chloe's new life

[chloe2t]

I wanted to start journalling right away so that I can look back from the slim new weight at the goalpost and see how far I have come.

Losing weight is only one goal for me. Actually the biggest reason is my health. My grandma raised me and we are very close. She has never been overweight, but eating the same way, has had several mjor health problems. She is now on dialysis, and I want to give her one of my kidneys. In order to be in the best possible health, I want to lose weight, stop smoking, and be in the best shape of my life. I also want to do this so that my daughter does not lose her mother or miss out on many fun things that I could do if I was in optimum shape.


I have recently achieved a lot of my goals. With Flylady, I learned to control he clutter in my home and in my mind. I recently graduated from a two year college in which I earned a degree in paralegal studies, maintained a 4.0 and received many awards. with these goals reached, I know that I can do this also, but lack support.

My husband is already upset that I can't eat things he likes, mainly pasta, burritos, and beer. I know that joining and communicating with all of you is the one thing that is going to help me, and I know that I will need to come here every day.

after this post, i want to start a sort of log here, if that's ok... how many carb.s how many glasses of water, exercise, etc. Mostly my feelings, since this seems like a safe place to express them. I also want to help other people to reach their goals as well.

[chloe2t]

I dont know what to feel about being taken out to eat... it was a generally bad day, because I ended up getting a flat and inlaws had to pick me up. They were very kind and took me shopping for clothes for my baby neice then out to dinner.

I dont know if I cheated or not.... I ate a salad and a steak.... the prob. is that they were incredibly backed up and as a result I ate the whole salad, which is wayyyy bigger than the two cups allowed daily on induction. I skipped the croutons, though and the tomatoes as well.... had ranch dressing... the good news is that due to the flat I skipped lunch and consumed only 5 g carbs for breakfast.

today is the first day I didnt do some form of exercise as well... BUT i have had more water than usual, and my ketone strips show darker than before.

I am just down today, and glad that it is 10:30 and I can soon go to bed.

oh, bought today benefiber, for obvious reasons, chromium picolinate and CLA. Just checked my vitamins& they do contain iron.... guess i will have to change next month.....

im worried that I will end up falling off the plan, just by unexpected days like this.... I have to realize that even though this plan will help me to lose weight, it will not cure the underlying emotional eating....

and how is it that everyone who hears you are on atkins is always " warning you?????" about the plan??

sorry, just a bad day.

[chloe2t]

I wanted to cheat and really cheat last night. I really wanted cereal.... but I didn't. I was right yesterday, I feel much better today, especially since avoiding the urge to cheat.

I really shouldn't have felt so bad tho yesterday... my inlaws are incredibly kind, and actually I had a great time. I ate a little too much salad, but totally gave myself too little credit for avoiding even a bite of the chocolate cake everyone else ate....

haven't exercised today yet, and haven't eaten a thing--not due to "dieting"...just truly feel not hungry, as if food might turn my stomach... still in a litle while I will make myself a meal, because I doubt I am supposed to go without eating.

Still to me it is so funny to feel this way.... as i am famous for ALWAYS being hungry.

I wish my husband would be there for me, tho. He likes me a little big....maybe feels more secure that way??? Good question tho, isn't it?

but my grandma still needs a kidney, and bmi is still too high.... should be 20-22... tho to a person who has rarely ever been that, since adolescence, that seems a very low goal.... not one I would choose, but important to do this for gma....

[cdn_gal]

Originally Posted by chloe2t

I dont know if I cheated or not.... I ate a salad and a steak.... the prob. is that they were incredibly backed up and as a result I ate the whole salad, which is wayyyy bigger than the two cups allowed daily on induction. I skipped the croutons, though and the tomatoes as well.... had ranch dressing...

<Marking spot>

I cant really say that I have ever heard anyone getting fat or gaining weight eating salads!! I think you made an awesome choice with your steak and salad, WTG!!

