Sarajewel's Journal - Jump in where you are!

[Sarajewel]

Gotta start somewhere. Its been almost three weeks and I've lost 10 pounds. You cannot see any differnece yet but what was I expecting? Poof! 2 weeks on Atkins and I'm a bomb shell! Silly huh? I want to be one of those respected posters who have done their time and been suscessfull. I just want to be that way now instead of taking the journey.

I think to really value any change/weightloss, I've got to really work at it. When I got to the point where I knew I needed to divorce my husband, one of the things I realized was that I was having trouble letting go of all of the effort and work I put into keeping that marriage alive. It wasn't him. But that point even though I think I still loved him, I didnt like him. Letting go of him was much easier than letting go of all of that effort. Perhaps the same is true of taking care of my body. To value this body I need to invest effort and attention to it's needs. Over time doing that it would be hard to let go of this WOE becuse it would be casting aside the daily commitment and effot I have made.

Goals for tomorrow-
1. Eat clean
2. lots of water
3. be nice to myself
4. Have fun in the snow!

Thanks for letting us have a place for a public journal. I'm hoping this will help me track my progress and be really honest about the journey.

[Sarajewel]

I woke up to a 3 pound whosh.

I'm seeing a problem pattern though. Every time I have a whosh, meet a goal or string together 3-4 days of solid progress on the scale, I overeat. I think part of my thinking is that "see this is working - I can eat and celebrate." However, it occured to me today that maybe this behavior is some type of self sabotage. I ate clean today and stayed under my calorie requirment - but today's calorie intake was the highest since the day I met my first mini goal. The next day I was up two. I wonder what tomorrow will bring? The other thing that occured to me is why do I see success as license to eat more? One of the things I love about Atkins is that I NEVER feel hungry. If I do, I eat. No problem. So today's overeating is not about hunger or being in tune with my body - it's something else.

I exercised a little bit today - 15 min Dance Factory, shoveling the walk and playing in the drifts in the back yard. Took my vitamins. Need to drink more.

Tomorrow's Goals
1. Drink more water!
2. Eat clean
3. Play in the snow
4. Yoga - I always feel better when I do it and I always wonder why I don't do it more - then i stop doing it because of lots of excuses. I once read that everyone should meditate for at least 10 min a day; unless they are really busy and stressed and don't have time. In that case, they should meditate for 20 minutes. Yoga is meditation for me.
5. No excuses

Hope eveyone out there is doing well and staying on track. Thanks for visiting my journal.

[Sarajewel]

Up two this monring - go figure...

Why do I have compulsions to eat when I'm not hungry? We went shopping this weekend and there are lots of options for me. I want to try all of them - right now. I've got a long way to go to leave these compulsions behind. I just ate two metamucil wafers they sent in one of those trial packs. 6 g of fibre - but sugar and 11 net carbs - puts me at 46 for the day. Not good and I knew it wouldnt be, but it was like this compulsive thing - I wanted something but I wasn't hungry Actually still feeling full from dinner) and knew i was already on the high side for the day. Is it harm reduction to eat a fibre suppliment when I crave somthing sweet? It's pathetic. The good news is that they were a sample and there are no more in the house. They were actually pretty good.

The good news is that I drink lots of water and did 25 min of Yoga. Jazzed to do more tomorrow.

Tomorrow's goals:
1. Drink, drink, drink
2. EAT CLEAN!
3. Yoga...
4. Keep moving and don't stress out about things I cannot control.

Be well all.

[jennsdream]

Just wanted to stop in and say hello and to say congrats on your weight loss so far

I was reading your journal and it made me giggle because I too have the same problem
I know I'm full but everything sounds good go figure Hopefully I can get past this bored eating thing
good luck I know you'll do great

[Sarajewel]

It's 6 degrees with blowing snow. I want comfort food and alcoholic cocoa... But, it's weird. Today it's like I can sit back and smile at that want because it seems like a silly thing. I'm not at any risk of doing it and I don't feel at all deprived. My weight is back down a bit.

We bought boxed hamburger patties and they were horrible. Blech - fatty and terrible quality meat - I'm gonna have to doctor them because they wont go down plain... 18 to go and then never again. My fit day says my iron intak is low and I realized that even on Atkins I don't eat that much meat. I eat lots of eggs, cheeses, and vegetables.

Someone noticed my wight loss for the first time today. I suspect it was because I was wearing pants that fit...

