jenn's journey

[jennmc31]

Ok, i have so many different feelings lately I guess keeping a journal would be a good way to keep up with them. I was always a tiny kid until puberty(which came at 9yrs old). Not only did puberty hit but my parents divorced and my mom had a string of nasty boyfriends that said cruel and stupid things. So needless to say I gained weight. I was so chubby in 6th grade and at a new school, could it get worse? Actually yes it can I was so depressed my mom put me in one of those cutesy treatment centers for depressed kids. It was great getting away from her boyfriend and they also had a dietician on staff so I dropped 30 pounds instantly and gained a new sense of self confidence. I came out leaner and a lot meaner. I switched schools again for 7th grade which was great because nobody knew me chubby. It was instant success and way too much experimentation with alcohol and pot. So guess what, yup thats right new treatment center. Oh well it was only a couple months although in this one I did gain a little weight because the food was comfort food. Then there was the day, the only day I remember so clearly to this day. My dad came to eat dinner with me and he looked horrible and I just knew something was wrong. He told me my beautiful sister Debbie had been murdered. I left the center for good and attended her funeral and grieved in my own way. Which was hanging around a lot older boys and more experimenting. I was 12 yrs old with an overdeveloped thinner body and grief and confusion and I hated going home(due to moms bf). It was during my 12th year of life that one of these older boys raped me. It was brutal and I still told no one. I was a party girl from then on. I only started to get myself together when I was 14. It was great I was 118 pds and doing great in school with 2 honors classes and looking forward to the future. I had a steady older boyfriend and so I had calmed down a lot and even started modeling. Well wouldn't you know it at 15 I got pregnant. Oh yeah, thats right pregnant and confused. I weighed my options for 9 weeks before i realized that I needed to take responsibility and finally told my mom. My weight issues start from here. Food was awesome while I was pregnant and instead of days of no eating or only eating one meal a day I was allowed and supposed to eat. I went from 118 to 169 with my pregnancy. I lost it after but it was so hard and it took me 9mths to lose it. I had a lot of male attention as I started to get out and it scared me, it actually down right creeped me out. I think that is when all my feelings about what happened to my sister and my rape came out and I ate. I think I gained weight to avoid being raped again. I actually felt safer. I am now 31 with a fabulous husband I met at college and 3 great kids. The 15 yr old boy from my younger days who my husband adopted when he was young and a 7 yr old daughter(I shiver with fear) and a 4yr old boy. I started to get serious about my weight loss on jan 4 2007 when I reached an all time high of 216. I never even weighed this while pregnant. I was also having issues with my blood sugar. So I started induction and then on Jan 14,2007 I started Kimmers boot camp. So today I am 209.8 and I feel things shrinking so I know soon the scale will also catch up.
I know this has been horribly long and I skipped a huge part but to be honest I would have had to write for days if I included all the stuff in between. I always tell that stuff and leave the younger days & traumas out. So I wanted to get it out I am sure I am not the only one this stuff has happened to. So now it is time to push past those scared feelings and be strong. I don't want to embarrass my kids by being the fat mom or just not doing things because I let my weight hold me back. My 15 yr old son is the quarterback of his high school football team and I have let my husband go to his games while I stayed with the kids because I just don't want to embarrass him. He doesn't feel like that and his friends are great kids but it's my feelings and I have to stop the viscious(spelling?) cycle. So I will post here and learn new things about myself in the process.

[luvinlowcarb]

[jennmc31]

208.2 today which means I am down 1.6 pds. It has been quite a few days since the scale moved so I am super excited.
Becky- Thanks for the hug, I sure needed it after rehashing those memories.
I have been super crabby since starting induction on 1/4/07 and my husband has been in the line of fire the most. Well last night I was just trying to get past the night munchies feelings so I went to bed at 9pm instead of watching movies with hubby. Today my mood is a little better and I'm not feeling as easily frustrated. I hope this is not all related to whether that scale moves or not. Maybe my body is just adjusting to the absence of sugar. So for me just another boring Saturday. Tomorrow we will be going to the Alligator Farm in St Augustine,fl with the kids(of course).I am looking forward to it, although I think my 4 yr old will be a little scared(we shall see). Well I'm off to watch some movie rentals that I passed on last night.

[jennmc31]

So yesterday I was 207.4. So it is slowly coming down. I just don't understand how come I can't have a big woosh like other people , just one. I just want so much to come out of the two's. It is so scary being here. I will have to really buckle down this week and get things rolling. So my plan is to be strict during the week and loosen up on fat on the weekends. I will start planning my meals today instead of just flying by the seat of my pants.

We have moved so much in the past couple of years. We have lived in Palm Coast now for 2 yrs which is pretty long. Everytime we move it seems like I gain weight and it takes me like a year too take it off. So now my husband is looking for a new job again and although I am excited to go back up north I am scared of floundering on weight loss. We would like to move during the summer so the kids can finish their year here and start with the beginning of the school year wherever. I miss Ohio a lot and I miss shopping at Giant Eagle.
I am also going to start using egg whites instead of whole eggs when scrambling to keep cholesterol from rising. Eggs have such a high cholesterol level, it's crazy. So I think for menu planning I will stick to grilled chicken and rotissere(spelling) chicken for lunch and dinner and if I need breakfast I will use egg whites if scrambling or just regular eggs if frying. So maybe if I keep my menu consistent and boring I will lose quicker. We shall see.