[Coconutty]

Hi Chloe,
You're really an inspiring woman. It takes a very unselfish person to donate an organ. Maybe DH is worried about the health risks you may face during the surgery and after. Perhaps he can go with you to the doc and be reassured that you can do just fine with one kidney.

BTW, I think its really hard to eat too much salad, especially because you didn't eat the tomatoes and croutons. Salad greens are extremely low carb. Besides, you are still in ketosis, right?

KUTGW!

[cdn_gal]

[chloe2t]

CHRISTMAS WISHES TO EVERYONE!!!!!

Thank you for the comments. I was kind of overworked about the salad wasn't I?m lol

still getting used to it all.

Today has been sooo awesome. Went to my brother in law's and watched a movie. My hubby ordered pizza and everyone ate tons of it.... except for me. When we went in to get the pizza, I went to the salad bar and got a great salad.... loaded w/eggs, cheese, and a few mushrooms...

it was great and I was barely tempted by the pizza.... especially when everyone started complaining about their overfull tummies, and half the salad and I stopped... comfortably full.

Every christmas eve, we each open 1 present. My daughter gave me a ring she got with her own money at the santa's workshop... it is "rubies" in the shape of a heart....

I love Christmas. I am so thankful for the family and the joy of the day...

BUT... I will be extra careful tomorrow!!!!

PS my ketostrips are measuring dark prple...despite all the h20

[chloe2t]

ok... I have thought about this and I have some milemarking goals in mind. Here they are:

by Jan. 2 ( my birthday ) : 10 lb loss goal weight: 150

by Valentine's day: 20 lbs gone goal weight: 140 ( here i stop smoking )

by st. Patrick's Day: 30 lbs lost, goal weight: 130 (fit into my favorite jeans)

by April Fools day: 35 lbs gone goal weight 125

by May Day: 40 lbs gone goal weight 120

by June first: reach final goal range of 118-122... tone enough for bikini ( still won't wear one, though! lol

I dont know if these are reasonable or not, but I can always alter them as I go. Actually, in order to donate a kidney, I only need to lose about 10 more lbs... but y not give it all I've got? I want to be in the best shape of my life, and the only thing stopping me is me!

[tiggy_oz]

Wow what a woman you are! I want your drive i think . Your a sweet daughter to donate a kidney but i think if i was in the same situation i wouldnt think twice really.

Your goals seem attainable but even if you dont hit a number by a certain day it doesnt matter as long as you dont let it impact you in a negative way and cause you to feel like a failure etc. The quitting smoking thing is really hard to do and stick with but trust me - you will feel so amazing after that ordeal is over. Although ive recently been smoking when out drinking socially i have been mostly quit since feb (despite a 2 month return to it in a silly time). Exercise doesnt suck near as much when you can breathe properly.

Hope you have a wonderful christmas!!

Cheers
Christine

[abercrombie3f]

MERRY CHRISTMAS FRIEND! HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY! FEEL FREE TO STOP BY MY JOURNAL AGAIN AND JUST PM ME OR WHATEVER IF YA EVER HAVE ANY ?S!!

[chloe2t]

ok i was too embarrassed to post yeterday.

I cheated. My MIL makes special potato stuff on Christmas, and was offended when I told her I couldn't eat it... so I ate about a small potato.

I was really beating myself up over it, as I was determined not to cheat, but have forgiven myself today. I didn't eat lots of them, and I didn't eat any of the deserts that were floating around. I am still disappointed in myself, and know that the biggest thing for me is facing the "pressure" of what others want me to do.

When I am at home, I am never tempted... nor in public, have taken to having low-carb snacks w/me...

but since I was little, I have always been weak when facing this type of thing. I didn't hurt my MIL's feelings, but I let myself down.

I always feel self-centered when I do something that is just for me, and even when talking about myself.

I don't want to be selfish, but I do want to be more watchful of doing things for others. I do take full responsibility for what I ate... I was the only one putting in my mouth... but I am allowed to say no sometimes also. That is the real problem, isn't it?