I did do 30 min of yoga Feels really good even though I have to modify everything and have limited endurance. I feel lighter, calmer and more centered. It's a good place to be.

Gaols for tomorrow:
1. Drink! (not so good on that one today)
2. eat clean
3. More yoga
4. Lay off the peanut butter - it's a compulsion food. May need to leave it alone all together.

Be well all.

[jennsdream]

Thanks for the reply
Hold off on that hot cocoa craving it isnt that great once you have it

Quitting smoking was easier than giving up comfort food to my surprise I dont think I realized how addicted I was

Pants that fit always seem to make a difference congrats on getting there

well off to bed just finished boiling me eggs for the morning now if I could only get hubby to stop stealing them for his lunch

[Sarajewel]

Thanks Jenn - no cocoa!

No deep thoughts today. Ate clean. Low on calories too. Stayed away from the peanut butter. Phew. No yoga today. Not enough time. Maybe tomorrow.

Another step on the journey. I suspect the real work of this is not that dramatic or interesting. And yet it life changing.

Be well all.

[Sarajewel]

Poking along. Found out that my "sugar free" coffee mate has high fructose corn syrup as the third ingredient. They double astrick it and state "adds a trivial amount of sugar." I noticed that my apetite has incresed in the last week and I'm having a harder time keeping my carbs and calories down. I bring in a small thermos and sip coffee all day. It's good and cheap. I wonder it I have been tweeking my blood sugars? Back to heavy cream and davinci tomorrow.

Dr Atkins asks "Can you eat this way for the rest of your life?" I do not know. I LOVE chocolate. I love bread. When I was a kid I wanted to be a pastry chef. I make GREAT bread form scratch. I know I want to be healthier and what I was eating before was NOT healthy. I have tried just low calorie and exersising and I'm miserable and feel deprived. I like Atkins because it's effective I never have to be hungry and I actually eat more vegetables on Atkins than I do when I'm not. The only reason I stopped Atkins the last time I was on was that I got pregnant and the "maitenance plan" whent to hell pretty quickly. I think I was able to get pregnant because of the better nutrition, better energy, more regular cycles that I experienced on Atkins.

But can I eat this way forever? Even liberalized on lifetime maitenance - asuming I ever make it that far - I honestly do not know. I understand that there are low carb foods out there designed to make baking easier. Many are HORRIBLE and I know my family will not eat them. It took 4 years to get my husband to eat whole wheat bread... The other thing I do not like about many of thise adapted products is that they have become franken foods. When I think about what I will eat when I am at goal, it is virtually everything I used to eat only with more vegetables and fruits and smaller portions. I dont really see myself doing what is described as lifetime maintenance phase. Which I suspect will lead me right bact to where I am now....

I guess at this point I will just keep going day by day. Doing Atkins, Watching my nutrition. Trying to exercise (I did yoga tonight - pat on back). Dealing with cravings one at a time. Maybe once I get to the point where I am close to goal, (and I do not have to worry about that ANY time soon - I have a loooong way to go) this answer will be simple. At this point, not knowing does not reduce my motivation to stay on the path today.

Be well all.

[jennsdream]

Way to go on the yoga

Everything will fall into place when its time lets be honest eating a piece of bread didn't get us where we are it was the bread and brownies and pasta and other crap Use Atkins as a tool I don't know about you but this WOE is slowly making me aware of how much food it takes me to get full and it isn't a sandwich made from a half a loaf of French bread or 2 plates of spaghetti

When I hit my goal I plan to keep an eye on carbs but I also know that i will enjoy food but as just that FOOD not to feel better not to get me through a bad day

I'm sure you will find the answers you are looking for

Keep up the great work
Jenn

[Sarajewel]

I'm back... Had to go out of town and wound up getting stuck in PA for the storm.... Basically stayed on plan - which is to say that I allowed myself some planned cheats (tom and Valentines Day). I'm back on track with alomst no cravings. That is the problem for me, when my carbs slip up, I start having wicked cravings. Last time I did Atkins I allowed myself planned cheats for holidays and It worked. I didn't feel deprived and I always got right back on the wagon. A cheat slows me down for about 2 days. I'm a pound up from when I left but tom might be messing with that too....

We got about 3 feet of snow so I got my exercise shoveling and snow blowing.... Got to go take a shower, my hair stinks from the snowblower and I'm getting a headach...

Be well all.

