was reading your journal (hope that's Ok ) and just wanted to say that you seem to have a great attitude and that I really liked your list of reasons/objections regarding losing weight. It may not be exactly the same list I would do if I were to put one together... but there were certainly quite a few that I could identify with. They are all good reminders of where we've been and great motivation for where we want to be. KUTGW

I do not mind you reading at all! I welcome any comments Thanks for the kudos!

[StephLosin]

Well, I feel freaking great!

I am feeling slight hunger and starting to grow pretty tired but mentally and physically I am pretty pround of myself. As of right now I am 27 hours into this fast. I was surprised I didnt suffer from a caffeine headache or anything of the sort, and although the day has been long, I only had a brief period of time where I was missing the idea of eating.

So 20 days and a little over 20 pounds, not to shabby . I wish I could see it on myself more but somehow I think I will always wish that. I am hoping that this fast not only furthers my strength over food but also keeps my body fresh so it does not grow old with the strict diet of Stillman's. I mean I know it will happen eventually but I would like to shed quite a bit more before the stall. Hopefully fasting will let my body keep from getting adjusted while cleaning me out a bit. The more I read about it the more fascinated I become with the entire idea of it.

I think everyone is a little surpised at my conviction...especially me . I think I am going to save my weekly facial for tomorrow...there are alot of hours in the day to fill up doing something, so I have been saving all my activities and favorite shows for then Here is to a restful night of body detoxification!

[StephLosin]

Well physically I am feeling really good this morning, mentally I feel a little in a foul mood. Probably cause the scale was up 1lb this morning. Go figure that, a day of fasting makes you gain weight? Maybe it was the cranwater, even though it is pure cranberry, perhaps the carbs from that was too much. So today I think I will switch to plain water and see if I have better results. I suppose the day of cranwater wasnt a total waste, I am sure it helped flush my kidney's out and maybe it will be good preparation for Day 2. I had hoped to sleep in longer today, to make the waking hours less but alas, no such luck there.

Its kinda strange, I feel like a look really fat today, but physically my body feels light. I really do not want to go through the day in a foul mood so i am trying hard to snap out of it but grrrrrrrrrrrr. Hopefully it will pass soon.

37 Hours into fast right now, and I do not have any hunger pains nor headache. I think the test will be today overcoming the wanting to just eat. Which is something I need to get control over. My entire life I have just eaten because. Not when I was hungry, I ate because I wanted to just eat.

Man I I just want to get under 300 I was hoping this weekend would be the weekend. *crossing fingers*

[StephLosin]

Well, I am still going strong but feeling a little weaker in terms of wanting to eat. Especially since i am cooking food for the boys. It smells so good but even though it is tempting me, I dont really want to EAT it...just taste it What since does that make . I have been trying to think of how to carefully add food back into my diet after I end the fast...thinking I may do the reverse of how I weened in. I think I will look at my fitday menu's and work that way. I think day one I will bring in soft proteins like the eggs and cottage cheese.

I just hope all this is going to show in the scales in the morning. Kinda frustrating to see that I gained 1 lb after fasting for a day. We shall see I guess. I have been making sure I drink at least one glass of water per hour to keep things hydrated. I have the horrid metal mouth taste so I guess my body is doing what it needs to do. I feel fairly energetic, which is surprising to me. Well I am off to finish cooking spaghetti for the boys. Funny that the cooking is actually keeping me occupied so the time is going pretty fast. God it smells so good though Damn food!

[StephLosin]

Well here I am, entering into hour 66 of my first fast. I feel pretty great mentally and physically...a little tired though. Yesterday definitely showed a better weight loss with just the water...I am not 7 pounds away from TWOTERVILLE! Haven't seen one of those numbers since I was pregnant with Josh...almost 2.5 years ago I am very excited and hoping that by the end of this week I will beable to claim my spot there.

So far today I have gotten up with Josh (at 5:30 am), putzed around the house and on the bb, made the boys waffles for breakfast, took my shower, and now am baking chicken in preparation for next week. I have been researching some recipes for Stillman's QWL, not that i am bored with the plan but just for some different ideas. I am actually surpised at how many of the things I enjoyed (like quiche) can be made with the use of the eggs and cottage cheese. Very cool!

So, I decided I am going to try to push through with the fast until tomorrow morning and break the fast at 'breakfast'. That's less than another 24 hours...I think I can make it Technically my full 3 days would end at 5pm tonight but I figure i can suffer through a few extra hours before heading to bed and then see my true results in the morning. Plus it gives my body a few more hours to detox.

It is a little strange but I almost am afraid of eating food now. Only because I want to do good by my body and not overload it first day back. My plan is for Monday to have:

B-Hard boiled Egg (1) & coffee (maybe) w/ splenda
L-Chicken quiche (1 serving)
D-Baked Salmon w/herbs & 1/2 cup Cottage Cheese

So that gives me the following totals for first day back into food:

Calories - 592
Fat - 22g
Carb - 6.5 total
Prot - 91g

I think this will give me a good lead into returning to more normal levels on Tuesday. So, thats me plan as of right now