There is a reason I eat emotionally, or rather several reasons. One of them is that I am not always true to my own desires and feelings.

It's funny, but this goes beyond wanting to lose weight. It goes beyond health, kidney donation, or anything else.

This is about becoming the person I want to be, and facing the tough issues as well. I can do it, and I will. This really is about having a new life, not just a new dress size.

[chloe2t]

DUHHH! I have been forgetting to post my stats from the beginning....

DECEMBER 20 (DAY ONE): 160 LBS
MEASUREMENTS:
WAIST: 39 INCHES (OUCH!!!)

GOALS
WATER: 80 Oz PER DAY (IM ALWAYS THIRSTY ANYWAY...)
TAKE THESE EVERY DAY:
CARBSMART VITAMIN
FISH OIL
CLA
CHROMIUM PICOLINATE
SUPER B COMPLEX
CALCIUM
ok... note to self: start journalling foods here as well as Fitday.

day 9
current weight: 153 or 154 ( can't see those little marks very well)
have lost apr. 5-6 lbs on day 9 ( hey, wait a sec. thats pretty darn good isn't it)

well, i have proven that I know how to celebrate anyway...LOL

[chloe2t]

I have been posting on these boards A LOT but can't help it. All evening, my dh has been teasing me about ice cream bars, bread, even sugar sandwiches... I know he is just teasing but it is SO not funny.

I am so thankful for this place. There is no way that I could do it if I didn't come here, and if i need to come here every 10 minutes then I will.

I have read old posts, journals, advice threads, even made a visit to the game place... but thats ok. I am hanging in there for today, and I promised myself I wouldn't cheat again for any reason. I don't like the way i felt after that, especially as I wasn't even craving it.


One fine morning I will be,
in heaven for eternity.

But what strange feeling will I have
if there are no carbs, and no fat calves?

Will I choose to glutton be,
and go down there, just for candy?

Or will I grow to see the day,
When I lose and 120 I weigh???

I can do it, big and strong,
As long as you, my friends are along

chloe

[pri17cess72]

Hi Chloe

Thanks for stopping by my journal and thanks for the words of encouragement. New day for me today and I plan to start fresh. I really like reading your journal. Your poems are very good too.
I admire you for your kind spirit to donate the kidney, and yeah I agree while you are already doing the weight loss might as well make the most of it.

Have a great day!

Liz

[Vikktorea]

Hi Chloe - It's nice to meet you Your goals seem reasonable. You're off to a great start by starting a journal. You will really love the support here on the boards. It's a great home away from home!!! I'm assuming your WOE is Atkins having mentioned induction? Keep up the great work.

[heidi21062]

Hey Chloe!

I was just checking to see if there were any new journals and I saw yours.

You are doing a fabulous job! Vic is right - these boards are full of support and encourgement - you'll love it here!

[tiggy_oz]

*passes chloe's hubby a mud pie* - MUCH healthier than a sugar sandwich

[chloe2t]

lol, tiggy, i knew I would love u!!!!

I have been away from the computer for a couple of days, had to go to grandmas and help her w/ some stuff. They put the permanent shunt in her arm for dialysis and they were taking her stitches out. She also hurt herself by falling and needed help with housework and her little dog REALLY needed a bath...

She does not eat meat very much and I was broke, so I spent the days eating eggs and salad... I went a little over the limit on salad, but all in all I did very well.

the best thing is that I already know that I am having serious health changes already, as she has a home blood pressure monitor i always borrow when there. My bp was borderline high, and is now down 18 numbers!!!!

I have only been on less than 2 weeks, but i know it is helping me.

plus I have now lost apr. 7 lbs-- so hard to see those little dashes and I am never sure what my weight is until it is at the 5 lb markers.

When my dad and g-ma tried to get me to cheat, i very bluntly told them that I had no intention of wasting my good health over junk. It may seem harsh, but w/my bunch, you have to be blunt when you are serious about something.