[Sarajewel]

Poking along. My weight was down 1+# this morning, so it's nice to be back on track. My carbs were on the high side today but my calorie intake was fine. No exercise but housework... My husband bought me an early birthday present. It's a pink MP3 player - not an ipod but similar I think. It has 30g, and does pics and video. I've loaded 533 songs... I'm wearing it around the house as I clean and I'm tapping my toes more...

If I have not mentioned it in this journal, I am blessed to have a WONDERFUL dh. He thinks I am beautiful no matter what I look like. He has the same bad eating habits I do. He is not as overweight as I am, but is a diabetic. He will not do Atkins, but when I do it he supports me and I think eats a bit healthier too. I'm noticing less junk food in the house.

I'm really very lucky. I have a really great dh and dd who love me to bits. We both have good solid jobs that pay well. We own a modest but cool house. We could do better with money but our debt is marginal and are able to handle the big expenses and save for college/retirment. In the scheme of things I have a pretty good life. Goal for tomorrow: appreciate those I love and what we have achieved.

Be well all.

[Sarajewel]

I'm not hungry, but I want to eat. I think Peanut butter is one of those foods I just cannot have. I REALLY, REALLY want it - but it triggers cravings and calls to me from the pantry... I made dobie muffins with peanut butter and almond extract. They are good. I'm not hungry, but I want to eat. I know I already said that... sigh.

I was thinking about my relationship with food and the addictive elements to it. When my ex was getting treatment for his alcoholism they suggested that i abstain from drinking for 90 days. I did it, and with the exception of two or three occasions when I was out with frieds, not drinking was a piece of cake. Those few times I realized I wanted a beer or a glass of wine and I felt a teeny bit deprived, but there was a greater purpose. I think I need to go 90 days with no "cheats." I'm looking forward to my DH and DD's bithdays, as well as Easter because I know I will cheat. Ditto for my B-day, Ren Fest and the State Fair.... I want to celebrate those days because they are special days, not because of what I will put in my mouth.

Being cheat free would be MUCH, MUCH, MUCH harder than not drinking. That tells me that I've got a big problem. I know I should take the high road and declare tomorrow as day 1. I'm not going to do it. I will eat clean tomorrow, And I will think about this and set a date - like a smoker's quit date.

Be well all.

[Sarajewel]

I'm still thinking about the 90 day thing. I thought about just doing a 90 day peanut butter free thing but then I thought about recess pieces... I started to think about what food specifically I'm looking forward to cheating with. Chocolate is a definate. But so is the birthday cake I will make for my daughter and the ice cream cake I know my DH will want for his BD. And the Easter basket...... I thought maybe I could limit these planned cheats to specific foods but the I realized i feel deprived. What I LOVE about atkins it that I am not deprived. If I'm hungry, I go eat. Mostly I'm not very hungry. When I want to eat I ask my tummy if I'm hungry. If the answer is no I don't eat and deal with it. So the whole "lets make lots of rules about special days" thing is not gonna work.

At the risk of rationalizing...If I had only ate sweats and special foods on celebrations days I wouldn't be in this boat. i'm here because I ate them all the time and did not appreciate them. I have always felt that special occasions are ok for cheats, so long as the cheat is in the context of that occasion, not all day long and when the occasion is over I jump right back on the wagon. The last time I did Atkins that was not a problem. Pregnancy derailed me, not a cheat. I still think the fack that I'm agonizing this much over peanut butter means I've got a problem with the stuff. Can I finish the Dobie Muffins I made yesterday and then do the 90 day no PB thing?

[Sarajewel]

i'm not in a good space tonight. I feel put upon. Its been really hectic at work and there is too much to do at home too. I want to go hide. I want to eat. I'm not hungry so I'm not going to. That means that i have to deal with these feelings and I really don't want to and I'm angry that I cant just be ok in this moment. I feel like goal is so far away and I also have a long way to get to my mini goal (10% weight loss - 15 down, 8# to go). I think I've got a touch of a bug. I have a headach and my tummys not right.

I'm still thinking about the 90 day thing. I'm fighting it - I think I will get there but it pissing me off that its a strugle. Example: a company that wants me to swing them buisness left chocolates and literature while I was in a meeting. GOOD chocolates. I know I'm not going to eat them - had to read the nutrition lable to confirm that... And yet I don't want to give them up. THEY ARE MINE. What the heck is wrong with me? Before this woe I would have scarfed a bunch thinking I deserved them because of the lousy days I have had. I know I cannot and will not eat them, but I'm unwilling to let them go. I'll put them to good use tomorrow. There are several people I know who would appreciate them.