I promised myself i won't let others tell me what to eat, and even if they all join together in criticizing my choices, my end results are going to shock them. Because I AM going to do this, and because opposition is sometimes the best motivator for me (the whole idea of setting my mind to do something no matter what... I kind of "mad" myself into achieving the goals no one else thinks I can manage.

[chloe2t]

warning: This post contains information that might be triggering to certain people. Please be careful reading!!!


I didn't want this journal to be about anything except my weight loss, but this is something that has occurred to me and I think it needs to be here.

The bigger you are, the more invisible you are. I think I have yo-yo'ed and stayed bigger more than smaller because I like this.

When you are noticed by certain people, you can end up hurt. This is the unfortunate truth, and part of the reason for my weight. I actually have a good metabolism and very little trouble losing weight. Why, then, am I so big?

When I was 12 years old, child protective services came to my house. My mother was very abusive and they came because I allowed them to find out how bad my mother abused me physically.

I have very very mild cerebral palsy. It barely affects me, a little in my right hand, and a limp do to an accompanying clubbed foot. Because I was not the child my 16 year old, drug addicted mother thought she was going to have, I was abused severely. I thought I could have a better life, so I told a friend of mine who told a teacher, who did the right thing and reported me.

For a while in foster care, I was happy. My first foster parents were very kind and gentle with me, but due to personal things, they had to give me up to the system. I bounced around from group homes to emergency shelters, while the social worker worked to find a home for me in the shortage of foster homes.

Finally, I went to a foster home that was supposed to be wonderful. The foster parents were foster parents of the year, faithful church attenders, and led girl and boy scouts and 4-h. Little did I know then that predators often do activities that allow them access to innocent victims. Over the next two years, I saw my social worker only two times, yet experienced episode after episode of sexual abuse and rape at the hands of three perpetrators.

I eventually left that home and I have spent my entire life trying to forget. See, I know my weight isn't as high as some, but it can be devastating due to my cp, and the unevenness of my gait, and it can cause pain i could lose if I weighed less.

Food is not just a way to avoid dealing with these issues, or even just a way to become invisible.

The thing that is the hardest of all to admit is that I seem to feel that I am not worth having health and happiness. Oh this is not what I think, but I think it may be a thing that I do subconsciously.

So, this is not just a weight loss journey, it is the culmination of all of my years of working towards a final healing of my soul. Only two addictions are standing in the way of my self-love-- food and smoking.

I know that this is true because I am smoking as I type this and really wanting some comfort food. But that is the cowardly way out, and I have always counted myself brave.

To tell the truth, i still don't want to post this, and I feel like erasing it. But i won't, because I wrote this for a reason, even if I can't remember the point.

I refuse to be less than I can, and I must find a way to move out of the past and into the future. The me that I can see is right there, and the qualities that the me in that picture has include:

honesty
accountability
forgiveness
health
addiction-free

[chloe2t]

Today was another wonderful day.

I was out shopping and got several more things so that I can ad variety to my menu.

I ate a salad at subway while I was out, and one look at the nutritional info paper told me that I was glad I hadn't yet eaten any carbs.

still, i ate well, only ate 1/2 of the salad, and woke up this morning a little more thin, about one lb. I couldn't stand the suspense so I asked my husband to come in and tell me exactly where the ticker was-- he told me it was wavering between 151-150.... that means only 1-3 lbs til my birthday goal of 10 lbs gone.... with only 2 more days to go. I doubt if I make it, but no biggie, I tried, and 1 or 2 lbs away isn't far from my goal for then anyway.

i changed my fish oil to multi-oils, as it contains fish oils, plus other essential oils, with less pills.

I have been drinking all of my water, and the cravings for soda are less, tho I am still drinking some. Coffee, however, is no longer even an issue. I don't miss coffee at all.

All in all, I have done pretty well starting atkins near christmas. i think it will be even easier once my birthday ends and things get back o normal. I asked my family to make steak instead of a b-day cake, and to just put a candle in one for me, lol.

If they do buy a cake, it won't be for me, it would be horrible to go out of ketosis and suffer two or three days of withdrawel over a piece of cake...

well hubby is home, so i will stop here for now.

chloe

[tiggy_oz]

aha now i know why your such a strong woman, youve been through hell and back and have been tempered like steel. Its hard to do some of the personal work but in the end its worthwhile. (i can relate to a bumpy childhood)

If they are set on cake, what about having one of them make a cheesecake with splenda instead of sugar for you. Its sinfully good and perfectly legal! If you have no cooks in the family there is that cheesecake factory lc cheesecake that they could get. Dont think i could do a steak with a candle in it but perhaps a restuarant with some nice fillet and shrimp /drool

You have done really well starting at this time of year - you = my hero!

[Coconutty]

Chloe,
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to having a rough childhood and the confort of invisibility. But you really put things in perspective. It isn't just about the number on the scale, it's about treating yourself with the kindness and respect you deserve. When you do that, things just seem to fall into place.

[chloe2t]

Wow! It means so much to hear those kind words from both of you. Thank you for that.

Sharing my story was hard, but i really feel that it is a major part of this whole thing. As I said before, this really is about changing my whole like, not just those numbers on the scale.

Tiggy, you have been especially kind and supportive, and you have a wicked sense of fun that I totally adore, so a special thx to you, sweetheart that you are!!!

okay, enough of the mushies, lol....

I keep saying that I am going to start juornalling what i originally intended to,lol... so....

Breakfast:
This is my biggest meal, being the most important, i eat the most then.
Today: 3 eggs, 3 tbsp. heavy cream, 6 oz coffee (ouch my first in a while),
2 pieces of turkey bacon.
total carbs:8
all my am vitanutrients,etc.
10 oz water
lunch: (edit after)
dinner (edit after.)


here we go, you wonderful locarb buds! let's make this day one of peace, of fortitude and grace. Let's beat the carbomonster just for today!

chloe

[pri17cess72]

Hi Chloe,

I know it was hard for you to write about your childhood and I appreciate and respect that you did. You see, it made me realize that, that is what I am doing. I have had a rough childhood (not to the extent of abuse you have endured) but more emotional.

In my adult life I am still being affected by my low self esteem (result of childhood) I eat to self medicate. This is my only addiction...Thank God. But an addiction that does keep me invisible and also in a lot of pain. I want to free myself of my food addiction. While I have done low carb many times I never stuck around long enough to reap much benefit. I did learn that while I am on low carb I feel good about myself and am much less prone to feeding my addiction and eating.

Thanks for truly being an inspiration to me today by sharing your story. I intended my journal to be about my weight loss as well. I is not. It is about my struggle with my self esteem. The extra weight is only a symptom.
It is also about the many problems I am having in life. I hope that through controlled eating, I will win my self esteem back and the weight loss will just be a benefit.

Good luck to you. I will be looking out for your posts. Stop by my journal anytime.

Best wishes and Happy New Year!!

Liz

[chloe2t]

ok I dont know how to edit so for now here is lunch and dinner. half was for lunch, half for dinner.

salad made with 2 c lettuce, 1 boiled egg lc ranch dressing, 1 large chicken breast and peperoni...
added to fitday, this brings my total for the day to 19.6.

I drank 4- 1 pint 7.7 oz bottles of water ( dont know how many oz, but each bottle holds more than 20 oz, will drink 1 more 8 oz glass before bed.

all vitamins taken...

exercise: Leslie Sansone's WATP 4 mile express walking DVD.

Oh, BTW, i called the WV smoking cessation line. They are going to call back and they give free patches, 2 mos worth.... come on 140, and w/it, a new goal. I know I can do it!

That's it folks! have a happy new year, and know that we are going to have the best year yet.

chloe

ps duh! i guess i have to edit before other posts... couldnt figure out y it worked be4 but not now.... maybe i was dropped as an infNT... OR SOMETHING.