Be well all.

[Sarajewel]

I gave the chocolate away and I feel good about it.

I'm still eating clean. I was down a pound this morning which helps. I also busted it at work today and made some decent progress. For me the secret to happiness is working hard. Maybe that one of the hard things about cravings whe I wnat to do somethin (eat) not doing something makes me crazy

My DH broght me Swiss Miss diet cocoa - 3 net carbs and 30% of my calcium. I love that!

I need to remeber to be grateful.

[Sarajewel]

I'm in deep ketosis right now. I'm losing almost a pound a day. I know I can't keep it up in the long run, but for now it is really nice. Still eating clean. Celebrating DH's b-day tomorrow will likely cheat a bit.

Question of the day. I used to live in Ithaca. Flax clothing is very popular there. Its mostly linen, not fitted and supposed to be very comfortable and flow. I love the stuff. Here is the thing. I realized that when I started wearing the Angelheart clothing most of the time, that was when my weight realy shot up. I was wearing slip dresses and things with elastic waists. I can wear an outfit across 30+ pounds. There was no tight clothing to tell me that I was out of control. The barn sale (which is how I can afford their clothing) is comming up in the end of April. I really like their clothing and it is really comfortable. I'm up and about a lot at work and I cant stand things that are to tight (besids the fact that at this point they are VERY unflattering. I'm wondering if part of the commitment to a thinner body is to wear fitted clothing. I think the loose clothing makes me look bigger because people used to say that I had lost weight when I wore the occasional fitted outfit. I hadn't, it was just a different style. I'm wondering if part of the commitment to this lifestyle is to wear clothing that accuratly reflects my size. I have 2 months to figure this out.

Be well all.

[Sarajewel]

Sometimes I do dumb things. I went off plan for DH's birthday. Doughnuts for breakfast...Fudgie the Wale for desert... I have NO self control. I ate a lot. I watched myself overeat and knew what I was doing but didn't have the will or whatever I needed to stop. My calorie count was out of hand.... I'm up 4 pounds today. Sigh. Was it worth it? I dunno. It was tasty but very fleeting. I was really sleepy.

I'm back on today. Not many cravings. Made a bunch of LC foods. Bummed about the gain but not beating myself up.

On a positive note I'm starting to see this as a lifetime woe and not means to an end.

Be well all.

[Sarajewel]

Well I'm still paying for my "indescretion." The scale was up another half pound today. I ate clean and I'm not experiencing cravings. It will take tome to get back into ketosis, but I will get there. It would help if I could go to the bathroom... Maybe thats my problem - I'm full of it!

Anyho. I was thinking today that I am happiest when I am steadily working towards a goal. I like quilting because I see steady progress. Every stich I take stays done. If I looked at the pile of dishes I will wash in my lifetime, I would lie down and die. House work does not stay done. The trick is not losing interest. I have several quilts going at any given time because I get bored. I like FitDay because I can see the progress. Time to work hard and get happy!

Be well all.

[Sarajewel]

I think the tide is finally starting to turn back. I'm down .2 pound. I'm also going to the bathroom a lot today so I'm hoping my body is fianlly letting some of the water weight go. I wish I could go the other way...

I don't have any cravings. I'm eating legal. It's got to come off eventually. One of the things I like about low carbing is that I eat more unprocessed foods and it seems that I'm eating more nutritionally dense foods. My fit day nutritional breakdown is good in everything but: iron, calcium, folate and Vit D. I take supplimenst and my calcium has gotten much better since I started drinking a cup of the diet swiss miss at night. It has 33% daily calcium and it keeps me from other higher calorie deserts. I also noticed that once I started drinking it, my weight started comming off faster. I'm considering adding coconut oil to it. I make soap and coconut oil is what gives soap it's bubbles. I have a ton of the stuff.

B: cj's breakfast, PB dobie muffin
L: Naked Steak burrito
D: Chicken breast, cheese, dannon light and fit, pepperroni, & carrots
S: diet cocoa with coconut oil

1970 kcal, 20g fibre, 41 net carbs.

[Sarajewel]

I could button my lab coat today. Two weeks ago it would have been straining and gaping. It's not loose, but it buttons flat. My body is finally getting back with the program. Down .2 this morning and almost another 2# when I got into jammies tonight. My gut is also starting to function again. I'm staying legal and have no cravings. I look forward to my evening cocoa. Started adding coconut oil to it. I hope it will rev up my metabolism and help my dry skin.

I like this journal. I like that I can be really honet and the world can come look. So much of being fat is such a bizare secret. No one can know my weight, but you can see that I'm fat. I'm self consious eating in front of other people because I figure they look at me and whatever I'm eating and think "no wonder she is so fat." But I'm this fat no matter what I'm doing. I sometimes wonder if people are not reading this and thinking I'm an idiot. But overall on this board, people seem really supportive of one another and there is little bashing. There was a lot more drama when I was here 2 years ago.
Anyho, I like a place where I can write out and process stuff. It helps.

B: dobie muffin and Cj's breakfast and coffee...
L: motz cheese stick and HB egg
D: salad with egg, bacon and ranch and 2 hamburgers (walton's ketchup is good!)
S: Swiss Miss Diet Cocoa with coconut oil

1787 cal, 7g fibre, 20 net carbs, 69% fat, 5% carbs, 26% protein

Be well all.

[Sarajewel]

I wore pants today that two weeks ago were uncomfortable to sit in for long periods of time cause the would be tight across my tummy. Today they were completly comfortable. I'm making progress. The scale was back down 1.5#. I'm close to where I was before I cheated and I'm close to my lowest point when I delivered my daughter. Why didn't I get back on the wagon then?!

I have several mini goals: 1. to get to the low I was at a year ago (218). 2. To get to 217 (my low when I delivered dd and same low when I got reallys sick and lost a lot of weight) Then I want to get to 212 because that would be a 10% weight loss. I can do this.

B: Cj's breakfast and a dobie muffin
L: HB egg, sefood salad, dannon light and fit
D: crab dip, chicken with vegetables and cheese, iceburg salad (crunchy water)

I'm full! Dunno if I will have cocoa tonight.

Cal: 1897, Fibre:9, Net Carb: 35, Fat 61%, protein 32%, Carbs 8%

[Sarajewel]

The scale was back up a pound today. This is REALLY making me rethink my thoughts about planned cheats. This week has been really hard and I still have not gotten back to where I was. I'm still plugging away. I've been at this long enough to know that there are lots of things that I can have so that I will not feel deprived. I discovered Mongolian Barbaque today at our local Chinese Restaurrant. WOW! Low carb and way better than anything they had out on the steam table. I'm hooked.

Afterwards we went shopping at the local thrift shop. I spent $75, but I got 2 pairs of jeans and 4 dresses. My DD who is growing like a weed got 2 pairs of shoes, a snowsuit, 4 dresses, 3 pairs of pants, and 3 shirts. I LOVE thrift shops. I boght 2 items that are 18s. They don't fit yet, but I know that they will.

I will stay on track. I know that this is the right path for me.

Be well all.

[Sarajewel]

It snowed all day. The big fluffy pretty stuff. I was in cooking mode: made cream cheese muffins, cj's breakfast and peanut butter cups. Wont do the PB cups again - they taste artificial. I'm down to 220. That's two pounds for the week, but also 1.8 fromn where I was before the cheat. I'm spending too much time on the boards. I love the boards because the collective wisdom and the help keeping me focsed, but There is so much more I need and want to accomplish. Maybe it's the returning newness and it will settle into a more managable pace. Dunno. I did well today. 1500 calories, 18 net carbs. I feel good too.

I'm reading a book called "Eat the Frog" It is a increase your productivity/motivation book. Last night I read about maintaining a long term focus. He adresses short term gratification as short term "tension relief". That is how my eating was. Being heathy is a BIG goal for me. I now am looking at everything I eat as a means towards better nutrition and a long term goal.

Seven days cheat free - 83 to go. I'm going to do it.

[Sarajewel]

Today was not a good day. Saw my PCP today. He wants me to see a dermatologist for my skin (?psoriasis?) but says if I cannot get in quickly that he wants me to come back for a biopsy. Then after stopping at the grocery store I managed to lock my 2yo DD in the running car. Mind you it is 15 degrees, and snowing and blowing like mad. DD had a great time. She messed with every butten in the car but the door locks or the windows. I tried to get her to open the door/mess with the buttons on the door but she really couldn't hear me - esp after she found the controls for the radio... She especcially loved the part where the fire trucks (after 30 min, they sent two - with sirens...) came. I felt like such a moron.

In the past I would have drowned my sorrows in ice cream. Tonight I was very mindful of that and instead had a lot of protein. I am full but my cals are on the high side. Too full for cocoa even.

Anyho. 8 days cheat free and time to snuggle up in a warm bed.